Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 18 - Has Anyone Seen Arnold? - full transcript
Julie, did I ever tell you about
my uncle, who was a skin diver?
No.
Go ahead, tell me about him.
His name was Mike Nelson Kotter.
One day he buys all this
new equipment and decides
to try it out, right?
So he goes down
20 feet into the ocean,
sees this guy come down
20 feet with no equipment.
So, my uncle goes down 40 feet.
He says, "I'll show this guy ."
Guy comes down
40 feet, no equipment.
My uncle can't believe it.
He takes his little slate out,
he says, "What are you doing
down 40 feet with no equipment?"
Guy grabs the
slate, writes back,
“You jerk, I'm drowning .”
♪♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back to that same
old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Where the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have
remained and they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'cause we've got
him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪♪
All right, all right, all right.
Now, did everybody do what they
were supposed to do last night?
Yeah, Mr. Kotter,
I did what I was supposed to do.
But then it was too late to
do homework after she left.
That's a bad Vinnie Barbarino.
You're bad, bad.
You're bad.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Yes yes, Arnold.
I did my homework, Mr. Kotter.
Well, that's a good boy.
Isn't he a good Arnold Horshack?
But that Vincent
Barbarino, he's bad!
You're bad!
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Hey, hey, hey.
Cool it, Mr. Kotter.
Don't you tell
Mr. Kotter, “Cool it .”
You know what you are?
You're bad.
Just 'cause my jokes aren't
funny and they don't make people
laugh, you're bad.
You're bad, bad.
What about me, Juan?
You're such a good boy.
Isn't he a good boy?
All right, sit down, Epstein.
Hey, hey, hey,
where are you going?
I gotta go out and shave first.
I'll shave you.
Hey.
Here, take this
home, put it in water,
and in three weeks
you'll have a full beard.
Sit down.
Okay.
I have an announcement
regarding extracurricular activities.
The answer's forget it.
We ain't interested.
I didn't say what it was yet.
Give the man a chance.
What is it, Mr. Kotter?
It's about the school
drama festival.
Forget it.
We ain't interested.
Well, now, wait a minute.
Some of us would
like to hear more.
Thank you, Arnold.
What we would have to do
would be a scene from play,
and I will volunteer to direct.
Acting is so dumb, you know it?
Going around pretending
you're somebody else.
Ridiculous.
Vinnie.
Vinnie, when I walked in
here, Epstein was acting.
He was pretending to be me.
So what?
Epstein does a
lot of weird things.
Yes, that's true.
I have just been informed
that Epstein put Jell-O in
the birdbath yesterday to
watch the birds bounce around.
We'll talk about
that later, Epstein.
Okay, right now, who wants
to take a crack at acting?
Oh, you wanna see acting?
Arnold Horshack
will show you acting.
Yeah.
Oh... never have I
seen such golden locks.
Indeed, it is the sun itself.
That's very good, Arnold.
Golden locks, was
that from Shakespeare?
No, it's from
“Charlie's Angels.”
I can do better than that.
Hey, Mr. Kotter,
you remember that scene
between Katharine Hepburn
and Sidney Poitiers in
“Guess Who's Out to Lunch”?
That's, uh... That's
Sidney Poitier.
Right, Poitiers.
Okay, remember when
Miss Hepburn said to Sidney,
"So, you're planning
to marry my daughter?
That is a coincidence,
for I am planning to marry
Harry Belafonte.”
Acting is simple.
Watch this.
I'll do something for you.
Stella!
Stella!
Who am I?
Some weird guy named “Stella .”
Wait, I'll do it one more
time for you, then you guess.
Stella!
Stella!
I could've been a contender.
You just confused
two of my movies.
You show me no
respect when you do that.
Do that again, I call
Clemenza, Barzini, Provolone,
Spumoni and
linguini in clam sauce.
Who are you doing?
Marlon Brando.
I was doing John Wayne.
Well, I do not know about
the others, Mr. Kotter,
but I am very seriously
interested in our school play.
