Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 5 - Brother, Can You Spare a Million? - full transcript
Kotter buys Barbarino's share of the Sweathogs' lottery ticket, but Barbarino says he wants no part of it because they never win. When they do win the $1,000 semifinal prize, Barbarino and Kotter disagree on who should get the money.
WHAT ARE YOU READING, HONEY?
OH, THIS IS A TERRIFIC
BOOK ON REINCARNATION.
HEY, I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY AUNT BRENDA
WHO REALLY BELIEVED
IN REINCARNATION?
NO, GO AHEAD.
WELL, MY UNCLE SIDNEY
DIED ABOUT TEN YEARS AGO,
SO SHE WENT TO A SEANCE
TO TRY TO RAISE UP HIS SPIRIT,
AND SHE SAID, "SIDNEY...
SIDNEY, CAN YOU
HEAR ME, SIDNEY?"
HE SAID, "YEAH, I HEAR YOU."
SHE SAID, "SIDNEY, HOW ARE YOU?"
"A LOT BETTER OFF THAN
WHEN I WAS WITH YOU."
"SIDNEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
HE SAID, "MY LIFE IS TERRIFIC.
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
HAVE BREAKFAST, AND MAKE LOVE.
HAVE LUNCH, THEN MAKE LOVE.
HAVE DINNER, THEN MAKE LOVE."
SHE SAYS, "ARE YOU IN HEAVEN?"
HE SAID, "NO, I'M A
BULL IN MONTANA."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
- HEY, WHAT'S UP?
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
ME AND WENDY ARE GOIN' STEADY.
TERRIFIC! CONGRATULATIONS!
YEAH, I JUST PINNED HER,
BEST THREE OUT OF FIVE.
WHAT A LOVELY COUPLE.
WENDY'S REALLY HAPPY, AIN'T YA?
OH, I'M REALLY HAPPY, I AM.
YEAH, BUT, UM, DID YOU PICK
UP THAT LOTTERY TICKET?
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH, YEAH.
GOT IT RIGHT HERE,
GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
EVERYBODY COUGH
UP THEIR QUARTER NOW.
HERE'S MY MONEY, LITTLE JUAN.
ALL RIGHT, BEST
INVESTMENT YOU EVER MADE.
- OH, JUAN'S RIGHT!
- YEAH, YEAH.
THIS WEEK, WE'RE REALLY
GONNA HIT THE OLE JACKPOT.
OH, HE'S RIGHT, HE'S RIGHT.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT,
BUT YOU SAID THAT LAST WEEK.
HEY, BUT JUAN WAS
RIGHT LAST WEEK.
THAT'S RIGHT, I WAS
RIGHT LAST WEEK.
THE PEOPLE DOWN AT
THE LOTTERY WAS WRONG.
GOOD MORNING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU GUYS ARE STILL THROWING
YOUR MONEY AWAY ON THE LOTTERY.
UH, MR. KOTTER, I CAN FEEL IT.
LOOK, THIS TIME WE BOUGHT
THE MILLION DOLLAR TICKET.
LET ME TELL YOU
GUYS A LITTLE STORY.
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG LAD,
I ASKED MY UNCLE
MANNY, THE ACCOUNTANT,
I SAID, "MANNY, I WANT
TO HAVE A LOT OF MONEY."
HE SAID, "GABE, YOU
WANT A MILLION DOLLARS?
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY:
EMBEZZLE IT."
YEAH.
YOU GET IT? HE WAS
AN ACCOUNTANT.
WAIT, MR. KOTTER.
YOU SEE, UM, OUR MONEY,
WE AIN'T THROWIN' IT AWAY.
SEE, WHAT WE...
WHAT WE'RE DOIN' IS WE'RE BUYIN'
A PIECE OF THE DREAM.
WE'RE BUYIN' A ONE-WAY TICKET
TO THE GOOD LIFE, YOU HEAR ME?
TO THE GOOD LIFE!
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
FAME AND FORTUNE.
WHAT AM I TALKIN' ABOUT?
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT WEALTH.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT WEALTH,
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT WEALTH, I
WANTS TO HEAR IT IN MY HEAD.
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT POWER.
POWER, POWER!
AND WEALTH, AND POSITION,
AND A CHANCE FOR THE
BETTERING OF YOUR SOUL!
CAN I GET A AMEN?
CAN I GET A AMEN?
SIT DOWN.
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
OKAY, NOW, NEED I
REMIND YOU PEOPLE
THAT THIS IS A
CLASSROOM, NOT A CASINO.
OH.
NO WONDER WHY WE
AIN'T WON NOTHING.
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN!
OKAY, NOW, HOMEWORK, I
WOULD LIKE YOUR HOMEWORK,
WHICH COVERED THE
INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION.
PLEASE PASS IT TO MY
RIGHT, WHICH IS YOUR LEFT,
WHICH IS THIS WAY.
LOOK AT ME, LOOK, LOOK AT ME.
THIS WAY.
OH, THAT WAY!
DID ANYONE VISIT VINNIE
TODAY AT THE HOSPITAL?
WHO WANTS TO VISIT A DYING MAN?
HE IS NOT DYING,
HE HAS JUST HAD
HIS TONSILS REMOVED.
I GOTTA STOP BY AND
SEE VINNIE MYSELF TODAY.
I GOTTA TELL HIM
WOODMAN'S GONNA LET HIM
TAKE THAT MAKE-UP TEST.
IF YOU'RE GONNA
GO BY THE HOSPITAL,
COULD YOU GIVE THIS TO VINNIE?
FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF HIM.
OH, YOU GOT HIM A
LITTLE SOMETHING?
THAT'S REALLY
NICE OF YOU PEOPLE.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A... YOU KNOW,
IT'S A GET WELL CARD.
OOH!
THIS GIRL LOOKS
VERY HEALTHY TO ME.
AND MR. KOTTER, COULD YOU PUT UP
VINNIE'S QUARTER FOR
THIS WEEK'S LOTTERY?
YOU WANT A QUARTER FROM ME?
ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY?
I AM THE FATHER OF TWINS.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY
EXTRA QUARTERS.
I'M SAVING THEM ALL
FOR THE TOOTH FAIRY.
HE'S GONNA VISIT
MY HOUSE 64 TIMES.
NOW, COME ON, MR. KOTTER.
YOU KNOW VINNIE, HE
GONNA GIVE IT BACK TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IF I GIVE
YOU PEOPLE A QUARTER,
CAN WE GET ON WITH THE LESSON?
WE ARE HERE TO LEARN,
MR. KOTTER-R-R-R-R-R.
