Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 25 - The Kiss - full transcript
HONEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
MY UNCLE MILTON THE MEDIUM?
MEDIUM RARE?
NO, HE WAS A
FAMOUS SPIRITUALIST.
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT HE
WOULD HAVE A SEANCE.
THEY WOULD JOIN HANDS AND
TRY TO CONTACT THE SPIRIT WORLD.
DID HE HAVE ANY LUCK?
WELL, ONE NIGHT,
THEY'RE ALL JOINING HANDS,
AND THEY WERE TRYING TO
CONTACT THE SPIRIT WORLD.
AND MILTON SAID, I FEEL
A SPIRIT IN THE ROOM.
COME FORTH, SPIRIT.
THE SPIRIT SAYS, OKAY, I'M HERE.
MY NAME IS MAX.
AND MILTON SAID, IN LIFE,
MAX, WHAT DID YOU DO?
AND THE SPIRIT
SAID, I WAS A WAITER.
AND MILTON SAID,
COME CLOSER, MAX.
AND MAX SAID, I CAN'T,
IT'S NOT MY TABLE.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪
NOW...
THE ERUPTION OF MOUNT
VESUVIUS WAS ONE OF THE GREAT
NATURAL DISASTERS OF ALL TIME.
WHO CAN NAME ANOTHER
NATURAL DISASTER?
JUAN.
ARNOLD?
NO, I WANT YOU TO NAME
A NATURAL DISASTER.
I DID, ARNOLD.
I'M A NATURAL DISASTER, HUH?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THIS FROM A MAN, WHOSE
SOCKS BURST INTO TEARS
EVERY TIME THEY
PASS A LAUNDRY MAT.
HEY, HEY, GUY, MY
SOCKS DON'T CRY.
THEY'RE MEN.
NOW, WHO ELSE WANTS TO
SAY SOMETHIN' ABOUT MY SOCKS?
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE TALKIN'
ABOUT NATURAL DISASTERS.
NOW, I'D LIKE
SOMEONE TO GIVE ME...
YOU MEAN, EARTHQUAKES
FOR EXAMPLE.
QUIET, VINNIE.
WHAT'S YOUR...
VERY GOOD, VINNIE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU
KNEW ABOUT EARTHQUAKES.
I KNOW A WHOLE LOT ABOUT 'EM.
WELL, GOOD, TELL US SOMETHING.
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT EARTHQUAKES?
WHICH ONES DO YOU KNOW ABOUT?
THE THIRD ONE.
DID ANYONE DO THEIR
HOMEWORK LAST NIGHT?
I DID MY HOMEWORK, MR. KOTTER.
YEAH, WHAT YOU STUDY?
EYE SHADOW THROUGH THE AGES?
BEAUTY IS A GIFT.
IT REQUIRES MAINTENANCE.
HEY, I KNOW ABOUT... I KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE COMIN' FROM.
EPSTEIN'S GOT A GARDENER
THAT COMES IN TWICE A WEEK
TO WEED OUT HIS HAIR.
A GARDENER WON'T DO IT.
WHAT HE NEEDS IS
AN EXTERMINATOR.
DOUH, DOUH.
THAT'S ENOUGH, DOUHING.
LAURA, WHAT DID YOU
DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON?
HERSELF.
IT'S HER FAVORITE SUBJECT.
ACTUALLY, MR. KOTTER, I STUDIED
ALL ABOUT NATURAL DISASTERS.
YOU KNOW, HOW
TO SURVIVE IN THEM,
WHAT KIND OF FOODS TO EAT,
THINGS WE NEVER THOUGHT
WERE EDIBLE BEFORE.
LIKE WHAT, MASCARA?
NO, LIKE TREE BARKS
AND WILD ROOTS.
OH!
HEY, FREDDIE, DID YOU HAVE
YOUR WILD ROOTS TODAY?
I DON'T USE WILD ROOTS NO MORE.
I USE AFRO SHEEN.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, LET'S NOT MAKE
FUN OF LAURA JUST 'CAUSE
SHE DID HER HOMEWORK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S MAKE FUN
OF HER FOR SOMETHING ELSE.
OKAY, HOW 'BOUT HER NOSE?
IT'S TOO SMALL.
ARNOLD, GIVE HER SOME NOSE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
NOW EVERYBODY,
I WANT YOUR HOMEWORK TOMORROW.
YES, SIR!
YOU GOT IT, RIGHT AFTER WE
FINISH GOING TO CONEY ISLAND.
CONEY ISLAND CAN WAIT.
OH, NO, OH, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT THIS TIME.
THIS TIME, THEY GOT
A NEW ATTRACTION,
HALF MAN, HALF WOMAN.
YEAH, THE SIGN OUTSIDE
THAT SAYS, HE CAN'T KEEP
HIS HAND OF HERSELF.
LAURA, CAN I SEE YOU A MINUTE?
SURE.
THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING
TOPIC YOU PICKED ABOUT
NATURAL DISASTERS, YOU
KNOW, HOW TO SURVIVE.
THANK YOU.
BUT, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT PUTTING MAKE UP
ON IN CLASS.
IT'S DISTRACTING THE
REST OF THE STUDENTS.
GEE, THANKS, MR. KOTTER.
NEXT TIME YOU COME TO SCHOOL,
LEAVE THE AVON LADY AT HOME.
OKAY, YOU SEE I, I
ONLY MEANT TO...
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I... I'M FINE.
YOU DON'T LOOK FINE,
YOU LOOK KINDA PALE.
WELL, I'M HAVING
TROUBLE... LAURA, LAURA!
LAURA, LAURA, LAURA,
LAURA, ARE YOU OKAY?
LAURA!
KOTTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LEAVE THAT CHILD ALONE!
YOU OKAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY YOU KISSING ME?
I'VE LEARNED TO LIVE
WITH MY LONELINESS.
WHY CAN'T YOU?
COME ON, LAURA, TRY TO GET UP.
TRY TO GET UP.
MR. WOODMAN, LAURA FAINTED.
WELL, OF COURSE SHE FAINTED.
WHO WOULDN'T WITH A 200
POUND OX ON TOP OF HER?
YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU
GOT IT ALL WRONG.
SHE COULDN'T BREATHE.
I WAS TRYIN' TO HELP HER.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT HAPPENED,
LAURA... WHAT HAPPENED?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
TEACHER GOES
BERSERK, FILM AT 11.
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
IS IT, LAURA?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I... I ONLY
REMEMBER THAT MR. KOTTER
ASKED ME TO STAY
ALONE AFTER CLASS...
OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, KOTTER,
I'VE GOT YOU NOW.
I'M GONNA MAKE TWO PHONE CALLS,
THE SCHOOL BOARD AND
THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER.
I KNOW THE UNTOLD STORY.
- LAURA, COME ON...
- BACK, KOTTER, BACK!
HAVEN'T YOU HAD ENOUGH?
LAURA, TELL HIM WHAT...
STAY AWAY, KOTTER!
I HAVE A WHISTLE IN MY POCKET.
HONEY, NOBODY AT BUCHANAN
TAKES WOODMAN SERIOUSLY.
IT'S WHY THEY MADE
HIM VICE PRINCIPLE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S JUST
THAT THE WHOLE THING
IS SO RIDICULOUS.
BEST THING TO DO IS JUST
PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD.
RIGHT.
NOT THAT IT MATTERS, HONEY,
BUT, HOW PRETTY IS THIS GIRL?
SHE'S VERY PRETTY, WHY?
IT'S REALLY FUNNY
THAT THE HOMELY GIRLS
NEVER SEEM TO FAINT.
THEY DO, BUT NOBODY
PAYS ANY ATTENTION.
WHY AM I DOING JOKES?
JULIE, I JUST DON'T
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
ONE MINUTE SHE WAS FINE.
SHE WAS PUTTING ON MAKE
UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLASS,
AND THE NEXT MINUTE SHE
FALLS DOWN IN FRONT OF ME, WHY?
MAYBE HER MAKE UP WAS TOO HEAVY.
LOOK, I'M SURE BY NOW LAURA'S
TOLD WOODMAN EVERYTHING.
YOU THINK SO?
SURE, THE WHOLE
THING'S RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE RIGHT, THE
WHOLE THING'S RIDICULOUS.
I MEAN, A PARAMEDIC
GETS PAID FOR WHAT I DID.
THEY'LL PROBABLY
GIVE ME A METAL.
RIGHT, EITHER THAT OR
THEY'LL BRONZE YOUR LIPS.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO
SAY GOOD NIGHT TO THE GIRLS?
YEAH, OKAY.
JUST DON'T KISS THEM.
THEY HAVE COLDS, REMEMBER?
WE HEARD WHAT HAPPENED.
NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.
EVERYTHING GOING OKAY
BETWEEN YOU AND THE OLD MAN?
YEAH.
WE JUST WANT MR. KOTTER
TO KNOW THAT WE BELIEVE
HE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING BAD.
BUT THEN WE'RE JUST
INNOCENT CHILDREN,
LIKE LAURA USED TO BE.
HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?
I DIDN'T EVEN DATE HER YET.
LOOK, GUYS, THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
THE MOLESTER I LOVE.
NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.
WE JUST WANT MR. KOTAIR
TO KNOW THAT WE
GONNA STAND BEHIND HIM.
BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT HE WOULD
NEVER DO SO DASTARDLY A DEED.
HI, GUYS.
SHAME ON YOU!
GUYS, QUIT IT.
NOW, BELIEVE IT OR
NOT, GABE IS VERY UPSET
BY THIS RIDICULOUS ACCUSATION.
HE'S UPSET?
BABY'S HAVIN' A TANTRUM.
WHO'S BABY?
WELL, THAT'S LAURA'S
YOUNGER BROTHER.
YEAH, WE COME BY TO TELL YA
THAT HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER HERE.
HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, I'LL BUY HIM
AN ICE CREAM CONE.
I'M VERY GOOD WITH KIDS.
JULIE, DID YOU SEND OUT
FOR A LONG SHOWMEN?
THAT'S BABY.
GOOD LUCK.
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOIN'?
GOIN' TO THE POOL ROOM, BABY.
MOVIES, GOTTA GO TO THE MOVIES.
LIBRARY.
HEY, BABY, HOW ARE YOU?
LOOK, IF YOU WANNA CHANGE
YOUR DIAPER, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
'CAUSE THEY GOT TWINS HERE.
OH, SO YOUR LAURA'S
BROTHER, BABY.
COME IN.
GEE, DON'T YOU HAVE
ANY WINTER CLOTHES?
THESE ARE MY WINTER CLOTHES.
WHAT DO YOU WEAR
IN THE SUMMER TIME?
SUNGLASSES.
WELL, BABY, CAN I
OFFER YOU SOMETHING?
A TIRE?
WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW SET
OF LUGGAGE TO JUMP ON?
I'D LIKE TO JUMP ON YOUR FACE.
OH, COME ON, YOU'RE MUCH
TOO INTELLIGENT FOR THAT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
YEAH.
I LET MY ARMS DO
ALL THE TALKING.
HERE.
BORN TO KILL?
OH, HERE'S A GREAT ONE.
HONK IF YOU LIKE BLEEDING.
AND IT'S REALLY A NICE TOUCH
HOW HIS FRECKLES DOT THE I'S.
HEY, LOOK, WHAT'D YOU
DO TO MY BABY SISTER, HUH?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO YOUR SISTER.
DIDN'T SHE TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, SHE'S NOT HOME YET.
WHAT?
YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T TALK TO HER?
WELL, DIDN'T IT OCCUR
TO YOU TO TALK TO HER
BEFORE YOU GO AROUND
THREATENING PEOPLE?
NO.
WELL, IT SHOULD HAVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, IT SHOULD HAVE.
WELL, IT DIDN'T.
LISTEN, YOU MISSING LINK,
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
YOU ARE NOT A GUEST.
YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND.
YOU ARE NOT EVEN A PERSON.
GET OUT!
OUT, NOW!
DOES THIS MEAN I GOTTA LEAVE?
IT CERTAINLY DOES
MEAN YOU HAVE TO LEAVE
BEFORE I MAKE A RUG OUT OF YOU.
OUT!
OUT!
ALL RIGHT, JULIE, I'LL
TAKE IT FROM HERE.
OH, HONEY, I JUST LOVE
IT WHEN I SEE THAT STREAK
OF MEEKNESS IN YOUR EYES.
MEEKNESS?
I'LL SHOW YOU, MEEKNESS.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN
TO ME, YOU GRUNT.
YOU KEEP YOUR HAIR
MEAT HOOKS OFF MY DOOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE,
YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A PARASITE
LIVING OFF THE EMOTIONS
OF DECENT PEOPLE.
KOTTER, HOW DID
YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?
HI, MR. WOODMAN, JUST DROP
BY TO HECKLE THE MOLESTER?