Hey, stop it, stop it.
Stop it.
I'm proud of you, Arnold.
You know you'd be terrific
in “Cyrano de Bergerac.”
Oh, yeah, wasn't he the
guy with the mile-long nose?
Arnold, wait a minute.
Don't worry.
You know, if you get the part,
maybe we can shorten yours.
Cyrano was much
more than a big nose.
In fact, he was one of
the greatest romantics
in all of literature.
He used to hide behind the
bushes just to talk to girls.
I got an uncle serving
five to ten for doing that.
Come on, come on, Mr. Kotter,
tell us more about
this Cyrano person.
Well, Arnold, Cyrano was in love
with a beautiful named "Roxane."
But, alas, she was in
love with someone else.
Oh, well, that's it, Mr. Kotter.
It's the Arnold Horshack story.
Right.
From this moment on, Cyrano
de Bergerac shall be known as
“Cyrano de Horshack”"
♪♪
Mr. Woodman, I don't
wanna be on the same stage
as a sweathog.
I don't even wanna be on the
same planet as a sweat hog.
Well, do what I do-when
I'm in that classroom, I think of
myself as a missionary
among savages in New Guinea.
You can almost hear the drums.
Water boiling in a giant
pot, and they grab me,
and they drag me
over to their chief.
He has curly hair
and a big mustache.
He's about to tell me a joke.
“No,” I begged him,
“Please, throw me into the pot!
Throw me into the pot”"
Mr. Woodman, get
a hold of yourself.
It's okay, it's okay.
I was away for a
while, but I'm back.
I'm sorry, Judy, but Principal
Lazarus insists that we balance
the underachievers
with an overachiever.
Kotter, here's my Roxane.
Oh, hi, Judy.
Hi, Mr. Kotter.
Where's your Cyrano?
Mr. Woodman, I have
found a young man
with a sensitivity of a
poet, the grace of a dancer,
and the voice of a...
I shall clap my hands
three times, o' full moon.
The voice of a wounded goat.
Three times, o' full moon.
At the third, you will be...
Putting a sword in the
hands of a sweathog?
You're mad, Kotter, mad!
Principal Lazarus, he's
arming the sweathogs.
Call out the National Guard!
Don't worry about Mr. Woodman.
His mother was
frightened by a shish kabob.
Okay, Judy, Arnold will
be playing opposite you.
I'd rather be stuck
in a shopping cart
and run through a car wash.
You know, Judy, Evel
Knievel just called.
He wants to know if
he can jump your mouth.
All right, all right.
Cut it out, you two.
You both read the play, right?
Okay, let's take it from,
“Au du faire, Roxane.”
Do it, Arnold.
Au du faire, Roxane.
Uh...
Yuck!
His nose is cold.
It just means he's healthy.
Come on, pick it up, Arnold.
Okay, uh, I am only a shadow,
and you are a gleam of light.
You have no idea what
these moments mean to me.
And, tonight, when I
enter into the house of God,
I shall have one thing...
Hey, Arnold, who are
you supposed to be,
Florence of Arabia?
And, tonight, when I
enter into the house of God,
I shall have one
thing... Vinnie.
Hey, Vinnie, I think
he's wearing his
grandmother's old pantaloons.
I shall have one thing
unstained above all others,
and that is...
my white plume.
Hey, hey, come on, come on.
Cut it out, huh?
I like the way he looks.
Hey, Arnold, would you like to
go to the junior prom with me?
All right, cut it out, you guys.
Listen, I'm supposed to
be the greatest swordsman
in all France.
And I'm supposed to be the
fairest flower in all of France.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you look like
ragweed to me, honey.
Mr. Kotter, I am
a serious actress.
I do not have to stand for this.
I'm gonna go to my dressing
room and have a tantrum!
Hey, who does she think she is?
Tantrum O'Neal?
Why did you guys come in
here to disrupt our rehearsal?
We sweathogs.
It's our job.
Well, I, for one, do not
welcome your presence.
