Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 24 - Horshack and the Madame X - full transcript
AN AMAZING STORY, MY DEAR,
WAS THE STORY
OF MY UNCLE JULIAN.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ME ABOUT UNCLE JULIAN?
UNCLE JULIAN WAS
RAISED BY WILD DOGS.
OH, INTERESTING.
YES, AND WHEN HE
WAS 12 YEARS OLD,
HE WAS BROUGHT TO CIVILIZATION
AND HE WENT TO SCHOOL,
HE LEARNED EVERYTHING, HE
GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL,
TOOK THE CIVIL SERVICE
TEST, AND BECAME A MAILMAN.
YOU'RE KIDDING!
THAT'S GREAT, WHAT
HAPPENED TO HIM?
WHAT HAPPENED? HE GOT FIRED.
HE USED TO BITE
HIMSELF ON THE LEG
WHEN HE WAS DELIVERING THE MAIL.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
SOMEWHERE THERE'S
GOTTA BE A GIRL FOR ME.
AW, ARNOLD, COME ON, OF
COURSE THERE IS, ARNOLD.
AND SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY
YOU'RE GONNA MEET HER.
I EVEN HEARD THIS
RUMOR GOIN' AROUND
THAT GODZILLA HAS A DAUGHTER.
COME ON, ARNOLD.
COME ON, CHEER UP, I'M
ONLY KIDDIN' AROUND, EH?
CHERYL KIPNUS AIN'T THE
ONLIEST CHICK IN BROOKLYN.
YEAH, AND THIS AIN'T
THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED, EITHER.
OH, VINNIE, VINNIE,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO ALWAYS GET DUMPED BY GIRLS.
NO.
BUT YOU DO.
HEY ARNOLD, ARNOLD,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE...
ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE
TO LOOK BACK ON
ALL OF THIS AND...
BURST INTO TEARS.
YEAH, LOOKIT, ARNOLD,
MAYBE THIS CHERYL KIPNUS,
YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST
PLAYIN' HARD TO GET.
OH, LITTLE JUAN, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
A GIRL IS NOT PLAYING
HARD TO GET WHEN SHE SAYS,
"ARNOLD, IF YOU WAS
THE LAST MAN ON EARTH,
I'D START DATING TREES."
LOOK, ARNOLD, GIRLS LIKE YOU.
WATCH THIS.
ANGIE, COME HERE.
- YEAH?
- I'M GONNA PROVE THIS TO YOU.
I'M GONNA PROVE IT TO YOU.
HOW ABOUT SHOWIN'
HORSHACK A GOOD TIME?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
SHE'S BUSY.
LAURA, LAURA, COME HERE!
YEAH, VINNIE?
HOW ABOUT TAKIN' HORSHACK OUT?
SURE, LONG AS I CAN
BRING A DATE ALONG.
AW.
FACE IT, VINNIE,
I'M JUST A LOSER.
LAST NIGHT I CALLED DIAL A DATE.
THEY HUNG UP ON ME.
HEY, IT'S AFTER THREE.
YOU FEEBS ARE HOLDING A SEANCE?
SEE IF YOU CAN
CONTACT YOUR BRAINS?
HEY, COME ON, LET
IT BE, MR. WOODMAN.
ARNOLD HORSHACK
HERE, HE'S GOT THE BLUES.
WE'RE TRYIN' TO CHEER HIM UP.
CHEER HIM UP?
THAT'S INSANE, EVERY
MAN HAS A RIGHT TO MISERY
AND DEPRESSION.
ARNOLD MORE THAN MOST.
HEY MR. WOODMAN,
WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND A VOLCANO
AND CHECK IT OUT
FROM THE INSIDE?
MANANA, GUYS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MANANA?"
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WE'RE GONNA BE OVER YOUR HOUSE
WATCHIN' TV TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY?
YEAH, AND DON'T COME EMPTY
HANDED LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME.
THAT WAS TACKY, VERY TACKY.
GO STOP BY AND GET
SOME FIG NEWTONS.
FIG NEWTONS? YOU
SURE YOU DON'T WANT
SOME MILK TO WASH IT DOWN WITH?
YOU KNOW THEY GET
STUCK IN YOUR THROAT.
WELL, WHAT IS THE PART THAT
GETS STUCK IN YOUR THROAT,
THE FIG OR THE NEWTON?
VINNIE, I THINK YOUR FIGS
GOT STUCK TO YOUR NEWTON
A LONG TIME AGO.
DOI, DOI.
LOOK, GUYS, UH, I DON'T THINK
THERE'S GONNA BE
ANY TV WATCHING.
I, UH, I'M GONNA BE BUSY
EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.
HM, BUSY EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.
SO, STARTING ALREADY.
I FIGURED A MAN LIKE
YOU WOULD GET THE ITCH
SOONER OR LATER.
I DON'T HAVE ANY
ITCHES, MR. WOODMAN.
I'M TEACHING A CLASS AT NYU.
THAT'S WHAT HE
TELLS THE OLD LADY.
TELL ME, UH,
KOTTER, THIS CLASS...
DOES SHE HAVE A SISTER?
WHY IS THAT MR. WOODMAN
HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT?
MR. KOTTER WOULD NEVER
CHEAT ON THE MISSUS.
YEAH, WHO COULD HE GET?
LOOK, MR. KOTTER, IF
YOU NEED SOMEBODY
TO STOP BY AND, UH, CHECK
UP ON THE WIFE AND KIDS,
WELL, WE'D BE GLAD TO.
YOU KNOW SOMETHIN', JUAN?
MAYBE THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS CHECK
IN ON JULIE AND THE GIRLS?
SAY NO MORE, MR. KOTTER.
WE WON'T LEAVE YOUR
WOMAN ALONE FOR A MINUTE.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT.
OH, IT'S OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
WHERE ELSE DOES A
PERSON LIKE ME HAVE TO GO?
YEAH.
HEY MR. KOTTER, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT NOTHIN', HUH?
JUST... JUST LEAVE A PHONE
NUMBER IN CASE WE DROP
ONE OF THE TWINS OR SOMETHIN'.
COME ON, ARNOLD, COME
OVER AND CHECK OUT
THE TELEVISION.
OH, CHERYL, CHERYL.
HOW COULD YOU TURN
DOWN A FACE LIKE THIS?
