Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 3, Episode 15 - A Sweathog Christmas Special - full transcript

- HEY, JULIE.
- WHAT, GABE?

- DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE ARNOLD?

- WASN'T HE THE ONE WHO
NEEDED A HEARING AID?

- NO, NO, NO.

HE WAS THE ONE WHO
NEEDED A HEARING AID.

- LIKE ONE OF HIS
RELATIVES I KNOW.

- YEAH, WELL, ANYWAY,

MY UNCLE ARNOLD BUYS
THIS EXPENSIVE HEARING AID

AND HE'S SHOWING
IT TO HIS FRIEND SAUL.

HE SAYS, "SAUL, THIS IS
THE GREATEST HEARING AID

ON THE MARKET.



BOY, CAN YOU HEAR THINGS
WITH THIS HEARING AID!

IT'S TERRIFIC.

A WONDERFUL INVENTION,
THIS HEARING AID."

HIS FRIEND SAUL
SAYS, "WHAT KIND IS IT?"

MY UNCLE SAYS, "IT'S
A QUARTER TO THREE."

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL THE NAMES HAVE ALL
CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ AND WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪



♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪

♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪

- JULIE!

I'VE GOT THE REST
OF THE DECORATIONS.

GOT SOME MORE TINSEL AND...

UH-OH.
- WHAT?

- I THINK I PUT THEM A LITTLE
TOO CLOSE TO THE HEATER.

- OH, HONEY.

THE THREE WISE MEN
ALL MELTED TOGETHER.

- YEAH, WELL JUST THINK OF
THEM NOW AS "ONE WISE BLOB."

- ON HANUKKAH, I DIDN'T
MELT YOUR MENORAH, GABE.

- AW, COME ON, HONEY...

THIS IS THE FIRST CHRISTMAS EVE

WHEN WE'VE ALL BEEN TOGETHER,

JUST YOU...

ME...

THE BABIES.

AND THE DOOR.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO
BE CHRISTMAS EVE;

NOT EVEN A CREATURE IS
SUPPOSED TO BE STIRRING.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE
WHAT'S COMING IN THE DOOR.

- HO, HO, HO!

HO, HO, HO! HO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS
AND A BAAAD NEW YEAR.

- I'M ARNOLD, THE
LITTLEST REINDEER

AND I AM HERE TO SPREAD
SOME SEASONAL CHEER.

- WHOA, PULLIN' A
SLED UP THEM STAIRS,

THAT'S... THAT'S MURDER.

I DON'T... I DON'T KNOW
HOW SANTA CLAUS DOES IT.

- WELL, THAT'S WHY HANUKKAH'S
A BETTER HOLIDAY, YOU KNOW.

AT LEAST YOU GET
EIGHT DAYS FOR DELIVERY.

- YEAH, WELL, I'M
TIRED OF BEING BAMBI.

I'M GONNA BE SANTA CLAUS NOW.

- ALL RIGHT, VINNIE.

YOU CAN BE SANTA RIGHT AFTER
YOU STOP OFF AT MY HOUSE.

AND REMEMBER, AIN'T EVERYBODY
DREAMIN' OF A WHITE CHRISTMAS.

- YOU KNOW, GUYS, IT'S
TIMES LIKE THIS CHRISTMAS,

WE'RE ALL TOGETHER
AND JUST THINKIN' ABOUT IT

I REALIZE JUST HOW
CLOSE WE'VE ALL GOTTEN

AND HOW MUCH WE ALL
MEAN TO EACH OTHER.

- HEY, HORSHACK, BIG
NEWS FLASH: YOU'RE SHORT!

YOU TOO, MUNCHKIN.

THE WHOLE ROOM IS SHORT.

- HI, THERE.

- WHEN I'M IN THAT
CLASSROOM, I THINK OF MYSELF

AS A MISSIONARY AMONG
SAVAGES IN NEW GUINEA.

- COME ON, GUESS
WHO'S COMING TO DINNER.

- OKAY, WHAT ARE YOU COOKING?

- MY WORLD-FAMOUS
TUNA CASSEROLE.

- IT'S NOBODY THAT WE
EVER WANNA SEE AGAIN.

