Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 9 - A Novel Idea - full transcript
JULIE, ONE TIME,
MY UNCLE EDMOND,
HE'S ON A PLANE, RIGHT?
HE SITS DOWN AND NEXT TO
HIM ON THE AISLE IS THIS BIG GUY,
ABOUT SIX FOOT, SEVEN.
THE BIG GUY SITS DOWN THERE
AND GOES RIGHT TO SLEEP.
SO, MY UNCLE EDMOND,
RIGHT, HE'S HAVING LUNCH.
HE'S GOT HIS TRAY TABLE UP
THERE AND HE'S HAVING LUNCH
AND THE BIG GUY'S NEXT TO HIM...
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
SOME TURBULENCE HAPPENS
AND THE WHOLE TRAY
TABLE FALLS ON THE BIG GUY.
YEAH?
'BOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER,
THE BIG GUY WAKES UP,
SEES ALL THIS, HE
SAYS, "WHAT HAPPENED?"
MY UNCLE EDMOND SAYS,
"MISTER, YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
COMING!
♪ HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO ♪♪
HELLO.
HELLO.
ARE YOU THE LADY WHO
ORDERED THE TOTEM POLE?
COME ON IN, GUYS.
HOW YOU DOIN', MRS. KOTTER.
LOOK, WE JUST CAME
BY TO SEE IF MR. KOTTER
WAS GONNA COME TO
SCHOOL OR NOT TOMORROW.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE LIKE IF HE ISN'T,
WE BETTER UNTIE THE SUBSTITUTE.
OH, GOLLY, YOU
SHOULDN'T OF DONE THAT.
YOU KNOW SOMETHIN',
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE SHOULD'VE TIED UP WOODMAN.
HE'S BEEN ACTIN' VERY WEIRD
LATELY, EVEN FOR WOODMAN.
WELL, LOOK, GABE'S
GONNA BE BACK ON SUNDAY.
HE CALLED, HIS FATHER'S
APPENDECTOMY WENT FINE.
HE'S ALREADY COMPLAINING ABOUT
THE SCRAMBLED EGGS AND JELL-O.
AH, WELL, YOU SEE, THERE'S
A REASON WHY HOSPITALS
ONLY SERVE SOFT FOOD.
SO THAT WHEN YOU
THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT DON'T HURT NOBODY.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, HOW COME
THEY TOOK OUT HIS APPENDIX.
I MEAN COULDN'T THEY
JUST PUT A CAST ON IT?
HEY, WHAT IS THERE
HERE YOU'RE EATIN'?
THIS LETTUCE AND CARROTS
AND COTTAGE CHEESE,
THAT'S RABBIT FOOD.
WELL, WHEN GABE'S
AWAY, I DON'T COOK MUCH.
SEE THAT, SHE DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.
THAT FOOD IS TERRIBLE,
I'M GONNA GO OUT
AND GET YOU AND THE
BABIES AN ANCHOVY PIZZA.
UM, VINNIE,
BABIES DON'T EAT ANCHOVY PIZZAS.
WELL, HOW 'BOUT A MUSHROOM ONE?
HEY, MRS. KOTTER,
BETTER THAN THAT,
YOU GET THE BABIES A HALF
PEPPERONI, HALF PABULUM,
NO PROBLEM.
SEE YOU LATER, MRS.
KOTTER, WE'LL BE BACK.
MRS. KOTTER'S GOT A
MALE VISITOR, THE WEIRDO.
HI, MR. WOODMAN, COME ON IN.
JULIE, THERE'S A LITTLE COTTAGE
CHEESE ON YOUR UPPER LIP.
MR. WOODMAN, HOW SWEET,
DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY
ACROSS TOWN JUST
TO TELL ME THAT?
NO, NO, HOW DID I KNOW YOU'D
BE EATING COTTAGE CHEESE?
CAN I COME IN?
SURE, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
JULIE, I'M SITTING
ON A TIME BOMB.
SIT ON THE COUCH, IT'S
MORE COMFORTABLE.
I'VE WRITTEN A NOVEL.
IT'S A BEHIND-THE-SCENES ACCOUNT
OF THE DAY-TO-DAY STRUGGLES
OF A GREAT ADMINISTRATOR.
THE SWAMP RATS OF SAVANNAH?
SAYS IT ALL, DOESN'T IT?
IT TAKES PLACE DURING THE
CIVIL WAR AT APPLEGATE HALL,
FINEST PRIVATE BOYS
SCHOOL IN THE SOUTH.
OH, I SEE, YOU WROTE
ABOUT BUCHANAN.
SHH, IF ANYONE KNOWS I'M
DOING THIS SENSATIONAL EXPOSE,
THEY'LL TRY TO STOP IT
BEFORE IT'S PUBLISHED.
NOW, FORGET BUCHANAN,
THINK APPLEGATE.
ANYWAY, THERE ARE THESE FOUR
INCORRIGIBLE, DISGUSTING LADS.
THE SWEATHOGS.
NO, NO, THE SWAMP RATS.
NO RELATION TO THE SWEATHOGS.
NO, NO, THESE BOYS ARE
RICH, I MEAN THEY'RE DRIPPING
IN MONEY, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S CONFEDERATE.
NOW, NOW THEIR TEACHER IS
A DESERTER FROM THE ARMY,
WHO GROWS A MUSTACHE
TO HIDE HIS IDENTITY.
YOU MADE GABE A DESERTER?
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
GABE, THE TEACHER'S NAME
IS GAYLORD TEESDALE.
HE'S A YELLOW-BELLIED TURNCOAT.
I TAKE IT HE'S NOT THE HERO.
OF COURSE NOT, THE
HERO IS THE HEADMASTER,
BEAUREGARD RAVENNA.
I CALL HIM THE
SILVER-HAIRED FOX.
YOU GET IT, SILVER,
GREY, CONFEDERATE?
IT ALL TIES TOGETHER, YOU SEE.
MR. WOODMAN, DO YOU REALLY
THINK THAT A BOOK ABOUT
A SOUTHERN BOYS
SCHOOL IS GONNA SELL?
YOU THINK I CARE IF IT SELLS?
I MEAN THIS IS ART, JULIE!
THIS WAS A STORY THAT
WAS BURNING INSIDE OF ME
AND HAD TO GET OUT!
ALL RIGHT, MR. WOODMAN,
IT'S OUT, IT'S OUT.
CALM DOWN, OKAY NOW,
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
ALL RIGHT, I'D LIKE
YOU TO READ IT.
