Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Sweat Smell of Success - full transcript
Epstein is assigned to the school paper and changes it from a dull, lifeless weekly to a gossipy, sensationalist money-maker -- almost losing his friends in the process.
- ARNOLD, WAIT A
SECOND, HOLD THE DOOR.
I WANT TO PASS OUT
THE LATEST EDITION
OF "THE BUCHANAN BUGLE."
- OH HERE, LET ME CARRY SOME.
- OH, BUTTERFINGERS.
- YOU KNOW, MARY,
YOU'RE DOING SO MUCH
ON THIS SCHOOL PAPER.
YOU'RE THE WRITER, THE
EDITOR, THE PAPERBOY.
- BOY, ARNOLD?
- PAPERPERSON.
OH, AND EVERYBODY
JUST LOVES THE PAPER.
THEY JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR
THE NEXT ISSUE TO COME OUT.
THEY READ IT FROM
COVER TO COVER.
- OH, THANK YOU, ARNOLD.
LISTEN, I KNOW WE WERE
GONNA STUDY FRIDAY NIGHT
FOR THAT EXAM ON MONDAY
BUT I HAVE TO BEG OFF.
I HAVE TO LAY OUT SOME ADS.
- OH.
OH, WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
HOW ABOUT ON SATURDAY THEN?
- OH, I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO
TYPE UP THE NEW STORIES.
SUNDAY FOR SURE.
- OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER.
HI.
EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT.
"THE BUCHANAN BUGLE,"
HOT OFF THE PRESSES.
- HAND 'EM OUT NOW, ARNOLD.
IT'LL BE A WHILE BEFORE
EPSTEIN FIGURES OUT
WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO
DO WITH THAT PROJECTOR.
- INFORMED STUDENTS
MAKE BETTER LOVERS.
ONE FOR YOU, AND SOME
FOR YOU, AND SOME...
THERE ARE PLENTY OF PICTURES
IF YOU CAN'T READ, YOU KNOW?
ONE FOR YOU AND ONE
FOR YOU AND ONE FOR YOU
AND ONE FOR YOU. AND ONE FOR ME.
- ALL RIGHT, SIT DOWN, HORSHACK.
NOW WE'LL HAVE A
FILM ABOUT BOLIVIA
AND THEN WE'LL HAVE A TEST.
ROLL IT, EPSTEIN.
- READY?
AND ACTION.
- FORGET PICKING
UP THE FILM, EPSTEIN.
JUST TAKE YOUR SEAT.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I WILL BE READY FOR
TAKE TWO IN A SECOND.
- GET YOUR BUNS IN YOUR CHAIR.
- COME ON, JUST GIVE
ME A SECOND HERE.
- THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY
WHEN YOU BROKE THE SPROCKET
AND THE DAY BEFORE WHEN
YOU RAN THE WRONG FILM.
- ARE YOU SAYING I
AIN'T INCOMPETENT?
- I'M SAYING YOU'RE WASHED
UP AS SCHOOL PROJECTIONIST.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH
ANY EQUIPMENT ANYMORE.
- WAIT A SECOND NOW.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
I GAVE MEANING TO
THIS CRUMMY JOB.
- I'M SICK OF YOUR
BLUNDERING, EPSTEIN.
I'M ASSIGNING YOU TO SOMETHING
YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY WORSE.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE WORKING
ON THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
- WOW, MAN, "THE
BUCHANAN BUGLE"?
I WOULDN'T PUT THAT
PAPER UNDER MY DOG.
- PUT THAT FILM AWAY
AND TAKE YOUR SEAT.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT BOLIVIA?
- FORGET BOLIVIA, MR. WOODMAN,
THE WHITE MICE ARE
LOOSE IN THE BIOLOGY LAB.
WE'VE GOT TO GET THEM
BACK IN THEIR CAGES.
- WELL, CAN'T YOU
TAKE CARE OF IT?
- MR. WOODMAN, YOU'RE
SO MUCH BETTER AT THAT.
YOU'VE GOT A WAY WITH MICE.
- BEAUREGARD, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE MICE.
YOU WATCH THE RATS.
- CLASS DISMISSED.
- HEY, LITTLE JUAN,
DON'T FEEL SO BAD.
LOOK, MY FRIEND MARY
JOHNSON IS THE EDITOR
OF "THE BUCHANAN BUGLE."
MAYBE I CAN PULL SOME STRINGS
AND SHE COULD DO
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- LIKE GET YOU OFF IT.
- I JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU GUYS
AND TURN THAT
NEWSPAPER INTO SOMETHING.
- HEY, YOU WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME.
YOU ALREADY TURNED THAT
PROJECTOR INTO A MIXMASTER.
- C'MON, C'MON, I'M WORKING
WITH INFERIOR EQUIPMENT HERE.
- YEAH. YOUR HANDS
AND YOUR BRAIN.
- JUAN.
- WHAT?
- LET ME FILL YOU IN
WITH SOMETHING, OKAY?
THERE'S ONLY ONE PAPER
IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY
THAT'S WORTH READING.
AND THAT'S THIS RIGHT
HERE, "THE NATIONAL INSIDER."
- YEAH, I READ THAT EVERY DAY.
- HEY, MURRAY.
IT ONLY COMES OUT ONCE A WEEK.
- HEY, I'M A SLOW READER.
- OH, MURRAY, IF YOU EVER
DONATE YOUR BRAIN TO SCIENCE,
PUT A LITTLE NOTE ON IT
SO THEY KNOW WHAT IT IS.
- HEY, CARVELLI, MAN,
THAT PAPER THERE, MAN,
THAT "INSIDER,"
THAT'S JUNK, MAN.
THAT'S TRASH.
- WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
WHERE DO YOU SEE
HEADLINES LIKE THIS?
LOOK AT THIS.
"THREE-HEADED COW
SURVIVES ELEVATOR FALL."
- WHO CARES ABOUT
A THREE-HEADED COW?
- A THREE-HEADED BULL.
- ALL RIGHT, ARNOLD. HERE'S
SOMETHING FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
LOOK AT THIS.
- WHAT?
- "BURT REYNOLDS REVEALS
SECRET SEX APPEAL DIET.
LOOK AT THAT."
- OH, LET ME SEE THIS.
HEY, THIS IS WHAT I
HAD FOR BREAKFAST.
I'D BETTER GO HOME,
I MIGHT BE GETTING A
CALL FROM SALLY FIELD.
BYE NOW.
- GET BACK HERE. THIS
HERE'S MY CYCLOPEDIA.
THIS HAS GOT
EVERYTHING AND IT'S STUFF
THEY'RE AFRAID TO
PUT ON TELEVISION,
STORIES AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
- WELL, I FOR ONE
AM CERTAINLY GLAD
THAT "THE BUCHANAN
BUGLE" DOES NOT STOOP
TO THAT KIND OF
SHABBY REPORTING.
