Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 21 - There's No Business: Part 2 - full transcript
Kotter is a success at being a comedian but it is putting a strain on his marriage and his relationship with the Sweathogs. Second of a two-part episode.
Announcer: HERE'S WHAT
HAPPENED LAST WEEK
ON "WELCOME BACK KOTTER."
- WHAT'S ALL THIS
JOKE BUSINESS ABOUT?
- LAST NIGHT VINNIE HERE WENT
TO THE COMEDY CONNECTION,
A PLACE THAT FEATURES NEW
COMEDIANS WITH OLD JOKES.
- DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
MAYBE PERFORMING THERE?
- LOOK, BEING A COMEDIAN,
TO ME HAS ALWAYS BEEN
LIKE A SECRET DREAM.
- AIN'T YOU THE GUY WHO TOLD
US WHEN WE HAVE A CHANCE
TO GO FOR THAT BRASS
RING, JUST TO GRAB IT?
- YEAH.
- WELL?
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO
IT. THIS SUNDAY NIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT!
- YOU KNOW, KOTTER, IN MY
DAY, I WAS A CHAMPION HECKLER.
- I'M NUMBER 42.
THEY'VE PROBABLY HEARD
EVERY JOKE IN THE WORLD BY NOW.
- I GOT A MILLION JOKES.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE REST HOME IN A DOGGY BAG?
- GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
- I'M SORRY. I'M NOT A COMEDIAN.
I SHOULDN'T BE UP HERE.
- I'M IN THE NIGHTCLUB DIVISION.
WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR NEW TALENT.
YOU PUT THESE
KIDS IN YOUR ROUTINE
YOU GOT YOURSELF
A NIGHTCLUB ACT.
- HERE HE IS... GABE KOTTER.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M A
SCHOOLTEACHER IN BROOKLYN
AND I GOT THIS CRAZY
BUNCH OF STUDENTS,
THEY CALL THEMSELVES
THE "SWEATHOGS."
UP YOUR NOSES WITH RUBBER HOSES.
- ALRIGHT, QUIET, EVERYBODY.
QUIET. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
FOR MR. GABE KOTTER,
IT'S GOODBYE TEACHING,
HELLO SHOW BUSINESS.
Announcer: STAY TUNED FOR PART
TWO OF WELCOME BACK, KOTTER.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.
MR. KOTTER IS REALLY LEAVING.
THIS MAN, THIS MAN WHO MADE
ME EVERYTHING I AM TODAY.
- IT WAS MR. KOTTER?
I THOUGHT IT WAS A
HIT AND RUN DRIVER.
- OH, COME ON, COME ON,
WE CAN'T LET KOTTER KNOW
HOW BUMMED OUT WE ARE.
- YEAH, LITTLE JUAN IS RIGHT.
GENTLEMEN, WE MUST BE BRAVE.
WE'RE NOT LOSING A TEACHER.
MIKE DOUGLAS IS
GAINING A CO-HOST.
- ALL RIGHT, HORSHACK,
JUST LET ME GIVE YOU
SOME ADVICE, OKAY?
NOW, THIS IS WHAT I DO
WHEN I AIN'T GONNA SEE SOMEONE
I REALLY LIKE NO MORE, OKAY?
I PRETEND THEY'RE DEAD.
THIS WAY, THIS WAY
IF THEY DON'T CALL ME
I DON'T GET MAD AT 'EM.
- AND PEOPLE SAY HE'S NOT DEEP.
- LET'S SEE OUR
PRESENTS HERE, FREDDIE.
- I'VE GOT EVERY ONE FOR Y'ALL.
AT THE TOP OF THE LIST,
MY PERSONAL CHOICE,
A MUSTACHE COMB.
CHECK IT OUT.
- WHO'D WANNA USE
A MUSTACHE COMB?
- MY AUNT HELEN.
SOMETIMES, SHE EVEN USES WAX.
- OH, FREDDIE, DID YOU GET
MY NEEDLEPOINT FRAMED?
- OH, YEAH, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
THE SWEATHOG MOTTO,
"WHATEVER IT
IS, I DIDN'T DO IT."
- OH, THIS IS REAL
NICE HERE, ANGIE.
- THANKS.
- ONLY THING, YOU FORGOT
THE SWEATHOG EMBLEM
OF A TEACHER HAVING A
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, YOU KNOW.
- THIS IS SO SAD.
THIS IS SO SAD, YOU KNOW?
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT
EPISODE OF "LASSIE" THAT I SAW.
WHEN... WHEN... WHEN LASSIE
WAS CAUGHT IN THAT COAL MINE
AND TIMMY WENT
OUT TO LOOK FOR HER.
AND HE KEPT ON SAYING,
"LASSIE, LASSIE, WHERE ARE YOU?"
AND ALL THE COAL
WAS COMING DOWN ON
LASSIE'S NICE FUR COAT, RIGHT?
AND TIMMY KEPT ON SAYING,
"LASSIE, WHERE ARE YOU?"
AND THEN, LASSIE'S LITTLE
PAW WENT UP IN THE AIR, RIGHT?
AND HE SAID... AND LASSIE SAID,
SHE SAID, "TIMMY,
I'M DOWN HERE."
I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THAT LASSIE IS SOME ACTOR.
- MORNING.
- HI, MRS. KOTTER.
- WHAT YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL, WHERE'S MR. KOTTER?
OVERCOME WITH GRIEF IN THE HALL?
- MR. KOTTER COULDN'T BE HERE.
HE WAS HALFWAY OUT THE
DOOR AND HIS AGENT CALLED
AND SAID HE HAD TO
GO TO THIS BIG AUDITION.
HE HOPES YOU UNDERSTAND, GUYS.
- OH SURE, WE DO.
AS SOON AS THEY BECOME A HIT,
THEY FORGET THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
- HEY, THAT'S NOT THE
MR. KOTTER WE KNOW AND DISOBEY.
- HE'S A BIG PHONY
NOW, AIN'T HE?
I BET HE'S AROUND,
AROUND A CORNER DELI
EATING A SANDWICH
NAMED AFTER HIM.
- YEAH.
HAM ON HAM.
WITH A SIDE OF BALONEY.
- OKAY, GUYS, NOW
NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.
HE JUST WANTED ME TO COME HERE.
- TO WHAT?
TO DROP BY?
PICK UP HIS PRESENTS?
- FORGET THE PRESENTS.
TAKE THEM BACK TO THE
STORE WHERE YOU STOLE 'EM.
- UH, MR. WOODMAN, THOSE
PRESENTS ARE FOR GABE.
- HE'S GONE. IT'S OVER.
FORGET GABE.
I'VE GOT YOU A NEW
TEACHER OUTSIDE IN THE HALL.
- WELL, WHAT'S HE DOING THERE?
- SAYING GOODBYE
TO HIS NEXT OF KIN.
- HI, HONEY.
- HI, HONEY.
HI, MR. CHARNOFF.
- PETE. FROM NOW ON, IT'S PETE.
JUST THINK OF ME AS FAMILY.
- OH, THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED.
AN AGENT-IN-LAW.
- HOW'S MY BABY?
- OKAY.
- HOW'D THE INTERVIEW GO, HONEY?