LOOK AT THAT GUY, LOOK AT
THAT GUY WITH THE BIG BAZOOKA!
HE'S GOIN' RIGHT AFTER
THE TANK ALL BY HIMSELF.
OOH, MAN, HE'S GOT GUTS.
OOH, HE DO GOT GUTS.
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
HEY, HE LOOKS LIKE A
WAFFLE WITH A HELMET ON.
GUYS, PLEASE.
HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOIN' HERE, HEY?
JUAN, DO YOU REALLY
EXPECT THE BABIES TO SLEEP
THROUGH MACHINE GUN
FIRE AND ROCKET ATTACKS?
WELL, THEY DO AT MY HOUSE,
AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TV SET.
OKAY, NOW I DON'T
WANT TO BE RUDE,
BUT WHO INVITED YOU OVER?
MS. KOTTER, YOU
OUGHT TO BE GRATEFUL.
AN HOUR AGO, THIS
PLACE WAS A TOTAL WRECK.
THAT'S BECAUSE AN HOUR
AGO YOU TOTALLY WRECKED IT.
BUT IT'S SPOTLESS NOW, AIN'T IT?
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU HAVE TRAINED ARNOLD
TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOU.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU
GUYS REALLY TREAT ARNOLD
LIKE A DOG.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'? I WOULDN'T
TREAT MY DOG LIKE THAT.
HE MIGHT GET DISHPAN PAW.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MRS.
KOTTER, I DON'T MIND, REALLY.
YEAH, HE'S A LITTLE
HORSHACK HOMEMAKER.
AH, COME ON, LET'S GO.
THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' ON TV ANYWAY
EXCEPT SOME OLD MOVIE...
"THE EAR THAT ATE NEBRASKA."
OOH, I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE YET.
OH YES, YOU DID, VINNIE,
YOU CHECKED IT OUT, MAN.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
THEY GOT SAVED IN
THE END BY A GIANT Q-TIP.
WELL, BYE.
YEP, THANKS A LOT, MRS. KOTTER.
- NIGHT.
- ARNOLD, AIN'T YOU COMIN'?
OH, I'LL MEET YA.
I WANNA FINISH THIS.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
ARNOLD, YOU KNOW, I REALLY
APPRECIATE YOU STAYING
AND CLEANING UP.
YOU KNOW, I WANNA DO
SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU.
MR. KOTTER'S GONNA BE
GONE EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER
ONE NIGHT AND HAVE DINNER?
THANK YOU, MRS.
KOTTER, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
OKAY.
GET MY MIND OFF OF OTHER THINGS.
HEY, YOU KNOW, MRS. KOTTER,
THIS DETERGENT REALLY
IS MILDER TO YOUR HANDS.
GOOD NIGHT, MRS. KOTTER.
ARNOLD, ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU SEEM TROUBLED.
A MAN HAS TO LEARN
TO HIDE HIS PAIN.
ARNOLD, YOU'RE A BOY.
OH.
IN THAT CASE, I'M MISERABLE.
AW, COME ON, ARNOLD, SIT DOWN.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY?
CHERYL KIPNUS.
YES?
SHE'D RATHER DATE A BIRCH TREE.
SHE WOULD RATHER
DATE A BIRCH TREE.
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT A
GIRL HERE OR A WOODCHUCK?
A GIRL.
OKAY, YOU ASKED CHERYL
OUT AND SHE SAID NO?
HOW'D YOU ASK HER OUT?
HOW? WITH MY MOUTH, HOW
ELSE WOULD I ASK HER OUT?
OKAY, ARNOLD.
I WANT YOU TO ASK ME OUT THE
SAME WAY YOU ASKED CHERYL OUT.
MRS. KOTTER, COME ON!
COME ON.
COME ON, ARNOLD.
NOW I WANT YOU TO APPROACH ME
THE SAME WAY YOU APPROACHED HER.
COME ON.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
UH... UH, UH, CHERYL?
UH, I'D LIKE TO ASK
YOU SOMETHING.
OKAY.
UH, UH, UH, CHERYL, UH...
WOULD YOU LIKE TO, UH, TO, UH...
TO WHAT, ARNOLD?
LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME TONIGHT?
NO.
YOU, TOO, HUH?
ARNOLD, HOW CAN YOU ASK A
GIRL OUT FROM ANOTHER ROOM?
WELL, I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO
BE THERE WHEN SHE SAID NO.
ARNOLD, YOU HAVE TO
BE... YOU HAVE TO BE DIRECT.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE ASSERTIVE.
BUT YOU ALSO, YOU'VE
GOTTA BE ROMANTIC.
ROMANTIC?
YEAH.
ME?
ARNOLD "OOH, OOH" HORSHACK?
YEAH, YOU, ARNOLD
"OOH, OOH" HORSHACK.
YOU KNOW, ARNOLD, ONE DAY,
A GIRL'S GONNA OPEN UP
THAT ROMANTIC PART OF YOU.
AND SHE'S GONNA
BE A VERY LUCKY GIRL.
WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. KOTTER.
YOU'RE VERY UNDERSTANDING.
YOU'VE GOTTA TAKE
CHANCES, ARNOLD.
I WILL.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU'VE
GOTTA REACH OUT AND GRAB IT.
I WILL!
IS THERE SOMETHIN'
YOU WANT, ARNOLD?
MY HAT.
THEN REACH FOR IT.
PRETEND IT'S CHERYL.
- CHERYL?
- CHERYL.
CHERYL, COULD I HAVE MY HAT NOW.
ARNOLD, DON'T ASK, REACH!
REACH!
I DID IT!
SEE, IT WAS EASY.
- IT WAS!
- UH HUH.
IT REALLY, REALLY WAS.
GOOD NIGHT, ARNOLD.
GOOD NIGHT, JULIE.
JULIE?
JULIE.
JULIE HORSHACK.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
- IT'S TRUE.
I CAN'T... ARNOLD
HORSHACK IN LOVE WITH ME?
THAT'S RIGHT, HE SAYS
YOU'RE THE FIRST WOMAN
WHO EVER TURNED HIM ON.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
ARNOLD HAS SWITCHES.
ARNOLD AND ME?
I KNOW, IT JUST DON'T
MAKE SENSE, DO IT?
I MEAN, HOW COULD
ANYONE FALL IN LOVE
WITH A PERSON WHO HAS GLASSES?
