Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 6 - Gabe Under Pressure - full transcript
HI, HONEY, I BROUGHT YOUR LUNCH.
- OH, THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO THOUGHT HE WAS A HORSE?
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR FAMILY.
MY UNCLE THOUGHT HE WAS A HORSE,
SO MY AUNT WENT TO SEE A DOCTOR,
SHE HAD TO GET HIM SOME HELP.
SHE SAID, "DOCTOR, MY
HUSBAND THINKS HE'S A HORSE.
HE SLEEPS STANDING
UP, HE EATS OATS,
HE NEIGHS, HE WHINNIES."
THE DOCTOR SAID,
"WELL, I HAVE TO SEE HIM.
BRING HIM IN THURSDAY AT THREE."
SHE SAID, "THURSDAY AT THREE?
I CAN'T, HE'S RUNNING IN
THE FOURTH AT PIMLICO."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
MR. K.
HEY, MR. K.
YOU STILL GOT THAT STOMACHACHE?
WHAT STOMACHACHE?
I'M JUST MAKING MYSELF
AN ALKA SELTZER EGG CREAM.
OH, MR. KOTTER, HOW MANY
TIMES DO WE GOTTA TELL YOU?
YOU DO NOT EAT IN
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA
WHEN THEY SERVE FISH CROQUETTES.
THE MAN NEVER LEARNS, DOES HE?
- OH, I KNOW, VINCENT.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S LIKE CONVERSING
WITH A STONE WALL HERE.
MR. KOTTER, DOES OUR
TUMMY FEEL FUNNY?
NO, MISS MATUSAK, MY
TUMMY IS NOT FUNNY.
MY RIBS ARE TICKLISH.
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK
WE'VE BOUGHT FIZZ-FIZZ
IN OUR THERMOS.
DO YOU HAVE A STOMACHACHE?
NO, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH ME.
I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE FIZZ-FIZZ.
IT'S YUM-YUM.
WELL, YOU ARE IN
LUCK, MR. KOTTER.
A DOCTOR FROM THE FREE CLINIC
WILL BE VISITING THE SCHOOL
TO GIVE FREE PHYSICAL EXAMS
TO EVERYBODY.
OH, I KNOW, MY WIFE HAS
BEEN WORKING AT THE CLINIC.
SHE'S ONE OF THEIR VOLUNTEERS.
SHE BRINGS ME HOME
THESE PAMPHLETS TO READ.
"NO ONE LIKES A CARRIER."
"YOU AND YOUR RASH."
AND "TRENCH MOUTH
IS NOTHING TO SMILE AT."
SO TRUE.
BUT ABOUT THE PROGRAM,
IT'S DESIGNED TO PROVIDE
FREE PHYSICAL EXAMINATIONS
FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED.
AND NOBODY'S MORE
UNDERPRIVILEGED
THAN YOUR SWEATHOGS.
I HOPE I CAN COUNT
ON YOUR COOPERATION.
WELL, I'LL READ IT
TO THEM FIRST THING.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
UM, MS. MATUSAK.
YES?
I HAVE THIS FRIEND.
OH, REALLY?
NO, NO, NO, MY
FRIEND HAS A PAIN.
OH, WHERE IS THIS
PAIN, MR. KOTTER?
WELL, IT'S IN A VERY WEIRD AREA
RIGHT IN BETWEEN HIS
CHEST AND HIS STOMACH.
AND THE REASON I SAY WEIRD
IS BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW
A PERSON HAD ANYTHING RIGHT HERE
IN BETWEEN HIS
CHEST AND STOMACH.
OH, THERE ARE A GREAT MANY
USABLE THINGS IN THAT AREA,
BUT I'M SURE IT'S
JUST INDIGESTION.
SEE YOUR DOCTOR.
OH, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S MY FRIEND.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
USABLE IN THAT AREA.
MAYBE IT'S YOUR DIET.
YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE, YOU KNOW.
OH, I KNOW, THERE ARE
LINES AROUND MY BODY
EVERY SATURDAY.
IN FACT, ON YOM KIPPUR
YOU NEED A TICKET TO GET IN.
THAT'S A JEWISH HOLIDAY,
YOU NEED TICKETS TO GET IN.
YES, I KNOW.
MR. KOTTER, YOU
ARE WHAT YOU EAT.
WELL, IN THAT CASE I COULD BE
JULIE'S FAMOUS TUNA CASSEROLE.
NOBODY WOULD LIKE ME.
MY WIFE MAKES BAD
TUNA CASSEROLE,
NOBODY LIKES IT.
I SEE.
YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY YOU
MUST TRY MY CHICKEN FACE SOUP.
THE SECRET IS YOU
LEAVE IN THE BEAKS.
YOU GOT A STOMACHACHE,
HUH, KOTTER?
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
I'VE HAD ONE FOR 40 YEARS.
WHEN DID YOU GET
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM THE FREE CLINIC?
MS. MATUSAK JUST GAVE IT TO ME.
WELL, SHE SHOULD NEVER
HAVE GIVEN IT TO YOU,
IT'S A MISTAKE.
THE LAST THING THIS SCHOOL NEEDS
IS A LOT OF HEALTHY SWEATHOGS.
COME ON, MR. WOODMAN.
NO, I MEAN IT.
I... I... I LIVE FOR FLU SEASON.
TELL YOUR SWEATHOGS
TO MAKE APPOINTMENTS
WITH A VETERINARIAN.
A VETERINARIAN, I GOTTA TELL
THAT TO PRINCIPAL LAZARUS.
HE'LL NEVER GET IT.
WHEN I TELL HIM, I'LL
SAY ANIMAL DOCTOR.
DON'T YOU SEE THE
JOKE THERE, KOTTER?
ANIMALS, SWEATHOGS.
YOU'RE NO FUN ANYMORE, KOTTER!
I WAS MAKING MY POTION.
YOUR POTION. HUH.
I'M NOT LAUGHING, KOTTER.
YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AT
MY VETERINARIAN JOKE,
I'M NOT LAUGHING AT
YOUR JEKYLL AND HYDE BIT.
MY JEKYLL AND HYDE
BIT WAS FUNNIER...
IT WAS NOT FUNNY.
IT WAS MUCH FUNNIER.
IT WAS NOT!
♪
GOOD MORNING!
HELLO.
QUIET DOWN, SIT DOWN.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
HOMEROOM ANNOUNCEMENTS.
QUIET!
THE BUCHANAN BIOLOGY
CLUB REPORTS THE DISCOVERY
OF A NEW FUNGUS.
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA
WILL BE CLOSED FOR LUNCH
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
NOW THIS IS IMPORTANT.
THE FREE CLINIC IS OFFERING
FREE PHYSICAL EXAMS
TO ALL STUDENTS.
