Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 3 - Sweatside Story - full transcript
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE CECIL
WHO WAS A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN?
NO.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU
HAD AN UNCLE WHO WAS
A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN.
YES, I DO, NOW ONE
DAY HE'S ON THE ROAD
AND HE SEES THIS SPECK
IN HIS REAR-VIEW MIRROR.
IT'S COMING AT HIM
FASTER AND FASTER.
RIGHT, HE LOOKS AS IT GOES BY,
IT'S A GUY RUNNING.
CECIL TRIES TO
CATCH UP, HE GOES 60,
70 MILES AN HOUR, CAN'T
CATCH UP TO HIS GUY.
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER,
HE'S TURNING THE ROAD,
HE HEARS GROANING
FROM THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
OH... OH... HE LOOKS
AND IT'S THE SAME GUY.
HE SAYS, "WHAT HAPPENED,
HOW'D YOU GET HERE?"
THE GUY LOOKS UP AND
SAYS, "YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS
TO HAVE A BLOWOUT
IN YOUR SNEAKERS
AT 80 MILES AN HOUR?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
OKAY.
NOW, A CONSTITUTIONAL
AMENDMENT HAS TO BE RATIFIED
BY AT LEAST TWO...
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FIRE
DRILL, FIRE DRILL, ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY REMAIN COOL AND CALM.
NOT THAT CALM!
NOW LINE UP THERE,
SINGLE FILE, QUIETLY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON.
RIGHT YOU ARE, MR. KOTTER.
AT A TIME LIKE
THIS, WE SHOULD ALL
HAVE A COOL HEAD.
FIRE!
FIRE!
ARNOLD, PUT HIM
DOWN, LEAVE HIM ALONE.
ARNOLD, ARNOLD.
JUST A DRILL
ARNOLD, TAKE IT EASY.
EVERYBODY ELSE
OUTSIDE, JUST A DRILL.
GO TO YOUR ASSIGNED PLACES.
BUT MR. KOTTER,
WHEN THE BELL RINGS,
HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S A FIRE DRILL
AND NOT A REAL FIRE?
I GUESS WE DON'T.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
FIRE!
FIRE!
OH, NO! OH, MY GOODNESS, NO!
THAT'S THE THIRD
FIRE DRILL THIS WEEK.
HEY, I HAD ENOUGH
OF THESE DRY RUNS.
I THINK IT'S TIME THE
PLACE CAUGHT ON FIRE
SO WE CAN SEE HOW IT'S GONNA DO
UNDER REAL PRESSURE.
IT'S JUST A DRILL, I'M OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, KOTTER.
WHICH ONE OF YOU
SWEATHOGS TURNED IN
A FALSE ALARM?
MR. WOODMAN, HOW
CAN YOU BE SO SURE
IT WAS ONE OF MY KIDS?
YOU'RE RIGHT, KOTTER,
IT WAS UNFAIR OF ME.
COULD'VE BEEN YOU.
I REMEMBER WHEN
YOU WERE A SWEATHOG.
YOU PUT HOT FUDGE
IN THE INKWELLS.
I DIDN'T PUT THE HOT
FUDGE IN THE INKWELLS,
THAT WAS CRAZY DELANEY.
I RAN AROUND AFTERWARDS
AND SPRINKLED NUTS ON IT,
PUT I DIDN'T PUT IT...
AIN'T THAT THE KIND OF THING
THAT MAKES YOU PROUD OF HIM?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ALL RIGHT,
THE DRILL'S OVER, LET'S
GO INSIDE, COME ON.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
OKAY, EVERYBODY INSIDE.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE ALL OUT HERE,
LET ME, UH, CHECK YOUR LOCKERS.
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS HAS
ORDERED A LOCKER INSPECTION.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
ANYTHING I CAN FIND TO
NAIL YOUR SWEATHOGS.
MR. WOODMAN, WHAT IS THIS,
BE CRUEL TO SWEATHOG DAY?
KOTTER, EVERY DAY IS BE
CRUEL TO SWEATHOG DAY.
THIS IS MY LOCKER
AND WELCOME TO IT.
GOOD GRIEF!
WHAT IS THAT?
LOOKS LIKE AN ANTIQUE BANANA.
ARNOLD HOLDS ONTO
IT LONG ENOUGH,
IT MIGHT BE WORTH SOMETHING.
I COLLECT OLD FRUIT.
STRANGE BOY, KOTTER.
VERY STRANGE.
EPSTEIN.
HOLD IT.
YOU GOT A WARRANT?
I KNOW MY RIGHTS!
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
THOSE ARE THE NOTES
COVERING MY ABSENTEEISM
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
AND LOOK, YOU SPOILED
MY FILING SYSTEM.
ARTHRITIS... APPENDICITIS...
IS THIS YOUR LOCKER, BARBARINO?
WHAT?
THIS LOCKER, IS
THIS YOUR LOCKER?
WHERE?
WHAT, WHERE?
BARBARINO, THE ONLY
REASON YOU GOT A HEAD
IS TO SEPARATE YOUR EARS!
OOH!
SEPARATE?
I THINK WOODMAN JUST RANKED YOU.
WELL, CAN I RANK HIM BACK
WITHOUT GETTIN' IN TROUBLE,
CAN I DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
CAN HE DO THAT?
SURE.
I USED TO BE
PRETTY GOOD AT THIS.
GO AHEAD.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
CLAM BREATH.
HA-HA-HA!
AND I WON'T GET IN NO TROUBLE.
NO.
YOU MEAN IT?
SURE I MEAN IT, PEPPERONI PUSS!
WELL, LISTEN, YOU
SNOW-CAPPED LEPRECHAUN...
YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY
PLAYED DANNY BOY
ON YOUR FACE WITH AN UGLY STICK.
OOH!
VERY FUNNY, BARBARINO.
THAT'S SO FUNNY YOU
CAN STAY AFTER SCHOOL
FOR TWO WEEKS.
WAIT A SECOND.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU TOLD
HIM THAT IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
JUST COOL IT, BRILLO HEAD!
NOT DOIN' IT FOR THAT.
IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS.
WHAT IS THIS JACKET
WITH "SWEATHOGS" ON IT?
IT'S NOTHING, NOTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE.
GANGS WEAR JACKETS LIKE THIS.
YEAH, WELL, UH, THOSE
ARE OUR COLORS, YOU SEE,
AS GUYS, WE
FORMED A LITTLE CLUB.
YEAH, WELL, EXACTLY WHAT
KIND OF CLUB DID YOU FORM?
WELL, IT MUST BE
SOME TERRIFIC CLUB
BECAUSE SO DAR
THEY WON'T LET ME JOIN.
YOU JUST HAVEN'T
BEEN INITIATED YET.
NON-SCHOOL ORGANIZATIONS
ARE FORBIDDEN
ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.
NOW JACKETS MEAN
GANGS, GANGS MEAN FIGHTS,
AND FIGHTS MEAN BAD NEWS.
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS DOESN'T
LIKE BAD NEWS, KOTTER.
THE LAST TIME I
BROUGHT HIM BAD NEWS,
HE ATE MY TIE.
LOOK AT THIS,
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE!
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, FREDDIE?
OH, UH, MAN, I HAD SOME TROUBLE.
HEY, YOU OKAY?
HEY MAN, THOSE GUYS
OVER AT NEW UTRECHT
SAID I INVADED THEIR TURF.
DID YA?
NO, NOT EXACTLY.
ACTUALLY, I INVADED
PEARL JACKSON.
OH.
UNFORTUNATELY,
SHE HAPPENS TO LIVE
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THEIR TURF.
BUT Y'ALL DON'T WORRY.
OLD BOOM KNOWS HOW
TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.
SEE, MAN, I GOT
SURROUNDED BY THESE SEVEN
BIG BAD NEW UTRECHT
CATS, RIGHT MAN...
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A SECOND.
THERE WAS SEVEN OF 'EM?
EITHER THERE WAS SEVEN
OR TWO, I DON'T KNOW.
ANYWAY.
I LOOKED 'EM RIGHT IN THE EYE,
AND THEN I'LL SAY... "HI THERE."
THEY DON'T SAY NOTHIN'.
THEY JUST LOOK AT ME MEAN.
SO I HOLDS MY GROUND.
AND I LOOK THEM STRAIGHT
BACK IN THE EYE ONE MORE TIME
AND THEN I SAID TO
THEM... "BYE THERE."
EVERYBODY BACK IN CLASS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
DON'T YOU GUYS REALIZE
THAT IF YOU WALK AROUND
WITH JACKETS LIKE THIS, YOU'RE
JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE?
I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME.
SOONER OR LATER,
SOMEBODY'S REALLY
GONNA GET HURT.
YEAH.
ESPECIALLY ME.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY HIM.
♪
OH, POOR BABY.
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I'M JUST WORRIED.
OH, HONEY.
I WAS TALKING TO THE PLANT.
EDNA.
JULIE, WHY DO YOU GIVE ALL
THESE PLANTS GIRLS' NAMES FOR?
HOW DO KNOW THEY'RE
GIRLS, WHAT DO YOU DO,
PEEK UNDER THE LEAVES?
BESIDES, IT'S RIDICULOUS
FOR YOU TO KEEP ON
TALKING TO PLANTS ANYWAY.
WELL TONIGHT, EDNA'S A
LOT MORE FUN THAN YOU ARE.
I'M SORRY, HONEY, I'M JUST
WORRIED ABOUT THE KIDS.
I'M WORRIED.
OH.
EXCUSE ME, EDNA.
OKAY.
WHAT'S THE BIG CRISIS THIS TIME?
YOU HAVE TO HELP HORSHACK
BREAK IN A NEW LUNCH BOX?
IT'S EVEN MORE
SERIOUS THAN THAT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO, I GOT A PROBLEM,
JULIE, THE KIDS
HAVE FORMED A GANG.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I MEAN, I THINK THERE'S
GONNA BE A RUMBLE.
A RUMBLE?
WHAT'S A RUMBLE?
OH, I FORGOT.
YOU'RE FROM NEBRASKA.
IN NEBRASKA, A RUMBLE
IS WHEN YOUR COW
HAS A GAS ATTACK.
A RUMBLE IS A FIGHT.
PEOPLE HIT EACH OTHER.
PERSON COULD DEVELOP A COMA.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL,
THERE WAS THIS GUY I KNEW.
BONZO MARETTI.
BONZO LOVED TO RUMBLE.
HE WOULD FIGHT
ANYBODY, ANYTHING.
BUSES, BUILDINGS.
SMALL TOWNS.
ONE YEAR, FOR SUMMER
VACATION, HE BEAT UP EVERYBODY
IN UTAH.
I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE
RUMBLING AT THE DOOR.
- ARNOLD...
- WILL YOU SAY I INSPIRE FEAR?
ARNOLD.
I GATHER YOU'RE
JOINING THE GANG, TOO?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE, ARNOLD,
TO BE IN A RUMBLE?
SO?
WHAT'S A RUMBLE LIKE?
I WANT YOU TO PICTURE
A GAME OF HOCKEY.
BIG GUYS.
WITH NO TEETH.
BIG STICKS, AND YOU'RE THE PUCK.
MR. KOTTER, I WANT TO BE A PUNK,
NOT A PUCK.
GOOD-BYE, MR. KOTTER.
MRS. KOTTER.
I KNOW, I KNOW!
SUCH A PITY!
A YOUNG MAN LIKE ME
CUT DOWN IN HIS PRIME!
DO YOU KNOW THAT I JUST
GOT MY FIRST CHEST HAIR?
IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE IT,
I'LL GO HOME AND GET IT.
MR. KOTTER.
BEFORE I GO TO THE... RUMBLE,
THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING I'D LIKE YOU
TO DO FOR ME.
WHAT'S THAT, ARN?
STOP ME FROM GOING!
ARNOLD.
NOW THAT YOU'VE
GREASED MY SHIRT,
WOULD YOU MIND OILING MY SHOES?