NO, ACTUALLY I HAVE
SOME GOOD NEWS.
OH, YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED, YOU
GET LAURA TO PRESS CHARGES?
NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
SHE REFUSES TO LODGE
A CRIMINAL COMPLAINT.
WHAT I TELL YA, HONEY?
I ALSO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
I'M AFRAID LAZARUS GOT
WIND OF WHAT HAPPENED.
I WONDER WHO BLEW
THAT WIND BY HIM?
COME ON, KOTTER, I KNOW I
THREATENED YOU THIS AFTERNOON,
BUT EVERYONE KNOWS I
THRIVE ON THREATENING PEOPLE.
YOU'RE A CHARMING
MAN, MR. WOODMAN.
THANK YOU, JULIE,
BUT IT WON'T HELP HIM.
LAZARUS IS BRINGING YOU BEFORE
THE BOARD TOMORROW MORNING.
HE GOT THE GIRL TO
MAKE A SWORN STATEMENT.
WHAT COULD SHE SWEAR TO?
MR. KOTTER ASKED ME
TO STAY AFTER CLASS.
THE LAST THING I REMEMBER
WAS HE PUT HIS ARMS AROUND ME.
WHEN I WOKE UP, HE WAS
BENDING OVER, TRYING TO KISS ME.
OH, BOY.
WELL, IT'S NOT ALL BAD, KOTTER.
YOU MAY TEACH AGAIN, SOMEWHERE.
MAYBE AT ONE OF THOSE
LITTLE ONE ROOM SCHOOLS
ALONG THE ALASKAN PIPELINE.
I UNDERSTAND
THEY'RE NOT TOO FUSSY.
HEY, JUDY.
DON'T TOUCH ME,
STAY AWAY FROM ME!
YOU JUST KEEP YOUR
MOUTH TO YOURSELF!
I SEE YOU HEARD THE NEWS.
HEARD ABOUT IT?
I KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE
MANY TIMES MYSELF,
A POOR, DEFENSELESS
SEX OBJECT LIKE ME.
EVERYBODY KNOWS
YOU'RE A SEX OBJECT, JUDY.
WE JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT TO WHO.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
INSIDE THIS GORGEOUS
BODY LIVES A PERSON.
YEAH WHEN WE FIND HER,
WE'RE GONNA TELL HER
SHE PICKED A BAD LOCATION.
I'M SORRY, JUDY, I'M
JUST A LITTLE TENSE.
OKAY, KOTTER, MR. JAN
OF THE SCHOOL BOARD
IS READY TO SEE YOU NOW.
HAS LAURA FINISHED YET?
LAURA?
LAURA, HASN'T SHE TOLD
THEM WHAT HAPPENED?
NO, LAZARUS READ HER
STATEMENT TO THE BOARD.
HE FEELS THAT'S ENOUGH.
THAT'S ENOUGH?
THAT'S ENOUGH, YEAH, THAT'S
ENOUGH TO GET ME THROWN
OUT OF SCHOOL.
MR. WOODMAN, I'M
BEING RAILROADED.
TOOT-TOOT.
CORK IT, JUDITH.
THERE'S NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT, KOTTER.
I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH,
EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
BELIEVE ME, HE UNDERSTANDS.
OH, THANK YOU, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH I APPRECIATE THAT.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
THINK NOTHING OF IT, KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, NAUGHTY,
NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY.
HERE SHE IS.
DARLING, WE'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER THE BEAUTY SHOP FOR YOU.
OH, MR. JUAN.
MR. JUAN?
I THINK MS. LAURA IS READY
FOR HER COMB OUT, NOW.
YES, WELL, MR. H, I THINK
WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS,
PERHAPS WE SHOULD
HAVE A SIMPLE BLUE STREAK
DOWN THE FRONT, AND PERHAPS
A DOROTHY HAMILL IN THE BACK.
OH, SHORT AND SASSY.
NOW, LOOK, I'VE BEEN A
HAIR DRESSER A LOT LONGER
THAN YOU GIRLS.
AND WHAT I THINK THIS, THIS
DOLL NEEDS IS SOMETHING
EXCITING, LIKE A HAT.
NOW, LOOK, YA'LL MUST
BE MAD NOW, CHILD.
NOW, LOOK, LOOK, YOU
JUST LOOK AT THE SHAPE
OF MS. THING'S HEAD THERE, NOW.
NOW, NOW, SHE NEEDS... SHE NEEDS
SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA GO HELP
PULL IT ALL TOGETHER.
NOW, GIRL, LOOK, YOUR HAIR
IS SCREAMIN' FOR EFFORT,
WHATEVER THAT MIGHT BE.
HUN, HUN, IF YOU TEASE
YOUR HAIR ANYMORE,
IT'S GONNA BITE YOU.
GUYS, DO YOU MIND?
THIS IS MY LUNCH HOUR.
HOW CAN YOU SIT HERE AND PORK UP
WHEN A MAN'S FUTURE'S GONNA
BE FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET?
HOW, I'M HUNGRY, THAT'S HOW.
OH, YEAH, WELL CHOMP ON THIS.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS HERE.
WHAT WE'VE DONE IS WE
CIRCUMNAVIGATED A FEW WORDS HERE
TO TELL WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
THIS IS THE REAL VERSION
OF WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
GO AHEAD, NOW YOU READ THAT.
HOW COULD YOU?
YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE?
OH, YEAH, WELL
NEITHER WAS YOU, BABY.
REMEMBER, YOU WAS OUT COLD.
ARNOLD, READ IT.
OKAY.
COTTAGE CHEESE, MILK, RYE
BREAD, TACO SAUCE, CALL MURRY...
HEY, HEY TURN IT
OVER, TURN IT OVER.
CORN FLAKES, CUE TIPS.
NAH, NAH, LOWER, LOWER.
CORN FLAKES, CUE TIPS.
I, LAURA STEVENS HEREBY DECLARE
THAT I LURED MR. GABRIEL KOTTER
INTO HIS VERY OWN
CLASSROOM IN ORDER TO ACT LIKE
A SHAMELESS HUSSY.
I DID NOT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DID TO
'CAUSE IT SAYS IT RIGHT HERE
IN THIS NOTE HERE.
LOOK, IT SAYS SHAME
ON YOUR HUSSY.
LOOK, GUYS, HE ASKED
ME TO STAY AFTER CLASS.
HE JUST WANTED TO TELL ME NOT
TO PUT ON MAKE UP DURING CLASS.