OKAY, HERE YOU GO.
I GOT IT!
HERE YOU GO, VINNIE.
WELL, THANK YOU, VINNIE, MY MAN.
I KNEW YOU WAS
GOOD FOR THE BREAD.
ALL RIGHT, WE WILL CONTINUE
WITH TODAY'S LESSON.
NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, KOTTER, I...
I JUST CAME BY TO PICK UP YOUR
MONTHLY PROGRESS REPORT.
- WHERE IS IT?
- IT'S ON THE DESK.
OOH!
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S NOT IT.
KOTTER, I THOUGHT YOU TAUGHT
SOCIAL STUDIES, NOT ANATOMY.
WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?
THAT'S NOT IT,
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S A...
GET WELL CARD FOR VINNIE.
OH, I SEE.
WELL, UH, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'LL JUST TAKE THIS
BACK TO MY OFFICE
AND ADD A FEW
SENTIMENTS OF MY OWN.
IT'S SHAMEFUL, KOTTER.
IT'S... IT'S JUST SHAMEFUL.
♪
ISN'T THAT A NICE TRAIN?
CHOO-CHOO.
CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA.
DOES TEDDY LIKE THE CHOO-CHOO?
DOES HE?
THAT'S GOOD.
WOULD TEDDY LIKE TO TAKE
A RIDE ON THE CHOO-CHOO?
NO?
TEDDY DON'T WANT TO TAKE
A RIDE ON THE CHOO-CHOO?
WELL THEN MAYBE THE CHOO-CHOO
SHOULD TAKE A RIDE
ON TEDDY'S FACE.
VINNIE, DID THEY REMOVE
YOUR TONSILS OR YOUR BRAIN?
HEY, WELCOME TO THE NURSERY.
VINNIE, LISTEN, I GOT
GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.
MR. WOODMAN HAS DECIDED TO
LET YOU TAKE THE MAKE-UP TEST.
I GOT SOME HOMEWORK
I WANT YOU TO DO.
THE TEST IS GONNA BE A
WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY.
UH, I CAN'T MAKE IT A
WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY.
I GOT A DATE.
LISTEN, YOU'VE BEEN DRIVING
ME CRAZY FOR TWO WEEKS.
TAKE A MAKE-UP TEST, YOU
WANT TO GET INTO THE 11TH GRADE.
COME ON, THEY DON'T
TAKE BABIES IN 11TH GRADE.
I GOT A BABY DISEASE.
VINNIE, LISTEN, A LOT OF ADULTS
HAVE THEIR TONSILS REMOVED.
OH, YEAH, WELL HOW
COME LAST NIGHT
THE NURSE HAD TO
COME IN AND BURP ME?
IF I KNOW YOU, SAILOR,
YOU PROBABLY TRIED
TO BURP HER FIRST.
WELL, EVEN SO...
BARBARINO, NOW LOOK...
DON'T LOOK AT ME, ALL RIGHT?
I JUST HAD A MAJOR OPERATION.
VINNIE, GET BACK IN BED.
CARRY ME.
VINNIE!
ALL RIGHT, GABE.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I WANT YOU TO DO
ALL THIS STUFF HERE.
START OVER HERE AND YOU
GO ALL THE WAY TO THE END.
BY THE WAY, YOU
OWE ME A QUARTER.
OH, NOW I GOTTA START
PAYIN' YOU TO COME VISIT ME?
NO, I PUT IN YOUR QUARTER
FOR THIS WEEK'S LOTTERY.
OH, FORGET THE
LOTTERY, FORGET IT.
I'VE BEEN TRYIN' THE
LOTTERY FOR TWO YEARS NOW.
I NEVER WON A DIME.
YOU DON'T WANT IT?
NAH, YOU KEEP IT.
VINNIE-WINNIE, GUESS WHAT?
THAT'S... THAT'S THE...
THAT'S THE BURPING MANIAC.
TIME FOR EATIE-POO.
OH, THAT'S GOODIE.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
WHAT I HAD TODAY?
I HAD A POACHED
EGGIE, AND I HAD TOASTIE,
AND I HAD JAMMIE.
WELL, FOR DIN-DIN,
YOU'RE HAVING SOUPIE AND CHICKIE
AND CAULIFLOWIE.
CAULIFLOWIE?
CAN I, UH, TALK TO YOU A SECOND?
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY
A HIGHLY-TRAINED PROFESSIONAL,
BUT WHY ARE YOU
TREATING HIM LIKE A BABY?
WHY DON'T YOU, UH,
TREAT HIM LIKE A MAN?
OH, I TRIED THAT.
LAST NIGHT.
IT, UH, TOOK TWO ORDERLIES
TO PULL HIM OFF ME.
OKAY, LISTEN, IF
YOU WANT TO HELP
MRS. KOTTER WITH THE BABIES,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
LEARN ABOUT BURPING.
HEY, COME ON, YOU DON'T
GOT TO TELL ME ABOUT BURPING.
I MEAN, I CAN BURP, YOU
KNOW, RIGHT ON CUE,
YOU WANT TO HEAR ME?
N-N-NO THANKS, ALL RIGHT?
GO AHEAD, WENDY, CONTINUE.
OKAY.
LOOK, PLACE THE BABY
ON YOUR SHOULDER
AND PAT IT GENTLY
ON THE BACK, OKAY?
THAT'S EASY.
- SO, WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
- TERRIBLE!
YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'
ABOUT BABIES, GIVE ME THAT BABY,
LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW TO BURP THIS BABY.
COME ON, THAT'S MY BABY.
IT'S MY BABY!
BOYS, DON'T FIGHT!
BOYS!
EPSTEIN, YOU KEEP THE DOLL.
WASHINGTON, I'LL BUY YOU
A NICE, LITTLE TEA
SET TO PLAY WITH.
HEY, MR. WOODMAN,
WE WAS JUST PRACTICING
IN CASE MRS. KOTTER
NEEDS SOME EXTRA HELP.
OH, I THINK JULIE'S
QUITE CAPABLE
OF HANDLING KOTTER ON HER OWN.
YOU GET IT... HANDLING KOTTER,
BURPING KOTTER,
CHANGING KOTTER'S DIAPERS?
YOU PEOPLE HAVE
NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
OH, UH, KOTTER.
THEY'RE PRACTICING
IN CASE YOUR WIFE
NEEDS HELP CHANGING YOU.
NO MORE DIAPER RASH,
KOTTER. FUNNY STUFF, HUH?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WITHOUT
YOUR MEDICATION, MR. WOODMAN?
