Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 22 - I'm Having Their Baby - full transcript
I'LL SEE YOU IN A WEEK, JULIE.
- BYE-BYE, HONEY.
- BYE, BABY.
- HAVE A GOOD TRIP.
- THANK YOU.
JULIE...
DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
MY UNCLE, HABIB KOTTER?
HABIB KOTTER... NO, GO AHEAD.
WELL, OLD UNCLE HABIB
WAS A TRAVELING SALESMAN.
HE WORKED AT THE SAME
COMPANY FOR 30 YEARS,
AND HE NEVER GOT A PROMOTION.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
SO ONE DAY, HE FIGURED,
"WHY DON'T I GET A PROMOTION?"
HE WENT IN TO THE BOSS
AND SAID, "LOOK, BOSS,
I'VE BEEN WORKIN' HERE FOR
30 YEARS, I WANT A PROMOTION."
BOSS SAID, "I CAN'T
DO THAT, HABIB,
YOU'RE JUST NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH."
HE SAID, "WHADDYA MEAN,
I'M NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH?"
THE BOSS SAID, "HERE,
I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU."
PUTS HIS HAND AGAINST
THE WALL, HE SAYS,
"HABIB, HIT MY HAND."
HABIB TAKES A SWING AT HIS HAND,
THE BOSS PULLS THE HAND
AWAY AND HABIB HITS THE WALL.
"SEE, YOU'RE NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW I
WAS GONNA DO THAT."
SO HABIB WALKS OUTTA THE
OFFICE A LITTLE DEJECTED,
THE OTHER SALESMAN SAYS,
"DID YOU ASK HIM FOR THE RAISE?"
HABIB SAYS, "YEAH, I
ASKED HIM FOR THE RAISE."
"WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?"
"HE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME,
SAID I WASN'T BRIGHT ENOUGH."
"WHAT DOES HE MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH?"
AND HABIB SAID, "WELL,
HE PROVED IT TO ME."
GUY SAYS, "HOW DID HE PROVE IT?"
HABIB SAYS, "WATCH
THIS, I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
HIT MY HAND."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪
I SEE THE SUBSTITUTE
TEACHER AIN'T HERE YET, HUH?
YEAH... YOU KNOW, I LOVE
IT WHEN MR. KOTTER GOES
ON THOSE TEACHER
CONVENTIONS, IT'S TERRIFIC.
GIVES MY BRAIN A CHANCE TO REST.
JUST THINK... MR. KOTTER
IS WAY UP IN ALBANY,
LEARNING ALL KINDS OF
NEW TEACHING TECHNIQUES.
YEAH, TOO BAD HE HAS
TO WASTE 'EM ON US, HUH?
I WONDER HOW COME
MR. KOTTER WENT UP THERE
WITHOUT MRS. KOTTER?
WELL, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
MRS. KOTTER IS WITH CHILD,
AND THEY CAN'T
AFFORD THREE FARES.
NO, IT'S GOT NOTHIN'
TO DO WITH THAT.
PREGNANT PEOPLE AIN'T
SUPPOSED TO TRAVEL.
I THINK IT'S AGAINST
THE LAW OR SOMETHIN'.
LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT
THIS, I GOT A BITE, I GOT A BITE!
GREAT... NOW CATCH SOME
TARTAR SAUCE, WE CAN HAVE LUNCH.
HERE WE ARE.
THESE ARE THOSE WONDERFUL,
WELL-BEHAVED CHILDREN
I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
IS HE IN THE RIGHT CLASS?
CHILDREN, THIS IS YOUR
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER,
MR. OVERLY.
OVERLY WHAT?
MAYBE THEY SHOULD
BE CALLING YOU UNDERLY.
YOU SEE, MR. OVERLY, THEY'VE
ACCEPTED YOU ALREADY.
THEY, UH, THEY LOVE TO
MAKE THEIR LITTLE JOKES.
YES... BUT, UH, WHY ARE
THEY CALLED "SWEATHOGS"?
WELL, THAT'S CUTE.
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
A TERM OF ENDEARMENT
WHEN YOU HEAR ONE?
YOU, UH, JUST START YOUR LESSON,
THEY'RE EAGER TO LEARN.
- EH, MR...
- GOOD TO HAVE YOU
HERE AT BUCHANAN, OVERLY.
HE BOUGHT IT!
I THINK THE FOOL BOUGHT IT!
WELL, UH... YOU ALL LOOK
LIKE A NICE BUNCH OF KIDS.
REASONABLE... EAGER
TO LEARN... WELL-BEHAVED.
♪
I'M SORRY, LITTLE
JUAN, BUT I, FOR ONE,
AM GONNA MISS MR. OVERLY.
YEAH, WELL I'VE NEVER SEEN A
GROWN MAN CRY LIKE THAT BEFORE.
I DON'T SEE WHY
MR. OVERLY WAS SO UPSET
WHEN WE WAS
JUST PULLIN' HIS LEG.
WELL, MAYBE IT WAS TOO MUCH
WHEN WE PULLED THE OTHER ONE
AND MADE A WISH.
HEY, THERE'S MRS. KOTTER!
YOO-HOO, MRS. KOTTER!
ARNOLD, IS THAT YOU?
YEAH, IT'S ME.
I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.
COME IN, COME IN!
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, YOU
SHOULDN'T BE CARRYING
THESE, THESE HEAVY
BAGS IN YOUR CONDITION.
IT'S OKAY, FREDDIE, REALLY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
CARRY HEAVY THINGS,
IT KEEPS YOUR MUSCLES TONED.
OH, GOOD... YOU WANNA
CARRY MY BOOKS?
NOW, WE'LL HAVE
NONE OF THAT, VINCENT!
MRS. KOTTER IS WITH CHILD.
WHERE... I DON'T SEE NO CHILD.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, YOU
REALLY SHOULD LET US
HELP YOU HOME WITH THEM BAGS.
OH NO, GUYS, REALLY,
IT'S OKAY, I CAN MANAGE.
NAH, NAH, NAH, THAT'S VERY,
VERY BRAVE OF YOU, MRS. KOTTER.
VERY BRAVE, BUT, UH...
MR. KOTTER WOULD HAVE
WANTED IT THIS WAY.
HE'S NOT DEAD, JUAN.
ALL RIGHT, HERE, HERE... COME
ON, VINNY, YOU TAKE THIS ONE
AND I'M GONNA TAKE THIS
ONE RIGHT HERE, HUH?
