Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 5 - The Museum - full transcript
The Sweathogs go on a field trip to a museum and meet its mysterious curator.
- MR. WOODMAN,
DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT THE BLACK
SHEEP OF MY FAMILY?
- I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.
- NO, THE BLACK
SHEEP OF MY FAMILY
WAS MY UNCLE LEFTY KOTTER
- WELL, GET ON WITH IT, KOTTER. I
WANT TO WATCH BARNEY MILLER.
- MY UNCLE LEFTY WAS A GAMBLER.
ONE TIME HE LOST
$40,000 IN LAS VEGAS,
SO HE GOES OUTSIDE THE CASINO,
HE LOOKS UP AT
THE SKY AND HE SAYS,
"PLEASE, GOD, I NEED $40,000.
I'LL NEVER ASK YOU
FOR ANYTHING AGAIN...
$40,000... PLEASE."
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
ANOTHER GUY COMES UP
AND STANDS ALONGSIDE
OF HIM, LOOKS UP AND SAYS,
"I NEED $20...
PLEASE, I NEED $20.
I'LL NEVER ASK FOR
ANYTHING AGAIN...
I NEED $20."
MY UNCLE LEFTY TAKES OUT $20
AND GIVES IT TO THE OTHER GUY.
HE LOOKS BACK UP AND SAYS,
OKAY, NOW CONCENTRATE...
$40,000... I NEED $40,000.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES HAVE ALL
CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ AND WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- OKAY, EVERYBODY.
MY WIFE AND I SHALL SERVE
AS YOUR CHAPERONES.
TAKE OUT YOUR CONSENT FORMS.
WE ARE ABOUT TO DEPART
ON OUR TRIP TO THE
MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.
- HERE YOU GO, MR. KOTTER.
- COLLECT THOSE
OVER THERE, JULIE.
- OKAY.
- LOOKIE THAT.
THERE YOU GO, MR. KOTTER.
- THANK YOU, VINNIE.
- YOU KNOW
SOMETHIN', MR. KOTTER?
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN TO
A REAL MUSEUM BEFORE.
- OH, GOOD. I HOPE
YOU'LL ENJOY IT.
- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WENT TO A WAX MUSEUM ONCE.
I SAW RAQUEL WELCH.
- GOOD.
- YOU KNOW THAT WAX COMES
OFF RIGHT IN YOUR HANDS.
- NEXT TIME WEAR GLOVES.
- OH, OH, I'M SORRY
I'M LATE, MR. KOTTER,
BUT PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
HAD SOME PROBLEMS,
BUT THE ARRANGEMENT
FOR THE FIELD TRIP...
IT'S IN THE BAG.
- KOTTER?
WHAT IS YOUR HERD
DOING OUT HERE?
- DON'T WORRY, MR. WOODMAN,
WE'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE.
WE'RE GOING ON OUR
FIELD TRIP TO THE MUSEUM.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
THE LAST CLASS I'D EVER
LET GO ON A FIELD TRIP
ARE SWEATHOGS.
THEY'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE, KOTTER.
THEY CAN'T BE ALLOWED
TO MINGLE WITH PEOPLE.
TAKE THEM TO THE ZOO
SO THEY CAN SEE FAMILY.
- MR. WOODMAN, WE HAVE
TWO ADULTS TO SUPERVISE.
- THAT'S RIGHT. TWO
CONSENTING ADULTS.
- A REMEDIAL CLASS
REQUIRES THREE ADULTS,
SO YOU CAN'T GO.
- HEY, MR. WOODMAN, YOU KNOW,
I WAS TALKING TO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS.
HE SAYS YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
CORRECT ON THAT.
A RULE IS A RULE... WE
NEED THREE ADULTS,
SO GUESS WHO HE
PICKED TO GO WITH US?
- WHO?
ME!
- OKAY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE
GOING TO THE MUSEUM.
WE SHALL USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM,
SO EVERYBODY PICK A BUDDY.
- YOU GONNA BE MY BUDDY!
- WHAT?
- I GOT SOME RIBS
IN MY LUNCHBOX...
WE COULD SHARE, RIGHT.
- COME ON, LET'S GO!
- I'LL SAVE YA SOME.
- EVERYBODY ON THE BUS.
- LAST ONE ON THE
BUS IS A SCHMENDRICK!
- HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
I'M NO SCHMENDRICK!
- HAH!
OH, WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT!
A DEAD RINGER FOR MISS FISHBECK.
- EPSTEIN, WHAT'VE
YOU GOT THERE?
- THIS? IT'S FROM A DOG.
IT'S JUST YOUR
UH, RUN OF THE MILL
AVERAGE DINOSAUR BONE.
- YOU'RE LUCKY THE
WHOLE DINOSAUR
DIDN'T COME CRASHING DOWN.
- AND FINALLY, BOYS AND GIRLS,
MY FAVORITE ROOM OF ALL...
A ROOM OF MAGIC
AND SUPERSTITION.
- OOH-OOH-OOOOH!
ONE, TWO, THREE.
- HEY, ARNOLD... DO I LOOK
LIKE A HARD-BOILED EGG?
- ARNOLD, THERE IS
NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
- OF COURSE NOT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO THIS
STUFF, RIGHT, MR. GORE?
- GORÉ.
YOU CAN BE A NON-BELIEVER
IF YOU LIKE, KOTTER,
BUT THERE ARE POWERS
GREATER THAN WE.
- I KNOW... EPSTEIN'S
GYM LOCKER.
- LOOK AT ALL THEM HANDS!
GOD, WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
TO HAVE ALL THEM HANDS
AND A DATE IN THE DRIVE-IN?
- HEY, HEY.
THAT COLLECTION OF CARVED BIRDS
REALLY BENT MY MIND, YOU KNOW.
I'M GONNA GET ME ONE
OF THEM WOODEN EAGLES,
PUT A MOTOR IN IT,
GET ME SOME WHEELS
AND GO UP TO THE GRAND CANYON...
- I HATE TO INTERRUPT
THIS MERRIMENT,
BUT THE MUSEUM'S ABOUT TO CLOSE
AND THERE'S STILL A
LITTLE BIT OF TOUR LEFT.
- HEY, MR. GORE...
- GORÉ.
- GORÉ, WHATEVER.
WHAT IS THAT FLYIN'
SAUCER THING UP THERE?
- AH, THIS AZTEC SUN CALENDAR
HAS BEEN WITNESS TO
MANY A GORY RITUAL.