A DOCTOR WILL BE
COMING TO OUR SCHOOL,
SO PLEASE SIGN UP
FOR YOUR PHYSICAL.
OH, OH, OH, OH!
HORSHACK WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING.
OH, OH, OH!
WE'RE TRYING TO TEACH
HIM NOT TO "OH, OH"
UNLESS IT'S IMPORTANT.
OH, OH!
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
MR. KOTTER, IF IT IS
ALL THE SAME TO YOU,
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THAT FREE CLINIC.
WHY NOT, ARNOLD?
BECAUSE MY FRIEND
SHEENA ROSEWATER,
SHE WENT TO THAT FREE CLINIC
A PERFECTLY HEALTHY PERSON.
HALF-HOUR LATER THEY
TOLD HER SHE WAS PREGNANT.
ARNOLD, I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE
THAT THAT WON'T HAPPEN TO YOU.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?
ARE YOU SCARED
TO GO TO A DOCTOR?
HEY, I DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR,
I SEND PEOPLE TO THE DOCTOR.
PERSONALLY, I THINK
THIS EXAMINATION STUFF
IS A VERY GOOD IDEA.
SO I VOLUNTEER TO
EXAMINE ALL THE GIRLS.
VINCENZO, YOU DON'T
EXAMINE ANYBODY,
YOU GOT IT WRONG,
THEY EXAMINE YOU.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
OKAY, GIRLS, EXAMINE ME.
SIT DOWN!
YO, MR. KOTTER, I
AIN'T LETTIN' NO DOCTOR
GO POKIN' AROUND ME.
I ONCE SAW THIS DUDE'S
APPENDIX TAKEN OUT.
WHEN DID YOU WORK
IN A HOSPITAL, FREDDIE?
IT WASN'T IN A HOSPITAL,
IT WAS ON THE CORNER
OF 94TH AND LEXINGTON AVENUE.
I DON'T MIND DOCTORS.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WHEREVER THERE'S
DOCTORS, THERE'S NURSES.
THOSE WHITE STOCKINGS
WITH A SEAM IN THE BACK,
THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY.
UNTIL NOW.
HELLO, MRS. KOTTER.
CHECKING UP ON THE MISTER?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HE'S
BEEN WITH US ALL MORNING.
HAVEN'T YOU?
MR. KOTTER, I LOVE TO
COME INTO YOUR CLASS.
LOOK AT THESE FACES, HOW
WONDERFULLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.
ESPECIALLY ARNOLD.
YOU'RE UNDER UNDERPRIVILEGED.
THANK YOU.
HI, HONEY.
COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WE'RE VERY
IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN.
NOW, CHILDREN, MRS. KOTTER
HAS THE MEDICAL HISTORY FORMS
FOR EVERYBODY TO FILL OUT.
THE DOCTOR FROM THE CLINIC
WILL BE HERE THIS AFTERNOON.
OH, GOODIE!
IT MAY SURPRISE YOU
LADIES TO KNOW THIS,
BUT THESE BIG, BAD,
BRAVE SWEATHOGS OF MINE
ARE AFRAID TO SEE THE DOCTOR.
OH, WE ARE NOT,
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
OH, OKAY, WELL, IF
YOU'RE SO BRAVE,
WHO'S GONNA BE
THE FIRST TO SIGN UP?
SOMEBODY?
ANYBODY?
ARNOLD.
HERE YA GO.
OH.
I WOULD LOVE TO, MRS. KOTTER,
BUT TAKING A PHYSICAL
MEANS UNDRESSING.
AND NO ONE EVER SEES MY BODY.
NOT EVEN ME.
YEAH, MRS. KOTTER,
EVEN AFTER GYM
HE EVEN SHOWERS
IN HIS GYM CLOTHES.
YOU MIGHT CONSIDER TAKIN' A
SHOWER IN YOUR GYM CLOTHES TOO.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON!
ENOUGH!
I'M GONNA SAY THIS, ALL RIGHT?
I'M ASHAMED OF YOU PEOPLE.
A SIMPLE LITTLE THING LIKE
A PHYSICAL EXAMINATION.
THERE'S NO PAIN INVOLVED HERE.
EVEN WHEN THEY TAKE BLOOD
IT'S A SMALL LITTLE THING,
IT DOESN'T EVEN HURT.
RIGHT, JULIE?
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT?
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO TAKE A PHYSICAL,
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU HAD ONE?
RECENTLY.
RECENTLY?
HOW RECENTLY WAS IT?
JUNE.
1954.
WELL, I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU TOOK ANOTHER ONE.
WHAT ABOUT THAT PAIN YOU'VE
BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT?
YEAH, HOW 'BOUT IT, MR. KOTTER?
YOU WANT US TO TAKE A PHYSICAL?
YOU TAKE THE FIRST ONE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
MR. KOTTER'S A SCAREDY CAT.
MR. KOTTER'S A SCAREDY CAT.
NA NA-NA NA-NA NA!
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T WANT ANYMORE OF THIS
KINDERGARTEN BEHAVIOR HERE.
I'M AN ADULT.
IF I WANT TO SEE A
DOCTOR, I'LL SEE A DOCTOR.
NO MORE OF THIS CHILDISH
NAME CALLING EITHER.
BESIDES, STICKS AND
STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES,
BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME.
- SIGN IT.
- I'M NOT SIGNING IT.
SIGN IT!
FREDDIE'S BEEN IN THERE
WITH THAT DOCTOR A LONG TIME.
AW.
DON'T BE AFRAID, MR. KOTTER.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT, YOU BIG PALOOKA.
HEY, FREDDIE.
KOTTER'S SCARED,
LET'S PUT HIM ON.
OH, OKAY.
HEY, FREDDIE, FREDDIE,
WHAT'S IT LIKE IN
THERE, FREDDIE, HUH?
OH, BARBARINO.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S ME, JUAN,
THE LITTLE PUERTO RICAN GUY.
- OH, I SEE.
- YEAH.
OH, IT'S TERRIBLE IN
THERE, MAN, IT'S TERRIBLE.
YOU SEE, IT'S DARK IN THERE
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE LIGHT
BLAZING ON THIS METAL TABLE.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN... WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN THEY GET YOU IN THERE?
TWO GUYS YOU CAN'T
EVEN SEE, THEY GRAB YOU,
AND THEN THEY STRAP YOU DOWN.
AND THEY TURN ON THIS MACHINE.
ZAP, WINGO, POW, SPARKS
THAT FLY EVERYWHERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME, HORSHACK.
I'M MR. KOTTER.
LOOK, I'M MR. KOTTER.
FEEL THE MUSTACHE. MR. KOTTER.
OH, YEAH, YEAH...
DID THEY TAKE
BLOOD WITH A NEEDLE?
NO.
THEY GOT A SHOEBOX
FULL OF GIANT LEECHES.
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
I'M NOT GOING IN THERE.