NO, I DON'T LIKE
THIS BAG, IT'S UGLY.
COME ON... THEN YOU
AND FREDDIE SWITCH.
COME ON, FREDDIE, I DON'T
WANNA HOLD THE MILK,
I WANTED TO HOLD
THE CHICKEN PARTS.
I ATE THE CHICKEN PARTS.
HEY, I STILL GOT THE EGGS.
WE COULD GROWN OUR
OWN CHICKEN PARTS.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST PUT
WHAT'S LEFT OF THE GROCERIES
DOWN ON THE COUNTER?
OKAY, GOT IT, BABY.
RIGHT ON.
THERE YOU GO.
WELL, THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
I DON'T WANNA KEEP
YOU ANY LONGER.
OH, NOW WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
OH, THAT'S A SWEATER THAT
I'M KNITTING FOR THE BABY.
MRS. KOTTER, HE'LL
BE FULLY GROWN
BEFORE HE FITS INTO THAT.
OH, WELL, I ONLY LEARNED
HOW TO KNIT ONE SIZE SWEATER.
I FIGURE, WHEN I'M DONE WITH IT,
I'LL JUST THROW IT IN
THE WASHING MACHINE.
CAN YOU PUT A NEW BABY LIKE
THAT IN THE WASHING MACHINE?
WELL, IT'S BEEN A
REALLY NICE VISIT,
AND I WANNA THANK YOU
GUYS FOR HELPING ME.
THEY'RE NOT GOING.
LOOK, MRS. KOTTER, WE KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GOIN' THROUGH.
YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE THIS,
BUT ALL OF OUR MOTHERS
HAVE BEEN PREGNANT.
NOT MY MOTHER.
SHE'S A SAINT.
ONE DAY, SHE WOKE
UP, AND THERE I WAS.
AND THEN THERE WAS
THESE THREE WISE MEN.
THEY ALL CAME WITH GIFTS.
THERE WAS A WAFFLE
IRON, A TOASTER,
AND A DONALD DUCK NIGHT LIGHT.
CATCHING UP ON OUR
READING, MRS. KOTTER?
OH, THEY'RE ALL BABY BOOKS.
OH, HOW NICE.
THE KID'LL HAVE
SOMETHIN' TO READ.
OH, IT'S GOT PICTURES.
OHH... OHH... OHH!
I'M SORRY, BUT THIS DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE NO STORK TO ME.
I FEEL FAINT!
LEMME SEE THAT BOOK.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SO
DUMB, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
STORKS DON'T BRING
BABIES NO MORE.
THEY USED TO, YEARS AGO.
BUT THEN THEY
STARTED MAKIN' MISTAKES,
BRINGIN' 'EM TO THE WRONG
HOUSES AND WHATNOT.
SO THEY FIRED THE STORKS.
NOW THEY GET
LADIES TO HAVE BABIES.
LESS TROUBLE, MORE FUN.
ARNOLD, DO YOU
BELIEVE THAT STORY?
NOT FOR A SECOND.
I DO.
THANK YOU, VINNIE.
YOU HAVE SAVE ME HOURS
OF USELESS READING.
MRS. KOTTER, WHAT IS THIS?
THE LAMAZE.
IS THAT SOME KIND OF NEW CAR?
NO, JUAN, THAT'S A METHOD
OF NATURAL CHILDBIRTH.
YOU SEE, IF WE USE THIS METHOD,
I'LL BE AWAKE DURING
THE WHOLE THING,
AND MR. KOTTER'LL
BE THERE TO HELP ME.
AND WHAT'S HE GON' DO?
TELL YOU JOKES?
NO, FREDDIE, YOU
SEE, HE'LL JUST HELP.
THE DOCTOR'LL BE THERE.
HE'D BETTER... HE'S CHARGING
$800 FOR THE DELIVERY.
EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS?
HEY, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE
BABY AT MY DRY CLEANERS.
HE HAS FREE DELIVERIES.
WELL, LISTEN, I WOULD REALLY
LOVE TO SIT HERE ALL DAY
AND SWAP PRENATAL
EXPERIENCES WITH YOU GUYS, BUT...
WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO
OBLIGE, MRS. KOTTER.
BUT IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE BEFORE I WAS BORN,
I'VE FORGOTTEN ALMOST ALL OF IT.
LEMME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY:
- I'M A PREGNANT WOMAN, RIGHT?
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
OKAY... NOW, PREGNANT
WOMEN HAVE CRAVINGS.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
I HAVE A CRAVING.
PICKLES?
PRIVACY.
OH, MRS. KOTTER, WE
ONLY CAME HERE TO HELP.
YOU SEE, I FEEL THAT THE NEXT
FEW YEARS OF YOUR PREGNANCY
IS GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT.
I'LL MAKE A DEAL
WITH YOU, ARNOLD:
IF THIS PREGNANCY
GOES BEYOND TWO YEARS,
I'LL CALL FOR YOUR HELP.
MRS. KOTTER, NOW, NOW, DON'T
GO GETTIN' ALL UPSET, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE GONNA BE A
MOTHER, RIGHT... OKAY.
BUT DON'T WORRY,
YOU'RE GON' GET BETTER.
WILL YOU STOP TREATING PREGNANCY
LIKE IT'S SOME SORT OF DISEASE?
WELL, MY MOTHER THINKS IT IS
SHE'S BEEN PREGNANT
EIGHT TIMES...
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU
COUNT 'EM, EIGHT TIMES.
SHE'S TAKEN TO
WEARING GARLIC NOW.
I THINK IT'S WORKIN'.
NOW MY FATHER, HE
SLEEPS UP ON THE ROOF.
WILL YOU GUYS JUST
LEAVE ME ALONE?
HEY, I THINK SHE'S
GETTIN' DELIRIOUS.
YOU GOT A FEVER?
I AM NOT DELIRIOUS,
AND I DON'T HAVE A FEVER.
ARE YOU SURE... YOUR FACE
LOOKS KINDA RED, YOU KNOW?
LOOK... I WOULD JUST
LIKE TO BE BY MYSELF.
I'M TIRED, I WOULD LIKE TO
TAKE A NAP AND BE ALONE.
IS IT TOO MUCH FOR
ME TO ASK TO BE ALONE
IN MY OWN APARTMENT?
TAKE IT EASY!