YOU'RE A COLD PERSON, KOTTER.
YOU'RE A VERY COLD PERSON.
OH, LOOK, EPSTEIN'S
GOT A NICE DOLL.
WASHINGTON, MAYBE I'LL BUY
YOU A NICE, LITTLE TEA SET.
THAT'S MY JOKE, KOTTER!
VACATION, MR. WOODMAN.
HEY, YOU GUYS!
YOU GUYS, WE WON!
WE WON THE LOTTERY!
WE WON A MILLION
BUCKS? A MILLION BUCKS?
WELL, NOT EXACTLY,
BUT WE MADE IT
TO THE SEMI-FINALS,
AND SO FAR WE'VE WON
A THOUSAND DOLLARS!
WE'RE THOUSANDAIRES!
WE WON, I DON'T BELIEVE
IT, WE WON, WE WON!
"WE," MR. KOTTER?
US.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
US.
LITTLE JUAN AND BIG FREDDIE
AND ME, AND LET US
NOT FORGET VINCENT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN I
WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, VINNIE...
CONGRATULATIONS.
COME ON, LET'S GO OVER
TO THE HOSPITAL, HUH?
THIS IS REALLY GONNA
CHEER VINNIE UP.
OH, HE'S GONNA BE SO HAPPY!
♪
OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY.
OH BOY.
GABE, I COULD USE A
LITTLE HELP OUT HERE.
- BE RIGHT IN.
- OKAY.
I NEED HELP CHANGING A
BABY, NOT DELIVERING ONE.
GERMS, YOU WANT ME
TO GIVE THE GIRLS GERMS?
MINE'S DRY.
MINE'S NOT.
GABE.
HOW COME I ALWAYS
GET THE WET ONE?
OH, SHE'S JUST
SHOWING OFF FOR DADDY.
WE GOT TO BREAK HER OF THIS
HABIT BEFORE SHE STARTS DATING.
HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO ABOUT VINNIE'S LOTTERY TICKET?
WELL, I TOLD YOU.
TECHNICALLY, LEGALLY,
MORALLY, THE MONEY'S MINE.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
GIVE IT ALL TO VINNIE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT'S
THE RIGHT THING?
JULIE, YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING...
- HONEY...
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
SHE'S WET AGAIN.
I'M SIMPLY SUGGESTING
THAT IF YOU HAND THE MONEY
OVER TO VINNIE, YOU'RE JUST
GONNA BE REWARDING HIM
FOR BREAKING AN
AGREEMENT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU'RE ALL WET!
I AM NOT.
JULIE, I WAS
TALKING TO THE BABY.
OH!
YOU GET THAT, I'LL CHANGE HER.
GO AHEAD.
OH, HI, ARNOLD.
HI, MR. KOTTER!
MRS. KOTTER!
OH, THE LITTLE BA... OH!
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING
OVER VINNIE'S HOMEWORK.
WELL, WHERE IS IT?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL
YOU THAT I GOT HELD UP
BY THE HOMEWORK MUGGER.
WAS I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE IT?
OH, MR. KOTTER,
YOU SHOULDA SEEN VINNIE'S FACE
WHEN WE TOLD HIM ABOUT
WINNING THE LOTTERY TICKET.
HE WAS SO EXCITED,
HE DROPPED HIS NURSE.
ARNOLD, AT, UH, THREE O'CLOCK,
MR. KOTTER STOPS BEING
TEACHER AND STARTS BEING DADDY.
OH, I SEE, MRS...
I UNDERSTAND, SAY
NOT ANOTHER WORD.
DADDY!
VINNIE WAS TRANSFORMED,
JUST LIKE A NEW MAN,
FULL OF PLANS FOR THE FUTURE.
HE IS EVEN THINKING OF STARTING
THE VINCENT BARBARINO
HOME FOR THE INCURABLY SEXY.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT,
DIDN'T VINNIE SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU ABOUT, UH...
ABOUT ANYTHING?
WE TALKED ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT WE DIDN'T TALK
ABOUT ANYTHING.
HEY, I GOTTA GO.
THEY'RE HAVIN' A BIG
SALE OVER AT CORVETTE'S...
ON SLIGHT IRREGULARS.
THIS MAY COME AS A
SHOCK TO YOU, MR. KOTTER,
BUT I AM SLIGHTLY IRREGULAR.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T
BELIEVE VINNIE.
I MEAN, AT LEAST HE
COULD HAVE WAITED
UNTIL I GAVE HIM THE MONEY
BEFORE HE STARTED TO SPEND IT.
HONEY, YOU KNOW, THAT
MONEY IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS.
WE COULD USE IT.
OH, COME ON, WE'D JUST
WASTE IT ON LUXURIES.
YEAH.
LIKE FOOD.
AND CLOTHES FOR THE BABIES.
HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA ABOUT THAT.
WHY DON'T WE JUST BUY ONE
SET OF CLOTHES AND XEROX IT?
I TELL YOU WHAT,
I'LL GO SEE VINNIE.
OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING, JULIE?
IN THIS DAY AND AGE, YOU
CAN STILL GET SUCH A BARGAIN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
FOR 25 CENTS, LOOK AT ALL
THE AGGRAVATION I BOUGHT.
♪
OH, THAT'S NICE.
LISTEN, DOLL,
IF YOU DO THAT HAND AS
WELL AS YOU DID THIS HAND,
I MIGHT BUY YOU THAT
RING I PROMISED YOU.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
GABRIEL, MY BOY!
HOW NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY.
CARE FOR A BONBON?
NURSE, COULD YOU LEAVE
US ALONE FOR A WHILE?
I THINK THIS MIGHT GET MESSY.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE BACK FOR THE
MUDPACK AT FIVE, V-R-B.
V-R-B?
YEAH, I'M GONNA BUY
ME A MIDDLE INITIAL.
IT'S REAL CLASSY-LIKE.
YOU KNOW, VINNIE, I
THINK IT'S REALLY NICE
THAT YOU'RE SPENDING MY
MONEY LIKE IT WAS YOURS.
YOUR MONEY?
YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
I BOUGHT YOUR SHARE
OF THE LOTTERY THIS WEEK.
OH, I GOT... I GOT THAT
QUARTER FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
HOW ARE THE TWINS?
ARE THEY HOUSEBROKEN
YET OR WHAT?
VINNIE, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT SOMETHING
A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.
WHAT?
YOUR WORD.
OH, MY WORD AIN'T WORTH NOTHIN'.
IT AIN'T WORTH A DIME.
ASK ANYBODY.
VINNIE!
COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
I'VE BEEN IN THIS
TWO YEARS ALREADY.
YOU'RE JUST STARTIN' OUT,
I GOT A BIGGER
INVESTMENT THAN YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
TAKE THE ROBE, I
HATE IT, IT ITCHES.
GO ON, IT'S YOUR MONEY.
THAT'S WHAT I WANTED
TO HEAR YOU SAY.
OKAY, VIN.
I TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.
WE'LL SPLIT EVERYTHING
RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE,
50-50, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WHO GETS THE 50?
WE BOTH DO, PARTNERS.
OH, PARTNERS-LIKE.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
HEY, WE GOTTA CELEBRATE.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU,
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
LOOK AT THAT, CHECK IT OUT.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S MY HOMEWORK.
THIS IS YOUR HOMEWORK?
I WAS SICK!
♪
JUST THINK, IN ONLY
TWO MAGICAL MINUTES,
THE LOWLY POOR WILL
BECOME THE HEARTY RICH!
DON'T BECOME SO HEARTY
YET, ARNOLD, WE HAVEN'T WON.
COME ON IN, EPSTEIN.
HEY, JUAN.
SIT DOWN.
EPSTEIN, WHAT'S
THAT SATCHEL FOR?
IT'S FOR THE MONEY.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO,
STUFF 250 G'S IN MY POCKET?
HEY, JUAN, UM, THEY
GONNA GIVE US A CHECK.
OH, NO, I DON'T TAKE
CHECKS, CHECKS BOUNCE.
THIS ONE'S GONNA BE
FROM NEW YORK STATE.
ESPECIALLY THOSE.
WELL, UH, I FINALLY DECIDED
WHAT I'M GONNA DO
WITH MY FORTUNE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT?
WELL, YOU SEE, I'M REAL TIRED
OF SEEIN' MY POOR
MAMA BREAKIN' HER BACK
YEAR AFTER YEAR,
PUTTIN' ALL THAT
OLD, DIRTY LAUNDRY
ON THAT OLD CLOTHESLINE.
OH, THAT'S NICE, FREDDIE,
YOU'RE GONNA BUY HER
LIKE A WASHER AND DRYER?
NO, I WAS GONNA BUY
HER A NEW CLOTHESLINE.
HOW ABOUT YOURSELF?
ME, I'M HAPPY, I
DON'T NEED ANYTHING.
I GOT A JOB I REALLY LOVE,
A BEAUTIFUL WIFE, TWO
TERRIFIC NEW BABIES.
I'M HAPPY.
WELL, SHOULD BE
JUST ABOUT TIME, HUH?
AND NOW THE MILLION
DOLLAR MOMENT IS HERE.
COME ON, I NEED THE MONEY!
ALL THE NAMES AND
NUMBERS OF THE FINALISTS
ARE IN THIS BOWL.
WE'RE READY, POP.
JUST DROP IT RIGHT IN
HERE, AND REMEMBER,
NO PENNIES!
I WISH YOU ALL GOOD LUCK.
I AM NOW DIPPING MY
HAND INTO THE BOWL.
DON'T DIP IT.
SHOVE IT DOWN DEEP.
DEEPER! DEEPER!
I'M SORRY.
I HAVE THE NAME IN MY HAND.
JUAN... I CAN'T MAKE
OUT HIS LAST NAME.
EPSTEIN! JUAN EPSTEIN!
E-P-S-T-E-I-N, EPSTEIN!
IT'S EP-SOMETHING.
COME ON, SAY IT!
EP... EP... EPPINGER.
JUAN EPPINGER.
YOU, JUAN EPPINGER, HAVE
WON A MILLION DOLLARS.
THAT'S ME.
I WON.
I AM JUAN EPPINGER.
DON'T LET THE "EPSTEIN" FOOL YA.
IT WAS A FAMILY
NAME, WE CHANGED IT
WHEN WE FIRST CAME
TO THIS COUNTRY.
- EPSTEIN, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- I'VE GOT DOCUMENTS.
I'VE GOT PAPERS!
EPSTEIN GOES ALL THE WAY
BACK TO THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS!
EPSTEIN, TAKE IT EASY.
TAKE IT EASY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
WE WON $250 EACH.
TAKE IT EASY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
JUST CHECK THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS.
♪
WE CAME CLOSE, HUH?
SO WHAT, I MEAN, WHO
NEEDS A MILLION DOLLARS?
LISTEN, DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE EDDIE?
HE WAS A THIEF, YOU KNOW,
HE WANTED A MILLION DOLLARS,
WANTED TO ROB A
BANK, YOU KNOW, TRAIN...
NEVER MADE IT, WAS
ALWAYS A SMALL-TIME CROOK.
IN FACT, ONE TIME HE WAS
WALKIN' DOWN THE STREETS
IN NEW YORK CITY, YOU
KNOW, WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND,
AND HE SAW A DIAMOND
BRACELET IN THE WINDOW,
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SAID...
LISTEN, THIS IS FUNNY...
HIS GIRLFRIEND SAID, "EDDIE,
COULD YOU GET ME THAT BRACELET?"
SO HE TAKES A BRICK, THROWS
IT THROUGH THE WINDOW,
AND GRABS THE BRACELET.
THEN THEY'RE WALKIN',
THEY KEEP WALKIN',
SHE SEES A BIG FUR
COAT IN THE WINDOW.
SHE SAYS, "EDDIE, COULD
YOU GET ME THAT FUR COAT?"
HE TAKES A BRICK, THROWS
IT THROUGH THE WINDOW,
GETS HER THE FUR COAT.
THEN THEY'RE WALKING THROUGH
THE MOST EXPENSIVE STORE
ON 5TH AVENUE, RIGHT?
AND SHE SEES A BEAUTIFUL DRESS,
AND SHE SAYS, "EDDIE, COULD
YOU GET ME THAT DRESS?"
AND HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS,
"WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I'M MADE OUT OF BRICKS?"
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I
THINK HOW YOU... ♪♪
OH, THIS IS A TERRIFIC
BOOK ON REINCARNATION.
HEY, I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY AUNT BRENDA
WHO REALLY BELIEVED
IN REINCARNATION?
NO, GO AHEAD.
WELL, MY UNCLE SIDNEY
DIED ABOUT TEN YEARS AGO,
SO SHE WENT TO A SEANCE
TO TRY TO RAISE UP HIS SPIRIT,
AND SHE SAID, "SIDNEY...
SIDNEY, CAN YOU
HEAR ME, SIDNEY?"
HE SAID, "YEAH, I HEAR YOU."