- ALL RIGHT.
- OH, ALL RIGHT?
I'M TELLING YOU,
SCHULTZ WENT RIGHT
THROUGH THE ROOF.
HE WAS ON THE FLOOR.
- HOW COULD HE GO
THROUGH THE ROOF
IF HE WAS ON THE FLOOR?
- HE LIVES IN A DUPLEX.
- DOES THAT MEAN
THAT HE LIKED YOU?
- I DON'T KNOW.
THE MAN HAD THIS BIG CIGAR.
HE STOOD THERE FOR 20 MINUTES.
I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE SWEATHOGS
AND ALL HE DID WAS
CHOKE ON HIS CIGAR.
- YOU KIDDIN'? THAT'S
HOW SCHULTZ LAUGHS.
HE LOVED YOU.
YOU GOT FIVE CHOKES,
THREE GASPS AND A WHEEZE.
- SOUNDS LIKE IF HE
LIKED YOU ANY BETTER
YOU COULD CALL THE PARAMEDICS.
- FORGET ABOUT SCHULTZ.
HOW'D IT GO WITH THE SWEATHOGS?
- WELL, HONEY, THEY
WERE DISAPPOINTED.
I LEFT AS SOON AS THE
SUBSTITUTE GOT THERE.
- POOR GUY.
IT'S GONNA BE ROUGH TO TALK
WITH A DESK IN YOUR MOUTH.
- DESK IN MOUTH.
THAT'S FUNNY STUFF.
I'M SCREAMING.
- YOU'RE SCREAMING?
- YEAH. IN HERE.
IN HERE, JULIE.
- UH, WELL, YOU'D
BETTER WATCH IT.
WE DON'T WANNA
WAKE THE BABIES UP.
- THAT'S FUNNY.
BE QUIET, SO YOU
DON'T WAKE THE...
- MR. KOTTER,
WE'VE GOT SOMETHIN'
WE WANNA DISCUSS WITH YOU.
- WELL.
LISTEN, GUYS, WHY DON'T
YOU COME IN AND SIT DOWN?
NOW, YOU KNOW MR. CHARNOFF?
- YEAH, SURE.
HE'S THE GUY WHO
FEELS IT RIGHT HERE.
- I FELT IT IN THERE
A COUPLE OF TIMES.
USUALLY AFTER A BAD
MEATBALL SANDWICH.
- UH, LOOK, MR. KOTTER.
WHAT WE'VE DONE IS WE
COLLECTED ALL OF OUR THOUGHTS,
PUT 'EM DOWN ON THIS
HERE PIECE OF PAPER
AND NOW I'M JUST
GONNA READ 'EM TO YOU.
"DEAR MR. KOTTER, DON'T GO."
- DON'T GO?
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL A SPEECH?
- YEAH, IT'S LIKE
PRESIDENT LINCOLN
SHOWING UP AT
GETTYSBURG AND SAYING,
"HEY, GUYS, DON'T FIGHT."
- LISTEN, I THINK WHAT
JUAN SAID WAS FINE.
- I CAN SEE WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE AND IT CHOKES ME UP.
YEAH. I CAN FEEL IT, RIGHT HERE.
- YEAH?
WELL, HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO FEEL IT RIGHT HERE?
- JUAN! COME ON, SIT DOWN.
LOOK, YOU GUYS
DON'T WANT ME TO GO.
AND I'M REALLY TOUCHED BY THAT.
- WELL, WE DON'T WANT
YOU TO STAY FOREVER.
JUST 'TIL WE GRADUATE.
- YEAH, WHAT'S
ANOTHER 10 OR 20 YEARS?
- GUYS, LOOK. WHAT HAPPENS
AFTER YOU GRADUATE?
I CAN'T STAY WITH YOU FOREVER.
- YOU CAN'T?
WELL, NOBODY TOLD ME THAT.
- OH, MR. KOTTER, WE
COULD GROW OLD TOGETHER.
THE TWO OF US, RIDING
ON BUSES AT HALF FARE,
LISTENING TO LAWRENCE WELK.
THROWING PRUNE
PITS AT EACH OTHER.
- THAT'S FUNNY, ARNOLD.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
I'LL USE THAT IN MY ACT.
- C'MON, GUYS, LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M TIRED OF BEING A PUNCH LINE.
- YEAH, LET'S LEAVE.
- THERE'S BETTER PLACES.
- HEY, GUYS.
HEY, LOOK, WE CAN
STILL BE FRIENDS.
YOU GUYS COME OVER
ANYTIME YOU WANT.
THIS DOOR WILL ALWAYS BE OPEN.
- YEAH, WHAT FOR?
YOU NEED SOME MORE MATERIAL?
- I GUESS THAT'S ALL WE WERE
TO YOU, HUH, MR. KOTTER?
JOKES THAT PASSED IN THE NIGHT.
- ARNOLD?
HEY, GUYS?
BOY, I NEVER THOUGHT
THEY'D TAKE IT THIS HARD.
- WHY DON'T YOU TELL
HER THE GOOD NEWS?
- WHAT GOOD NEWS, HONEY?
- I'LL TELL HER LATER.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
THOUGHT THEY'D UNDERSTAND.
- LISTEN, THE DEAL'S ALMOST SET.
THIRTY-TWO GLORIOUS
WEEKS ON THE ROAD.
I DON'T WANNA
SPOIL THE SURPRISE.
YOU TELL HER.
CHECK YOU LATER.
- "THIRTY-TWO GLORIOUS
WEEKS ON THE ROAD?"
- THE GUY HAS TO COME
TO SEE ME TONIGHT.
BOY, I HOPE THEY DON'T
DO ANYTHING CRAZY.
- DID YOU TAKE IT, GABE?
- MAYBE I SHOULD
GO AFTER THEM, HUH?
- DID YOU TAKE IT, GABE?
- YES. IF HE OFFERS
IT, I'M GONNA TAKE IT.
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU.
- OH, WHEN?
ON THE PLANE TO PEORIA?
- JULIE, YOU WEREN'T THERE.
WHAT'D YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- AW, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU
AND PETE FELT IT IN HERE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I STARTED THIS
SCRAPBOOK FOR YOU.
LET ME KNOW WHAT
HAPPENS AFTER PAGE ONE.
- JULIE?
JULIE?
JULIE?
ESTHER, HI.
CAN YOU BE HERE IN HALF HOUR?
FINE. OKAY.
SURE. I'LL SEE YOU
IN A HALF HOUR.
RIGHT. OKAY, THE FORMULA'S
ASLEEP AND THE TWINS
ARE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I MEAN... YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN, ESTHER, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
BYE.
JULIE?
ARE YOU COMING
OUT OF THE BEDROOM?
JULIE, YOU CAN'T STOP A
SCRAPBOOK ON PAGE ONE.
YOU DIRTY RAT.
MMM, ALL RIGHT, COME
OUT OF THAT BEDROOM.
MMM, OTHERWISE
IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU
'CAUSE I GOT A ROD
AND IT'S A CURTAIN ROD.
AAH.
JULIE, IF YOU DON'T GET
OUT, I'M GONNA DO WIFE JOKES.
I'LL DO JOKES ABOUT YOU TONIGHT.
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.