I... I NEED AN HONEST OPINION.
OKAY, I WOULD BE
GLAD TO READ IT.
DO IT.
YOU WANT ME TO READ IT NOW?
I'VE GOTTA GET YOUR REACTION
TO BEAUREGARD RAVENNA.
YOU SEE, HE COMES
IN ON PAGE FOUR,
I MAY HAVE TO
BRING HIM IN EARLIER.
WOULD YOU READ IT, GO AHEAD.
OKAY NOW, WE'RE PAGE FOUR?
PAGE FOUR.
OKAY.
"DAWN CAME OVER THE DELTA.
THE AMBER RAYS OF THE
MORNING SUN FINGERED THEIR WAY
PAST THE COTTONWOODS
AND INTO THE SWAMP.
THERE TO SILENCE THE
LAMENT OF THE LOONS."
I LOVE LOONS.
SONGBIRDS OF THE SWAMP.
GO AHEAD, READ.
"THE FAT FROGS THREW
OFF THEIR MANTLE OF SLEEP
AND BEGAN PLOP-PLOPPING
INTO THE BRACKISH WATER."
REMEMBER THAT BRACKISH
WATER, I DO A PLAYBACK
ON THAT AT THE END.
- NOW, YOU SEE, JULIA LUH...
- JULIE LUH?
JULIE LUH, SHE'S THE
BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG WIFE
OF THE TEACHER DESERTER.
OH, I SEE, AND SHE RUNS OFF
WITH THE SILVER-HAIRED FOX?
OH, NO, SHE TRIES TO
BUT BEAUREGARD RAVENNA
IS NOT THE KIND OF PERSON
THAT WOULD RUN AWAY
WITH ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE.
WHAT A GUY, HE SENDS
HER BACK TO THE DESERTER?
HERE, LET ME READ THE END.
LOOK AT THIS, ADDS
THE BRACKISH WATER.
UH-HUH, BRACKISH WATER.
"LOOKED, LOOKED AT JULIE
LUH'S HEELS, SHE ETCHED
HER SUICIDE MESSAGE
INTO THE QUICKSAND
WITH A COTTONWOOD BRANCH.
BEAUREGARD,
BEAUREGARD, BEAUREGARD,
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE
YOU, I LOVE YOU,
GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE."
SHE DIES.
WELL, WE FIND OUT IN THE SEQUEL
THAT HER HOOP SKIRT
SNAGS ON A JOTTING ROOT.
PIZZA TIME!
JULIE, DID YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT GETTING A COUPLE
DOBERMAN PINSCHERS
FOR OCCASIONS LIKE THIS?
OH, MR. WOODMAN,
ARE YOU STILL HERE?
DON'T YOU HAVE TO
BRING YOUR PET SPIDER
TO OBEDIENCE CLASS?
NOW, HORSHACK,
MR. WOODMAN JUST CAME OVER
TO SHOW ME HIS NOVEL.
OH, YEAH, LET'S SEE,
LET'S CHECK IT OUT.
HEY!
"SWAMP RATS OF SAVANNAH."
WHAT'S IN THIS BOOK,
BILLY CARTER'S DRINKIN' BUDDIES?
HEY, LET ME SEE, LET
ME SEE, LET ME SEE.
HEY, HEY, LISTEN TO THIS.
"YOUNG MASTER KLOBERINO..."
BOY, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
"WAS CAUGHT IN THE SMOKE HOUSE,
HIS FACE SMEARED WITH
BARBEQUED LIVERWURST."
HEY, VINNIE, I THINK HE
WROTE THAT BOOK ABOUT YOU.
HERE, CHECK IT OUT, LOOK
AT THIS, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
ALL OF US IS INSIDE
THIS BOOK, LOOK.
THERE'S WARPSTEIN.
IT GOT THORSHACK.
IT GOT BALTIMORE.
BALTIMORE?
THAT'S CLOSE TO WASHINGTON.
ALL RIGHT, SO IT IS
BASED LOOSELY ON YOU.
YEAH, BUT THAT DON'T GIVE
YOU THE RIGHT TO SMEAR
LIVERWURST ALL OVER MY FACE.
I'M A WRITER, I
WRITE LIKE I SEE IT.
YEAH, BUT, UM, MR. WOODMAN,
YOU GOT US HERE
CHALLENGIN' THE CHURCH
CHOIR TO A RUMBLE.
I MEAN WE DON'T
DO STUFF LIKE THAT,
I MEAN WE NEVER HURT NOBODY.
OH, YEAH, READ CHAPTER SIX,
WHERE THE SWAMP RATS SET FIRE
TO EVERY COTTON
FIELD IN THE COUNTY.
FOR THREE MONTHS,
ROBERT E. LEE AND HIS MEN
COULDN'T FIND Q-TIPS.
IF THEY WANTED COTTON,
ALL THEY HAD TO DO
WAS OPEN THEIR ASPIRIN BOTTLES.
GUYS, JUST LOOK
AT THE BRIGHT SIDE,
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T BLAME
THE CIVIL WAR ON YOU.
HO, YES HE DO, CHECK
IT OUT, RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE, IN
CHAPTER EIGHT, IT SAYS
WE FIRED ON FORT SUMTER.
WE CAN'T LET HIM DO THAT TO US.
WE WON'T, GENTLEMEN,
WOODMAN WANTS WAR,
THEN WAR IT IS.
RIGHT!
NOW, GUYS, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO, COME ON?
GUYS?
GUYS?
OH, COME ON, GUYS,
THE CIVIL WAR IS OVER,
YOUR REGIMENT NEEDS YOU.
GUYS?
♪
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- RIGHT ON!
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- CORNBREAD!
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- PEAS AND RICE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!
THROW YOUR SIGNS
IN THE SHREDDERS.
DEMONSTRATION'S OVER.
WELL, BEAUREGARD RAVENNA,
DID YOU DROP BY TO
COUNT YOUR SLAVES?
AFTER WHAT YOU DID
TO THE SUBSTITUTE,
I'M TAKING OVER?
OH, WHAT'D WE DO
THAT WAS SO BAD?
YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,
IN THE CAFETERIA,
STRAPPING TRAYS TO HIS FEET.
AND MAKING HIM STAMP THE LUMPS
OUT OF THE MASHED POTATOES.
YEAH, ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHIN'.
TURNS OUT THE LUMPS
WAS IN THE GRAVY.