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, LOOK,
IF YOU WANNA CALL ME,
I'LL BE AT DEBBIE'S, ALL RIGHT?
IF I AIN'T AT DEBBIE'S,
I'M AT SHARON'S.
IF I AIN'T AT
SHARON'S, I'M AT HOME.
BUT IF I'M HOME, DON'T CALL ME,
'CAUSE I'M DEPRESSED.
GET OUT!
♪
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
COME ON, WHY SHOULD
MRS. KOTTER BE MAD AT US?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT... LEMME
ASK YOU SOMETHING, VINNIE.
NOW, SUPPOSE YOUR
WIFE WAS GON' HAVE A BABY.
I AIN'T MARRIED.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
LOOK, MAYBE IT MATTERS TO HER.
COME ON... COME
ON, JUST PRETEND.
WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW MY WIFE.
IT'S AN EXAMPLE, ALL RIGHT...
YOU AIN'T GOT NO WIFE!
WELL, WAIT TILL SHE
HEARS ABOUT THIS.
IT'S AN EXAMPLE, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, NOW SUPPOSE YOUR
WIFE WAS GONNA HAVE A BABY,
- ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH.
AND FOUR GUYS CAME
OVER AND GOT HER SO MAD...
SHE TURNED RED AND THREW
THEM OUT THE APARTMENT.
NOW, YOU TELL ME,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
WHO ARE THOSE
FOUR GUYS, I'D KILL 'EM.
OHH!
THE FOUR GUYS IS US.
SO NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA PUT MY HEAD
IN EPSTEIN'S LOCKER.
OKAY, BUT HOLD YOUR
BREATH, IT'S MURDER IN THERE.
KNOCK IT OFF, ALL RIGHT?
NOW WE GOTTA DO SOMETHIN'
TO MAKE IT UP TO HER.
NOW, LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS.
WHAT WOULD A YOUNG
EXPECTANT MOTHER WANT?
A HUSBAND.
MR. KOTTER IS THE HUSBAND.
OH, WELL... WE'LL GET
HER A BETTER ONE.
WHAT ELSE WOULD SHE WANT?
UH... MORE CLOSET SPACE?
- A PARTY.
- RIGHT!
I WAS GONNA SAY THAT, I
WAS GONNA SAY "PARTY,"
I WAS GONNA SAY "CLOSET SPACE."
HEY, YOU KNOW, LITTLE
JUAN'S GOT A GREAT IDEA.
WE'LL HAVE A SURPRISE
PARTY, OH, IT'LL BE WONDERFUL!
WE COULD HANG STREAMERS
FROM THE RAFTERS.
OH, MRS. KOTTER AND
THE BABY WILL LOVE IT.
YEAH, BUT THE
BABY AIN'T HERE YET.
SO WE KEEP THE PARTY
GOIN' TILL THE KID SHOWS UP.
THANKS TO YOU, MR. OVERLY
WON'T BE WITH US TODAY.
HE CALLED, SOMETHING
ABOUT ENTERING A MONASTERY.
TRY TO TAKE IT EASIER
ON TODAY'S VICTIM,
HE'S GOT A FAMILY.
I'D INTRODUCE YOU,
BUT I DON'T KNOW
HOW LONG YOU'LL BE HERE.
LOOK, GUYS, I DON'T
WANT ANY TROUBLE.
I'M A MARRIED MAN, AND I'M
JUST TRYING TO EARN A F-F-F...
FEW EXTRA BUCKS.
I GOT TWO KIDS.
TWO KIDS, HUH?
THEY'RE GONNA MISS YA.
♪
YOU KNOW, IT WAS NICE
OF THAT SUPERINTENDENT
TO GIVE US THESE KEYS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE GOTTA DO
SOMETHIN' NICE FOR HIM,
LIKE REMEMBER TO LET
HIM OUT OF THE BOILER ROOM
WHEN WE LEAVE.
NOW, COME ON, LET'S GET BUSY.
NO TELLIN' WHEN
SHE'S GONNA BE BACK.
HEY, GUYS, THIS IS
GONNA BE TERRIFIC.
YEAH, YEAH!
LISTEN, LET'S GET GOIN'.
- HORSHACK, DO THE DISHES.
- OKAY.
- EPSTEIN, VACUUM.
- GOT YOU, VINNIE, GOT YOU.
ALL RIGHT... YOU DUST.
- OKAY, BUT I DON'T DO WINDOWS.
- ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, VINNIE?
I'M DOIN' THE REFRIGERATOR.
BEIN' IN CHARGE GETS
ME HUNGRY, YOU KNOW?
HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
MRS. KOTTER'S GOT REAL TASTE
SINCE SHE'S BEEN PREGNANT.
SHE GOT LIVERWURST,
SHE GOT ROOT BEER...
HEY, VINNIE, VINNIE BUBBY...
YOU COULD HELP US
OUT BY MAKIN' THE BED.
THERE'S SOME CLEAN
SHEETS, IT LOOKS LIKE,
- RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY?
- YEAH, IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
I CAN'T WAIT TO YELL "SURPRISE."
HEY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHIN'?
YOU MIGHT HAVE A LOT MORE LUCK
IF YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH
OFF AND TURN THIS ON.
COME ON, I WAS JUST
PRACTICING, THAT'S ALL.
I WAS JUST PRACTICING.
OH, WHAT A SHAME.
AT SUCH AN EARLY AGE, TO
SUFFER FROM DISHPAN HANDS.
HEY, HEY, I CAN
REALLY SEE MYSELF!
THERE'S ME, AND MRS.
OLSEN, AND MR. WHIPPLE...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!
I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!
OH BOY.
IF THAT'S THE WAY THINGS WORK,
NO WONDER A WOMAN'S
WORK IS NEVER DONE.
ARGH!
WE'RE BEING ATTACKED
BY LAWRENCE WELK!
TURN IT OFF, DUDE, TURN IT OFF!
TURN IT OFF, TURN
IT OFF, ARNOLD!
YOU KNOW, WE'RE DOING THE
WORK OF THREE GUYS HERE:
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY.
IT DOES LOOK KIND
OF MESSY, DON'T IT?
YOU THINK SHE'LL NOTICE?
SURPRISE!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
I GO OUT FOR TEN MINUTES,
AND I COME BACK
TO A DISASTER MOVIE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
WE'RE CLEANIN' UP...
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
YEAH, YOU SEE...
