Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 17 - Chicken a la Kotter - full transcript
Gabe finds himself short of cash. So he gets a job but he doesn't Julie what it is. She sees him go out with a suitcase. She then confronts him and he opens the suitcase and she sees what's in it; a chicken suit. He got a job at a chicken restaurant that requires him to wear a chicken suit. And when his students and Woodman come in, he wonders if it's worth it.
JULIE, I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT
MY UNCLE SOCRATES KOTTER?
NO, BUT I HAVE A
FEELING YOU WILL.
YES, IN FACT I'M
GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW.
MY UNCLE SOCRATES KOTTER
CAME FROM HIS NEIGHBORHOOD
IN CHICAGO WHERE
IT WAS THE FASHION
TO NAME ALL THEIR KIDS
AFTER FAMOUS GREEKS.
IN FACT, HIS BEST FRIEND'S
NAME WAS EURIPIDES FELDMAN.
EURIPIDES FELDMAN.
THAT WAS THE GUY'S NAME.
AND THEY WERE BOSOM BUDDIES.
THEY WENT EVERYWHERE TOGETHER,
BUT YOU KNOW, THEY
GREW UP, THE SEPARATED,
AND THEY HADN'T SEEN EACH
OTHER FOR ABOUT 20 YEARS.
NOW, MY UNCLE SOCRATES
OPENED UP THIS TAILOR STORE
IN CHICAGO AND ONE
DAY THIS GUY WALKS IN,
HE'S GOT A PAIR
OF PANTS WITH HIM,
AND HE LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE EURIPIDES FELDMAN
HE HASN'T SEEN FOR 20 YEARS!
AND MY UNCLE THROWS
UP HIS HANDS, HE SAYS,
"EURIPIDES!"
THE GUY HANDS HIM THE
PAIR OF PANTS AND SAYS,
"YEAH, YOU MENDA THESE?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
HI HONEY, HOW'D YOU
MAKE OUT AT THE DENTIST?
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE THING
THEY CALL AN ABSCESS.
ONE OF YOUR TEETH IS ABSCESSED?
NO, THREE.
IT'S AN EPIDEMIC.
THEY MUST BE GIVING
IT TO EACH OTHER.
HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WELL, I HAVE THREE CHOICES.
I CAN HAVE ROOT
CANAL DONE FOR $1200,
I CAN HAVE 'EM
ALL PULLED FOR $50,
I CAN GO DOWN TO
MR. SCHMIEL, THE SUPER,
TELL HIM HIS WIFE LOOKS
LIKE AN OLD POTATO
AND HAVE THEM
KNOCKED OUT FOR FREE.
GABE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY!
ASK ME WHAT I'M DOING
WITH THESE ENVELOPES?
YOU BECAME PEN PALS WITH CHINA?
NO, I GET FIVE DOLLARS FOR
EVERY THOUSAND I STUFF.
WHAT ARE YOU STUFFING IN THERE?
THESE ARE SAMPLES OF
POLYESTER LEISURE SUITS.
YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE THIS,
BUT YOU CAN WASH THAT 100 TIMES
AND IT WILL LOOK
EXACTLY LIKE THIS.
AMAZING.
THAT 'CAUSE IT LOOKS
LIKE IT'S BEEN WASHED
100 TIMES!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST CALL ONE OF THOSE
FINANCE COMPANIES?
YOU KIDDING? THE KIND THAT
ADVERTISES ON TELEVISION
WITH THOSE TESTIMONIALS
FROM PEOPLE?
- YEAH.
- I NEED A LOAN.
A FRIEND RECOMMENDED
BONDAGE FINANCE.
IT WAS SO SIMPLE I
COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
I JUST PICKED UP THE PHONE
AND DIALED THE WORDS, "PAY UP."
GABE, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST CALL AND SEE
IF YOU ARE QUALIFIED.
GO AHEAD!
ALL RIGHT, I DON'T BELIEVE...