♪
SOON AS WE INITIATE HORSHACK
HE'LL GO OFF IN FRONT OF US,
THEN NEW UTRECHT TURKEY.
HOW ARE WE GONNA INITIATE HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, HOW
DID WE INITIATE YOU?
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOBODY INITIATED ME, REMEMBER?
I'M VINNIE BARBARINO.
I STARTED THE GANG, REMEMBER?
AND WHEN YOU START A GANG,
YOU GOT TO INITIATE YOURSELF.
WHICH I DID, AND IT
WAS VERY PAINFUL.
YO, WHAT DO YOU GOTTA
DO TO INITIATE YOURSELF?
OH, IT WAS AWFUL, REALLY.
FOR A WHOLE WEEK SOLID,
EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL,
I'D LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM,
AND WATCH RERUNS
OF "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND."
OH, WOW.
VINNIE.
I HAD NO IDEA.
HOW ABOUT YOU, FREDDIE,
HOW'D YOU GET INITIATED?
OH, I DIDN'T.
I JOINED ON VINNIE'S SPECIAL
MINORITY MEMBERSHIP PLAN.
GREAT, WE GOT A GREAT GANG.
EPSTEIN, WHAT ARE
YOU COMPLAININ' ABOUT?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO GET INITIATED.
YEAH, THAT'S 'CAUSE
I GOT A NOTE HERE.
LET ME READ THIS...
YOU GOTTA SEE THIS ONE.
"DEAR PUNK...
PLEASE EXCUSE JUAN
FROM HIS GANG INITIATION
BECAUSE OF AN INNER EAR PROBLEM.
HE HATES TO HEAR HIMSELF SCREAM.
SIGNED, EPSTEIN'S MOTHER."
STUPID, STUPID.
HEY LOOK, I GOT A GREAT
IDEA FOR THE INITIATION.
WHY DON'T WE STICK
HORSHACK'S HEAD
IN MY GYM LOCKER FOR
ABOUT THREE MINUTES?
WE WANT TO INITIATE
HIM, NOT KILL HIM.
HELLO, FELLOW DELINQUENTS.
ALL RIGHT, HORSHACK, YOU
READY FOR YOUR INITIATION?
HUH?
YEAH, YOU READY TO BECOME A MAN?
OR SOMETHING CLOSE.
HEY, START.
START!
I STARTED, I ALREADY STARTED.
I JUST GOTTA GET MY
THOUGHTS DERANGED.
HORSHACK, OVER HERE!
FREDERICK, GIVE ME SOME WATER.
HORSHACK, GENUFLECT!
GENE... WHO?
I WAS GONNA BAPTIZE HIM.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I
COULD THINK OF, ALL RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, BEING
CATHOLIC AND ALL.
HORSHACK.
YOU LOOK LIKE A VASELINE FACTORY
BLEW UP ON YOU.
LISTEN, VINNIE, IF YOU
GOTTA HAVE AN INITIATION,
WHY DON'T YOU
INITIATE US ALL AT ONCE?
WHAT YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT "ALL OF US"?
I BROUGHT SOME RECRUITS.
SO SIT DOWN, COME ON, SIT DOWN.
RECRUITS?
IS THIS A JOKE,
THERE'S RECRUITS?
I DO NOT SEE YOU SITTING!
I'M SITTING.
OKAY!
SWEATHOGS!
YEAH!
WE CAME TO JOIN THE GANG, TOO.
WE CAN HELP YOU GUYS
BREAK SOME HEADS.
BREAK SOME HEADS,
WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?
I WOULDN'T DO NOTHIN' TO
MAR THIS NATURAL BEAUTY.
MR. KOTTER, WE WERE JUST
GONNA THROW THE SCARE
ON THOSE NEW UTRECHT
GUYS ON ACCOUNT
OF WHAT THEY DID
TO FREDDIE HERE.
- YEAH.
- WHAT YOU BRING WOODMAN FOR?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THAT'S RIGHT, KOTTER,
WHAT DID YOU BRING ME FOR?
- OH, GOOD OLD ACE OVER HERE?
- YEAH.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE
THAT'S GOT THE KEY
TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
LET 'EM KNOCK EACH
OTHER'S BRAINS LOOSE, POW!
EASY, ACE.
I'M GETTIN' THE PICTURE,
THEY ALL DRESS UP LIKE THIS.
YOU TRYING TO STOP
US, WE AIN'T GONNA...
HEY, NO!
WE AIN'T TRYIN' TO STOP YOU!
I JUST REMEMBERED
WHAT A RUMBLE WAS LIKE
WHEN I WAS SCHOOL,
HOW EXCITING IT WAS!
I FIGURED I COULD GIVE
YOU GUYS A FEW POINTERS!
ALL RIGHT? NOW, WHO'S THE
FIRST GUY THAT'S GOT THE CHAINS?
CHAINS, NO, NO, DON'T
GOT NO CHAINS ON ME!
NO CHAINS, NO CHAINS?
HOW ABOUT SOME BRASS KNUCKLES?
STICKS, YOU GOT STICKS?
STICKS, YOU TALKIN'
BIG TIME NOW.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU GUYS.
WHAT DID YOU COME
HERE, GO TO A RUMBLE
OR GO TO A DANCE?
DANCE, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WE'LL GO RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?
OH.
LOOKS LIKE WE DON'T
HAVE TO GO TO THE DANCE.
HERE'S THE
ENTERTAINMENT COMMITTEE.
I DIDN'T THINK THEY
WAS GONNA SHOW UP.
ALL RIGHT.
WHO'S THE LEADER HERE?
UH...
WE HEARD YOU ALL
SWEATHOGS WAS LOOKIN' FOR US.
SO, UH, WE THOUGHT
WE'D MAKE OURSELVES
EASY TO FIND.
YOU GOT A DISEASE?
WERE YOU LOOKIN' FOR US?
WHAT?
WAS YOU... LOOKING... FOR US?
WHERE?
I THOUGHT WE WAS REMEDIAL.
HEY.
ENOUGH OF THIS LIP SERVICE HERE.
I CAME HERE FOR SOME ACTION!
