Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 19 - The Gang Show - full transcript

HEY, COME ON GUYS,
YOU'RE GONNA MISS

THE BIG FIGHT ON
THE FOOTBALL FIELD.

OH, WOW, WHO'S FIGHTIN'?

FOOTBALL TEAM.

YEAH, SOMEBODY,
I DON'T KNOW WHO,

PUT ITCHING POWDER
IN THEIR SWEAT SUITS.

WHO THEY GONNA FIGHT?

EACH OTHER.

IT'LL BE THE GREATEST DISPLAY
OF OPEN FIELD SCRATCHING

OF THE SEASON.

YOU GUYS, YOU ALL GO AHEAD.



ME AND JUAN, WE GOTTA REHEARSE.

THAT'S RIGHT, THAT'S RIGHT.

ME AND FREDDIE, WE'RE
ENTERING THE ANNUAL BUCHANAN

TALENT CONTEST.

OH, NO.

NO, NO, NO, I WILL
NOT PERMIT THIS.

DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT
HAPPENED TO YOU LAST YEAR?

THEY CAME IN LAST.

FURTHER BACK THAN THAT.

THE SCENERY CAME
IN AHEAD OF THEM.

YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE, LAST
YEAR WE HAD A BAD AUDIENCE.

- RIGHT?
- THAT'S RIGHT.

YEAH, MAN, EVEN THE BEETLES
GOT BOOTED WHEN THEY

FIRST STARTED, RIGHT?



THAT'S RIGHT.

RIGHT.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, BUT NOBODY
EVER CAME UP ON STAGE

AND TRIED TO SET THEM ON FIRE.

HEY, WHAT KIND OF ACT
YOU GUYS GONNA DO?

IT'S TOP SECRET.

OH, I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

MOST BIG BOMBS ARE.

COME ON, GUYS.

WHY YOU GONNA WORK SO
HARD OVER THIS LOUSY TROPHY?

YOU CAN PAWN
THAT TROPHY FOR $10.

COME ON, LET'S GET TO CLASS.

HEY, MR. WOODMAN, HAVE
YOU HEARD THE GOOD NEWS?

I HATE GOOD NEWS.

GO AHEAD ANYWAY.

FREDDIE AND JUAN HERE ARE
ENTERING THE TALENT SHOW.

OH, THAT IS GOOD NEWS.

COME ON, MR. WOODMAN.

LAST YEAR, THEY BARELY
ESCAPED WITH THEIR LIVES.

I KNOW.

THIS YEAR, I'M GONNA
SEAL OFF THE EXITS.

MR. WOODMAN.

MR. WOODMAN, LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S A THREATENING LETTER,

ACTUALLY THREATENING
BODILY HARM.

THESE LITTLE ANIMALS
HAVE GONE TOO FAR.

NOBODY SENDS THREATENING
LETTERS TO MY TEACHERS.

OH NO, IT'S NOT FOR ME.

IT'S FROM ME, TO YOU.

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM, JEAN?

WELL, I DON'T THINK THAT
I, AS THE ENGLISH TEACHER,

SHOULD HAVE TO BE IN
CHARGE OF THE TALENT SHOW.

AND WHO DO YOU
THINK SHOULD RUN IT?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE
CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM?

HE'S USED TO GETTING
KICKED WHEN HE'S DOWN.

DON'T MENTION THE
FOOTBALL TEAM TO ME.

I HAVE ANOTHER
PROBLEM WITH THEM.

WHAT HAPPENED?

SOME CLOWN PUT ITCHING
POWDER IN THEIR SWEAT SUITS,

AND NOW THEY'RE ALL
SCRATCHIN' THEMSELVES SILLY.

NOW, WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM
WITH THE TALENT SHOW?

WELL, I WANNA CANCEL IT.

WHY?

ORDERS OF MY DENTIST.

HE SAYS I'M JUST
GRINDIN' MY TEETH AWAY.

JEAN, I HAVE NO TIME
FOR YOUR LITTLE JOKES.

BUT, MR. WOODMAN, IF
WE PUT THIS SHOW ON,

IT'S GONNA BE TERRIBLE.

THESE KIDS ARE JUST
GONNA GET UP THERE

AND MAKE FOOLS OF THEMSELVES.

AND THAT'S WHAT I
LIKE BEST ABOUT IT.

BUT I LIKE THESE KIDS.