- GORÉ.
- EVERY YEAR 20,000 AZTECS
WERE SACRIFICED
TO THEIR SUN GOD.
- WHEW!
- I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS WHY
THERE AREN'T ANY MORE AZTECS.
- MR. KOTTER, MAY I
SPEAK TO YOU A MOMENT...
ALONE?
- SURE.
OKAY, EVERYBODY.
LOOK AROUND...
DON'T GET IN TROUBLE.
- MR. KOTTER, I THINK YOUR
ATTITUDE IS TOO FRIVOLOUS.
AZTEC JOKES ARE IN BAD TASTE.
THEY ANGER THE SPIRITS.
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ.
BETWEEN YOU AND I, DON'T YOU...
- BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
- I KNOW, WE'RE THE
ONLY ONES HERE.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT...
- GRAMMATICALLY, IT'S
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
YOU'RE A TEACHER,
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.
- I TEACH SOCIAL STUDIES.
I WAS NEVER TOO GOOD IN ENGLISH.
- OH, I SEE.
- ANYWAY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
TAKE THIS MUMBO-JUMBO STUFF
A LITTLE BIT TOO SERIOUSLY?
- KOTTER, I'M WARNING YOU...
THERE ARE FORCES HERE
THAT DON'T DIG ONE-LINERS.
- MR. GORÉ, THAT IS HOW I TEACH.
I TRY TO INTEGRATE A
LITTLE HUMOR INTO MY CLASS.
I FIND IT HAS A VERY POSITIVE
EFFECT ON MY STUDENTS.
- IT MAY BE YOUR CLASS,
BUT IT'S MY MUSEUM.
- HEY, FREDDIE.
- HEY.
- LOOK AT THIS, HUH.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
HAD BROTHERS IN EGYPT.
- OH, SURE.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF
SAM THE SHAM AND THE PHARAOHS?
- OH, WOW!
DID YOU GET THE NUMBER
OF THE TRUCK THAT HIT YOU?
- GET OUT! OUT, OUT OUT!
EVERYBODY OUT!
THIS ROOM IS FOR VIPS ONLY.
- HMPF, WELL, YOU'RE
LOOKIN' AT A VIP.
VINNIE, ITALIAN PERSON.
- MR. GORÉ, SINCE
WE'RE HERE ALREADY,
WHY NOT JUST CONTINUE THE TOUR.
- YEAH.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
BUT REMEMBER,
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING
OR YOU'LL RISK THE
WRATH OF THE PHARAOH.
BEHOLD, THE MUMMY.
3,000 YEARS OLD.
- THAT'S AMAZING.
HE DOESN'T LOOK
A DAY OVER 2,500.
- HIS NAME IS PEU.
- I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING.
IF YOU'RE BEEN WEARING
THE SAME WHITE SUIT
FOR 3,000 YEARS, THEY'D
CALL YOU PEU, TOO.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU'RE VERY CLOSE TO AN IDIOT.
- I'VE WARNED YOU,
I'VE WARNED ALL OF YOU.
THEY WERE JUST JOKING.
THEY WERE JUST PLAYING AROUND.
THAT'S A NICE MUMMY.
NICE, NICE PEU. NICE PEU.
ALL RIGHT NOW, WALK THIS WAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. HERE, HERE!
HERE IS PEU'S AUTHENTIC
ROYAL MUMMY CASE.
IT IS SAID
THAT IF ANY INTERLOPER
DARES TO OPEN THIS CASE,
THE MUMMY WILL RETURN
TO PUNISH THE OFFENDER.
- LOOK, UH, MR. GORÉ,
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD BE IMPOSING
YOUR OWN SUPERSTITIOUS
BELIEFS ON MY CLASS.
- YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
- NO, I DON'T.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN... I
DARE YOU TO OPEN IT.
- YOU WANT ME TO OPEN THAT?
- HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH.
- GO 'HEAD, GO ON, GO
'HEAD. TRY IT. OPEN IT UP.
I AM.
- UH, UH, UH, OH.
OH, GREAT AND WONDROUS PEU.
OH, SHOW YOURSELF TO
YOUR UNWORTHY SERVANTS.
OH, SPEAK THE WORD,
SPEAK THE WORD
THAT WILL REVEAL
YOUR TRUE BEING.
Horshack: HULLO!
HOW-WAH-YA?
I'M PEU, THE MUMMY.
YUK, YUK, YUK.
- HORSHACK, WILL
YOU GET OUTTA THERE.
COME ON, DON'T FOOL
AROUND. GET OUTTA THERE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
MR. GOURMET, YOU OKAY?
- KOTTER, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
NO MORE FIELD TRIPS... EVER.
NOW WAKE UP THAT WEIRDO,
AND EVERYBODY BACK ON THE BUS.
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ.
YOU'RE A GROWN MAN.
HOW COULD YOU FAINT
OVER A SILLY SUPERSTITION?
IT'S THE CURSE OF PEU.
- BELIEVE ME, BELIEVE ME.
NOTHING IS GONNA HAPPEN.
- HEY, HEY, THIS DOOR
AIN'T GOT NO HANDLES.
HEY, WHAT KINDA DOOR
AIN'T GOT NO HANDLES?
- A DOOR FROM WHERE
THE DEAD PEOPLE LIVE...
WOO, WOOO.
JUAN, I'M SORRY.
- I'M SO CON-FUSED!
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ,
WAKE UP. COME ON.
HELP US GET OUTTA HERE.
IT'S THE CURSE OF PEU.
- NICE GOIN',
KOTTER. NICE GOIN'.
NOW YOU GOT PEU MAD,
AND I'M LOCKED IN HERE
WITH YOUR SWEATHOGS.
LET ME OUT, LET ME
OUTTA HERE, PLEASE.
- MR. WOODMAN, THIS IS NO WAY
FOR A RESPONSIBLE
EDUCATOR TO ACT.
NOW I, WHO AM AN
UNDERACHIEVER...
CAN GET AWAY WITH
THIS KIND OF THING.
HEL-L-L-P!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
LOOK, FELLAS. ALL RIGHT.
IF SOMEBODY IS HERE,
THEY'RE GONNA
COME AND LET US OUT.
NOW IF THEY'VE GONE HOME,
WE MIGHT BE STUCK
'TIL THE MORNING.
- SEE THAT, JUAN.