GABE, WILL YOU STOP
BEING SUCH A BIG BABY?
I RESENT THAT, I AM NOT A BABY.
I'M A COWARD, THERE'S
A BIG DIFFERENCE.
I'M NOT GONNA SEE A DOCTOR.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
OH, COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
YOU WOULDN'T DISAPPOINT A
BUNCH OF UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS,
WOULD YOU?
RATHER THAN GO INTO THAT ROOM
WITH THE LEECHES
AND THE METAL TABLE?
YOU BET YOUR BOOTS.
KOTTER, YOU'RE NEXT, LET'S GO.
NO, I'M NOT GOING IN THERE!
I AIN'T... I'M NOT
GOING IN THERE.
WHAT IS THIS?
IS THIS SOME NEW
TEACHING METHOD, KOTTER?
HELP ME, MR. WOODWARD!
WELL, I KNEW IT WAS
JUST A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE THEY TURNED ON YA.
♪
HOW DO YOU FEEL, HONEY?
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
OKAY, WELL, IF YOU'RE
PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT,
WHY WOULDN'T YOU GO TO
THE DOCTOR YESTERDAY?
BECAUSE IF I GO TO THE DOCTOR
I MIGHT FIND OUT THAT I'M SICK.
AH.
I DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR,
I'M PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
IF I'M GONNA DIE, I WANT IT TO
COME AS A COMPLETE SURPRISE.
BYE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING DOWN TO THE CLINIC.
IF YOU GET HUNGRY,
THERE'S SOMETHING
ON THE STOVE FOR YOU.
I FOUND A NEW RECIPE
FOR CHICKEN FACE SOUP.
THE SECRET IS YOU
LEAVE THE BEAKS IN.
WILL YOU CHICKEN FACES
STOP STARING AT ME?
HEY, MR. KOTTER, THE
WAY YOU'VE BEEN ACTING,
YOU REALLY MIGHT BE SICK.
NOW YOU DON'T WANT SOME
STRANGER TO EXAMINE YOU, SO...
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
MR. KOTTER, YOU
AIN'T GOT A HEART.
EPSTEIN, YOU PUT THOSE
THINGS IN YOUR EARS.
OH YEAH, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW COUGH.
COUGH.
COUGH.
COUGH.
HOW LONG HAVE
YOU HAD THIS COUGH?
SINCE YOU GOT HERE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
I KNOW THIS STUFF LIKE
THE BACK OF MY HAND.
I NEVER NOTICED THAT BEFORE.
OKAY, HORSHACK,
HANG THIS UP PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, DR. FREDDIE.
KOTTERUS ERECTUS.
OH.
YOU TAKE A REAL NICE
PICTURE, MR. KOTTER.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER,
YOU SAID THE PAIN WAS BETWEEN
YOUR CHEST AND YOUR STOMACH.
WHERE IS THAT, DR. HORSHACK?
BETWEEN THE CHEST... THE LIVER.
A-HA!
A LIVER WITHOUT ONIONS.
I'D TAKE IT BACK IF I WERE YOU.
GENTLEMEN, IT IS MY BELIEF
THAT THIS MAN'S PROBLEM
HAS SOMETHING TO
DO WITH HIS SPINE BONE,
WHICH IS CONNECTED
TO HIS HIP BONE.
UH-HUH, AND, DR. HORSHACK,
THE HIP BONE IS
CONNECTED TO THE...
THIGH BONE.
♪ AND THE THIGH BONE'S
CONNECTED TO THE KNEE BONE ♪
♪ AND THE KNEE BONE'S
CONNECTED TO THE SHIN BONE ♪
♪ AND THE SHIN BONE'S
CONNECTED TO THE... ♪
NOW CUT THAT OUT!
ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT.
I'M AFRAID TO GO TO A DOCTOR.
HA, CHICKEN.
STOP IT, IT'S NOT
THAT I'M CHICKEN,
I JUST HAVE A THING
ABOUT DOCTORS.
PEOPLE HAVE FEARS,
THEY'RE CALLED PHOBIAS.
I'M SURE YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR OWN.
MY FATHER HAS CLAUSTROPHOBIA.
WHAT'S THAT?
CLAUSTROPHOBIA?
IT'S A DREAD FEAR
OF SANTA CLAUS.
ALL I KNOW, MR. KOTTER,
IS THAT I AM NOT TAKING
ANY PHYSICAL UNTIL YOU DO.
IF I DIE, LET IT BE
ON YOUR HEAD.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU REALLY
NEED A PHYSICAL, MR. KOTTER.
NO, I DON'T!
I GOT A NOTE.
DEAR MR. EPSTEIN,
PLEASE EXCUSE GABEY
FROM TAKING HIS PHYSICAL.
HE IS NOT SICK.
IF HE WAS, BELIEVE ME,
A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.
SIGNED, KOTTER'S MOTHER.
YOU EXPECT ME TO BUY A
CHEAP TRICK LIKE THAT, HUH?
LOOK, MR. KOTTER, SEE A DOCTOR.
SOMETHING MIGHT REALLY BE WRONG.
YEAH, I MEAN, WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN TO US
IF WE LOSE YOU AS A TEACHER.
WHY, WE'D SIT AROUND ALL DAY
AND LOOK AT AN EMPTY CHAIR.
YEAH, WE MIGHT GET A TEACHER
WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND
OUR UNUSUAL PERSONALITIES.
OR WE MIGHT GET A CUTE
LITTLE BLONDE SUBSTITUTE...
HEY, VINNIE, COME ON,
THE MAN MIGHT REALLY BE SICK.
I'M ONLY KIDDING.
OH, MR. KOTTER, DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT WE REALLY CARE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU?
YEAH, LOOK, WE'RE HERE.
- WE REALLY DO, MAN.
- YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO TO A DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT, GO ON,
BYE-BYE, GO HOME.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, IF
YOU NEED A KIDNEY,
I CAN GET IT FOR BEANS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT...
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
IF YOU WORK FOR THE CITY,
STATE, OR LOCAL GOVERNMENT,
I CAN GET YOU ORGANS WHOLESALE.
GET OUT!
OUT!
I CAN GET IT CHEAP.
OUT!
MR. KOTTER, I FEEL BAD ABOUT
SAYING THAT ABOUT THE BLONDE.
A CUTE REDHEAD
WOULD BE JUST AS GOOD.
GET OUT!
HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT, ARNOLD?
OH, MR. KOTTER, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I HEARD THIS
GUY SAY IT ONCE,
AND THEN THE NEXT DAY I WENT
OVER TO ASK HIM WHAT IT MEANT
AND HE WAS GONE.
GET OUT!
HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.
HEY, YO, MR. KOTTER,
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T WAIT TOO LONG.
MY UNCLE SPEC DID.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
WELL, HE WAITED TOO LONG
TO GO SEE THE DOCTOR.