SHE SAID, "SIDNEY, HOW ARE YOU?"
"A LOT BETTER OFF THAN
WHEN I WAS WITH YOU."
"SIDNEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
HE SAID, "MY LIFE IS TERRIFIC.
I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING,
HAVE BREAKFAST, AND MAKE LOVE.
HAVE LUNCH, THEN MAKE LOVE.
HAVE DINNER, THEN MAKE LOVE."
SHE SAYS, "ARE YOU IN HEAVEN?"
HE SAID, "NO, I'M A
BULL IN MONTANA."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
- HEY, EVERYBODY.
- HEY, WHAT'S UP?
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
ME AND WENDY ARE GOIN' STEADY.
TERRIFIC! CONGRATULATIONS!
YEAH, I JUST PINNED HER,
BEST THREE OUT OF FIVE.
WHAT A LOVELY COUPLE.
WENDY'S REALLY HAPPY, AIN'T YA?
OH, I'M REALLY HAPPY, I AM.
YEAH, BUT, UM, DID YOU PICK
UP THAT LOTTERY TICKET?
OH, YEAH. OH, YEAH, YEAH.
GOT IT RIGHT HERE,
GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
EVERYBODY COUGH
UP THEIR QUARTER NOW.
HERE'S MY MONEY, LITTLE JUAN.
ALL RIGHT, BEST
INVESTMENT YOU EVER MADE.
- OH, JUAN'S RIGHT!
- YEAH, YEAH.
THIS WEEK, WE'RE REALLY
GONNA HIT THE OLE JACKPOT.
OH, HE'S RIGHT, HE'S RIGHT.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT,
BUT YOU SAID THAT LAST WEEK.
HEY, BUT JUAN WAS
RIGHT LAST WEEK.
THAT'S RIGHT, I WAS
RIGHT LAST WEEK.
THE PEOPLE DOWN AT
THE LOTTERY WAS WRONG.
GOOD MORNING.
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU GUYS ARE STILL THROWING
YOUR MONEY AWAY ON THE LOTTERY.
UH, MR. KOTTER, I CAN FEEL IT.
LOOK, THIS TIME WE BOUGHT
THE MILLION DOLLAR TICKET.
LET ME TELL YOU
GUYS A LITTLE STORY.
WHEN I WAS A YOUNG LAD,
I ASKED MY UNCLE
MANNY, THE ACCOUNTANT,
I SAID, "MANNY, I WANT
TO HAVE A LOT OF MONEY."
HE SAID, "GABE, YOU
WANT A MILLION DOLLARS?
THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY:
EMBEZZLE IT."
YEAH.
YOU GET IT? HE WAS
AN ACCOUNTANT.
WAIT, MR. KOTTER.
YOU SEE, UM, OUR MONEY,
WE AIN'T THROWIN' IT AWAY.
SEE, WHAT WE...
WHAT WE'RE DOIN' IS WE'RE BUYIN'
A PIECE OF THE DREAM.
WE'RE BUYIN' A ONE-WAY TICKET
TO THE GOOD LIFE, YOU HEAR ME?
TO THE GOOD LIFE!
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
FAME AND FORTUNE.
WHAT AM I TALKIN' ABOUT?
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT WEALTH.
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT WEALTH,
THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT!
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT WEALTH, I
WANTS TO HEAR IT IN MY HEAD.
YOU'RE TALKIN' ABOUT POWER.
POWER, POWER!
AND WEALTH, AND POSITION,
AND A CHANCE FOR THE
BETTERING OF YOUR SOUL!
CAN I GET A AMEN?
CAN I GET A AMEN?
SIT DOWN.
THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH.
OKAY, NOW, NEED I
REMIND YOU PEOPLE
THAT THIS IS A
CLASSROOM, NOT A CASINO.
OH.
NO WONDER WHY WE
AIN'T WON NOTHING.
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN!
OKAY, NOW, HOMEWORK, I
WOULD LIKE YOUR HOMEWORK,
WHICH COVERED THE
INDUSTRIAL REVOLUTION.
PLEASE PASS IT TO MY
RIGHT, WHICH IS YOUR LEFT,
WHICH IS THIS WAY.
LOOK AT ME, LOOK, LOOK AT ME.
THIS WAY.
OH, THAT WAY!
DID ANYONE VISIT VINNIE
TODAY AT THE HOSPITAL?
WHO WANTS TO VISIT A DYING MAN?
HE IS NOT DYING,
HE HAS JUST HAD
HIS TONSILS REMOVED.
I GOTTA STOP BY AND
SEE VINNIE MYSELF TODAY.
I GOTTA TELL HIM
WOODMAN'S GONNA LET HIM
TAKE THAT MAKE-UP TEST.
IF YOU'RE GONNA
GO BY THE HOSPITAL,
COULD YOU GIVE THIS TO VINNIE?
FROM ALL OF US TO ALL OF HIM.
OH, YOU GOT HIM A
LITTLE SOMETHING?
THAT'S REALLY
NICE OF YOU PEOPLE.
WHAT IS IT?
IT'S A... YOU KNOW,
IT'S A GET WELL CARD.
OOH!
THIS GIRL LOOKS
VERY HEALTHY TO ME.
AND MR. KOTTER, COULD YOU PUT UP
VINNIE'S QUARTER FOR
THIS WEEK'S LOTTERY?
YOU WANT A QUARTER FROM ME?
ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY?
I AM THE FATHER OF TWINS.
I DO NOT HAVE ANY
EXTRA QUARTERS.
I'M SAVING THEM ALL
FOR THE TOOTH FAIRY.
HE'S GONNA VISIT
MY HOUSE 64 TIMES.
NOW, COME ON, MR. KOTTER.
YOU KNOW VINNIE, HE
GONNA GIVE IT BACK TO YOU.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, IF I GIVE
YOU PEOPLE A QUARTER,
CAN WE GET ON WITH THE LESSON?
WE ARE HERE TO LEARN,
MR. KOTTER-R-R-R-R-R.
OKAY, HERE YOU GO.
I GOT IT!
HERE YOU GO, VINNIE.
WELL, THANK YOU, VINNIE, MY MAN.
I KNEW YOU WAS
GOOD FOR THE BREAD.
ALL RIGHT, WE WILL CONTINUE
WITH TODAY'S LESSON.
NO MORE INTERRUPTIONS.
SORRY TO INTERRUPT, KOTTER, I...
I JUST CAME BY TO PICK UP YOUR
MONTHLY PROGRESS REPORT.
- WHERE IS IT?
- IT'S ON THE DESK.
OOH!