HOW'D YOU LIKE OUR
LITTLE PROTEST, HERE?
- YEAH.
- I LOVED IT.
WE AUTHORS THRIVE
ON CONTROVERSY.
IT'S GOOD FOR SALES.
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHIN', MR. WOODMAN,
THE WHOLE SCHOOL IS BEHIND US.
YEAH!
I MEAN EVERYWHERE YOU GO,
YOU'RE GONNA BE BADGERED.
- YOU'RE GONNA BE BROWBEATEN.
- OH, YEAH!
AND YOU'RE GONNA
BE BADMOUTHED, YES.
MR. WOODMAN, IF YOU
PUBLISH THAT BOOK,
YOU ARE GONNA HAVE ANGRY
PICKETERS ALL AROUND YOUR HOUSE,
NIGHT AND DAY.
SO WHAT, IT'S BEEN
GOING ON FOR YEARS.
I REMODELED MY
KITCHEN WITH BRICKS THAT
WERE THROWN THROUGH MY WINDOW.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU BETTER
NOT MAKE LIGHT OF THIS.
THAT BOOK OF YOURS IS
AN INSULT TO THE SWEATHOG.
IT IS A GROSS
DISTORTION OF THE TRUTH.
TRUTH?
WHAT IS TRUTH?
VINCENT, DON'T START.
IT'S TRUE, I'VE BEEN THINKIN'
ABOUT IT LATELY A LOT.
I THINK, "WHAT IS THE TRUTH."
RIGHT, I WENT OUT, I
WENT OUT WITH DELORIS
TO THE DRIVE-IN, RIGHT.
AND I SAID TO HER,
I SAID, UM, I SAID,
"DELORIS, WHAT IS THE TRUTH?"
AND SHE SAID, "VINNIE, GO
GET ME SOME FRENCH FRIES."
I SAID, "OKAY, BUT ANSWER ME
ONE THING, WHAT IS THE TRUTH?"
SHE SAID, "NEVER MIND, I'LL
GO GET THE FRENCH FRIES."
YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK
MAYBE I'M TOO DEEP FOR HER.
YOU KNOW, BARBARINO,
I'VE MET CABBAGE
DEEPER THAN YOU.
WHERE DOES THAT MAN GO AT NIGHT?
YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH,
READ SWAMP RATS OF SAVANNAH.
IT'S FILLED WITH THE
PROFOUND UNDERSTANDING
OF HUMAN NATURE.
OH, PROFOUND
UNDERSTANDING, I SEE.
LIKE IN THAT SCENE
AT THE OFFICER'S BALL.
A PERFECTLY HAPPY,
MARRIED WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE
WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER,
AND THEN, IN FRONT OF
A CROWD OF 300 GUESTS,
SHE DROPS TO HER KNEES
AND SHE LICKS HIS BOOTS.
AND ALL THIS AFTER
ONLY HAVING ONE MINUET.
SO, BEAUREGARD'S A GREAT DANCER.
THE SECRET'S IN THE DIP.
THAT BOGARD, THAT
BOGARD STORY IS SO STUPID.
I MEAN REMEMBER THAT
PART WHEN HE ASKS, HE SAYS,
"HEY, JULIE LUH, WOULD YOU
HAVE THIS MINUET WITH ME?"
HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE
NOT A YANKEE SPY?
BUT MADAM, I AM A
SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN.
YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY I
TORE OFF THE UNION LABELS
FROM MY CLOTHES.
COME AND DANCE.
♪
MY, MY, YOU DO
DANCE DIVINE, THERE.
OH, I BET YOU SAY
THAT TO EVERYBODY.
NO, NO, JUST THE MEN.
♪
WHY, BEAUREGARD, I DO
BELIEVE THEY ARE STARIN'.
THE REASON THAT THEY'RE STARIN'
IS BECAUSE THEY NEVER SEEN
SUCH BEAUTY.
YOU FLATTER ME.
I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT MYSELF.
♪
OH, BEAUREGARD, BEAUREGARD,
YOU HAVE STOLEN MY HEART.
COULD YOU RUN AWAY WITH
THE WIFE OF A YANKEE DESERTER
WITH A MUSTACHE?
OH, NO, 'CAUSE I HATE
WOMEN WITH MUSTACHES.
THEN I DO BELIEVE I'LL GO
THROW MYSELF IN THE SWAMP.
DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.
IF THAT WAS FOR MY
BENEFIT, IT WAS DISGUSTING.
GOOD, SO IS YOUR BOOK.
WELL, I'M NOT CHANGING
A WORD, IT'S PURE GOLD!
GENTLEMEN, THE TIME HAS COME
TO PUT DOWN OUR SWORDS
AND PICK UP OUR PENS!
RIGHT ON, YEAH, ALL RIGHT!
WE HAVE NO CHOICE, WE
MUST FIGHT INK WITH INK!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
♪
YEAH, HONEY, I MISS YOU, TOO.
UH-HUH, THE GIRLS ARE BEHAVING.
NO, THEY CAN'T
COME TO THE PHONE,
THEY'RE BUSY SETTING THEIR HAIR.
I'M GLAD YOUR FATHER'S OKAY.
YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, I'LL
SEE YOU SUNDAY, BYE-BYE.
SHH!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
MRS. KOTTER, WE'RE
SITTING ON A TIME BOMB.
THIS IS THE SECOND BOMB
SCARE WE'VE HAD HERE THIS WEEK.
WE'RE WRITTEN A NOVEL.
WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, RANDOM HOUSE?
COME ON, YOU GOTTA CHECK IT
OUT, LOOK AT IT, IT'S INCREDIBLE.
SENSATIONAL EXPOSE, THE
SCHOOL NEWSPAPER IS GONNA PRINT
THE FIRST CHAPTER ON FRIDAY.
UGH, I HOPE IT'S NOT
ANOTHER CIVIL WAR EPIC.
OH, NO, IT'S CALLED... ♪
THE SPACE HOGS... OF BUCHANIA.
OKAY.
OH, "DAWN CAME OVER THE GALAXY.
THE AMBER RAYS OF
THE MORNING COSMOS
SILENCED THE LAMENT
OF THE SPACE LOONS."
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT SO FAR?
LET ME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY,
IF YOU GUYS HAVE A JULIE
LUH DOING THE BACKSTROKE
THROUGH BRACKISH
WATERS, I'VE READ IT.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE,
WE JUST WROTE IT.