I was just getting into my part.
I don't think they
understand, Mr. Kotter.
Hey, what's there to understand?
You look like you should
be right in the middle of
a Rothschild.
That's it, Mr. Kotter.
Wait, wait.
I got one more.
No, Vinnie, no more!
Hey, look, I'm trying to
do something for all of us,
and this is the thanks I get?
I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter.
You can't take a joke?
Hey, Pinocchio, come back.
Where are you going, Pinocchio?
All right, all right, all right!
You guys happy now?
We didn't do nothing.
We didn't do nothing now.
You know how sensitive
actors are, just can't take a little
destructive
criticism, that's all.
Look, Mr. Kotter, we're sorry.
We're gonna find him.
Hey, we looked
everywhere, Mr. Kotter.
Didn't see Arnold
no place all day.
Yeah, we called his house
ten times, no one answered.
How could you call his house?
He doesn't have a phone.
Oh, no wonder
there was no answer.
Why don't you go over there?
We did... we went over
there, but nobody was home.
So, we went in through the
window and watched a little TV.
I took a bath, and
Vinnie made a sandwich.
I don't believe you guys.
That's where he
lives, not a Holiday Inn.
Your best friend is missing
and what do you do?
You go where he lives,
and you raid his refrigerator.
Come on, I didn't
raid his refrigerator.
Vinnie raided the refrigerator.
I took a bath-personal
hygiene, you know?
Hey, Mr. Kotter-hey,
look, we all real sorry
on the way we came
down on Arnold.
I mean we really are.
We had no idea how important
this play really was to him.
Look, guys, it was important to
him because he thought he was
doing something
for the sweathogs.
Now you made me feel bad.
Yeah, me, too.
I feel real bad, but
at least I'm clean.
I guess that's it.
I guess we better just go tell
Woodman that we're out of it.
Unless... unless we can
get somebody to substitute
for Horshack. All right.
Somebody suave.
Yeah.
Somebody romantic.
Oh, yeah.
Somebody Italian.
Somebody who
has a flair for words.
What?
You, on stage in two
hours for Horshack.
Now, wait a second.
Now, wait a second now.
My client here, he can't
work without a contract.
So, you're his agent?
That's right, I represent him.
Why don't you just step
into my office over here.
We gotta negotiate.
Now, what I'm talking about
here, I'm talking about a house
in Beverly Hills.
I'm talking about a pool, I'm
talking about a limo service,
I'm talking about a
maid named Esther.
Epstein, let's not haggle.
Here's the deal-you go
out and try to find Horshack,
or I stuff you in
your gym locker.
Hey, that sounds fair to me.
That's a good deal.
Okay, we don't have much time.
Here you go, Vinnie,
page 46, right over here.
Freddie, you can play Roxane.
Me?
Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Kotter.
Now, I know I'm a lot of
things, but the fairest flower
of all France I ain't.
Come on, Freddie,
we gotta get to it.
Here you go. Come on, man.
Now, you go up here.
You're on your balcony.
This is where Cyrano
goes to Roxane's balcony.
Go ahead.
Take it away, Cyrano.
Stella!
Stella!
Vinnie, this is
Roxane, not Stella.
Hey, look, Mr. Kotter,
I ain't Roxane, and I
ain't Stella, all right?
I'm Freddie,
Freddie, you got it?
Freddie.
Okay, okay, I got it.
Freddie!
Freddie!
Alright look,
this is ridiculous.
Okay, now, you're Cyrano.
You want to get Roxane to
let you come up on the balcony
so you can kiss her, all right?
That's your motivation.
That's it.
I ain't no Roxane,
and I ain't no Stella.
Blah!
All right, let's
forget about him.
I'll play Roxane.
You try and come on my balcony.
No way.
I'm dying Egypt, dying.
Only I hear importune death
a while, until many thousand
kisses, I lay upon thy lips.
That was Maxine Biffin.
And the death scene
from Shakespeare's
"Antony and Cleopatra.”