NOW, WILL YOU LET ME
FINISH MY HAIR AND MY LUNCH?
YOU EAT YOUR HAIR FOR LUNCH?
THESE HAPPEN TO BE BEAN SPROUTS.
OH, YEAH, WELL LET ME SEE
THIS HERE, LET ME SEE THIS.
OH, LOOK AT THIS, NO
WONDER WHY YOU'RE SO SKINNY,
EATIN' ALL THIS NARROW FOOD.
GEE, THANKS, YOU
REALLY THINK I LOOK THIN?
I HOPE SO, THIS IS ALL I'VE
BEEN EATING FOR TWO WEEKS.
BEAN SPROUTS?
HOW DO YOU KEEP
GOIN' ON BEAN SPROUTS?
SHE DON'T.
SHE FAINTS.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, LAURA.
WELL, MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE.
LIKE YESTERDAY IN FRONT
OF MR. KOTTER, RIGHT?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
WELL, LET'S REFRESH
YOUR MEMORY HERE, HUH?
WHAT WE WANT YOU TO DO IS,
WE WANT YOU TO GO AND TALK
TO THE SCHOOL BOARD, TELL
'EM WHAT REALLY HAPPENED,
NOT HOW KOTTER ATTACKED
YOU, BUT HOW YOU ODED
ON THE BEAN SPROUTS.
OH, COME ON GUYS,
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT THEM
TO KNOW I'M DIETING.
THEY MIGHT THINK I'M VAIN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT, VAIN OR PAIN?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'M GOING, I'M GOING.
YEAH.
MR. WOODMAN, I...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
KOTTER'S IN THERE WITH
MR. JAN OF THE SCHOOL BOARD.
I'M LISTENING TO HIM SWEAT.
YES, DEAR CHILD,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
MR. WOODMAN, I DON'T THINK
THE BOARD UNDERSTANDS.
YOU SEE, I'VE GOTTA TELL
THEM THAT MR. KOTTER
DIDN'T ATTACK ME.
NOT NOW, LAURA.
JUST WAIT A SECOND AND
SEE IF KOTTER BREAKS DOWN
ON THE STAND.
BUT MR. WOODMAN, I HAVE
TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
WHAT AND DENY AN OLD MAN
WHAT LITTLE PLEASURE HE HAS
LEFT IN LIFE?
JUST ONE LAST LISTEN.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, LAURA?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
LAURA!
NOT ANOTHER ONE!
OH, SHUT UP, JUDY,
THE CHILD FAINTED.
GO CALL THE NURSE.
OH, I CAN'T STAND THIS.
I'M GONNA TRANSFER TO
A PRIVATE GIRL'S SCHOOL.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALIKE.
YOU ONLY HAVE ONE
THING ON YOUR MIND.
IT'S JUST DISGUSTING.
QUIET, PLEASE,
WE'RE TRYING TO...
SHE'D BETTER BE DROWNING,
WOODMAN, OR YOU'RE
IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
LAURA, LAURA, ARE YOU OKAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
I THINK YOU HAD
ANOTHER FACULTY ATTACK.
GEE, IT REALLY WAS
THE BEAN SPROUT DIET.
BEAN SPROUTS?
LET'S GET UP.
YEAH, YOU SEE I'VE BEEN
ON THIS BEAN SPROUT DIET,
AND MR. WOODMAN AND MR. KOTTER
WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP ME.
I GUESS IT'S TIME TO
FORGET THE DIET, HUH?
BEAN SPROUTS, YOU
KNOW, MR. JAN, THEY'RE
ON THE NUMBER THREE DINNER.
LAURA, PLEASE GO
DOWN TO THE CAFETERIA
AND HAVE SOMETHING
SUBSTANTIAL TO EAT.
YEAH, UH, TELL THEM
NOT TO GIVE YOU
THE ROAST LEGGER SURPRISE.
THANKS, MR. KOTTER.
WELL, YOU'RE BOTH TO BE
COMMENDED FOR YOUR QUICK
THINKING AND YOUR
KNOWLEDGE OF FIRST AID.
THANK YOU, MR. JAN.
OF COURSE, I WAS MUCH
FASTER THAN KOTTER.
IN TWO SECONDS, I
WAS ALL OVER HER.
I MEAN, UH... I MEAN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SURE, WE KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU GOT NOTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT,
EXCEPT MAYBE LAURA GOING
AROUND TELLING EVERYBODY
YOU'RE A WET KISSER.
WOODMAN, IN THE OFFICE.
SHE SAID THAT?
SHE SAID THAT?
WELL, MR. KOTTER, ON
BEHALF OF THE SCHOOL BOARD,
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, MR. JAN.
I'M CURIOUS ABOUT
SOMETHING, IS IT TRUE
THAT YOU DON'T
LIKE ORIENTAL FOOD?
YES, THAT'S TRUE,
I PREFER ITALIAN.
REALLY?
LISTEN, I GOTTA
TELL YOU A STORY,
A TRUE STORY, HAPPENED
TO ONE OF MY UNCLES.
YOUR UNCLE?
MY UNCLE GOES INTO
AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT,
AND HE'S GOT A CHINESE WAITER.
AND THE CHINESE WAITER COMES
UP AND SPEAKS PERFECT ITALIAN.
TAKES HIS ORDER
IN PERFECT ITALIAN.
MY UNCLE CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HE CALLS OVER THE OWNER.
HE SAID, HOW COME THAT
CHINESE WAITER SPEAKS
PERFECT ITALIAN?
THE OWNER SAID, WELL, HE'S
ONLY BEEN IN THIS COUNTRY
FOR TWO MONTHS.
HE THINKS WE'RE
TEACHING HIM ENGLISH.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE
YOU WERE LEARNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING
THAT MADE YOU ♪♪
MY UNCLE MILTON THE MEDIUM?
MEDIUM RARE?
NO, HE WAS A
FAMOUS SPIRITUALIST.
EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT HE
WOULD HAVE A SEANCE.
THEY WOULD JOIN HANDS AND
TRY TO CONTACT THE SPIRIT WORLD.
DID HE HAVE ANY LUCK?
WELL, ONE NIGHT,
THEY'RE ALL JOINING HANDS,
AND THEY WERE TRYING TO
CONTACT THE SPIRIT WORLD.
AND MILTON SAID, I FEEL
A SPIRIT IN THE ROOM.
COME FORTH, SPIRIT.
THE SPIRIT SAYS, OKAY, I'M HERE.
MY NAME IS MAX.