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S NOT IT.
KOTTER, I THOUGHT YOU TAUGHT
SOCIAL STUDIES, NOT ANATOMY.
WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?
THAT'S NOT IT,
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S A...
GET WELL CARD FOR VINNIE.
OH, I SEE.
WELL, UH, IF YOU DON'T MIND,
I'LL JUST TAKE THIS
BACK TO MY OFFICE
AND ADD A FEW
SENTIMENTS OF MY OWN.
IT'S SHAMEFUL, KOTTER.
IT'S... IT'S JUST SHAMEFUL.
♪
ISN'T THAT A NICE TRAIN?
CHOO-CHOO.
CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA.
DOES TEDDY LIKE THE CHOO-CHOO?
DOES HE?
THAT'S GOOD.
WOULD TEDDY LIKE TO TAKE
A RIDE ON THE CHOO-CHOO?
NO?
TEDDY DON'T WANT TO TAKE
A RIDE ON THE CHOO-CHOO?
WELL THEN MAYBE THE CHOO-CHOO
SHOULD TAKE A RIDE
ON TEDDY'S FACE.
VINNIE, DID THEY REMOVE
YOUR TONSILS OR YOUR BRAIN?
HEY, WELCOME TO THE NURSERY.
VINNIE, LISTEN, I GOT
GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.
MR. WOODMAN HAS DECIDED TO
LET YOU TAKE THE MAKE-UP TEST.
I GOT SOME HOMEWORK
I WANT YOU TO DO.
THE TEST IS GONNA BE A
WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY.
UH, I CAN'T MAKE IT A
WEEK FROM WEDNESDAY.
I GOT A DATE.
LISTEN, YOU'VE BEEN DRIVING
ME CRAZY FOR TWO WEEKS.
TAKE A MAKE-UP TEST, YOU
WANT TO GET INTO THE 11TH GRADE.
COME ON, THEY DON'T
TAKE BABIES IN 11TH GRADE.
I GOT A BABY DISEASE.
VINNIE, LISTEN, A LOT OF ADULTS
HAVE THEIR TONSILS REMOVED.
OH, YEAH, WELL HOW
COME LAST NIGHT
THE NURSE HAD TO
COME IN AND BURP ME?
IF I KNOW YOU, SAILOR,
YOU PROBABLY TRIED
TO BURP HER FIRST.
WELL, EVEN SO...
BARBARINO, NOW LOOK...
DON'T LOOK AT ME, ALL RIGHT?
I JUST HAD A MAJOR OPERATION.
VINNIE, GET BACK IN BED.
CARRY ME.
VINNIE!
ALL RIGHT, GABE.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN.
I WANT YOU TO DO
ALL THIS STUFF HERE.
START OVER HERE AND YOU
GO ALL THE WAY TO THE END.
BY THE WAY, YOU
OWE ME A QUARTER.
OH, NOW I GOTTA START
PAYIN' YOU TO COME VISIT ME?
NO, I PUT IN YOUR QUARTER
FOR THIS WEEK'S LOTTERY.
OH, FORGET THE
LOTTERY, FORGET IT.
I'VE BEEN TRYIN' THE
LOTTERY FOR TWO YEARS NOW.
I NEVER WON A DIME.
YOU DON'T WANT IT?
NAH, YOU KEEP IT.
VINNIE-WINNIE, GUESS WHAT?
THAT'S... THAT'S THE...
THAT'S THE BURPING MANIAC.
TIME FOR EATIE-POO.
OH, THAT'S GOODIE.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW
WHAT I HAD TODAY?
I HAD A POACHED
EGGIE, AND I HAD TOASTIE,
AND I HAD JAMMIE.
WELL, FOR DIN-DIN,
YOU'RE HAVING SOUPIE AND CHICKIE
AND CAULIFLOWIE.
CAULIFLOWIE?
CAN I, UH, TALK TO YOU A SECOND?
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE PROBABLY
A HIGHLY-TRAINED PROFESSIONAL,
BUT WHY ARE YOU
TREATING HIM LIKE A BABY?
WHY DON'T YOU, UH,
TREAT HIM LIKE A MAN?
OH, I TRIED THAT.
LAST NIGHT.
IT, UH, TOOK TWO ORDERLIES
TO PULL HIM OFF ME.
OKAY, LISTEN, IF
YOU WANT TO HELP
MRS. KOTTER WITH THE BABIES,
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
LEARN ABOUT BURPING.
HEY, COME ON, YOU DON'T
GOT TO TELL ME ABOUT BURPING.
I MEAN, I CAN BURP, YOU
KNOW, RIGHT ON CUE,
YOU WANT TO HEAR ME?
N-N-NO THANKS, ALL RIGHT?
GO AHEAD, WENDY, CONTINUE.
OKAY.
LOOK, PLACE THE BABY
ON YOUR SHOULDER
AND PAT IT GENTLY
ON THE BACK, OKAY?
THAT'S EASY.
- SO, WHAT ELSE IS NEW?
- TERRIBLE!
YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHIN'
ABOUT BABIES, GIVE ME THAT BABY,
LET ME SHOW YOU
HOW TO BURP THIS BABY.
COME ON, THAT'S MY BABY.
IT'S MY BABY!
BOYS, DON'T FIGHT!
BOYS!
EPSTEIN, YOU KEEP THE DOLL.
WASHINGTON, I'LL BUY YOU
A NICE, LITTLE TEA
SET TO PLAY WITH.
HEY, MR. WOODMAN,
WE WAS JUST PRACTICING
IN CASE MRS. KOTTER
NEEDS SOME EXTRA HELP.
OH, I THINK JULIE'S
QUITE CAPABLE
OF HANDLING KOTTER ON HER OWN.
YOU GET IT... HANDLING KOTTER,
BURPING KOTTER,
CHANGING KOTTER'S DIAPERS?
YOU PEOPLE HAVE
NO SENSE OF HUMOR.
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
OH, UH, KOTTER.
THEY'RE PRACTICING
IN CASE YOUR WIFE
NEEDS HELP CHANGING YOU.
NO MORE DIAPER RASH,
KOTTER. FUNNY STUFF, HUH?
HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN WITHOUT
YOUR MEDICATION, MR. WOODMAN?
YOU'RE A COLD PERSON, KOTTER.
YOU'RE A VERY COLD PERSON.
OH, LOOK, EPSTEIN'S
GOT A NICE DOLL.
WASHINGTON, MAYBE I'LL BUY
YOU A NICE, LITTLE TEA SET.
THAT'S MY JOKE, KOTTER!
VACATION, MR. WOODMAN.