Maxine, of course,
was playing Antony.
Thank you, Maxine.
Uh, Maxine, you can get up.
Mr. Woodman, I'm dead, remember?
Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter,
it's curtain time.
Where's Vinnie?
Don't worry, Judy.
I'm worried, Freddie...
where's Vinnie?
Yeah, yeah, I
know you're worried.
But, see, we looked for
Vinnie, and we couldn't find him
no place.
Everybody just
take it easy, okay?
Epstein, he
guarantees his clients.
All right, you guarantee
your clients, Epstein-well,
it's about time
for him to go on.
Now where is he?
Anybody open their
mouth, and I'll run through it.
Look who's here,
Lawrence of Arabia.
Hey, Roxane, eat my plumes.
Hey, you look fantastic.
Great.
Yeah, you're about the
tenth person who told me that.
Tenth?
Yeah.
The others were a bunch of
Marines on Ocean Parkway.
Yeah, but, did you find Arnold?
No, but I ran into
Dolores Delvecchio.
I think it's over between us.
Okay, Vinnie, look.
All right, now, you know
what you have to do.
No, I already did that
before I put on my tights.
Now our final contestants
are Judy Borden
and Vincent
Barbarino in the scene
from Cyrano de Bergerac.
We'd appreciate it if you'd
throw the lettuce first...
then the eggs and tomatoes,
but please save the dressing for
last 'cause it makes
a better salad.
I've got the anchovies.
Is it you, Cyrano?
Yeah, it's me.
We couldn't find
Arnold, remember?
Vinnie.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We were speaking
of a kiss, Cyrano.
When?
Vinnie, Vinnie.
Vinnie, kiss.
The word is sweet.
Kiss.
The word is sweet.
I do not see why
you should not try it.
Eeesh.
You don't believe me?
Ask Debbie.
Hey, Debbie, my kisses
are delicious, right?
Hey, Sharon, I didn't know
you was coming today.
Vinnie... the play,
get to the play.
Vinnie.
I gotta get to this play.
I'll see you later.
Makin me crazy.
Now, where were we?
You are making this
the most humiliating,
embarrassing experience
of my entire life.
Good.
Let's keep going.
Be serious, Vinnie.
All right, all right.
A kiss-when all
is said, what is it?
A wish, which longs
to be confirmed.
A moment of infinity,
humming like a bee.
Vinnie!
Look at me, look at me!
A communion,
tasting the flowers.
Whatever that means.
And a way of breathing
in a little of your heart...
Vinnie!
I'm acting... leave me alone.
And tasting a little of your
soul with the edge of my lips.
Stella!
♪♪
Vinnie, you were great.
Vinnie, you were fantastic.
Yeah, you were swell.
You were wonderful, sweetheart.
Just sign right over here.
Look, I got you a booking.
It's gonna be on the
“Gong Show,” okay?
My people will call your people.
We'll have lunch, sweetheart.
Wait a minute, I
wanna talk to you.
Vinnie, Vinnie, come on.
Go back on stage.
Oh, come on, I
gotta do it again?
No, take a bow.
Go ahead.
Oh, all right.
My number-555-3281.
Dan, get the number from Susan.
Susan, Dan's gonna
call you, all right?
Charlene, meet me in my
dressing room after this.
Mr. Kotter, I will never
be able to show my
face in that school again.
Judy, could you
put that in writing?
Oh, shut up, Boom Boom!
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Hey, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of what all
you guys did for Arnold.
Yeah, me, too.
Wait a minute.
Hey, man, that's right.
Arnold-we still ain't found him.
Yeah, I kinda feel
bad, you know?
Like a crumb.
This should've been
Arnold's moment.
Where could he be?
I don't know, but I think
it's something more serious
than the play.
But what?
♪♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
♪ Where the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have
remained and they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
'cause we've got
him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back
welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ We always could
spot a friend ♪♪
my uncle, who was a skin diver?
No.
Go ahead, tell me about him.
