Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 17 - Meet Your New Teacher: Batteries Not Included - full transcript
MY UNCLE MAGNANOVICH KOTTER?
MAGNANOVICH?
YES, HE WAS MY UNCLE.
ONE TIME HE READS
THIS AD IN THE PAPER,
"CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WANTED
150 MILES OUT OF TOWN."
HE GOES THERE, GETS THE JOB.
WEEK LATER, HE WIRES BACK,
"SYLVIA"...THAT'S MY
AUNT'S NAME..."SYLVIA,
I'VE GOTTEN JOB,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'VE BEEN PROMOTED TO FOREMAN,
A FEATHER IN MY CAP."
- TERRIFIC, HUH?
- THAT'S TERRIFIC.
BUT THAT'S NOT OVER YET.
TWO WEEKS LATER,
HE WIRES, "SYLVIA,
I'VE BEEN PROMOTED TO MANAGER,
ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP."
OUTSTANDING, RIGHT?
OUTSTANDING, BUT NOT OVER YET.
NOT OVER YET, NO.
THREE WEEKS
LATER, HE WIRES BACK,
"SYLVIA, I'VE MADE
VICE PRESIDENT,
ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP."
HE WAS DOING GREAT.
- WHAT A GUY, WASN'T HE?
- WHAT A GUY.
EXCEPT TWO WEEKS
AFTER THAT, HE WIRES,
"SYLVIA, I'VE BEEN FIRED.
SEND MONEY SO I CAN
TAKE THE TRAIN HOME."
SYLVIA WIRES BACK,
"USE ALL YOUR
FEATHERS AND FLY HOME."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
GO ON, ARNOLD, GO ON,
MAN, YOU CAN HANDLE IT.
DEAL... JUST DEAL WITH IT.
MIND OVER MATTER, GO
AHEAD, BEND THAT SPOON.
GO AHEAD, BEND THAT.
OH, SOMETHING'S HAPPENING,
SOMETHING'S HAPPENING!
SOMETHING IS
DEFINITELY HAPPENIN'!
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
I THINK YOU JUST
SHRUNK MY SHORTS.
GET BENT.
GET BENT!
MIND OVER MATTER.
GET BENT.
THERE YOU GO, ARNOLD.
HEY, THAT'S EVEN BETTER.
EPSTEIN OVER MATTER.
MORNING.
ARNOLD, HAVE YOU HAD
SOME OF MY MOTHER'S
MATZAH BALL SOUP?
MR. KOTTER.
SPEAKING ABOUT, UH,
SPEAKING ABOUT MATZAH BALLS,
WHERE'S BARBARINO?
UH, HIS FAMILY
TOOK HIM TO JERSEY.
WHY, WAS HE BEING PUNISHED?
NAH, NAH, HIS COUSIN
HAD AN ACCIDENT.
OH, WOW, IN A CAR?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT
VINNIE'S GONNA BE THE BEST MAN.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.
TODAY I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
PRE-COLUMBIAN EXPLORATION.
NOW OPEN YOUR BOOKS
AND NO INTERRUPTIONS.
- I THINK WE SHOULD...
- DELIGHTED TO INTERRUPT.
KOTTER, I HAVE
GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.
WHAT, YOUR PET
SCORPION HAD A LITTER?
VERY FUNNY, KOTTER.
TODAY IS THE DAY BUCHANAN
ENTERS THE COMPUTER AGE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE HAVE A BIG
SURPRISE FOR YOU TODAY.
OKAY, YOU CAN BRING IT IN.
THANK YOU, MISS SCHWARTZ.
♪ DA-DA-DA-DUM ♪
HERE IT IS, GREATEST
EDUCATIONAL ADVANCE
IN 50 YEARS.
HEY, UM, DOES THAT
THING GET SOUL TRAIN?
OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S A HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL
COMPUTER TERMINAL
LOANED TO US BY THE UNIVERSITY.
YOU PEOPLE SHOULD FEEL HONORED.
THE UNIVERSITY SEARCHED
FOR THREE MONTHS
TO FIND EXACTLY THE RIGHT
CLASS TO TRY OUT THIS COMPUTER.
YEAH, AND IF IT WORKS HERE,
WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT UP A STEP
AND TRY IT ON SOME CHIMPS.
SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN,
YOU GET NO BANANAS FOR LUNCH.
♪ YES, YOU GET NO
BANANAS FOR LUNCH
OR FOR DINNER TODAY ♪
♪ YOU GET SCALLIONS AND ONIONS ♪
AND THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT, OKAY.
NOW, THIS IS WHAT
YOU CALL A TERMINAL.
TERMINAL. IT IS HOOKED
UP TO A COMPUTER.
NOW, IN ORDER TO
ACTIVATE THE COMPUTER,
I HAVE TO GIVE IT A
MESSAGE IN CODE.
OH, CODE!
LIKE, "IT'S SNOWING IN BERLIN."
SO MOVE TO MIAMI.
NO, THE PASSWORD
THAT THIS COMPUTER
IS SUPPOSED TO
RECOGNIZE IS "MR. KOTTER."
LET'S TRY IT.
TURN IT ON.
"MR... T-T-E-R."
MR. KOTTER, YOU
HAVE BEEN RECOGNIZED.
OH, WOW!
OH, THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
WOW.
HOW'D YOU DO THAT
WITHOUT MOVIN' YOUR LIPS?
IT WASN'T ME, EPSTEIN,
THAT WAS THE COMPUTER.
WELL, DRINK A GLASS OF
WATER AND SEE IF IT TALKS THEN.
OKAY, NOW WATCH. I'M GONNA
PROGRAM IT FOR DATA INFORMATION.
WHAT INFORMATION DO YOU REQUIRE?
OOH, OOH, OOH,
OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH!
I GOT A QUESTION
FOR THE COMPUTER.
WHAT, ARNOLD?
CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM?
ARNOLD, THERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS
THE COMPUTER CAN'T HANDLE.
NOW, DO YOU REALLY HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?
WELL, NOT THAT I KNOW
OF, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN NATURE WILL
RING ITS LITTLE BELL.
DING!