WHO'S THE FIRST GUY WHO
WANTS TO LOSE CONTROL
OF HIS FACE?
WILL YOU COOL IT?
WHO IS THIS GUY?
HE'S OUR TEACHER.
YOUR TEACHER?
THIS A TOUGH SCHOOL.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
NO, WAIT!
ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU CAN START.
I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH
HIM DISMEMBER PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE OLDEST
PUNK I EVER SAW.
YOU A SENIOR?
I'M THE VICE PRINCIPAL!
VICE PRINCIPAL?
THIS IS A TOUGH SCHOOL.
HEY, WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?
I'M NOT GONNA MESS
WITH NO VICE PRINCIPAL!
ARE YA TURKEY OR YA LUCKY?
JUST BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO MESS WITH HORSHACK.
WE CALL HIM THE WIDOW MAKER.
HE'S ALREADY GOT SIX
NOTCHES ON HIS LUNCH BOX.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE NUMBER SEVEN?
HOLD ME BACK. LET ME AT HIM!
QUORUM, PLEASE.
THERE'S NO NEED TO
GET ALL WORKED UP HERE.
BREATHE DEEP, BREATHE DEEP.
RELAX.
I'M SURE THAT WE
CAN ALL WORK OUT
OUR LITTLE DIFFICULTIES HERE.
NO PROBLEM.
WE'LL TALK.
TOMORROW.
CALL MY SERVANTS.
WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.
HE'S THE VICE PRINCIPAL?
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE A TEACHER.
YOU GOT IT.
WHAT DO YOU TEACH?
HOME ECONOMICS.
THIS IS A TOUGH SCHOOL.
ALL RIGHT!
WELL, WHO YA LOOKIN' FOR?
YOU LOOKIN' FOR ME?
WELL, HERE I AM,
VINNIE BARBARINO!
HEY, CARVELLI.
YOUR MOTHER. YOUR MOTHER...
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, VINNIE.
STOP IT.
I GOT 'EM GOOD.
LOOK.
I CAME HERE WITH MR. WOODMAN
AND I CONVINCED HIM
TO DRESS THIS WAY
BECAUSE WE WANTED TO MAKE
SURE NOBODY WOULD GET HURT.
I TOLD YA, NOBODY WAS
GONNA GET HURT, MR. KOTTER,
WE WAS JUST GONNA THROW
A SCARE INTO THOSE GUYS...
THAT'S HOW IT STARTS,
JUAN, YOU TRY TO SCARE THEM
THEN THEY SCARE YOU
THEN YOU PUSH THEM
AND THEY SHOVE YOU.
YOU DO SOMETHING BAD TO THEM
AND THEY TRY TO DO SOMETHING
WORSE TO YOU.
THAT'S THE WAY WARS GET STARTED.
IT'S THE SAME THING
WITH COUNTRIES.
HEAD OF ONE COUNTRY SAYS TO
THE HEAD OF ANOTHER COUNTRY,
"OFF MY CASE, TANK FACE."
HE WISE BACK, "UP YOUR
NOSE, WITH TOKYO ROSE."
ONE WEEK LATER, JOHN
WAYNE IS STORMING IWO JIMA.
WELL, I DON'T WANT NO
PART OF NOTHING LIKE THAT.
YEAH, ME NEITHER.
HEY, MR. KOTTER.
DOES THIS MEAN I DON'T
GOT TO BE TOUGH NO MORE?
THAT'S RIGHT, ARNOLD.
COME ON, WE'VE
ALL HAD A LONG DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, UH...
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE ALL SLIDE HOME?
♪
HI, HONEY.
HI, HONEY.
THANKS FOR BRINGING ME LUNCH.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
I MADE YOU A SANDWICH OF
MY FAMOUS TUNA CASSEROLE!
WELL GO AHEAD, DIG IN.
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE HARRY KOTTER?
NO.
HARRY WAS A SOFT TOUCH.
ANYBODY COULD SELL HIM ANYTHING.
TALKED LIKE THIS,
"HELLO, I'M HARRY KOTTER,
I'M A NICE GUY, ANYBODY
CAN SELL ME ANYTHING."
ONE TIME, HE WENT TO BUY A SUIT.
TRIED THE JACKET ON,
AND ONE OF THE SLEEVES
IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER.
SAID TO THE SALESMAN,
"HEY, MISTER, THIS SLEEVE
IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER
ONE, HOW CAN I REALLY...
THE SLEEVE IS LONG."
THE GUY SAID, "LOOK, JUST
HOLD YOUR ARM LIKE THIS,
AND IT'S FINE."
THEN HE TRIES ON THE PANTS.
HE NOTICES T HAT ONE LEG
IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER.
"MISTER, THIS LEG IS
LONGER THAN THE OTHER ONE,
I COULDN'T WALK DOWN
THE STREET WITH A LEG
LONGER THAN THE OTHER ONE."
HE SAID, "JUST HOLD
YOUR LEG OUT LIKE THAT."
SELLS HIM THE SUIT, HARRY
WALKS OUT OF THE STORE,
THESE TWO GUYS NOTICE HIM
WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
ONE SAYS TO THE
OTHER, "OH, MY GOD,
LOOK AT THAT UNFORTUNATE
FELLOW OVER THERE."
OTHER GUY SAYS,
"YEAH, THAT'S A SHAME.
LOOK HOW NICE HIS SUIT FITS."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE CECIL
WHO WAS A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN?
NO.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT YOU
HAD AN UNCLE WHO WAS
A HIGHWAY PATROLMAN.
YES, I DO, NOW ONE
DAY HE'S ON THE ROAD
AND HE SEES THIS SPECK
IN HIS REAR-VIEW MIRROR.
IT'S COMING AT HIM
FASTER AND FASTER.
RIGHT, HE LOOKS AS IT GOES BY,
IT'S A GUY RUNNING.
CECIL TRIES TO
CATCH UP, HE GOES 60,
70 MILES AN HOUR, CAN'T
CATCH UP TO HIS GUY.
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES LATER,
HE'S TURNING THE ROAD,
HE HEARS GROANING
FROM THE SIDE OF THE ROAD.