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT, I PROMISE.
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
THEY'LL LET US
OUT IN THE MORNING,
BUT WE GOTTA SPEND
THE NIGHT IN THE TOMB.
- W-W-WITH PEU THE MUMMY?
- WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE!
- LET'S CONTROL OURSELVES.
LET'S NOT LOSE OUR HEADS.
THIS MUMMY IS DEAD.
IT'S BEEN DEAD FOR 3,000 YEARS.
THEY HAD THE FUNERAL
3,000 YEARS AGO.
THIS WONDERFUL MUMMY
WHO WE ALL KNOW SO WELL...
AND LOVED SO
DEARLY... HAS LEFT US.
ONE OF THE GREAT
ENTERTAINERS OF OUR TIME.
WHO ORIGINALLY WORKED
IN THE CAIRO THEATER
UNDER THE NAME
OF SMITH AND MUMMY.
WE ALL REMEMBER VERY WELL
THE FANTASTIC ACT THAT HE DID.
AND WE'LL NEVER FORGET.
- AND SO, THIS
WONDERFUL MUMMY...
WHO WE ALL KNEW SO WELL,
WHO WAS A GREAT FRIEND
OF THE STATE OF ISRAEL...
IT IS WITH SAD REGRET THAT
WE ALL BID ADIEU TO PEU.
- DOOMED! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
Mr. Goré: YEAH!
- OH, HE'S FAINTED AGAIN!
HOW MANY TIMES
CAN ONE MAN FAINT?
- HEY, MISTER KOT-TAIRE, IT
AIN'T NUTTIN' TO WORRY ABOUT.
WE JUST GOTTA GET
HIS FEET UP FIRST.
YOU SEE, WHAT WE GOTTA DO IS
WE GOTTA GET THE BLOOD WOOZING
BACK INTO HIS HEAD.
OKAY... WOOZE, WOOZE...
- WHERE, WHERE AM I?
- HEY, IT WORKED!
- WHAT, WHAT IS IT?
- MR. GORÉ, COME ON, GET UP.
- WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT HAPPENED?
- MR. GORÉ...
- HUH, YES...
- YOU WERE OUT FOR AWHILE.
- HUH, HUH.
- LOOK, MR. GORÉ.
WHILE YOU WERE OUT, WE
HAD A TINY LITTLE PROBLEM.
- YES.
- UM, THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT,
AND UM, ARE WE LOCKED
IN HERE 'TIL MORNING?
- I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! I
KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
YOUR JOKING WOKE
THE MUMMY'S SPIRIT,
AND NOW THE WRATH OF PEU
HAS DESCENDED ON ALL OF US.
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ,
JUST TELL US HOW WE
CAN GET OUTTA HERE.
- MR. KOTTER, THIS IS
NO RINKY-DINK MUSEUM.
THIS TOMB HAS A
BUILT-IN FAILSAFE PLAN.
FOLLOW ME.
ONE PULL ON THIS TASSEL
WILL ROUSE THE CURATOR
WHO WILL COME
IMMEDIATELY TO OUR RESCUE.
- MR. GORÉ...
- YES?
- YOU'RE THE CURATOR.
- HOW UNFORTUNATE!
- DOOMED! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
COME ON. EVERYBODY
JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR.
TAKE IT EASY FOR AWHILE.
- OH, WOW.
- LISTEN, I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S TELL GHOST STORIES.
OH, I'M NOT SCARED.
I NEVER GET SCARED.
- WELL, I DO, MRS. KOTTER.
WE'RE TRAPPED...
TRAPPED FOREVER...
AND I NEVER EVEN GOT
TO MEET MARIE OSMOND.
I DREAM ABOUT MARIE OSMOND.
- YO, WHAT KIND OF DREAMS?
- WELL, JUST MARIE AND
ME SNUGGLED TOGETHER,
AND SHE WHISPERS IN MY EAR...
HULLO, I'M A LITTLE
BIT COUNTRY...
AND I WHISPER BACK, MARIE,
I'M A LITTLE BIT ROCK 'N ROLL...
- HEY, WHY DON'T WE
USE THESE OLD TOOLS
TO TRY AND GET
OURSELVES OUTTA HERE.
- OH, YEAH.
- HEY, THAT MIGHT WORK.
- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I'M
TERRIFIC WITH MY HANDS.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
THOSE TOOLS... NO, NO.
THOSE TOOLS ARE RELICS.
THEY'RE 3,000 YEARS OLD.
THEY'RE FOR PEU'S USE ONLY.
- LOOK, MR. GORÉ,
IF PEU WANTED TO
USE THOSE TOOLS,
HE WOULDA DONE IT BY NOW.
PEU, WE'RE GONNA USE YOUR TOOLS.
WE'RE STUCK IN HERE 'TIL
THE MORNING, AND WE'RE...
JUST USE THE TOOLS, GO AHEAD.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT
IF WE ALL PERISH,
DON'T COME YELLING TO ME.
- I AIN'T SEEN OR
HEARD ANY OLD RELICS...
NOT EVEN MR. WOODMAN.
- GET BENT, BARBARINO.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. NOW LOOK,
WE'RE ALL WORKING TOGETHER HERE.
LOOK, WE'RE TRYING
TO GET OUTTA HERE.
WE'LL FIND A WAY...
MR. GORÉ, WHERE DOES
THIS AIR DUCT LEAD?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T SPEND AS MUCH TIME
IN THIS TOMB AS I'D LIKE TO.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
I BET A SMALL PERSON
COULD FIT THROUGH THERE.
- OH, I'LL DO IT, MR. KOTTER!
I AIN'T SCARED.
CALL ME MR. DANGER.
- OKAY, MR. DANGER, GO AHEAD.
- BE CAREFUL, ARNOLD.
- ALL RIGHT, BE CAREFUL.
- GO AHEAD, ARNOLD.
- ALL RIGHT, ARNOLD.
DON'T BEND YOUR
NOSE ON ANYTHING.
- MR. KOTTER, I WOULD NOT
TALK ABOUT NOSES IF I WAS YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
FIT A FAMILY OF FOUR
COMFORTABLY IN YOUR NOSE,
WITH ROOM TO SPARE
FOR TWO DOGS...
A CAT... A MOTHER-IN-LAW...
- GET IN THERE!
- THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR.
- GET IN THERE!
- OOOH, IT'S REAL DARK
IN HERE, MR. KOTTER.
I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING.