HEY, YOU GUYS!
YOU GUYS, WE WON!
WE WON THE LOTTERY!
WE WON A MILLION
BUCKS? A MILLION BUCKS?
WELL, NOT EXACTLY,
BUT WE MADE IT
TO THE SEMI-FINALS,
AND SO FAR WE'VE WON
A THOUSAND DOLLARS!
WE'RE THOUSANDAIRES!
WE WON, I DON'T BELIEVE
IT, WE WON, WE WON!
"WE," MR. KOTTER?
US.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
US.
LITTLE JUAN AND BIG FREDDIE
AND ME, AND LET US
NOT FORGET VINCENT.
YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE, WHEN I
WENT TO THE HOSPITAL, VINNIE...
CONGRATULATIONS.
COME ON, LET'S GO OVER
TO THE HOSPITAL, HUH?
THIS IS REALLY GONNA
CHEER VINNIE UP.
OH, HE'S GONNA BE SO HAPPY!
♪
OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY, OH BOY.
OH BOY.
GABE, I COULD USE A
LITTLE HELP OUT HERE.
- BE RIGHT IN.
- OKAY.
I NEED HELP CHANGING A
BABY, NOT DELIVERING ONE.
GERMS, YOU WANT ME
TO GIVE THE GIRLS GERMS?
MINE'S DRY.
MINE'S NOT.
GABE.
HOW COME I ALWAYS
GET THE WET ONE?
OH, SHE'S JUST
SHOWING OFF FOR DADDY.
WE GOT TO BREAK HER OF THIS
HABIT BEFORE SHE STARTS DATING.
HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO ABOUT VINNIE'S LOTTERY TICKET?
WELL, I TOLD YOU.
TECHNICALLY, LEGALLY,
MORALLY, THE MONEY'S MINE.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
GIVE IT ALL TO VINNIE.
ARE YOU SURE THAT'S
THE RIGHT THING?
JULIE, YOU'RE NOT SUGGESTING...
- HONEY...
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
SHE'S WET AGAIN.
I'M SIMPLY SUGGESTING
THAT IF YOU HAND THE MONEY
OVER TO VINNIE, YOU'RE JUST
GONNA BE REWARDING HIM
FOR BREAKING AN
AGREEMENT, THAT'S ALL.
YOU'RE ALL WET!
I AM NOT.
JULIE, I WAS
TALKING TO THE BABY.
OH!
YOU GET THAT, I'LL CHANGE HER.
GO AHEAD.
OH, HI, ARNOLD.
HI, MR. KOTTER!
MRS. KOTTER!
OH, THE LITTLE BA... OH!
I WAS SUPPOSED TO BRING
OVER VINNIE'S HOMEWORK.
WELL, WHERE IS IT?
I WAS SUPPOSED TO TELL
YOU THAT I GOT HELD UP
BY THE HOMEWORK MUGGER.
WAS I SUPPOSED TO BELIEVE IT?
OH, MR. KOTTER,
YOU SHOULDA SEEN VINNIE'S FACE
WHEN WE TOLD HIM ABOUT
WINNING THE LOTTERY TICKET.
HE WAS SO EXCITED,
HE DROPPED HIS NURSE.
ARNOLD, AT, UH, THREE O'CLOCK,
MR. KOTTER STOPS BEING
TEACHER AND STARTS BEING DADDY.
OH, I SEE, MRS...
I UNDERSTAND, SAY
NOT ANOTHER WORD.
DADDY!
VINNIE WAS TRANSFORMED,
JUST LIKE A NEW MAN,
FULL OF PLANS FOR THE FUTURE.
HE IS EVEN THINKING OF STARTING
THE VINCENT BARBARINO
HOME FOR THE INCURABLY SEXY.
I DON'T BELIEVE IT,
DIDN'T VINNIE SAY
ANYTHING TO YOU ABOUT, UH...
ABOUT ANYTHING?
WE TALKED ABOUT A LOT OF THINGS,
BUT WE DIDN'T TALK
ABOUT ANYTHING.
HEY, I GOTTA GO.
THEY'RE HAVIN' A BIG
SALE OVER AT CORVETTE'S...
ON SLIGHT IRREGULARS.
THIS MAY COME AS A
SHOCK TO YOU, MR. KOTTER,
BUT I AM SLIGHTLY IRREGULAR.
WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T
BELIEVE VINNIE.
I MEAN, AT LEAST HE
COULD HAVE WAITED
UNTIL I GAVE HIM THE MONEY
BEFORE HE STARTED TO SPEND IT.
HONEY, YOU KNOW, THAT
MONEY IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS.
WE COULD USE IT.
OH, COME ON, WE'D JUST
WASTE IT ON LUXURIES.
YEAH.
LIKE FOOD.
AND CLOTHES FOR THE BABIES.
HEY, I HAVE AN IDEA ABOUT THAT.
WHY DON'T WE JUST BUY ONE
SET OF CLOTHES AND XEROX IT?
I TELL YOU WHAT,
I'LL GO SEE VINNIE.
OKAY, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING, JULIE?
IN THIS DAY AND AGE, YOU
CAN STILL GET SUCH A BARGAIN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
FOR 25 CENTS, LOOK AT ALL
THE AGGRAVATION I BOUGHT.
♪
OH, THAT'S NICE.
LISTEN, DOLL,
IF YOU DO THAT HAND AS
WELL AS YOU DID THIS HAND,
I MIGHT BUY YOU THAT
RING I PROMISED YOU.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
GABRIEL, MY BOY!
HOW NICE OF YOU TO DROP BY.
CARE FOR A BONBON?
NURSE, COULD YOU LEAVE
US ALONE FOR A WHILE?
I THINK THIS MIGHT GET MESSY.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE BACK FOR THE
MUDPACK AT FIVE, V-R-B.
V-R-B?
YEAH, I'M GONNA BUY
ME A MIDDLE INITIAL.
IT'S REAL CLASSY-LIKE.
YOU KNOW, VINNIE, I
THINK IT'S REALLY NICE
THAT YOU'RE SPENDING MY
MONEY LIKE IT WAS YOURS.
YOUR MONEY?
YEAH, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
I BOUGHT YOUR SHARE
OF THE LOTTERY THIS WEEK.
OH, I GOT... I GOT THAT
QUARTER FOR YOU RIGHT HERE.
THAT'S NO PROBLEM.
HOW ARE THE TWINS?
ARE THEY HOUSEBROKEN
YET OR WHAT?
VINNIE, WE'RE TALKING
ABOUT SOMETHING
A LOT MORE IMPORTANT THAN MONEY.