MY WIFE IS SO SKINNY
SHE'S GOTTA RUN AROUND
IN THE SHOWER TO GET WET.
DID YOU HEAR THAT ONE, JULIE?
AH, YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT KIND OF COOK MY WIFE IS?
FLIES COME TO MY
HOUSE TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
DID YOU HEAR IT, JULIE?
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE MAKES WAFFLES.
SHE THROWS THE
BATTER ON THE FLOOR
AND RUNS OVER IT
WITH HOT SNEAKERS.
OUT OF HIBERNATION, DARLING?
- GONNA TELL WIFE JOKES, GABE?
WELL, I COULD TELL
SOME HUSBAND JOKES.
AND THEY'D ALL BE TRUE.
LIKE THE ONE ABOUT HOW
YOU WON'T TAKE A SHOWER
WITHOUT YOUR SNOOPY WASHCLOTH.
- A TOTAL FABRICATION.
- HOW YOU WON'T
BUY A PAIR OF PAJAMAS
UNLESS IT HAS THE FEET IN THEM.
AND A BACK FLAP.
- HEY, THIS IS GREAT STUFF.
WE CAN DO AN ACT TOGETHER.
WE CAN BE THE NEXT GREAT
HUSBAND AND WIFE TEAM.
THE NEXT BURNS AND ALLEN.
- NO. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO
BE THE OLD GABE AND JULIE.
- JULIE, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO MAKE YOU MAD.
- HONEY, IT IS NOT
AS MUCH THAT I CARE
WHETHER THE TWINS AND I
GO ON THE ROAD WITH YOU
AS MUCH AS I WANNA BE
INCLUDED IN THE DECISION.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND I'M SORRY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO REALIZE WHEN
YOUR DREAMS START COMING TRUE
IT'S HARD TO THINK RATIONALLY.
THERE'S A GUY OFFERING
ME $600 A WEEK TO DO
WHAT I WANTED TO
DO MY WHOLE LIFE.
I SAID "YES" BEFORE HE HAD A
CHANCE TO CHANGE HIS MIND.
- GABE, DOES THAT
MEAN THAT EVERY TIME
THERE'S AN OFFER OF MORE DOLLARS
YOU'RE JUST GONNA GRAB AT
IT WITHOUT CONSULTING ME?
- I'M SORRY, HONEY. IT
WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
CAN I HELP IT IF MY
AGENT'S A FAST TALKER?
- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
I'VE NEVER MET A MAN WITH
A SUEDE TONGUE BEFORE.
- SUEDE TONGUE?
THAT'S FUNNY.
- THANKS.
- OKAY, FROM NOW ON,
YOU AND ME, 50-50, RIGHT?
- OKAY.
WE SHARE EVERYTHING.
- WE SHARE EVERYTHING.
- RIGHT.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GO
CHANGE YOUR 50% OF THE TWINS?
- I DON'T HAVE TO. SEE,
ESTHER'S COMING OVER.
THE FORMULA'S ASLEEP AND THE
TWINS ARE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
- HONEY, YOU WERE GREAT.
YOU'RE GETTING
BETTER ALL THE TIME.
- I KNOW.
AND MY ACT'S NOT BAD EITHER.
- WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
DON'T WEAR YOURSELVES OUT, KIDS.
GABE'S GOT A SECOND SHOW TO DO.
- OH, MR. TEN PERCENT.
HOW'S IT GOIN'?
- I BETTER SEE IF
SCHULTZ GOT HERE YET
AND GET HIM A GOOD TABLE.
IF YOUR SECOND SHOW GOES
HALF AS WELL AS YOUR FIRST,
YOU'RE IN.
LISTEN, YOUR
MATERIAL IS OUTSIDE.
THEY WANNA COME IN.
- THE SWEATHOGS?
SURE, LET 'EM IN.
- OKAY.
- HEY, HOW YOU DOIN', FREDDIE?
- PEACE, PEACE.
- HEY, YOU GUYS OUT
THERE FOR THE FIRST SHOW?
- NAH, NAH, NAH.
THE HIP CROWD ALWAYS
HITS THE LATE SHOW.
- WOW, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
LOOK HOW NICE THEY LOOK, JULIE.
THEY GOT DRESSED
UP AND EVERYTHING.
- I KNOW. FREDDIE,
YOU LOOK GREAT.
- YOU LIKE MY SUIT?
- UH-HUH.
- NICE SUIT, RIGHT?
I GOT IT FROM MY FRIEND
WHO'S IN THE
DRY-CLEANING BUSINESS.
MY FRIEND, HE
GIVES ME FIRST PICK
ON ANYTHING LEFT OVER 30 DAYS.
- HEY, GABE.
THAT'S A FUNNY JOKE.
DRY-CLEANING.
YOU OUGHTA USE IT IN YOUR ACT.
- "USE IT IN THE ACT?"
THIS BACKSTAGE
BANTER IS SO EXCITING.
YOU KNOW, I ONCE SAW CAPTAIN
KANGAROO WAITING FOR A CAB.
HE DIDN'T SEE ME.
- HEY, ARNOLD, SHUT UP, HUH?
SO WE CAN TELL MR. KOTTER
THE REAL REASON WE CAME HERE.
- WELL, I'M SORRY.
IT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT
MOMENT FOR ME.
- WELL, YOU HAD YOUR MOMENT.
NOW IT'S OVER.
- HEY, WHAT'D YOU GUYS
COME TO SEE ME ABOUT?
- WELL, WE WANTED TO LET
YOU KNOW HOW HAPPY WE WAS
ABOUT YOUR NEWFOUND
CAREER AND ALL
AND TO WISH YOU MAZEL TOV.
- WELL, THANKS, THAT'S
REALLY NICE OF YOU.
HOW ABOUT YOU
GUYS? HOW'S IT GOING?
- OH, UM, EVERYTHING IS GREAT.
- PERFECT.
- COULDN'T BE BETTER.
- YEAH, IT'S REAL GOOD.
- OF COURSE, WE DID
MISS YOU AT FIRST.
- THAT WAS UNTIL WE
GOT OUR NEW TEACHER.
- OH, I BET YOU'VE GIVIN' HIM A
REAL HARD TIME, AREN'T YOU?
- OH, NOT HIM,
MRS. KOTTER... HER.
- HER?
THEY GAVE YOU GUYS
A WOMAN TEACHER?
- WOW!
- VINNIE MEANS YES.
- I NEVER KNEW SCHOOL
COULD BE SO... STIMULATING.
- ALRIGHT, UH, SHE
MIGHT BE PRETTY, BUT, UH,
THE IMPORTANT THING IS ARE
YOU GUYS LEARNING ANYTHING?
- YES, WE ARE.
WE LEARNED THAT YOUR
LEGS GOT A LOT TO BE DESIRED.
- HEY, YOU GONNA COME
BACK AFTER THE SHOW,
SAY "HELLO?"
- NAH, NAH. I DON'T THINK SO.
I MEAN I GOTTA GET
UP EARLY FOR SCHOOL.
I DON'T WANNA BE LATE.
IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
- WELL, WE GOTTA
GO. SEE YOU LATER.
- TAKE IT EASY.
- HASTA LA VISTA.
- TOMMY LASORDA.