- MAYBE THAT'S THE
PROBLEM, ARNOLD.
THE "BUGLE" AIN'T TELLING
THE UNTOLD STORY.
LOOK AT THIS HERE, "SWISS
DOCTOR PROVES OSMOND FAMILY
CLONING SIX NEW BROTHERS."
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, MARY.
THAT STUFF YOU'RE
PRINTING IS DULL.
DULL, DULL, DULL.
Mary: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LAST WEEK WE HAD A MAP
OF THE SCHOOL FIRE EXITS.
- WHAT'S YOUR NEXT BIGGIE?
A TOUR THROUGH THE AIR DUCTS?
MARY, YOU AIN'T
DIGGING DEEP ENOUGH.
LIKE, LOOK AT THIS HERE.
THIS STORY YOU'RE DOING
ON MRS. KOTTER, RIGHT?
SAYS HERE, "SHE SAYS,
'MR. WOODMAN IS WARM
AND WONDERFUL.'"
HOW DOES SHE KNOW HE'S
WARM AND WONDERFUL, HUH?
- YOU'RE READING
TOO MUCH INTO IT.
- REALLY?
TO ME, "WARM" COVERS
A LOT OF TERRITORY.
OBVIOUSLY, MRS. KOTTER'S
GOT SOMETHING GOIN'
WITH THE OLD GRAY FOX.
- JUAN, MRS. KOTTER ISN'T
THAT KIND OF A PERSON.
- I'M TELLING YOU THAT THERE'S
AN UNTOLD STORY THERE.
- YOU THINK WE SHOULD
PRINT THOSE KIND OF STORIES?
- HEY, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, SUGARLIPS,
WITH MY IDEAS AND YOUR SPELLING,
WE'RE GONNA SET
THIS SCHOOL ON ITS EAR.
ALL RIGHT.
WHO DIED?
ALL RIGHT. WHO'S ABOUT TO DIE?
DID YOU HEAR THE
ONE ABOUT THE PRIEST
THAT OPENED A FISH
AND CHIPS PLACE?
CUSTOMER WALKS IN AND
HE LOOKS AT HIM AND HE SAYS,
"ARE YOU THE FISH FRYER?
"HE SAYS, "NO, I'M
THE CHIPMUNK."
YOU KNOW, IT MAY BE HARD
FOR YOU GUYS TO BELIEVE THIS
BUT SOMETIMES THAT
JOKE DOES NOT GET A LAUGH.
"BASKETBALL STAR
STOPS WEARING DIAPERS.
MOTHER ADMITS FREDDIE
"BOOM BOOM" WASHINGTON
WAS BIG LAUNDRY PROBLEM."
"SOUTHERN SWEATHOG,
BEAU DE LABARRE,
ADMITS HE HAS KLAN TIES."
- MRS. KOTTER, I'M
NOT IN THE KLAN.
I'M GONNA NEED A POLICE ESCORT
JUST TO GET HOME TONIGHT.
- JUAN CRUCIFIED
ME TOO, MRS. KOTTER.
HE SAID THAT MY PARENTS
ABANDONED ME IN A SUPERMARKET.
THEY LEFT ME IN A
SHOPPING CART SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN THE GORGONZOLA
AND THE KNACKWURST.
- WELL, I GUESS I BETTER
GO HAVE A TALK WITH JUAN.
- NAH, NAH, MRS. KOTTER,
YOU GOTTA DO MORE
THAN TALK TO JUAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO?
YOU GOTTA GET
HIM OFF THAT PAPER.
- OH, FREDDIE, I DON'T
THINK IT'S THAT SERIOUS.
- WELL, WAIT 'TIL YOU
READ THE UNTOLD STORY
ABOUT YOU AND MR. WOODMAN.
- PAGE 2.
- CATCH THE LAST LINE.
- "AS HE MOVED CLOSER TO JULIE,
HER BREATH CAME IN SHORT PANTS.
'OH, MICHAEL, WARM, WONDERFUL
MICHAEL, ' JULIE SIGHED.
WITHOUT HESITATION,
MICHAEL REACHED FOR HERó
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK."
- COME IN.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
- I GUESS I KNOW
WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.
THEN AGAIN, WHY
DON'T YOU JUST TELL US
WHY WE'RE ALL HERE?
- FREDDIE'S IN DIAPERS.
BEAU IS IN THE KLAN.
MRS. KOTTER'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
TWO OF THOSE STORIES
ARE TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE.
- IT'S PRETTY TAME STUFF.
WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE
NEXT WEEK'S PAPER.
- THERE'S NOT GONNA BE
ANOTHER ISSUE LIKE THIS, EPSTEIN.
THIS IS JUNK JOURNALISM.
- JUNK?
YOU'RE CALLING THE TRUTH "JUNK"?
LOOK, YOU CAN'T TELL ME
FREDDIE DIDN'T WEAR DIAPERS.
I KNOW HE DID.
- YEAH, WHEN HE WAS
ONLY 6 MONTHS OLD.
- WELL...
- I WORE DIAPERS MYSELF
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE.
PUT THAT NOTEBOOK AWAY.
- NOW, LOOK, MR. WOODMAN.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA GO
BACK TO GET A STORY, RIGHT, MARY?
- RIGHT. GOTTA GO BACK.
- THIS ARTICLE, "DE
LABARRE HAS KLAN TIES."
I DIDN'T READ ANYTHING
ABOUT ANY KLAN TIES.
- C'MON, GIVE ME A
BREAK HERE, HUH?
THIS IS A MISPRINT.
SUPPOSED TO READ "DE
LABARRE HAS CLEAN TIES."
- MR. WOODMAN, THE LAB
MICE ARE LOOSE AGAIN.
LET'S GO.
- NOT NOW, JULIE, THIS
IS MORE IMPORTANT.
I'M TAKING JUAN OFF
THE SCHOOL PAPER.
- WHAT?
- DON'T LET HIM, MRS. KOTTER.
HE'S TAMPERING WITH
FREEDOM OF THE PRESS.
- UH, WELL, MARY, YOU HAVE
TO ADMIT THAT THAT ARTICLE
ABOUT MR. WOODMAN
AND I WAS VERY TACKY.
- JULIE'S NOT MY
TYPE. SHE'S TOO TALL.
- LOOK, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU YANK ME OFF THAT PAPER,
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE A GREAT
DEAL OF ADVERTISING RETINUE.
- WE'RE SHOWING A
PROFIT, MR. WOODMAN.
THE PAPER CLEARED
OVER $300 THIS WEEK.
- THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR THE
GOSSIP AND ALL THAT TRASH.
- I GOT THE FIGURES
IN MY OFFICE.
NEXT WEEK, I'M
PROJECTING 500 BUCKS.
- FIVE HUNDRED B... B... BUCKS?
- JUAN, I THINK THAT YOU'RE
FORGETTING WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
- SO ARE YOU, JULIE.