MR. KOTTER MANAGED.
YEAH, BUT HE'S INTO
THAT MIND STUFF.
YOU KNOW WHAT, BOY, YOU
SHOULD HAVE CHECKED ARNOLD OUT
TODAY IN LUNCH, MAN,
HE WAS GOIN' NUTS, BOY.
"SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT.
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT.
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT."
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I EVER SEEN THE GUY
PLUCK MASHED POTATOES.
AND THEN HE SAID YOU TOUCHED HIM
IN A WHOLE NEW WAY.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE MOST GIRLS
WHO ARE INVOLVED WITH ARNOLD,
THEY TOUCH HIM
WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE.
YEAH, SO GET THIS, OKAY?
ARNOLD HORSHACK THINKS
YOU'RE MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM, TOO.
BUT ALL WE DID WAS TALK.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE FARTHEST
ARNOLD EVER GOT WITH A GIRL.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY
USUALLY JUST SHAKE HIS HAND
AND LEAD HIM OVER
TO A QUIET CORNER
AND JUST LEAVE HIM THERE.
BUT YOU, YOU HAD
TO GO LEADIN' HIM ON,
TREATIN' HIM LIKE A
FULL-LENGTH PERSON.
HEY, LOOK, COME ON, VINNIE.
NOW MS. KOTTER HERE IS
A HAPPILY MARRIED WOMAN.
OH, COME ON, HOW HAPPILY
MARRIED COULD SHE BE
IF SHE'S FOOLIN'
AROUND WITH HORSHACK?
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN ARNOLD HORSHACK.
COME ON.
WE'VE ALL BEEN
AROUND THE CORNER.
I MEAN, YOU DID INVITE HIM
OVER TO DINNER, DIDN'T YOU?
THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE
HE HELPED ME CLEAN UP.
YEAH, BUT THEN YOU
HELD HIS HAND, DIDN'T YOU?
AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR
ARM AROUND HIM, DIDN'T YOU?
AND THEN YOU KISSED
HIM, DIDN'T YOU?
- YES, I KISSED HIM.
- SEE, I TOLD YOU!
NOW HE WON'T WASH HIS
FACE FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
I KISSED HIM BECAUSE
HE WAS HURTING.
I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME
THING FOR ANYBODY I CARED ABOUT
THAT WAS HURTING.
GUYS, IT'S SERIOUS!
ALL RIGHT, NOW WHAT
ARE WE GONNA DO?
ARNOLD'S GONNA
BE HERE IN AN HOUR.
OH, WELL, THAT DON'T GIVE
YOU MUCH TIME TO GET YOURSELF
FIXED UP, DO IT?
NOW LOOK, GET YOURSELF
ALL PRETTY AND EVERYTHING
BECAUSE THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT FOR HIM.
HE EVEN BRUSHED HIS TEETH.
YOU KNOW, VINNIE, YOU BETTER
STAY AWAY FROM SQUIRRELS
BECAUSE ONE DAY ONE OF
'EM'S GONNA MISTAKE YOUR BRAIN
FOR AN ACORN AND BURY IT.
THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.
NOW LOOK, MRS. KOTTER,
ARNOLD'S JUST A YOUNG KID.
HE AIN'T EVEN GOT
ALL OF HIS PIMPLES YET.
I MEAN, JUST GO EASY ON HIM.
JUAN, WHAT KIND OF A
WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM?
DO WE REALLY HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?
BYE.
ALL RIGHT, MRS.
KOTTER, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT
YOU CAN HANDLE THIS, ALL RIGHT?
NOW ALL YOU GOTTA
DO IS EXPLAIN TO ARNOLD
THAT HE'S EXPERIENCED
A SCHOOL BOY CRUSH.
AND IF THAT... AND
IF THAT DON'T WORK,
DO THE VERY BEST NEXT THING.
MARRY HIM.
- OUT.
- CHECK YOU OUT.
THIS EXPERIENCE TONIGHT
HAS BEEN A MAXI-BUMMER.
JULIE?
HONEY, I'M LEAVING.
HAVE A NICE TIME.
YOU, TOO!
WHO DID YOU SAY WAS
COMING OVER FOR DINNER?
ARNOLD HORSHACK.
OH.
DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH HANDI WIPES?
YES.
OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER, BABY.
OKAY, BYE.
WHO IS IT?
IT IS I, MY LITTLE CUPCAKE.
MY LITTLE APPLE DUMPLING.
MY CHERRY CHEESECAKE.
OH, SARA LEE.
NO, IT'S ARNOLD HORSHACK.
ARNOLD, YOU'RE AN HOUR EARLY.
DINNER ISN'T TILL EIGHT O'CLOCK.
I KNOW.
I FIGURED WHY TORTURE
HER ANY LONGER?
HERE.
HOW ORIGINAL.
A CLUMP OF DIRT.
OH, WAIT, THERE'S
MORE, THERE'S MORE.
OH, GOOD.
I THOUGHT I'D LET IT BREATHE.
ARNOLD, I'M A MESS.
MY HAIR IS SOAKING WET.
I JUST GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER.
OH, YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN SUCH A KIDDER.
JULIE, JULIE, JULIE!
WHAT IS THAT EXQUISITE AROMA.
STRAINED CARROTS AND SUCCOTASH.
MY FAVORITE.
IT'S NOT FOR YOU, I
HAVEN'T FED THE BABIES YET.
OH, YOU'RE ALWAYS SO
THOUGHTFUL AS USUAL.
JULIE, ABOUT THE CHILDREN,
I THINK THEY HAVE A
RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT US.
ARNOLD, NO.
RIGHT AGAIN.
WHY DRAG THEM INTO THIS?
IS THIS WOMAN EVER WRONG?
ARNOLD, COME BACK TO EARTH.
SIT DOWN, WE'VE GOTTA TALK.
IT'S REAL IMPORTANT.
I UNDERSTAND.
NO, I'M AFRAID YOU DON'T.
LISTEN, MRS. KOTTER, JULIE,
YOU FEEL... YOU FEEL
GUILTY ABOUT MR. KOTTER.
YOU NEEDN'T.
DUMP HIM.
ARNOLD!
JULIE, JULIE, WE'RE YOUNG.
WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SELFISH.
YOU'VE GOTTA GRAB ALL
THE GUSTO YOU CAN GET.