AND THEN, AND THEN, AND
THEN, WE WAS GONNA THROW YOU
AND KOTTER JUNIOR
A SURPRISE PARTY.
BY THE TIME YOU GET DONE
CLEANING THIS MESS UP,
IT'S GONNA BE A
GRADUATION PARTY.
HAVE TO ADMIT, YOU
WERE VERY THOROUGH.
LOOK, MRS. KOTTER, WE REALLY
WANTED TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU
FOR MAKING YOU SO UPSET
ABOUT WHAT WE DID TO YOU
- THE OTHER DAY.
- YEAH.
WELL, YOU MADE ME
FORGET ABOUT THAT, OKAY.
WELL, WOULD IT HELP IF WE
SAID THAT WE WERE SORRY?
I GUESS NOT.
I GUESS IT... I GUESS IT
WOULD PROBABLY HELP
IF WE, UH, JUST TOOK
OFF AND SPLIT, HUH?
BUT WE ARE SORRY.
I FEEL LIKE A CRUMB.
HELLO?
OH, HI, GABE!
I FEEL LIKE A DEAD CRUMB.
LONELY?
HOW COULD I BE LONELY, I'M
SURROUNDED BY SWEATHOGS.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?
MRS. KOTTER, YOU LET ME EXPLAIN.
OH, OKAY, GOOD.
A WOMAN IN YOUR CONDITION
SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.
- A'IGHT?
- YOU EXPLAIN.
- I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
- OKAY.
HI THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, MR. KOTTER,
YEAH, IT'S FREDDIE.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
YEAH... NAH, NO, YOU
SEE, WE WERE, WE WERE...
WE WAS JUST GIVIN'
MRS. KOTTER SOME TIPS
ON HOUSECLEANIN', RIGHT.
CAN I TALK TO HIM, PLEASE?
AND ARNOLD WANTS TO
SAY SOMETHING, OKAY.
THEN I WANNA TALK TO HIM.
HELLO, BIG BUCKAROO,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
YEAH, OH, YOU'D BE
VERY PROUD OF ALL OF US.
YES... OH, ONE OF YOUR LITTLE
FRIENDS WANTS TO SAY HELLO.
HELLO THERE, JUAN EPSTEIN HERE.
AND WE WANTED TO LET
YOU KNOW WE GOT THE PLACE
REALLY SHIP-SHAPE, YES, SIR.
HI, HONEY.
OH NO... HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT THEY'VE DONE HERE.
I COULD NEVER
HAVE DONE IT MYSELF.
I MISS YOU TOO, HONEY.
YEAH... WE MISS YOU, HONEY.
BYE.
UH... OKAY, HONEY.
YEAH, YOU HURRY HOME.
I LOVE YOU, BYE-BYE.
THANK YOU FOR NOT
SPILLIN' THE BEANS.
IT'S ABOUT THE ONLY THING
THAT HASN'T BEEN SPILLED
IN THIS APARTMENT.
LOOK, IT TOOK A LOT
OF GOOD INTENTIONS
TO RUIN AN APARTMENT THIS WELL.
WHERE'S MY PARTY?
OH YEAH, YEAH.
SEE... THIS IS FOR YOU.
AND THIS IS FOR THE LITTLE BABY.
WELL, I THINK I'LL JUST
SEND IT RIGHT DOWN TO HIM.
♪
OKAY.
I'VE GOT ANOTHER
ONE OUT IN THE HALL.
WE'RE GONNA TRY IT AGAIN TODAY.
WELL, WE'RE GAME
IF YOU ARE, HUH?
HEY, WE HAD A PRETTY GOOD WEEK.
THAT MAKES THREE FOR THREE.
♪
MR. WOODMAN, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
UH, JULIE, I, UH, KNEW YOUR
HUSBAND WAS OUTTA TOWN,
SO I THOUGHT...
WELL, I LIKE WHAT
YOU'VE DONE WITH IT.
SWEATHOGS LEFT THREE
DAYS AGO, I'M STILL CLEANING UP.
UH, YOU WERE SAYING?
YEAH, WELL, I KNOW KOTTER
LIKES TO TELL YOU JOKES,
SO I FIGURED I'D
DROP BY AND TELL YOU
THE ONLY JOKE I KNOW...
I MEAN, I ONLY KNOW ONE.
HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
YEAH, WELL, ANYWAY, IT SEEMS
THAT THERE WAS THIS WOMAN.
WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE IT A RELATIVE?
YOU SEE, GABE ALWAYS
MAKES IT ONE OF HIS RELATIVES.
WELL, I DON'T HAVE
ANY RELATIVES.
WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND?
MAKE IT YOUR AUNT SOPHIE.
ALL RIGHT, AUNT SOPHIE...
ANYWAY, ONE DAY,
AUNT SOPHIE'S WALKIN' DOWN
THE STREET WITH A CHILD, RIGHT?
AND A MAN COMES UP
TO HER AND HE SAYS,
"LADY, THAT IS THE UGLIEST
BABY I HAVE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE."
WELL, AUNT SOPHIE
GETS VERY UPSET.
SHE RUNS TO A POLICEMAN,
RIGHT, SHE TELLS HIM,
"A MAN JUST MADE AN
INSULTING REMARK TO ME."
POLICEMAN SAYS,
"LADY, CALM DOWN.
WE'LL GO DOWN TO THE
STATIONHOUSE, FILL IN A REPORT,
MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF COFFEE,
MIGHT EVEN FIND A
BANANA FOR YOUR MONKEY."
YOU GET IT... THE
BANANA, THE MONKEY?
I MEAN, THIS KID WAS
REALLY UGLY, YOU GET IT?
THE BANANA, THE MONKEY,
SEE... THIS KID WAS UGLY,
YOU UNDERSTAND?
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪
- BYE-BYE, HONEY.
- BYE, BABY.
- HAVE A GOOD TRIP.
- THANK YOU.
JULIE...
DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
MY UNCLE, HABIB KOTTER?
HABIB KOTTER... NO, GO AHEAD.
WELL, OLD UNCLE HABIB
WAS A TRAVELING SALESMAN.
HE WORKED AT THE SAME
COMPANY FOR 30 YEARS,
AND HE NEVER GOT A PROMOTION.
HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?
SO ONE DAY, HE FIGURED,
"WHY DON'T I GET A PROMOTION?"
