Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 8 - What a Move - full transcript

The Kotters are looking for a new apartment and having no luck. Juan has an answer to their problem. His Uncle owns a building in a good neighborhood at the right price. The gang helps the Kotters move in and everything seems to be going great...until Moe Epstein tells them that there are no babies allowed.

MR. WOODMAN, DID I EVER
TELL YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE

THAT THOUGHT HE
WAS A STEAM RADIATOR?

WELL, NOBODY'S PERFECT.

NO, MY AUNT TOOK HIM TO
SEE A PSYCHIATRIST ANYWAY.

NOW, WHAT DID SHE WANT
THE PSYCHIATRIST TO DO,

CONVINCE HIM HE
WASN'T A RADIATOR?

NO, JUST GET HIM
TO STOP HISSING.

AFTER HEARING THAT JOKE, I
KNOW HOW YOUR UNCLE FELT.



♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪



♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED

SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED

AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪



ALL RIGHT, YOU YOUNG LOUDIES,

TAKE YOUR SEATS AND CLAM UP.

UH, MR. HORSHACK,
WHO PUT YOU IN CHARGE?

IT JUST SO HAPPENS, THAT
DURING MR. KOTTER'S ABSENTEEISM,

I HAVE JUN-IORITY.

YEAH, WELL WHERE IS KOTTER
ANYWAY, HE'S GONNA MISS

MY BIG SURPRISE.

I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW
WHAT, MAYBE HE TOOK HIS KIDS

TO THE BABY DOCTOR.

THAT'S STUPID, BABIES
CAN'T BE DOCTORS.

WHAT WOULD THEY PUT
ON THE PRESCRIPTION?

"GOO-GOO?"

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD AFTERNOON.

LOOK, I'M SORRY I'M LATE.

YOU'RE SORRY YOUR LATE?

YOU'RE SORRY FOR DEPRIVING
THESE EAGER, YOUNG MINDS

OF THEIR MUCH NEEDED EDUCATION?

YOU ARE SORRY?

HORSHACK, YOU
WANNA BE A TEACHER,

YOU GOTTA WEAR A TIE,
YOU GOTTA KEEP TUMS

IN YOUR POCKET AT ALL
TIMES, AND YOU GOTTA PRACTICE

BEING IGNORED, TAKE A SEAT.

DID YOU HEAR ME?

NO, I'M IGNORING YOU.

YOU TAKE A SEAT!

THE REASON I'M LATE,
GUYS, IS BECAUSE I WENT

TO SEE APARTMENTS AGAIN.

APARTMENT HUNTING ALL
WEEK, CAN'T FIND ANYTHING.

WELL, SAY NO MORE,
JUAN EPSTEIN IS HERE.

YOU SAY YOU'RE LOOKIN'
FOR AN APARTMENT?

YOU SAY YOU CAN'T FIND ONE?

YOU SAY YOU LOOKED
IN BROOKLYN, QUEENS,

AND PARTS OF STATEN ISLAND?

LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO, SELL ME A VEG-O-MATIC?

CLOSE, BUT NO CIGAR.

I HAVE, HERE IN MY
HAND, THE ANSWER

TO ALL YOUR PROBLEMS.

IT'S A LEASE TO A TWO-BEDROOM
APARTMENT, AT 1962 LINDEN BLVD.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, EPSTEIN,
YOUR MOTHER STOPPED

WRITING NOTES AND
STARTED WRITING LEASES.

NO, MY UNCLE DID.

WAIT A SECOND,
THIS IS A REAL LEASE.

OF COURSE IT'S A REAL
LEASE, I GOT CONNECTIONS.

MY UNCLE, HE RUNS
A CHAIN OF SLUMS.

YEAH, BUT LINDEN BLVD IS A
VERY NICE NEIGHBORHOOD.

YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW THE
WAY UNCLE MO FIGURED IT OUT,

HE HAD TO BRANCH OUT.

WHY JUST STEAL FROM THE POOR

WHEN YOU CAN RIP OFF EVERYBODY?

EPSTEIN, I DON'T KNOW IF
THIS IS A PUT-ON OR NOT,

BUT AT THIS POINT,
I'LL GRAB AT ANYTHING.