OH... OH... HE LOOKS
AND IT'S THE SAME GUY.
HE SAYS, "WHAT HAPPENED,
HOW'D YOU GET HERE?"
THE GUY LOOKS UP AND
SAYS, "YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS
TO HAVE A BLOWOUT
IN YOUR SNEAKERS
AT 80 MILES AN HOUR?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
OKAY.
NOW, A CONSTITUTIONAL
AMENDMENT HAS TO BE RATIFIED
BY AT LEAST TWO...
ALL RIGHT, IT'S A FIRE
DRILL, FIRE DRILL, ALL RIGHT,
EVERYBODY REMAIN COOL AND CALM.
NOT THAT CALM!
NOW LINE UP THERE,
SINGLE FILE, QUIETLY.
COME ON, LET'S GO.
COME ON.
RIGHT YOU ARE, MR. KOTTER.
AT A TIME LIKE
THIS, WE SHOULD ALL
HAVE A COOL HEAD.
FIRE!
FIRE!
ARNOLD, PUT HIM
DOWN, LEAVE HIM ALONE.
ARNOLD, ARNOLD.
JUST A DRILL
ARNOLD, TAKE IT EASY.
EVERYBODY ELSE
OUTSIDE, JUST A DRILL.
GO TO YOUR ASSIGNED PLACES.
BUT MR. KOTTER,
WHEN THE BELL RINGS,
HOW DO WE KNOW IT'S A FIRE DRILL
AND NOT A REAL FIRE?
I GUESS WE DON'T.
THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.
FIRE!
FIRE!
OH, NO! OH, MY GOODNESS, NO!
THAT'S THE THIRD
FIRE DRILL THIS WEEK.
HEY, I HAD ENOUGH
OF THESE DRY RUNS.
I THINK IT'S TIME THE
PLACE CAUGHT ON FIRE
SO WE CAN SEE HOW IT'S GONNA DO
UNDER REAL PRESSURE.
IT'S JUST A DRILL, I'M OKAY.
ALL RIGHT, KOTTER.
WHICH ONE OF YOU
SWEATHOGS TURNED IN
A FALSE ALARM?
MR. WOODMAN, HOW
CAN YOU BE SO SURE
IT WAS ONE OF MY KIDS?
YOU'RE RIGHT, KOTTER,
IT WAS UNFAIR OF ME.
COULD'VE BEEN YOU.
I REMEMBER WHEN
YOU WERE A SWEATHOG.
YOU PUT HOT FUDGE
IN THE INKWELLS.
I DIDN'T PUT THE HOT
FUDGE IN THE INKWELLS,
THAT WAS CRAZY DELANEY.
I RAN AROUND AFTERWARDS
AND SPRINKLED NUTS ON IT,
PUT I DIDN'T PUT IT...
AIN'T THAT THE KIND OF THING
THAT MAKES YOU PROUD OF HIM?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, ALL RIGHT,
THE DRILL'S OVER, LET'S
GO INSIDE, COME ON.
COME ON, EVERYBODY.
OKAY, EVERYBODY INSIDE.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
AS LONG AS YOU'RE ALL OUT HERE,
LET ME, UH, CHECK YOUR LOCKERS.
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS HAS
ORDERED A LOCKER INSPECTION.
WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?
ANYTHING I CAN FIND TO
NAIL YOUR SWEATHOGS.
MR. WOODMAN, WHAT IS THIS,
BE CRUEL TO SWEATHOG DAY?
KOTTER, EVERY DAY IS BE
CRUEL TO SWEATHOG DAY.
THIS IS MY LOCKER
AND WELCOME TO IT.
GOOD GRIEF!
WHAT IS THAT?
LOOKS LIKE AN ANTIQUE BANANA.
ARNOLD HOLDS ONTO
IT LONG ENOUGH,
IT MIGHT BE WORTH SOMETHING.
I COLLECT OLD FRUIT.
STRANGE BOY, KOTTER.
VERY STRANGE.
EPSTEIN.
HOLD IT.
YOU GOT A WARRANT?
I KNOW MY RIGHTS!
WHAT'S ALL THIS?
THOSE ARE THE NOTES
COVERING MY ABSENTEEISM
FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!
AND LOOK, YOU SPOILED
MY FILING SYSTEM.
ARTHRITIS... APPENDICITIS...
IS THIS YOUR LOCKER, BARBARINO?
WHAT?
THIS LOCKER, IS
THIS YOUR LOCKER?
WHERE?
WHAT, WHERE?
BARBARINO, THE ONLY
REASON YOU GOT A HEAD
IS TO SEPARATE YOUR EARS!
OOH!
SEPARATE?
I THINK WOODMAN JUST RANKED YOU.
WELL, CAN I RANK HIM BACK
WITHOUT GETTIN' IN TROUBLE,
CAN I DO THAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
CAN HE DO THAT?
SURE.
I USED TO BE
PRETTY GOOD AT THIS.
GO AHEAD.
GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.
CLAM BREATH.
HA-HA-HA!
AND I WON'T GET IN NO TROUBLE.
NO.
YOU MEAN IT?
SURE I MEAN IT, PEPPERONI PUSS!
WELL, LISTEN, YOU
SNOW-CAPPED LEPRECHAUN...
YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEBODY
PLAYED DANNY BOY
ON YOUR FACE WITH AN UGLY STICK.
OOH!
VERY FUNNY, BARBARINO.
THAT'S SO FUNNY YOU
CAN STAY AFTER SCHOOL
FOR TWO WEEKS.
WAIT A SECOND.
MR. WOODMAN, YOU TOLD
HIM THAT IT WAS ALL RIGHT.
JUST COOL IT, BRILLO HEAD!
NOT DOIN' IT FOR THAT.
IT'S BECAUSE OF THIS.
WHAT IS THIS JACKET
WITH "SWEATHOGS" ON IT?
IT'S NOTHING, NOTHING.
WAIT A MINUTE.
GANGS WEAR JACKETS LIKE THIS.