HE FINALLY WENT.
FIVE MINUTES AFTER HE
LEFT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE,
HE WAS DEAD.
HEART ATTACK?
NO, TAXI CAB.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.
"OUT, OUT!"
GETOUT!
GET OUT!
♪
I'M SO GLAD YOU FINALLY
TOOK A PHYSICAL, MR. KOTTER.
WE ALL HAVE OUR LITTLE PHOBIAS.
WHY, THE VERY REASON I'M A
NURSE IS BECAUSE I'M AFRAID TO FLY.
I WANTED TO BE A STEWARDESS.
I DON'T BLAME YOU, THE
UNIFORMS ARE SEXIER.
OH, YES.
THE GLAMOUR, THE EXCITEMENT,
THE AIR-SICK BAGS.
WHY, TO BE ABLE TO WALK
UP TO A PERFECT STRANGER
AND SAY, "COFFEE, TEA, OR MILK?"
INSTEAD OF JUST HANDING
THEM A LITTLE BOTTLE
AND SAYING, "YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO."
OH, UH, KOTTER.
DID YOU BRING YOUR THERMOS
OF FIZZY STUFF TODAY?
I'VE GOT A PAIN RIGHT
ABOUT IN THIS AREA.
WELL, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
HAD THIS PAIN, MR. WOODMAN?
SINCE THIS MORNING
WHEN PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
HIT ME IN THE STOMACH
WITH A SOPHOMORE.
HEY.
HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
TELL US EVERYTHING.
I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING, SIT DOWN.
FIRST OF ALL, I WENT
TO MY OLD PEDIATRICIAN,
DR. MEL MELMAN.
DR. MELMELMAN?
NO, NO, HIS FIRST
NAME IS MELVIN.
OH, MELVIN MELMELMAN.
NO, I'LL WRITE IT ON
THE BOARD, MELVIN...
WHO CARES?
ANYWAY, I SAT IN
HIS WAITING ROOM
WITH 26 KIDS WITH RUNNY NOSES.
THAT'S 52 LITTLE DRIPS.
DID YOU HAVE A LONG WAIT?
NO, IT WASN'T BAD. I
OCCUPIED MY TIME.
I COLORED FOR A WHILE,
CONNECTED THE DOTS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF INTERESTING ARTICLES
IN THAT JACK AND JILL MAGAZINE.
OH, I KNEW THAT.
DID YOU READ THAT ONE
THAT TIME ABOUT THE CHICKEN
WHO BROUGHT UP THE DUCK?
THAT WAS NICE.
SO WHAT HAPPENED
AFTER YOU WENT IN?
YEAH.
OKAY, NOW FIRST
THING, DR. MEL MELMAN
STOOD ME AGAINST THE
WALL AND HE MEASURED ME.
AND HE WAS VERY IMPRESSED.
I'VE GROWN THREE AND A HALF FEET
SINCE MY LAST VISIT.
THEN HE GAVE ME A LOLLY
AND HE TOLD ME THAT
I WAS A GOOD BOY.
OH YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE PAIN IN YOUR CHEST?
WELL, DR. MEL MELMAN SAID
THAT I SHOULD WATCH WHAT I EAT
AND I SHOULD AVOID
NERVOUS TENSION ANXIETY.
WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT?
YOU'VE GOT A VERY RELAXING JOB.
KOTTER, COME OVER
HERE BY THE WINDOW,
I WANT YOU TO SEE SOMETHING.
WHAT?
THE FLAGPOLE, DO YOU SEE IT?
DO YOU SEE WHAT'S WAVING
FROM THAT FLAGPOLE?
IS IT OLD GLORY? NO.
IS IT THE SCHOOL FLAG? NO.
IT'S MS. FISHBECK.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
SHE FINALLY DID IT.
I'M HOLDING YOU AND
YOUR SWEATHOGS
PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.
BUT, MR. WOODMAN, HOW CAN
YOU BE SO SURE IT WAS MY KIDS?
I HEARD THEM.
KOTTER, WHO ELSE IN THE
SCHOOL LAUGHS LIKE THIS?
NOBODY I KNOW.
WELL, MAYBE YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
SHE GOT UP THERE,
BUT I WANT MS. FISHBECK
LOWERED, FOLDED, AND PUT AWAY.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I CAN
HAVE NERVOUS ANXIETY, HUH?
MS. FISHBECK IS
CONNECTED TO THE FLAGPOLE.
AH.
♪ MS. FISHBECK'S
CONNECTED TO THE FLAGPOLE ♪
♪ AND THE FLAGPOLE'S
CONNECTED TO THE SCHOOLYARD ♪
♪ AND THE SCHOOLYARD'S
CONNECTED TO THE BOULEVARD ♪
GET OUT!
GET OUT!
♪
MR. WOODMAN, YOU GOTTA HEAR
ABOUT MY UNCLE KERMIT KOTTER.
NO, I DON'T, KOTTER.
LISTEN, LISTEN.
EVERY DAY HE WALKS BY THIS
WINDOW AND HE SEES THIS WOMAN
HITTING THIS BOY OVER THE
HEAD WITH A LOAF OF BREAD.
THIS GOES ON FOR SIX MONTHS.
EVERY DAY HE WALKS
BY THE WINDOW,
SHE HITS HIM OVER THE
HEAD WITH A LOAF OF BREAD.
AND ONE DAY HE WALKS BY AND
THE WOMAN IS HITTING THE BOY
OVER THE HEAD WITH A
CHOCOLATE CAKE, RIGHT?
HE CAN'T STAND IT, HE
KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW,
HE SAYS, "MISS, HOW COME
EVERY DAY A LOAF OF BREAD
AND TODAY YOU'RE
HITTING HIM OVER THE HEAD
WITH A CHOCOLATE CAKE?"
- AND THE WOMAN SAID...
- AND THE WOMAN SAID...
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.
I HEARD IT, KOTTER.
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
- OH, THANK YOU.
- YOU'RE WELCOME.
DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO THOUGHT HE WAS A HORSE?
SOUNDS LIKE YOUR FAMILY.
MY UNCLE THOUGHT HE WAS A HORSE,
SO MY AUNT WENT TO SEE A DOCTOR,
SHE HAD TO GET HIM SOME HELP.
SHE SAID, "DOCTOR, MY
HUSBAND THINKS HE'S A HORSE.
HE SLEEPS STANDING
UP, HE EATS OATS,
HE NEIGHS, HE WHINNIES."
THE DOCTOR SAID,
"WELL, I HAVE TO SEE HIM.
BRING HIM IN THURSDAY AT THREE."
SHE SAID, "THURSDAY AT THREE?
I CAN'T, HE'S RUNNING IN
THE FOURTH AT PIMLICO."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
MR. K.
HEY, MR. K.