His name was Mike Nelson Kotter.
One day he buys all this
new equipment and decides
to try it out, right?
So he goes down
20 feet into the ocean,
sees this guy come down
20 feet with no equipment.
So, my uncle goes down 40 feet.
He says, "I'll show this guy ."
Guy comes down
40 feet, no equipment.
My uncle can't believe it.
He takes his little slate out,
he says, "What are you doing
down 40 feet with no equipment?"
Guy grabs the
slate, writes back,
“You jerk, I'm drowning .”
♪♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back to that same
old place that you laughed about ♪
♪ Where the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have
remained and they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'cause we've got
him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back welcome back ♪♪
All right, all right, all right.
Now, did everybody do what they
were supposed to do last night?
Yeah, Mr. Kotter,
I did what I was supposed to do.
But then it was too late to
do homework after she left.
That's a bad Vinnie Barbarino.
You're bad, bad.
You're bad.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Yes yes, Arnold.
I did my homework, Mr. Kotter.
Well, that's a good boy.
Isn't he a good Arnold Horshack?
But that Vincent
Barbarino, he's bad!
You're bad!
Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Hey, hey, hey.
Cool it, Mr. Kotter.
Don't you tell
Mr. Kotter, “Cool it .”
You know what you are?
You're bad.
Just 'cause my jokes aren't
funny and they don't make people
laugh, you're bad.
You're bad, bad.
What about me, Juan?
You're such a good boy.
Isn't he a good boy?
All right, sit down, Epstein.
Hey, hey, hey,
where are you going?
I gotta go out and shave first.
I'll shave you.
Hey.
Here, take this
home, put it in water,
and in three weeks
you'll have a full beard.
Sit down.
Okay.
I have an announcement
regarding extracurricular activities.
The answer's forget it.
We ain't interested.
I didn't say what it was yet.
Give the man a chance.
What is it, Mr. Kotter?
It's about the school
drama festival.
Forget it.
We ain't interested.
Well, now, wait a minute.
Some of us would
like to hear more.
Thank you, Arnold.
What we would have to do
would be a scene from play,
and I will volunteer to direct.
Acting is so dumb, you know it?
Going around pretending
you're somebody else.
Ridiculous.
Vinnie.
Vinnie, when I walked in
here, Epstein was acting.
He was pretending to be me.
So what?
Epstein does a
lot of weird things.
Yes, that's true.
I have just been informed
that Epstein put Jell-O in
the birdbath yesterday to
watch the birds bounce around.
We'll talk about
that later, Epstein.
Okay, right now, who wants
to take a crack at acting?
Oh, you wanna see acting?
Arnold Horshack
will show you acting.
Yeah.
Oh... never have I
seen such golden locks.
Indeed, it is the sun itself.
That's very good, Arnold.
Golden locks, was
that from Shakespeare?
No, it's from
“Charlie's Angels.”
I can do better than that.
Hey, Mr. Kotter,
you remember that scene
between Katharine Hepburn
and Sidney Poitiers in
“Guess Who's Out to Lunch”?
That's, uh... That's
Sidney Poitier.
Right, Poitiers.
Okay, remember when
Miss Hepburn said to Sidney,
"So, you're planning
to marry my daughter?
That is a coincidence,
for I am planning to marry
Harry Belafonte.”
Acting is simple.
Watch this.
I'll do something for you.
Stella!
Stella!
Who am I?
Some weird guy named “Stella .”
Wait, I'll do it one more
time for you, then you guess.
Stella!
Stella!
I could've been a contender.
You just confused
two of my movies.
You show me no
respect when you do that.
Do that again, I call
Clemenza, Barzini, Provolone,
Spumoni and
linguini in clam sauce.
Who are you doing?
Marlon Brando.
I was doing John Wayne.
Well, I do not know about
the others, Mr. Kotter,
but I am very seriously
interested in our school play.
Hey, stop it, stop it.
Stop it.
I'm proud of you, Arnold.