ALL RIGHT, NOW TODAY,
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LEARN
ABOUT PRE-COLUMBIAN EXPLORATION.
NOW, DOES ANYBODY
HAVE A QUESTION ON THAT?
YEAH, ME.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
THAT'S MY QUESTION, WHAT IS IT?
OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.
AMERICAN HISTORY, PRE...
COLUMBIAN EXPLORATION.
IN 986, THE FIRST NORSE
COLONY WAS ESTABLISHED
ON THE COAST OF
GREENLAND BY ERIK THE RED.
ERIK THE RED?
THAT'S RIGHT, AND
THAT WAS 1200 YEARS
BEFORE JAMES THE
BROWN, SLAPPY THE WHITE,
AND SHECKY THE GREENE.
YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY
GOOD. EH, LET'S CHECK IT OUT,
LET'S SEE WHAT THAT
MACHINE THINKS ABOUT THAT,
MR. KOTTER.
ALL RIGHT.
"JAMES THE... BROWN."
NOT FUNNY.
OKAY, ROBIN, PLANE
TAKING OFF FOR OMAHA,
KANSAS CITY, AND DETROIT.
OPEN THE HANGAR, HERE IT COMES.
GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL.
- THERE YOU GO.
- HONEY?
RACHEL'S ASLEEP,
HOW'S ROBIN DOIN'?
SHE'S GONNA BE FINE
JUST AS SOON AS WE LAND
IN BOMBAY.
WE'RE GOIN' ALL
THE WAY TO BOMBAY.
BOMBAY PLANE COMING
IN, BOMBAY PLANE.
COME ON, WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU DON'T LIKE THE MOVIE?
COME ON, OPEN UP, ONE MORE,
ONE MORE, ROBIN, ONE MORE.
THAT'S GREAT, HONEY, SHE
USUALLY HATES STRAINED BANANAS.
THAT'S HOW THEY
GOT ON THE WALLS.
WELL, THEY'VE DONE
SOMETHIN' WITH THIS.
SAYS "NEW AND IMPROVED."
YEAH, THE PROBABLY
LEFT OUT THE BANANAS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU
SPENDING MORE TIME
WITH THE GIRLS, HONEY.
USUALLY NOW YOU'RE
PREPARING TOMORROW'S LESSON.
COME ON, BABY, COME ON, BABY.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO
THAT NOW, HONEY.
THE COMPUTER DOES THAT.
OH? WELL, WHAT
ABOUT GRADING PAPERS?
THE COMPUTER DOES THAT, TOO.
MARKING TESTS?
COMPUTER.
SO WHO NEEDS YOU?
I WAS HOPING THAT YOU DID.
- OH, WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
- ON WHAT?
DEPENDS ON HOW
TALL THE COMPUTER IS.
ISN'T YOUR MOMMY
A FUNNY LADY, ROBIN?
ISN'T SHE FUNNY?
LOOK, SAY "FUNNY MOMMY,"
STICK YOUR TONGUE
OUT AT HER, THAT'S GOOD.
SAY GOODNIGHT TO YOUR DADDY.
- COME ON.
- GOODNIGHT, ROBIN.
- GO TO MAMA.
- SAY GOODNIGHT TO DADDY.
AW.
SAY "GOODNIGHT, DADDY."
GOODNIGHT, DADDY!
BYE BYE.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, THAT
COMPUTER'S REALLY TERRIFIC.
THE KIDS LOVE IT AND IT
MAKES MY JOB A LOT EASIER.
BUT, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?
- WHAT DO I DO NOW?
- YEAH.
I TURN ON THE COMPUTER.
THAT'S IT?
NO. AT 12 O'CLOCK I TURN IT OFF,
AND AT ONE O'CLOCK, I
TURN IT BACK ON AGAIN.
OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT, HONEY.
IT GIVES YOU ALL
SORTS OF FREE TIME
TO FIX THINGS AROUND HERE.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL BE
HAPPY TO FIX ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
REMEMBER THE LAST TIME
I HAD SO MUCH FREE TIME.
I CAN.
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
WE HAD TWINS.
MAJOR GENERALS SIR WILLIAM
HOWE, SIR HENRY CLINTON,
AND JOHN BURGOYNE
ARRIVED MAY 25TH
TO ASSIST GAGE.
HEY, THAT MACHINE, IT'S
REALLY PRETTY SMART.
OH YEAH?
WELL, MY UNCLE'S GOT SOMETHIN'
EVEN SMARTER THAN THAT.
WELL, WHAT'S IT CALLED?
MY AUNT.
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT
GAGE WAS THE FIRST GENERAL...
SHH! COME ON, YOU'RE
WRECKIN' THE RECORDING HERE.
BE COOL, BABY.
OH, INCREDIBLE STRATEGY, OH!
"INCREDIBLE STRATEGY!"
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE BIG
DEAL ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF?
I TAUGHT THIS TO
YOU TWO MONTHS AGO.
MR. KOTTER, THIS IS A KEY.
NOW DON'T YOU GOT NOTHIN' TO DO?
CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE
BUSY HERE LEARNIN'?
- YEAH.
- I GOT PLENTY TO DO.
THERE'S OVER 300
WAYS TO PLAY SOLITAIRE.
SOLITAIRE, KOTTER?
YOU RUN OUT OF PLAY-DOH?
HEY, COME ON!
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!
I HAVE EXCITING NEWS.
LOOK AT THIS.
HEY, LOOK AT THAT.
MR. WOODMAN LEARNED
TO COLOR INSIDE THE LINES.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
AND TOMORROW WE GONNA
LET YOU COLOR A HORSY.
I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU NERDS
THAT THE GRADES OF EVERYONE
IN THIS ROOM HAVE
GONE UP DRAMATICALLY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS?
YEAH, IT MEANS YOU'RE
IN THE WRONG ROOM.
NOW TURN ON THE MACHINE,
TURN ON THE MACHINE!
IT MEANS, IT MEANS, IT
MEANS I'M GONNA LOOK GREAT.
IT WAS ALL MY IDEA.
THEY'LL DEFINITELY
MAKE ME PRINCIPAL.
OH YEAH?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS.
HE'S AN OLD GUY.