HE WENT IN TO THE BOSS
AND SAID, "LOOK, BOSS,
I'VE BEEN WORKIN' HERE FOR
30 YEARS, I WANT A PROMOTION."
BOSS SAID, "I CAN'T
DO THAT, HABIB,
YOU'RE JUST NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH."
HE SAID, "WHADDYA MEAN,
I'M NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH?"
THE BOSS SAID, "HERE,
I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU."
PUTS HIS HAND AGAINST
THE WALL, HE SAYS,
"HABIB, HIT MY HAND."
HABIB TAKES A SWING AT HIS HAND,
THE BOSS PULLS THE HAND
AWAY AND HABIB HITS THE WALL.
"SEE, YOU'RE NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH.
YOU DIDN'T KNOW I
WAS GONNA DO THAT."
SO HABIB WALKS OUTTA THE
OFFICE A LITTLE DEJECTED,
THE OTHER SALESMAN SAYS,
"DID YOU ASK HIM FOR THE RAISE?"
HABIB SAYS, "YEAH, I
ASKED HIM FOR THE RAISE."
"WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?"
"HE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME,
SAID I WASN'T BRIGHT ENOUGH."
"WHAT DOES HE MEAN,
YOU'RE NOT BRIGHT ENOUGH?"
AND HABIB SAID, "WELL,
HE PROVED IT TO ME."
GUY SAYS, "HOW DID HE PROVE IT?"
HABIB SAYS, "WATCH
THIS, I'LL PROVE IT TO YOU.
HIT MY HAND."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪
I SEE THE SUBSTITUTE
TEACHER AIN'T HERE YET, HUH?
YEAH... YOU KNOW, I LOVE
IT WHEN MR. KOTTER GOES
ON THOSE TEACHER
CONVENTIONS, IT'S TERRIFIC.
GIVES MY BRAIN A CHANCE TO REST.
JUST THINK... MR. KOTTER
IS WAY UP IN ALBANY,
LEARNING ALL KINDS OF
NEW TEACHING TECHNIQUES.
YEAH, TOO BAD HE HAS
TO WASTE 'EM ON US, HUH?
I WONDER HOW COME
MR. KOTTER WENT UP THERE
WITHOUT MRS. KOTTER?
WELL, MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE
MRS. KOTTER IS WITH CHILD,
AND THEY CAN'T
AFFORD THREE FARES.
NO, IT'S GOT NOTHIN'
TO DO WITH THAT.
PREGNANT PEOPLE AIN'T
SUPPOSED TO TRAVEL.
I THINK IT'S AGAINST
THE LAW OR SOMETHIN'.
LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT
THIS, I GOT A BITE, I GOT A BITE!
GREAT... NOW CATCH SOME
TARTAR SAUCE, WE CAN HAVE LUNCH.
HERE WE ARE.
THESE ARE THOSE WONDERFUL,
WELL-BEHAVED CHILDREN
I TOLD YOU ABOUT.
IS HE IN THE RIGHT CLASS?
CHILDREN, THIS IS YOUR
SUBSTITUTE TEACHER,
MR. OVERLY.
OVERLY WHAT?
MAYBE THEY SHOULD
BE CALLING YOU UNDERLY.
YOU SEE, MR. OVERLY, THEY'VE
ACCEPTED YOU ALREADY.
THEY, UH, THEY LOVE TO
MAKE THEIR LITTLE JOKES.
YES... BUT, UH, WHY ARE
THEY CALLED "SWEATHOGS"?
WELL, THAT'S CUTE.
DON'T YOU RECOGNIZE
A TERM OF ENDEARMENT
WHEN YOU HEAR ONE?
YOU, UH, JUST START YOUR LESSON,
THEY'RE EAGER TO LEARN.
- EH, MR...
- GOOD TO HAVE YOU
HERE AT BUCHANAN, OVERLY.
HE BOUGHT IT!
I THINK THE FOOL BOUGHT IT!
WELL, UH... YOU ALL LOOK
LIKE A NICE BUNCH OF KIDS.
REASONABLE... EAGER
TO LEARN... WELL-BEHAVED.
♪
I'M SORRY, LITTLE
JUAN, BUT I, FOR ONE,
AM GONNA MISS MR. OVERLY.
YEAH, WELL I'VE NEVER SEEN A
GROWN MAN CRY LIKE THAT BEFORE.
I DON'T SEE WHY
MR. OVERLY WAS SO UPSET
WHEN WE WAS
JUST PULLIN' HIS LEG.
WELL, MAYBE IT WAS TOO MUCH
WHEN WE PULLED THE OTHER ONE
AND MADE A WISH.
HEY, THERE'S MRS. KOTTER!
YOO-HOO, MRS. KOTTER!
ARNOLD, IS THAT YOU?
YEAH, IT'S ME.
I WAS AFRAID OF THAT.
COME IN, COME IN!
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, YOU
SHOULDN'T BE CARRYING
THESE, THESE HEAVY
BAGS IN YOUR CONDITION.
IT'S OKAY, FREDDIE, REALLY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
CARRY HEAVY THINGS,
IT KEEPS YOUR MUSCLES TONED.
OH, GOOD... YOU WANNA
CARRY MY BOOKS?
NOW, WE'LL HAVE
NONE OF THAT, VINCENT!
MRS. KOTTER IS WITH CHILD.
WHERE... I DON'T SEE NO CHILD.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, YOU
REALLY SHOULD LET US
HELP YOU HOME WITH THEM BAGS.
OH NO, GUYS, REALLY,
IT'S OKAY, I CAN MANAGE.
NAH, NAH, NAH, THAT'S VERY,
VERY BRAVE OF YOU, MRS. KOTTER.
VERY BRAVE, BUT, UH...
MR. KOTTER WOULD HAVE
WANTED IT THIS WAY.
HE'S NOT DEAD, JUAN.
ALL RIGHT, HERE, HERE... COME
ON, VINNY, YOU TAKE THIS ONE
AND I'M GONNA TAKE THIS
ONE RIGHT HERE, HUH?
NO, I DON'T LIKE
THIS BAG, IT'S UGLY.
COME ON... THEN YOU
AND FREDDIE SWITCH.
COME ON, FREDDIE, I DON'T
WANNA HOLD THE MILK,
I WANTED TO HOLD
THE CHICKEN PARTS.
I ATE THE CHICKEN PARTS.
HEY, I STILL GOT THE EGGS.
WE COULD GROWN OUR
OWN CHICKEN PARTS.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JUST PUT
WHAT'S LEFT OF THE GROCERIES
DOWN ON THE COUNTER?