I DON'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS.
YOU WANT ME TO CALL?
ALL RIGHT I'LL CALL, OKAY?
I NEVER DID ANYTHING
LIKE THIS BEFORE
IN MY LIFE.
HELLO? YEAH.
JUST A SECOND.
IT WORKED, I DIALED "PAY UP"
THERE'S A GUY ON THE PHONE.
AMAZING.
UH, YES, I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT
ABOUT GETTING A $1200 LOAN.
FOR MY TEETH.
HE'S TRANSFERRING ME TO
THE GUY IN CHARGE OF TEETH.
YES, I'D LIKE TO FIND
OUT ABOUT... I NEED $1200.
I'M A TEACHER.
ASK HIM IF YOU
QUALIFY, GO AHEAD!
I WILL AS SOON AS HE
STOPS LAUGHING, ALL RIGHT?
UH, YES, UH, WHAT? MY ASSETS?
WELL, I'M A FUN GUY AND UH,
I GOT A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.
AND I'M EASY TO DANCE TO.
LISTEN, IF I BORROW $1200,
HOW MUCH WOULD I HAVE
TO PAY EVERY MONTH?
$110 A MONTH FOR A YEAR?
AND WHAT?
FIRST BORN SON?
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
BUH-BYE.
WELL?
NOW WHAT?
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK
THAT'S TOO HOT A PLACE.
I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF
COMPANY HAS A SLOGAN,
"WE'LL GIVE YOU A
PIECE OF THE ROCK
THROUGH YOUR WINDOW"?
ANDERSON.
ANDERSON!
ANDERSON IS HERE! ANDERSON.
ALL RIGHT!
BARBARINO.
BARBARINO!
BOY, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
I KNOW IT LIKE I KNOW
MY OWN NAME, YOU KNOW?
EXCUSE ME, MR. KOTTER!
HOW COME YOU ARE TALKING
WITHOUT MOVING YOUR MOUTH?
I AM REALLY A VENTRILOQUIST
AND MY DUMMY
JUST PHONED IN SICK.
HUH?
OH, COME ON!
HEY, MR. KOTTER, YOU OKAY?
I JUST HAD A PROBLEM
WITH MY TEETH.
OH YEAH?
WHAT'S THE OTHER GUY LOOK LIKE?
IT WASN'T A FIGHT, EPSTEIN.
I HAD TO GET MY
TEETH FIXED OTHERWISE
I WOULD HAVE TO
LEARN TO LIKE JELL-O.
NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
COME UP WITH THE MONEY
TO PAY FOR IT.
COME ON, MR. KOTTER, I
MEAN THERE'S LOTS OF WAYS
TO MAKE EXTRA MONEY.
HEY, I UNDERSTAND THAT
THE MARINES ARE LOOKING
FOR A FEW GOOD MEN.
PLEASE DON'T ANYBODY
TELL THEM WHERE I AM.
TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO!
YOU LAY A LITTLE OF
YOUR BREAD ON ME,
AND I'LL INVEST IT IN YOU IN
MY PHONY NOTE BUSINESS.
IT'S MY BIG SEASON
COMING UP: MID-TERMS.
AND IF I COULD OFFER A
NOTE WITH YOUR SIGNATURE,
GONZO, WE'D GO
THROUGH THE CEILING!
I COULD SEE IT!
WE CAN GO NATIONAL!
EPSTEIN'S NOTE BUSINESS:
WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH
TO FORGE THE VERY BEST.
OH YEAH, YEAH, I LIKE
IT, I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT.
SIT DOWN EPSTEIN!
OKAY, I GOT A BETTER
IDEA, ALL RIGHT?
YOU HOLD THE RAFFLE
FOR ALL THE GIRLS, RIGHT?
AND THE WINNER GETS TO
GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.
WHAT DOES THE
LOSER GET, TWO DATES?
OOOH.
MR. KOTTER, THERE IS NOTHING
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
THAT I WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.