NOW, WHAT ARE YOU
GRABBING AT NOW, KOTTER?

EPSTEIN MAY OR MAY NOT
HAVE FOUND ME AN APARTMENT.

WELL, IT'S MY UNCLE
MO'S BUILDING.

WHY WOULD YOU WANNA
MOVE TO PUERTO RICO?

THAT'S THE WRONG
SIDE OF THE FAMILY.

MY UNCLE MO, HE RUNS
A SLICK OPERATION.

HE'S TEACHIN' ME THE ROPES.

ROPES?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, THE
BUILDING HAS NO ELEVATORS?

LOOK, KID AROUND IF
YOU WILL, MR. WOODMAN,

BUT THIS LOOKS LEGITIMATE.

WHEN CAN I SEE IT, JUAN?

ANYTIME YOU WANT.

BETTER MAKE IT FAST,
BEFORE IT GETS CONDEMNED.

THERE IS ONLY ONE THING THAT
CAN MAKE A MAN THAT CRABBY,

HE BUYS HIS UNDERWEAR TOO SMALL.

HEY, YOU GUYS WOULD BE
WEIRD, TOO, IF YOU WERE RAISED

BY LIZARDS.

WAS HE REALLY?

JOKE, BARBARINO, JOKE.

OH, JOKE, A JOKE.

JULIE, THIS HAS ALL
GONE SO SMOOTHLY,

IT'S MAKIN' ME NERVOUS.

HONEY, RELAX, WE SAW THE
NEW APARTMENT, IT'S WONDERFUL.

OKAY, TRUCK'S LOADED UP.

THE ONLY THING LEFT
TO GO IS THE BABIES.

ARNOLD, COULD YOU
GET US A CARTON?

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A
MINUTE NOW, DON'T BE STUPID.

YOU DON'T PACK BABIES
IN CARTONS, EPSTEIN.

YOU STRAP 'EM TO THE
ROOF OF THE TRUCK.

YEAH, OTHERWISE THEY
MIGHT GET CHIPPED.

UH, OKAY, SANTINI BROTHERS,
LISTEN, YOU HANDLE THE HARDWARE,

WE'LL TAKE CARE
OF THE LIVESTOCK.

HEY, MRS. KOTTER, I THINK, I
THINK YOUR REFRIGERATOR'S SICK,

IT LOOKS ALL HOT AND SWEATY.

YEAH, WELL THAT'S WHAT
GENERALLY HAPPENS

WHEN YOU PULL THE PLUG OUT.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO WITH THIS ROOT BEER?

YOU'RE GONNA
LEAVE IT HERE TO DIE?

WELL, OLD PAL, I KNOW THAT
OVER THE YEARS, YOU KNOW,

I TOOK MORE THAN I GAVE,

BUT YOU TEMPTED
ME, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU TEMPTED ME
WITH YOUR LIVERWURST,

AND YOUR DANISH,
AND YOUR ANCHOVIES,

SO STAY... STAY FULL AND
KEEP A COOL UPPER CHEST.

THAT WAS VERY TOUCHING,
VINNIE, VERY TOUCHING.

NOW, WE WOULD LIKE A
MOMENT ALONE WITH THE STOVE.

YEAH, I MEAN YOU GUYS
AREN'T THE ONLY ONES

THAT HAVE TO CONFRONT
A BELOVED APPLIANCE.

ARNOLD, WOULD YOU TAKE THIS?

YOU KNOW, MR. KOTTER, I'M
KIND OF GLAD YOU'RE MOVING

BECAUSE WE'RE ALL
TOO OLD TO BE CLIMBING

IN AND OUT OF WINDOWS.

- SEE YOU IN A WHILE.
- BYE.

HEY, GUYS, HEY, Y'ALL,
COME HERE FOR A SECOND.

GUYS, HEY, UM,

ONE MORE TIME
FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.

MMM-HMM.

WELL, HONEY, TAKE A
GOOD LOOK AROUND.

GOODBYE TO OUR FIRST APARTMENT.

YEAH.

HEY, JULIE, WHAT DO YOU
SAY WE LEAVE THE WAY

WE FIRST CAME IN?

YOU MEAN IN DEBT AND UNEMPLOYED?