YOU STILL GOT THAT STOMACHACHE?
WHAT STOMACHACHE?
I'M JUST MAKING MYSELF
AN ALKA SELTZER EGG CREAM.
OH, MR. KOTTER, HOW MANY
TIMES DO WE GOTTA TELL YOU?
YOU DO NOT EAT IN
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA
WHEN THEY SERVE FISH CROQUETTES.
THE MAN NEVER LEARNS, DOES HE?
- OH, I KNOW, VINCENT.
- I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
IT'S LIKE CONVERSING
WITH A STONE WALL HERE.
MR. KOTTER, DOES OUR
TUMMY FEEL FUNNY?
NO, MISS MATUSAK, MY
TUMMY IS NOT FUNNY.
MY RIBS ARE TICKLISH.
THIS IS THE THIRD TIME THIS WEEK
WE'VE BOUGHT FIZZ-FIZZ
IN OUR THERMOS.
DO YOU HAVE A STOMACHACHE?
NO, THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH ME.
I JUST HAPPEN TO LIKE FIZZ-FIZZ.
IT'S YUM-YUM.
WELL, YOU ARE IN
LUCK, MR. KOTTER.
A DOCTOR FROM THE FREE CLINIC
WILL BE VISITING THE SCHOOL
TO GIVE FREE PHYSICAL EXAMS
TO EVERYBODY.
OH, I KNOW, MY WIFE HAS
BEEN WORKING AT THE CLINIC.
SHE'S ONE OF THEIR VOLUNTEERS.
SHE BRINGS ME HOME
THESE PAMPHLETS TO READ.
"NO ONE LIKES A CARRIER."
"YOU AND YOUR RASH."
AND "TRENCH MOUTH
IS NOTHING TO SMILE AT."
SO TRUE.
BUT ABOUT THE PROGRAM,
IT'S DESIGNED TO PROVIDE
FREE PHYSICAL EXAMINATIONS
FOR THE UNDERPRIVILEGED.
AND NOBODY'S MORE
UNDERPRIVILEGED
THAN YOUR SWEATHOGS.
I HOPE I CAN COUNT
ON YOUR COOPERATION.
WELL, I'LL READ IT
TO THEM FIRST THING.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
UM, MS. MATUSAK.
YES?
I HAVE THIS FRIEND.
OH, REALLY?
NO, NO, NO, MY
FRIEND HAS A PAIN.
OH, WHERE IS THIS
PAIN, MR. KOTTER?
WELL, IT'S IN A VERY WEIRD AREA
RIGHT IN BETWEEN HIS
CHEST AND HIS STOMACH.
AND THE REASON I SAY WEIRD
IS BECAUSE I DIDN'T KNOW
A PERSON HAD ANYTHING RIGHT HERE
IN BETWEEN HIS
CHEST AND STOMACH.
OH, THERE ARE A GREAT MANY
USABLE THINGS IN THAT AREA,
BUT I'M SURE IT'S
JUST INDIGESTION.
SEE YOUR DOCTOR.
OH, IT'S NOT ME, IT'S MY FRIEND.
I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
USABLE IN THAT AREA.
MAYBE IT'S YOUR DIET.
YOUR BODY IS A TEMPLE, YOU KNOW.
OH, I KNOW, THERE ARE
LINES AROUND MY BODY
EVERY SATURDAY.
IN FACT, ON YOM KIPPUR
YOU NEED A TICKET TO GET IN.
THAT'S A JEWISH HOLIDAY,
YOU NEED TICKETS TO GET IN.
YES, I KNOW.
MR. KOTTER, YOU
ARE WHAT YOU EAT.
WELL, IN THAT CASE I COULD BE
JULIE'S FAMOUS TUNA CASSEROLE.
NOBODY WOULD LIKE ME.
MY WIFE MAKES BAD
TUNA CASSEROLE,
NOBODY LIKES IT.
I SEE.
YOU KNOW, SOMEDAY YOU
MUST TRY MY CHICKEN FACE SOUP.
THE SECRET IS YOU
LEAVE IN THE BEAKS.
YOU GOT A STOMACHACHE,
HUH, KOTTER?
YOU'LL GET USED TO IT.
I'VE HAD ONE FOR 40 YEARS.
WHEN DID YOU GET
THIS ANNOUNCEMENT
FROM THE FREE CLINIC?
MS. MATUSAK JUST GAVE IT TO ME.
WELL, SHE SHOULD NEVER
HAVE GIVEN IT TO YOU,
IT'S A MISTAKE.
THE LAST THING THIS SCHOOL NEEDS
IS A LOT OF HEALTHY SWEATHOGS.
COME ON, MR. WOODMAN.
NO, I MEAN IT.
I... I... I LIVE FOR FLU SEASON.
TELL YOUR SWEATHOGS
TO MAKE APPOINTMENTS
WITH A VETERINARIAN.
A VETERINARIAN, I GOTTA TELL
THAT TO PRINCIPAL LAZARUS.
HE'LL NEVER GET IT.
WHEN I TELL HIM, I'LL
SAY ANIMAL DOCTOR.
DON'T YOU SEE THE
JOKE THERE, KOTTER?
ANIMALS, SWEATHOGS.
YOU'RE NO FUN ANYMORE, KOTTER!
I WAS MAKING MY POTION.
YOUR POTION. HUH.
I'M NOT LAUGHING, KOTTER.
YOU DIDN'T LAUGH AT
MY VETERINARIAN JOKE,
I'M NOT LAUGHING AT
YOUR JEKYLL AND HYDE BIT.
MY JEKYLL AND HYDE
BIT WAS FUNNIER...
IT WAS NOT FUNNY.
IT WAS MUCH FUNNIER.
IT WAS NOT!
♪
GOOD MORNING!
HELLO.
QUIET DOWN, SIT DOWN.
OKAY, FIRST OF ALL,
HOMEROOM ANNOUNCEMENTS.
QUIET!
THE BUCHANAN BIOLOGY
CLUB REPORTS THE DISCOVERY
OF A NEW FUNGUS.
THE SCHOOL CAFETERIA
WILL BE CLOSED FOR LUNCH
UNTIL FURTHER NOTICE.
NOW THIS IS IMPORTANT.
THE FREE CLINIC IS OFFERING
FREE PHYSICAL EXAMS
TO ALL STUDENTS.
A DOCTOR WILL BE
COMING TO OUR SCHOOL,
SO PLEASE SIGN UP
FOR YOUR PHYSICAL.
OH, OH, OH, OH!
HORSHACK WANTS TO SAY SOMETHING.
OH, OH, OH!
WE'RE TRYING TO TEACH
HIM NOT TO "OH, OH"
UNLESS IT'S IMPORTANT.
OH, OH!
THIS IS IMPORTANT.
MR. KOTTER, IF IT IS
ALL THE SAME TO YOU,
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THAT FREE CLINIC.