NOW, WAIT TILL YOU
GET TO THE ENDING HERE.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, THE
ENDING, THAT'S THE BEST PART,
YOU SEE, THAT'S
WHEN THE SPACE HOGS
DO BATTLE WITH THE
EVIL VICE TYRANT...
WOODNOSE.
DEMENTO.
ONE DAY, NEWS OF DEMENTO'S
EVIL REACHES THE ANTENNAE
OF THE MIGHTY SPACE HOG!
YEAH, THERE WAS FOUR OF 'EM.
THERE WAS FOUR OF 'EM.
THEY WERE BRAVE.
THEY WERE HANDSOME.
THEY WERE POWERFUL.
AND THEY WERE LACKING
IN HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMAS.
YOU GET IT, LACKING IN DIPLOMAS?
INTO THE VICE TYRANT'S LOUNGE,
THE MIGHTY SPACE HOGS BURST.
BURST.
QUARANTINE SPACE HOGS.
YOUR CORKING DAYS ARE OVER!
SHOUTED THE SPACE
HOGS AS THEY ZAPPED HIM
WITH THEIR SWEAT GUN.
I'M MELTING.
I'M MELTING ON MY
BEAUTIFUL, EVIL MAT.
- YOU KILLED HIM.
- YES!
WHAT?
I CAN'T... WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS A
PILE OF GREY-HAIRED YOGURT.
UNTIL...
UNTIL CHAPTER TWO,
WHEN HE RETURNED
AS A BOWL OF RICE PUDDING.
WHAT DID YOU THINK, MRS.
KOTTER, IT WAS TOO DEEP, HUH?
IT WAS TOO REAL...
REALITY, RIGHT?
YOU HAD ME UNTIL
THE RICE PUDDING.
I KNEW, I KNEW WE
SHOULDA MADE IT TAPIOCA.
I'LL GET IT.
IT'S THE DREADED DEMENTO!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
COME ON IN, MR. WOODMAN.
JULIE, HAVE YOU READ
THIS TRASH, THIS SLANDER?
MR. WOODMAN, I AM NOT TAKING
ANY MORE SUBMISSIONS THIS WEEK.
HOW DARE YOU CALL ME DEMENTO.
THIS IS ALL LIES.
I NEVER TOOK A METEORITE
SHOWER WITH AN ANDROID.
MR. WOODMAN, WE AIN'T NEVER
BURNED NO COTTON FIELDS
AND WE AIN'T NEVER
FIRED ON FORT SUMTER.
BUT YOU GOT MY HIJACKING
ALL THE GRAVITY IN THE UNIVERSE
AND HOLDING IT FOR RANSOM.
WELL, YOU HAVE US
CHALLENGING THE CHURCH CHOIR
TO A RUMBLE... AND LOSING.
OKAY, OKAY, THIS HAS REALLY
GONE FAR ENOUGH NOW, OKAY.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, GUYS,
THIS REMINDS ME OF A JOKE
THAT GABE ONCE TOLD TO ME.
NO, THIS IS A REAL FUNNY JOKE,
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
THERE ARE THESE TWO GUYS
AND THEY WERE BRAGGING
ABOUT THIS FISHING THAT THEY DID
AND THE ONE GUY
SAYS TO THE OTHER GUY,
"I CAUGHT A GOLDFISH
THAT WAS 400 POUNDS."
AND THE OTHER GUY
SAYS, "I CAUGHT A LANTERN
DATED 1492 AND THE
LIGHT WAS STILL BURNING."
SO, THE ONE GUY
SAYS TO THE OTHER,
"I TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL KNOCK
OFF A HUNDRED POUNDS
IF YOU BLOW OUT THE LIGHT."
IT HAS A POINT.
WELL, MAYBE I DID
EXAGGERATE A LITTLE.
MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T BURN
EVERY COTTON
FIELD IN THE COUNTY.
MR. WOODMAN JUST KNOCKED OFF
HIS HUNDRED POUNDS, NOW COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, SO MAYBE
YOU'RE NOT THE KIND OF GUY
THAT WOULD TAKE A
SHOWER WITH AN ANDROID.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
SHOW THE MAN A LITTLE
GOOD FAITH THERE, FREDDIE?
OKAY, MR. WOODMAN, YOU GOT IT.
WELL,
THIS IS THREE YEARS
HARD WORK, HOW CAN I JUST
TEAR IT UP?
MR. WOODMAN, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO TEAR IT UP.
JUST RE-WRITE IT A LITTLE.
YEAH, JUST TALK
ABOUT OUR OTHER SIDE.
HOW WE'RE KIND AND GENEROUS,
AND HOW WE ALWAYS HELP
AN UNDERPRIVILEGED WINO
CRAWL ACROSS THE STREET.
BUT I NEVER SEE THAT SIDE.
GIVE US A CHANCE TO SHOW YA.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT,
SIT DOWN OVER HERE.
COME ON, MR. WOODMAN.
NOW, DO YOU REMEMBER,
DO YOU REMEMBER THE PART
WHEN THE CHARACTER OF KLOBERINO,
WHEN HE GETS THE LIVERWURST
ON HIS FACE, REMEMBER THAT?
OF COURSE, IT'S A
LITERARY DELIGHT.
NO, I THINK IT SHOULD
BE PIZZA IN THE FACE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
NOW, GET YOUR PEN...
THEY WOULDN'T SERVE
PIZZA AT APPLEGATE HALL.
WELL, IT'S A START.
♪
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE
AWAY, HONEY, ROBIN DEMANDED
A CRIB WITH A BETTER VIEW.
I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE
RENTED THE PENTHOUSE SUITE.
I'M GLAD EVERYTHING'S
OKAY WITH YOUR DAD.
OH, YEAH, MY MOTHER WAS
KIND OF WORRIED FOR A SECOND.
SHE KEPT SAYING, "GABE,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO
WITHOUT YOUR FATHER,
I MEAN I COULDN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOUR FATHER,
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT WAS
IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪
MY UNCLE EDMOND,
HE'S ON A PLANE, RIGHT?
HE SITS DOWN AND NEXT TO
HIM ON THE AISLE IS THIS BIG GUY,
ABOUT SIX FOOT, SEVEN.
THE BIG GUY SITS DOWN THERE
AND GOES RIGHT TO SLEEP.
SO, MY UNCLE EDMOND,
RIGHT, HE'S HAVING LUNCH.
HE'S GOT HIS TRAY TABLE UP
THERE AND HE'S HAVING LUNCH
AND THE BIG GUY'S NEXT TO HIM...