- VINNIE, THIS REPORT
CARD'S SOGGY.

- MY MOTHER CRIED ON IT.

- HI, THERE.

- HI, THERE, BUDDY.
- HEY, BABY!

- WHERE'S YOUR REPORT CARD?

- MY REPORT... WELL,
SEE I DON'T HAPPEN

TO HAVE IT RIGHT HERE HANDY.

- YOU KNOW, HORSHACK'S A
VERY OLD AND RESPECTED NAME.

IT MEANS "THE CATTLE ARE DYING."

- HAVE YOU BITTEN
ANYBODY LATELY?

- OH, YOU KNOW HOW
IT IS IN CHINA, BOSS;

YOU BITE SOMEBODY,

TWO HOURS LATER YOU
WANNA BITE 'EM AGAIN.

HA! HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

- THEY DO A LOT OF
PRETENDING IN THAT CLASS.

THEY PRETEND TO BE STUDENTS,
HE PRETENDS TO BE A TEACHER.

- YOU LOVE MY TUNA CASSEROLE!

- NO, YOU LOVE YOUR
TUNA CASSEROLE.

NOBODY PUTS PRUNES
IN A TUNA CASSEROLE.

- YOU MAKIN' FUN OF ME?

- WHA?

- LISTEN, I GOT
SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

YOUR SISTER, JUAN, YOUR SISTER.

- OH, YEAH? FORGET MY SISTER.

YOUR MOTHER.

- NOT MY MOTHER.
THAT WOMAN'S A SAINT.

- OH, YEAH?

THE LIGHT AROUND HER
HEAD DON'T FOOL ME.

- HEY, VINNIE!

THEY TELLIN' ME YOUR MOTHER...

- HI, THERE.

- YEAH. HI... HI THERE.

WHERE... WHERE IS YOUR NOTEBOOK?

- MY NOTEBOOK?

WELL, I JUST DON'T HAPPEN
TO HAVE IT HERE... HANDY!

- I AM READY, KOTTER,

TO SEE YOU MAKE A COMPLETE
AND UTTER FOOL OF YOURSELF.

- I TRIED SOMETHING NEW
WITH THE TUNA CASSEROLE.

THE HARD THINGS
ARE COFFEE BEANS.

- HEY, KOTTER.

UP YOUR NOSE WITH A RUBBER HOSE.

- UP YOUR NOSE
WITH A RUBBER HOSE!

- UP YOUR NOSE
WITH A RUBBER HOSE.

- WHY DON'T YOU TAKE ONE
END OF THE RUBBER HOSE

AND PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH,

AND THEN YOU TAKE THE OTHER
AND YOU PUT IT UP YOUR NOSE,

AND THEN YOU BLOW 'TIL
YOUR BRAINS FALL OUT.

- THEY CAN'T BE ALLOWED
TO MINGLE WITH PEOPLE.

TAKE THEM TO THE ZOO
SO THEY CAN SEE FAMILY.

- WHAT DO YOU GUYS GOT TO EAT?

Julie: HERE, VINNIE.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE SOME
OF THIS NICE FRUITCAKE

THAT MY MOTHER SENT US?

- OH, NO. I COULDN'T EAT THAT.

NO. IT GETS STUCK IN MY TEETH.

YEAH, LAST TIME I ATE IT, I
COULDN'T GET IT OUT FOR WEEKS.

YOU GOT THOSE...
THOSE... THOSE COOKIES?

THE KIND THAT'S SHAPED
INTO LITTLE SANTA CLAUSES

AND LITTLE BELLS WITH
LITTLE CANDIES ON 'EM?

LITTLE CANDY BUTTONS?
OH, THEY'RE DELICIOUS.

- VINNIE, BY NOW I'D THINK
YOU'D LEARN TO SETTLE

FOR WHAT WE HAVE.

'MEMBER WHAT
HAPPENED THE LAST TIME

YOU TRIED TO ASK
FOR SOMETHING ELSE?

STRAWBERRY TARTS.

YOU LIKE STRAWBERRY
TARTS, VINNIE?

- THEY'RE ALL RIGHT.