WHAT?
YOUR WORD.
OH, MY WORD AIN'T WORTH NOTHIN'.
IT AIN'T WORTH A DIME.
ASK ANYBODY.
VINNIE!
COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
I'VE BEEN IN THIS
TWO YEARS ALREADY.
YOU'RE JUST STARTIN' OUT,
I GOT A BIGGER
INVESTMENT THAN YOU.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
TAKE THE ROBE, I
HATE IT, IT ITCHES.
GO ON, IT'S YOUR MONEY.
THAT'S WHAT I WANTED
TO HEAR YOU SAY.
OKAY, VIN.
I TELL YOU WHAT WE'LL DO.
WE'LL SPLIT EVERYTHING
RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE,
50-50, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
WHO GETS THE 50?
WE BOTH DO, PARTNERS.
OH, PARTNERS-LIKE.
OH, THAT'S GOOD.
HEY, WE GOTTA CELEBRATE.
I KNOW, I KNOW, I GOT
SOMETHING FOR YOU.
I GOT SOMETHING FOR YOU,
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.
LOOK AT THAT, CHECK IT OUT.
WHAT'S THIS?
THAT'S MY HOMEWORK.
THIS IS YOUR HOMEWORK?
I WAS SICK!
♪
JUST THINK, IN ONLY
TWO MAGICAL MINUTES,
THE LOWLY POOR WILL
BECOME THE HEARTY RICH!
DON'T BECOME SO HEARTY
YET, ARNOLD, WE HAVEN'T WON.
COME ON IN, EPSTEIN.
HEY, JUAN.
SIT DOWN.
EPSTEIN, WHAT'S
THAT SATCHEL FOR?
IT'S FOR THE MONEY.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO,
STUFF 250 G'S IN MY POCKET?
HEY, JUAN, UM, THEY
GONNA GIVE US A CHECK.
OH, NO, I DON'T TAKE
CHECKS, CHECKS BOUNCE.
THIS ONE'S GONNA BE
FROM NEW YORK STATE.
ESPECIALLY THOSE.
WELL, UH, I FINALLY DECIDED
WHAT I'M GONNA DO
WITH MY FORTUNE.
OH, YEAH? WHAT?
WELL, YOU SEE, I'M REAL TIRED
OF SEEIN' MY POOR
MAMA BREAKIN' HER BACK
YEAR AFTER YEAR,
PUTTIN' ALL THAT
OLD, DIRTY LAUNDRY
ON THAT OLD CLOTHESLINE.
OH, THAT'S NICE, FREDDIE,
YOU'RE GONNA BUY HER
LIKE A WASHER AND DRYER?
NO, I WAS GONNA BUY
HER A NEW CLOTHESLINE.
HOW ABOUT YOURSELF?
ME, I'M HAPPY, I
DON'T NEED ANYTHING.
I GOT A JOB I REALLY LOVE,
A BEAUTIFUL WIFE, TWO
TERRIFIC NEW BABIES.
I'M HAPPY.
WELL, SHOULD BE
JUST ABOUT TIME, HUH?
AND NOW THE MILLION
DOLLAR MOMENT IS HERE.
COME ON, I NEED THE MONEY!
ALL THE NAMES AND
NUMBERS OF THE FINALISTS
ARE IN THIS BOWL.
WE'RE READY, POP.
JUST DROP IT RIGHT IN
HERE, AND REMEMBER,
NO PENNIES!
I WISH YOU ALL GOOD LUCK.
I AM NOW DIPPING MY
HAND INTO THE BOWL.
DON'T DIP IT.
SHOVE IT DOWN DEEP.
DEEPER! DEEPER!
I'M SORRY.
I HAVE THE NAME IN MY HAND.
JUAN... I CAN'T MAKE
OUT HIS LAST NAME.
EPSTEIN! JUAN EPSTEIN!
E-P-S-T-E-I-N, EPSTEIN!
IT'S EP-SOMETHING.
COME ON, SAY IT!
EP... EP... EPPINGER.
JUAN EPPINGER.
YOU, JUAN EPPINGER, HAVE
WON A MILLION DOLLARS.
THAT'S ME.
I WON.
I AM JUAN EPPINGER.
DON'T LET THE "EPSTEIN" FOOL YA.
IT WAS A FAMILY
NAME, WE CHANGED IT
WHEN WE FIRST CAME
TO THIS COUNTRY.
- EPSTEIN, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
- I'VE GOT DOCUMENTS.
I'VE GOT PAPERS!
EPSTEIN GOES ALL THE WAY
BACK TO THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS!
EPSTEIN, TAKE IT EASY.
TAKE IT EASY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT,
WE WON $250 EACH.
TAKE IT EASY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
JUST CHECK THE DEAD SEA SCROLLS.
♪
WE CAME CLOSE, HUH?
SO WHAT, I MEAN, WHO
NEEDS A MILLION DOLLARS?
LISTEN, DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE EDDIE?
HE WAS A THIEF, YOU KNOW,
HE WANTED A MILLION DOLLARS,
WANTED TO ROB A
BANK, YOU KNOW, TRAIN...
NEVER MADE IT, WAS
ALWAYS A SMALL-TIME CROOK.
IN FACT, ONE TIME HE WAS
WALKIN' DOWN THE STREETS
IN NEW YORK CITY, YOU
KNOW, WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND,
AND HE SAW A DIAMOND
BRACELET IN THE WINDOW,
AND HIS GIRLFRIEND SAID...
LISTEN, THIS IS FUNNY...
HIS GIRLFRIEND SAID, "EDDIE,
COULD YOU GET ME THAT BRACELET?"
SO HE TAKES A BRICK, THROWS
IT THROUGH THE WINDOW,
AND GRABS THE BRACELET.
THEN THEY'RE WALKIN',
THEY KEEP WALKIN',
SHE SEES A BIG FUR
COAT IN THE WINDOW.
SHE SAYS, "EDDIE, COULD
YOU GET ME THAT FUR COAT?"
HE TAKES A BRICK, THROWS
IT THROUGH THE WINDOW,
GETS HER THE FUR COAT.
THEN THEY'RE WALKING THROUGH
THE MOST EXPENSIVE STORE
ON 5TH AVENUE, RIGHT?
AND SHE SEES A BEAUTIFUL DRESS,
AND SHE SAYS, "EDDIE, COULD
YOU GET ME THAT DRESS?"
AND HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS,
"WHAT DO YOU THINK,
I'M MADE OUT OF BRICKS?"
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I
THINK HOW YOU... ♪♪