WHY NOT, ARNOLD?
BECAUSE MY FRIEND
SHEENA ROSEWATER,
SHE WENT TO THAT FREE CLINIC
A PERFECTLY HEALTHY PERSON.
HALF-HOUR LATER THEY
TOLD HER SHE WAS PREGNANT.
ARNOLD, I CAN ALMOST GUARANTEE
THAT THAT WON'T HAPPEN TO YOU.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?
ARE YOU SCARED
TO GO TO A DOCTOR?
HEY, I DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR,
I SEND PEOPLE TO THE DOCTOR.
PERSONALLY, I THINK
THIS EXAMINATION STUFF
IS A VERY GOOD IDEA.
SO I VOLUNTEER TO
EXAMINE ALL THE GIRLS.
VINCENZO, YOU DON'T
EXAMINE ANYBODY,
YOU GOT IT WRONG,
THEY EXAMINE YOU.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
OKAY, GIRLS, EXAMINE ME.
SIT DOWN!
YO, MR. KOTTER, I
AIN'T LETTIN' NO DOCTOR
GO POKIN' AROUND ME.
I ONCE SAW THIS DUDE'S
APPENDIX TAKEN OUT.
WHEN DID YOU WORK
IN A HOSPITAL, FREDDIE?
IT WASN'T IN A HOSPITAL,
IT WAS ON THE CORNER
OF 94TH AND LEXINGTON AVENUE.
I DON'T MIND DOCTORS.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE WHEREVER THERE'S
DOCTORS, THERE'S NURSES.
THOSE WHITE STOCKINGS
WITH A SEAM IN THE BACK,
THEY DRIVE ME CRAZY.
UNTIL NOW.
HELLO, MRS. KOTTER.
CHECKING UP ON THE MISTER?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, HE'S
BEEN WITH US ALL MORNING.
HAVEN'T YOU?
MR. KOTTER, I LOVE TO
COME INTO YOUR CLASS.
LOOK AT THESE FACES, HOW
WONDERFULLY UNDERPRIVILEGED.
ESPECIALLY ARNOLD.
YOU'RE UNDER UNDERPRIVILEGED.
THANK YOU.
HI, HONEY.
COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
THAT'S NOT FAIR.
WE'RE VERY
IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN.
NOW, CHILDREN, MRS. KOTTER
HAS THE MEDICAL HISTORY FORMS
FOR EVERYBODY TO FILL OUT.
THE DOCTOR FROM THE CLINIC
WILL BE HERE THIS AFTERNOON.
OH, GOODIE!
IT MAY SURPRISE YOU
LADIES TO KNOW THIS,
BUT THESE BIG, BAD,
BRAVE SWEATHOGS OF MINE
ARE AFRAID TO SEE THE DOCTOR.
OH, WE ARE NOT,
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
OH, OKAY, WELL, IF
YOU'RE SO BRAVE,
WHO'S GONNA BE
THE FIRST TO SIGN UP?
SOMEBODY?
ANYBODY?
ARNOLD.
HERE YA GO.
OH.
I WOULD LOVE TO, MRS. KOTTER,
BUT TAKING A PHYSICAL
MEANS UNDRESSING.
AND NO ONE EVER SEES MY BODY.
NOT EVEN ME.
YEAH, MRS. KOTTER,
EVEN AFTER GYM
HE EVEN SHOWERS
IN HIS GYM CLOTHES.
YOU MIGHT CONSIDER TAKIN' A
SHOWER IN YOUR GYM CLOTHES TOO.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON!
ENOUGH!
I'M GONNA SAY THIS, ALL RIGHT?
I'M ASHAMED OF YOU PEOPLE.
A SIMPLE LITTLE THING LIKE
A PHYSICAL EXAMINATION.
THERE'S NO PAIN INVOLVED HERE.
EVEN WHEN THEY TAKE BLOOD
IT'S A SMALL LITTLE THING,
IT DOESN'T EVEN HURT.
RIGHT, JULIE?
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW?
HOW WOULD I KNOW WHAT?
HOW WOULD YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO TAKE A PHYSICAL,
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU HAD ONE?
RECENTLY.
RECENTLY?
HOW RECENTLY WAS IT?
JUNE.
1954.
WELL, I THINK IT'S ABOUT TIME
THAT YOU TOOK ANOTHER ONE.
WHAT ABOUT THAT PAIN YOU'VE
BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT?
YEAH, HOW 'BOUT IT, MR. KOTTER?
YOU WANT US TO TAKE A PHYSICAL?
YOU TAKE THE FIRST ONE.
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
MR. KOTTER'S A SCAREDY CAT.
MR. KOTTER'S A SCAREDY CAT.
NA NA-NA NA-NA NA!
ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T WANT ANYMORE OF THIS
KINDERGARTEN BEHAVIOR HERE.
I'M AN ADULT.
IF I WANT TO SEE A
DOCTOR, I'LL SEE A DOCTOR.
NO MORE OF THIS CHILDISH
NAME CALLING EITHER.
BESIDES, STICKS AND
STONES WILL BREAK MY BONES,
BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME.
- SIGN IT.
- I'M NOT SIGNING IT.
SIGN IT!
FREDDIE'S BEEN IN THERE
WITH THAT DOCTOR A LONG TIME.
AW.
DON'T BE AFRAID, MR. KOTTER.
EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE
ALL RIGHT, YOU BIG PALOOKA.
HEY, FREDDIE.
KOTTER'S SCARED,
LET'S PUT HIM ON.
OH, OKAY.
HEY, FREDDIE, FREDDIE,
WHAT'S IT LIKE IN
THERE, FREDDIE, HUH?
OH, BARBARINO.
NO, NO, NO, IT'S ME, JUAN,
THE LITTLE PUERTO RICAN GUY.
- OH, I SEE.
- YEAH.
OH, IT'S TERRIBLE IN
THERE, MAN, IT'S TERRIBLE.
YOU SEE, IT'S DARK IN THERE
EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE LIGHT
BLAZING ON THIS METAL TABLE.
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN... WHAT
HAPPENS WHEN THEY GET YOU IN THERE?
TWO GUYS YOU CAN'T
EVEN SEE, THEY GRAB YOU,
AND THEN THEY STRAP YOU DOWN.
AND THEY TURN ON THIS MACHINE.
ZAP, WINGO, POW, SPARKS
THAT FLY EVERYWHERE.
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME, HORSHACK.
I'M MR. KOTTER.
LOOK, I'M MR. KOTTER.
FEEL THE MUSTACHE. MR. KOTTER.
OH, YEAH, YEAH...
DID THEY TAKE
BLOOD WITH A NEEDLE?
NO.
THEY GOT A SHOEBOX
FULL OF GIANT LEECHES.
WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING?
I'M NOT GOING IN THERE.