AND MILTON SAID, IN LIFE,
MAX, WHAT DID YOU DO?
AND THE SPIRIT
SAID, I WAS A WAITER.
AND MILTON SAID,
COME CLOSER, MAX.
AND MAX SAID, I CAN'T,
IT'S NOT MY TABLE.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪
NOW...
THE ERUPTION OF MOUNT
VESUVIUS WAS ONE OF THE GREAT
NATURAL DISASTERS OF ALL TIME.
WHO CAN NAME ANOTHER
NATURAL DISASTER?
JUAN.
ARNOLD?
NO, I WANT YOU TO NAME
A NATURAL DISASTER.
I DID, ARNOLD.
I'M A NATURAL DISASTER, HUH?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THIS FROM A MAN, WHOSE
SOCKS BURST INTO TEARS
EVERY TIME THEY
PASS A LAUNDRY MAT.
HEY, HEY, GUY, MY
SOCKS DON'T CRY.
THEY'RE MEN.
NOW, WHO ELSE WANTS TO
SAY SOMETHIN' ABOUT MY SOCKS?
SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE TALKIN'
ABOUT NATURAL DISASTERS.
NOW, I'D LIKE
SOMEONE TO GIVE ME...
YOU MEAN, EARTHQUAKES
FOR EXAMPLE.
QUIET, VINNIE.
WHAT'S YOUR...
VERY GOOD, VINNIE.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU
KNEW ABOUT EARTHQUAKES.
I KNOW A WHOLE LOT ABOUT 'EM.
WELL, GOOD, TELL US SOMETHING.
WHAT?
WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ABOUT EARTHQUAKES?
WHICH ONES DO YOU KNOW ABOUT?
THE THIRD ONE.
DID ANYONE DO THEIR
HOMEWORK LAST NIGHT?
I DID MY HOMEWORK, MR. KOTTER.
YEAH, WHAT YOU STUDY?
EYE SHADOW THROUGH THE AGES?
BEAUTY IS A GIFT.
IT REQUIRES MAINTENANCE.
HEY, I KNOW ABOUT... I KNOW
WHERE YOU'RE COMIN' FROM.
EPSTEIN'S GOT A GARDENER
THAT COMES IN TWICE A WEEK
TO WEED OUT HIS HAIR.
A GARDENER WON'T DO IT.
WHAT HE NEEDS IS
AN EXTERMINATOR.
DOUH, DOUH.
THAT'S ENOUGH, DOUHING.
LAURA, WHAT DID YOU
DO YOUR HOMEWORK ON?
HERSELF.
IT'S HER FAVORITE SUBJECT.
ACTUALLY, MR. KOTTER, I STUDIED
ALL ABOUT NATURAL DISASTERS.
YOU KNOW, HOW
TO SURVIVE IN THEM,
WHAT KIND OF FOODS TO EAT,
THINGS WE NEVER THOUGHT
WERE EDIBLE BEFORE.
LIKE WHAT, MASCARA?
NO, LIKE TREE BARKS
AND WILD ROOTS.
OH!
HEY, FREDDIE, DID YOU HAVE
YOUR WILD ROOTS TODAY?
I DON'T USE WILD ROOTS NO MORE.
I USE AFRO SHEEN.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, LET'S NOT MAKE
FUN OF LAURA JUST 'CAUSE
SHE DID HER HOMEWORK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S MAKE FUN
OF HER FOR SOMETHING ELSE.
OKAY, HOW 'BOUT HER NOSE?
IT'S TOO SMALL.
ARNOLD, GIVE HER SOME NOSE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
NOW EVERYBODY,
I WANT YOUR HOMEWORK TOMORROW.
YES, SIR!
YOU GOT IT, RIGHT AFTER WE
FINISH GOING TO CONEY ISLAND.
CONEY ISLAND CAN WAIT.
OH, NO, OH, NO, NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
NOT THIS TIME.
THIS TIME, THEY GOT
A NEW ATTRACTION,
HALF MAN, HALF WOMAN.
YEAH, THE SIGN OUTSIDE
THAT SAYS, HE CAN'T KEEP
HIS HAND OF HERSELF.
LAURA, CAN I SEE YOU A MINUTE?
SURE.
THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING
TOPIC YOU PICKED ABOUT
NATURAL DISASTERS, YOU
KNOW, HOW TO SURVIVE.
THANK YOU.
BUT, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO
YOU ABOUT PUTTING MAKE UP
ON IN CLASS.
IT'S DISTRACTING THE
REST OF THE STUDENTS.
GEE, THANKS, MR. KOTTER.
NEXT TIME YOU COME TO SCHOOL,
LEAVE THE AVON LADY AT HOME.
OKAY, YOU SEE I, I
ONLY MEANT TO...
ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, I... I'M FINE.
YOU DON'T LOOK FINE,
YOU LOOK KINDA PALE.
WELL, I'M HAVING
TROUBLE... LAURA, LAURA!
LAURA, LAURA, LAURA,
LAURA, ARE YOU OKAY?
LAURA!
KOTTER, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
LEAVE THAT CHILD ALONE!
YOU OKAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHY YOU KISSING ME?
I'VE LEARNED TO LIVE
WITH MY LONELINESS.
WHY CAN'T YOU?
COME ON, LAURA, TRY TO GET UP.
TRY TO GET UP.
MR. WOODMAN, LAURA FAINTED.
WELL, OF COURSE SHE FAINTED.
WHO WOULDN'T WITH A 200
POUND OX ON TOP OF HER?
YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU
GOT IT ALL WRONG.
SHE COULDN'T BREATHE.
I WAS TRYIN' TO HELP HER.
WHAT HAPPENED?
WHAT HAPPENED,
LAURA... WHAT HAPPENED?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
TEACHER GOES
BERSERK, FILM AT 11.
MR. WOODMAN, THAT'S NOT TRUE.
IS IT, LAURA?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, I... I ONLY
REMEMBER THAT MR. KOTTER
ASKED ME TO STAY
ALONE AFTER CLASS...
OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.
ALL RIGHT, KOTTER,
I'VE GOT YOU NOW.
I'M GONNA MAKE TWO PHONE CALLS,
THE SCHOOL BOARD AND
THE NATIONAL ENQUIRER.
I KNOW THE UNTOLD STORY.
- LAURA, COME ON...
- BACK, KOTTER, BACK!
HAVEN'T YOU HAD ENOUGH?
LAURA, TELL HIM WHAT...
STAY AWAY, KOTTER!