You know you'd be terrific
in “Cyrano de Bergerac.”
Oh, yeah, wasn't he the
guy with the mile-long nose?
Arnold, wait a minute.
Don't worry.
You know, if you get the part,
maybe we can shorten yours.
Cyrano was much
more than a big nose.
In fact, he was one of
the greatest romantics
in all of literature.
He used to hide behind the
bushes just to talk to girls.
I got an uncle serving
five to ten for doing that.
Come on, come on, Mr. Kotter,
tell us more about
this Cyrano person.
Well, Arnold, Cyrano was in love
with a beautiful named "Roxane."
But, alas, she was in
love with someone else.
Oh, well, that's it, Mr. Kotter.
It's the Arnold Horshack story.
Right.
From this moment on, Cyrano
de Bergerac shall be known as
“Cyrano de Horshack”"
♪♪
Mr. Woodman, I don't
wanna be on the same stage
as a sweathog.
I don't even wanna be on the
same planet as a sweat hog.
Well, do what I do-when
I'm in that classroom, I think of
myself as a missionary
among savages in New Guinea.
You can almost hear the drums.
Water boiling in a giant
pot, and they grab me,
and they drag me
over to their chief.
He has curly hair
and a big mustache.
He's about to tell me a joke.
“No,” I begged him,
“Please, throw me into the pot!
Throw me into the pot”"
Mr. Woodman, get
a hold of yourself.
It's okay, it's okay.
I was away for a
while, but I'm back.
I'm sorry, Judy, but Principal
Lazarus insists that we balance
the underachievers
with an overachiever.
Kotter, here's my Roxane.
Oh, hi, Judy.
Hi, Mr. Kotter.
Where's your Cyrano?
Mr. Woodman, I have
found a young man
with a sensitivity of a
poet, the grace of a dancer,
and the voice of a...
I shall clap my hands
three times, o' full moon.
The voice of a wounded goat.
Three times, o' full moon.
At the third, you will be...
Putting a sword in the
hands of a sweathog?
You're mad, Kotter, mad!
Principal Lazarus, he's
arming the sweathogs.
Call out the National Guard!
Don't worry about Mr. Woodman.
His mother was
frightened by a shish kabob.
Okay, Judy, Arnold will
be playing opposite you.
I'd rather be stuck
in a shopping cart
and run through a car wash.
You know, Judy, Evel
Knievel just called.
He wants to know if
he can jump your mouth.
All right, all right.
Cut it out, you two.
You both read the play, right?
Okay, let's take it from,
“Au du faire, Roxane.”
Do it, Arnold.
Au du faire, Roxane.
Uh...
Yuck!
His nose is cold.
It just means he's healthy.
Come on, pick it up, Arnold.
Okay, uh, I am only a shadow,
and you are a gleam of light.
You have no idea what
these moments mean to me.
And, tonight, when I
enter into the house of God,
I shall have one thing...
Hey, Arnold, who are
you supposed to be,
Florence of Arabia?
And, tonight, when I
enter into the house of God,
I shall have one
thing... Vinnie.
Hey, Vinnie, I think
he's wearing his
grandmother's old pantaloons.
I shall have one thing
unstained above all others,
and that is...
my white plume.
Hey, hey, come on, come on.
Cut it out, huh?
I like the way he looks.
Hey, Arnold, would you like to
go to the junior prom with me?
All right, cut it out, you guys.
Listen, I'm supposed to
be the greatest swordsman
in all France.
And I'm supposed to be the
fairest flower in all of France.
Oh, yeah?
Well, you look like
ragweed to me, honey.
Mr. Kotter, I am
a serious actress.
I do not have to stand for this.
I'm gonna go to my dressing
room and have a tantrum!
Hey, who does she think she is?
Tantrum O'Neal?
Why did you guys come in
here to disrupt our rehearsal?
We sweathogs.
It's our job.
Well, I, for one, do not
welcome your presence.
I was just getting into my part.
I don't think they
understand, Mr. Kotter.