- WELL,
UH, THEY SEEM TO BE REALLY
ENJOYING THEIR NEW TEACHER.
- YEAH, THEY DO.
YOU A LITTLE JEALOUS?
- I TOLD YOU TO WALK BY,
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
Mr. Woodman: COME
ON, GABE KOTTER'S
A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.
KOTTER, WILL YOU TELL
THIS PUNK YOU KNOW ME?
- OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT. HE'S
MY WIFE'S HAIRDRESSER.
- VERY FUNNY, KOTTER.
SAVE IT FOR THE STAGE.
I'VE GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
- SURE, MR. WOODMAN. SIT DOWN.
- IT'S ABOUT THE SWEATHOGS.
THEY'VE GONE CRAZY.
- MR. WOODMAN, THE
SWEATHOGS WERE JUST HERE.
THEY SEEMED FINE.
- AH, THEY WERE JUST
PUTTING ON AN ACT.
KOTTER, THEY WENT BERSERK
EVER SINCE YOU LEFT SCHOOL.
FIRST, THEY PUT CASTERS
UNDER ALL THE OFFICE MACHINES
AND STARTED A DEMOLITION DERBY.
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY, JULIE?
WELL, THE SCHOOL
NUTRITIONIST WASN'T LAUGHING
WHEN THEY LOCKED HIM IN
THE FROZEN FOOD LOCKER.
IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH
THEY TRIED TO TAKE
HIS TEMPERATURE
WITH A MEAT THERMOMETER.
- OH! HOW AWFUL.
- FUNNY, BUT AWFUL.
- NO, IT WASN'T.
IT WAS WONDERFUL.
- WHAT?
DID YOU JUST SAY,
"IT WAS WONDERFUL?"
- IT WAS A CHANCE TO
PUNISH WITH ABANDON.
I GAVE OUT MORE
PINK SLIPS IN ONE DAY
THAN I DID IN EIGHT YEARS.
IT WAS WOODMAN'S
GOLDEN REIGN OF TERROR.
THAT GLORIOUS TIME IS GONE.
- WHAT'S GOIN' ON NOW?
- NOW, THEY WON'T DO ANYTHING.
THEY'RE WITHDRAWN.
THEY'RE DEPRESSED.
THEY'RE LIKE EXTRAS
IN A ZOMBIE MOVIE.
KOTTER, I'M ONLY
GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.
IT'S TOO HUMILIATING TO REPEAT.
- SAY WHAT?
- WE NEED YOU.
- WHAT?
- OH, COME ON, KOTTER.
DON'T TORTURE ME.
- I'M NOT TRYING TO TORTURE YOU.
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.
- WE NEED YOU, ALL
RIGHT? YOU'RE HAPPY NOW?
I'M A BROKEN MAN, YOU SADIST.
YOU WANNA HEAR IT AGAIN?
WE NEED YOU.
WE NEED YOU!
WE NEED YOU!
- WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD SEE THE DAY
THAT MR. WOODMAN
SAYS HE NEEDS ME.
- WELL, I'M GLAD HE
FINALLY ADMITTED IT.
- HOW ABOUT THOSE GUYS, HUH?
COMING IN HERE AND PUTTING
ON A NUMBER LIKE THAT?
- I KNOW, THEIR ACT WAS
BETTER THAN YOURS IS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, HONEY?
- AS VINNIE BARBARINO
WOULD SAY, "I'M SO CONFUSED."
WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?
- I THINK YOU SHOULD GO BACK.
THOSE KIDS LOVE YOU, HONEY,
AND YOU LOVE TEACHING.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT HOW CAN I NOW?
I MEAN WHAT DO I TELL 'EM?
LOOK, GUYS, WHEN
YOUR DREAM COMES TRUE
YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.
JULIE, IF I GO OUT
THERE AND DO GOOD
THAT'S 32 WEEKS ON THE ROAD.
- BUT IF YOU GO OUT
THERE AND DO BAD
THAT'S BACK TO THE CLASSROOM.
- I'M NOT GONNA DO BAD,
I'VE BEEN DOIN'
GOOD EVERY NIGHT.
- I HEARD OF BOMBS, MR. KOTTER.
BUT WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT,
THAT WAS A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
- HEY, MR. KOTTER, UM,
THEY'VE GOT A REVIEW
OF YOUR ACT RIGHT
HERE IN THE NEWSPAPER.
IN THE OBITUARY COLUMN.
- MR. KOTTER, IT
WAS A NOBLE EFFORT.
AT LEAST YOU TRIED.
- YEAH, HE SHOULD BE
TRIED AND CONVICTED
FOR JOKE SLAUGHTER.
- OKAY, PEOPLE, IF
YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN,
CAN I GET BACK TO WHAT I...
- I AGREE, KOTTER.
ESPECIALLY AFTER LAST NIGHT.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I
EVER SAW AN AUDIENCE
JUMP UP AND FORM A POSSE.
- YOU KNOW, MR. WOODMAN
WALKED OUT THREE TIMES.
TWICE ON YOU AND
ONCE ON THE CHECK.
- WELL, STRAIGHTEN UP, KOTTER.
YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE
YOUR OLD JOB BACK.
STEP OUTSIDE A MINUTE.
- YEAH, OKAY. I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.
- KOTTER, YOU COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN WORSE LAST NIGHT
IF YOU TRIED.
DID YOU?
- DID I WHAT?
- DID YOU BOMB OUT ON PURPOSE?
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE,
MR. WOODMAN?
LOOK, I GOT A CHANCE
TO LIVE OUT A DREAM.
THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.
- WELL, YOUR DREAM IS OVER.
YOU BETTER GET BACK
TO YOUR NIGHTMARE.
- WELL.
GUESS THAT'S THE END OF
YOUR SHOW BUSINESS CAREER.
- NOT QUITE.
STORY TIME.
WHICH UNCLE?
- PICK ONE.
- UNCLE HERBERT.
- UNCLE HERBERT. OKAY.
ONE DAY UNCLE HERBERT'S
IN A MOVIE THEATRE.
HE STARTS CRAWLING
AROUND UNDER THE SEATS.
USHER COMES UP TO HIM,
HE SAYS, "SIR,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
CRAWLING AROUND
UNDER THE SEATS?"
UNCLE HERBERT SAYS,
"I LOST A PIECE OF
BUTTERSCOTCH CARAMEL."
KEEPS ON CRAWLING
UNDER THE SEATS.
"YES, SIR, WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT A PIECE OF
BUTTERSCOTCH CARAMEL?"
MY UNCLE HERBERT
LOOKS UP AND SAYS,
"MY TEETH ARE IN IT."
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
HAPPENED LAST WEEK
ON "WELCOME BACK KOTTER."
- WHAT'S ALL THIS
JOKE BUSINESS ABOUT?
- LAST NIGHT VINNIE HERE WENT
TO THE COMEDY CONNECTION,
A PLACE THAT FEATURES NEW
COMEDIANS WITH OLD JOKES.
- DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
MAYBE PERFORMING THERE?
- LOOK, BEING A COMEDIAN,
TO ME HAS ALWAYS BEEN
LIKE A SECRET DREAM.