GO CATCH THE MICE.
THESE KIDS HAVE A
PAPER TO PUT OUT.
- UH, MAY I?
- MAY I?
THANK YOU.
- THAT'S A GOOD WAY FOR YOU GUYS
TO GET YOUR TEETH
EXTRACTED FOR NOTHING.
- YEAH? WELL, IF I WAS YOU,
I'D START WORRYING ABOUT YOU.
- C'MON, C'MON, FREDDIE,
WHAT'S GOT YOUR NOSE
ALL OUT OF JOINT HERE?
- WHAT'S GOT MY
NOSE ALL OUT OF JOINT?
I'M A SHOW YOU WHAT IT IS.
THIS RIGHT HERE,
THIS WEEK'S ISSUE,
IS WHAT GOT ME GOIN' CRAZY.
- THERE AIN'T NOTHING
INFLAMMABLE ABOUT YOU
IN HERE, FREDDIE.
- THAT'S THE WHOLE
PROBLEM, JUAN.
YOU GOT THE ENTIRE
SCHOOL STILL THINKING
THAT I WEAR DIAPERS.
YOU GOT TO PRINT
A RETRACTION, MAN.
- LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS
GOT TROUBLES, HUH?
- I ASSUME THAT
THIS IS YOUR STORY,
"BACKSTAGE AT BUCHANAN"?
- I THINK THE PEOPLE
HAVE THE RIGHTS TO KNOW
WHAT GOES ON BEHIND
THE FOOTLIGHTS, ARNOLD.
- HOW COULD YOU
ACCUSE ME OF HOLDING UP
THE OPENING NIGHT CURTAIN?
- I WAS THERE, ARNOLD.
YOU WERE 10 MINUTES LATE.
- WELL, I HAD TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
- I SAW THE PLAY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE.
- AND THEN YOU
SAY THAT I, I, THAT I,
I, HAVE A TEMPER TANTRUM.
I DO NOT HAVE TEMPER TANTRUMS!
I DON'T! I NEVER HAVE
TEMPER TANTRUMS.
YOU SAID I WAS YELLING
AND I WAS FUSSING.
NEVER! NEVER, MISTER, I
NEVER YELL AND I NEVER FUSS.
- YOU MOSTLY SCREAM.
- YEAH? WELL, YOU WOULD
TOO IF THE STAGE MANAGER
PUT A LIT CIGAR IN
YOUR SUIT OF ARMOR.
- C'MON, YOU GUYS,
HUH? KNOCK IT OFF.
YOU'RE TAKING THIS
WAY TOO PERSONAL.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE HERE
BETWEEN FRIENDSHIP AND BUSINESS.
YOU GUYS ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO
DEVELOP A DETACHED ALTITUDE.
- OH YEAH? WE'LL, WE'RE
DETACHING OURSELVES
FROM YOU RIGHT NOW.
'CAUSE I THINK YOUR HEAD IS
GETTING TOO BIG FOR YOUR HAIR.
- YOU'RE SO TWISTED, YOU
SHOULD MODEL PRETZELS.
- GOODBYE, LITTLE JUAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE REALLY
TURNED INTO A 24-KARAT CREEP.
AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE SAME THING
HAPPENED TO CITIZEN KANE.
HELLO, MARY.
LOOK, I WANT YOU TO COVER
THAT GIRLS' BASKETBALL GAME.
I WANT MORE THAN JUST THE SCORE.
I WANT LOCKER ROOM TALK.
I WANT TO BE ABLE
TO SMELL THAT SWEAT.
- GOTCHA.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
JUAN EPSTEIN.
CUB REPORTER.
- C'MON, CARVELLI, COME
BACK LATER, I'M BUSY.
- YEAH? YOU'RE TOO BUSY FOR
WHAT I CALL A SCOOP HEADLINE?
- AYE, SPILL IT.
- ALL RIGHT. DIG THIS.
SCHOOL MASCOT KIDNAPPED.
- WHEN?
- TOMORROW NIGHT.
- I TOLD YOU GUYS DON'T
MAKE UP YOUR OWN STORY.
I TOLD YOU TO GET THE LOWDOWN
ON THE SCHOOL CROSSING GUY.
- WHY? SHE AIN'T BEEN
HIT BY A CAR IN 2 WEEKS.
- I TELL YOU, THERE'S
STILL A STORY THERE.
- YEAH, YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
EPSTEIN, I THINK I GOT IT.
LISTEN TO THIS.
WE'LL TAKE HER SIGN AWAY
AND SEE IF SHE CAN
STOP CARS THEN, HUH?
LOOK, EPSTEIN, WHAT
ABOUT MY EXPENSE ACCOUNT?
YOU KNOW, I GOT
A LOT OF EXPENSES.
- C'MON, CARVELLI, BLOW, BLOW.
- YEAH.
- C'MON, MURRAY.
HEY, MURRAY, MURRAY.
MURRAY, C'MON,
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A GOOD THING
HE DIDN'T TELL YOU TO SPLIT.
- I THOUGHT I TOLD
YOU GUYS TO SPL-
- WHAT'S HAPPENING,
MAN? HOW YOU FEELING?
I GOT SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU, MAN.
IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
- LOOK, IF YOU CAME HERE
TO HECKLE ME, FREDDIE,
YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT.
- OH, NO, IT AIN'T THAT, MAN. I
GOT SOME INFORMATION, MAN.
IT MIGHT TURN INTO A HOT STORY.
- YEAH? WHAT IS IT?
- YOU KNOW THEM CATS,
THE BENDOFFO BROTHERS?
- YEAH, YEAH, BONZO AND BRUNO.
WHO'D THEY BUST UP NOW?
- NOBODY YET BUT
GET READY FOR THIS.
YOU READY?
- YEAH.
- SOMEBODY MADE A
PASS AT THEIR SISTER.
OH-HO-HO-HOHH.
- SOMEBODY MADE
A PASS AT BONITA?
- RIGHT.
- THIS IS GREAT. THIS
GONNA BE A GREAT STORY.
LET'S SEE, THE LAST
GUY TO DO THAT
WAS THE CAPTAIN OF THE
FOOTBALL TEAM, CRASH KAWALSKI.
- YEAH.
- HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HIM?
- UH, THE LAST I HEARD HE
WAS BACK ON SOLID FOODS.
- THIS IS GREAT,
FREDDIE, THIS IS GOLD.
THIS IS FRONT-PAGE STUFF.
Freddie: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- ALL RIGHT, SLING THE MUD.
WHO WAS HE?
- UH, ARNOLD TOLD ME IT WAS YOU.
- ME?
Freddie: YEAH.
- MUST BE SOME
MISTAKE. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I CAN'T PRINT THAT.
- JUAN, THAT IS TOO TRUE.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WAS OUT
AND YOU WAS PLAYING
IN THE SCHOOLYARD,
YOU WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL
IN THE SCHOOLYARD?