I MEAN LIKE THIS.

OH, HONEY, YOU'RE SO ROMANTIC.

I KNOW.

GABE, HOW COULD YOU?

HOW COULD YOU FORGET?

WELL, YOU FORGOT, TOO.

YOU FORGOT FIRST.

NO, YOU DID.

NO, YOU DID, HOW COULD
YOU FORGET THE BABIES?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE
THE EXPRESS AISLE.

- I GOT ONE BABY OR LESS.
- OKAY.



OH, OH, HONEY, IT'S EVEN
NICER THAN I REMEMBER IT.

YES, AND I LOVE THE
WAY IT'S DECORATED,

EARLY SWEATHOG.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT
TO HAVE ENOUGH ROOM

FOR ALL FOUR OF US, HONEY.

I THINK WE SHOULD'VE KEPT
OUR OLD APARTMENT THOUGH,

YOU KNOW, USE IT
AS A SUMMER HOME.

COME ON, LET'S SHOW THE
GIRLS TO THEIR NURSERY.

HEY, RACHIE BABY, YOU
WANNA SEE YOUR NEW DIGS?

COME ON, YOU WANNA
HELP US UNPACK?

- COME ON.
- LET'S GO.

I THINK ROBIN WANTS
THE CRIB BY THE PHONE.

OH, YEAH, WELL, I'M SICK
OF ROBIN'S DEMANDS.

ALL RIGHT, STROKE,
STROKE, STROKE, STROKE.

COME ON HORSHACK, PUT
SOME MUSCLE INTO THIS COUCH.

WHY, IT'S ALREADY
STRONGER THAN I AM?

ALL RIGHT, THEN LET'S
LET BICEPS BE BICEPS.

I'D LIKE TO CONGRATULATE
EVERYBODY ON A JOB WELL DONE.

ALL FURNITURE PRESENTLY
ACCOUNTED FOR, SIR.

ANYWAY, EXCEPT FOR THAT
RUNAWAY BOOKCASE THAT HIT

THAT BUMP ON OCEAN PARKWAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK, I THINK
THAT WE MOVED THE FURNITURE

AND WE WORKED VERY
HARD, I THINK IT'S MILLER TIME.

WELL, WE GOT THE TIME,
WHO'S GOT THE BEER?

WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR ROOT BEER?

REQUESTING
PERMISSION TO SIT, SIR.

UH-HUH, ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY, JUST EASE UP.

OH, BOY.

LISTEN, YOU GUYS
WORKED HARD ALL DAY,

I GUESS IT'S MILLER TIME.

I JUST DID THAT JOKE.

OH.

HEY, MR. KOTTER, I GOTTA
HURRY UP DOWNSTAIRS

AND GET THE DRIVER,
HE WANTS TO GET PAID.

WHAT'S HIS HURRY?

WELL, HE'S PARKED IN
A NO-FURNITURE ZONE.

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY,
EVERYBODY WANTS MONEY.

HEY, GUYS, I GOTTA
CONGRATULATE YOU.

YOU DIDN'T BREAK A THING.

WELL, I MEAN, LIKE, UH,
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

WE LEFT ALL THE BROKEN
STUFF ON THE TRUCK.

VINNIE, THERE'S SOMEONE
HERE I WANT YOU TO MEET.

OH, YEAH, WHO?

OVER HERE, HER NAME IS SHIRLEY.

OH, HELLO, SHIRLEY,
BOY, ARE YOU ALONE?

YES, WELL, THAT'S GOOD,
'CAUSE YOU GOT A NICE FACE,

BUT YOU'RE EMPTY INSIDE.

WELL, VINNIE, GIVE HER A
CHANCE TO GET TURNED ON.

WELL, RACHEL LOVES
THE NEW NURSERY.

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

BUT ROBIN'S COMPLAINING
ABOUT THE WALLPAPER.

SHE SAYS IT CLASHES
WITH HER DIAPERS.

I DIDN'T WHEN WE PUT THEM ON.

I GOT THE DRIVER, THIS WAY, MAC.

ALL RIGHT, KOTTER,
HOW YOU WANNA PAY ME?

BY MILE OR BY THE HOUR?

WELL, WHICH IS CHEAPER?