CAN I SEE THAT, MR. WOODMAN?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
BY BRINGING THIS
COMPUTER IN HERE,
YOU DID A GREAT THING.
YOUR AVERAGES ARE OVER 75.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- YOU'RE A GENIUS.
- YOU'RE A GENIUS.
- YOU'RE A GENIUS.
- YES.
FACE IT, KOTTER.
YOU'RE OUT OF DATE.
YOU'RE A DESOTO IN
A WORLD OF DATSUNS.
COME ON, TURN THE
MACHINE BACK ON.
COME ON!
I WANNA HEAR THE MACHINE.
I WANNA HEAR THE MACHINE.
THE REDOUBT WAS
GARRISONED BY 1,600 MEN
WITH SIX CANNONS...
SALLY, SALLY, SALLY, SALLY,
SALLY, SALLY, SALLY...
JUST A SECOND, OLIVER.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, YOU
SHOULD NOT BE SO UPSET
ABOUT THAT COMPUTER.
IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WOODROW
WILSON SAID ABOUT INCOME TAX.
YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS
ME THE MOST, HONEY?
TEACHING JUST ISN'T FUN ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
ARE LETTING THE COMPUTER
PROGRAM YOU.
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO PUSH THE BUTTONS.
I CAN'T HELP IT, J... WHERE'S
THE SALAD DRESSING?
OH, I'M SORRY, I
FORGOT IT, HONEY.
- WHAT KIND DO YOU WANT?
- ANY KIND, DOESN'T MATTER.
I CAN'T HELP IT, I FEEL LIKE
THE COMPUTER'S THE MEAT
AND I'M THE HAMBURGER HELPER.
OH, GABE.
I'M SORRY, HONEY, I
DON'T LIKE THIS KIND.
WELL, WHAT KIND DO
YOU WANT, HONEY?
ANY KIND BESIDE THIS.
I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW...
I KNOW, HONEY, IT'S OKAY,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.
NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
BE FINE, IT'LL BE FINE. I
ALWAYS LIKE DRESSING
THAT'S FOUR MONTHS OLD.
TWO.
LOOK, HONEY, IT'S ONLY A TOY.
THE KIDS WILL GET BORED WITH IT.
I THINK THEY ARE
GETTING TIRED OF IT.
THIS AFTERNOON I
CAUGHT WASHINGTON
TRYING TO MAKE IT PLAY PONG.
YOU'RE KIDDING?
KIDDING?
I AM NOT PROGRAMMED FOR KIDDING.
I AM ONLY PROGRAMMED
FOR JOSHING.
JOSHING?
DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE JOSH?
HE WAS A MODEL 324X0.
ONE TIME THIS PRETTY COMPUTER
PROGRAM TRAINEE CAME IN
AND STARTED TO
PUNCH HIS BUTTONS.
HE SAID, "HEY, WAIT A SECOND.
TAKE ME OUT A FEW TIMES FIRST."
ON FEBRUARY 26TH...
HEY, BABY, DEAL.
MILITARY SUPPLIES BUT WERE
TURNED BACK WITHOUT VIOLENCE
ON MARCHED 23RD...
ALL RIGHT, FREDDIE, THE TRUTH.
I THINK YOU'RE BLUFFING.
OH YEAH?
GO FISH.
GOOD MORNING.
EXCUSE ME, UH, FOR INTERRUPTING,
BUT ISN'T ANYBODY
LISTENING TO THE COMPUTER?
NO.
SIT DOWN.
EPSTEIN, WHAT'S THE
COMPUTER BEEN TALKING ABOUT?
PAUL REVERE'S RIDE.
THAT'S AMAZING, YOU CAN HEAR
THINGS WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
PUT ME TO SLEEP?
MR. KOTTER, FOR AN HOUR
THAT THING'S BEEN DOIN' NOTHIN'
BUT TALKIN' ABOUT
PAUL REVERE'S RIDE.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IT'S JUST A STORY ABOUT
A MAN AND HIS HORSE.
ACTUALLY, DO YOU KNOW
THAT THERE WERE TWO MEN?
WILLIAM DAWES RODE
ALONG WITH PAUL REVERE?
GEE, THAT'S REALLY CHEAP.
TWO MEN ON A HORSE.
HEY, UM, MR. KOTTER,
I... I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT PAUL REVERE HAD A PARTNER.
WELL, NOT TOO MANY
PEOPLE DO, FREDDIE.
YOU SEE, WILLIAM DAWES
WAS LIKE A REGULAR GUY,
HE WASN'T A SHOW-OFF.
SO WHEN THEY RODE
INTO TOWN, HE SAID,
"GO AHEAD, PAUL, YOU TELL 'EM."
ANYWAY, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT YOU LEARN
ABOUT WILLIAM DAWES,
BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT
OF PEOPLE IN HISTORY
THAT DON'T...
I THOUGHT SO, KOTTER.
BACK TO YOUR OLD
TRICKS... TEACHING.
MR. WOODMAN, I THINK THE
GUYS ARE GETTING A LITTLE TIRED
OF THIS COMPUTER.
NONSENSE.
THEY LOVE IT.
MACHINES AREN'T BORING,
PEOPLE ARE BORING.
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO OUR NEW SHOW,
"PEOPLE ARE BORING!"
AND HERE'S OUR
NEW HOST, AL DOE...
AMERICA'S FAVORITE BORE.
NOT GONNA SPOIL MY DAY,
'CAUSE I HAVE GREAT NEWS.
OH?
YOU RAN OVER BENJI?
BETTER!
THE UNIVERSITY HAS
OFFERED US THE COMPUTER
FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER.
OH, MAN!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, CORK IT, CLOWNS.
MR. JAN OF THE SCHOOL BOARD IS
COMING BY TOMORROW TO DECIDE.
KOTTER, THIS MACHINE
IS MY TICKET TO THE TOP,
AND NOTHING BETTER GO WRONG.
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
THAT'S THE SAME THING
GENERAL CUSTER SAID
THE NIGHT BEFORE LITTLE BIGHORN.
THINK THAT'LL DO IT, FREDDIE?
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
IT WORKED ON MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
GOT IT COVERED.