OKAY, GOT IT, BABY.
RIGHT ON.
THERE YOU GO.
WELL, THANKS A LOT, GUYS.
I DON'T WANNA KEEP
YOU ANY LONGER.
OH, NOW WHAT HAVE WE HERE?
OH, THAT'S A SWEATER THAT
I'M KNITTING FOR THE BABY.
MRS. KOTTER, HE'LL
BE FULLY GROWN
BEFORE HE FITS INTO THAT.
OH, WELL, I ONLY LEARNED
HOW TO KNIT ONE SIZE SWEATER.
I FIGURE, WHEN I'M DONE WITH IT,
I'LL JUST THROW IT IN
THE WASHING MACHINE.
CAN YOU PUT A NEW BABY LIKE
THAT IN THE WASHING MACHINE?
WELL, IT'S BEEN A
REALLY NICE VISIT,
AND I WANNA THANK YOU
GUYS FOR HELPING ME.
THEY'RE NOT GOING.
LOOK, MRS. KOTTER, WE KNOW
WHAT YOU'RE GOIN' THROUGH.
YOU MAY NOT BELIEVE THIS,
BUT ALL OF OUR MOTHERS
HAVE BEEN PREGNANT.
NOT MY MOTHER.
SHE'S A SAINT.
ONE DAY, SHE WOKE
UP, AND THERE I WAS.
AND THEN THERE WAS
THESE THREE WISE MEN.
THEY ALL CAME WITH GIFTS.
THERE WAS A WAFFLE
IRON, A TOASTER,
AND A DONALD DUCK NIGHT LIGHT.
CATCHING UP ON OUR
READING, MRS. KOTTER?
OH, THEY'RE ALL BABY BOOKS.
OH, HOW NICE.
THE KID'LL HAVE
SOMETHIN' TO READ.
OH, IT'S GOT PICTURES.
OHH... OHH... OHH!
I'M SORRY, BUT THIS DOESN'T
LOOK LIKE NO STORK TO ME.
I FEEL FAINT!
LEMME SEE THAT BOOK.
YOU KNOW, YOU ARE SO
DUMB, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
STORKS DON'T BRING
BABIES NO MORE.
THEY USED TO, YEARS AGO.
BUT THEN THEY
STARTED MAKIN' MISTAKES,
BRINGIN' 'EM TO THE WRONG
HOUSES AND WHATNOT.
SO THEY FIRED THE STORKS.
NOW THEY GET
LADIES TO HAVE BABIES.
LESS TROUBLE, MORE FUN.
ARNOLD, DO YOU
BELIEVE THAT STORY?
NOT FOR A SECOND.
I DO.
THANK YOU, VINNIE.
YOU HAVE SAVE ME HOURS
OF USELESS READING.
MRS. KOTTER, WHAT IS THIS?
THE LAMAZE.
IS THAT SOME KIND OF NEW CAR?
NO, JUAN, THAT'S A METHOD
OF NATURAL CHILDBIRTH.
YOU SEE, IF WE USE THIS METHOD,
I'LL BE AWAKE DURING
THE WHOLE THING,
AND MR. KOTTER'LL
BE THERE TO HELP ME.
AND WHAT'S HE GON' DO?
TELL YOU JOKES?
NO, FREDDIE, YOU
SEE, HE'LL JUST HELP.
THE DOCTOR'LL BE THERE.
HE'D BETTER... HE'S CHARGING
$800 FOR THE DELIVERY.
EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS?
HEY, YOU SHOULD HAVE THE
BABY AT MY DRY CLEANERS.
HE HAS FREE DELIVERIES.
WELL, LISTEN, I WOULD REALLY
LOVE TO SIT HERE ALL DAY
AND SWAP PRENATAL
EXPERIENCES WITH YOU GUYS, BUT...
WELL, I WOULD LIKE TO
OBLIGE, MRS. KOTTER.
BUT IT'S BEEN SO LONG
SINCE BEFORE I WAS BORN,
I'VE FORGOTTEN ALMOST ALL OF IT.
LEMME PUT IT TO YOU THIS WAY:
- I'M A PREGNANT WOMAN, RIGHT?
- RIGHT, RIGHT.
OKAY... NOW, PREGNANT
WOMEN HAVE CRAVINGS.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
I HAVE A CRAVING.
PICKLES?
PRIVACY.
OH, MRS. KOTTER, WE
ONLY CAME HERE TO HELP.
YOU SEE, I FEEL THAT THE NEXT
FEW YEARS OF YOUR PREGNANCY
IS GONNA BE VERY DIFFICULT.
I'LL MAKE A DEAL
WITH YOU, ARNOLD:
IF THIS PREGNANCY
GOES BEYOND TWO YEARS,
I'LL CALL FOR YOUR HELP.
MRS. KOTTER, NOW, NOW, DON'T
GO GETTIN' ALL UPSET, ALL RIGHT?
YOU'RE GONNA BE A
MOTHER, RIGHT... OKAY.
BUT DON'T WORRY,
YOU'RE GON' GET BETTER.
WILL YOU STOP TREATING PREGNANCY
LIKE IT'S SOME SORT OF DISEASE?
WELL, MY MOTHER THINKS IT IS
SHE'S BEEN PREGNANT
EIGHT TIMES...
THAT'S RIGHT, YOU
COUNT 'EM, EIGHT TIMES.
SHE'S TAKEN TO
WEARING GARLIC NOW.
I THINK IT'S WORKIN'.
NOW MY FATHER, HE
SLEEPS UP ON THE ROOF.
WILL YOU GUYS JUST
LEAVE ME ALONE?
HEY, I THINK SHE'S
GETTIN' DELIRIOUS.
YOU GOT A FEVER?
I AM NOT DELIRIOUS,
AND I DON'T HAVE A FEVER.
ARE YOU SURE... YOUR FACE
LOOKS KINDA RED, YOU KNOW?
LOOK... I WOULD JUST
LIKE TO BE BY MYSELF.
I'M TIRED, I WOULD LIKE TO
TAKE A NAP AND BE ALONE.
IS IT TOO MUCH FOR
ME TO ASK TO BE ALONE
IN MY OWN APARTMENT?
TAKE IT EASY!
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, LOOK,
IF YOU WANNA CALL ME,
I'LL BE AT DEBBIE'S, ALL RIGHT?