WHERE AM I GOING?
WAIT, I THINK I SEE...
YES, I SEE LIGHT!
LIGHT, MR. KOTTER!
OKAY, I AM CRAWLING
TOWARDS THE LIGHT.
IT'S GETTING BRIGHTER.
MR. KOTTER, I AM NEAR THE LIGHT.
I AM GONNA BACK UP.
- MR. KOTTER, YOU GOTTA HELP US.
WE'RE TRAPPED IN THERE!
NO, WE'RE NOT.
YES, WE ARE.
- I'M SO CON-FUSED!
WE'RE ALL DOOMED.
I MAY BE DOOMED, KOTTER,
BUT I'M TAKING YOUR
SWEATHOGS WITH ME!
- YOU'VE GOT A STRANGE
BUNCH HERE, KOTTER.
- LOOK, MR. GORÉ, YOU
BROUGHT NEW MEANING
TO THE WORD STRANGE.
- MISTER KOT-TAIRE, LOOK,
WE KNOW THE STUPID STUPIDITY
ABOUT THESE STUPID
SUPERSTITIONS IS... STUPID.
I MEAN, LIFE WOULD
REALLY BE A REAL DRAG
IF WE KNEW EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
- KNOWING EVERYTHING
IS NOT ONE OF THIS
GROUP'S MAJOR PROBLEMS.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU
GUYS JUST TO BLINDLY ACCEPT
WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY IN LIFE.
I WANT YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS,
THINK BEFORE YOU BELIEVE.
- THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, KOTTER,
ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS AND
THINKING BEFORE YOU BELIEVE,
BUT THE FACT IS,
THE MUMMY'S GONNA GET
US IF WE DON'T GET OUT!
- HA, HA, HA, HA, HEH, HE.
HOWEVER, THERE IS ONE CHANCE.
THE MUMMY WON'T HARM US IF
WE OFFER HIM A HUMAN SACRIFICE.
- A HUMAN SACRIFICE?
- YES, A HUMAN SACRIFICE.
- HORSHACK... GET OVER HERE.
- SORRY, A HUMAN SACRIFICE
HAS TO BE PURE AND UNTOUCHED.
All: HORSHACK, GET OVER HERE!
- HEY, MR. KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, COME HERE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHAT
YOU WAS JUST SAYIN'
ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS
AND EVERYTHING...
WELL, I'VE BEEN
ASKING QUESTIONS.
I FIGURED OUT HOW TO
GET THIS DOOR OPEN, SEE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE I WATCH PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY'RE
BUILDING BUILDINGS.
I ASK THEM QUESTIONS,
AND THEY TELL ME THINGS
ABOUT THE STRESS AND
BALANCE... STUFF LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY, YA FIND THE
STRESS SPOTS ON THIS DOOR
AND WE'RE HOME FREE.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU GOT
IT. WATCH OUT. LOOK OUT.
- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUTTA HERE!
EVERYBODY, LET'S GO!
BACK ON THE BUS, SINGLE LINE.
WELL, MR. WOODMAN,
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
MY SWEATHOGS NOW, HUH?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, KOTTER,
I WAS PRETTY CLOSE
TO DOOMED BACK THERE.
WHEN A MAN COMES
THAT CLOSE TO THE END,
HE THINKS ABOUT A LOT OF
THINGS, SO I CAME TO A CONCLUSION
ABOUT YOU AND YOUR
SWEATHOGS, KOTTER.
YOU'RE STILL NOT PEOPLE!
- OH, I WISH THAT
DOOR HADN'T OPENED.
I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO BECOMING A MUMMY.
KOTTER, WOODMAN WAS
RIGHT ABOUT YOUR SWEATHOGS.
THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE,
BUT THEN NEITHER AM I.
HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH.
- RITUAL, SUPERSTITION...
IT'S ALL NONSENSE.
UH-UH.
- GOTCHA!
- I KNEW IT WAS
YOU ALL THE TIME.
- YOU DID NOT!
- I KNEW IT WAS YOU!
I KNOW WHAT YOUR
HAND FEELS LIKE.
- YOU JUMPED, YOU JUMPED A MILE!
- WELL, WHERE'D YOU
LEAVE IT? WHERE IS IT?
- OH, THERE IT IS, HONEY.
- COME ON, LET'S GET IT.
COME ON. WE GOTTA TRAVEL.
- OKAY.
- DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO USED TO TRAVEL A LOT?
- WAS HE A SALESMAN?
- NO, HE JUST LIKED TO
GET AWAY FROM MY AUNT.
UH, NO, NO. HE WAS A SALESMAN.
THE THING IS, HE NEVER BOTHERED
TO MAKE HOTEL RESERVATIONS.
- WELL, HE MUST HAVE LOST
OUT ON A LOT OF ROOMS.
- NO, HE HAD THIS
TERRIFIC STRATEGY.
YOU SEE, IF HE'D GET TO A HOTEL
AND THEY SAY WELL, WE
DON'T HAVE ANY ROOMS,
HE'D SAY, WHAD'YA MEAN
YA DON'T HAVE ANY ROOMS?
SUPPOSE THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES
WAS TO CALL UP FOR A
ROOM, WOULD YA HAVE A ROOM
FOR THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES?
THE GUY WOULD SAY, WELL, I GUESS
IF THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES CALLED UP,
WE'D HAVE A ROOM.
HE'D SAY, WELL, I
JUST SPOKE TO HIM.
HE'S NOT COMING, SO
LET ME HAVE HIS ROOM.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ AND WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT THE BLACK
SHEEP OF MY FAMILY?
- I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.
- NO, THE BLACK
SHEEP OF MY FAMILY
WAS MY UNCLE LEFTY KOTTER
- WELL, GET ON WITH IT, KOTTER. I
WANT TO WATCH BARNEY MILLER.
- MY UNCLE LEFTY WAS A GAMBLER.
ONE TIME HE LOST
$40,000 IN LAS VEGAS,
SO HE GOES OUTSIDE THE CASINO,
HE LOOKS UP AT
THE SKY AND HE SAYS,
"PLEASE, GOD, I NEED $40,000.
I'LL NEVER ASK YOU
FOR ANYTHING AGAIN...
$40,000... PLEASE."
ALL OF A SUDDEN,
ANOTHER GUY COMES UP
AND STANDS ALONGSIDE
OF HIM, LOOKS UP AND SAYS,
"I NEED $20...