AND ALL OF A SUDDEN,
SOME TURBULENCE HAPPENS
AND THE WHOLE TRAY
TABLE FALLS ON THE BIG GUY.
YEAH?
'BOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER,
THE BIG GUY WAKES UP,
SEES ALL THIS, HE
SAYS, "WHAT HAPPENED?"
MY UNCLE EDMOND SAYS,
"MISTER, YOU FEEL BETTER NOW?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
COMING!
♪ HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO ♪♪
HELLO.
HELLO.
ARE YOU THE LADY WHO
ORDERED THE TOTEM POLE?
COME ON IN, GUYS.
HOW YOU DOIN', MRS. KOTTER.
LOOK, WE JUST CAME
BY TO SEE IF MR. KOTTER
WAS GONNA COME TO
SCHOOL OR NOT TOMORROW.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
'CAUSE LIKE IF HE ISN'T,
WE BETTER UNTIE THE SUBSTITUTE.
OH, GOLLY, YOU
SHOULDN'T OF DONE THAT.
YOU KNOW SOMETHIN',
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WE SHOULD'VE TIED UP WOODMAN.
HE'S BEEN ACTIN' VERY WEIRD
LATELY, EVEN FOR WOODMAN.
WELL, LOOK, GABE'S
GONNA BE BACK ON SUNDAY.
HE CALLED, HIS FATHER'S
APPENDECTOMY WENT FINE.
HE'S ALREADY COMPLAINING ABOUT
THE SCRAMBLED EGGS AND JELL-O.
AH, WELL, YOU SEE, THERE'S
A REASON WHY HOSPITALS
ONLY SERVE SOFT FOOD.
SO THAT WHEN YOU
THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW
IT DON'T HURT NOBODY.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, HOW COME
THEY TOOK OUT HIS APPENDIX.
I MEAN COULDN'T THEY
JUST PUT A CAST ON IT?
HEY, WHAT IS THERE
HERE YOU'RE EATIN'?
THIS LETTUCE AND CARROTS
AND COTTAGE CHEESE,
THAT'S RABBIT FOOD.
WELL, WHEN GABE'S
AWAY, I DON'T COOK MUCH.
SEE THAT, SHE DON'T KNOW
HOW TO TAKE CARE OF HERSELF.
THAT FOOD IS TERRIBLE,
I'M GONNA GO OUT
AND GET YOU AND THE
BABIES AN ANCHOVY PIZZA.
UM, VINNIE,
BABIES DON'T EAT ANCHOVY PIZZAS.
WELL, HOW 'BOUT A MUSHROOM ONE?
HEY, MRS. KOTTER,
BETTER THAN THAT,
YOU GET THE BABIES A HALF
PEPPERONI, HALF PABULUM,
NO PROBLEM.
SEE YOU LATER, MRS.
KOTTER, WE'LL BE BACK.
MRS. KOTTER'S GOT A
MALE VISITOR, THE WEIRDO.
HI, MR. WOODMAN, COME ON IN.
JULIE, THERE'S A LITTLE COTTAGE
CHEESE ON YOUR UPPER LIP.
MR. WOODMAN, HOW SWEET,
DID YOU COME ALL THE WAY
ACROSS TOWN JUST
TO TELL ME THAT?
NO, NO, HOW DID I KNOW YOU'D
BE EATING COTTAGE CHEESE?
CAN I COME IN?
SURE, MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
JULIE, I'M SITTING
ON A TIME BOMB.
SIT ON THE COUCH, IT'S
MORE COMFORTABLE.
I'VE WRITTEN A NOVEL.
IT'S A BEHIND-THE-SCENES ACCOUNT
OF THE DAY-TO-DAY STRUGGLES
OF A GREAT ADMINISTRATOR.
THE SWAMP RATS OF SAVANNAH?
SAYS IT ALL, DOESN'T IT?
IT TAKES PLACE DURING THE
CIVIL WAR AT APPLEGATE HALL,
FINEST PRIVATE BOYS
SCHOOL IN THE SOUTH.
OH, I SEE, YOU WROTE
ABOUT BUCHANAN.
SHH, IF ANYONE KNOWS I'M
DOING THIS SENSATIONAL EXPOSE,
THEY'LL TRY TO STOP IT
BEFORE IT'S PUBLISHED.
NOW, FORGET BUCHANAN,
THINK APPLEGATE.
ANYWAY, THERE ARE THESE FOUR
INCORRIGIBLE, DISGUSTING LADS.
THE SWEATHOGS.
NO, NO, THE SWAMP RATS.
NO RELATION TO THE SWEATHOGS.
NO, NO, THESE BOYS ARE
RICH, I MEAN THEY'RE DRIPPING
IN MONEY, EVEN THOUGH
IT'S CONFEDERATE.
NOW, NOW THEIR TEACHER IS
A DESERTER FROM THE ARMY,
WHO GROWS A MUSTACHE
TO HIDE HIS IDENTITY.
YOU MADE GABE A DESERTER?
IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH
GABE, THE TEACHER'S NAME
IS GAYLORD TEESDALE.
HE'S A YELLOW-BELLIED TURNCOAT.
I TAKE IT HE'S NOT THE HERO.
OF COURSE NOT, THE
HERO IS THE HEADMASTER,
BEAUREGARD RAVENNA.
I CALL HIM THE
SILVER-HAIRED FOX.
YOU GET IT, SILVER,
GREY, CONFEDERATE?
IT ALL TIES TOGETHER, YOU SEE.
MR. WOODMAN, DO YOU REALLY
THINK THAT A BOOK ABOUT
A SOUTHERN BOYS
SCHOOL IS GONNA SELL?
YOU THINK I CARE IF IT SELLS?
I MEAN THIS IS ART, JULIE!
THIS WAS A STORY THAT
WAS BURNING INSIDE OF ME
AND HAD TO GET OUT!
ALL RIGHT, MR. WOODMAN,
IT'S OUT, IT'S OUT.
CALM DOWN, OKAY NOW,
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
ALL RIGHT, I'D LIKE
YOU TO READ IT.
I... I NEED AN HONEST OPINION.
OKAY, I WOULD BE
GLAD TO READ IT.
DO IT.
YOU WANT ME TO READ IT NOW?
I'VE GOTTA GET YOUR REACTION
TO BEAUREGARD RAVENNA.
YOU SEE, HE COMES
IN ON PAGE FOUR,
I MAY HAVE TO
BRING HIM IN EARLIER.