- AIN'T YOU THE GUY WHO TOLD
US WHEN WE HAVE A CHANCE
TO GO FOR THAT BRASS
RING, JUST TO GRAB IT?
- YEAH.
- WELL?
- ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO
IT. THIS SUNDAY NIGHT.
- ALL RIGHT!
- YOU KNOW, KOTTER, IN MY
DAY, I WAS A CHAMPION HECKLER.
- I'M NUMBER 42.
THEY'VE PROBABLY HEARD
EVERY JOKE IN THE WORLD BY NOW.
- I GOT A MILLION JOKES.
- OH, YEAH?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
THE REST HOME IN A DOGGY BAG?
- GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
- I'M SORRY. I'M NOT A COMEDIAN.
I SHOULDN'T BE UP HERE.
- I'M IN THE NIGHTCLUB DIVISION.
WE'RE ALWAYS LOOKING
FOR NEW TALENT.
YOU PUT THESE
KIDS IN YOUR ROUTINE
YOU GOT YOURSELF
A NIGHTCLUB ACT.
- HERE HE IS... GABE KOTTER.
- THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M A
SCHOOLTEACHER IN BROOKLYN
AND I GOT THIS CRAZY
BUNCH OF STUDENTS,
THEY CALL THEMSELVES
THE "SWEATHOGS."
UP YOUR NOSES WITH RUBBER HOSES.
- ALRIGHT, QUIET, EVERYBODY.
QUIET. I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT.
FOR MR. GABE KOTTER,
IT'S GOODBYE TEACHING,
HELLO SHOW BUSINESS.
Announcer: STAY TUNED FOR PART
TWO OF WELCOME BACK, KOTTER.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- I JUST CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS IS HAPPENING.
MR. KOTTER IS REALLY LEAVING.
THIS MAN, THIS MAN WHO MADE
ME EVERYTHING I AM TODAY.
- IT WAS MR. KOTTER?
I THOUGHT IT WAS A
HIT AND RUN DRIVER.
- OH, COME ON, COME ON,
WE CAN'T LET KOTTER KNOW
HOW BUMMED OUT WE ARE.
- YEAH, LITTLE JUAN IS RIGHT.
GENTLEMEN, WE MUST BE BRAVE.
WE'RE NOT LOSING A TEACHER.
MIKE DOUGLAS IS
GAINING A CO-HOST.
- ALL RIGHT, HORSHACK,
JUST LET ME GIVE YOU
SOME ADVICE, OKAY?
NOW, THIS IS WHAT I DO
WHEN I AIN'T GONNA SEE SOMEONE
I REALLY LIKE NO MORE, OKAY?
I PRETEND THEY'RE DEAD.
THIS WAY, THIS WAY
IF THEY DON'T CALL ME
I DON'T GET MAD AT 'EM.
- AND PEOPLE SAY HE'S NOT DEEP.
- LET'S SEE OUR
PRESENTS HERE, FREDDIE.
- I'VE GOT EVERY ONE FOR Y'ALL.
AT THE TOP OF THE LIST,
MY PERSONAL CHOICE,
A MUSTACHE COMB.
CHECK IT OUT.
- WHO'D WANNA USE
A MUSTACHE COMB?
- MY AUNT HELEN.
SOMETIMES, SHE EVEN USES WAX.
- OH, FREDDIE, DID YOU GET
MY NEEDLEPOINT FRAMED?
- OH, YEAH, I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
THE SWEATHOG MOTTO,
"WHATEVER IT
IS, I DIDN'T DO IT."
- OH, THIS IS REAL
NICE HERE, ANGIE.
- THANKS.
- ONLY THING, YOU FORGOT
THE SWEATHOG EMBLEM
OF A TEACHER HAVING A
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN, YOU KNOW.
- THIS IS SO SAD.
THIS IS SO SAD, YOU KNOW?
IT REMINDS ME OF THAT
EPISODE OF "LASSIE" THAT I SAW.
WHEN... WHEN... WHEN LASSIE
WAS CAUGHT IN THAT COAL MINE
AND TIMMY WENT
OUT TO LOOK FOR HER.
AND HE KEPT ON SAYING,
"LASSIE, LASSIE, WHERE ARE YOU?"
AND ALL THE COAL
WAS COMING DOWN ON
LASSIE'S NICE FUR COAT, RIGHT?
AND TIMMY KEPT ON SAYING,
"LASSIE, WHERE ARE YOU?"
AND THEN, LASSIE'S LITTLE
PAW WENT UP IN THE AIR, RIGHT?
AND HE SAID... AND LASSIE SAID,
SHE SAID, "TIMMY,
I'M DOWN HERE."
I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THAT LASSIE IS SOME ACTOR.
- MORNING.
- HI, MRS. KOTTER.
- WHAT YOU DOING HERE?
- WELL, WHERE'S MR. KOTTER?
OVERCOME WITH GRIEF IN THE HALL?
- MR. KOTTER COULDN'T BE HERE.
HE WAS HALFWAY OUT THE
DOOR AND HIS AGENT CALLED
AND SAID HE HAD TO
GO TO THIS BIG AUDITION.
HE HOPES YOU UNDERSTAND, GUYS.
- OH SURE, WE DO.
AS SOON AS THEY BECOME A HIT,
THEY FORGET THE LITTLE PEOPLE.
- HEY, THAT'S NOT THE
MR. KOTTER WE KNOW AND DISOBEY.
- HE'S A BIG PHONY
NOW, AIN'T HE?
I BET HE'S AROUND,
AROUND A CORNER DELI
EATING A SANDWICH
NAMED AFTER HIM.
- YEAH.
HAM ON HAM.
WITH A SIDE OF BALONEY.
- OKAY, GUYS, NOW
NONE OF THAT IS TRUE.
HE JUST WANTED ME TO COME HERE.
- TO WHAT?
TO DROP BY?
PICK UP HIS PRESENTS?
- FORGET THE PRESENTS.
TAKE THEM BACK TO THE
STORE WHERE YOU STOLE 'EM.
- UH, MR. WOODMAN, THOSE
PRESENTS ARE FOR GABE.
- HE'S GONE. IT'S OVER.
FORGET GABE.
I'VE GOT YOU A NEW
TEACHER OUTSIDE IN THE HALL.
- WELL, WHAT'S HE DOING THERE?
- SAYING GOODBYE
TO HIS NEXT OF KIN.
- HI, HONEY.
- HI, HONEY.
HI, MR. CHARNOFF.
- PETE. FROM NOW ON, IT'S PETE.
JUST THINK OF ME AS FAMILY.
- OH, THAT'S JUST WHAT I NEED.
AN AGENT-IN-LAW.
- HOW'S MY BABY?
- OKAY.
- HOW'D THE INTERVIEW GO, HONEY?
- ALL RIGHT.
- OH, ALL RIGHT?
I'M TELLING YOU,
SCHULTZ WENT RIGHT
THROUGH THE ROOF.
HE WAS ON THE FLOOR.
- HOW COULD HE GO
THROUGH THE ROOF
IF HE WAS ON THE FLOOR?
- HE LIVES IN A DUPLEX.
- DOES THAT MEAN
THAT HE LIKED YOU?
- I DON'T KNOW.
THE MAN HAD THIS BIG CIGAR.