HEY, THEY'RE COMING,
THEY'RE COMING.
SHH, SHH, YOU ALL
KNOW WHAT TO DO.
OKAY.
GOOD MORNING, GOOD
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
YOU ALL REMEMBER MR. JAN
FROM THE SCHOOL BOARD.
HELLO MR. JAN FROM
THE SCHOOL BOARD.
I, UH, I WAS JUST TELLING
MR. JAN THAT ONLY LAST WEEK
THIS CLASS WAS STUPID.
THANKS A LOT, MR. WOODMAN.
MR. KOTTER, AS YOU KNOW,
WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO USE THIS MACHINE
FOR ANOTHER SEMESTER.
WELL, MR. KOTTER, I'D LIKE
TO SEE A DEMONSTRATION.
BEFORE I DO THAT, I
WOULD LIKE TO SAY
I THINK THIS MACHINE
CAN HELP AS AN AID,
BUT WHAT'S HAPPENING
HERE IS THE MACHINE...
CORK IT, KOTTER, TURN IT ON.
CHOP, CHOP, NO OFFENSE, MR. JAN.
HEY MR. KOTTER, MAYBE YOU
OUGHT NOT TURN THAT ON...
AH, NAH, IT'S OKAY.
GO AHEAD, TURN IT ON, KOTTER.
IT'S OKAY, GO AHEAD,
TURN IT ON, GO AHEAD.
ALL RIGHT, ANY
PARTICULAR SUBJECT?
MM, HOW ABOUT THE
BATTLE OF WATERLOO?
OKAY.
EUROPEAN HISTORY,
BATTLE OF... WATERLOO.
NOW WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS.
THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO
WAS FOUGHT IN 1850.
YOU SEE?
THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON
COMMANDED THE ALLIED FORCES,
WHICH INCLUDED
ENGLAND, AUSTRIA, PRUSSIA,
AND THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.
WHAT?
THEY ALL BANDED FORCES TO
FIGHT THE ARMIES OF NAPOLEON,
JULIE ANDREWS, AND THE MUPPETS.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU BETTER
HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
I DO.
HE DID IT.
HIM AND HIS PUNKS,
THEY RUINED MY MACHINE.
YOU CAN'T PROVE NOTHIN'!
ALL RIGHT, CORK IT, EPSTEIN.
MR. JAN, I'M AFRAID
MR. WOODMAN IS PROBABLY RIGHT.
BUT YOU HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND WHY THEY DID IT.
HE MADE THEM THINK THAT THEIR
TEACHER WAS BEING REPLACED
BY A MACHINE.
I HAD A DREAM.
LOOK, LIKE I WAS
TRYING TO SAY BEFORE,
THIS MACHINE IS VALUABLE.
IT SHOULD BE USED BY A TEACHER,
NOT INSTEAD OF A TEACHER.
I AGREE, MR. KOTTER.
HOWEVER, WE MAY FIND A BETTER
PLACE FOR THIS COMPUTER...
SAY, IN ADMINISTRATION.
MR. JAN!
MR. JAN, WAIT!
I'LL BE BACK, KOTTER, AS
SOON AS I HAVE MY SPASM.
WHY DID YOU DO IT?
HEY LOOK, MR. KOTTER,
WE HAD TO DO SOMETHIN'.
I MEAN, ONE MORE WEEK WITH
THAT COMPUTER MACHINE...
MAN, WE WOULD HAVE
GOT A DIPLOMA IN SLEEPIN'.
WASHINGTON, THAT MACHINE
BELONGS TO THE UNIVERSITY.
NOW YOU GUYS HAD NO
RIGHT TO TAMPER WITH IT.
COME ON, COME ON,
MR. KOTTER, IT WAS A CRISIS.
WE WAS DESPERATE
PEOPLE IN A DESPERATE HOUR,
I MEAN, JUST LIKE PAUL
REVERE AND MR. DAWES.
DON'T MAKE ANY
ANALOGIES HERE, EPSTEIN.
YOU WERE WRONG AND THAT'S THAT.
OKAY, OKAY, MR. KOTTER,
WE WAS WRONG.
GO AHEAD, SIT DOWN.
NOW, WE'LL GET BACK TO TEACHING
THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
ONE HUMAN TO ANOTHER HUMAN.
ON JUNE 26TH, 1783... ♪
ONE... NIGHT... MY
AUNT... MARIAN...
SENT MY UNCLE BILL OUT
AT THREE O'CLOCK
IN THE MORNING...
FOR A... PIZZA.
TO GET A PIZZA.
IT... WITH... ANCHOVIES.
WITH ANCHOVIES.
THE PIZZA MAN SAID, "HEY, BILL,
IT'S SNOWING AND
RAINING OUTSIDE.
WHY DID YOU COME
TO GET A PIZZA?"
WHY DID YOU COME TO GET A PIZZA?
MY UNCLE BILL
SAID, "IT WASN'T ME,
MY WIFE SENT ME OUT."
MY WIFE SENT ME OUT.
THE PIZZA MAN SAID,
"YOUR WIFE SENT YOU OUT
THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING
TO GET A PIZZA?"
TO GET A PIZZA?
MY UNCLE BILL SAID,
"DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER
WOULD SEND ME OUT
ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?"
ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?
DON'T YOU... GET IT?
NO.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND A SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A
SCENE YOU WERE LEARNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHIN' THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪♪
MAGNANOVICH?
YES, HE WAS MY UNCLE.
ONE TIME HE READS
THIS AD IN THE PAPER,
"CONSTRUCTION WORKERS WANTED
150 MILES OUT OF TOWN."
HE GOES THERE, GETS THE JOB.
WEEK LATER, HE WIRES BACK,
"SYLVIA"...THAT'S MY
AUNT'S NAME..."SYLVIA,
I'VE GOTTEN JOB,
AND YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'VE BEEN PROMOTED TO FOREMAN,
A FEATHER IN MY CAP."
- TERRIFIC, HUH?
- THAT'S TERRIFIC.
BUT THAT'S NOT OVER YET.
TWO WEEKS LATER,
HE WIRES, "SYLVIA,
I'VE BEEN PROMOTED TO MANAGER,
ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP."