- YEAH.
- AND YOU TOOK THE BALL
AND YOU THREW IT TO
HER AND SHE CAUGHT IT?
- YEAH, YEAH.
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT
ARNOLD TOLD 'EM.
YOU MADE A PASS AT HER.
- FREDDIE, I CAN GET KILLED.
I MEAN, DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY
I WAS JUST FOOLING
AROUND WITH A BASKETBALL?
- OH, YEAH, I TOLD 'EM THAT.
I TOLD 'EM YOU WAS
FOOLING AROUND WITH HER.
- BASKETBALL.
DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE BASKETBALL?
- WELL, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
BEAU TOOK CARE OF THAT.
HE SAYS YOU AND
BONITA HAD A BALL.
- FREDDIE!
FREDDIE, I CAN GET KILLED
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
I MEAN, THE BENDOFFOS,
THEY'RE LIABLE JUST
TO RIP OFF MY HEAD.
YOU GOT TO DO
SOMETHING, FREDDIE.
I MEAN, YOU GOT TO TELL
'EM THAT THAT WASN'T TRUE.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME
KIND OF MISTAKE HERE.
IT'S THEM. IT'S THEM,
IT'S THE BENDOFFOS.
FREDDIE, LOOK, I
NEVER ASKED FOR THIS.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO HELP
ME, JUST THIS ONE TIME.
- WELL, WHAT CAN I DO, JUAN?
WHAT CAN I DO?
- TELL 'EM ANYTHING.
TELL 'EM I'D RATHER DIE THAN
GO OUT WITH THEIR SISTER.
- ALL RIGHT, JUAN.
I'M GONNA TELL THE
BENDOFFO BROTHERS
THAT JUAN EPSTEIN
SAYS, "HE'S READY TO DIE."
- SOóAIN'T YOU GONNA ASK US IN?
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
YOU AIN'T THE BENDOFFOS.
- NO, WE'RE HERE
FOR THE SAME REASON.
POUND SOME SENSE INTO YOUR HEAD.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOTTA STOP WRITING
ALL OF THESE HALF TRUTHS,
THESE INNUENDOES, ALL
THIS SENSATIONALISM, JUAN.
- THAT'S TRUE, JUAN.
ALL THAT STUFF
YOU'RE PRINTING, MAN,
IT CAN DO A LOT OF PEOPLE HARM,
CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE TROUBLE.
- SO YOU GUYS DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING TO THE BENDOFFOS?
- NO.
HEY, REAL FRIENDS WOULDN'T
DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, NOT REAL FRIENDS.
- BUT I GUESS AN
EX-FRIEND WOULD.
- SEE YOU AROUND.
- THE POINT I AM TRYING
TO MAKE IS THAT HISTORY
IS FILLED WITH
INACCURATE REPORTING.
- THEN HOW COME
WE HAVE TO LEARN IT?
- PAPERS, PAPERS,
READ ALL ABOUT IT.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN
NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORTS.
- YEAH, THERE'S
CLASS WORK, EPSTEIN.
SIT DOWN.
- I'M SORRY, MR. WOODMAN,
I HAD TO GET OUT
THE BULLDOG EDITION HERE.
- UNBELIEVABLE.
- SENSATIONAL.
- EPSTEIN EXPOSES HIMSELF.
- "AT THE TENDER AGE OF
4, A RAGTAG JUAN EPSTEIN
BEGAN HIS LIFE OF CRIME
BY STEALING THE HUBCABS
OFF HIS OWN BABY CARRIAGE."
- "AT THE AGE OF 12, HE
HOTWIRED A SUBWAY CAR
AND COLLECTED FARES FOR 3 DAYS."
- IT SAYS, "LATER, JUAN
FAILED AT MANY JOBS.
AS A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT,
HE LOST MORE CARS
THAN HE PARKED."
IT ALSO SAID, "JUAN WAS
DISMISSED AS A LIFEGUARD
FOR TRYING TO
START A NUDE BEACH."
HEY, OH, JUAN, I
GUESS OUR LITTLE TALK
DID YOU SOME GOOD, HUH?
- C'MON, C'MON, YOU GUYS,
DON'T FLATTER YOURSELVES, HUH?
I WANTED TO GO OUT OF
THIS NEWSPAPER BUSINESS
IN A BLAZE OF GLORY.
- THIS CENTERFOLD IS DISGUSTING.
- IT'S THE ONLY PICTURE I
COULD FIND OF MR. WOODMAN.
- WHAT?
AHH.
LOOK AT THOSE DIMPLES.
- EH, WHAT'S HAPPENING,
MR. WOODMAN?
- HI, MR. WOODMAN.
- TAKE YOUR SEATS,
WILL YOU PLEASE?
- RIGHT ON.
HEY, JUAN.
HEARD YOU GOT YOUR
OLD JOB BACK, BABY.
- YEAH, YEAH, YOU CAN'T KEEP
ME AWAY FROM FILM, YOU KNOW?
I'M JUST A
16-MILLIMETER KINDA GUY.
- YOU MEAN WOODMAN GAVE
YOU YOUR OLD JOB BACK?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH,
SURE, HE SAW THE LIGHT.
- I THINK THE QUESTION IS,
IS HE GONNA SEE THE FILM?
- IS IT GONNA WORK
RIGHT THIS TIME, EPSTEIN?
- OH, SURE, SURE, I
CHECKED THE SPROCKETS,
I CHECKED THE REEL,
I CHECKED THE PLUG.
WHAT CAN GO WRONG?
- THE SPROCKETS, THE
REEL AND THE PLUG.
- WATCH THIS HERE.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION.
THERE IT IS, IT'S PERFECT.
Freddie: HEY, JUAN?
Juan: YEAH. WHAT?
- JUAN, I DON'T WANT
TO SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE MOVIE BUSINESS
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU
KNOW ALL ABOUT FILM AND STUFF.
- SURE, SURE.
- BUT DON'T YOU THINK
IT'D BE A LOT EASIER
IF THERE WAS A SCREEN UP THERE?
- ALL RIGHT, GO EASY, HUH?
THE KID'S GONNA
FIX THAT RIGHT NOW.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOU ALWAYS COULD... ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A
SCENE YOU WERE TURNING IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT... ♪
SECOND, HOLD THE DOOR.
I WANT TO PASS OUT
THE LATEST EDITION
OF "THE BUCHANAN BUGLE."
- OH HERE, LET ME CARRY SOME.
- OH, BUTTERFINGERS.
- YOU KNOW, MARY,
YOU'RE DOING SO MUCH
ON THIS SCHOOL PAPER.
YOU'RE THE WRITER, THE
EDITOR, THE PAPERBOY.
- BOY, ARNOLD?
- PAPERPERSON.
OH, AND EVERYBODY
JUST LOVES THE PAPER.
THEY JUST CAN'T WAIT FOR
THE NEXT ISSUE TO COME OUT.