WOULD YOU READ IT, GO AHEAD.
OKAY NOW, WE'RE PAGE FOUR?
PAGE FOUR.
OKAY.
"DAWN CAME OVER THE DELTA.
THE AMBER RAYS OF THE
MORNING SUN FINGERED THEIR WAY
PAST THE COTTONWOODS
AND INTO THE SWAMP.
THERE TO SILENCE THE
LAMENT OF THE LOONS."
I LOVE LOONS.
SONGBIRDS OF THE SWAMP.
GO AHEAD, READ.
"THE FAT FROGS THREW
OFF THEIR MANTLE OF SLEEP
AND BEGAN PLOP-PLOPPING
INTO THE BRACKISH WATER."
REMEMBER THAT BRACKISH
WATER, I DO A PLAYBACK
ON THAT AT THE END.
- NOW, YOU SEE, JULIA LUH...
- JULIE LUH?
JULIE LUH, SHE'S THE
BEAUTIFUL, YOUNG WIFE
OF THE TEACHER DESERTER.
OH, I SEE, AND SHE RUNS OFF
WITH THE SILVER-HAIRED FOX?
OH, NO, SHE TRIES TO
BUT BEAUREGARD RAVENNA
IS NOT THE KIND OF PERSON
THAT WOULD RUN AWAY
WITH ANOTHER MAN'S WIFE.
WHAT A GUY, HE SENDS
HER BACK TO THE DESERTER?
HERE, LET ME READ THE END.
LOOK AT THIS, ADDS
THE BRACKISH WATER.
UH-HUH, BRACKISH WATER.
"LOOKED, LOOKED AT JULIE
LUH'S HEELS, SHE ETCHED
HER SUICIDE MESSAGE
INTO THE QUICKSAND
WITH A COTTONWOOD BRANCH.
BEAUREGARD,
BEAUREGARD, BEAUREGARD,
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE
YOU, I LOVE YOU,
GOODBYE, GOODBYE, GOODBYE."
SHE DIES.
WELL, WE FIND OUT IN THE SEQUEL
THAT HER HOOP SKIRT
SNAGS ON A JOTTING ROOT.
PIZZA TIME!
JULIE, DID YOU EVER THINK
ABOUT GETTING A COUPLE
DOBERMAN PINSCHERS
FOR OCCASIONS LIKE THIS?
OH, MR. WOODMAN,
ARE YOU STILL HERE?
DON'T YOU HAVE TO
BRING YOUR PET SPIDER
TO OBEDIENCE CLASS?
NOW, HORSHACK,
MR. WOODMAN JUST CAME OVER
TO SHOW ME HIS NOVEL.
OH, YEAH, LET'S SEE,
LET'S CHECK IT OUT.
HEY!
"SWAMP RATS OF SAVANNAH."
WHAT'S IN THIS BOOK,
BILLY CARTER'S DRINKIN' BUDDIES?
HEY, LET ME SEE, LET
ME SEE, LET ME SEE.
HEY, HEY, LISTEN TO THIS.
"YOUNG MASTER KLOBERINO..."
BOY, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
"WAS CAUGHT IN THE SMOKE HOUSE,
HIS FACE SMEARED WITH
BARBEQUED LIVERWURST."
HEY, VINNIE, I THINK HE
WROTE THAT BOOK ABOUT YOU.
HERE, CHECK IT OUT, LOOK
AT THIS, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.
ALL OF US IS INSIDE
THIS BOOK, LOOK.
THERE'S WARPSTEIN.
IT GOT THORSHACK.
IT GOT BALTIMORE.
BALTIMORE?
THAT'S CLOSE TO WASHINGTON.
ALL RIGHT, SO IT IS
BASED LOOSELY ON YOU.
YEAH, BUT THAT DON'T GIVE
YOU THE RIGHT TO SMEAR
LIVERWURST ALL OVER MY FACE.
I'M A WRITER, I
WRITE LIKE I SEE IT.
YEAH, BUT, UM, MR. WOODMAN,
YOU GOT US HERE
CHALLENGIN' THE CHURCH
CHOIR TO A RUMBLE.
I MEAN WE DON'T
DO STUFF LIKE THAT,
I MEAN WE NEVER HURT NOBODY.
OH, YEAH, READ CHAPTER SIX,
WHERE THE SWAMP RATS SET FIRE
TO EVERY COTTON
FIELD IN THE COUNTY.
FOR THREE MONTHS,
ROBERT E. LEE AND HIS MEN
COULDN'T FIND Q-TIPS.
IF THEY WANTED COTTON,
ALL THEY HAD TO DO
WAS OPEN THEIR ASPIRIN BOTTLES.
GUYS, JUST LOOK
AT THE BRIGHT SIDE,
AT LEAST HE DIDN'T BLAME
THE CIVIL WAR ON YOU.
HO, YES HE DO, CHECK
IT OUT, RIGHT HERE.
RIGHT HERE, IN
CHAPTER EIGHT, IT SAYS
WE FIRED ON FORT SUMTER.
WE CAN'T LET HIM DO THAT TO US.
WE WON'T, GENTLEMEN,
WOODMAN WANTS WAR,
THEN WAR IT IS.
RIGHT!
NOW, GUYS, WHAT ARE
YOU GONNA DO, COME ON?
GUYS?
GUYS?
OH, COME ON, GUYS,
THE CIVIL WAR IS OVER,
YOUR REGIMENT NEEDS YOU.
GUYS?
♪
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- RIGHT ON!
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- CAN YOU HEAR ME?
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- CORNBREAD!
- WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
- PEAS AND RICE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, KNOCK IT OFF!
THROW YOUR SIGNS
IN THE SHREDDERS.
DEMONSTRATION'S OVER.
WELL, BEAUREGARD RAVENNA,
DID YOU DROP BY TO
COUNT YOUR SLAVES?
AFTER WHAT YOU DID
TO THE SUBSTITUTE,
I'M TAKING OVER?
OH, WHAT'D WE DO
THAT WAS SO BAD?
YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,
IN THE CAFETERIA,
STRAPPING TRAYS TO HIS FEET.
AND MAKING HIM STAMP THE LUMPS
OUT OF THE MASHED POTATOES.
YEAH, ALL THAT WORK FOR NOTHIN'.
TURNS OUT THE LUMPS
WAS IN THE GRAVY.
HOW'D YOU LIKE OUR
LITTLE PROTEST, HERE?