Hey, what's there to understand?
You look like you should
be right in the middle of
a Rothschild.
That's it, Mr. Kotter.
Wait, wait.
I got one more.
No, Vinnie, no more!
Hey, look, I'm trying to
do something for all of us,
and this is the thanks I get?
I'm sorry, Mr. Kotter.
You can't take a joke?
Hey, Pinocchio, come back.
Where are you going, Pinocchio?
All right, all right, all right!
You guys happy now?
We didn't do nothing.
We didn't do nothing now.
You know how sensitive
actors are, just can't take a little
destructive
criticism, that's all.
Look, Mr. Kotter, we're sorry.
We're gonna find him.
Hey, we looked
everywhere, Mr. Kotter.
Didn't see Arnold
no place all day.
Yeah, we called his house
ten times, no one answered.
How could you call his house?
He doesn't have a phone.
Oh, no wonder
there was no answer.
Why don't you go over there?
We did... we went over
there, but nobody was home.
So, we went in through the
window and watched a little TV.
I took a bath, and
Vinnie made a sandwich.
I don't believe you guys.
That's where he
lives, not a Holiday Inn.
Your best friend is missing
and what do you do?
You go where he lives,
and you raid his refrigerator.
Come on, I didn't
raid his refrigerator.
Vinnie raided the refrigerator.
I took a bath-personal
hygiene, you know?
Hey, Mr. Kotter-hey,
look, we all real sorry
on the way we came
down on Arnold.
I mean we really are.
We had no idea how important
this play really was to him.
Look, guys, it was important to
him because he thought he was
doing something
for the sweathogs.
Now you made me feel bad.
Yeah, me, too.
I feel real bad, but
at least I'm clean.
I guess that's it.
I guess we better just go tell
Woodman that we're out of it.
Unless... unless we can
get somebody to substitute
for Horshack. All right.
Somebody suave.
Yeah.
Somebody romantic.
Oh, yeah.
Somebody Italian.
Somebody who
has a flair for words.
What?
You, on stage in two
hours for Horshack.
Now, wait a second.
Now, wait a second now.
My client here, he can't
work without a contract.
So, you're his agent?
That's right, I represent him.
Why don't you just step
into my office over here.
We gotta negotiate.
Now, what I'm talking about
here, I'm talking about a house
in Beverly Hills.
I'm talking about a pool, I'm
talking about a limo service,
I'm talking about a
maid named Esther.
Epstein, let's not haggle.
Here's the deal-you go
out and try to find Horshack,
or I stuff you in
your gym locker.
Hey, that sounds fair to me.
That's a good deal.
Okay, we don't have much time.
Here you go, Vinnie,
page 46, right over here.
Freddie, you can play Roxane.
Me?
Hey, wait a minute, Mr. Kotter.
Now, I know I'm a lot of
things, but the fairest flower
of all France I ain't.
Come on, Freddie,
we gotta get to it.
Here you go. Come on, man.
Now, you go up here.
You're on your balcony.
This is where Cyrano
goes to Roxane's balcony.
Go ahead.
Take it away, Cyrano.
Stella!
Stella!
Vinnie, this is
Roxane, not Stella.
Hey, look, Mr. Kotter,
I ain't Roxane, and I
ain't Stella, all right?
I'm Freddie,
Freddie, you got it?
Freddie.
Okay, okay, I got it.
Freddie!
Freddie!
Alright look,
this is ridiculous.
Okay, now, you're Cyrano.
You want to get Roxane to
let you come up on the balcony
so you can kiss her, all right?
That's your motivation.
That's it.
I ain't no Roxane,
and I ain't no Stella.
Blah!
All right, let's
forget about him.
I'll play Roxane.
You try and come on my balcony.
No way.
I'm dying Egypt, dying.
Only I hear importune death
a while, until many thousand
kisses, I lay upon thy lips.
That was Maxine Biffin.
And the death scene
from Shakespeare's
"Antony and Cleopatra.”