THEY READ IT FROM
COVER TO COVER.
- OH, THANK YOU, ARNOLD.
LISTEN, I KNOW WE WERE
GONNA STUDY FRIDAY NIGHT
FOR THAT EXAM ON MONDAY
BUT I HAVE TO BEG OFF.
I HAVE TO LAY OUT SOME ADS.
- OH.
OH, WELL, THAT'S OKAY.
HOW ABOUT ON SATURDAY THEN?
- OH, I'M SORRY, I HAVE TO
TYPE UP THE NEW STORIES.
SUNDAY FOR SURE.
- OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER.
HI.
EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT.
"THE BUCHANAN BUGLE,"
HOT OFF THE PRESSES.
- HAND 'EM OUT NOW, ARNOLD.
IT'LL BE A WHILE BEFORE
EPSTEIN FIGURES OUT
WHAT HE'S SUPPOSED TO
DO WITH THAT PROJECTOR.
- INFORMED STUDENTS
MAKE BETTER LOVERS.
ONE FOR YOU, AND SOME
FOR YOU, AND SOME...
THERE ARE PLENTY OF PICTURES
IF YOU CAN'T READ, YOU KNOW?
ONE FOR YOU AND ONE
FOR YOU AND ONE FOR YOU
AND ONE FOR YOU. AND ONE FOR ME.
- ALL RIGHT, SIT DOWN, HORSHACK.
NOW WE'LL HAVE A
FILM ABOUT BOLIVIA
AND THEN WE'LL HAVE A TEST.
ROLL IT, EPSTEIN.
- READY?
AND ACTION.
- FORGET PICKING
UP THE FILM, EPSTEIN.
JUST TAKE YOUR SEAT.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I WILL BE READY FOR
TAKE TWO IN A SECOND.
- GET YOUR BUNS IN YOUR CHAIR.
- COME ON, JUST GIVE
ME A SECOND HERE.
- THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID YESTERDAY
WHEN YOU BROKE THE SPROCKET
AND THE DAY BEFORE WHEN
YOU RAN THE WRONG FILM.
- ARE YOU SAYING I
AIN'T INCOMPETENT?
- I'M SAYING YOU'RE WASHED
UP AS SCHOOL PROJECTIONIST.
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH
ANY EQUIPMENT ANYMORE.
- WAIT A SECOND NOW.
YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME.
I GAVE MEANING TO
THIS CRUMMY JOB.
- I'M SICK OF YOUR
BLUNDERING, EPSTEIN.
I'M ASSIGNING YOU TO SOMETHING
YOU CAN'T MAKE ANY WORSE.
FROM NOW ON, YOU'RE WORKING
ON THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
- WOW, MAN, "THE
BUCHANAN BUGLE"?
I WOULDN'T PUT THAT
PAPER UNDER MY DOG.
- PUT THAT FILM AWAY
AND TAKE YOUR SEAT.
CAN WE TALK ABOUT BOLIVIA?
- FORGET BOLIVIA, MR. WOODMAN,
THE WHITE MICE ARE
LOOSE IN THE BIOLOGY LAB.
WE'VE GOT TO GET THEM
BACK IN THEIR CAGES.
- WELL, CAN'T YOU
TAKE CARE OF IT?
- MR. WOODMAN, YOU'RE
SO MUCH BETTER AT THAT.
YOU'VE GOT A WAY WITH MICE.
- BEAUREGARD, YOU'RE IN CHARGE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE MICE.
YOU WATCH THE RATS.
- CLASS DISMISSED.
- HEY, LITTLE JUAN,
DON'T FEEL SO BAD.
LOOK, MY FRIEND MARY
JOHNSON IS THE EDITOR
OF "THE BUCHANAN BUGLE."
MAYBE I CAN PULL SOME STRINGS
AND SHE COULD DO
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
- LIKE GET YOU OFF IT.
- I JUST MIGHT SURPRISE YOU GUYS
AND TURN THAT
NEWSPAPER INTO SOMETHING.
- HEY, YOU WOULDN'T SURPRISE ME.
YOU ALREADY TURNED THAT
PROJECTOR INTO A MIXMASTER.
- C'MON, C'MON, I'M WORKING
WITH INFERIOR EQUIPMENT HERE.
- YEAH. YOUR HANDS
AND YOUR BRAIN.
- JUAN.
- WHAT?
- LET ME FILL YOU IN
WITH SOMETHING, OKAY?
THERE'S ONLY ONE PAPER
IN THIS WHOLE COUNTRY
THAT'S WORTH READING.
AND THAT'S THIS RIGHT
HERE, "THE NATIONAL INSIDER."
- YEAH, I READ THAT EVERY DAY.
- HEY, MURRAY.
IT ONLY COMES OUT ONCE A WEEK.
- HEY, I'M A SLOW READER.
- OH, MURRAY, IF YOU EVER
DONATE YOUR BRAIN TO SCIENCE,
PUT A LITTLE NOTE ON IT
SO THEY KNOW WHAT IT IS.
- HEY, CARVELLI, MAN,
THAT PAPER THERE, MAN,
THAT "INSIDER,"
THAT'S JUNK, MAN.
THAT'S TRASH.
- WHAT? ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?
WHERE DO YOU SEE
HEADLINES LIKE THIS?
LOOK AT THIS.
"THREE-HEADED COW
SURVIVES ELEVATOR FALL."
- WHO CARES ABOUT
A THREE-HEADED COW?
- A THREE-HEADED BULL.
- ALL RIGHT, ARNOLD. HERE'S
SOMETHING FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
LOOK AT THIS.
- WHAT?
- "BURT REYNOLDS REVEALS
SECRET SEX APPEAL DIET.
LOOK AT THAT."
- OH, LET ME SEE THIS.
HEY, THIS IS WHAT I
HAD FOR BREAKFAST.
I'D BETTER GO HOME,
I MIGHT BE GETTING A
CALL FROM SALLY FIELD.
BYE NOW.
- GET BACK HERE. THIS
HERE'S MY CYCLOPEDIA.
THIS HAS GOT
EVERYTHING AND IT'S STUFF
THEY'RE AFRAID TO
PUT ON TELEVISION,
STORIES AND STUFF LIKE THAT.
- WELL, I FOR ONE
AM CERTAINLY GLAD
THAT "THE BUCHANAN
BUGLE" DOES NOT STOOP
TO THAT KIND OF
SHABBY REPORTING.
- MAYBE THAT'S THE
PROBLEM, ARNOLD.
THE "BUGLE" AIN'T TELLING
THE UNTOLD STORY.
LOOK AT THIS HERE, "SWISS
DOCTOR PROVES OSMOND FAMILY
CLONING SIX NEW BROTHERS."
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, MARY.
THAT STUFF YOU'RE
PRINTING IS DULL.
DULL, DULL, DULL.
Mary: WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
LAST WEEK WE HAD A MAP
OF THE SCHOOL FIRE EXITS.