ARNOLD, NO ONE BUT MR. KOTTER'S
ALLOWED TO GRAB MY GUSTO.
I GET IT, I GET IT, YOU ARE
AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL.
YOU WANNA HEAR IT IN
AN OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
JULIE, MY BELOVED...
ARNOLD, GET UP.
ARNOLD, I DO LOVE
YOU, BUT AS A FRIEND.
I KNEW THAT ALL THE TIME.
ARNOLD, WOULD YOU STOP
THAT RIDICULOUS ACCENT?
NOW, I LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND.
IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
BUT, BUT YOU SAID THAT
IF I WANTED SOMETHING,
I SHOULD REACH OUT AND GRAB IT.
BUT I DIDN'T MEAN ME.
WELL, WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
HATS?
I'M SUPPOSED TO
SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE
REACHING OUT FOR HATS?
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT OPENED
UP THIS ROMANTIC PART OF ME
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I KNOW, AND I'M
FLATTERED, ARNOLD.
SEE, NOW YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE THE COURAGE
TO GO AFTER GIRLS YOUR OWN AGE,
AND STOP GETTING
CRUSHES ON OLDER WOMEN.
YOU ARE AN OLDER
WOMAN, AREN'T YOU?
I'M NOT THAT OLD.
WELL, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I'M JUST CURIOUS, YOU KNOW.
I'M OLDER THAN YOU, OKAY?
YEAH, BUT HOW MUCH OLDER?
WHAT? IT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
HOW MUCH OLDER, ARNOLD.
GEE, WHEN I'M STILL IN MY PRIME,
YOU'RE GONNA BE A VERY OLD LADY.
I'M NOT GONNA BE THAT OLD.
OH YEAH, OLD, OLD LADY, SURE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO
WHEEL YOU AROUND.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO FEED YOU.
WIPE THE GRUEL OFF YOUR CHIN.
HEY, HEY, MRS.
KOTTER, I'M SORRY,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF LIFE
FOR AN ENERGETIC YOUNG BUCK
SUCH AS MYSELF.
SURE DIDN'T TAKE YOU
LONG TO GET OVER ME, DID IT?
OH, MRS. KOTTER, I'LL GET THAT.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WE STOPPED BY TO
PICK UP YOUR REMAINS.
MY REMAINS?
YEAH, AFTER MRS. KOTTER
BROKE YOUR HEART.
MRS. KOTTER DIDN'T
BREAK MY HEART.
SHE DIDN'T?
WELL, SHE DIDN'T
BREAK YOUR LIVER.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU GUYS.
MRS. KOTTER AND I HAVE
COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING.
HI.
WOW.
WILL YOU GUYS STOP
BEIN' RIDICULOUS?
OH, MRS. KOTTER, ALLOW ME.
SOMETIMES THESE BOYS
HERE CAN BE A LITTLE DENSE.
REALLY?
I NEVER NOTICED THAT.
LISTEN, FELLAS, I SIMPLY
EXPLAINED TO MRS. KOTTER
THAT AN ENERGETIC YOUNG
BUCK SUCH AS MYSELF
CANNOT BE SLOWED
DOWN BY AN OLD...
BY A MIDDLE-AGED LADY.
HOW COME YOU GOT
THAT, UH, ROBE ON?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW HOW YOU GONNA
EXPLAIN THAT TO MR. KOTTER?
LISTEN, ARNOLD HORSHACK HAS
ACTED WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.
HE IS AFRAID OF NOTHING.
JULIE, I FORGOT
SOME OF MY NOTES...
JULIE, THE WET LOOK IS OUT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, ARNOLD?
NOTHIN' HAPPENED,
NOTHIN' HAPPENED.
I SWEAR NOTHIN' HAPPENED.
I NEVER TOUCHED HER.
I'M A GOOD BOY, DON'T HURT ME.
I GOT SMALL BONES.
I'M A GOOD BOY, I'M A GOOD BOY!
GOODBYE. I'M A GOOD BOY!
RELAX, MR. KOTTER.
NOTHIN' REALLY HAPPENED.
AT LEAST, UH, THAT'S
WHAT HE TOLD US.
YOU REALLY OUGHTA BUY
YOUR WIFE A NEW BATHROBE.
I DON'T SUPPOSE I SHOULD ASK
YOU WHAT WENT ON HERE TONIGHT.
NAH.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ANYWAY?
WELL, YOU SEE, FIRST
THERE WAS THIS GIRL
WHO WOULD RATHER
DATE A BIRCH TREE,
AND THEN HE WAS
REJECTED BY A WOODCHUCK.
THEN HE SUDDENLY TURNED
INTO EITHER CHARLES BOYER
OR CARY GRANT, I'M
NOT SURE WHICH ONE.
- THEN HE CAME...
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SAVE IT, WE'LL HAVE SOMETHING
TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT.
WHAT IS THIS?
OH, ARNOLD BROUGHT
THAT FOR DINNER.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
TIMES I'VE TOLD HIM...
IT'S RED WINE WITH DIRT.
MY UNCLE WILLIAM
WAS A PHARMACIST.
- BUT HE GOT FIRED.
- HE DID?
YEAH, THEY FIRED HIM
WHEN HE WAS TYPING OUT
THE DIRECTIONS ON THE LABELS.
WHY'D THEY FIRE HIM FOR THAT?
WELL, HE KEPT TRYING
TO FIT THE BOTTLES
INTO THE TYPEWRITER.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪
WAS THE STORY
OF MY UNCLE JULIAN.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
ME ABOUT UNCLE JULIAN?
UNCLE JULIAN WAS
RAISED BY WILD DOGS.
OH, INTERESTING.
YES, AND WHEN HE
WAS 12 YEARS OLD,
HE WAS BROUGHT TO CIVILIZATION
AND HE WENT TO SCHOOL,
HE LEARNED EVERYTHING, HE
GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL,
TOOK THE CIVIL SERVICE
TEST, AND BECAME A MAILMAN.
YOU'RE KIDDING!
THAT'S GREAT, WHAT
HAPPENED TO HIM?
WHAT HAPPENED? HE GOT FIRED.
HE USED TO BITE
HIMSELF ON THE LEG
WHEN HE WAS DELIVERING THE MAIL.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
SOMEWHERE THERE'S
GOTTA BE A GIRL FOR ME.