PLEASE, I NEED $20.
I'LL NEVER ASK FOR
ANYTHING AGAIN...
I NEED $20."
MY UNCLE LEFTY TAKES OUT $20
AND GIVES IT TO THE OTHER GUY.
HE LOOKS BACK UP AND SAYS,
OKAY, NOW CONCENTRATE...
$40,000... I NEED $40,000.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES HAVE ALL
CHANGED SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ AND WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
- OKAY, EVERYBODY.
MY WIFE AND I SHALL SERVE
AS YOUR CHAPERONES.
TAKE OUT YOUR CONSENT FORMS.
WE ARE ABOUT TO DEPART
ON OUR TRIP TO THE
MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY.
- HERE YOU GO, MR. KOTTER.
- COLLECT THOSE
OVER THERE, JULIE.
- OKAY.
- LOOKIE THAT.
THERE YOU GO, MR. KOTTER.
- THANK YOU, VINNIE.
- YOU KNOW
SOMETHIN', MR. KOTTER?
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN TO
A REAL MUSEUM BEFORE.
- OH, GOOD. I HOPE
YOU'LL ENJOY IT.
- BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WENT TO A WAX MUSEUM ONCE.
I SAW RAQUEL WELCH.
- GOOD.
- YOU KNOW THAT WAX COMES
OFF RIGHT IN YOUR HANDS.
- NEXT TIME WEAR GLOVES.
- OH, OH, I'M SORRY
I'M LATE, MR. KOTTER,
BUT PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
HAD SOME PROBLEMS,
BUT THE ARRANGEMENT
FOR THE FIELD TRIP...
IT'S IN THE BAG.
- KOTTER?
WHAT IS YOUR HERD
DOING OUT HERE?
- DON'T WORRY, MR. WOODMAN,
WE'RE ABOUT TO LEAVE.
WE'RE GOING ON OUR
FIELD TRIP TO THE MUSEUM.
- OH, NO, YOU'RE NOT.
I CHANGED MY MIND.
THE LAST CLASS I'D EVER
LET GO ON A FIELD TRIP
ARE SWEATHOGS.
THEY'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE, KOTTER.
THEY CAN'T BE ALLOWED
TO MINGLE WITH PEOPLE.
TAKE THEM TO THE ZOO
SO THEY CAN SEE FAMILY.
- MR. WOODMAN, WE HAVE
TWO ADULTS TO SUPERVISE.
- THAT'S RIGHT. TWO
CONSENTING ADULTS.
- A REMEDIAL CLASS
REQUIRES THREE ADULTS,
SO YOU CAN'T GO.
- HEY, MR. WOODMAN, YOU KNOW,
I WAS TALKING TO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS.
HE SAYS YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY
CORRECT ON THAT.
A RULE IS A RULE... WE
NEED THREE ADULTS,
SO GUESS WHO HE
PICKED TO GO WITH US?
- WHO?
ME!
- OKAY, EVERYBODY, WE'RE
GOING TO THE MUSEUM.
WE SHALL USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM,
SO EVERYBODY PICK A BUDDY.
- YOU GONNA BE MY BUDDY!
- WHAT?
- I GOT SOME RIBS
IN MY LUNCHBOX...
WE COULD SHARE, RIGHT.
- COME ON, LET'S GO!
- I'LL SAVE YA SOME.
- EVERYBODY ON THE BUS.
- LAST ONE ON THE
BUS IS A SCHMENDRICK!
- HOLD IT! HOLD IT!
I'M NO SCHMENDRICK!
- HAH!
OH, WOULD YA LOOK AT THAT!
A DEAD RINGER FOR MISS FISHBECK.
- EPSTEIN, WHAT'VE
YOU GOT THERE?
- THIS? IT'S FROM A DOG.
IT'S JUST YOUR
UH, RUN OF THE MILL
AVERAGE DINOSAUR BONE.
- YOU'RE LUCKY THE
WHOLE DINOSAUR
DIDN'T COME CRASHING DOWN.
- AND FINALLY, BOYS AND GIRLS,
MY FAVORITE ROOM OF ALL...
A ROOM OF MAGIC
AND SUPERSTITION.
- OOH-OOH-OOOOH!
ONE, TWO, THREE.
- HEY, ARNOLD... DO I LOOK
LIKE A HARD-BOILED EGG?
- ARNOLD, THERE IS
NOTHING TO BE AFRAID OF.
- OF COURSE NOT.
THERE'S NOTHING TO THIS
STUFF, RIGHT, MR. GORE?
- GORÉ.
YOU CAN BE A NON-BELIEVER
IF YOU LIKE, KOTTER,
BUT THERE ARE POWERS
GREATER THAN WE.
- I KNOW... EPSTEIN'S
GYM LOCKER.
- LOOK AT ALL THEM HANDS!
GOD, WOULDN'T IT BE GREAT
TO HAVE ALL THEM HANDS
AND A DATE IN THE DRIVE-IN?
- HEY, HEY.
THAT COLLECTION OF CARVED BIRDS
REALLY BENT MY MIND, YOU KNOW.
I'M GONNA GET ME ONE
OF THEM WOODEN EAGLES,
PUT A MOTOR IN IT,
GET ME SOME WHEELS
AND GO UP TO THE GRAND CANYON...
- I HATE TO INTERRUPT
THIS MERRIMENT,
BUT THE MUSEUM'S ABOUT TO CLOSE
AND THERE'S STILL A
LITTLE BIT OF TOUR LEFT.
- HEY, MR. GORE...
- GORÉ.
- GORÉ, WHATEVER.
WHAT IS THAT FLYIN'
SAUCER THING UP THERE?
- AH, THIS AZTEC SUN CALENDAR
HAS BEEN WITNESS TO
MANY A GORY RITUAL.
- GORÉ.
- EVERY YEAR 20,000 AZTECS
WERE SACRIFICED
TO THEIR SUN GOD.
- WHEW!
- I GUESS THAT EXPLAINS WHY
THERE AREN'T ANY MORE AZTECS.
- MR. KOTTER, MAY I
SPEAK TO YOU A MOMENT...
ALONE?
- SURE.
OKAY, EVERYBODY.
LOOK AROUND...
DON'T GET IN TROUBLE.
- MR. KOTTER, I THINK YOUR
ATTITUDE IS TOO FRIVOLOUS.