IF I AIN'T AT DEBBIE'S,
I'M AT SHARON'S.
IF I AIN'T AT
SHARON'S, I'M AT HOME.
BUT IF I'M HOME, DON'T CALL ME,
'CAUSE I'M DEPRESSED.
GET OUT!
♪
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
COME ON, WHY SHOULD
MRS. KOTTER BE MAD AT US?
OKAY, ALL RIGHT... LEMME
ASK YOU SOMETHING, VINNIE.
NOW, SUPPOSE YOUR
WIFE WAS GON' HAVE A BABY.
I AIN'T MARRIED.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER.
LOOK, MAYBE IT MATTERS TO HER.
COME ON... COME
ON, JUST PRETEND.
WELL, YOU DON'T KNOW MY WIFE.
IT'S AN EXAMPLE, ALL RIGHT...
YOU AIN'T GOT NO WIFE!
WELL, WAIT TILL SHE
HEARS ABOUT THIS.
IT'S AN EXAMPLE, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, NOW SUPPOSE YOUR
WIFE WAS GONNA HAVE A BABY,
- ALL RIGHT?
- YEAH.
AND FOUR GUYS CAME
OVER AND GOT HER SO MAD...
SHE TURNED RED AND THREW
THEM OUT THE APARTMENT.
NOW, YOU TELL ME,
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
WHO ARE THOSE
FOUR GUYS, I'D KILL 'EM.
OHH!
THE FOUR GUYS IS US.
SO NOW, WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
I'M GONNA PUT MY HEAD
IN EPSTEIN'S LOCKER.
OKAY, BUT HOLD YOUR
BREATH, IT'S MURDER IN THERE.
KNOCK IT OFF, ALL RIGHT?
NOW WE GOTTA DO SOMETHIN'
TO MAKE IT UP TO HER.
NOW, LET'S THINK ABOUT THIS.
WHAT WOULD A YOUNG
EXPECTANT MOTHER WANT?
A HUSBAND.
MR. KOTTER IS THE HUSBAND.
OH, WELL... WE'LL GET
HER A BETTER ONE.
WHAT ELSE WOULD SHE WANT?
UH... MORE CLOSET SPACE?
- A PARTY.
- RIGHT!
I WAS GONNA SAY THAT, I
WAS GONNA SAY "PARTY,"
I WAS GONNA SAY "CLOSET SPACE."
HEY, YOU KNOW, LITTLE
JUAN'S GOT A GREAT IDEA.
WE'LL HAVE A SURPRISE
PARTY, OH, IT'LL BE WONDERFUL!
WE COULD HANG STREAMERS
FROM THE RAFTERS.
OH, MRS. KOTTER AND
THE BABY WILL LOVE IT.
YEAH, BUT THE
BABY AIN'T HERE YET.
SO WE KEEP THE PARTY
GOIN' TILL THE KID SHOWS UP.
THANKS TO YOU, MR. OVERLY
WON'T BE WITH US TODAY.
HE CALLED, SOMETHING
ABOUT ENTERING A MONASTERY.
TRY TO TAKE IT EASIER
ON TODAY'S VICTIM,
HE'S GOT A FAMILY.
I'D INTRODUCE YOU,
BUT I DON'T KNOW
HOW LONG YOU'LL BE HERE.
LOOK, GUYS, I DON'T
WANT ANY TROUBLE.
I'M A MARRIED MAN, AND I'M
JUST TRYING TO EARN A F-F-F...
FEW EXTRA BUCKS.
I GOT TWO KIDS.
TWO KIDS, HUH?
THEY'RE GONNA MISS YA.
♪
YOU KNOW, IT WAS NICE
OF THAT SUPERINTENDENT
TO GIVE US THESE KEYS.
YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE GOTTA DO
SOMETHIN' NICE FOR HIM,
LIKE REMEMBER TO LET
HIM OUT OF THE BOILER ROOM
WHEN WE LEAVE.
NOW, COME ON, LET'S GET BUSY.
NO TELLIN' WHEN
SHE'S GONNA BE BACK.
HEY, GUYS, THIS IS
GONNA BE TERRIFIC.
YEAH, YEAH!
LISTEN, LET'S GET GOIN'.
- HORSHACK, DO THE DISHES.
- OKAY.
- EPSTEIN, VACUUM.
- GOT YOU, VINNIE, GOT YOU.
ALL RIGHT... YOU DUST.
- OKAY, BUT I DON'T DO WINDOWS.
- ALL RIGHT.
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO, VINNIE?
I'M DOIN' THE REFRIGERATOR.
BEIN' IN CHARGE GETS
ME HUNGRY, YOU KNOW?
HEY, LOOK AT THIS.
MRS. KOTTER'S GOT REAL TASTE
SINCE SHE'S BEEN PREGNANT.
SHE GOT LIVERWURST,
SHE GOT ROOT BEER...
HEY, VINNIE, VINNIE BUBBY...
YOU COULD HELP US
OUT BY MAKIN' THE BED.
THERE'S SOME CLEAN
SHEETS, IT LOOKS LIKE,
- RIGHT OVER THERE, OKAY?
- YEAH, IT'S A GOOD IDEA.
I CAN'T WAIT TO YELL "SURPRISE."
HEY!
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
YOU CRAZY OR SOMETHIN'?
YOU MIGHT HAVE A LOT MORE LUCK
IF YOU SHUT YOUR MOUTH
OFF AND TURN THIS ON.
COME ON, I WAS JUST
PRACTICING, THAT'S ALL.
I WAS JUST PRACTICING.
OH, WHAT A SHAME.
AT SUCH AN EARLY AGE, TO
SUFFER FROM DISHPAN HANDS.
HEY, HEY, I CAN
REALLY SEE MYSELF!
THERE'S ME, AND MRS.
OLSEN, AND MR. WHIPPLE...
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!
TURN IT OFF, TURN IT OFF!
I'M TRYING, I'M TRYING!
OH BOY.
IF THAT'S THE WAY THINGS WORK,
NO WONDER A WOMAN'S
WORK IS NEVER DONE.
ARGH!
WE'RE BEING ATTACKED
BY LAWRENCE WELK!
TURN IT OFF, DUDE, TURN IT OFF!
TURN IT OFF, TURN
IT OFF, ARNOLD!
YOU KNOW, WE'RE DOING THE
WORK OF THREE GUYS HERE:
MOE, LARRY, AND CURLY.