AW, ARNOLD, COME ON, OF
COURSE THERE IS, ARNOLD.
AND SOMEDAY, SOMEDAY
YOU'RE GONNA MEET HER.
I EVEN HEARD THIS
RUMOR GOIN' AROUND
THAT GODZILLA HAS A DAUGHTER.
COME ON, ARNOLD.
COME ON, CHEER UP, I'M
ONLY KIDDIN' AROUND, EH?
CHERYL KIPNUS AIN'T THE
ONLIEST CHICK IN BROOKLYN.
YEAH, AND THIS AIN'T
THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED, EITHER.
OH, VINNIE, VINNIE,
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE
TO ALWAYS GET DUMPED BY GIRLS.
NO.
BUT YOU DO.
HEY ARNOLD, ARNOLD,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
LOOK ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE...
ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA BE ABLE
TO LOOK BACK ON
ALL OF THIS AND...
BURST INTO TEARS.
YEAH, LOOKIT, ARNOLD,
MAYBE THIS CHERYL KIPNUS,
YOU KNOW, SHE'S JUST
PLAYIN' HARD TO GET.
OH, LITTLE JUAN, YOU
DON'T UNDERSTAND.
A GIRL IS NOT PLAYING
HARD TO GET WHEN SHE SAYS,
"ARNOLD, IF YOU WAS
THE LAST MAN ON EARTH,
I'D START DATING TREES."
LOOK, ARNOLD, GIRLS LIKE YOU.
WATCH THIS.
ANGIE, COME HERE.
- YEAH?
- I'M GONNA PROVE THIS TO YOU.
I'M GONNA PROVE IT TO YOU.
HOW ABOUT SHOWIN'
HORSHACK A GOOD TIME?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
SHE'S BUSY.
LAURA, LAURA, COME HERE!
YEAH, VINNIE?
HOW ABOUT TAKIN' HORSHACK OUT?
SURE, LONG AS I CAN
BRING A DATE ALONG.
AW.
FACE IT, VINNIE,
I'M JUST A LOSER.
LAST NIGHT I CALLED DIAL A DATE.
THEY HUNG UP ON ME.
HEY, IT'S AFTER THREE.
YOU FEEBS ARE HOLDING A SEANCE?
SEE IF YOU CAN
CONTACT YOUR BRAINS?
HEY, COME ON, LET
IT BE, MR. WOODMAN.
ARNOLD HORSHACK
HERE, HE'S GOT THE BLUES.
WE'RE TRYIN' TO CHEER HIM UP.
CHEER HIM UP?
THAT'S INSANE, EVERY
MAN HAS A RIGHT TO MISERY
AND DEPRESSION.
ARNOLD MORE THAN MOST.
HEY MR. WOODMAN,
WHY DON'T YOU GO FIND A VOLCANO
AND CHECK IT OUT
FROM THE INSIDE?
MANANA, GUYS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN "MANANA?"
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WE'RE GONNA BE OVER YOUR HOUSE
WATCHIN' TV TONIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY?
YEAH, AND DON'T COME EMPTY
HANDED LIKE YOU DID LAST TIME.
THAT WAS TACKY, VERY TACKY.
GO STOP BY AND GET
SOME FIG NEWTONS.
FIG NEWTONS? YOU
SURE YOU DON'T WANT
SOME MILK TO WASH IT DOWN WITH?
YOU KNOW THEY GET
STUCK IN YOUR THROAT.
WELL, WHAT IS THE PART THAT
GETS STUCK IN YOUR THROAT,
THE FIG OR THE NEWTON?
VINNIE, I THINK YOUR FIGS
GOT STUCK TO YOUR NEWTON
A LONG TIME AGO.
DOI, DOI.
LOOK, GUYS, UH, I DON'T THINK
THERE'S GONNA BE
ANY TV WATCHING.
I, UH, I'M GONNA BE BUSY
EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.
HM, BUSY EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.
SO, STARTING ALREADY.
I FIGURED A MAN LIKE
YOU WOULD GET THE ITCH
SOONER OR LATER.
I DON'T HAVE ANY
ITCHES, MR. WOODMAN.
I'M TEACHING A CLASS AT NYU.
THAT'S WHAT HE
TELLS THE OLD LADY.
TELL ME, UH,
KOTTER, THIS CLASS...
DOES SHE HAVE A SISTER?
WHY IS THAT MR. WOODMAN
HAVE TO BE LIKE THAT?
MR. KOTTER WOULD NEVER
CHEAT ON THE MISSUS.
YEAH, WHO COULD HE GET?
LOOK, MR. KOTTER, IF
YOU NEED SOMEBODY
TO STOP BY AND, UH, CHECK
UP ON THE WIFE AND KIDS,
WELL, WE'D BE GLAD TO.
YOU KNOW SOMETHIN', JUAN?
MAYBE THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS CHECK
IN ON JULIE AND THE GIRLS?
SAY NO MORE, MR. KOTTER.
WE WON'T LEAVE YOUR
WOMAN ALONE FOR A MINUTE.
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I MEANT.
OH, IT'S OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
WHERE ELSE DOES A
PERSON LIKE ME HAVE TO GO?
YEAH.
HEY MR. KOTTER, DON'T
WORRY ABOUT NOTHIN', HUH?
JUST... JUST LEAVE A PHONE
NUMBER IN CASE WE DROP
ONE OF THE TWINS OR SOMETHIN'.
COME ON, ARNOLD, COME
OVER AND CHECK OUT
THE TELEVISION.
OH, CHERYL, CHERYL.
HOW COULD YOU TURN
DOWN A FACE LIKE THIS?
LOOK AT THAT GUY, LOOK AT
THAT GUY WITH THE BIG BAZOOKA!
HE'S GOIN' RIGHT AFTER
THE TANK ALL BY HIMSELF.
OOH, MAN, HE'S GOT GUTS.
OOH, HE DO GOT GUTS.
ALL OVER THE PLACE.
HEY, HE LOOKS LIKE A
WAFFLE WITH A HELMET ON.
GUYS, PLEASE.
HEY, HEY, WHAT ARE
YOU DOIN' HERE, HEY?
JUAN, DO YOU REALLY
EXPECT THE BABIES TO SLEEP
THROUGH MACHINE GUN
FIRE AND ROCKET ATTACKS?
WELL, THEY DO AT MY HOUSE,
AND I DON'T EVEN HAVE A TV SET.