AND I JUST HATE
TO SEE 'EM DO BAD.

WHY DON'T WE POSTPONE
IT SO I'LL HAVE MORE TIME

TO WORK WITH THEM?

WE ARE GONNA HAVE A
TALENT SHOW ON SCHEDULE,

AND YOU ARE THE
TEACHER IN CHARGE.

AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA
HAVE TO FACE THE MUSIC.

MUSIC?

THE CLOSEST WE COME TO
THAT IS A LITTLE BOY THAT PLAYS

LADY OF SPAIN ON STOLEN HUBCAPS.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND ALL THE FUSS!

I MEAN PERSONALLY,
I LOVE THAT SHOW.

I MEAN, THE PEOPLE
THROWIN' FRUIT AND GARBAGE.

AND THE BOOING AND THE
HISSING AND THE PROFANITY.

♪ OH THERE'S NO BUSINESS
LIKE SHOW BUSINESS

LIKE NO BUSINESS I KNOW ♪♪



♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED

SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED

AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT

'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

NOW TRY TO KEEP THAT UP, NOW.

PUT THIS BALL BACK
WITH THE REST OF 'EM.

ALL RIGHT, NOW WHO'S
UP NEXT FOR AUDITION?

WE ARE!

MY BROTHER AND ME
GOT AN ACROBATIC ACT.

WE'LL SET IT UP RIGHT NOW.

ALL RIGHT.

YOU READY, MS. TREMAINE?

YEAH, GO AHEAD, HUN.

OH, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE!

HOLD IT!

COME ON DOWN OFF OF THAT LADDER.

I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THIS ACT HERE.

WE DONE IT BEFORE.

WE ALWAYS FIND HIM AGAIN.

YOU KIDS JUST GO ON HOME.

I'LL CALL, YOU HEAR?

WE AIN'T GOT NO PHONE.

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'LL BEAT OUT SOMETHIN'
ON A HOLLOW LOG.

GO ON HOME.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, WHO'S
NEXT UP FOR THE AUDITION?

WE, WE, WE, WE ARE, WE
ARE, MS. TREMAINE, YEAH.

- CURTAIN UP!
- LIGHT THE LIGHTS!

CALL THE COPS!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S SEE YOUR ACT
BEFORE MY ROLAID WEARS OFF.

ALL RIGHT.

QUIET!

I WANT EVERYBODY TO SETTLE
DOWN BECAUSE TO BEGIN THIS ACT,

WE NEED SILENCE.

YEAH, THAT'S ALL YOU'RE
GONNA HEAR WHEN IT'S OVER.

YEAH, CARVELLI SAY
THAT'S ALL YOU GONNA HEAR

WHEN IT'S OVER.

WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT
ISN'T MURRAY AND CARVELLI.

WHAT ARE YOU PUNKS DOIN' HERE?

WELL, WE THOUGHT WE'D
COME DOWN AND WATCH

YOU GUYS AUDITION.

YOU SEE, MURRAY
HERE LIKES ANIMAL ACTS.

YEAH, EPSTEIN, ROLL OVER.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
TO PLAY DEAD, MURRAY?

HEY, MS. TREMAINE, I DON'T
GOT TO PERFORM IN FRONT

OF THESE GUYS, THEY
SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.

THEY'VE GOT A RIGHT TO BE HERE.

THEY'RE PERFORMERS, AND THIS IS
AN EQUAL OPPORTUNITY DISASTER.

OH, YEAH, WHAT DO THEY DO?

MUSICAL MUGGINGS?

ARE YOU GONNA
AUDITION OR AREN'T YOU?

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT, I WILL
NOT PERFORM IN FRONT OF THEM.

NO WAY.

DON'T GET SO TIGHT, EPSTEIN.

WE'RE LEAVIN' ANYWAY.

YOU SEE, I HATE TO
ASSOCIATE WITH LOSERS,

EXCEPT OF COURSE, MY
GOOD FRIEND, MURRAY.

YEAH, I'M THE ONLY LOOSER
HE ASSOCIATES WITH.

SO, YOU CAN LOOK FOR US IN
THE WINNER'S CIRCLE, ALL RIGHT?

COME ON, MURRAY, LET'S
GO SKIN AN ALLIGATOR.

HEY, ARNOLD.

HOW BAD IS THIS TALENT SHOW?