- YEAH.
- I LOVED IT.
WE AUTHORS THRIVE
ON CONTROVERSY.
IT'S GOOD FOR SALES.
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHIN', MR. WOODMAN,
THE WHOLE SCHOOL IS BEHIND US.
YEAH!
I MEAN EVERYWHERE YOU GO,
YOU'RE GONNA BE BADGERED.
- YOU'RE GONNA BE BROWBEATEN.
- OH, YEAH!
AND YOU'RE GONNA
BE BADMOUTHED, YES.
MR. WOODMAN, IF YOU
PUBLISH THAT BOOK,
YOU ARE GONNA HAVE ANGRY
PICKETERS ALL AROUND YOUR HOUSE,
NIGHT AND DAY.
SO WHAT, IT'S BEEN
GOING ON FOR YEARS.
I REMODELED MY
KITCHEN WITH BRICKS THAT
WERE THROWN THROUGH MY WINDOW.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU BETTER
NOT MAKE LIGHT OF THIS.
THAT BOOK OF YOURS IS
AN INSULT TO THE SWEATHOG.
IT IS A GROSS
DISTORTION OF THE TRUTH.
TRUTH?
WHAT IS TRUTH?
VINCENT, DON'T START.
IT'S TRUE, I'VE BEEN THINKIN'
ABOUT IT LATELY A LOT.
I THINK, "WHAT IS THE TRUTH."
RIGHT, I WENT OUT, I
WENT OUT WITH DELORIS
TO THE DRIVE-IN, RIGHT.
AND I SAID TO HER,
I SAID, UM, I SAID,
"DELORIS, WHAT IS THE TRUTH?"
AND SHE SAID, "VINNIE, GO
GET ME SOME FRENCH FRIES."
I SAID, "OKAY, BUT ANSWER ME
ONE THING, WHAT IS THE TRUTH?"
SHE SAID, "NEVER MIND, I'LL
GO GET THE FRENCH FRIES."
YOU KNOW WHAT, I THINK
MAYBE I'M TOO DEEP FOR HER.
YOU KNOW, BARBARINO,
I'VE MET CABBAGE
DEEPER THAN YOU.
WHERE DOES THAT MAN GO AT NIGHT?
YOU WANNA KNOW THE TRUTH,
READ SWAMP RATS OF SAVANNAH.
IT'S FILLED WITH THE
PROFOUND UNDERSTANDING
OF HUMAN NATURE.
OH, PROFOUND
UNDERSTANDING, I SEE.
LIKE IN THAT SCENE
AT THE OFFICER'S BALL.
A PERFECTLY HAPPY,
MARRIED WOMAN FALLS IN LOVE
WITH A COMPLETE STRANGER,
AND THEN, IN FRONT OF
A CROWD OF 300 GUESTS,
SHE DROPS TO HER KNEES
AND SHE LICKS HIS BOOTS.
AND ALL THIS AFTER
ONLY HAVING ONE MINUET.
SO, BEAUREGARD'S A GREAT DANCER.
THE SECRET'S IN THE DIP.
THAT BOGARD, THAT
BOGARD STORY IS SO STUPID.
I MEAN REMEMBER THAT
PART WHEN HE ASKS, HE SAYS,
"HEY, JULIE LUH, WOULD YOU
HAVE THIS MINUET WITH ME?"
HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE
NOT A YANKEE SPY?
BUT MADAM, I AM A
SOUTHERN GENTLEMAN.
YOU CAN TELL BY THE WAY I
TORE OFF THE UNION LABELS
FROM MY CLOTHES.
COME AND DANCE.
♪
MY, MY, YOU DO
DANCE DIVINE, THERE.
OH, I BET YOU SAY
THAT TO EVERYBODY.
NO, NO, JUST THE MEN.
♪
WHY, BEAUREGARD, I DO
BELIEVE THEY ARE STARIN'.
THE REASON THAT THEY'RE STARIN'
IS BECAUSE THEY NEVER SEEN
SUCH BEAUTY.
YOU FLATTER ME.
I WAS TALKIN' ABOUT MYSELF.
♪
OH, BEAUREGARD, BEAUREGARD,
YOU HAVE STOLEN MY HEART.
COULD YOU RUN AWAY WITH
THE WIFE OF A YANKEE DESERTER
WITH A MUSTACHE?
OH, NO, 'CAUSE I HATE
WOMEN WITH MUSTACHES.
THEN I DO BELIEVE I'LL GO
THROW MYSELF IN THE SWAMP.
DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.
IF THAT WAS FOR MY
BENEFIT, IT WAS DISGUSTING.
GOOD, SO IS YOUR BOOK.
WELL, I'M NOT CHANGING
A WORD, IT'S PURE GOLD!
GENTLEMEN, THE TIME HAS COME
TO PUT DOWN OUR SWORDS
AND PICK UP OUR PENS!
RIGHT ON, YEAH, ALL RIGHT!
WE HAVE NO CHOICE, WE
MUST FIGHT INK WITH INK!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
WOODMAN CAN'T WRITE!
♪
YEAH, HONEY, I MISS YOU, TOO.
UH-HUH, THE GIRLS ARE BEHAVING.
NO, THEY CAN'T
COME TO THE PHONE,
THEY'RE BUSY SETTING THEIR HAIR.
I'M GLAD YOUR FATHER'S OKAY.
YEAH, I LOVE YOU, TOO, I'LL
SEE YOU SUNDAY, BYE-BYE.
SHH!
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOING ON?
MRS. KOTTER, WE'RE
SITTING ON A TIME BOMB.
THIS IS THE SECOND BOMB
SCARE WE'VE HAD HERE THIS WEEK.
WE'RE WRITTEN A NOVEL.
WHAT DO I LOOK
LIKE, RANDOM HOUSE?
COME ON, YOU GOTTA CHECK IT
OUT, LOOK AT IT, IT'S INCREDIBLE.
SENSATIONAL EXPOSE, THE
SCHOOL NEWSPAPER IS GONNA PRINT
THE FIRST CHAPTER ON FRIDAY.
UGH, I HOPE IT'S NOT
ANOTHER CIVIL WAR EPIC.
OH, NO, IT'S CALLED... ♪
THE SPACE HOGS... OF BUCHANIA.
OKAY.
OH, "DAWN CAME OVER THE GALAXY.
THE AMBER RAYS OF
THE MORNING COSMOS
SILENCED THE LAMENT
OF THE SPACE LOONS."