I HAVE A WHISTLE IN MY POCKET.
HONEY, NOBODY AT BUCHANAN
TAKES WOODMAN SERIOUSLY.
IT'S WHY THEY MADE
HIM VICE PRINCIPLE.
YOU'RE RIGHT, IT'S JUST
THAT THE WHOLE THING
IS SO RIDICULOUS.
BEST THING TO DO IS JUST
PUT IT OUT OF MY HEAD.
RIGHT.
NOT THAT IT MATTERS, HONEY,
BUT, HOW PRETTY IS THIS GIRL?
SHE'S VERY PRETTY, WHY?
IT'S REALLY FUNNY
THAT THE HOMELY GIRLS
NEVER SEEM TO FAINT.
THEY DO, BUT NOBODY
PAYS ANY ATTENTION.
WHY AM I DOING JOKES?
JULIE, I JUST DON'T
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED.
ONE MINUTE SHE WAS FINE.
SHE WAS PUTTING ON MAKE
UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CLASS,
AND THE NEXT MINUTE SHE
FALLS DOWN IN FRONT OF ME, WHY?
MAYBE HER MAKE UP WAS TOO HEAVY.
LOOK, I'M SURE BY NOW LAURA'S
TOLD WOODMAN EVERYTHING.
YOU THINK SO?
SURE, THE WHOLE
THING'S RIDICULOUS.
YOU'RE RIGHT, THE
WHOLE THING'S RIDICULOUS.
I MEAN, A PARAMEDIC
GETS PAID FOR WHAT I DID.
THEY'LL PROBABLY
GIVE ME A METAL.
RIGHT, EITHER THAT OR
THEY'LL BRONZE YOUR LIPS.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO
SAY GOOD NIGHT TO THE GIRLS?
YEAH, OKAY.
JUST DON'T KISS THEM.
THEY HAVE COLDS, REMEMBER?
WE HEARD WHAT HAPPENED.
NOT A PRETTY PICTURE.
EVERYTHING GOING OKAY
BETWEEN YOU AND THE OLD MAN?
YEAH.
WE JUST WANT MR. KOTTER
TO KNOW THAT WE BELIEVE
HE WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING BAD.
BUT THEN WE'RE JUST
INNOCENT CHILDREN,
LIKE LAURA USED TO BE.
HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO ME?
I DIDN'T EVEN DATE HER YET.
LOOK, GUYS, THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT
THE MOLESTER I LOVE.
NOW, THAT'S FUNNY.
WE JUST WANT MR. KOTAIR
TO KNOW THAT WE
GONNA STAND BEHIND HIM.
BECAUSE WE KNOW THAT HE WOULD
NEVER DO SO DASTARDLY A DEED.
HI, GUYS.
SHAME ON YOU!
GUYS, QUIT IT.
NOW, BELIEVE IT OR
NOT, GABE IS VERY UPSET
BY THIS RIDICULOUS ACCUSATION.
HE'S UPSET?
BABY'S HAVIN' A TANTRUM.
WHO'S BABY?
WELL, THAT'S LAURA'S
YOUNGER BROTHER.
YEAH, WE COME BY TO TELL YA
THAT HE'S ON HIS WAY OVER HERE.
HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, I'LL BUY HIM
AN ICE CREAM CONE.
I'M VERY GOOD WITH KIDS.
JULIE, DID YOU SEND OUT
FOR A LONG SHOWMEN?
THAT'S BABY.
GOOD LUCK.
HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GUYS GOIN'?
GOIN' TO THE POOL ROOM, BABY.
MOVIES, GOTTA GO TO THE MOVIES.
LIBRARY.
HEY, BABY, HOW ARE YOU?
LOOK, IF YOU WANNA CHANGE
YOUR DIAPER, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT
'CAUSE THEY GOT TWINS HERE.
OH, SO YOUR LAURA'S
BROTHER, BABY.
COME IN.
GEE, DON'T YOU HAVE
ANY WINTER CLOTHES?
THESE ARE MY WINTER CLOTHES.
WHAT DO YOU WEAR
IN THE SUMMER TIME?
SUNGLASSES.
WELL, BABY, CAN I
OFFER YOU SOMETHING?
A TIRE?
WOULD YOU LIKE A NEW SET
OF LUGGAGE TO JUMP ON?
I'D LIKE TO JUMP ON YOUR FACE.
OH, COME ON, YOU'RE MUCH
TOO INTELLIGENT FOR THAT.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT.
YEAH.
I LET MY ARMS DO
ALL THE TALKING.
HERE.
BORN TO KILL?
OH, HERE'S A GREAT ONE.
HONK IF YOU LIKE BLEEDING.
AND IT'S REALLY A NICE TOUCH
HOW HIS FRECKLES DOT THE I'S.
HEY, LOOK, WHAT'D YOU
DO TO MY BABY SISTER, HUH?
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING
TO YOUR SISTER.
DIDN'T SHE TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, SHE'S NOT HOME YET.
WHAT?
YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T TALK TO HER?
WELL, DIDN'T IT OCCUR
TO YOU TO TALK TO HER
BEFORE YOU GO AROUND
THREATENING PEOPLE?
NO.
WELL, IT SHOULD HAVE.
THAT'S RIGHT, IT SHOULD HAVE.
WELL, IT DIDN'T.
LISTEN, YOU MISSING LINK,
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
YOU ARE NOT A GUEST.
YOU ARE NOT A FRIEND.
YOU ARE NOT EVEN A PERSON.
GET OUT!
OUT, NOW!
DOES THIS MEAN I GOTTA LEAVE?
IT CERTAINLY DOES
MEAN YOU HAVE TO LEAVE
BEFORE I MAKE A RUG OUT OF YOU.
OUT!
OUT!
ALL RIGHT, JULIE, I'LL
TAKE IT FROM HERE.
OH, HONEY, I JUST LOVE
IT WHEN I SEE THAT STREAK
OF MEEKNESS IN YOUR EYES.
MEEKNESS?
I'LL SHOW YOU, MEEKNESS.
ALL RIGHT, LISTEN
TO ME, YOU GRUNT.
YOU KEEP YOUR HAIR
MEAT HOOKS OFF MY DOOR.
YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE,
YOU'RE NOTHIN' BUT A PARASITE
LIVING OFF THE EMOTIONS
OF DECENT PEOPLE.
KOTTER, HOW DID
YOU KNOW IT WAS ME?
HI, MR. WOODMAN, JUST DROP
BY TO HECKLE THE MOLESTER?