OH, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

LAST YEAR'S WINNER, GUIDO
VENELLI, HAD A VERY UNUSUAL ACT.

HE WOULD CHEW UP
CRAYONS AND THEN SPIT

A BEAUTIFUL PAINTING.

OH, EVERYBODY IN THE
AUDIENCE LOVED GUIDO.

EXCEPT FOR MAYBE
THE FIRST TWO ROWS.

THAT'S NOTHIN', WE HAD A
GUY DOWN IN NEW ORLEANS.

HE DID A THREE
DIMENSIONAL WALL PLAQUE.

OH YEAH, WITH CRAYONS?

NO, HE SPIT GRITS.

WELL, WELL, WELL, IF IT
AIN'T ROMULUS AND REMUS.

HEY, YOU FELLAS
PLANNIN' ON GOIN'

TO THE TALENT SHOW THIS YEAR?

SURE, WHAT'S IT TO YA, CARVELLI?

WELL, I JUST WANTED TO LET
YOU KNOW THAT YOU BETTER

TAKE YOUR SUNGLASSES
'CAUSE WHEN YOUR

TWO LITTLE FRIENDS IS UP THERE,

EVEN THE FOOT LIGHTS
IS GONNA TURN AROUND.

THAT'S NOT FUNNY.

HEY, LOOK, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA BE DOIN'

IN THE TALENT SHOW, CARVELLI?

WELL, I'LL TELL YA,
BEAU, I'M GONNA BE TAKIN'

HOME THAT BEAUTIFUL GOLD TROPHY.

COME ON, CARVELLI.

YOU GOT ABOUT AS
MUCH CHANCE OF WINNING

AS THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE
DAME HAS OF BUYING A SUIT

OFF THE RACK.

THAT'S FUNNY!

- HEY, MURRAY.
- EVERYTHING'S BEEN TAKIN'

CARE OF, CARVELLI.

THAT'S GOOD, MURRAY,
THAT'S REAL GOOD.

YOU SEE, THAT'S REAL GOOD.

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU FELLAS HERE.

THIS IS MR. ARNOLD HORSHACK,
MR. BEAU DE LABARRE.

THIS IS HIS HONOR
MOUSEY, HIS HONOR RICK,

AND OF COURSE YOU
KNOW, HIS HONOR MURRAY.

HIS HONOR?

IT'S A TERM OF RESPECT.

YOU SEE, THESE ARE THE
FELLAS THAT MS. TREMAINE HAS

SELECTED TO BE THE JUDGES
OF THE UPCOMIN' TALENT SHOW.

HEY, ARNOLD.

I THINK THE FIX IS IN.

OKAY, CARVELLI,
DID YOU BRIBE THEM?

HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH A THING?

ARNOLD, LET ME PUT
IT TO YOU THIS WAY.

THEY THINK THAT I'M SANTA CLAUS

AND HE'S MURRAY THE
RED NOSE REINDEER.

COME ON, FELLAS, I'LL
BUY YA A YOGURT PIZZA.

WELL, POOR GOD, ARE WE
GONNA LET MURRAY AND CARVELLI

GET AWAY WITH THIS?

ARE WE GONNA LET
OUR TWO BEST FRIENDS

WORK THIS HARD
AND HAVE THEIR PRIDE

STOLEN OUT FROM UNDER 'EM?

WOULD THE LITTLE
BEAVER TURN HIS BACK

ON THE RED RYDER?

WOULD SUPERMAN TURN
HIS BACK ON LOIS LANE?

NOT IN A PHONE BOOTH.

NOT IN THAT OUTFIT.

SHAZAM.

BACK IN LOUISIANA, WE
USED TO HAVE THIS FOX

THAT WOULD SNEAK INTO THE
CHICKEN COOP EVERY NIGHT.

MY DADDY PUT AN END TO THAT.

OH YEAH, HOW?

PUT A MOUNTAIN LION IN THERE

AND TAUGHT HIM HOW TO LAY EGGS.

MISTER... OH, MR. WOODMAN!

YOU'RE JUST THE
MAN I WANTED TO SEE.

I NEVER THOUGHT
I WOULD SAY THAT.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, WE WOULD LIKE TO
VOLUNTEER OUR SERVICES.

GOOD, WHY DON'T YOU
RUN DOWN TO THE CAFETERIA

AND DEFUSE THE MEATBALLS?