HE STOOD THERE FOR 20 MINUTES.
I TOLD HIM ABOUT THE SWEATHOGS
AND ALL HE DID WAS
CHOKE ON HIS CIGAR.
- YOU KIDDIN'? THAT'S
HOW SCHULTZ LAUGHS.
HE LOVED YOU.
YOU GOT FIVE CHOKES,
THREE GASPS AND A WHEEZE.
- SOUNDS LIKE IF HE
LIKED YOU ANY BETTER
YOU COULD CALL THE PARAMEDICS.
- FORGET ABOUT SCHULTZ.
HOW'D IT GO WITH THE SWEATHOGS?
- WELL, HONEY, THEY
WERE DISAPPOINTED.
I LEFT AS SOON AS THE
SUBSTITUTE GOT THERE.
- POOR GUY.
IT'S GONNA BE ROUGH TO TALK
WITH A DESK IN YOUR MOUTH.
- DESK IN MOUTH.
THAT'S FUNNY STUFF.
I'M SCREAMING.
- YOU'RE SCREAMING?
- YEAH. IN HERE.
IN HERE, JULIE.
- UH, WELL, YOU'D
BETTER WATCH IT.
WE DON'T WANNA
WAKE THE BABIES UP.
- THAT'S FUNNY.
BE QUIET, SO YOU
DON'T WAKE THE...
- MR. KOTTER,
WE'VE GOT SOMETHIN'
WE WANNA DISCUSS WITH YOU.
- WELL.
LISTEN, GUYS, WHY DON'T
YOU COME IN AND SIT DOWN?
NOW, YOU KNOW MR. CHARNOFF?
- YEAH, SURE.
HE'S THE GUY WHO
FEELS IT RIGHT HERE.
- I FELT IT IN THERE
A COUPLE OF TIMES.
USUALLY AFTER A BAD
MEATBALL SANDWICH.
- UH, LOOK, MR. KOTTER.
WHAT WE'VE DONE IS WE
COLLECTED ALL OF OUR THOUGHTS,
PUT 'EM DOWN ON THIS
HERE PIECE OF PAPER
AND NOW I'M JUST
GONNA READ 'EM TO YOU.
"DEAR MR. KOTTER, DON'T GO."
- DON'T GO?
THAT'S WHAT YOU CALL A SPEECH?
- YEAH, IT'S LIKE
PRESIDENT LINCOLN
SHOWING UP AT
GETTYSBURG AND SAYING,
"HEY, GUYS, DON'T FIGHT."
- LISTEN, I THINK WHAT
JUAN SAID WAS FINE.
- I CAN SEE WHAT'S GOING
ON HERE AND IT CHOKES ME UP.
YEAH. I CAN FEEL IT, RIGHT HERE.
- YEAH?
WELL, HOW'D YOU LIKE
TO FEEL IT RIGHT HERE?
- JUAN! COME ON, SIT DOWN.
LOOK, YOU GUYS
DON'T WANT ME TO GO.
AND I'M REALLY TOUCHED BY THAT.
- WELL, WE DON'T WANT
YOU TO STAY FOREVER.
JUST 'TIL WE GRADUATE.
- YEAH, WHAT'S
ANOTHER 10 OR 20 YEARS?
- GUYS, LOOK. WHAT HAPPENS
AFTER YOU GRADUATE?
I CAN'T STAY WITH YOU FOREVER.
- YOU CAN'T?
WELL, NOBODY TOLD ME THAT.
- OH, MR. KOTTER, WE
COULD GROW OLD TOGETHER.
THE TWO OF US, RIDING
ON BUSES AT HALF FARE,
LISTENING TO LAWRENCE WELK.
THROWING PRUNE
PITS AT EACH OTHER.
- THAT'S FUNNY, ARNOLD.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE
I'LL USE THAT IN MY ACT.
- C'MON, GUYS, LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE.
I'M TIRED OF BEING A PUNCH LINE.
- YEAH, LET'S LEAVE.
- THERE'S BETTER PLACES.
- HEY, GUYS.
HEY, LOOK, WE CAN
STILL BE FRIENDS.
YOU GUYS COME OVER
ANYTIME YOU WANT.
THIS DOOR WILL ALWAYS BE OPEN.
- YEAH, WHAT FOR?
YOU NEED SOME MORE MATERIAL?
- I GUESS THAT'S ALL WE WERE
TO YOU, HUH, MR. KOTTER?
JOKES THAT PASSED IN THE NIGHT.
- ARNOLD?
HEY, GUYS?
BOY, I NEVER THOUGHT
THEY'D TAKE IT THIS HARD.
- WHY DON'T YOU TELL
HER THE GOOD NEWS?
- WHAT GOOD NEWS, HONEY?
- I'LL TELL HER LATER.
YOU KNOW, I REALLY
THOUGHT THEY'D UNDERSTAND.
- LISTEN, THE DEAL'S ALMOST SET.
THIRTY-TWO GLORIOUS
WEEKS ON THE ROAD.
I DON'T WANNA
SPOIL THE SURPRISE.
YOU TELL HER.
CHECK YOU LATER.
- "THIRTY-TWO GLORIOUS
WEEKS ON THE ROAD?"
- THE GUY HAS TO COME
TO SEE ME TONIGHT.
BOY, I HOPE THEY DON'T
DO ANYTHING CRAZY.
- DID YOU TAKE IT, GABE?
- MAYBE I SHOULD
GO AFTER THEM, HUH?
- DID YOU TAKE IT, GABE?
- YES. IF HE OFFERS
IT, I'M GONNA TAKE IT.
I WAS GONNA TELL YOU.
- OH, WHEN?
ON THE PLANE TO PEORIA?
- JULIE, YOU WEREN'T THERE.
WHAT'D YOU WANT ME TO DO?
- AW, THAT'S RIGHT.
AND I SUPPOSE YOU
AND PETE FELT IT IN HERE.
- WHAT'S THE MATTER?
- I STARTED THIS
SCRAPBOOK FOR YOU.
LET ME KNOW WHAT
HAPPENS AFTER PAGE ONE.
- JULIE?
JULIE?
JULIE?
ESTHER, HI.
CAN YOU BE HERE IN HALF HOUR?
FINE. OKAY.
SURE. I'LL SEE YOU
IN A HALF HOUR.
RIGHT. OKAY, THE FORMULA'S
ASLEEP AND THE TWINS
ARE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
I MEAN... YOU KNOW WHAT
I MEAN, ESTHER, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU THEN.
BYE.
JULIE?
ARE YOU COMING
OUT OF THE BEDROOM?
JULIE, YOU CAN'T STOP A
SCRAPBOOK ON PAGE ONE.
YOU DIRTY RAT.
MMM, ALL RIGHT, COME
OUT OF THAT BEDROOM.
MMM, OTHERWISE
IT'S CURTAINS FOR YOU
'CAUSE I GOT A ROD
AND IT'S A CURTAIN ROD.
AAH.
JULIE, IF YOU DON'T GET
OUT, I'M GONNA DO WIFE JOKES.
I'LL DO JOKES ABOUT YOU TONIGHT.
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMAN.
MY WIFE IS SO SKINNY
SHE'S GOTTA RUN AROUND
IN THE SHOWER TO GET WET.