WELL, FOR ANYBODY ELSE
IT WOULD BE FORTY BUCKS.

FOR YOU, IT'S ON THE HOUSE.

THANK YOU, MR. WOODMAN,
THAT'S NICE OF YOU.

LISTEN, IT'S A HARD TRIP,
GOT STOPPED BY A COP,

I SOLD AN END TABLE AND A LAMP.

I NEED THOSE FOR MY LIVING ROOM!

THAT'S WHAT THE COP SAID.

I COULD REALLY USE
THAT FORTY BUCKS.

THE PRICE OF POLIGRIP
GOES UP EVERY DAY.

UH, YOU LOW-LIFES WANT
A RIDE BACK WITH ME?

YEAH, YEAH, LET'S GO,
OSTEO LUMBAGO, BABY.

VIA CON DIOS.

CHILI CON CARNE.

I'LL GET IT.

PHONES YOU GET,
BABIES YOU TAKE CARE OF.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

WELL, I DON'T WANNA BE ONE
TO SQUEEZE MY OWN ACCORDION,

BUT DID I DO GOOD
OR DID I DO GOOD?

WELL, JUAN, GIVEN THOSE
CHOICES, YOU DID GOOD.

YEAH, WELL, YOU GOT A REAL
SWEET DEAL HERE, MR. KOTTER.

I JUST HOPE YOU
REMEMBER IT THE NEXT TIME

YOU GRADE MY TESTS,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU SEE, A "D" CAN
BECOME A "B" VERY EASILY.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS JUST
PUT A LINE RIGHT DOWN

THE MIDDLE OF IT.

WHAT DO YOU NEED
ME FOR, YOU BEEN DOIN'

THAT YOURSELF FOR TWO YEARS?

YEAH, BUT IF YOU
GET CAUGHT DOIN' IT,

I DON'T GET IN ANY TROUBLE.

I'LL GET IT, MAYBE IT'S
THE OLD REFRIGERATOR

LOOKING FOR VINNIE.

COME IN.

I'M MO EPSTEIN, YOUR LANDLORD.

WELL, WELL, WELL, WHAT
DO YOU KNOW, UNCLE MO?

EPSTEIN THE YOUNG
GUY, HOW YA DOIN'?

MR. EPSTEIN, NICE TO MEET
YA, LISTEN, I CAN'T TELL YOU

HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE
THIS APARTMENT.

NAH, DON'T MENTION IT.

JUAN, HERE, TOLD
ME ALL ABOUT YOU.

YOU'RE THE FAMOUS MR. KOTTER.

A MAN WHO MOLDS YOUNG MINDS.

ONCE IN A WHILE, OF
COURSE, A MIND IS MOLDY

BEFORE IT GETS TO YOU...

BUT SUCH IS THE
LIFE OF A TEACHER.

SO, I HEAR YOU HAVE
A BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

YEAH, WELL, I'M A LUCKY MAN.

AH.

HI.

WHAT IS THAT?

THAT'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE.

NO, NO, NO, I MEAN THE THING
AT THE END OF HER ARM THERE.

THAT'S HER BEAUTIFUL HAND.

I MEAN THE THING IN THE BLANKET.

- THIS IS ROBIN.
- JUAN, THEY HAVE A BABY.

OH.

ACTUALLY, WE HAVE TWINS.

JUAN, THEY HAVE TWO BABIES.

OH, OH.

WHAT'S "OH, OH,"
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

YEAH, "WHAT'S THE
MATTER," TELL HIM.

TELL HIM WHAT'S THE MATTER.

UH, UNCLE MO, UNCLE MO,

THESE PEOPLE, HERE,
THEY WERE DESPERATE.

WELL, YOU KNOW
WHAT MY RULES ARE.

NO BABIES ALLOWED!

THEY MAKE NOISE.

THEY GET SICK.

THEY SPIT UP.

UNCLE MO, THESE PEOPLE,
HERE, THEY NEED AN APARTMENT.

YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE
GONNA NEED A LAWYER NOW

AND YOU, YOU'RE GONNA
NEED A NEW FUTURE.

YOU'RE TOO SOFT-HEARTED TO
BE IN THE APARTMENT BUSINESS.

NICE MEETIN' YA.