YOU TALK TO HIM, BEAU,
HE'S IN A GREAT MOOD.

HEY, LOOK, MR. WOODMAN,
WE WANNA HELP OUT

IN THE TALENT SHOW.

WHY DON'T YOU LEARN
TO PLAY THE FLUTE,

AND LEAD ALL THE
SWEATHOGS INTO THE RIVER?

OH, MR. WOODMAN,
YOU'RE SUCH A SCAMP.

NO, WE'RE SERIOUS.

WE WOULD LIKE TO
VOLUNTEER OUR SERVICES

TO BE THE ALTERNATE
JUDGES IN THE TALENT SHOW.

HA, HA, YOU CAN'T BE JUDGES!

YOU GOTTA MARK A BALLOT.

I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
UP TO THE X'S YET.

OH, MS. TREMAINE, HI!

HI.

WE WOULD LIKE TO
VOLUNTEER OUR SERVICES TO BE

THE ALTERNATE JUDGES
IN THE TALENT SHOW.

WHY DO WE NEED ALTERNATE JUDGES?

SUPPOSE SOMETHIN' HAPPENED
TO THE REGULAR JUDGES?

YOU CAN'T HAVE A TALENT
SHOW WITHOUT JUDGES.

WE'RE HAVIN' IT WITHOUT TALENT.

YEAH, BUT IF YOU
DIDN'T HAVE ANY JUDGES

THAN YOU WOULDN'T
HAVE ANY WINNERS,

AND THEN YOU'D HAVE TO HAVE
THE TALENT SHOW ALL OVER AGAIN.

ALL OVER AGAIN?

CONGRATULATIONS,
ALTERNATE JUDGE NUMBER ONE,

ALTERNATE JUDGE NUMBER TWO.

BE IN THE AUDITORIUM
FRIDAY NIGHT,

AND WEAR OLD CLOTHES.

IF YOU LIKE IT, YOU
MARK AN X OVER HERE,

AND IF YOU DON'T, YOU
MARK AN X OVER THERE.

IT AIN'T THAT DEEP.

ALL RIGHT NOW,
EVERYBODY SETTLE DOWN.

HOW DID YOU GET RID
OF THE OTHER JUDGES?

I JUST TOLD THE FOOTBALL TEAM
WHO PUT THE ITCHING POWDER

IN THEIR UNIFORMS.

WHAT?

OH, I GET IT!

THE SOONER WE GET
THIS SHOW STARTED,

THE SOONER WE
CAN GET IT OVER WITH.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, I'M ABOUT
TO INTRODUCE TO YOU

THE JUDGES, BUT BEFORE I DO,
JUST REMEMBER THIS ONE THING,

THESE PEOPLE ARE
HUMAN BEINGS JUST LIKE ME,

AND ONE OR TWO OF YOU.

NOW, OUR JUDGES
ARE WILBUR MURRAY.

STAND UP, WILBUR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO
THE OTHER TWO JUDGES?

WELL, THEY WERE
JUST ITCHIN' TO BE HERE,

BUT THEY JUST COULDN'T MAKE IT.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU TWO.

THERE'S SOMETHIN' SMELLY HERE.

YOU THINK SOMETHIN' SMELLS
NOW, WAIT 'TILL THE SHOW STARTS.

ALL RIGHT NOW, THESE ARE
OUR TWO ALTERNATE JUDGES.

THIS ONE IS BEAU DE LABARRE.

QUIET NOW.

SIT DOWN, BEAU, GO SIT DOWN.

AND THIS IS ARNOLD HORSHACK.

QUIET, WILL YOU BE
QUIET, ARNOLD, STOP THAT!

SIT DOWN!

NOW, THEY'RE GONNA
BE FAIR AND SQUARE.

I'LL CERTAINLY BE FAIR.

WE ALL KNOW HOW
SQUARE ARNOLD IS.

BEAU DE LABARRE, I'M
TELLIN' YOU TO SIT DOWN,

NOW SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, NOW ON WITH OUR SHOW.

OUR FIRST CONTESTANT, WE
HAVE THE BONNAVITTACOLA

DANCING GIRLS.

THEY ARE TERRY, LINDA AND CAROL.

AND THEY ARE GOING TO
DO FOR YOU THEIR VERSION

OF THE NUTCRACKER SUITE.

THEY'RE GONNA DO
THIS ALL ON POGO STICKS.