OUTSTANDING, RIGHT?
OUTSTANDING, BUT NOT OVER YET.
NOT OVER YET, NO.
THREE WEEKS
LATER, HE WIRES BACK,
"SYLVIA, I'VE MADE
VICE PRESIDENT,
ANOTHER FEATHER IN MY CAP."
HE WAS DOING GREAT.
- WHAT A GUY, WASN'T HE?
- WHAT A GUY.
EXCEPT TWO WEEKS
AFTER THAT, HE WIRES,
"SYLVIA, I'VE BEEN FIRED.
SEND MONEY SO I CAN
TAKE THE TRAIN HOME."
SYLVIA WIRES BACK,
"USE ALL YOUR
FEATHERS AND FLY HOME."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
GO ON, ARNOLD, GO ON,
MAN, YOU CAN HANDLE IT.
DEAL... JUST DEAL WITH IT.
MIND OVER MATTER, GO
AHEAD, BEND THAT SPOON.
GO AHEAD, BEND THAT.
OH, SOMETHING'S HAPPENING,
SOMETHING'S HAPPENING!
SOMETHING IS
DEFINITELY HAPPENIN'!
WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?
I THINK YOU JUST
SHRUNK MY SHORTS.
GET BENT.
GET BENT!
MIND OVER MATTER.
GET BENT.
THERE YOU GO, ARNOLD.
HEY, THAT'S EVEN BETTER.
EPSTEIN OVER MATTER.
MORNING.
ARNOLD, HAVE YOU HAD
SOME OF MY MOTHER'S
MATZAH BALL SOUP?
MR. KOTTER.
SPEAKING ABOUT, UH,
SPEAKING ABOUT MATZAH BALLS,
WHERE'S BARBARINO?
UH, HIS FAMILY
TOOK HIM TO JERSEY.
WHY, WAS HE BEING PUNISHED?
NAH, NAH, HIS COUSIN
HAD AN ACCIDENT.
OH, WOW, IN A CAR?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW, BUT
VINNIE'S GONNA BE THE BEST MAN.
ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH ABOUT THAT.
TODAY I'D LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
PRE-COLUMBIAN EXPLORATION.
NOW OPEN YOUR BOOKS
AND NO INTERRUPTIONS.
- I THINK WE SHOULD...
- DELIGHTED TO INTERRUPT.
KOTTER, I HAVE
GREAT NEWS FOR YOU.
WHAT, YOUR PET
SCORPION HAD A LITTER?
VERY FUNNY, KOTTER.
TODAY IS THE DAY BUCHANAN
ENTERS THE COMPUTER AGE.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WE HAVE A BIG
SURPRISE FOR YOU TODAY.
OKAY, YOU CAN BRING IT IN.
THANK YOU, MISS SCHWARTZ.
♪ DA-DA-DA-DUM ♪
HERE IT IS, GREATEST
EDUCATIONAL ADVANCE
IN 50 YEARS.
HEY, UM, DOES THAT
THING GET SOUL TRAIN?
OF COURSE NOT.
IT'S A HIGHLY EXPERIMENTAL
COMPUTER TERMINAL
LOANED TO US BY THE UNIVERSITY.
YOU PEOPLE SHOULD FEEL HONORED.
THE UNIVERSITY SEARCHED
FOR THREE MONTHS
TO FIND EXACTLY THE RIGHT
CLASS TO TRY OUT THIS COMPUTER.
YEAH, AND IF IT WORKS HERE,
WE'RE GONNA TAKE IT UP A STEP
AND TRY IT ON SOME CHIMPS.
SETTLE DOWN, SETTLE DOWN,
YOU GET NO BANANAS FOR LUNCH.
♪ YES, YOU GET NO
BANANAS FOR LUNCH
OR FOR DINNER TODAY ♪
♪ YOU GET SCALLIONS AND ONIONS ♪
AND THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT, OKAY.
NOW, THIS IS WHAT
YOU CALL A TERMINAL.
TERMINAL. IT IS HOOKED
UP TO A COMPUTER.
NOW, IN ORDER TO
ACTIVATE THE COMPUTER,
I HAVE TO GIVE IT A
MESSAGE IN CODE.
OH, CODE!
LIKE, "IT'S SNOWING IN BERLIN."
SO MOVE TO MIAMI.
NO, THE PASSWORD
THAT THIS COMPUTER
IS SUPPOSED TO
RECOGNIZE IS "MR. KOTTER."
LET'S TRY IT.
TURN IT ON.
"MR... T-T-E-R."
MR. KOTTER, YOU
HAVE BEEN RECOGNIZED.
OH, WOW!
OH, THAT'S PRETTY COOL.
WOW.
HOW'D YOU DO THAT
WITHOUT MOVIN' YOUR LIPS?
IT WASN'T ME, EPSTEIN,
THAT WAS THE COMPUTER.
WELL, DRINK A GLASS OF
WATER AND SEE IF IT TALKS THEN.
OKAY, NOW WATCH. I'M GONNA
PROGRAM IT FOR DATA INFORMATION.
WHAT INFORMATION DO YOU REQUIRE?
OOH, OOH, OOH,
OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH!
I GOT A QUESTION
FOR THE COMPUTER.
WHAT, ARNOLD?
CAN I GO TO THE BATHROOM?
ARNOLD, THERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS
THE COMPUTER CAN'T HANDLE.
NOW, DO YOU REALLY HAVE
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?
WELL, NOT THAT I KNOW
OF, BUT YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN NATURE WILL
RING ITS LITTLE BELL.
DING!
ALL RIGHT, NOW TODAY,
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO LEARN
ABOUT PRE-COLUMBIAN EXPLORATION.
NOW, DOES ANYBODY
HAVE A QUESTION ON THAT?
YEAH, ME.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
THAT'S MY QUESTION, WHAT IS IT?
OKAY, LET'S FIND OUT.
AMERICAN HISTORY, PRE...
COLUMBIAN EXPLORATION.
IN 986, THE FIRST NORSE
COLONY WAS ESTABLISHED
ON THE COAST OF
GREENLAND BY ERIK THE RED.