GABE, WILL YOU STOP
BEING SUCH A BIG BABY?
I RESENT THAT, I AM NOT A BABY.
I'M A COWARD, THERE'S
A BIG DIFFERENCE.
I'M NOT GONNA SEE A DOCTOR.
WHY NOT?
I DON'T FEEL GOOD.
OH, COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
YOU WOULDN'T DISAPPOINT A
BUNCH OF UNDERPRIVILEGED KIDS,
WOULD YOU?
RATHER THAN GO INTO THAT ROOM
WITH THE LEECHES
AND THE METAL TABLE?
YOU BET YOUR BOOTS.
KOTTER, YOU'RE NEXT, LET'S GO.
NO, I'M NOT GOING IN THERE!
I AIN'T... I'M NOT
GOING IN THERE.
WHAT IS THIS?
IS THIS SOME NEW
TEACHING METHOD, KOTTER?
HELP ME, MR. WOODWARD!
WELL, I KNEW IT WAS
JUST A MATTER OF TIME
BEFORE THEY TURNED ON YA.
♪
HOW DO YOU FEEL, HONEY?
THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING WRONG WITH ME.
OKAY, WELL, IF YOU'RE
PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT,
WHY WOULDN'T YOU GO TO
THE DOCTOR YESTERDAY?
BECAUSE IF I GO TO THE DOCTOR
I MIGHT FIND OUT THAT I'M SICK.
AH.
I DON'T GO TO THE DOCTOR,
I'M PERFECTLY ALL RIGHT.
IF I'M GONNA DIE, I WANT IT TO
COME AS A COMPLETE SURPRISE.
BYE.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING DOWN TO THE CLINIC.
IF YOU GET HUNGRY,
THERE'S SOMETHING
ON THE STOVE FOR YOU.
I FOUND A NEW RECIPE
FOR CHICKEN FACE SOUP.
THE SECRET IS YOU
LEAVE THE BEAKS IN.
WILL YOU CHICKEN FACES
STOP STARING AT ME?
HEY, MR. KOTTER, THE
WAY YOU'VE BEEN ACTING,
YOU REALLY MIGHT BE SICK.
NOW YOU DON'T WANT SOME
STRANGER TO EXAMINE YOU, SO...
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
MR. KOTTER, YOU
AIN'T GOT A HEART.
EPSTEIN, YOU PUT THOSE
THINGS IN YOUR EARS.
OH YEAH, OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, NOW COUGH.
COUGH.
COUGH.
COUGH.
HOW LONG HAVE
YOU HAD THIS COUGH?
SINCE YOU GOT HERE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING?
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
I KNOW THIS STUFF LIKE
THE BACK OF MY HAND.
I NEVER NOTICED THAT BEFORE.
OKAY, HORSHACK,
HANG THIS UP PLEASE.
CERTAINLY, DR. FREDDIE.
KOTTERUS ERECTUS.
OH.
YOU TAKE A REAL NICE
PICTURE, MR. KOTTER.
OKAY, MR. KOTTER,
YOU SAID THE PAIN WAS BETWEEN
YOUR CHEST AND YOUR STOMACH.
WHERE IS THAT, DR. HORSHACK?
BETWEEN THE CHEST... THE LIVER.
A-HA!
A LIVER WITHOUT ONIONS.
I'D TAKE IT BACK IF I WERE YOU.
GENTLEMEN, IT IS MY BELIEF
THAT THIS MAN'S PROBLEM
HAS SOMETHING TO
DO WITH HIS SPINE BONE,
WHICH IS CONNECTED
TO HIS HIP BONE.
UH-HUH, AND, DR. HORSHACK,
THE HIP BONE IS
CONNECTED TO THE...
THIGH BONE.
♪ AND THE THIGH BONE'S
CONNECTED TO THE KNEE BONE ♪
♪ AND THE KNEE BONE'S
CONNECTED TO THE SHIN BONE ♪
♪ AND THE SHIN BONE'S
CONNECTED TO THE... ♪
NOW CUT THAT OUT!
ALL RIGHT, I ADMIT IT.
I'M AFRAID TO GO TO A DOCTOR.
HA, CHICKEN.
STOP IT, IT'S NOT
THAT I'M CHICKEN,
I JUST HAVE A THING
ABOUT DOCTORS.
PEOPLE HAVE FEARS,
THEY'RE CALLED PHOBIAS.
I'M SURE YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR OWN.
MY FATHER HAS CLAUSTROPHOBIA.
WHAT'S THAT?
CLAUSTROPHOBIA?
IT'S A DREAD FEAR
OF SANTA CLAUS.
ALL I KNOW, MR. KOTTER,
IS THAT I AM NOT TAKING
ANY PHYSICAL UNTIL YOU DO.
IF I DIE, LET IT BE
ON YOUR HEAD.
THAT'S RIGHT. YOU REALLY
NEED A PHYSICAL, MR. KOTTER.
NO, I DON'T!
I GOT A NOTE.
DEAR MR. EPSTEIN,
PLEASE EXCUSE GABEY
FROM TAKING HIS PHYSICAL.
HE IS NOT SICK.
IF HE WAS, BELIEVE ME,
A MOTHER WOULD KNOW.
SIGNED, KOTTER'S MOTHER.
YOU EXPECT ME TO BUY A
CHEAP TRICK LIKE THAT, HUH?
LOOK, MR. KOTTER, SEE A DOCTOR.
SOMETHING MIGHT REALLY BE WRONG.
YEAH, I MEAN, WHAT
WOULD HAPPEN TO US
IF WE LOSE YOU AS A TEACHER.
WHY, WE'D SIT AROUND ALL DAY
AND LOOK AT AN EMPTY CHAIR.
YEAH, WE MIGHT GET A TEACHER
WHO DOESN'T UNDERSTAND
OUR UNUSUAL PERSONALITIES.
OR WE MIGHT GET A CUTE
LITTLE BLONDE SUBSTITUTE...
HEY, VINNIE, COME ON,
THE MAN MIGHT REALLY BE SICK.
I'M ONLY KIDDING.
OH, MR. KOTTER, DON'T YOU KNOW
THAT WE REALLY CARE
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU?
YEAH, LOOK, WE'RE HERE.
- WE REALLY DO, MAN.
- YEAH.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL GO TO A DOCTOR.
ALL RIGHT, GO ON,
BYE-BYE, GO HOME.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, IF
YOU NEED A KIDNEY,
I CAN GET IT FOR BEANS.
AS A MATTER OF FACT...
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
IF YOU WORK FOR THE CITY,
STATE, OR LOCAL GOVERNMENT,
I CAN GET YOU ORGANS WHOLESALE.
GET OUT!
OUT!
I CAN GET IT CHEAP.
OUT!
MR. KOTTER, I FEEL BAD ABOUT
SAYING THAT ABOUT THE BLONDE.