YOU'RE GONNA LOVE SOME OF THIS.

STOP IT, STOP IT, STOP IT!

CUT THAT OUT.

PUT THAT TOMATO DOWN.

STOP IT!

YOU GO TO THE NURSE.

ALL RIGHT NOW,
FOR ACT NUMBER 23.

WE HAVE A MIND READING DUO
HERE CALLED MEDIUM AND RARE.

EVERYBODY NOW, I WANNA
INTRODUCE EVERYBODY OVER HERE

TO THE GREAT SWAMY.

BUT FIRST, I GOTTA
BLINDFOLD HIM.

OH GREAT SWAMY,
ARE YOU BLINDFOLDED?

- RIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT, OKAY.

NOW, EVERYBODY, THE SWAMY,
HE'S GONNA BAFFLE YOUR MINDS

WITH FEATS OF EXTRA SENSORY
PERCEPTION AND MIND READIN'.

OKAY NOW, SWAMY, YOU READY?

- YEAH, YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.

COME HERE, BABY.

OKAY NOW, SWAMY, I GOT
A VOLUNTEER FROM OUT

OF THE AUDIENCE.

NOW TELL ME, SWAMY,
WITH YOUR GREAT MIND,

IS SHE MALE OR FEMALE?

HE'S FEMALE!

THAT'S RIGHT!

SWAMY, OKAY NOW,
OKAY, NOW THIS GIRL,

SHE HAS SOMETHING ON HER WRIST.

AND BELIEVE ME, YOU'LL
GET THIS IN NO TIME.

A HAT?

NO, NO, LOOK, SHE'S GOT
SOMETHIN' ON HER WRIST.

- HANDCUFFS.
- NO, NO, NO, SWAMY.

NOW, THINK, THINK!

NOW, COME ON NOW, LISTEN UP.

THE SECONDS ARE TICKIN' AWAY.

SO, WATCH OUT.

WATCH OUT?

WATCH OUT?

WATCH... WATCH.

ON HER WRIST, SHE WEARS A WATCH!

THE SWAMY, THE SWAMY
KNOWS, HE KNOWS.

COME ON, COME ON, GIVE
ME SOMETHIN' TOUGHER,

GIVE ME SOMETHIN' TOUGHER.

OKAY NOW, SWAMY, THIS CHICK NOW,

SHE'S GOT SOMETHIN' ON HER FOOT.

EW!

COME HERE NOW, SWAMY.

THIS IS GONNA BE A REAL SHOE-IN.

NOW, SWAMY, IF YOU DON'T
GET THIS, YOU GONNA FEEL

LIKE A HEEL, SO, PLEASE
DON'T BE A LOAFER.

COME ON, FREDDIE,
GIVE ME SOME CLUES.

COME ON NOW, SWAMY, THINK,
THINK WITH ALL YOUR HEART

AND SOUL.

SOUL?

SOUL, I HAVE IT!

ON HER FOOT, SHE WEARS A FISH!

I KNOW, THE SWAMY, HE KNOWS!

HEY, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

YOU DID IT REAL
GOOD IN REHEARSAL!

IN REHEARSAL, I DIDN'T
HAVE TO WEAR A BLINDFOLD!

HEY, LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

THE SWAMY WILL RETURN!

SETTLE DOWN.

FOR THE FINAL ACT
OF THE EVENING,

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

WE WILL HAVE SONGS FROM
THE SEWER BY CARVELLI.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH
FOR THAT ROUND OF APPEAL.

IT'S TIME FOR MY FRIEND
AND COMPATRIOT, OYSTER.

HE'S OVER THERE, OYSTER, CAN
WE HAVE A ROUND OF APPLAUSE

FOR OYSTER, PLEASE?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OYSTER'S TELLING
ME SOMETHING NOW.

OYSTER'S GONNA BE A MOTHER.

LOOK AT THIS, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.

LITTLE OYSTERS.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, SHE
ALREADY HAS TWO KIDS.

I'M GONNA CHANGE
A THREE OF CLUBS

TO A ONE AND A HALF OF CLUBS.

AND RIGHT NOW, WATCH
AGAIN AS I TEAR IT UP.

NOW, AS I TEAR THIS UP,
MANY THINGS ARE PROBABLY

GOING THROUGH YOUR MIND.

I WISH I COULD SAY
THE SAME FOR MYSELF.