NO, ACTUALLY I HAVE
SOME GOOD NEWS.
OH, YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED, YOU
GET LAURA TO PRESS CHARGES?
NO, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
SHE REFUSES TO LODGE
A CRIMINAL COMPLAINT.
WHAT I TELL YA, HONEY?
I ALSO HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.
I'M AFRAID LAZARUS GOT
WIND OF WHAT HAPPENED.
I WONDER WHO BLEW
THAT WIND BY HIM?
COME ON, KOTTER, I KNOW I
THREATENED YOU THIS AFTERNOON,
BUT EVERYONE KNOWS I
THRIVE ON THREATENING PEOPLE.
YOU'RE A CHARMING
MAN, MR. WOODMAN.
THANK YOU, JULIE,
BUT IT WON'T HELP HIM.
LAZARUS IS BRINGING YOU BEFORE
THE BOARD TOMORROW MORNING.
HE GOT THE GIRL TO
MAKE A SWORN STATEMENT.
WHAT COULD SHE SWEAR TO?
MR. KOTTER ASKED ME
TO STAY AFTER CLASS.
THE LAST THING I REMEMBER
WAS HE PUT HIS ARMS AROUND ME.
WHEN I WOKE UP, HE WAS
BENDING OVER, TRYING TO KISS ME.
OH, BOY.
WELL, IT'S NOT ALL BAD, KOTTER.
YOU MAY TEACH AGAIN, SOMEWHERE.
MAYBE AT ONE OF THOSE
LITTLE ONE ROOM SCHOOLS
ALONG THE ALASKAN PIPELINE.
I UNDERSTAND
THEY'RE NOT TOO FUSSY.
HEY, JUDY.
DON'T TOUCH ME,
STAY AWAY FROM ME!
YOU JUST KEEP YOUR
MOUTH TO YOURSELF!
I SEE YOU HEARD THE NEWS.
HEARD ABOUT IT?
I KNOW.
I'VE BEEN THERE
MANY TIMES MYSELF,
A POOR, DEFENSELESS
SEX OBJECT LIKE ME.
EVERYBODY KNOWS
YOU'RE A SEX OBJECT, JUDY.
WE JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT TO WHO.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
INSIDE THIS GORGEOUS
BODY LIVES A PERSON.
YEAH WHEN WE FIND HER,
WE'RE GONNA TELL HER
SHE PICKED A BAD LOCATION.
I'M SORRY, JUDY, I'M
JUST A LITTLE TENSE.
OKAY, KOTTER, MR. JAN
OF THE SCHOOL BOARD
IS READY TO SEE YOU NOW.
HAS LAURA FINISHED YET?
LAURA?
LAURA, HASN'T SHE TOLD
THEM WHAT HAPPENED?
NO, LAZARUS READ HER
STATEMENT TO THE BOARD.
HE FEELS THAT'S ENOUGH.
THAT'S ENOUGH?
THAT'S ENOUGH, YEAH, THAT'S
ENOUGH TO GET ME THROWN
OUT OF SCHOOL.
MR. WOODMAN, I'M
BEING RAILROADED.
TOOT-TOOT.
CORK IT, JUDITH.
THERE'S NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT, KOTTER.
I TOLD HIM THE TRUTH,
EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.
BELIEVE ME, HE UNDERSTANDS.
OH, THANK YOU, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
MUCH I APPRECIATE THAT.
YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
THINK NOTHING OF IT, KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, NAUGHTY,
NAUGHTY, NAUGHTY.
HERE SHE IS.
DARLING, WE'VE BEEN LOOKING
ALL OVER THE BEAUTY SHOP FOR YOU.
OH, MR. JUAN.
MR. JUAN?
I THINK MS. LAURA IS READY
FOR HER COMB OUT, NOW.
YES, WELL, MR. H, I THINK
WHAT WE SHOULD DO IS,
PERHAPS WE SHOULD
HAVE A SIMPLE BLUE STREAK
DOWN THE FRONT, AND PERHAPS
A DOROTHY HAMILL IN THE BACK.
OH, SHORT AND SASSY.
NOW, LOOK, I'VE BEEN A
HAIR DRESSER A LOT LONGER
THAN YOU GIRLS.
AND WHAT I THINK THIS, THIS
DOLL NEEDS IS SOMETHING
EXCITING, LIKE A HAT.
NOW, LOOK, YA'LL MUST
BE MAD NOW, CHILD.
NOW, LOOK, LOOK, YOU
JUST LOOK AT THE SHAPE
OF MS. THING'S HEAD THERE, NOW.
NOW, NOW, SHE NEEDS... SHE NEEDS
SOMETHING THAT'S GONNA GO HELP
PULL IT ALL TOGETHER.
NOW, GIRL, LOOK, YOUR HAIR
IS SCREAMIN' FOR EFFORT,
WHATEVER THAT MIGHT BE.
HUN, HUN, IF YOU TEASE
YOUR HAIR ANYMORE,
IT'S GONNA BITE YOU.
GUYS, DO YOU MIND?
THIS IS MY LUNCH HOUR.
HOW CAN YOU SIT HERE AND PORK UP
WHEN A MAN'S FUTURE'S GONNA
BE FLUSHED DOWN THE TOILET?
HOW, I'M HUNGRY, THAT'S HOW.
OH, YEAH, WELL CHOMP ON THIS.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS HERE.
WHAT WE'VE DONE IS WE
CIRCUMNAVIGATED A FEW WORDS HERE
TO TELL WHAT REALLY HAPPENED.
THIS IS THE REAL VERSION
OF WHAT HAPPENED HERE.
GO AHEAD, NOW YOU READ THAT.
HOW COULD YOU?
YOU WEREN'T EVEN THERE?
OH, YEAH, WELL
NEITHER WAS YOU, BABY.
REMEMBER, YOU WAS OUT COLD.
ARNOLD, READ IT.
OKAY.
COTTAGE CHEESE, MILK, RYE
BREAD, TACO SAUCE, CALL MURRY...
HEY, HEY TURN IT
OVER, TURN IT OVER.
CORN FLAKES, CUE TIPS.
NAH, NAH, LOWER, LOWER.
CORN FLAKES, CUE TIPS.
I, LAURA STEVENS HEREBY DECLARE
THAT I LURED MR. GABRIEL KOTTER
INTO HIS VERY OWN
CLASSROOM IN ORDER TO ACT LIKE
A SHAMELESS HUSSY.
I DID NOT.