- LOOK JULIE, YOU KNOW, WHEN
THE SWEATHOGS HAVE A PROBLEM,

YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME...
- YOU GOT CHOCOLATE PUDDING?

- WE DON'T HAVE ANY
CHOCOLATE PUDDING,

DO WE, JULIE?
- NO, WE DON'T HAVE ANY.

- WE DON'T HAVE ANY
CHOCOLATE PUDDING.

THEY HAVE A PROBLEM

AND THEY WON'T
TALK TO EACH OTHER,

AND IF THEY WON'T
TALK TO EACH OTHER,

I CAN'T TEACH 'EM ANYTHING,

AND IF I CAN'T TEACH 'EM
ANYTHING, I JUST GET CRANKY.

- I KNOW, HONEY.

- HOW 'BOUT SPUMONI?
YOU GOT SPUMONI?

- WE HAVE ANY ICE CREAM?

- NO.

WE HAVE TARTS, VINNIE.

TARTS.

THAT'S IT.

LOOK, I KNOW THAT, HONEY, BUT
WHEN YOU KEEP MAKING JOKES

ABOUT MY TUNA CASSEROLE...

- HOW 'BOUT DANISH? YOU
GOT, LIKE, CHERRY DANISH?

NICE CHERRY DANISH?

- VINNIE, LOOK, YOU WANNA
HAVE DESSERT, HAVE A TART.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA HAVE A
TART, DON'T HAVE ANYTHING.

THAT'S ALL WE
HAVE, OKAY, IS TARTS.

- OKAY.

- JULIE, WHEN YOU SAY
THINGS ABOUT MY JOKES,

YOU KNOW HOW THAT MAKES ME FEEL.

- IT WOULDN'T HAVE TO BE CHERRY.

COULD BE LIKE, YOU
KNOW, PRUNE OR CHEESE.

WE COULD SEND OUT.

- WANNA KNOW WHAT THE
BIGGEST JOKE IN THIS HOUSE IS?

Julie: WHAT?
- YOUR TUNA CASSEROLE.

IF YOU JUST WOULDN'T MAKE
TUNA CASSEROLE ANYMORE,

I MEAN, I...
- GABE, YOU WANNA KNOW

WHAT I THINK ABOUT
YOUR UNCLE ABDUL?

- I DON'T BELIEVE
YOU DID THAT, JULIE.

Julie: BELIEVE IT.

- WANNA KNOW WHAT I THINK
ABOUT YOUR FAMILY, JULIE?

I HAVE SOMETHING I'D LIKE YOU
TO SEND BACK TO NEBRASKA,

SPECIAL DELIVERY.

- HOW 'BOUT EXPRESSO? YOU
GOT SOME NICE EXPRESSO?

MY MOTHER...

MY MOTHER SHE
ALWAYS GIVES EXPRESSO,

ONLY THE FINEST.

OH, VERY FUNNY.

BIG JOKE, RIGHT? THAT
ALMOST GOT ME KILLED.

- HOW, IT WAS ONLY A TART?

- "ONLY A TART"?

DO YOU KNOW... DO
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT IT'S LIKE TO WALK
THROUGH BROOKLYN

IN THE MIDDLE OF
THE NIGHT WITH...

WITH WHIPPED CREAM
ON YOUR EYEBROWS?

- YEAH, MAN, BUT...

BUT MRS. KOTTER,
VINNIE'S RIGHT, MAN.

A PERSON'S GOTTA BE REAL CAREFUL
WHERE THEY WALK IN BROOKLYN.

I AIN'T LYIN'. YOU AIN'T...

YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT
COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

IT'S JUST LIKE THAT TIME...

'MEMBER THAT TIME WHEN I
WENT ON THE OTHER SIDE OF TOWN

AND THAT RIVAL GANG
COME UP ON TOP OF ME?

- WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, FREDDIE?

- OH, WOW, MAN. I
HAD SOME TROUBLE.

- WHAT HAPPENED?
- HEY, YOU OKAY?

- HEY, MAN, THOSE GUYS
OVER AT NEWU TRACK

SAID I INVADED THEY TURF.

- WELL, DID YOU?