I WAS JUST TRYIN'
TO HELP, FOLKS.

JUAN, YOU WANNA HELP, YOU BETTER
STOP WOODMAN AND THE TRUCK.

WE MIGHT HAVE TO
LIVE IN IT FOR A WHILE.



HERE'S ONE, "LARGE
INDOOR-OUTDOOR SUITE.

FENCED-IN YARD, WOODED AREA."

AND IT'S ONLY $100 A
MONTH, MR. KOTTER...

LET ME SEE THAT, $100 A MONTH?

ARNOLD, THIS IS AN
AD FOR A KENNEL.

MAYBE THEY'LL MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

LOOK AT THAT, LOOKY, CHECK IT
OUT, LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS.

"FOUR ROOMS, OVER BOWLING
ALLEY, UNDER POOL HALL,

NEXT TO A DISCO.

IF NO ANSWER, KNOCK LOUDER."

THAT'S NICE, FREDDIE,
BUT WE WERE HOPIN'

FOR SOMETHIN' A LITTLE
NOISIER, LIKE AN APARTMENT

ON AN AIRPORT
RUNWAY OR SOMETHIN'.

WAIT A MINUTE, WHAT'S THIS?

"UNFURN APPT, LIVE ROOM,

EFFIC KITCH, ST SHW."

YOU KNOW, THE GUY WHO WROTE
THIS SPELLS WORSE THAN ME.

VINNIE, THESE ARE ABBREVIATIONS.

IT MEANS UNFURNISHED
APARTMENT, LIVING ROOM,

IT'S AN EFFICIENCY
KITCHEN, STALL SHOWER.

250 A MONTH, NOT BAD.

IT'S ALSO MY OLD APARTMENT.

MR. KOTTER, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU ARE GIVING UP SO EASILY.

HEY, YOU KNOW, MR. KOTTER,
UM, ARNOLD'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, EPSTEIN'S UNCLE, HE
DON'T GOT A LEG TO STAND ON.

LOOK, YOU KNOW, JUAN'S
IN ENOUGH TROUBLE AS IS.

I MEAN HE FEELS SO
BAD, HE DIDN'T EVEN

COME TO SCHOOL TODAY.

I'LL JUST STAY WITH MY
BROTHER FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS

UNTIL I CAN FIND SOMETHING.

HELLO, KOTTER, WHAT'S
THIS I HEAR ABOUT YOU

MOVING OUT OF YOUR
NEW APARTMENT?

YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY IT'S TRUE.

DIDN'T TAKE YOUR
NEIGHBORS LONG TO GET UP

A PETITION, DID IT?

GET IT, KOTTER, PETITION?

I'M TOO MUCH, YOU
KNOW THAT, I'M TOO MUCH.

TAKE YOUR MEDICINE, MR. WOODMAN!

MAYBE HE WAS RAISED BY LIZARDS.

WELL, ONE THING
ABOUT LEAVING SO FAST,

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO
GET USED TO THE PLACE.

I'M REALLY SORRY, MRS.
KOTTER, I DIDN'T MEAN

TO MESS IT UP, YOU KNOW?

OH, IT'S OKAY, JUAN, WE CAN
FIND ANOTHER APARTMENT.

I DON'T KNOW IF YOU'RE
GONNA FIND ANOTHER UNCLE.

OH, YEAH, UNCLE MO'S
REALLY BUMMED OUT AT ME

AND HE GAVE ME THE CAN.

HEY, LOOK, I JUST HAD THESE
CARDS ORDERED FOR MYSELF.

LOOK AT THIS, HERE.

"JUAN EPSTEIN, CONSULTANT,
REAL ESTATE RENTALS AND SALES,

EARS PIERCED WHILE YOU WAIT.

SPECIAL RATE FOR GROUPS."

- HI, JULIE.
- HI, HONEY.

- HI, JUAN.
- HI, HONEY.

I GOT A MESSAGE FOR
YOU FROM MR. WOODMAN.

"SHOW UP IN SCHOOL
TOMORROW, OR ELSE."

I GOT A LOT OF THINKIN'
TO DO, MR. KOTTER.

I REALLY CAN'T DO
THAT IN SCHOOL.