YEAH, WELL, UH, THOSE
ARE OUR COLORS, YOU SEE,
AS GUYS, WE
FORMED A LITTLE CLUB.
YEAH, WELL, EXACTLY WHAT
KIND OF CLUB DID YOU FORM?
WELL, IT MUST BE
SOME TERRIFIC CLUB
BECAUSE SO DAR
THEY WON'T LET ME JOIN.
YOU JUST HAVEN'T
BEEN INITIATED YET.
NON-SCHOOL ORGANIZATIONS
ARE FORBIDDEN
ON SCHOOL GROUNDS.
NOW JACKETS MEAN
GANGS, GANGS MEAN FIGHTS,
AND FIGHTS MEAN BAD NEWS.
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS DOESN'T
LIKE BAD NEWS, KOTTER.
THE LAST TIME I
BROUGHT HIM BAD NEWS,
HE ATE MY TIE.
LOOK AT THIS,
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.
THEY'RE NOT PEOPLE!
WHAT'S WITH HIM?
WHERE'VE YOU BEEN, FREDDIE?
OH, UH, MAN, I HAD SOME TROUBLE.
HEY, YOU OKAY?
HEY MAN, THOSE GUYS
OVER AT NEW UTRECHT
SAID I INVADED THEIR TURF.
DID YA?
NO, NOT EXACTLY.
ACTUALLY, I INVADED
PEARL JACKSON.
OH.
UNFORTUNATELY,
SHE HAPPENS TO LIVE
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THEIR TURF.
BUT Y'ALL DON'T WORRY.
OLD BOOM KNOWS HOW
TO TAKE CARE OF HIMSELF.
SEE, MAN, I GOT
SURROUNDED BY THESE SEVEN
BIG BAD NEW UTRECHT
CATS, RIGHT MAN...
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A SECOND.
THERE WAS SEVEN OF 'EM?
EITHER THERE WAS SEVEN
OR TWO, I DON'T KNOW.
ANYWAY.
I LOOKED 'EM RIGHT IN THE EYE,
AND THEN I'LL SAY... "HI THERE."
THEY DON'T SAY NOTHIN'.
THEY JUST LOOK AT ME MEAN.
SO I HOLDS MY GROUND.
AND I LOOK THEM STRAIGHT
BACK IN THE EYE ONE MORE TIME
AND THEN I SAID TO
THEM... "BYE THERE."
EVERYBODY BACK IN CLASS.
SO WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT IT?
DON'T YOU GUYS REALIZE
THAT IF YOU WALK AROUND
WITH JACKETS LIKE THIS, YOU'RE
JUST ASKING FOR TROUBLE?
I WANT YOU TO LISTEN TO ME.
SOONER OR LATER,
SOMEBODY'S REALLY
GONNA GET HURT.
YEAH.
ESPECIALLY ME.
YEAH, ESPECIALLY HIM.
♪
OH, POOR BABY.
YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
I'M JUST WORRIED.
OH, HONEY.
I WAS TALKING TO THE PLANT.
EDNA.
JULIE, WHY DO YOU GIVE ALL
THESE PLANTS GIRLS' NAMES FOR?
HOW DO KNOW THEY'RE
GIRLS, WHAT DO YOU DO,
PEEK UNDER THE LEAVES?
BESIDES, IT'S RIDICULOUS
FOR YOU TO KEEP ON
TALKING TO PLANTS ANYWAY.
WELL TONIGHT, EDNA'S A
LOT MORE FUN THAN YOU ARE.
I'M SORRY, HONEY, I'M JUST
WORRIED ABOUT THE KIDS.
I'M WORRIED.
OH.
EXCUSE ME, EDNA.
OKAY.
WHAT'S THE BIG CRISIS THIS TIME?
YOU HAVE TO HELP HORSHACK
BREAK IN A NEW LUNCH BOX?
IT'S EVEN MORE
SERIOUS THAN THAT.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
NO, I GOT A PROBLEM,
JULIE, THE KIDS
HAVE FORMED A GANG.
AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I MEAN, I THINK THERE'S
GONNA BE A RUMBLE.
A RUMBLE?
WHAT'S A RUMBLE?
OH, I FORGOT.
YOU'RE FROM NEBRASKA.
IN NEBRASKA, A RUMBLE
IS WHEN YOUR COW
HAS A GAS ATTACK.
A RUMBLE IS A FIGHT.
PEOPLE HIT EACH OTHER.
PERSON COULD DEVELOP A COMA.
I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS IN SCHOOL,
THERE WAS THIS GUY I KNEW.
BONZO MARETTI.
BONZO LOVED TO RUMBLE.
HE WOULD FIGHT
ANYBODY, ANYTHING.
BUSES, BUILDINGS.
SMALL TOWNS.
ONE YEAR, FOR SUMMER
VACATION, HE BEAT UP EVERYBODY
IN UTAH.
I THINK THERE'S SOMEONE
RUMBLING AT THE DOOR.
- ARNOLD...
- WILL YOU SAY I INSPIRE FEAR?
ARNOLD.
I GATHER YOU'RE
JOINING THE GANG, TOO?
DO YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE, ARNOLD,
TO BE IN A RUMBLE?
SO?
WHAT'S A RUMBLE LIKE?
I WANT YOU TO PICTURE
A GAME OF HOCKEY.
BIG GUYS.
WITH NO TEETH.
BIG STICKS, AND YOU'RE THE PUCK.
MR. KOTTER, I WANT TO BE A PUNK,
NOT A PUCK.
GOOD-BYE, MR. KOTTER.
MRS. KOTTER.
I KNOW, I KNOW!
SUCH A PITY!
A YOUNG MAN LIKE ME
CUT DOWN IN HIS PRIME!
DO YOU KNOW THAT I JUST
GOT MY FIRST CHEST HAIR?
IF YOU'D LIKE TO SEE IT,
I'LL GO HOME AND GET IT.
MR. KOTTER.
BEFORE I GO TO THE... RUMBLE,
THERE'S ONLY ONE
THING I'D LIKE YOU
TO DO FOR ME.
WHAT'S THAT, ARN?
STOP ME FROM GOING!