- NO, NOT EXACTLY.

ACTUALLY, I INVADED
PEARL JACKSON.

- OH.

- UNFORTUNATELY,
SHE HAPPENS TO LIVE

RIGHT IN THE
MIDDLE OF THEY TURF.

BUT Y'ALL DON'T WORRY.

OL' BOOM BOOM KNOWS HOW
TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.

SEE, MAN, I GOT SURROUNDED
BY THESE SEVEN BIG,

BAD NEWU TRACK CATS. RIGHT, MAN?

NOW, I MEAN, IT
WAS COMIN' ON ME.

- WAIT... WAIT A SECOND.
THERE WAS SEVEN OF 'EM?

- WELL, EITHER THERE
WAS SEVEN OR TWO.

I DON'T KNOW.

ANYWAY, I LOOKED
'EM RIGHT IN THE EYE

AND THEN I SAY, "HI, THERE."

THEY DON'T SAY NOTHIN'.
THEY JUST LOOK AT ME MEAN.

SO, I HOLDS MY GROUND
AND I LOOKED 'EM

STRAIGHT BACK IN
THE EYE ONE MORE TIME

AND THEN I SAID
TO 'EM, "BYE, THERE."

HEY, BOYS, YOU GUYS,

YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T
KNOW IT AT THE TIME,

BUT I... I WAS SCARED.

- AW, COME ON. YOU'RE KIDDING.

- YEAH, YOU KNOW WHEN
THOSE GUYS FROM NEWU TRACK

REALLY PUT THE
SCARE INTO FREDDIE?

- YEAH? HE RAN HOME.

- WE ALMOST GOT INTO FISTICUFFS

WITH CARVELLI AND HIS GANG.

- LOOKS LIKE WE DON'T
HAVE TO GO TO THE DANCE.

HERE'S THE
ENTERTAINMENT COMMITTEE.

- I DIDN'T THINK THEY
WAS GONNA SHOW UP.

- ALL RIGHT. WHO'S
THE LEADER HERE?

UH, WE HEARD YOU, UH,
SWEATHOGS WAS LOOKIN' FOR US,

SO, UH, WE THOUGHT WE'D
MAKE OURSELVES EASY TO FIND.

- YOU GOT A DISEASE?

WAS YOU LOOKIN' FOR US?

- WHAT?

- WAS YOU... LOOKIN'... FOR US?

- WHERE?

- WOW. I THOUGHT
WE WAS REMEDIAL.

- HEY, HEY, HEY.

ENOUGH OF THIS LIP SERVICE HERE.

I CAME HERE FOR SOME ACTION.

WHO'S THE FIRST GUY WHO WANTS
TO LOSE CONTROL OF HIS FACE?

- WILL YOU COOL IT?

- WHO IS THIS GUY?

- HIM? HE'S OUR TEACHER.

- YOUR TEACHER?

IT'S A TOUGH SCHOOL.

- ALL RIGHT. LET'S GO.

- NO, WAIT!

ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU CAN START.

I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH
HIM DISMEMBER PEOPLE.

- THAT'S THE OLDEST
PUNK I EVER SAW.

YOU A SENIOR?

- I'M THE VICE PRINCIPAL.

- VICE PRINCIPAL?

THIS IS A TOUGH SCHOOL!

- HEY, MR. KOTTER, IS
IT TRUE THAT YOU WAS

ONE OF THE TOUGH GUYS
WHEN YOU WAS IN SCHOOL?

- WELL... I COULD HOLD MY OWN.

- YEAH? WELL, FRANKIE
BRENNER'S BROTHER TOLD ME

THAT YOU WAS IN A FIGHT

WITH ONE OF THE
TOUGHEST GUYS IN SCHOOL.

WHAT HAPPENED?

- HEY, YOU KNOW,

IT'S A GOOD TIME TO
OPEN THE PRESENTS.

- OH YEAH!
- YEAH.

- WHAT YOU GOT FOR
ME THIS TIME, BABY?

- THIS ONE'S FOR
EPSTEIN. THERE YOU GO.

WASHINGTON, THERE YOU ARE.

- I WONDER WHAT IT IS.