AZTEC JOKES ARE IN BAD TASTE.
THEY ANGER THE SPIRITS.
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ.
BETWEEN YOU AND I, DON'T YOU...
- BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
- I KNOW, WE'RE THE
ONLY ONES HERE.
DON'T YOU THINK THAT...
- GRAMMATICALLY, IT'S
BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
YOU'RE A TEACHER,
YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT.
- I TEACH SOCIAL STUDIES.
I WAS NEVER TOO GOOD IN ENGLISH.
- OH, I SEE.
- ANYWAY, DON'T YOU THINK YOU
TAKE THIS MUMBO-JUMBO STUFF
A LITTLE BIT TOO SERIOUSLY?
- KOTTER, I'M WARNING YOU...
THERE ARE FORCES HERE
THAT DON'T DIG ONE-LINERS.
- MR. GORÉ, THAT IS HOW I TEACH.
I TRY TO INTEGRATE A
LITTLE HUMOR INTO MY CLASS.
I FIND IT HAS A VERY POSITIVE
EFFECT ON MY STUDENTS.
- IT MAY BE YOUR CLASS,
BUT IT'S MY MUSEUM.
- HEY, FREDDIE.
- HEY.
- LOOK AT THIS, HUH.
I DIDN'T KNOW THEY
HAD BROTHERS IN EGYPT.
- OH, SURE.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD OF
SAM THE SHAM AND THE PHARAOHS?
- OH, WOW!
DID YOU GET THE NUMBER
OF THE TRUCK THAT HIT YOU?
- GET OUT! OUT, OUT OUT!
EVERYBODY OUT!
THIS ROOM IS FOR VIPS ONLY.
- HMPF, WELL, YOU'RE
LOOKIN' AT A VIP.
VINNIE, ITALIAN PERSON.
- MR. GORÉ, SINCE
WE'RE HERE ALREADY,
WHY NOT JUST CONTINUE THE TOUR.
- YEAH.
- WELL, ALL RIGHT.
BUT REMEMBER,
DON'T TOUCH ANYTHING
OR YOU'LL RISK THE
WRATH OF THE PHARAOH.
BEHOLD, THE MUMMY.
3,000 YEARS OLD.
- THAT'S AMAZING.
HE DOESN'T LOOK
A DAY OVER 2,500.
- HIS NAME IS PEU.
- I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING.
IF YOU'RE BEEN WEARING
THE SAME WHITE SUIT
FOR 3,000 YEARS, THEY'D
CALL YOU PEU, TOO.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
YOU'RE VERY CLOSE TO AN IDIOT.
- I'VE WARNED YOU,
I'VE WARNED ALL OF YOU.
THEY WERE JUST JOKING.
THEY WERE JUST PLAYING AROUND.
THAT'S A NICE MUMMY.
NICE, NICE PEU. NICE PEU.
ALL RIGHT NOW, WALK THIS WAY.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. HERE, HERE!
HERE IS PEU'S AUTHENTIC
ROYAL MUMMY CASE.
IT IS SAID
THAT IF ANY INTERLOPER
DARES TO OPEN THIS CASE,
THE MUMMY WILL RETURN
TO PUNISH THE OFFENDER.
- LOOK, UH, MR. GORÉ,
I DON'T THINK YOU
SHOULD BE IMPOSING
YOUR OWN SUPERSTITIOUS
BELIEFS ON MY CLASS.
- YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
- NO, I DON'T.
- ALL RIGHT, THEN... I
DARE YOU TO OPEN IT.
- YOU WANT ME TO OPEN THAT?
- HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH.
- GO 'HEAD, GO ON, GO
'HEAD. TRY IT. OPEN IT UP.
I AM.
- UH, UH, UH, OH.
OH, GREAT AND WONDROUS PEU.
OH, SHOW YOURSELF TO
YOUR UNWORTHY SERVANTS.
OH, SPEAK THE WORD,
SPEAK THE WORD
THAT WILL REVEAL
YOUR TRUE BEING.
Horshack: HULLO!
HOW-WAH-YA?
I'M PEU, THE MUMMY.
YUK, YUK, YUK.
- HORSHACK, WILL
YOU GET OUTTA THERE.
COME ON, DON'T FOOL
AROUND. GET OUTTA THERE.
- YEAH, YEAH.
MR. GOURMET, YOU OKAY?
- KOTTER, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
NO MORE FIELD TRIPS... EVER.
NOW WAKE UP THAT WEIRDO,
AND EVERYBODY BACK ON THE BUS.
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ.
YOU'RE A GROWN MAN.
HOW COULD YOU FAINT
OVER A SILLY SUPERSTITION?
IT'S THE CURSE OF PEU.
- BELIEVE ME, BELIEVE ME.
NOTHING IS GONNA HAPPEN.
- HEY, HEY, THIS DOOR
AIN'T GOT NO HANDLES.
HEY, WHAT KINDA DOOR
AIN'T GOT NO HANDLES?
- A DOOR FROM WHERE
THE DEAD PEOPLE LIVE...
WOO, WOOO.
JUAN, I'M SORRY.
- I'M SO CON-FUSED!
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ,
WAKE UP. COME ON.
HELP US GET OUTTA HERE.
IT'S THE CURSE OF PEU.
- NICE GOIN',
KOTTER. NICE GOIN'.
NOW YOU GOT PEU MAD,
AND I'M LOCKED IN HERE
WITH YOUR SWEATHOGS.
LET ME OUT, LET ME
OUTTA HERE, PLEASE.
- MR. WOODMAN, THIS IS NO WAY
FOR A RESPONSIBLE
EDUCATOR TO ACT.
NOW I, WHO AM AN
UNDERACHIEVER...
CAN GET AWAY WITH
THIS KIND OF THING.
HEL-L-L-P!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
LOOK, FELLAS. ALL RIGHT.
IF SOMEBODY IS HERE,
THEY'RE GONNA
COME AND LET US OUT.
NOW IF THEY'VE GONE HOME,
WE MIGHT BE STUCK
'TIL THE MORNING.
- SEE THAT, JUAN.
IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT, I PROMISE.
- YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
THEY'LL LET US
OUT IN THE MORNING,
BUT WE GOTTA SPEND
THE NIGHT IN THE TOMB.
- W-W-WITH PEU THE MUMMY?
- WAIT A MINUTE!
WAIT A MINUTE!
- LET'S CONTROL OURSELVES.