LISTEN, JUAN, I KNOW
YOU GOT PROBLEMS,

BUT THAT'S NO
REASON TO CUT CLASS.

GABE, HE WAS NOT CUTTING CLASS.

I WAS TUTORING HIM IN
MOVING AND STORAGE.

AN ACCOMPLICE.

JUAN, I THINK WE SHOULD
FIND YOUR FAMILY TREE

AND CHOP IT DOWN.

OH, LOOK WHO IT IS, UNCLE SHMO.

IF YOU'RE TRYIN' TO MAKE
ME FEEL BAD, DON'T BOTHER.

BETTER MEN THAN YOU
HAVE TRIED AND FAILED.

GABE, WHY DON'T YOU
INVITE MR. EPSTEIN IN?

THE BABIES HAVE
ALREADY HAD THEIR SHOTS.

VERY FUNNY, BUT THIS
IS NOT A SOCIAL CALL.

OH, THAT'S TOO BAD, WE WERE
ABOUT TO OFFER YOU SOME

FLAT BEER AND STALE PIZZA.

WELL, I CAME UP
TO OFFER YOU THIS.

DON'T BOTHER READING
IT, I WILL SUMMARIZE

ALL FORTY PAGES IN FIVE WORDS.

GET OUT IN THIRTY DAYS.

THAT'S NOT SOON ENOUGH,
WE'LL BE OUT TOMORROW MORNING.

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE,

YOU MEAN YOU'RE
NOT GONNA FIGHT ME?

WHAT?

YOU WANT US TO FIGHT YOU?

SURE, SURE, OF COURSE.

I SUE YOU, YOU SUE ME,
COURT BATTLES, LAWYERS.

LOOK, SOME PEOPLE
GOLF, SOME PEOPLE BOWL,

I FIGHT WITH MY
TENANTS, THAT'S MY FUN.

WHAT WOULD LIFE BE WITHOUT
A LITTLE LITIGATION, YOU KNOW?

YOU ARE NOT ONLY A MEAN
MAN, YOU ARE A SICK MAN.

AND YOU PEOPLE ARE CRAZY,
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

IF YOU HANG IN FOR
LONG ENOUGH, YOU'LL WIN.

I DON'T HAVE A LEG TO
STAND ON, IT'LL BE FUN.

UNCLE MO, UNCLE MO,
THEY AIN'T GONNA FIGHT YOU

'CAUSE YOU'RE MY UNCLE
AND THEY DON'T WANNA GET ME

IN ANY MORE TROUBLE
THAN WHAT I AM.

FORGET THAT I'M HIS
UNCLE, FORGET THAT.

THINK OF ME AS A MAD
DOG, AS A BEAST, HUH?

LOOK, LOOK, KOTTER,
PICTURE THIS, HUH?

A COURTROOM, ON ONE
SIDE A HATED SLUMLORD.

A MAN WHO STARTED
WITH A SINGLE TENANT

AND BUILT IT INTO
A THRIVING GHETTO.

I SEE, I SEE, I SEE, THE ONE
WITH THE FOAM AT THE MOUTH.

- THAT'S YOU, RIGHT?
- RIGHT, THAT'S ME, RIGHT?

OKAY, NOW AT THE
OTHER SIDE, RIGHT?

A DEDICATED TEACHER,
A BEAUTIFUL WIFE,

SITTING WITH THEIR
TWINS, CAN YOU SEE THEM?

YEAH, I CAN SEE IT, RACHEL'S
COOING FOR THE JURY.

- AND ROBIN WANTS A MISTRIAL.
- YEAH, RIGHT.

AND LOOK, LOOK,
LOOK AT THE JURY.

YOU'VE WON THEIR
HEARTS, THEY HATE ME.

THEY'RE CLIMBING
OUT OF THE JURY BOX

TO TEAR OUT THE REST OF MY HAIR.

WE DON'T HAVE TO GO
TO COURT FOR THAT,

I'LL RIP OUT THE
REST OF YOUR HAIR!

THAT'S A CONTENDER, HUH,
NOW WHAT ABOUT YOU, COME ON?

WHAT ABOUT ME, YOU
WANNA KNOW ABOUT ME?