DID YOU HEAR THAT ONE, JULIE?
AH, YOU WANT TO KNOW
WHAT KIND OF COOK MY WIFE IS?
FLIES COME TO MY
HOUSE TO COMMIT SUICIDE.
DID YOU HEAR IT, JULIE?
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE MAKES WAFFLES.
SHE THROWS THE
BATTER ON THE FLOOR
AND RUNS OVER IT
WITH HOT SNEAKERS.
OUT OF HIBERNATION, DARLING?
- GONNA TELL WIFE JOKES, GABE?
WELL, I COULD TELL
SOME HUSBAND JOKES.
AND THEY'D ALL BE TRUE.
LIKE THE ONE ABOUT HOW
YOU WON'T TAKE A SHOWER
WITHOUT YOUR SNOOPY WASHCLOTH.
- A TOTAL FABRICATION.
- HOW YOU WON'T
BUY A PAIR OF PAJAMAS
UNLESS IT HAS THE FEET IN THEM.
AND A BACK FLAP.
- HEY, THIS IS GREAT STUFF.
WE CAN DO AN ACT TOGETHER.
WE CAN BE THE NEXT GREAT
HUSBAND AND WIFE TEAM.
THE NEXT BURNS AND ALLEN.
- NO. I WOULD JUST LIKE TO
BE THE OLD GABE AND JULIE.
- JULIE, I DIDN'T MEAN
TO MAKE YOU MAD.
- HONEY, IT IS NOT
AS MUCH THAT I CARE
WHETHER THE TWINS AND I
GO ON THE ROAD WITH YOU
AS MUCH AS I WANNA BE
INCLUDED IN THE DECISION.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND I'M SORRY.
YOU JUST HAVE TO REALIZE WHEN
YOUR DREAMS START COMING TRUE
IT'S HARD TO THINK RATIONALLY.
THERE'S A GUY OFFERING
ME $600 A WEEK TO DO
WHAT I WANTED TO
DO MY WHOLE LIFE.
I SAID "YES" BEFORE HE HAD A
CHANCE TO CHANGE HIS MIND.
- GABE, DOES THAT
MEAN THAT EVERY TIME
THERE'S AN OFFER OF MORE DOLLARS
YOU'RE JUST GONNA GRAB AT
IT WITHOUT CONSULTING ME?
- I'M SORRY, HONEY. IT
WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
CAN I HELP IT IF MY
AGENT'S A FAST TALKER?
- YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN.
I'VE NEVER MET A MAN WITH
A SUEDE TONGUE BEFORE.
- SUEDE TONGUE?
THAT'S FUNNY.
- THANKS.
- OKAY, FROM NOW ON,
YOU AND ME, 50-50, RIGHT?
- OKAY.
WE SHARE EVERYTHING.
- WE SHARE EVERYTHING.
- RIGHT.
NOW, WHY DON'T YOU GO
CHANGE YOUR 50% OF THE TWINS?
- I DON'T HAVE TO. SEE,
ESTHER'S COMING OVER.
THE FORMULA'S ASLEEP AND THE
TWINS ARE IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
- HONEY, YOU WERE GREAT.
YOU'RE GETTING
BETTER ALL THE TIME.
- I KNOW.
AND MY ACT'S NOT BAD EITHER.
- WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
DON'T WEAR YOURSELVES OUT, KIDS.
GABE'S GOT A SECOND SHOW TO DO.
- OH, MR. TEN PERCENT.
HOW'S IT GOIN'?
- I BETTER SEE IF
SCHULTZ GOT HERE YET
AND GET HIM A GOOD TABLE.
IF YOUR SECOND SHOW GOES
HALF AS WELL AS YOUR FIRST,
YOU'RE IN.
LISTEN, YOUR
MATERIAL IS OUTSIDE.
THEY WANNA COME IN.
- THE SWEATHOGS?
SURE, LET 'EM IN.
- OKAY.
- HEY, HOW YOU DOIN', FREDDIE?
- PEACE, PEACE.
- HEY, YOU GUYS OUT
THERE FOR THE FIRST SHOW?
- NAH, NAH, NAH.
THE HIP CROWD ALWAYS
HITS THE LATE SHOW.
- WOW, I'M PROUD OF YOU.
LOOK HOW NICE THEY LOOK, JULIE.
THEY GOT DRESSED
UP AND EVERYTHING.
- I KNOW. FREDDIE,
YOU LOOK GREAT.
- YOU LIKE MY SUIT?
- UH-HUH.
- NICE SUIT, RIGHT?
I GOT IT FROM MY FRIEND
WHO'S IN THE
DRY-CLEANING BUSINESS.
MY FRIEND, HE
GIVES ME FIRST PICK
ON ANYTHING LEFT OVER 30 DAYS.
- HEY, GABE.
THAT'S A FUNNY JOKE.
DRY-CLEANING.
YOU OUGHTA USE IT IN YOUR ACT.
- "USE IT IN THE ACT?"
THIS BACKSTAGE
BANTER IS SO EXCITING.
YOU KNOW, I ONCE SAW CAPTAIN
KANGAROO WAITING FOR A CAB.
HE DIDN'T SEE ME.
- HEY, ARNOLD, SHUT UP, HUH?
SO WE CAN TELL MR. KOTTER
THE REAL REASON WE CAME HERE.
- WELL, I'M SORRY.
IT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT
MOMENT FOR ME.
- WELL, YOU HAD YOUR MOMENT.
NOW IT'S OVER.
- HEY, WHAT'D YOU GUYS
COME TO SEE ME ABOUT?
- WELL, WE WANTED TO LET
YOU KNOW HOW HAPPY WE WAS
ABOUT YOUR NEWFOUND
CAREER AND ALL
AND TO WISH YOU MAZEL TOV.
- WELL, THANKS, THAT'S
REALLY NICE OF YOU.
HOW ABOUT YOU
GUYS? HOW'S IT GOING?
- OH, UM, EVERYTHING IS GREAT.
- PERFECT.
- COULDN'T BE BETTER.
- YEAH, IT'S REAL GOOD.
- OF COURSE, WE DID
MISS YOU AT FIRST.
- THAT WAS UNTIL WE
GOT OUR NEW TEACHER.
- OH, I BET YOU'VE GIVIN' HIM A
REAL HARD TIME, AREN'T YOU?
- OH, NOT HIM,
MRS. KOTTER... HER.
- HER?
THEY GAVE YOU GUYS
A WOMAN TEACHER?
- WOW!
- VINNIE MEANS YES.
- I NEVER KNEW SCHOOL
COULD BE SO... STIMULATING.
- ALRIGHT, UH, SHE
MIGHT BE PRETTY, BUT, UH,
THE IMPORTANT THING IS ARE
YOU GUYS LEARNING ANYTHING?
- YES, WE ARE.
WE LEARNED THAT YOUR
LEGS GOT A LOT TO BE DESIRED.
- HEY, YOU GONNA COME
BACK AFTER THE SHOW,
SAY "HELLO?"
- NAH, NAH. I DON'T THINK SO.
I MEAN I GOTTA GET
UP EARLY FOR SCHOOL.
I DON'T WANNA BE LATE.
IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT.
- WELL, WE GOTTA
GO. SEE YOU LATER.
- TAKE IT EASY.
- HASTA LA VISTA.
- TOMMY LASORDA.
- WELL,
UH, THEY SEEM TO BE REALLY
ENJOYING THEIR NEW TEACHER.
- YEAH, THEY DO.
YOU A LITTLE JEALOUS?
- I TOLD YOU TO WALK BY,
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
Mr. Woodman: COME
ON, GABE KOTTER'S
A CLOSE PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.
KOTTER, WILL YOU TELL
THIS PUNK YOU KNOW ME?
- OH, HE'S ALL RIGHT. HE'S
MY WIFE'S HAIRDRESSER.
- VERY FUNNY, KOTTER.
SAVE IT FOR THE STAGE.
I'VE GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
- SURE, MR. WOODMAN. SIT DOWN.
- IT'S ABOUT THE SWEATHOGS.
THEY'VE GONE CRAZY.
- MR. WOODMAN, THE
SWEATHOGS WERE JUST HERE.
THEY SEEMED FINE.
- AH, THEY WERE JUST
PUTTING ON AN ACT.
KOTTER, THEY WENT BERSERK
EVER SINCE YOU LEFT SCHOOL.
FIRST, THEY PUT CASTERS
UNDER ALL THE OFFICE MACHINES
AND STARTED A DEMOLITION DERBY.
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY, JULIE?
WELL, THE SCHOOL
NUTRITIONIST WASN'T LAUGHING
WHEN THEY LOCKED HIM IN
THE FROZEN FOOD LOCKER.
IF THAT WASN'T BAD ENOUGH
THEY TRIED TO TAKE
HIS TEMPERATURE
WITH A MEAT THERMOMETER.
- OH! HOW AWFUL.
- FUNNY, BUT AWFUL.
- NO, IT WASN'T.
IT WAS WONDERFUL.
- WHAT?
DID YOU JUST SAY,
"IT WAS WONDERFUL?"
- IT WAS A CHANCE TO
PUNISH WITH ABANDON.
I GAVE OUT MORE
PINK SLIPS IN ONE DAY
THAN I DID IN EIGHT YEARS.
IT WAS WOODMAN'S
GOLDEN REIGN OF TERROR.
THAT GLORIOUS TIME IS GONE.
- WHAT'S GOIN' ON NOW?
- NOW, THEY WON'T DO ANYTHING.
THEY'RE WITHDRAWN.
THEY'RE DEPRESSED.
THEY'RE LIKE EXTRAS
IN A ZOMBIE MOVIE.
KOTTER, I'M ONLY
GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.
IT'S TOO HUMILIATING TO REPEAT.
- SAY WHAT?
- WE NEED YOU.
- WHAT?
- OH, COME ON, KOTTER.
DON'T TORTURE ME.
- I'M NOT TRYING TO TORTURE YOU.
I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T HEAR YOU.
- WE NEED YOU, ALL
RIGHT? YOU'RE HAPPY NOW?
I'M A BROKEN MAN, YOU SADIST.
YOU WANNA HEAR IT AGAIN?
WE NEED YOU.
WE NEED YOU!
WE NEED YOU!
- WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT I WOULD SEE THE DAY
THAT MR. WOODMAN
SAYS HE NEEDS ME.
- WELL, I'M GLAD HE
FINALLY ADMITTED IT.
- HOW ABOUT THOSE GUYS, HUH?
COMING IN HERE AND PUTTING
ON A NUMBER LIKE THAT?
- I KNOW, THEIR ACT WAS
BETTER THAN YOURS IS.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, HONEY?
- AS VINNIE BARBARINO
WOULD SAY, "I'M SO CONFUSED."
WHAT DO YOU THINK I SHOULD DO?
- I THINK YOU SHOULD GO BACK.
THOSE KIDS LOVE YOU, HONEY,
AND YOU LOVE TEACHING.
- YOU'RE RIGHT.
BUT HOW CAN I NOW?
I MEAN WHAT DO I TELL 'EM?
LOOK, GUYS, WHEN
YOUR DREAM COMES TRUE
YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.
JULIE, IF I GO OUT
THERE AND DO GOOD
THAT'S 32 WEEKS ON THE ROAD.
- BUT IF YOU GO OUT
THERE AND DO BAD
THAT'S BACK TO THE CLASSROOM.
- I'M NOT GONNA DO BAD,
I'VE BEEN DOIN'
GOOD EVERY NIGHT.
- I HEARD OF BOMBS, MR. KOTTER.
BUT WHAT YOU DID LAST NIGHT,
THAT WAS A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION.
- HEY, MR. KOTTER, UM,
THEY'VE GOT A REVIEW
OF YOUR ACT RIGHT
HERE IN THE NEWSPAPER.
IN THE OBITUARY COLUMN.
- MR. KOTTER, IT
WAS A NOBLE EFFORT.
AT LEAST YOU TRIED.
- YEAH, HE SHOULD BE
TRIED AND CONVICTED
FOR JOKE SLAUGHTER.
- OKAY, PEOPLE, IF
YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN,
CAN I GET BACK TO WHAT I...
- I AGREE, KOTTER.
ESPECIALLY AFTER LAST NIGHT.
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME I
EVER SAW AN AUDIENCE
JUMP UP AND FORM A POSSE.
- YOU KNOW, MR. WOODMAN
WALKED OUT THREE TIMES.
TWICE ON YOU AND
ONCE ON THE CHECK.
- WELL, STRAIGHTEN UP, KOTTER.
YOU'RE LUCKY TO HAVE
YOUR OLD JOB BACK.
STEP OUTSIDE A MINUTE.
- YEAH, OKAY. I'LL
BE RIGHT BACK.
- KOTTER, YOU COULDN'T
HAVE BEEN WORSE LAST NIGHT
IF YOU TRIED.
DID YOU?
- DID I WHAT?
- DID YOU BOMB OUT ON PURPOSE?
- WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE,
MR. WOODMAN?
LOOK, I GOT A CHANCE
TO LIVE OUT A DREAM.
THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING.
- WELL, YOUR DREAM IS OVER.
YOU BETTER GET BACK
TO YOUR NIGHTMARE.
- WELL.
GUESS THAT'S THE END OF
YOUR SHOW BUSINESS CAREER.
- NOT QUITE.
STORY TIME.
WHICH UNCLE?
- PICK ONE.
- UNCLE HERBERT.
- UNCLE HERBERT. OKAY.
ONE DAY UNCLE HERBERT'S
IN A MOVIE THEATRE.
HE STARTS CRAWLING
AROUND UNDER THE SEATS.
USHER COMES UP TO HIM,
HE SAYS, "SIR,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
CRAWLING AROUND
UNDER THE SEATS?"
UNCLE HERBERT SAYS,
"I LOST A PIECE OF
BUTTERSCOTCH CARAMEL."
KEEPS ON CRAWLING
UNDER THE SEATS.
"YES, SIR, WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT
ABOUT A PIECE OF
BUTTERSCOTCH CARAMEL?"
MY UNCLE HERBERT
LOOKS UP AND SAYS,
"MY TEETH ARE IN IT."
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪
♪ ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