- WHAT'S YOUR NEXT BIGGIE?
A TOUR THROUGH THE AIR DUCTS?
MARY, YOU AIN'T
DIGGING DEEP ENOUGH.
LIKE, LOOK AT THIS HERE.
THIS STORY YOU'RE DOING
ON MRS. KOTTER, RIGHT?
SAYS HERE, "SHE SAYS,
'MR. WOODMAN IS WARM
AND WONDERFUL.'"
HOW DOES SHE KNOW HE'S
WARM AND WONDERFUL, HUH?
- YOU'RE READING
TOO MUCH INTO IT.
- REALLY?
TO ME, "WARM" COVERS
A LOT OF TERRITORY.
OBVIOUSLY, MRS. KOTTER'S
GOT SOMETHING GOIN'
WITH THE OLD GRAY FOX.
- JUAN, MRS. KOTTER ISN'T
THAT KIND OF A PERSON.
- I'M TELLING YOU THAT THERE'S
AN UNTOLD STORY THERE.
- YOU THINK WE SHOULD
PRINT THOSE KIND OF STORIES?
- HEY, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, SUGARLIPS,
WITH MY IDEAS AND YOUR SPELLING,
WE'RE GONNA SET
THIS SCHOOL ON ITS EAR.
ALL RIGHT.
WHO DIED?
ALL RIGHT. WHO'S ABOUT TO DIE?
DID YOU HEAR THE
ONE ABOUT THE PRIEST
THAT OPENED A FISH
AND CHIPS PLACE?
CUSTOMER WALKS IN AND
HE LOOKS AT HIM AND HE SAYS,
"ARE YOU THE FISH FRYER?
"HE SAYS, "NO, I'M
THE CHIPMUNK."
YOU KNOW, IT MAY BE HARD
FOR YOU GUYS TO BELIEVE THIS
BUT SOMETIMES THAT
JOKE DOES NOT GET A LAUGH.
"BASKETBALL STAR
STOPS WEARING DIAPERS.
MOTHER ADMITS FREDDIE
"BOOM BOOM" WASHINGTON
WAS BIG LAUNDRY PROBLEM."
"SOUTHERN SWEATHOG,
BEAU DE LABARRE,
ADMITS HE HAS KLAN TIES."
- MRS. KOTTER, I'M
NOT IN THE KLAN.
I'M GONNA NEED A POLICE ESCORT
JUST TO GET HOME TONIGHT.
- JUAN CRUCIFIED
ME TOO, MRS. KOTTER.
HE SAID THAT MY PARENTS
ABANDONED ME IN A SUPERMARKET.
THEY LEFT ME IN A
SHOPPING CART SOMEWHERE
BETWEEN THE GORGONZOLA
AND THE KNACKWURST.
- WELL, I GUESS I BETTER
GO HAVE A TALK WITH JUAN.
- NAH, NAH, MRS. KOTTER,
YOU GOTTA DO MORE
THAN TALK TO JUAN.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU GOTTA DO?
YOU GOTTA GET
HIM OFF THAT PAPER.
- OH, FREDDIE, I DON'T
THINK IT'S THAT SERIOUS.
- WELL, WAIT 'TIL YOU
READ THE UNTOLD STORY
ABOUT YOU AND MR. WOODMAN.
- PAGE 2.
- CATCH THE LAST LINE.
- "AS HE MOVED CLOSER TO JULIE,
HER BREATH CAME IN SHORT PANTS.
'OH, MICHAEL, WARM, WONDERFUL
MICHAEL, ' JULIE SIGHED.
WITHOUT HESITATION,
MICHAEL REACHED FOR HERó
TO BE CONTINUED NEXT WEEK."
- COME IN.
I'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.
- I GUESS I KNOW
WHY WE'RE ALL HERE.
THEN AGAIN, WHY
DON'T YOU JUST TELL US
WHY WE'RE ALL HERE?
- FREDDIE'S IN DIAPERS.
BEAU IS IN THE KLAN.
MRS. KOTTER'S IN LOVE WITH ME.
TWO OF THOSE STORIES
ARE TOTALLY UNBELIEVABLE.
- IT'S PRETTY TAME STUFF.
WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE
NEXT WEEK'S PAPER.
- THERE'S NOT GONNA BE
ANOTHER ISSUE LIKE THIS, EPSTEIN.
THIS IS JUNK JOURNALISM.
- JUNK?
YOU'RE CALLING THE TRUTH "JUNK"?
LOOK, YOU CAN'T TELL ME
FREDDIE DIDN'T WEAR DIAPERS.
I KNOW HE DID.
- YEAH, WHEN HE WAS
ONLY 6 MONTHS OLD.
- WELL...
- I WORE DIAPERS MYSELF
WHEN I WAS THAT AGE.
PUT THAT NOTEBOOK AWAY.
- NOW, LOOK, MR. WOODMAN.
SOMETIMES YOU JUST GOTTA GO
BACK TO GET A STORY, RIGHT, MARY?
- RIGHT. GOTTA GO BACK.
- THIS ARTICLE, "DE
LABARRE HAS KLAN TIES."
I DIDN'T READ ANYTHING
ABOUT ANY KLAN TIES.
- C'MON, GIVE ME A
BREAK HERE, HUH?
THIS IS A MISPRINT.
SUPPOSED TO READ "DE
LABARRE HAS CLEAN TIES."
- MR. WOODMAN, THE LAB
MICE ARE LOOSE AGAIN.
LET'S GO.
- NOT NOW, JULIE, THIS
IS MORE IMPORTANT.
I'M TAKING JUAN OFF
THE SCHOOL PAPER.
- WHAT?
- DON'T LET HIM, MRS. KOTTER.
HE'S TAMPERING WITH
FREEDOM OF THE PRESS.
- UH, WELL, MARY, YOU HAVE
TO ADMIT THAT THAT ARTICLE
ABOUT MR. WOODMAN
AND I WAS VERY TACKY.
- JULIE'S NOT MY
TYPE. SHE'S TOO TALL.
- LOOK, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU YANK ME OFF THAT PAPER,
YOU'RE GONNA LOSE A GREAT
DEAL OF ADVERTISING RETINUE.
- WE'RE SHOWING A
PROFIT, MR. WOODMAN.
THE PAPER CLEARED
OVER $300 THIS WEEK.
- THAT IS NO EXCUSE FOR THE
GOSSIP AND ALL THAT TRASH.
- I GOT THE FIGURES
IN MY OFFICE.
NEXT WEEK, I'M
PROJECTING 500 BUCKS.
- FIVE HUNDRED B... B... BUCKS?
- JUAN, I THINK THAT YOU'RE
FORGETTING WHAT'S IMPORTANT.
- SO ARE YOU, JULIE.
GO CATCH THE MICE.
THESE KIDS HAVE A
PAPER TO PUT OUT.
- UH, MAY I?