IT DOES LOOK KIND
OF MESSY, DON'T IT?
YOU THINK SHE'LL NOTICE?
SURPRISE!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
I GO OUT FOR TEN MINUTES,
AND I COME BACK
TO A DISASTER MOVIE.
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?
WE'RE CLEANIN' UP...
WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?
YEAH, YOU SEE...
AND THEN, AND THEN, AND
THEN, WE WAS GONNA THROW YOU
AND KOTTER JUNIOR
A SURPRISE PARTY.
BY THE TIME YOU GET DONE
CLEANING THIS MESS UP,
IT'S GONNA BE A
GRADUATION PARTY.
HAVE TO ADMIT, YOU
WERE VERY THOROUGH.
LOOK, MRS. KOTTER, WE REALLY
WANTED TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU
FOR MAKING YOU SO UPSET
ABOUT WHAT WE DID TO YOU
- THE OTHER DAY.
- YEAH.
WELL, YOU MADE ME
FORGET ABOUT THAT, OKAY.
WELL, WOULD IT HELP IF WE
SAID THAT WE WERE SORRY?
I GUESS NOT.
I GUESS IT... I GUESS IT
WOULD PROBABLY HELP
IF WE, UH, JUST TOOK
OFF AND SPLIT, HUH?
BUT WE ARE SORRY.
I FEEL LIKE A CRUMB.
HELLO?
OH, HI, GABE!
I FEEL LIKE A DEAD CRUMB.
LONELY?
HOW COULD I BE LONELY, I'M
SURROUNDED BY SWEATHOGS.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING HERE?
MRS. KOTTER, YOU LET ME EXPLAIN.
OH, OKAY, GOOD.
A WOMAN IN YOUR CONDITION
SHOULDN'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN.
- A'IGHT?
- YOU EXPLAIN.
- I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.
- OKAY.
HI THERE.
YEAH, YEAH, MR. KOTTER,
YEAH, IT'S FREDDIE.
HOW YOU DOIN'?
YEAH... NAH, NO, YOU
SEE, WE WERE, WE WERE...
WE WAS JUST GIVIN'
MRS. KOTTER SOME TIPS
ON HOUSECLEANIN', RIGHT.
CAN I TALK TO HIM, PLEASE?
AND ARNOLD WANTS TO
SAY SOMETHING, OKAY.
THEN I WANNA TALK TO HIM.
HELLO, BIG BUCKAROO,
CAN YOU HEAR ME?
YEAH, OH, YOU'D BE
VERY PROUD OF ALL OF US.
YES... OH, ONE OF YOUR LITTLE
FRIENDS WANTS TO SAY HELLO.
HELLO THERE, JUAN EPSTEIN HERE.
AND WE WANTED TO LET
YOU KNOW WE GOT THE PLACE
REALLY SHIP-SHAPE, YES, SIR.
HI, HONEY.
OH NO... HE'S TELLING THE TRUTH.
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT THEY'VE DONE HERE.
I COULD NEVER
HAVE DONE IT MYSELF.
I MISS YOU TOO, HONEY.
YEAH... WE MISS YOU, HONEY.
BYE.
UH... OKAY, HONEY.
YEAH, YOU HURRY HOME.
I LOVE YOU, BYE-BYE.
THANK YOU FOR NOT
SPILLIN' THE BEANS.
IT'S ABOUT THE ONLY THING
THAT HASN'T BEEN SPILLED
IN THIS APARTMENT.
LOOK, IT TOOK A LOT
OF GOOD INTENTIONS
TO RUIN AN APARTMENT THIS WELL.
WHERE'S MY PARTY?
OH YEAH, YEAH.
SEE... THIS IS FOR YOU.
AND THIS IS FOR THE LITTLE BABY.
WELL, I THINK I'LL JUST
SEND IT RIGHT DOWN TO HIM.
♪
OKAY.
I'VE GOT ANOTHER
ONE OUT IN THE HALL.
WE'RE GONNA TRY IT AGAIN TODAY.
WELL, WE'RE GAME
IF YOU ARE, HUH?
HEY, WE HAD A PRETTY GOOD WEEK.
THAT MAKES THREE FOR THREE.
♪
MR. WOODMAN, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
UH, JULIE, I, UH, KNEW YOUR
HUSBAND WAS OUTTA TOWN,
SO I THOUGHT...
WELL, I LIKE WHAT
YOU'VE DONE WITH IT.
SWEATHOGS LEFT THREE
DAYS AGO, I'M STILL CLEANING UP.
UH, YOU WERE SAYING?
YEAH, WELL, I KNOW KOTTER
LIKES TO TELL YOU JOKES,
SO I FIGURED I'D
DROP BY AND TELL YOU
THE ONLY JOKE I KNOW...
I MEAN, I ONLY KNOW ONE.
HOW THOUGHTFUL OF YOU.
YEAH, WELL, ANYWAY, IT SEEMS
THAT THERE WAS THIS WOMAN.
WHY DON'T YOU
MAKE IT A RELATIVE?
YOU SEE, GABE ALWAYS
MAKES IT ONE OF HIS RELATIVES.
WELL, I DON'T HAVE
ANY RELATIVES.
WHY DON'T YOU PRETEND?
MAKE IT YOUR AUNT SOPHIE.
ALL RIGHT, AUNT SOPHIE...
ANYWAY, ONE DAY,
AUNT SOPHIE'S WALKIN' DOWN
THE STREET WITH A CHILD, RIGHT?
AND A MAN COMES UP
TO HER AND HE SAYS,
"LADY, THAT IS THE UGLIEST
BABY I HAVE EVER SEEN
IN MY LIFE."
WELL, AUNT SOPHIE
GETS VERY UPSET.
SHE RUNS TO A POLICEMAN,
RIGHT, SHE TELLS HIM,
"A MAN JUST MADE AN
INSULTING REMARK TO ME."
POLICEMAN SAYS,
"LADY, CALM DOWN.
WE'LL GO DOWN TO THE
STATIONHOUSE, FILL IN A REPORT,
MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF COFFEE,
MIGHT EVEN FIND A
BANANA FOR YOUR MONKEY."
YOU GET IT... THE
BANANA, THE MONKEY?
I MEAN, THIS KID WAS
REALLY UGLY, YOU GET IT?
THE BANANA, THE MONKEY,
SEE... THIS KID WAS UGLY,
YOU UNDERSTAND?
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