Maxine, of course,
was playing Antony.
Thank you, Maxine.
Uh, Maxine, you can get up.
Mr. Woodman, I'm dead, remember?
Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter,
it's curtain time.
Where's Vinnie?
Don't worry, Judy.
I'm worried, Freddie...
where's Vinnie?
Yeah, yeah, I
know you're worried.
But, see, we looked for
Vinnie, and we couldn't find him
no place.
Everybody just
take it easy, okay?
Epstein, he
guarantees his clients.
All right, you guarantee
your clients, Epstein-well,
it's about time
for him to go on.
Now where is he?
Anybody open their
mouth, and I'll run through it.
Look who's here,
Lawrence of Arabia.
Hey, Roxane, eat my plumes.
Hey, you look fantastic.
Great.
Yeah, you're about the
tenth person who told me that.
Tenth?
Yeah.
The others were a bunch of
Marines on Ocean Parkway.
Yeah, but, did you find Arnold?
No, but I ran into
Dolores Delvecchio.
I think it's over between us.
Okay, Vinnie, look.
All right, now, you know
what you have to do.
No, I already did that
before I put on my tights.
Now our final contestants
are Judy Borden
and Vincent
Barbarino in the scene
from Cyrano de Bergerac.
We'd appreciate it if you'd
throw the lettuce first...
then the eggs and tomatoes,
but please save the dressing for
last 'cause it makes
a better salad.
I've got the anchovies.
Is it you, Cyrano?
Yeah, it's me.
We couldn't find
Arnold, remember?
Vinnie.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
We were speaking
of a kiss, Cyrano.
When?
Vinnie, Vinnie.
Vinnie, kiss.
The word is sweet.
Kiss.
The word is sweet.
I do not see why
you should not try it.
Eeesh.
You don't believe me?
Ask Debbie.
Hey, Debbie, my kisses
are delicious, right?
Hey, Sharon, I didn't know
you was coming today.
Vinnie... the play,
get to the play.
Vinnie.
I gotta get to this play.
I'll see you later.
Makin me crazy.
Now, where were we?
You are making this
the most humiliating,
embarrassing experience
of my entire life.
Good.
Let's keep going.
Be serious, Vinnie.
All right, all right.
A kiss-when all
is said, what is it?
A wish, which longs
to be confirmed.
A moment of infinity,
humming like a bee.
Vinnie!
Look at me, look at me!
A communion,
tasting the flowers.
Whatever that means.
And a way of breathing
in a little of your heart...
Vinnie!
I'm acting... leave me alone.
And tasting a little of your
soul with the edge of my lips.
Stella!
♪♪
Vinnie, you were great.
Vinnie, you were fantastic.
Yeah, you were swell.
You were wonderful, sweetheart.
Just sign right over here.
Look, I got you a booking.
It's gonna be on the
“Gong Show,” okay?
My people will call your people.
We'll have lunch, sweetheart.
Wait a minute, I
wanna talk to you.
Vinnie, Vinnie, come on.
Go back on stage.
Oh, come on, I
gotta do it again?
No, take a bow.
Go ahead.
Oh, all right.
My number-555-3281.
Dan, get the number from Susan.
Susan, Dan's gonna
call you, all right?
Charlene, meet me in my
dressing room after this.
Mr. Kotter, I will never
be able to show my
face in that school again.
Judy, could you
put that in writing?
Oh, shut up, Boom Boom!
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Vinnie, Vinnie?
Hey, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of what all
you guys did for Arnold.
Yeah, me, too.
Wait a minute.
Hey, man, that's right.
Arnold-we still ain't found him.
Yeah, I kinda feel
bad, you know?
Like a crumb.
This should've been
Arnold's moment.
Where could he be?
I don't know, but I think
it's something more serious
than the play.
But what?
♪♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
that you laughed about ♪
♪ Where the names have all
changed since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams have
remained and they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
they'd lead you ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
'cause we've got
him on the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back
welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ We always could
spot a friend ♪♪