AND NOW, MY
IMPRESSION OF A PARADE.

I ORDERED SOUP.

THIS FIRST SONG,
IT'S CALLED LUNCH.

IT'S DEDICATED TO DIRT.

♪ I WAS BORN IN THE GUTTER,

THAT'S WHY I'M SO SMELLY ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE PEANUT BUTTER

UNLESS IT'S SMOOSHED
WITH JELLY ♪

♪ PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL I PUT IN MY BELLY ♪

♪ PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL I PUT IN
MY BELLY, EVERYBODY ♪

♪ PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL I PUT IN MY BELLY ♪

♪ I'M A PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY KIND OF GUY ♪

♪ PEANUT BUTTER
AND JELLY ON RYE ♪♪

ALL RIGHT, HERE WE GO.

THIS IS CALLED,
CARVELLI'S THEME.

♪ MY NAME'S CARVELLI ♪

♪ I LIVE IN NEW YORK ♪

♪ I'M SO MEAN AND NASTY ♪

♪ I EAT MY SOUP WITH A FORK ♪♪

QUIET, YOU'RE THROWIN' ME OFF.

THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, QUIET
DOWN NOW, QUIET DOWN.

IT'S NOW TIME FOR THE
DECISION OF THE JUDGES.

WE HAVE ONE VOTE FOR CARVELLI.

ONE VOTE FOR MEDIUM AND RARE.

AND ONE VOTE FOR CARVELLI.

THE WINNER IS CARVELLI.

I'M TELLING YOU, I'VE SEEN SHOWS
ON BROADWAY THAT WERE WORSE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, GUYS.

HI.

SO, WHAT HAPPENED, FRIENDS?

YEAH, PALS?

YOU GUYS STANK.

I MEAN REALLY STINK.

I MEAN, WHOA!

ALL RIGHT, I GET THE PICTURE.

YEAH, I GOT WHERE
YOU COMIN' FROM.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

IF YOU VOTED FOR CARVELLI,
AND YOU VOTED FOR CARVELLI,

WHO VOTED FOR US?

- I DID!
- YOU?

YEAH, YOU WERE TERRIFIC.

EPSTEIN HERE FIGURED
OUT THAT SHE WAS A GIRL

AND WAS WEARIN' A WATCH.

EPSTEIN, YOU A GREAT SWAMY.

ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS, COME ON,
GET THAT SOUND SYSTEM PUT UP.

AND GET THESE
CHAIRS ALL FOLDED UP.

I'D LIKE TO GET OUTTA
HERE BY 10 O'CLOCK.

HEY, LISTEN, I'M REALLY
KIND OF PROUD OF YOU GUYS.

I MEAN, I LIKE THE WAY YOU
STUCK UP FOR YOUR FRIENDS,

BUT YOU WERE HONEST WITH THEM
AND HONEST WITH YOURSELVES, TOO.

WE DID ALL THAT?

HELLO THERE, MR. WOODMAN.

HOW'D YOU LIKE THE TALENT SHOW?

IT WAS TOO SHORT.

TOO SHORT?

YEAH, I GOT FOUR
ROTTEN EGGS LEFT OVER.

GOOD NIGHT, YOU GUYS,
I'M SORRY YOU DIDN'T WIN.

YOU GONNA DO SOMETHIN'
DIFFERENT NEXT YEAR?

NAH, I KINDA LIKED THIS ACT,
YOU KNOW, THE BLINDFOLD

PROTECTS MY EYES
AGAINST THE TOMATOES.

WITH YOUR ACT, YOU OUGHTA GIVE
THE BLINDFOLDS TO THE AUDIENCE.

I'M TELLIN' YA, MAN, WE
SHOULDA STUCK WITH THE ACT

THAT WE DID LAST
YEAR, THAT WORKS.

OH, YES, IT WAS CALLED
THE HUSTLE, BUSTLE, RUSTLE,

BUMP, LUMP, GRIND, ROCK,
SOCK, LOCK AND BOOGIE.

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHIN'
THAT HAPPENS TO MY CAR.

LET FREDDIE AND I
ILLUSTRATE IT FOR YOU.

FREDDIE, IF YOU WOULD, ONE,
A TWO, A ONE, TWO THREE FOUR.

♪ BA, DA, DA, DA, DA, DA ♪♪



♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED

SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED

AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK

HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪

♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE ♪♪