ERIK THE RED?
THAT'S RIGHT, AND
THAT WAS 1200 YEARS
BEFORE JAMES THE
BROWN, SLAPPY THE WHITE,
AND SHECKY THE GREENE.
YEAH, THAT'S PRETTY
GOOD. EH, LET'S CHECK IT OUT,
LET'S SEE WHAT THAT
MACHINE THINKS ABOUT THAT,
MR. KOTTER.
ALL RIGHT.
"JAMES THE... BROWN."
NOT FUNNY.
OKAY, ROBIN, PLANE
TAKING OFF FOR OMAHA,
KANSAS CITY, AND DETROIT.
OPEN THE HANGAR, HERE IT COMES.
GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL.
- THERE YOU GO.
- HONEY?
RACHEL'S ASLEEP,
HOW'S ROBIN DOIN'?
SHE'S GONNA BE FINE
JUST AS SOON AS WE LAND
IN BOMBAY.
WE'RE GOIN' ALL
THE WAY TO BOMBAY.
BOMBAY PLANE COMING
IN, BOMBAY PLANE.
COME ON, WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU DON'T LIKE THE MOVIE?
COME ON, OPEN UP, ONE MORE,
ONE MORE, ROBIN, ONE MORE.
THAT'S GREAT, HONEY, SHE
USUALLY HATES STRAINED BANANAS.
THAT'S HOW THEY
GOT ON THE WALLS.
WELL, THEY'VE DONE
SOMETHIN' WITH THIS.
SAYS "NEW AND IMPROVED."
YEAH, THE PROBABLY
LEFT OUT THE BANANAS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU
SPENDING MORE TIME
WITH THE GIRLS, HONEY.
USUALLY NOW YOU'RE
PREPARING TOMORROW'S LESSON.
COME ON, BABY, COME ON, BABY.
I DON'T HAVE TO DO
THAT NOW, HONEY.
THE COMPUTER DOES THAT.
OH? WELL, WHAT
ABOUT GRADING PAPERS?
THE COMPUTER DOES THAT, TOO.
MARKING TESTS?
COMPUTER.
SO WHO NEEDS YOU?
I WAS HOPING THAT YOU DID.
- OH, WELL, THAT DEPENDS.
- ON WHAT?
DEPENDS ON HOW
TALL THE COMPUTER IS.
ISN'T YOUR MOMMY
A FUNNY LADY, ROBIN?
ISN'T SHE FUNNY?
LOOK, SAY "FUNNY MOMMY,"
STICK YOUR TONGUE
OUT AT HER, THAT'S GOOD.
SAY GOODNIGHT TO YOUR DADDY.
- COME ON.
- GOODNIGHT, ROBIN.
- GO TO MAMA.
- SAY GOODNIGHT TO DADDY.
AW.
SAY "GOODNIGHT, DADDY."
GOODNIGHT, DADDY!
BYE BYE.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, THAT
COMPUTER'S REALLY TERRIFIC.
THE KIDS LOVE IT AND IT
MAKES MY JOB A LOT EASIER.
BUT, UH, WHAT DO YOU DO NOW?
- WHAT DO I DO NOW?
- YEAH.
I TURN ON THE COMPUTER.
THAT'S IT?
NO. AT 12 O'CLOCK I TURN IT OFF,
AND AT ONE O'CLOCK, I
TURN IT BACK ON AGAIN.
OH, THAT'S JUST GREAT, HONEY.
IT GIVES YOU ALL
SORTS OF FREE TIME
TO FIX THINGS AROUND HERE.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL BE
HAPPY TO FIX ANYTHING.
YOU KNOW, I CAN'T
REMEMBER THE LAST TIME
I HAD SO MUCH FREE TIME.
I CAN.
REALLY? WHAT HAPPENED?
WE HAD TWINS.
MAJOR GENERALS SIR WILLIAM
HOWE, SIR HENRY CLINTON,
AND JOHN BURGOYNE
ARRIVED MAY 25TH
TO ASSIST GAGE.
HEY, THAT MACHINE, IT'S
REALLY PRETTY SMART.
OH YEAH?
WELL, MY UNCLE'S GOT SOMETHIN'
EVEN SMARTER THAN THAT.
WELL, WHAT'S IT CALLED?
MY AUNT.
DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT
GAGE WAS THE FIRST GENERAL...
SHH! COME ON, YOU'RE
WRECKIN' THE RECORDING HERE.
BE COOL, BABY.
OH, INCREDIBLE STRATEGY, OH!
"INCREDIBLE STRATEGY!"
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE BIG
DEAL ABOUT ALL THIS STUFF?
I TAUGHT THIS TO
YOU TWO MONTHS AGO.
MR. KOTTER, THIS IS A KEY.
NOW DON'T YOU GOT NOTHIN' TO DO?
CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE
BUSY HERE LEARNIN'?
- YEAH.
- I GOT PLENTY TO DO.
THERE'S OVER 300
WAYS TO PLAY SOLITAIRE.
SOLITAIRE, KOTTER?
YOU RUN OUT OF PLAY-DOH?
HEY, COME ON!
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE!
I HAVE EXCITING NEWS.
LOOK AT THIS.
HEY, LOOK AT THAT.
MR. WOODMAN LEARNED
TO COLOR INSIDE THE LINES.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
AND TOMORROW WE GONNA
LET YOU COLOR A HORSY.
I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU NERDS
THAT THE GRADES OF EVERYONE
IN THIS ROOM HAVE
GONE UP DRAMATICALLY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT MEANS?
YEAH, IT MEANS YOU'RE
IN THE WRONG ROOM.
NOW TURN ON THE MACHINE,
TURN ON THE MACHINE!
IT MEANS, IT MEANS, IT
MEANS I'M GONNA LOOK GREAT.
IT WAS ALL MY IDEA.
THEY'LL DEFINITELY
MAKE ME PRINCIPAL.
OH YEAH?
WELL, WHAT ABOUT
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS.
HE'S AN OLD GUY.
CAN I SEE THAT, MR. WOODMAN?
YOU'RE RIGHT.
BY BRINGING THIS
COMPUTER IN HERE,
YOU DID A GREAT THING.