A CUTE REDHEAD
WOULD BE JUST AS GOOD.
GET OUT!
HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN
BY THAT, ARNOLD?
OH, MR. KOTTER, I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I HEARD THIS
GUY SAY IT ONCE,
AND THEN THE NEXT DAY I WENT
OVER TO ASK HIM WHAT IT MEANT
AND HE WAS GONE.
GET OUT!
HERE TODAY, GONE TOMORROW.
HEY, YO, MR. KOTTER,
HEY, DO ME A FAVOR.
DON'T WAIT TOO LONG.
MY UNCLE SPEC DID.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?
WELL, HE WAITED TOO LONG
TO GO SEE THE DOCTOR.
HE FINALLY WENT.
FIVE MINUTES AFTER HE
LEFT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE,
HE WAS DEAD.
HEART ATTACK?
NO, TAXI CAB.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, I KNOW.
"OUT, OUT!"
GETOUT!
GET OUT!
♪
I'M SO GLAD YOU FINALLY
TOOK A PHYSICAL, MR. KOTTER.
WE ALL HAVE OUR LITTLE PHOBIAS.
WHY, THE VERY REASON I'M A
NURSE IS BECAUSE I'M AFRAID TO FLY.
I WANTED TO BE A STEWARDESS.
I DON'T BLAME YOU, THE
UNIFORMS ARE SEXIER.
OH, YES.
THE GLAMOUR, THE EXCITEMENT,
THE AIR-SICK BAGS.
WHY, TO BE ABLE TO WALK
UP TO A PERFECT STRANGER
AND SAY, "COFFEE, TEA, OR MILK?"
INSTEAD OF JUST HANDING
THEM A LITTLE BOTTLE
AND SAYING, "YOU
KNOW WHAT TO DO."
OH, UH, KOTTER.
DID YOU BRING YOUR THERMOS
OF FIZZY STUFF TODAY?
I'VE GOT A PAIN RIGHT
ABOUT IN THIS AREA.
WELL, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
HAD THIS PAIN, MR. WOODMAN?
SINCE THIS MORNING
WHEN PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
HIT ME IN THE STOMACH
WITH A SOPHOMORE.
HEY.
HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
TELL US EVERYTHING.
I'LL TELL YOU
EVERYTHING, SIT DOWN.
FIRST OF ALL, I WENT
TO MY OLD PEDIATRICIAN,
DR. MEL MELMAN.
DR. MELMELMAN?
NO, NO, HIS FIRST
NAME IS MELVIN.
OH, MELVIN MELMELMAN.
NO, I'LL WRITE IT ON
THE BOARD, MELVIN...
WHO CARES?
ANYWAY, I SAT IN
HIS WAITING ROOM
WITH 26 KIDS WITH RUNNY NOSES.
THAT'S 52 LITTLE DRIPS.
DID YOU HAVE A LONG WAIT?
NO, IT WASN'T BAD. I
OCCUPIED MY TIME.
I COLORED FOR A WHILE,
CONNECTED THE DOTS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S A LOT
OF INTERESTING ARTICLES
IN THAT JACK AND JILL MAGAZINE.
OH, I KNEW THAT.
DID YOU READ THAT ONE
THAT TIME ABOUT THE CHICKEN
WHO BROUGHT UP THE DUCK?
THAT WAS NICE.
SO WHAT HAPPENED
AFTER YOU WENT IN?
YEAH.
OKAY, NOW FIRST
THING, DR. MEL MELMAN
STOOD ME AGAINST THE
WALL AND HE MEASURED ME.
AND HE WAS VERY IMPRESSED.
I'VE GROWN THREE AND A HALF FEET
SINCE MY LAST VISIT.
THEN HE GAVE ME A LOLLY
AND HE TOLD ME THAT
I WAS A GOOD BOY.
OH YEAH, BUT WHAT ABOUT
THE PAIN IN YOUR CHEST?
WELL, DR. MEL MELMAN SAID
THAT I SHOULD WATCH WHAT I EAT
AND I SHOULD AVOID
NERVOUS TENSION ANXIETY.
WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT?
WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT
TO BE NERVOUS ABOUT?
YOU'VE GOT A VERY RELAXING JOB.
KOTTER, COME OVER
HERE BY THE WINDOW,
I WANT YOU TO SEE SOMETHING.
WHAT?
THE FLAGPOLE, DO YOU SEE IT?
DO YOU SEE WHAT'S WAVING
FROM THAT FLAGPOLE?
IS IT OLD GLORY? NO.
IS IT THE SCHOOL FLAG? NO.
IT'S MS. FISHBECK.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
SHE FINALLY DID IT.
I'M HOLDING YOU AND
YOUR SWEATHOGS
PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE.
BUT, MR. WOODMAN, HOW CAN
YOU BE SO SURE IT WAS MY KIDS?
I HEARD THEM.
KOTTER, WHO ELSE IN THE
SCHOOL LAUGHS LIKE THIS?
NOBODY I KNOW.
WELL, MAYBE YOU DIDN'T DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW
SHE GOT UP THERE,
BUT I WANT MS. FISHBECK
LOWERED, FOLDED, AND PUT AWAY.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I CAN
HAVE NERVOUS ANXIETY, HUH?
MS. FISHBECK IS
CONNECTED TO THE FLAGPOLE.
AH.
♪ MS. FISHBECK'S
CONNECTED TO THE FLAGPOLE ♪
♪ AND THE FLAGPOLE'S
CONNECTED TO THE SCHOOLYARD ♪
♪ AND THE SCHOOLYARD'S
CONNECTED TO THE BOULEVARD ♪
GET OUT!
GET OUT!
♪
MR. WOODMAN, YOU GOTTA HEAR
ABOUT MY UNCLE KERMIT KOTTER.
NO, I DON'T, KOTTER.
LISTEN, LISTEN.
EVERY DAY HE WALKS BY THIS
WINDOW AND HE SEES THIS WOMAN
HITTING THIS BOY OVER THE
HEAD WITH A LOAF OF BREAD.
THIS GOES ON FOR SIX MONTHS.
EVERY DAY HE WALKS
BY THE WINDOW,
SHE HITS HIM OVER THE
HEAD WITH A LOAF OF BREAD.
AND ONE DAY HE WALKS BY AND
THE WOMAN IS HITTING THE BOY
OVER THE HEAD WITH A
CHOCOLATE CAKE, RIGHT?
HE CAN'T STAND IT, HE
KNOCKS ON THE WINDOW,
HE SAYS, "MISS, HOW COME
EVERY DAY A LOAF OF BREAD
AND TODAY YOU'RE
HITTING HIM OVER THE HEAD
WITH A CHOCOLATE CAKE?"
- AND THE WOMAN SAID...
- AND THE WOMAN SAID...
IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY.
I HEARD IT, KOTTER.
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