OH, YEAH, YOU DID TO
'CAUSE IT SAYS IT RIGHT HERE
IN THIS NOTE HERE.
LOOK, IT SAYS SHAME
ON YOUR HUSSY.
LOOK, GUYS, HE ASKED
ME TO STAY AFTER CLASS.
HE JUST WANTED TO TELL ME NOT
TO PUT ON MAKE UP DURING CLASS.
NOW, WILL YOU LET ME
FINISH MY HAIR AND MY LUNCH?
YOU EAT YOUR HAIR FOR LUNCH?
THESE HAPPEN TO BE BEAN SPROUTS.
OH, YEAH, WELL LET ME SEE
THIS HERE, LET ME SEE THIS.
OH, LOOK AT THIS, NO
WONDER WHY YOU'RE SO SKINNY,
EATIN' ALL THIS NARROW FOOD.
GEE, THANKS, YOU
REALLY THINK I LOOK THIN?
I HOPE SO, THIS IS ALL I'VE
BEEN EATING FOR TWO WEEKS.
BEAN SPROUTS?
HOW DO YOU KEEP
GOIN' ON BEAN SPROUTS?
SHE DON'T.
SHE FAINTS.
AIN'T THAT RIGHT, LAURA.
WELL, MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE.
LIKE YESTERDAY IN FRONT
OF MR. KOTTER, RIGHT?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
WELL, LET'S REFRESH
YOUR MEMORY HERE, HUH?
WHAT WE WANT YOU TO DO IS,
WE WANT YOU TO GO AND TALK
TO THE SCHOOL BOARD, TELL
'EM WHAT REALLY HAPPENED,
NOT HOW KOTTER ATTACKED
YOU, BUT HOW YOU ODED
ON THE BEAN SPROUTS.
OH, COME ON GUYS,
I CAN'T DO THAT.
I DON'T WANT THEM
TO KNOW I'M DIETING.
THEY MIGHT THINK I'M VAIN.
WELL, WHAT DO YOU
WANT, VAIN OR PAIN?
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
I'M GOING, I'M GOING.
YEAH.
MR. WOODMAN, I...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
KOTTER'S IN THERE WITH
MR. JAN OF THE SCHOOL BOARD.
I'M LISTENING TO HIM SWEAT.
YES, DEAR CHILD,
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
MR. WOODMAN, I DON'T THINK
THE BOARD UNDERSTANDS.
YOU SEE, I'VE GOTTA TELL
THEM THAT MR. KOTTER
DIDN'T ATTACK ME.
NOT NOW, LAURA.
JUST WAIT A SECOND AND
SEE IF KOTTER BREAKS DOWN
ON THE STAND.
BUT MR. WOODMAN, I HAVE
TO TELL THEM THE TRUTH.
WHAT AND DENY AN OLD MAN
WHAT LITTLE PLEASURE HE HAS
LEFT IN LIFE?
JUST ONE LAST LISTEN.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, LAURA?
YEAH, I'M FINE.
LAURA!
NOT ANOTHER ONE!
OH, SHUT UP, JUDY,
THE CHILD FAINTED.
GO CALL THE NURSE.
OH, I CAN'T STAND THIS.
I'M GONNA TRANSFER TO
A PRIVATE GIRL'S SCHOOL.
OH, YOU'RE ALL ALIKE.
YOU ONLY HAVE ONE
THING ON YOUR MIND.
IT'S JUST DISGUSTING.
QUIET, PLEASE,
WE'RE TRYING TO...
SHE'D BETTER BE DROWNING,
WOODMAN, OR YOU'RE
IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.
LAURA, LAURA, ARE YOU OKAY?
WHAT HAPPENED?
I THINK YOU HAD
ANOTHER FACULTY ATTACK.
GEE, IT REALLY WAS
THE BEAN SPROUT DIET.
BEAN SPROUTS?
LET'S GET UP.
YEAH, YOU SEE I'VE BEEN
ON THIS BEAN SPROUT DIET,
AND MR. WOODMAN AND MR. KOTTER
WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP ME.
I GUESS IT'S TIME TO
FORGET THE DIET, HUH?
BEAN SPROUTS, YOU
KNOW, MR. JAN, THEY'RE
ON THE NUMBER THREE DINNER.
LAURA, PLEASE GO
DOWN TO THE CAFETERIA
AND HAVE SOMETHING
SUBSTANTIAL TO EAT.
YEAH, UH, TELL THEM
NOT TO GIVE YOU
THE ROAST LEGGER SURPRISE.
THANKS, MR. KOTTER.
WELL, YOU'RE BOTH TO BE
COMMENDED FOR YOUR QUICK
THINKING AND YOUR
KNOWLEDGE OF FIRST AID.
THANK YOU, MR. JAN.
OF COURSE, I WAS MUCH
FASTER THAN KOTTER.
IN TWO SECONDS, I
WAS ALL OVER HER.
I MEAN, UH... I MEAN,
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
SURE, WE KNOW WHAT
YOU MEAN, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU GOT NOTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT,
EXCEPT MAYBE LAURA GOING
AROUND TELLING EVERYBODY
YOU'RE A WET KISSER.
WOODMAN, IN THE OFFICE.
SHE SAID THAT?
SHE SAID THAT?
WELL, MR. KOTTER, ON
BEHALF OF THE SCHOOL BOARD,
I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
FOR WHAT HAPPENED.
OH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, MR. JAN.
I'M CURIOUS ABOUT
SOMETHING, IS IT TRUE
THAT YOU DON'T
LIKE ORIENTAL FOOD?
YES, THAT'S TRUE,
I PREFER ITALIAN.
REALLY?
LISTEN, I GOTTA
TELL YOU A STORY,
A TRUE STORY, HAPPENED
TO ONE OF MY UNCLES.
YOUR UNCLE?
MY UNCLE GOES INTO
AN ITALIAN RESTAURANT,
AND HE'S GOT A CHINESE WAITER.
AND THE CHINESE WAITER COMES
UP AND SPEAKS PERFECT ITALIAN.
TAKES HIS ORDER
IN PERFECT ITALIAN.
MY UNCLE CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
HE CALLS OVER THE OWNER.
HE SAID, HOW COME THAT
CHINESE WAITER SPEAKS
PERFECT ITALIAN?
THE OWNER SAID, WELL, HE'S
ONLY BEEN IN THIS COUNTRY
FOR TWO MONTHS.
HE THINKS WE'RE
TEACHING HIM ENGLISH.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE
YOU WERE LEARNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHING
THAT MADE YOU ♪♪