- MAY I?
THANK YOU.
- THAT'S A GOOD WAY FOR YOU GUYS
TO GET YOUR TEETH
EXTRACTED FOR NOTHING.
- YEAH? WELL, IF I WAS YOU,
I'D START WORRYING ABOUT YOU.
- C'MON, C'MON, FREDDIE,
WHAT'S GOT YOUR NOSE
ALL OUT OF JOINT HERE?
- WHAT'S GOT MY
NOSE ALL OUT OF JOINT?
I'M A SHOW YOU WHAT IT IS.
THIS RIGHT HERE,
THIS WEEK'S ISSUE,
IS WHAT GOT ME GOIN' CRAZY.
- THERE AIN'T NOTHING
INFLAMMABLE ABOUT YOU
IN HERE, FREDDIE.
- THAT'S THE WHOLE
PROBLEM, JUAN.
YOU GOT THE ENTIRE
SCHOOL STILL THINKING
THAT I WEAR DIAPERS.
YOU GOT TO PRINT
A RETRACTION, MAN.
- LOOKS LIKE YOU GUYS
GOT TROUBLES, HUH?
- I ASSUME THAT
THIS IS YOUR STORY,
"BACKSTAGE AT BUCHANAN"?
- I THINK THE PEOPLE
HAVE THE RIGHTS TO KNOW
WHAT GOES ON BEHIND
THE FOOTLIGHTS, ARNOLD.
- HOW COULD YOU
ACCUSE ME OF HOLDING UP
THE OPENING NIGHT CURTAIN?
- I WAS THERE, ARNOLD.
YOU WERE 10 MINUTES LATE.
- WELL, I HAD TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM.
- I SAW THE PLAY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE STAYED THERE.
- AND THEN YOU
SAY THAT I, I, THAT I,
I, HAVE A TEMPER TANTRUM.
I DO NOT HAVE TEMPER TANTRUMS!
I DON'T! I NEVER HAVE
TEMPER TANTRUMS.
YOU SAID I WAS YELLING
AND I WAS FUSSING.
NEVER! NEVER, MISTER, I
NEVER YELL AND I NEVER FUSS.
- YOU MOSTLY SCREAM.
- YEAH? WELL, YOU WOULD
TOO IF THE STAGE MANAGER
PUT A LIT CIGAR IN
YOUR SUIT OF ARMOR.
- C'MON, YOU GUYS,
HUH? KNOCK IT OFF.
YOU'RE TAKING THIS
WAY TOO PERSONAL.
THERE'S A DIFFERENCE HERE
BETWEEN FRIENDSHIP AND BUSINESS.
YOU GUYS ARE JUST GONNA HAVE TO
DEVELOP A DETACHED ALTITUDE.
- OH YEAH? WE'LL, WE'RE
DETACHING OURSELVES
FROM YOU RIGHT NOW.
'CAUSE I THINK YOUR HEAD IS
GETTING TOO BIG FOR YOUR HAIR.
- YOU'RE SO TWISTED, YOU
SHOULD MODEL PRETZELS.
- GOODBYE, LITTLE JUAN.
YOU KNOW, YOU HAVE REALLY
TURNED INTO A 24-KARAT CREEP.
AND YOU CAN QUOTE ME.
- IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE SAME THING
HAPPENED TO CITIZEN KANE.
HELLO, MARY.
LOOK, I WANT YOU TO COVER
THAT GIRLS' BASKETBALL GAME.
I WANT MORE THAN JUST THE SCORE.
I WANT LOCKER ROOM TALK.
I WANT TO BE ABLE
TO SMELL THAT SWEAT.
- GOTCHA.
- WELL, WELL, WELL.
JUAN EPSTEIN.
CUB REPORTER.
- C'MON, CARVELLI, COME
BACK LATER, I'M BUSY.
- YEAH? YOU'RE TOO BUSY FOR
WHAT I CALL A SCOOP HEADLINE?
- AYE, SPILL IT.
- ALL RIGHT. DIG THIS.
SCHOOL MASCOT KIDNAPPED.
- WHEN?
- TOMORROW NIGHT.
- I TOLD YOU GUYS DON'T
MAKE UP YOUR OWN STORY.
I TOLD YOU TO GET THE LOWDOWN
ON THE SCHOOL CROSSING GUY.
- WHY? SHE AIN'T BEEN
HIT BY A CAR IN 2 WEEKS.
- I TELL YOU, THERE'S
STILL A STORY THERE.
- YEAH, YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
EPSTEIN, I THINK I GOT IT.
LISTEN TO THIS.
WE'LL TAKE HER SIGN AWAY
AND SEE IF SHE CAN
STOP CARS THEN, HUH?
LOOK, EPSTEIN, WHAT
ABOUT MY EXPENSE ACCOUNT?
YOU KNOW, I GOT
A LOT OF EXPENSES.
- C'MON, CARVELLI, BLOW, BLOW.
- YEAH.
- C'MON, MURRAY.
HEY, MURRAY, MURRAY.
MURRAY, C'MON,
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A GOOD THING
HE DIDN'T TELL YOU TO SPLIT.
- I THOUGHT I TOLD
YOU GUYS TO SPL-
- WHAT'S HAPPENING,
MAN? HOW YOU FEELING?
I GOT SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU, MAN.
IT'S PRETTY GOOD.
- LOOK, IF YOU CAME HERE
TO HECKLE ME, FREDDIE,
YOU CAN JUST FORGET IT.
- OH, NO, IT AIN'T THAT, MAN. I
GOT SOME INFORMATION, MAN.
IT MIGHT TURN INTO A HOT STORY.
- YEAH? WHAT IS IT?
- YOU KNOW THEM CATS,
THE BENDOFFO BROTHERS?
- YEAH, YEAH, BONZO AND BRUNO.
WHO'D THEY BUST UP NOW?
- NOBODY YET BUT
GET READY FOR THIS.
YOU READY?
- YEAH.
- SOMEBODY MADE A
PASS AT THEIR SISTER.
OH-HO-HO-HOHH.
- SOMEBODY MADE
A PASS AT BONITA?
- RIGHT.
- THIS IS GREAT. THIS
GONNA BE A GREAT STORY.
LET'S SEE, THE LAST
GUY TO DO THAT
WAS THE CAPTAIN OF THE
FOOTBALL TEAM, CRASH KAWALSKI.
- YEAH.
- HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO HIM?
- UH, THE LAST I HEARD HE
WAS BACK ON SOLID FOODS.
- THIS IS GREAT,
FREDDIE, THIS IS GOLD.
THIS IS FRONT-PAGE STUFF.
Freddie: TELL ME ABOUT IT.
- ALL RIGHT, SLING THE MUD.
WHO WAS HE?
- UH, ARNOLD TOLD ME IT WAS YOU.
- ME?
Freddie: YEAH.
- MUST BE SOME
MISTAKE. THAT'S NOT TRUE.