OKAY, NOW I DON'T
WANT TO BE RUDE,
BUT WHO INVITED YOU OVER?
MS. KOTTER, YOU
OUGHT TO BE GRATEFUL.
AN HOUR AGO, THIS
PLACE WAS A TOTAL WRECK.
THAT'S BECAUSE AN HOUR
AGO YOU TOTALLY WRECKED IT.
BUT IT'S SPOTLESS NOW, AIN'T IT?
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE
YOU HAVE TRAINED ARNOLD
TO CLEAN UP AFTER YOU.
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES YOU
GUYS REALLY TREAT ARNOLD
LIKE A DOG.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'? I WOULDN'T
TREAT MY DOG LIKE THAT.
HE MIGHT GET DISHPAN PAW.
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MRS.
KOTTER, I DON'T MIND, REALLY.
YEAH, HE'S A LITTLE
HORSHACK HOMEMAKER.
AH, COME ON, LET'S GO.
THERE AIN'T NOTHIN' ON TV ANYWAY
EXCEPT SOME OLD MOVIE...
"THE EAR THAT ATE NEBRASKA."
OOH, I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE YET.
OH YES, YOU DID, VINNIE,
YOU CHECKED IT OUT, MAN.
YOU DON'T REMEMBER?
THEY GOT SAVED IN
THE END BY A GIANT Q-TIP.
WELL, BYE.
YEP, THANKS A LOT, MRS. KOTTER.
- NIGHT.
- ARNOLD, AIN'T YOU COMIN'?
OH, I'LL MEET YA.
I WANNA FINISH THIS.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
ARNOLD, YOU KNOW, I REALLY
APPRECIATE YOU STAYING
AND CLEANING UP.
YOU KNOW, I WANNA DO
SOMETHING NICE FOR YOU.
MR. KOTTER'S GONNA BE
GONE EVERY NIGHT THIS WEEK.
WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER
ONE NIGHT AND HAVE DINNER?
THANK YOU, MRS.
KOTTER, YOU'RE VERY KIND.
OKAY.
GET MY MIND OFF OF OTHER THINGS.
HEY, YOU KNOW, MRS. KOTTER,
THIS DETERGENT REALLY
IS MILDER TO YOUR HANDS.
GOOD NIGHT, MRS. KOTTER.
ARNOLD, ARE YOU OKAY?
YOU SEEM TROUBLED.
A MAN HAS TO LEARN
TO HIDE HIS PAIN.
ARNOLD, YOU'RE A BOY.
OH.
IN THAT CASE, I'M MISERABLE.
AW, COME ON, ARNOLD, SIT DOWN.
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT, OKAY?
CHERYL KIPNUS.
YES?
SHE'D RATHER DATE A BIRCH TREE.
SHE WOULD RATHER
DATE A BIRCH TREE.
ARE WE TALKING ABOUT A
GIRL HERE OR A WOODCHUCK?
A GIRL.
OKAY, YOU ASKED CHERYL
OUT AND SHE SAID NO?
HOW'D YOU ASK HER OUT?
HOW? WITH MY MOUTH, HOW
ELSE WOULD I ASK HER OUT?
OKAY, ARNOLD.
I WANT YOU TO ASK ME OUT THE
SAME WAY YOU ASKED CHERYL OUT.
MRS. KOTTER, COME ON!
COME ON.
COME ON, ARNOLD.
NOW I WANT YOU TO APPROACH ME
THE SAME WAY YOU APPROACHED HER.
COME ON.
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
UH... UH, UH, CHERYL?
UH, I'D LIKE TO ASK
YOU SOMETHING.
OKAY.
UH, UH, UH, CHERYL, UH...
WOULD YOU LIKE TO, UH, TO, UH...
TO WHAT, ARNOLD?
LIKE TO GO OUT WITH ME TONIGHT?
NO.
YOU, TOO, HUH?
ARNOLD, HOW CAN YOU ASK A
GIRL OUT FROM ANOTHER ROOM?
WELL, I JUST DIDN'T WANT TO
BE THERE WHEN SHE SAID NO.
ARNOLD, YOU HAVE TO
BE... YOU HAVE TO BE DIRECT.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE ASSERTIVE.
BUT YOU ALSO, YOU'VE
GOTTA BE ROMANTIC.
ROMANTIC?
YEAH.
ME?
ARNOLD "OOH, OOH" HORSHACK?
YEAH, YOU, ARNOLD
"OOH, OOH" HORSHACK.
YOU KNOW, ARNOLD, ONE DAY,
A GIRL'S GONNA OPEN UP
THAT ROMANTIC PART OF YOU.
AND SHE'S GONNA
BE A VERY LUCKY GIRL.
WELL, THANK YOU, MRS. KOTTER.
YOU'RE VERY UNDERSTANDING.
YOU'VE GOTTA TAKE
CHANCES, ARNOLD.
I WILL.
IF YOU WANT SOMETHING, YOU'VE
GOTTA REACH OUT AND GRAB IT.
I WILL!
IS THERE SOMETHIN'
YOU WANT, ARNOLD?
MY HAT.
THEN REACH FOR IT.
PRETEND IT'S CHERYL.
- CHERYL?
- CHERYL.
CHERYL, COULD I HAVE MY HAT NOW.
ARNOLD, DON'T ASK, REACH!
REACH!
I DID IT!
SEE, IT WAS EASY.
- IT WAS!
- UH HUH.
IT REALLY, REALLY WAS.
GOOD NIGHT, ARNOLD.
GOOD NIGHT, JULIE.
JULIE?
JULIE.
JULIE HORSHACK.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
- IT'S TRUE.
I CAN'T... ARNOLD
HORSHACK IN LOVE WITH ME?
THAT'S RIGHT, HE SAYS
YOU'RE THE FIRST WOMAN
WHO EVER TURNED HIM ON.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
ARNOLD HAS SWITCHES.
ARNOLD AND ME?
I KNOW, IT JUST DON'T
MAKE SENSE, DO IT?
I MEAN, HOW COULD
ANYONE FALL IN LOVE
WITH A PERSON WHO HAS GLASSES?
MR. KOTTER MANAGED.
YEAH, BUT HE'S INTO
THAT MIND STUFF.