YOUR AVERAGES ARE OVER 75.
CONGRATULATIONS.
- YOU'RE A GENIUS.
- YOU'RE A GENIUS.
- YOU'RE A GENIUS.
- YES.
FACE IT, KOTTER.
YOU'RE OUT OF DATE.
YOU'RE A DESOTO IN
A WORLD OF DATSUNS.
COME ON, TURN THE
MACHINE BACK ON.
COME ON!
I WANNA HEAR THE MACHINE.
I WANNA HEAR THE MACHINE.
THE REDOUBT WAS
GARRISONED BY 1,600 MEN
WITH SIX CANNONS...
SALLY, SALLY, SALLY, SALLY,
SALLY, SALLY, SALLY...
JUST A SECOND, OLIVER.
YOU KNOW, HONEY, YOU
SHOULD NOT BE SO UPSET
ABOUT THAT COMPUTER.
IT'S ONLY TEMPORARY.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WOODROW
WILSON SAID ABOUT INCOME TAX.
YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS
ME THE MOST, HONEY?
TEACHING JUST ISN'T FUN ANYMORE.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
ARE LETTING THE COMPUTER
PROGRAM YOU.
YOU ARE THE ONE WHO'S
SUPPOSED TO PUSH THE BUTTONS.
I CAN'T HELP IT, J... WHERE'S
THE SALAD DRESSING?
OH, I'M SORRY, I
FORGOT IT, HONEY.
- WHAT KIND DO YOU WANT?
- ANY KIND, DOESN'T MATTER.
I CAN'T HELP IT, I FEEL LIKE
THE COMPUTER'S THE MEAT
AND I'M THE HAMBURGER HELPER.
OH, GABE.
I'M SORRY, HONEY, I
DON'T LIKE THIS KIND.
WELL, WHAT KIND DO
YOU WANT, HONEY?
ANY KIND BESIDE THIS.
I'M SORRY, YOU KNOW...
I KNOW, HONEY, IT'S OKAY,
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
THERE YOU GO, SWEETIE.
NOT ON YOUR LIFE.
BE FINE, IT'LL BE FINE. I
ALWAYS LIKE DRESSING
THAT'S FOUR MONTHS OLD.
TWO.
LOOK, HONEY, IT'S ONLY A TOY.
THE KIDS WILL GET BORED WITH IT.
I THINK THEY ARE
GETTING TIRED OF IT.
THIS AFTERNOON I
CAUGHT WASHINGTON
TRYING TO MAKE IT PLAY PONG.
YOU'RE KIDDING?
KIDDING?
I AM NOT PROGRAMMED FOR KIDDING.
I AM ONLY PROGRAMMED
FOR JOSHING.
JOSHING?
DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE JOSH?
HE WAS A MODEL 324X0.
ONE TIME THIS PRETTY COMPUTER
PROGRAM TRAINEE CAME IN
AND STARTED TO
PUNCH HIS BUTTONS.
HE SAID, "HEY, WAIT A SECOND.
TAKE ME OUT A FEW TIMES FIRST."
ON FEBRUARY 26TH...
HEY, BABY, DEAL.
MILITARY SUPPLIES BUT WERE
TURNED BACK WITHOUT VIOLENCE
ON MARCHED 23RD...
ALL RIGHT, FREDDIE, THE TRUTH.
I THINK YOU'RE BLUFFING.
OH YEAH?
GO FISH.
GOOD MORNING.
EXCUSE ME, UH, FOR INTERRUPTING,
BUT ISN'T ANYBODY
LISTENING TO THE COMPUTER?
NO.
SIT DOWN.
EPSTEIN, WHAT'S THE
COMPUTER BEEN TALKING ABOUT?
PAUL REVERE'S RIDE.
THAT'S AMAZING, YOU CAN HEAR
THINGS WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING.
WHAT DO YOU THINK
PUT ME TO SLEEP?
MR. KOTTER, FOR AN HOUR
THAT THING'S BEEN DOIN' NOTHIN'
BUT TALKIN' ABOUT
PAUL REVERE'S RIDE.
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
IT'S JUST A STORY ABOUT
A MAN AND HIS HORSE.
ACTUALLY, DO YOU KNOW
THAT THERE WERE TWO MEN?
WILLIAM DAWES RODE
ALONG WITH PAUL REVERE?
GEE, THAT'S REALLY CHEAP.
TWO MEN ON A HORSE.
HEY, UM, MR. KOTTER,
I... I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT PAUL REVERE HAD A PARTNER.
WELL, NOT TOO MANY
PEOPLE DO, FREDDIE.
YOU SEE, WILLIAM DAWES
WAS LIKE A REGULAR GUY,
HE WASN'T A SHOW-OFF.
SO WHEN THEY RODE
INTO TOWN, HE SAID,
"GO AHEAD, PAUL, YOU TELL 'EM."
ANYWAY, I THINK IT'S IMPORTANT
THAT YOU LEARN
ABOUT WILLIAM DAWES,
BECAUSE THERE'S A LOT
OF PEOPLE IN HISTORY
THAT DON'T...
I THOUGHT SO, KOTTER.
BACK TO YOUR OLD
TRICKS... TEACHING.
MR. WOODMAN, I THINK THE
GUYS ARE GETTING A LITTLE TIRED
OF THIS COMPUTER.
NONSENSE.
THEY LOVE IT.
MACHINES AREN'T BORING,
PEOPLE ARE BORING.
GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYBODY,
AND WELCOME TO OUR NEW SHOW,
"PEOPLE ARE BORING!"
AND HERE'S OUR
NEW HOST, AL DOE...
AMERICA'S FAVORITE BORE.
NOT GONNA SPOIL MY DAY,
'CAUSE I HAVE GREAT NEWS.
OH?
YOU RAN OVER BENJI?
BETTER!
THE UNIVERSITY HAS
OFFERED US THE COMPUTER
FOR THE REST OF THE SEMESTER.
OH, MAN!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT, CORK IT, CLOWNS.
MR. JAN OF THE SCHOOL BOARD IS
COMING BY TOMORROW TO DECIDE.