HOW DO YOU LIKE IT SO FAR?
LET ME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY,
IF YOU GUYS HAVE A JULIE
LUH DOING THE BACKSTROKE
THROUGH BRACKISH
WATERS, I'VE READ IT.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE,
WE JUST WROTE IT.
NOW, WAIT TILL YOU
GET TO THE ENDING HERE.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, THE
ENDING, THAT'S THE BEST PART,
YOU SEE, THAT'S
WHEN THE SPACE HOGS
DO BATTLE WITH THE
EVIL VICE TYRANT...
WOODNOSE.
DEMENTO.
ONE DAY, NEWS OF DEMENTO'S
EVIL REACHES THE ANTENNAE
OF THE MIGHTY SPACE HOG!
YEAH, THERE WAS FOUR OF 'EM.
THERE WAS FOUR OF 'EM.
THEY WERE BRAVE.
THEY WERE HANDSOME.
THEY WERE POWERFUL.
AND THEY WERE LACKING
IN HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMAS.
YOU GET IT, LACKING IN DIPLOMAS?
INTO THE VICE TYRANT'S LOUNGE,
THE MIGHTY SPACE HOGS BURST.
BURST.
QUARANTINE SPACE HOGS.
YOUR CORKING DAYS ARE OVER!
SHOUTED THE SPACE
HOGS AS THEY ZAPPED HIM
WITH THEIR SWEAT GUN.
I'M MELTING.
I'M MELTING ON MY
BEAUTIFUL, EVIL MAT.
- YOU KILLED HIM.
- YES!
WHAT?
I CAN'T... WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS A
PILE OF GREY-HAIRED YOGURT.
UNTIL...
UNTIL CHAPTER TWO,
WHEN HE RETURNED
AS A BOWL OF RICE PUDDING.
WHAT DID YOU THINK, MRS.
KOTTER, IT WAS TOO DEEP, HUH?
IT WAS TOO REAL...
REALITY, RIGHT?
YOU HAD ME UNTIL
THE RICE PUDDING.
I KNEW, I KNEW WE
SHOULDA MADE IT TAPIOCA.
I'LL GET IT.
IT'S THE DREADED DEMENTO!
GET OUT OF THE WAY.
COME ON IN, MR. WOODMAN.
JULIE, HAVE YOU READ
THIS TRASH, THIS SLANDER?
MR. WOODMAN, I AM NOT TAKING
ANY MORE SUBMISSIONS THIS WEEK.
HOW DARE YOU CALL ME DEMENTO.
THIS IS ALL LIES.
I NEVER TOOK A METEORITE
SHOWER WITH AN ANDROID.
MR. WOODMAN, WE AIN'T NEVER
BURNED NO COTTON FIELDS
AND WE AIN'T NEVER
FIRED ON FORT SUMTER.
BUT YOU GOT MY HIJACKING
ALL THE GRAVITY IN THE UNIVERSE
AND HOLDING IT FOR RANSOM.
WELL, YOU HAVE US
CHALLENGING THE CHURCH CHOIR
TO A RUMBLE... AND LOSING.
OKAY, OKAY, THIS HAS REALLY
GONE FAR ENOUGH NOW, OKAY.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, GUYS,
THIS REMINDS ME OF A JOKE
THAT GABE ONCE TOLD TO ME.
NO, THIS IS A REAL FUNNY JOKE,
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
THERE ARE THESE TWO GUYS
AND THEY WERE BRAGGING
ABOUT THIS FISHING THAT THEY DID
AND THE ONE GUY
SAYS TO THE OTHER GUY,
"I CAUGHT A GOLDFISH
THAT WAS 400 POUNDS."
AND THE OTHER GUY
SAYS, "I CAUGHT A LANTERN
DATED 1492 AND THE
LIGHT WAS STILL BURNING."
SO, THE ONE GUY
SAYS TO THE OTHER,
"I TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL KNOCK
OFF A HUNDRED POUNDS
IF YOU BLOW OUT THE LIGHT."
IT HAS A POINT.
WELL, MAYBE I DID
EXAGGERATE A LITTLE.
MAYBE YOU WOULDN'T BURN
EVERY COTTON
FIELD IN THE COUNTY.
MR. WOODMAN JUST KNOCKED OFF
HIS HUNDRED POUNDS, NOW COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, SO MAYBE
YOU'RE NOT THE KIND OF GUY
THAT WOULD TAKE A
SHOWER WITH AN ANDROID.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
SHOW THE MAN A LITTLE
GOOD FAITH THERE, FREDDIE?
OKAY, MR. WOODMAN, YOU GOT IT.
WELL,
THIS IS THREE YEARS
HARD WORK, HOW CAN I JUST
TEAR IT UP?
MR. WOODMAN, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO TEAR IT UP.
JUST RE-WRITE IT A LITTLE.
YEAH, JUST TALK
ABOUT OUR OTHER SIDE.
HOW WE'RE KIND AND GENEROUS,
AND HOW WE ALWAYS HELP
AN UNDERPRIVILEGED WINO
CRAWL ACROSS THE STREET.
BUT I NEVER SEE THAT SIDE.
GIVE US A CHANCE TO SHOW YA.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT,
SIT DOWN OVER HERE.
COME ON, MR. WOODMAN.
NOW, DO YOU REMEMBER,
DO YOU REMEMBER THE PART
WHEN THE CHARACTER OF KLOBERINO,
WHEN HE GETS THE LIVERWURST
ON HIS FACE, REMEMBER THAT?
OF COURSE, IT'S A
LITERARY DELIGHT.
NO, I THINK IT SHOULD
BE PIZZA IN THE FACE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
NOW, GET YOUR PEN...
THEY WOULDN'T SERVE
PIZZA AT APPLEGATE HALL.
WELL, IT'S A START.
♪
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU WERE
AWAY, HONEY, ROBIN DEMANDED
A CRIB WITH A BETTER VIEW.
I KNEW WE SHOULD'VE
RENTED THE PENTHOUSE SUITE.
I'M GLAD EVERYTHING'S
OKAY WITH YOUR DAD.
OH, YEAH, MY MOTHER WAS
KIND OF WORRIED FOR A SECOND.
SHE KEPT SAYING, "GABE,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'LL DO
WITHOUT YOUR FATHER,
I MEAN I COULDN'T LIVE
WITHOUT YOUR FATHER,
UNLESS, OF COURSE, IT WAS
IN THE SOUTH OF FRANCE."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