ARNOLD.
NOW THAT YOU'VE
GREASED MY SHIRT,
WOULD YOU MIND OILING MY SHOES?
♪
SOON AS WE INITIATE HORSHACK
HE'LL GO OFF IN FRONT OF US,
THEN NEW UTRECHT TURKEY.
HOW ARE WE GONNA INITIATE HIM?
I DON'T KNOW, HOW
DID WE INITIATE YOU?
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOBODY INITIATED ME, REMEMBER?
I'M VINNIE BARBARINO.
I STARTED THE GANG, REMEMBER?
AND WHEN YOU START A GANG,
YOU GOT TO INITIATE YOURSELF.
WHICH I DID, AND IT
WAS VERY PAINFUL.
YO, WHAT DO YOU GOTTA
DO TO INITIATE YOURSELF?
OH, IT WAS AWFUL, REALLY.
FOR A WHOLE WEEK SOLID,
EVERY DAY AFTER SCHOOL,
I'D LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM,
AND WATCH RERUNS
OF "GILLIGAN'S ISLAND."
OH, WOW.
VINNIE.
I HAD NO IDEA.
HOW ABOUT YOU, FREDDIE,
HOW'D YOU GET INITIATED?
OH, I DIDN'T.
I JOINED ON VINNIE'S SPECIAL
MINORITY MEMBERSHIP PLAN.
GREAT, WE GOT A GREAT GANG.
EPSTEIN, WHAT ARE
YOU COMPLAININ' ABOUT?
YOU DIDN'T HAVE
TO GET INITIATED.
YEAH, THAT'S 'CAUSE
I GOT A NOTE HERE.
LET ME READ THIS...
YOU GOTTA SEE THIS ONE.
"DEAR PUNK...
PLEASE EXCUSE JUAN
FROM HIS GANG INITIATION
BECAUSE OF AN INNER EAR PROBLEM.
HE HATES TO HEAR HIMSELF SCREAM.
SIGNED, EPSTEIN'S MOTHER."
STUPID, STUPID.
HEY LOOK, I GOT A GREAT
IDEA FOR THE INITIATION.
WHY DON'T WE STICK
HORSHACK'S HEAD
IN MY GYM LOCKER FOR
ABOUT THREE MINUTES?
WE WANT TO INITIATE
HIM, NOT KILL HIM.
HELLO, FELLOW DELINQUENTS.
ALL RIGHT, HORSHACK, YOU
READY FOR YOUR INITIATION?
HUH?
YEAH, YOU READY TO BECOME A MAN?
OR SOMETHING CLOSE.
HEY, START.
START!
I STARTED, I ALREADY STARTED.
I JUST GOTTA GET MY
THOUGHTS DERANGED.
HORSHACK, OVER HERE!
FREDERICK, GIVE ME SOME WATER.
HORSHACK, GENUFLECT!
GENE... WHO?
I WAS GONNA BAPTIZE HIM.
IT'S THE ONLY THING I
COULD THINK OF, ALL RIGHT?
YOU KNOW, BEING
CATHOLIC AND ALL.
HORSHACK.
YOU LOOK LIKE A VASELINE FACTORY
BLEW UP ON YOU.
LISTEN, VINNIE, IF YOU
GOTTA HAVE AN INITIATION,
WHY DON'T YOU
INITIATE US ALL AT ONCE?
WHAT YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT "ALL OF US"?
I BROUGHT SOME RECRUITS.
SO SIT DOWN, COME ON, SIT DOWN.
RECRUITS?
IS THIS A JOKE,
THERE'S RECRUITS?
I DO NOT SEE YOU SITTING!
I'M SITTING.
OKAY!
SWEATHOGS!
YEAH!
WE CAME TO JOIN THE GANG, TOO.
WE CAN HELP YOU GUYS
BREAK SOME HEADS.
BREAK SOME HEADS,
WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?
I WOULDN'T DO NOTHIN' TO
MAR THIS NATURAL BEAUTY.
MR. KOTTER, WE WERE JUST
GONNA THROW THE SCARE
ON THOSE NEW UTRECHT
GUYS ON ACCOUNT
OF WHAT THEY DID
TO FREDDIE HERE.
- YEAH.
- WHAT YOU BRING WOODMAN FOR?
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
THAT'S RIGHT, KOTTER,
WHAT DID YOU BRING ME FOR?
- OH, GOOD OLD ACE OVER HERE?
- YEAH.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE
THAT'S GOT THE KEY
TO THE NURSE'S OFFICE.
WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?
LET 'EM KNOCK EACH
OTHER'S BRAINS LOOSE, POW!
EASY, ACE.
I'M GETTIN' THE PICTURE,
THEY ALL DRESS UP LIKE THIS.
YOU TRYING TO STOP
US, WE AIN'T GONNA...
HEY, NO!
WE AIN'T TRYIN' TO STOP YOU!
I JUST REMEMBERED
WHAT A RUMBLE WAS LIKE
WHEN I WAS SCHOOL,
HOW EXCITING IT WAS!
I FIGURED I COULD GIVE
YOU GUYS A FEW POINTERS!
ALL RIGHT? NOW, WHO'S THE
FIRST GUY THAT'S GOT THE CHAINS?
CHAINS, NO, NO, DON'T
GOT NO CHAINS ON ME!
NO CHAINS, NO CHAINS?
HOW ABOUT SOME BRASS KNUCKLES?
STICKS, YOU GOT STICKS?
STICKS, YOU TALKIN'
BIG TIME NOW.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU GUYS.
WHAT DID YOU COME
HERE, GO TO A RUMBLE
OR GO TO A DANCE?
DANCE, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
WE'LL GO RIGHT NOW, ALL RIGHT?
OH.
LOOKS LIKE WE DON'T
HAVE TO GO TO THE DANCE.
HERE'S THE
ENTERTAINMENT COMMITTEE.
I DIDN'T THINK THEY
WAS GONNA SHOW UP.
ALL RIGHT.
WHO'S THE LEADER HERE?
UH...
WE HEARD YOU ALL
SWEATHOGS WAS LOOKIN' FOR US.