YOU KNOW WHAT, BOY, YOU
SHOULD HAVE CHECKED ARNOLD OUT
TODAY IN LUNCH, MAN,
HE WAS GOIN' NUTS, BOY.
"SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT.
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT.
SHE LOVES ME, SHE LOVES ME NOT."
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I EVER SEEN THE GUY
PLUCK MASHED POTATOES.
AND THEN HE SAID YOU TOUCHED HIM
IN A WHOLE NEW WAY.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE MOST GIRLS
WHO ARE INVOLVED WITH ARNOLD,
THEY TOUCH HIM
WITH A TEN-FOOT POLE.
YEAH, SO GET THIS, OKAY?
ARNOLD HORSHACK THINKS
YOU'RE MADLY IN LOVE WITH HIM, TOO.
BUT ALL WE DID WAS TALK.
YEAH, BUT THAT'S THE FARTHEST
ARNOLD EVER GOT WITH A GIRL.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU KNOW, THEY
USUALLY JUST SHAKE HIS HAND
AND LEAD HIM OVER
TO A QUIET CORNER
AND JUST LEAVE HIM THERE.
BUT YOU, YOU HAD
TO GO LEADIN' HIM ON,
TREATIN' HIM LIKE A
FULL-LENGTH PERSON.
HEY, LOOK, COME ON, VINNIE.
NOW MS. KOTTER HERE IS
A HAPPILY MARRIED WOMAN.
OH, COME ON, HOW HAPPILY
MARRIED COULD SHE BE
IF SHE'S FOOLIN'
AROUND WITH HORSHACK?
I AM NOT INTERESTED
IN ARNOLD HORSHACK.
COME ON.
WE'VE ALL BEEN
AROUND THE CORNER.
I MEAN, YOU DID INVITE HIM
OVER TO DINNER, DIDN'T YOU?
THAT'S RIGHT, BECAUSE
HE HELPED ME CLEAN UP.
YEAH, BUT THEN YOU
HELD HIS HAND, DIDN'T YOU?
AND THEN YOU PUT YOUR
ARM AROUND HIM, DIDN'T YOU?
AND THEN YOU KISSED
HIM, DIDN'T YOU?
- YES, I KISSED HIM.
- SEE, I TOLD YOU!
NOW HE WON'T WASH HIS
FACE FOR ANOTHER YEAR.
I KISSED HIM BECAUSE
HE WAS HURTING.
I WOULD HAVE DONE THE SAME
THING FOR ANYBODY I CARED ABOUT
THAT WAS HURTING.
GUYS, IT'S SERIOUS!
ALL RIGHT, NOW WHAT
ARE WE GONNA DO?
ARNOLD'S GONNA
BE HERE IN AN HOUR.
OH, WELL, THAT DON'T GIVE
YOU MUCH TIME TO GET YOURSELF
FIXED UP, DO IT?
NOW LOOK, GET YOURSELF
ALL PRETTY AND EVERYTHING
BECAUSE THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT FOR HIM.
HE EVEN BRUSHED HIS TEETH.
YOU KNOW, VINNIE, YOU BETTER
STAY AWAY FROM SQUIRRELS
BECAUSE ONE DAY ONE OF
'EM'S GONNA MISTAKE YOUR BRAIN
FOR AN ACORN AND BURY IT.
THAT'S NOT VERY NICE.
NOW LOOK, MRS. KOTTER,
ARNOLD'S JUST A YOUNG KID.
HE AIN'T EVEN GOT
ALL OF HIS PIMPLES YET.
I MEAN, JUST GO EASY ON HIM.
JUAN, WHAT KIND OF A
WOMAN DO YOU THINK I AM?
DO WE REALLY HAVE TO
TALK ABOUT THAT RIGHT NOW?
BYE.
ALL RIGHT, MRS.
KOTTER, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, NOW WE ALL KNOW THAT
YOU CAN HANDLE THIS, ALL RIGHT?
NOW ALL YOU GOTTA
DO IS EXPLAIN TO ARNOLD
THAT HE'S EXPERIENCED
A SCHOOL BOY CRUSH.
AND IF THAT... AND
IF THAT DON'T WORK,
DO THE VERY BEST NEXT THING.
MARRY HIM.
- OUT.
- CHECK YOU OUT.
THIS EXPERIENCE TONIGHT
HAS BEEN A MAXI-BUMMER.
JULIE?
HONEY, I'M LEAVING.
HAVE A NICE TIME.
YOU, TOO!
WHO DID YOU SAY WAS
COMING OVER FOR DINNER?
ARNOLD HORSHACK.
OH.
DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH HANDI WIPES?
YES.
OKAY.
SEE YOU LATER, BABY.
OKAY, BYE.
WHO IS IT?
IT IS I, MY LITTLE CUPCAKE.
MY LITTLE APPLE DUMPLING.
MY CHERRY CHEESECAKE.
OH, SARA LEE.
NO, IT'S ARNOLD HORSHACK.
ARNOLD, YOU'RE AN HOUR EARLY.
DINNER ISN'T TILL EIGHT O'CLOCK.
I KNOW.
I FIGURED WHY TORTURE
HER ANY LONGER?
HERE.
HOW ORIGINAL.
A CLUMP OF DIRT.
OH, WAIT, THERE'S
MORE, THERE'S MORE.
OH, GOOD.
I THOUGHT I'D LET IT BREATHE.
ARNOLD, I'M A MESS.
MY HAIR IS SOAKING WET.
I JUST GOT OUT OF THE SHOWER.
OH, YOU'VE ALWAYS
BEEN SUCH A KIDDER.
JULIE, JULIE, JULIE!
WHAT IS THAT EXQUISITE AROMA.
STRAINED CARROTS AND SUCCOTASH.
MY FAVORITE.
IT'S NOT FOR YOU, I
HAVEN'T FED THE BABIES YET.
OH, YOU'RE ALWAYS SO
THOUGHTFUL AS USUAL.
JULIE, ABOUT THE CHILDREN,
I THINK THEY HAVE A
RIGHT TO KNOW ABOUT US.
ARNOLD, NO.
RIGHT AGAIN.
WHY DRAG THEM INTO THIS?
IS THIS WOMAN EVER WRONG?
ARNOLD, COME BACK TO EARTH.
SIT DOWN, WE'VE GOTTA TALK.
IT'S REAL IMPORTANT.
I UNDERSTAND.
NO, I'M AFRAID YOU DON'T.