KOTTER, THIS MACHINE
IS MY TICKET TO THE TOP,
AND NOTHING BETTER GO WRONG.
WHAT COULD GO WRONG?
THAT'S THE SAME THING
GENERAL CUSTER SAID
THE NIGHT BEFORE LITTLE BIGHORN.
THINK THAT'LL DO IT, FREDDIE?
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
IT WORKED ON MISSION IMPOSSIBLE.
GOT IT COVERED.
HEY, THEY'RE COMING,
THEY'RE COMING.
SHH, SHH, YOU ALL
KNOW WHAT TO DO.
OKAY.
GOOD MORNING, GOOD
MORNING, EVERYBODY.
YOU ALL REMEMBER MR. JAN
FROM THE SCHOOL BOARD.
HELLO MR. JAN FROM
THE SCHOOL BOARD.
I, UH, I WAS JUST TELLING
MR. JAN THAT ONLY LAST WEEK
THIS CLASS WAS STUPID.
THANKS A LOT, MR. WOODMAN.
MR. KOTTER, AS YOU KNOW,
WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO USE THIS MACHINE
FOR ANOTHER SEMESTER.
WELL, MR. KOTTER, I'D LIKE
TO SEE A DEMONSTRATION.
BEFORE I DO THAT, I
WOULD LIKE TO SAY
I THINK THIS MACHINE
CAN HELP AS AN AID,
BUT WHAT'S HAPPENING
HERE IS THE MACHINE...
CORK IT, KOTTER, TURN IT ON.
CHOP, CHOP, NO OFFENSE, MR. JAN.
HEY MR. KOTTER, MAYBE YOU
OUGHT NOT TURN THAT ON...
AH, NAH, IT'S OKAY.
GO AHEAD, TURN IT ON, KOTTER.
IT'S OKAY, GO AHEAD,
TURN IT ON, GO AHEAD.
ALL RIGHT, ANY
PARTICULAR SUBJECT?
MM, HOW ABOUT THE
BATTLE OF WATERLOO?
OKAY.
EUROPEAN HISTORY,
BATTLE OF... WATERLOO.
NOW WAIT TILL YOU HEAR THIS.
THE BATTLE OF WATERLOO
WAS FOUGHT IN 1850.
YOU SEE?
THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON
COMMANDED THE ALLIED FORCES,
WHICH INCLUDED
ENGLAND, AUSTRIA, PRUSSIA,
AND THE HARLEM GLOBETROTTERS.
WHAT?
THEY ALL BANDED FORCES TO
FIGHT THE ARMIES OF NAPOLEON,
JULIE ANDREWS, AND THE MUPPETS.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU BETTER
HAVE AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
I DO.
HE DID IT.
HIM AND HIS PUNKS,
THEY RUINED MY MACHINE.
YOU CAN'T PROVE NOTHIN'!
ALL RIGHT, CORK IT, EPSTEIN.
MR. JAN, I'M AFRAID
MR. WOODMAN IS PROBABLY RIGHT.
BUT YOU HAVE TO
UNDERSTAND WHY THEY DID IT.
HE MADE THEM THINK THAT THEIR
TEACHER WAS BEING REPLACED
BY A MACHINE.
I HAD A DREAM.
LOOK, LIKE I WAS
TRYING TO SAY BEFORE,
THIS MACHINE IS VALUABLE.
IT SHOULD BE USED BY A TEACHER,
NOT INSTEAD OF A TEACHER.
I AGREE, MR. KOTTER.
HOWEVER, WE MAY FIND A BETTER
PLACE FOR THIS COMPUTER...
SAY, IN ADMINISTRATION.
MR. JAN!
MR. JAN, WAIT!
I'LL BE BACK, KOTTER, AS
SOON AS I HAVE MY SPASM.
WHY DID YOU DO IT?
HEY LOOK, MR. KOTTER,
WE HAD TO DO SOMETHIN'.
I MEAN, ONE MORE WEEK WITH
THAT COMPUTER MACHINE...
MAN, WE WOULD HAVE
GOT A DIPLOMA IN SLEEPIN'.
WASHINGTON, THAT MACHINE
BELONGS TO THE UNIVERSITY.
NOW YOU GUYS HAD NO
RIGHT TO TAMPER WITH IT.
COME ON, COME ON,
MR. KOTTER, IT WAS A CRISIS.
WE WAS DESPERATE
PEOPLE IN A DESPERATE HOUR,
I MEAN, JUST LIKE PAUL
REVERE AND MR. DAWES.
DON'T MAKE ANY
ANALOGIES HERE, EPSTEIN.
YOU WERE WRONG AND THAT'S THAT.
OKAY, OKAY, MR. KOTTER,
WE WAS WRONG.
GO AHEAD, SIT DOWN.
NOW, WE'LL GET BACK TO TEACHING
THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.
ONE HUMAN TO ANOTHER HUMAN.
ON JUNE 26TH, 1783... ♪
ONE... NIGHT... MY
AUNT... MARIAN...
SENT MY UNCLE BILL OUT
AT THREE O'CLOCK
IN THE MORNING...
FOR A... PIZZA.
TO GET A PIZZA.
IT... WITH... ANCHOVIES.
WITH ANCHOVIES.
THE PIZZA MAN SAID, "HEY, BILL,
IT'S SNOWING AND
RAINING OUTSIDE.
WHY DID YOU COME
TO GET A PIZZA?"
WHY DID YOU COME TO GET A PIZZA?
MY UNCLE BILL
SAID, "IT WASN'T ME,
MY WIFE SENT ME OUT."
MY WIFE SENT ME OUT.
THE PIZZA MAN SAID,
"YOUR WIFE SENT YOU OUT
THREE O'CLOCK IN THE MORNING
TO GET A PIZZA?"
TO GET A PIZZA?
MY UNCLE BILL SAID,
"DO YOU THINK MY MOTHER
WOULD SEND ME OUT
ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?"
ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?
DON'T YOU... GET IT?
NO.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND A SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST HAVE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A
SCENE YOU WERE LEARNIN' IN ♪
♪ WAS THERE SOMETHIN' THAT
MADE YOU COME BACK AGAIN ♪♪