SO, UH, WE THOUGHT
WE'D MAKE OURSELVES
EASY TO FIND.
YOU GOT A DISEASE?
WERE YOU LOOKIN' FOR US?
WHAT?
WAS YOU... LOOKING... FOR US?
WHERE?
I THOUGHT WE WAS REMEDIAL.
HEY.
ENOUGH OF THIS LIP SERVICE HERE.
I CAME HERE FOR SOME ACTION!
WHO'S THE FIRST GUY WHO
WANTS TO LOSE CONTROL
OF HIS FACE?
WILL YOU COOL IT?
WHO IS THIS GUY?
HE'S OUR TEACHER.
YOUR TEACHER?
THIS A TOUGH SCHOOL.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
NO, WAIT!
ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU CAN START.
I DON'T LIKE TO WATCH
HIM DISMEMBER PEOPLE.
THAT'S THE OLDEST
PUNK I EVER SAW.
YOU A SENIOR?
I'M THE VICE PRINCIPAL!
VICE PRINCIPAL?
THIS IS A TOUGH SCHOOL.
HEY, WHAT, ARE YOU NUTS?
I'M NOT GONNA MESS
WITH NO VICE PRINCIPAL!
ARE YA TURKEY OR YA LUCKY?
JUST BE GLAD YOU DIDN'T
HAVE TO MESS WITH HORSHACK.
WE CALL HIM THE WIDOW MAKER.
HE'S ALREADY GOT SIX
NOTCHES ON HIS LUNCH BOX.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE TO BE NUMBER SEVEN?
HOLD ME BACK. LET ME AT HIM!
QUORUM, PLEASE.
THERE'S NO NEED TO
GET ALL WORKED UP HERE.
BREATHE DEEP, BREATHE DEEP.
RELAX.
I'M SURE THAT WE
CAN ALL WORK OUT
OUR LITTLE DIFFICULTIES HERE.
NO PROBLEM.
WE'LL TALK.
TOMORROW.
CALL MY SERVANTS.
WE'LL HAVE LUNCH.
HE'S THE VICE PRINCIPAL?
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE A TEACHER.
YOU GOT IT.
WHAT DO YOU TEACH?
HOME ECONOMICS.
THIS IS A TOUGH SCHOOL.
ALL RIGHT!
WELL, WHO YA LOOKIN' FOR?
YOU LOOKIN' FOR ME?
WELL, HERE I AM,
VINNIE BARBARINO!
HEY, CARVELLI.
YOUR MOTHER. YOUR MOTHER...
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, VINNIE.
STOP IT.
I GOT 'EM GOOD.
LOOK.
I CAME HERE WITH MR. WOODMAN
AND I CONVINCED HIM
TO DRESS THIS WAY
BECAUSE WE WANTED TO MAKE
SURE NOBODY WOULD GET HURT.
I TOLD YA, NOBODY WAS
GONNA GET HURT, MR. KOTTER,
WE WAS JUST GONNA THROW
A SCARE INTO THOSE GUYS...
THAT'S HOW IT STARTS,
JUAN, YOU TRY TO SCARE THEM
THEN THEY SCARE YOU
THEN YOU PUSH THEM
AND THEY SHOVE YOU.
YOU DO SOMETHING BAD TO THEM
AND THEY TRY TO DO SOMETHING
WORSE TO YOU.
THAT'S THE WAY WARS GET STARTED.
IT'S THE SAME THING
WITH COUNTRIES.
HEAD OF ONE COUNTRY SAYS TO
THE HEAD OF ANOTHER COUNTRY,
"OFF MY CASE, TANK FACE."
HE WISE BACK, "UP YOUR
NOSE, WITH TOKYO ROSE."
ONE WEEK LATER, JOHN
WAYNE IS STORMING IWO JIMA.
WELL, I DON'T WANT NO
PART OF NOTHING LIKE THAT.
YEAH, ME NEITHER.
HEY, MR. KOTTER.
DOES THIS MEAN I DON'T
GOT TO BE TOUGH NO MORE?
THAT'S RIGHT, ARNOLD.
COME ON, WE'VE
ALL HAD A LONG DAY.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE, UH...
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE ALL SLIDE HOME?
♪
HI, HONEY.
HI, HONEY.
THANKS FOR BRINGING ME LUNCH.
YOU'RE GONNA LOVE IT.
I MADE YOU A SANDWICH OF
MY FAMOUS TUNA CASSEROLE!
WELL GO AHEAD, DIG IN.
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE HARRY KOTTER?
NO.
HARRY WAS A SOFT TOUCH.
ANYBODY COULD SELL HIM ANYTHING.
TALKED LIKE THIS,
"HELLO, I'M HARRY KOTTER,
I'M A NICE GUY, ANYBODY
CAN SELL ME ANYTHING."
ONE TIME, HE WENT TO BUY A SUIT.
TRIED THE JACKET ON,
AND ONE OF THE SLEEVES
IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER.
SAID TO THE SALESMAN,
"HEY, MISTER, THIS SLEEVE
IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER
ONE, HOW CAN I REALLY...
THE SLEEVE IS LONG."
THE GUY SAID, "LOOK, JUST
HOLD YOUR ARM LIKE THIS,
AND IT'S FINE."
THEN HE TRIES ON THE PANTS.
HE NOTICES T HAT ONE LEG
IS LONGER THAN THE OTHER.
"MISTER, THIS LEG IS
LONGER THAN THE OTHER ONE,
I COULDN'T WALK DOWN
THE STREET WITH A LEG
LONGER THAN THE OTHER ONE."
HE SAID, "JUST HOLD
YOUR LEG OUT LIKE THAT."
SELLS HIM THE SUIT, HARRY
WALKS OUT OF THE STORE,
THESE TWO GUYS NOTICE HIM
WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
ONE SAYS TO THE
OTHER, "OH, MY GOD,
LOOK AT THAT UNFORTUNATE
FELLOW OVER THERE."
OTHER GUY SAYS,
"YEAH, THAT'S A SHAME.
LOOK HOW NICE HIS SUIT FITS."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