LET'S NOT LOSE OUR HEADS.
THIS MUMMY IS DEAD.
IT'S BEEN DEAD FOR 3,000 YEARS.
THEY HAD THE FUNERAL
3,000 YEARS AGO.
THIS WONDERFUL MUMMY
WHO WE ALL KNOW SO WELL...
AND LOVED SO
DEARLY... HAS LEFT US.
ONE OF THE GREAT
ENTERTAINERS OF OUR TIME.
WHO ORIGINALLY WORKED
IN THE CAIRO THEATER
UNDER THE NAME
OF SMITH AND MUMMY.
WE ALL REMEMBER VERY WELL
THE FANTASTIC ACT THAT HE DID.
AND WE'LL NEVER FORGET.
- AND SO, THIS
WONDERFUL MUMMY...
WHO WE ALL KNEW SO WELL,
WHO WAS A GREAT FRIEND
OF THE STATE OF ISRAEL...
IT IS WITH SAD REGRET THAT
WE ALL BID ADIEU TO PEU.
- DOOMED! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
Mr. Goré: YEAH!
- OH, HE'S FAINTED AGAIN!
HOW MANY TIMES
CAN ONE MAN FAINT?
- HEY, MISTER KOT-TAIRE, IT
AIN'T NUTTIN' TO WORRY ABOUT.
WE JUST GOTTA GET
HIS FEET UP FIRST.
YOU SEE, WHAT WE GOTTA DO IS
WE GOTTA GET THE BLOOD WOOZING
BACK INTO HIS HEAD.
OKAY... WOOZE, WOOZE...
- WHERE, WHERE AM I?
- HEY, IT WORKED!
- WHAT, WHAT IS IT?
- MR. GORÉ, COME ON, GET UP.
- WHAT HAPPENED, WHAT HAPPENED?
- MR. GORÉ...
- HUH, YES...
- YOU WERE OUT FOR AWHILE.
- HUH, HUH.
- LOOK, MR. GORÉ.
WHILE YOU WERE OUT, WE
HAD A TINY LITTLE PROBLEM.
- YES.
- UM, THE DOOR SLAMMED SHUT,
AND UM, ARE WE LOCKED
IN HERE 'TIL MORNING?
- I KNEW IT, I KNEW IT! I
KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN.
YOUR JOKING WOKE
THE MUMMY'S SPIRIT,
AND NOW THE WRATH OF PEU
HAS DESCENDED ON ALL OF US.
- COME ON, MR. GORÉ,
JUST TELL US HOW WE
CAN GET OUTTA HERE.
- MR. KOTTER, THIS IS
NO RINKY-DINK MUSEUM.
THIS TOMB HAS A
BUILT-IN FAILSAFE PLAN.
FOLLOW ME.
ONE PULL ON THIS TASSEL
WILL ROUSE THE CURATOR
WHO WILL COME
IMMEDIATELY TO OUR RESCUE.
- MR. GORÉ...
- YES?
- YOU'RE THE CURATOR.
- HOW UNFORTUNATE!
- DOOMED! WE'RE ALL DOOMED!
- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LET'S SIT DOWN AND RELAX.
COME ON. EVERYBODY
JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR.
TAKE IT EASY FOR AWHILE.
- OH, WOW.
- LISTEN, I'VE GOT A GREAT IDEA.
LET'S TELL GHOST STORIES.
OH, I'M NOT SCARED.
I NEVER GET SCARED.
- WELL, I DO, MRS. KOTTER.
WE'RE TRAPPED...
TRAPPED FOREVER...
AND I NEVER EVEN GOT
TO MEET MARIE OSMOND.
I DREAM ABOUT MARIE OSMOND.
- YO, WHAT KIND OF DREAMS?
- WELL, JUST MARIE AND
ME SNUGGLED TOGETHER,
AND SHE WHISPERS IN MY EAR...
HULLO, I'M A LITTLE
BIT COUNTRY...
AND I WHISPER BACK, MARIE,
I'M A LITTLE BIT ROCK 'N ROLL...
- HEY, WHY DON'T WE
USE THESE OLD TOOLS
TO TRY AND GET
OURSELVES OUTTA HERE.
- OH, YEAH.
- HEY, THAT MIGHT WORK.
- THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I'M
TERRIFIC WITH MY HANDS.
- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
THOSE TOOLS... NO, NO.
THOSE TOOLS ARE RELICS.
THEY'RE 3,000 YEARS OLD.
THEY'RE FOR PEU'S USE ONLY.
- LOOK, MR. GORÉ,
IF PEU WANTED TO
USE THOSE TOOLS,
HE WOULDA DONE IT BY NOW.
PEU, WE'RE GONNA USE YOUR TOOLS.
WE'RE STUCK IN HERE 'TIL
THE MORNING, AND WE'RE...
JUST USE THE TOOLS, GO AHEAD.
- ALL RIGHT, BUT
IF WE ALL PERISH,
DON'T COME YELLING TO ME.
- I AIN'T SEEN OR
HEARD ANY OLD RELICS...
NOT EVEN MR. WOODMAN.
- GET BENT, BARBARINO.
- ALL RIGHT, ALL
RIGHT. NOW LOOK,
WE'RE ALL WORKING TOGETHER HERE.
LOOK, WE'RE TRYING
TO GET OUTTA HERE.
WE'LL FIND A WAY...
MR. GORÉ, WHERE DOES
THIS AIR DUCT LEAD?
- I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T SPEND AS MUCH TIME
IN THIS TOMB AS I'D LIKE TO.
- YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
I BET A SMALL PERSON
COULD FIT THROUGH THERE.
- OH, I'LL DO IT, MR. KOTTER!
I AIN'T SCARED.
CALL ME MR. DANGER.
- OKAY, MR. DANGER, GO AHEAD.
- BE CAREFUL, ARNOLD.
- ALL RIGHT, BE CAREFUL.
- GO AHEAD, ARNOLD.
- ALL RIGHT, ARNOLD.
DON'T BEND YOUR
NOSE ON ANYTHING.
- MR. KOTTER, I WOULD NOT
TALK ABOUT NOSES IF I WAS YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD
FIT A FAMILY OF FOUR
COMFORTABLY IN YOUR NOSE,
WITH ROOM TO SPARE
FOR TWO DOGS...
A CAT... A MOTHER-IN-LAW...
- GET IN THERE!
- THE MORMON TABERNACLE CHOIR.