- THANK YOU!
- HORSHACK.

- OH, ANOTHER ONE...

- HERE, BARBARINO. FOR YOU.

OH!

- OH, THANKS, FELLAS, A
PLANTER IN THE SHAPE OF A COW.

- YEAH, WAIT'LL YOU WATER IT.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA
BELIEVE HOW IT DRAINS.

- WELL, THANKS A LOT, JUAN.

THAT'S THE KIND
OF PRESENTS I LIKE.

THINGS I WOULD
NEVER BUY FOR MYSELF.

OH, LOOK WHO IT
IS. IT'S SANTA FRAUD.

I MEAN, UH, SANTA CLAUS.

- HO, HO, HO, AND A
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- I'M SORRY, MR. WOODMAN,

BUT YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE
BECAUSE SANTA CLAUS,

HE'S ALREADY HERE.

CHECK HIM OUT. ALL RIGHT!

- YEAH, THAT'S
RIGHT, MR. WOODMAN.

AN... ANYWAY, YOU
LOOK MORE LIKE AN ELF.

- OH YEAH?

HEY, BARBARINO, UP YOUR
NOSE WITH SOME MISTLETOE.

- COME ON. CUT IT OUT.

REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED
LAST TIME YOU GUYS HAD A FIGHT.

- OOH, YEAH.

- THIS YOUR LOCKER, BARBARINO?

- WHAT?

- THIS LOCKER. IS
THIS YOUR LOCKER?

- WHERE?

- "WHAT? WHERE?"

BARBARINO, THE ONLY
REASON YOU GOT A HEAD

IS TO SEPARATE YOUR EARS.

- OOOH! OOOH!

- "SEPARATE"?

I THINK MR. WOODMAN
JUST RANKED YOU.

- WELL, CAN I RANK HIM BACK
WITHOUT GETTIN' IN TROUBLE?

CAN I DO THAT?

- I DON'T KNOW. CAN HE DO THAT?

- SURE.

I USED TO BE
PRETTY GOOD AT THIS.

GO AHEAD, GIVE ME YOUR
BEST SHOT, CLAM-BREATH.

- AND I WON'T GET IN NO TROUBLE?

- NO.
- YOU MEAN IT?

- SURE I MEAN IT, MACARONI-PUSS.

- WELL, LISTEN, YOU
SNOWCAPPED LEPRECHAUN!

YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY
PLAYED "DANNY BOY" ON YOUR FACE

WITH AN UGLY STICK.

- OOOOOH!

- VERY FUNNY, BARBARINO.
THAT'S SO FUNNY,

YOU CAN STAY AFTER
SCHOOL FOR TWO WEEKS.

- WAIT A SECOND.

MR. WOODMAN, YOU TOLD
HIM THAT IT WAS ALL RIGHT.

- JUST COOL IT, BRILLO-HEAD.

- BOY, YOU KNOW, IT'S
REALLY DUMB TO FIGHT.

- WHO YOU CALLIN' DUMB?

- HEY, VINNIE, COME ON. I
DIDN'T MEAN NOTHIN' BY IT.

IT'S JUST VERY GOOD ADVICE,
AND AFTER WHAT I WENT THROUGH,

I'M LUCKY I GOT A MOUTH
TO BE ABLE TO SAY IT.

- YOU DON'T SCARE US, CARVELLI.

ANY ONE OF MY BOYS HERE
COULD MAKE YOU FEEL LIKE

YOU'VE JUST BEEN
THROUGH A BLENDER.

- YEAH! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
IT IF WE FRAPPÉD YOUR FACE?

- HEY, I DIDN'T HEAR
THAT, HORSHACK.

- HE ASKED IF YOU LIKE YOUR
FACE FRAPPED, CARVELLI.

- I HEARD HIM.

- HEY, CARVELLI, I SURE HOPE
YOU AIN'T ALLERGIC TO CANVAS,

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE YOU'RE
GOING TO BE SPENDING FRIDAY:

FACEDOWN!

- ARE YOU THREATENING
ME, HORSHACK?

- THIS IS GETTIN' OUT OF LINE.

- HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.
HE... HE DIDN'T MEAN IT.

- OUTTA LINE, HUH?

THE ONLY THING THAT'S GONNA
BE OUTTA LINE IS YOUR SPINE.

HA-HA!

YOUR FACE IS GONNA
BE SO UGLYYYYYY,

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CLOSE IT DOWN ON WEEKENDS.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S IT, HORSHACK.

I WANT YOU.

- WHOA, WHOA.

- COME ON, YOU
HEARD WHAT HE SAID.

- ME?
- YEAH, YOU. MOUTH.

- ME?

WHAT DID I SAY?

- HEY, ARNOLD, YOU GOTTA
BE SOME KIND OF JERK

TO GET IN A FIGHT WITH
THAT GUY CARVELLI.

I MEAN, HE COULD'VE
REARRANGED YOUR FACE.

MIGHT'VE HELPED.

- OH IS THAT SO, LITTLE JUAN?

WELL, LET US NOT FORGET THE TIME

THAT YOU GOT BEAT
UP BY TODD LUDLOW

AND WAS AFRAID TO FACE US.

- WELL, I DIDN'T GET
BEAT UP. I JUST SLIPPED.

- OH, SURE. YOUR HEAD
SLIPPED INTO HIS FIST

ABOUT TEN OR TWENTY TIMES.

- JUAN! THIS IS JULIE.

I'VE GOT YOUR FLAT SODA FOR YOU.

- POUR IT UNDER THE DOOR.

- JUAN, THE ONLY WAY
YOU'RE GONNA GET THIS SODA

IS TO GET YOUR
TAIL OUT OF THERE.

- LOOK, MRS. KOTTER'S OUT THERE,

AND I DON'T FEEL
LIKE FACIN' A WOMAN.

- DON'T WORRY, JUAN.

I'LL LOCK MYSELF
IN THE BATHROOM.

- OKAY, LOOK, YOU GOTTA
PROMISE ME ONE THING, MR. KOTTER.

- I PROMISE.

WHAT DID I PROMISE?

- THAT YOU DON'T LOOK AT ME.

- OKAY.

I LOOK AT A LAMP.

WELL, EPSTEIN. NICE
TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

YOU LOST A LITTLE
WEIGHT, HAVEN'T YOU?

- HEY, MR. KOTTER,
THE SECOND RULE AFTER

"DON'T LOOK AT ME" IS
"DON'T MAKE FUN OF ME."

- EPSTEIN, IF YOU DIDN'T
WANT ME TO LOOK AT YOU,

THEN WHY DID YOU COME HERE?

- TO SAY GOODBYE.

I'M RUNNIN' AWAY
TO JOIN THE CIRCUS.

- DON'T YOU KNOW THAT...

- DON'T LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT THE LAMP.

- DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT THE ONE THING

YOU CAN'T RUN AWAY
FROM IS YOURSELF,

BECAUSE NO MATTER WHERE
YOU GO, LAMP, YOU GO WITH YOU?

SO, WHY DON'T YOU
GO BACK TO SCHOOL?

- I CAN'T.

- EPSTEIN, COULD I
PLEASE LOOK AT YOU?

I CAN'T GET THROUGH
TO THIS LAMP.

- OKAY, BUT KIND OF HAVE, LIKE,
NO EXPRESSION ON YOUR FACE.

- EPSTEIN,

NOW TELL ME WHY
YOU CAN'T GO BACK.

- 'CAUSE I'M A PUNK.

MY FRIENDS ARE RIGHT
WHEN THEY SAID IT.

I'M A PUNK... UH, A
CHILD OF THE STREETS...

A FLY SPECK ON
THE HIGHWAY OF LIFE.

AIN'T NOBODY CARES
ABOUT ME, MAN.

- OKAY, THEN YOU TELL
ME WHY THOSE KIDS

HAVE BEEN COMBING THE
CITY LOOKING FOR YOU.

- THEY HAVE NOT.

- THEY HAVE, IN THEIR
OWN WAY, OF COURSE.

HEY, THEY CARE ABOUT YOU, JUAN.

WE ALL CARE ABOUT YOU.