YOU WANNA FIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU GOT ONE, OKAY, WE'RE NOT
MOVING OUT OF THIS APARTMENT

AND WE'RE NOT EVEN
GOIN' TO COURT TO PROVE IT!

A STAGGERING BLOW, OKAY,

WE DON'T GO TO COURT.
KEEP PUNCHING, COME ON.

YOU WANT MORE, YOU
WANT MORE, ALL RIGHT.

I WANT JUAN TO GET HIS
JOB BACK AND I WANT YOU

TO GIVE HIM A REGULAR
SALARY, HOW 'BOUT THAT?

OH, BEAUTIFUL, KOTTER,
YOU GOT ME ON THE ROPES.

I'M DAZED, OKAY, GIVE ME,
GIVE ME THE KNOCKOUT PUNCH.

ALL RIGHT, HERE IT
COMES, YOU READY?

YOU'RE GONNA LET
PEOPLE WITH BABIES

IN ALL YOUR APARTMENTS.

YOU HAD ME WHERE YOU WANTED
ME, BUT YOU WENT TOO FAR.

NO, YOU GUYS WITH PRINCIPALS,
YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN TO STOP.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
STAY IF YOU WANT.

AT LEAST NOW YOU'RE FIGHTERS.

BUT ONE SPIT-UP ON
THE FLOOR, AND IT'LL...

STRAIGHT TO THE SUPREME COURT.

UNCLE MO, NOW, DOES
THAT MEAN I CAN SHOW UP

AT YOUR OFFICE IN THE MORNIN'?

YEAH, YEAH, COME
BY, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW

TO ADDICT THE BED-RIDDEN.

NICE SEEIN' YA AGAIN.

THERE IT IS, THERE
IT IS, THERE IT IS,

I'M BACK IN BUSINESS.

HONEY, I HAVE NEVER
SEEN YOU THAT MAD.

THAT WAS VERY EXCITING.

DON'T YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO DO?

YEAH, I GOTTA GO OVER THE RULES
AND REGULATIONS OF THE BUILDING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, FIRST OF
ALL, HERE'S THE SITUATION,

THINGS HAVE TO BE QUIET
AROUND HERE AROUND 10:00.

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY
JUST BLASTIN' THEIR STEREO,

YOU KNOW, WE GOT A LOT
OF OLD FOLKS UNDERNEATH,

YEAH, AND THEY'RE JUST
GONNA COMPLAIN A LOT.

UH, THE RENT IS DUE ON
THE 15TH OF THE MONTH,

NOT THE 16TH, BUT IS DUE
ON THE 15TH OF THE MONTH.

UH, THE GARBAGE IS
PICKED UP ON TUESDAYS.

YOU JUST, JUST PICK
UP THE GARBAGE.

YOU PICK UP THE GARBAGE
AND YOU MOVE IT TO THE DOOR.

VERY EASILY, YOU OPEN THE
DOOR, AND YOU TAKE THE GARBAGE...



JUST THINK OF IT, JULIE,
THIS PLACE IS REALLY OURS.

HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE ELSWORTH?

NEW APARTMENT, BUT
SOME THINGS NEVER CHANGE.

WELL, LISTEN TO
THIS, UNCLE ELSWORTH

WAS A REAL FANCY GUY,
LIKED TO TRAVEL ALL THE TIME,

LIVED IN ST. LOUIS, RIGHT?

SO, ONE TIME HE'S TAKING
A TRAIN FROM ST. LOUIS

TO KANSAS CITY,
SITS IN A DINING CAR

AND A CANNIBAL SITS
DOWN NEXT TO HIM.

- A CANNIBAL?
- YES, A CANNIBAL.

- A CANNIBAL.
- CANNIBAL.

AND THE WAITER COMES OVER
AND SAYS TO THE CANNIBAL...

- THE CANNIBAL?
- YES.

HE SAID, "WOULD YOU
LIKE TO SEE A MENU, SIR."

AND THE CANNIBAL SAYS,
"NO, JUST THE PASSENGER LIST."





♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED

SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED

AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT

'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK

HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪

♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE

YOU WERE LEARNIN' IN ♪

♪ WAS THERE
SOMETHING THAT MADE YOU

COME BACK AGAIN ♪♪