- GET IN THERE!
- OOOH, IT'S REAL DARK
IN HERE, MR. KOTTER.
I CAN'T SEE WHERE I'M GOING.
WHERE AM I GOING?
WAIT, I THINK I SEE...
YES, I SEE LIGHT!
LIGHT, MR. KOTTER!
OKAY, I AM CRAWLING
TOWARDS THE LIGHT.
IT'S GETTING BRIGHTER.
MR. KOTTER, I AM NEAR THE LIGHT.
I AM GONNA BACK UP.
- MR. KOTTER, YOU GOTTA HELP US.
WE'RE TRAPPED IN THERE!
NO, WE'RE NOT.
YES, WE ARE.
- I'M SO CON-FUSED!
WE'RE ALL DOOMED.
I MAY BE DOOMED, KOTTER,
BUT I'M TAKING YOUR
SWEATHOGS WITH ME!
- YOU'VE GOT A STRANGE
BUNCH HERE, KOTTER.
- LOOK, MR. GORÉ, YOU
BROUGHT NEW MEANING
TO THE WORD STRANGE.
- MISTER KOT-TAIRE, LOOK,
WE KNOW THE STUPID STUPIDITY
ABOUT THESE STUPID
SUPERSTITIONS IS... STUPID.
I MEAN, LIFE WOULD
REALLY BE A REAL DRAG
IF WE KNEW EVERYTHING, RIGHT?
- KNOWING EVERYTHING
IS NOT ONE OF THIS
GROUP'S MAJOR PROBLEMS.
LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU
GUYS JUST TO BLINDLY ACCEPT
WHATEVER COMES YOUR WAY IN LIFE.
I WANT YOU TO ASK QUESTIONS,
THINK BEFORE YOU BELIEVE.
- THAT'S ALL VERY WELL, KOTTER,
ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS AND
THINKING BEFORE YOU BELIEVE,
BUT THE FACT IS,
THE MUMMY'S GONNA GET
US IF WE DON'T GET OUT!
- HA, HA, HA, HA, HEH, HE.
HOWEVER, THERE IS ONE CHANCE.
THE MUMMY WON'T HARM US IF
WE OFFER HIM A HUMAN SACRIFICE.
- A HUMAN SACRIFICE?
- YES, A HUMAN SACRIFICE.
- HORSHACK... GET OVER HERE.
- SORRY, A HUMAN SACRIFICE
HAS TO BE PURE AND UNTOUCHED.
All: HORSHACK, GET OVER HERE!
- HEY, MR. KOTTER.
MR. KOTTER, COME HERE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE WHAT
YOU WAS JUST SAYIN'
ABOUT ASKING QUESTIONS
AND EVERYTHING...
WELL, I'VE BEEN
ASKING QUESTIONS.
I FIGURED OUT HOW TO
GET THIS DOOR OPEN, SEE.
YOU KNOW, LIKE I WATCH PEOPLE,
YOU KNOW, WHEN THEY'RE
BUILDING BUILDINGS.
I ASK THEM QUESTIONS,
AND THEY TELL ME THINGS
ABOUT THE STRESS AND
BALANCE... STUFF LIKE THAT.
ANYWAY, YA FIND THE
STRESS SPOTS ON THIS DOOR
AND WE'RE HOME FREE.
YEAH, YEAH, YOU GOT
IT. WATCH OUT. LOOK OUT.
- ALL RIGHT, WE'RE OUTTA HERE!
EVERYBODY, LET'S GO!
BACK ON THE BUS, SINGLE LINE.
WELL, MR. WOODMAN,
WHAT DO YOU THINK OF
MY SWEATHOGS NOW, HUH?
- WELL, YOU KNOW, KOTTER,
I WAS PRETTY CLOSE
TO DOOMED BACK THERE.
WHEN A MAN COMES
THAT CLOSE TO THE END,
HE THINKS ABOUT A LOT OF
THINGS, SO I CAME TO A CONCLUSION
ABOUT YOU AND YOUR
SWEATHOGS, KOTTER.
YOU'RE STILL NOT PEOPLE!
- OH, I WISH THAT
DOOR HADN'T OPENED.
I WAS SO LOOKING FORWARD
TO BECOMING A MUMMY.
KOTTER, WOODMAN WAS
RIGHT ABOUT YOUR SWEATHOGS.
THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE,
BUT THEN NEITHER AM I.
HEH, HEH, HEH, HEH.
- RITUAL, SUPERSTITION...
IT'S ALL NONSENSE.
UH-UH.
- GOTCHA!
- I KNEW IT WAS
YOU ALL THE TIME.
- YOU DID NOT!
- I KNEW IT WAS YOU!
I KNOW WHAT YOUR
HAND FEELS LIKE.
- YOU JUMPED, YOU JUMPED A MILE!
- WELL, WHERE'D YOU
LEAVE IT? WHERE IS IT?
- OH, THERE IT IS, HONEY.
- COME ON, LET'S GET IT.
COME ON. WE GOTTA TRAVEL.
- OKAY.
- DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO USED TO TRAVEL A LOT?
- WAS HE A SALESMAN?
- NO, HE JUST LIKED TO
GET AWAY FROM MY AUNT.
UH, NO, NO. HE WAS A SALESMAN.
THE THING IS, HE NEVER BOTHERED
TO MAKE HOTEL RESERVATIONS.
- WELL, HE MUST HAVE LOST
OUT ON A LOT OF ROOMS.
- NO, HE HAD THIS
TERRIFIC STRATEGY.
YOU SEE, IF HE'D GET TO A HOTEL
AND THEY SAY WELL, WE
DON'T HAVE ANY ROOMS,
HE'D SAY, WHAD'YA MEAN
YA DON'T HAVE ANY ROOMS?
SUPPOSE THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES
WAS TO CALL UP FOR A
ROOM, WOULD YA HAVE A ROOM
FOR THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES?
THE GUY WOULD SAY, WELL, I GUESS
IF THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES CALLED UP,
WE'D HAVE A ROOM.
HE'D SAY, WELL, I
JUST SPOKE TO HIM.
HE'S NOT COMING, SO
LET ME HAVE HIS ROOM.
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED ♪
♪ SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS
HAVE REMAINED ♪
♪ AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ AND WHO'D HAVE
THOUGHT THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE GOT
HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME
BACK WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASED HIM A LOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK WELCOME BACK ♪