- THEN HOW COME
YOU DIDN'T WRITE?

- WELL, JUAN, YOU LEARNED
SOMETHING IMPORTANT FROM THAT.

- I DID?

- YOU LEARNED THAT VIOLENCE
CAN'T SOLVE YOUR PROBLEMS.

- YEAH, REMEMBER THE
ALL-NIGHT SIT-IN AT SCHOOL?

WE GOT THEM TO IMPROVE
THE FOOD IN THE CAFETERIA

THROUGH A PEACEFUL
DEMONSTRATION.

- HEY, HORSHACK.

- HUH?
- TELL ME SOMETHING.

YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
WHAT GOD IS LIKE?

- OH YEAH. I THINK HE'S SHORT

AND HE HAS A MARVELOUS
SENSE OF HUMOR

AND A GREAT LAUGH.

- HEY, GOD CAN DO ANYTHING.

- HE CAN?

- SHE CAN.

- YOU KNOW, I THINK GOD IS...

IS KINDA TOUGH, YOU
KNOW, BUT HE'S FAIR.

SORT OF LIKE... LIKE JOHN WAYNE
IN A WHITE BEARD, YOU KNOW.

"ALL RIGHT, PILGRIMS.

MOVE THOSE CLOUDS IN A CIRCLE."

- I GOT MY OWN IDEA
OF WHAT GOD IS LIKE.

I KNOW HE'S A SHARP DRESSER,

AND HE'S GOOD-LOOKING,

AND OF COURSE HE'S ITALIAN.

- YEAH? WELL, IF YOU ASK ME,

ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT
HARPS IS A LOT OF JIVE.

GOD IS BACKED UP BY A
JAZZ RHYTHM SECTION.

HE GOT A PIANO, A BASIC GUITAR,

AND A DRUMMER WITH
A GOOD RIGHT FOOT.

- WELL, I THINK
THAT GOD IS LOVE,

AND IF GOD WAS HERE, HE
WOULD LOVE MY TUNA CASSEROLE.

- HEY, MR. KOTTER,

WHAT'S YOUR FEELINGS
ON THIS SUBJECT?

- WELL, I THINK THAT,
UH, GOD IS EVERYWHERE.

- EVEN IN LIVER?

- HE'S EVERYWHERE.

HE'S IN TIMES SQUARE,
USED TO BE IN EBBETS FIELD.

SPENT A LOT OF
TIME IN EBBETS FIELD.

HE'S MOONLIGHT IN VERMONT,

AUTUMN IN NEW YORK,
ALL THE STANDARDS.

HE'S EVERYWHERE,

WITH THE POSSIBLE EXCEPTION
OF EPSTEIN'S GYM LOCKER.

- YOU KNOW, GUYS...

ALL OF US BEING HERE
TOGETHER CHRISTMAS EVE

REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE STORY.

YOU SEE, MY UNCLE...
- A STORY?

GEE WE'D REALLY LOVE TO HEAR IT

BUT WE GOTTA GO SPREAD AROUND
A LITTLE CHRISTMAS CHEER HERE.

- I'D LOVE TO STAY AND
HEAR YOUR STORY, KOTTER,

BUT I ALREADY GAVE YOU A GIFT.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- YEAH, MR. KOTTER, WE
JUST GOTS TO SPLIT HERE

BEFORE YOU START THE STORY.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS,
MR. KOTTER, MRS. KOTTER,

AND THE KOTTER-ETTES TOO.

- MERRY CHRISTMAS!

- ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

WELL, HONEY,
SUGARPLUM, BABY, THIS IS IT.

ALL ALONE.
- YEAH.

- LET ME TELL YOU THIS
LITTLE STORY. YOU SEE, MY...

THE BABIES!

- JULIE?

JULIE?

- OH, SANTA CLAUS.

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN THIS YEAR.

HEY, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY COUSIN FRIEDA?

WELL, YOU SEE, SHE
HAD HER NOSE FIXED

BUT IT GREW BACK.

- HO, HO, HO!

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪

♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪

♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪

♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪

♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪

♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪

♪ ♪

♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'VE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK ♪

♪ WELCOME BACK... ♪