I CAN'T PRINT THAT.
- JUAN, THAT IS TOO TRUE.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU WAS OUT
AND YOU WAS PLAYING
IN THE SCHOOLYARD,
YOU WAS PLAYING BASKETBALL
IN THE SCHOOLYARD?
- YEAH.
- AND YOU TOOK THE BALL
AND YOU THREW IT TO
HER AND SHE CAUGHT IT?
- YEAH, YEAH.
- WELL, THAT'S WHAT
ARNOLD TOLD 'EM.
YOU MADE A PASS AT HER.
- FREDDIE, I CAN GET KILLED.
I MEAN, DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY
I WAS JUST FOOLING
AROUND WITH A BASKETBALL?
- OH, YEAH, I TOLD 'EM THAT.
I TOLD 'EM YOU WAS
FOOLING AROUND WITH HER.
- BASKETBALL.
DIDN'T ANYBODY SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE BASKETBALL?
- WELL, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
BEAU TOOK CARE OF THAT.
HE SAYS YOU AND
BONITA HAD A BALL.
- FREDDIE!
FREDDIE, I CAN GET KILLED
FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS.
I MEAN, THE BENDOFFOS,
THEY'RE LIABLE JUST
TO RIP OFF MY HEAD.
YOU GOT TO DO
SOMETHING, FREDDIE.
I MEAN, YOU GOT TO TELL
'EM THAT THAT WASN'T TRUE.
THERE'S GOT TO BE SOME
KIND OF MISTAKE HERE.
IT'S THEM. IT'S THEM,
IT'S THE BENDOFFOS.
FREDDIE, LOOK, I
NEVER ASKED FOR THIS.
YOU'VE JUST GOT TO HELP
ME, JUST THIS ONE TIME.
- WELL, WHAT CAN I DO, JUAN?
WHAT CAN I DO?
- TELL 'EM ANYTHING.
TELL 'EM I'D RATHER DIE THAN
GO OUT WITH THEIR SISTER.
- ALL RIGHT, JUAN.
I'M GONNA TELL THE
BENDOFFO BROTHERS
THAT JUAN EPSTEIN
SAYS, "HE'S READY TO DIE."
- SOóAIN'T YOU GONNA ASK US IN?
- WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
YOU AIN'T THE BENDOFFOS.
- NO, WE'RE HERE
FOR THE SAME REASON.
POUND SOME SENSE INTO YOUR HEAD.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOTTA STOP WRITING
ALL OF THESE HALF TRUTHS,
THESE INNUENDOES, ALL
THIS SENSATIONALISM, JUAN.
- THAT'S TRUE, JUAN.
ALL THAT STUFF
YOU'RE PRINTING, MAN,
IT CAN DO A LOT OF PEOPLE HARM,
CAUSE A LOT OF PEOPLE TROUBLE.
- SO YOU GUYS DIDN'T SAY
ANYTHING TO THE BENDOFFOS?
- NO.
HEY, REAL FRIENDS WOULDN'T
DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
- YEAH, NOT REAL FRIENDS.
- BUT I GUESS AN
EX-FRIEND WOULD.
- SEE YOU AROUND.
- THE POINT I AM TRYING
TO MAKE IS THAT HISTORY
IS FILLED WITH
INACCURATE REPORTING.
- THEN HOW COME
WE HAVE TO LEARN IT?
- PAPERS, PAPERS,
READ ALL ABOUT IT.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN
NEWS, WEATHER AND SPORTS.
- YEAH, THERE'S
CLASS WORK, EPSTEIN.
SIT DOWN.
- I'M SORRY, MR. WOODMAN,
I HAD TO GET OUT
THE BULLDOG EDITION HERE.
- UNBELIEVABLE.
- SENSATIONAL.
- EPSTEIN EXPOSES HIMSELF.
- "AT THE TENDER AGE OF
4, A RAGTAG JUAN EPSTEIN
BEGAN HIS LIFE OF CRIME
BY STEALING THE HUBCABS
OFF HIS OWN BABY CARRIAGE."
- "AT THE AGE OF 12, HE
HOTWIRED A SUBWAY CAR
AND COLLECTED FARES FOR 3 DAYS."
- IT SAYS, "LATER, JUAN
FAILED AT MANY JOBS.
AS A PARKING LOT ATTENDANT,
HE LOST MORE CARS
THAN HE PARKED."
IT ALSO SAID, "JUAN WAS
DISMISSED AS A LIFEGUARD
FOR TRYING TO
START A NUDE BEACH."
HEY, OH, JUAN, I
GUESS OUR LITTLE TALK
DID YOU SOME GOOD, HUH?
- C'MON, C'MON, YOU GUYS,
DON'T FLATTER YOURSELVES, HUH?
I WANTED TO GO OUT OF
THIS NEWSPAPER BUSINESS
IN A BLAZE OF GLORY.
- THIS CENTERFOLD IS DISGUSTING.
- IT'S THE ONLY PICTURE I
COULD FIND OF MR. WOODMAN.
- WHAT?
AHH.
LOOK AT THOSE DIMPLES.
- EH, WHAT'S HAPPENING,
MR. WOODMAN?
- HI, MR. WOODMAN.
- TAKE YOUR SEATS,
WILL YOU PLEASE?
- RIGHT ON.
HEY, JUAN.
HEARD YOU GOT YOUR
OLD JOB BACK, BABY.
- YEAH, YEAH, YOU CAN'T KEEP
ME AWAY FROM FILM, YOU KNOW?
I'M JUST A
16-MILLIMETER KINDA GUY.
- YOU MEAN WOODMAN GAVE
YOU YOUR OLD JOB BACK?
- OH, YEAH, YEAH,
SURE, HE SAW THE LIGHT.
- I THINK THE QUESTION IS,
IS HE GONNA SEE THE FILM?
- IS IT GONNA WORK
RIGHT THIS TIME, EPSTEIN?
- OH, SURE, SURE, I
CHECKED THE SPROCKETS,
I CHECKED THE REEL,
I CHECKED THE PLUG.
WHAT CAN GO WRONG?
- THE SPROCKETS, THE
REEL AND THE PLUG.
- WATCH THIS HERE.
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ACTION.
THERE IT IS, IT'S PERFECT.
Freddie: HEY, JUAN?
Juan: YEAH. WHAT?
- JUAN, I DON'T WANT
TO SAY ANYTHING
ABOUT THE MOVIE BUSINESS
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU
KNOW ALL ABOUT FILM AND STUFF.
- SURE, SURE.
- BUT DON'T YOU THINK
IT'D BE A LOT EASIER
IF THERE WAS A SCREEN UP THERE?
- ALL RIGHT, GO EASY, HUH?
THE KID'S GONNA
FIX THAT RIGHT NOW.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOU ALWAYS COULD... ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW IT MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A
SCENE YOU WERE TURNING IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHAT COULD EVER LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT... ♪