LISTEN, MRS. KOTTER, JULIE,
YOU FEEL... YOU FEEL
GUILTY ABOUT MR. KOTTER.
YOU NEEDN'T.
DUMP HIM.
ARNOLD!
JULIE, JULIE, WE'RE YOUNG.
WE HAVE A RIGHT TO BE SELFISH.
YOU'VE GOTTA GRAB ALL
THE GUSTO YOU CAN GET.
ARNOLD, NO ONE BUT MR. KOTTER'S
ALLOWED TO GRAB MY GUSTO.
I GET IT, I GET IT, YOU ARE
AN OLD-FASHIONED GIRL.
YOU WANNA HEAR IT IN
AN OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
JULIE, MY BELOVED...
ARNOLD, GET UP.
ARNOLD, I DO LOVE
YOU, BUT AS A FRIEND.
I KNEW THAT ALL THE TIME.
ARNOLD, WOULD YOU STOP
THAT RIDICULOUS ACCENT?
NOW, I LOVE YOU AS A FRIEND.
IT'S TOTALLY DIFFERENT.
BUT, BUT YOU SAID THAT
IF I WANTED SOMETHING,
I SHOULD REACH OUT AND GRAB IT.
BUT I DIDN'T MEAN ME.
WELL, WHAT DID YOU MEAN?
HATS?
I'M SUPPOSED TO
SPEND MY WHOLE LIFE
REACHING OUT FOR HATS?
YOU WERE THE ONE THAT OPENED
UP THIS ROMANTIC PART OF ME
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I KNOW, AND I'M
FLATTERED, ARNOLD.
SEE, NOW YOU'RE GONNA
HAVE THE COURAGE
TO GO AFTER GIRLS YOUR OWN AGE,
AND STOP GETTING
CRUSHES ON OLDER WOMEN.
YOU ARE AN OLDER
WOMAN, AREN'T YOU?
I'M NOT THAT OLD.
WELL, HOW OLD ARE YOU?
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
I'M JUST CURIOUS, YOU KNOW.
I'M OLDER THAN YOU, OKAY?
YEAH, BUT HOW MUCH OLDER?
WHAT? IT DOESN'T
MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE
HOW MUCH OLDER, ARNOLD.
GEE, WHEN I'M STILL IN MY PRIME,
YOU'RE GONNA BE A VERY OLD LADY.
I'M NOT GONNA BE THAT OLD.
OH YEAH, OLD, OLD LADY, SURE.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO
WHEEL YOU AROUND.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO FEED YOU.
WIPE THE GRUEL OFF YOUR CHIN.
HEY, HEY, MRS.
KOTTER, I'M SORRY,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE KIND OF LIFE
FOR AN ENERGETIC YOUNG BUCK
SUCH AS MYSELF.
SURE DIDN'T TAKE YOU
LONG TO GET OVER ME, DID IT?
OH, MRS. KOTTER, I'LL GET THAT.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
WE STOPPED BY TO
PICK UP YOUR REMAINS.
MY REMAINS?
YEAH, AFTER MRS. KOTTER
BROKE YOUR HEART.
MRS. KOTTER DIDN'T
BREAK MY HEART.
SHE DIDN'T?
WELL, SHE DIDN'T
BREAK YOUR LIVER.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU GUYS.
MRS. KOTTER AND I HAVE
COME TO AN UNDERSTANDING.
HI.
WOW.
WILL YOU GUYS STOP
BEIN' RIDICULOUS?
OH, MRS. KOTTER, ALLOW ME.
SOMETIMES THESE BOYS
HERE CAN BE A LITTLE DENSE.
REALLY?
I NEVER NOTICED THAT.
LISTEN, FELLAS, I SIMPLY
EXPLAINED TO MRS. KOTTER
THAT AN ENERGETIC YOUNG
BUCK SUCH AS MYSELF
CANNOT BE SLOWED
DOWN BY AN OLD...
BY A MIDDLE-AGED LADY.
HOW COME YOU GOT
THAT, UH, ROBE ON?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
NOW HOW YOU GONNA
EXPLAIN THAT TO MR. KOTTER?
LISTEN, ARNOLD HORSHACK HAS
ACTED WITH A CLEAR CONSCIENCE.
HE IS AFRAID OF NOTHING.
JULIE, I FORGOT
SOME OF MY NOTES...
JULIE, THE WET LOOK IS OUT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU, ARNOLD?
NOTHIN' HAPPENED,
NOTHIN' HAPPENED.
I SWEAR NOTHIN' HAPPENED.
I NEVER TOUCHED HER.
I'M A GOOD BOY, DON'T HURT ME.
I GOT SMALL BONES.
I'M A GOOD BOY, I'M A GOOD BOY!
GOODBYE. I'M A GOOD BOY!
RELAX, MR. KOTTER.
NOTHIN' REALLY HAPPENED.
AT LEAST, UH, THAT'S
WHAT HE TOLD US.
YOU REALLY OUGHTA BUY
YOUR WIFE A NEW BATHROBE.
I DON'T SUPPOSE I SHOULD ASK
YOU WHAT WENT ON HERE TONIGHT.
NAH.
I DIDN'T THINK SO.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME ANYWAY?
WELL, YOU SEE, FIRST
THERE WAS THIS GIRL
WHO WOULD RATHER
DATE A BIRCH TREE,
AND THEN HE WAS
REJECTED BY A WOODCHUCK.
THEN HE SUDDENLY TURNED
INTO EITHER CHARLES BOYER
OR CARY GRANT, I'M
NOT SURE WHICH ONE.
- THEN HE CAME...
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
SAVE IT, WE'LL HAVE SOMETHING
TO TALK ABOUT TONIGHT.
WHAT IS THIS?
OH, ARNOLD BROUGHT
THAT FOR DINNER.
I DON'T KNOW HOW MANY
TIMES I'VE TOLD HIM...
IT'S RED WINE WITH DIRT.
MY UNCLE WILLIAM
WAS A PHARMACIST.
- BUT HE GOT FIRED.
- HE DID?
YEAH, THEY FIRED HIM
WHEN HE WAS TYPING OUT
THE DIRECTIONS ON THE LABELS.
WHY'D THEY FIRE HIM FOR THAT?
WELL, HE KEPT TRYING
TO FIT THE BOTTLES
INTO THE TYPEWRITER.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