IF YOU LIKE, I WILL
EVEN SELL MY BODY
TO MEDICAL SCIENCE.
THANK YOU ARNOLD, BUT
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
OH.
WELL, THEN HOW
ABOUT IF I SELL SOME
OF THE PARTS I DON'T USE?
YEAH, LIKE YOUR HEAD.
ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU TOMORROW.
STAY MELLOW, MAN.
- TAKE IT EASY.
- BUH-BYE.
BE BRAVE LITTLE BUCKAROO!
CAR WASH EMPLOYEE.
MUST ENJOY STANDING IN WATER.
HEARSE DRIVER.
SHOULD NOT MIND
DRIVING ALONE... SORT OF.
YOU NOT PLANNING ON
MOONLIGHTING, ARE YOU KOTTER?
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
FROWNS ON THAT.
THE TEACHER'S SALARY
IS QUITE SUFFICIENT
FOR HIS NEEDS.
OH SURE, MR. WHITMAN.
UNLESS THE TEACHER
WANTS TO INDULGE IN CERTAIN
LUXURIES, LIKE CHEWING.
TAKE THOSE MARBLES OUT
OF YOUR MOUTH, KOTTER.
I CAN'T, THREE OF MY
MARBLES ARE HAVING
ROOT CANALS.
WELL, I'M LUCKY, I HAVE
NO TROUBLE WITH MY TEETH.
UNLESS THEY FALL
OUT OF THE GLASS
WHERE I KEEP THEM AT NIGHT.
MR. WHITMAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
YOU DON'T MAKE
MUCH MORE THAN I DO,
HOW DO YOU MAKE ENDS MEET?
MY ENDS HAVE NEVER MET, KOTTER.
THAT'S WHY I LOOK THE WAY I DO.
LOOK AT ME, KOTTER.
THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA LOOK LIKE IN 30 YEARS.
PLEASE, MR. WHITMAN,
I'M IN ENOUGH PAIN TODAY.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
BY THE TIME I GET MY CHECK,
I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH
FOR NECESSITIES.
I MEAN, FORGET
ABOUT THINGS LIKE FUN.
FUN, KOTTER?
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT FUN.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN FUN!
THERE'S HARD WORK,
SACRIFICE, AND REVENGE!
VERY SICK MAN.
BALD HEADED MAN WANTED
FOR TV COMMERCIAL.
MUST ENJOY GETTING HEAD
SHINE WITH STEEL WOOL.
NO WEIRDOES PLEASE.
MR. KOTTER, WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT IT,
AND WE'D REALLY
LIKE TO HELP YOU.
YEAH, WE DON'T LIKE
SEEING YOU IN PAIN.
UNLESS OF COURSE, WE CAUSE IT.
ANYWAY, WE POOLED ALL
OUR MONEY TOGETHER,
YOU KNOW, ALL OUR SAVINGS?
WE GOT FIVE DOLLARS
AND 72 CENTS, YUP.
AND... CHICLET.
AIN'T MUCH, BUT IT'S
A START, YOU KNOW?
THANKS A LOT, GUYS,
BUT I DON'T THINK
I'M GONNA NEED IT.
LISTEN TO THIS:
OPENING FOR A TALLER
MAN WITH SENSE OF HUMOR,
EXPERIENCE IN PUBLIC RELATIONS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB.
JUST IN CASE.
STAY MELLOW FELLOW.
TAKE IT EASY, ALL RIGHT?
TALK TO YOU LATER.
HEY, YOUR MONEY, YOU FORGOT
YOUR $5 AND YOUR CHICLET!
OW!
JULIE, GOTTA GO TO WORK.
SEE YOU LATER, HUH?
GOODBYE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY?
EVERY NIGHT THIS
WEEK YOU'VE GONE OUT
WITH THAT SUITCASE,
YOU WON'T TELL ME
WHAT'S IN IT, YOU WON'T TELL ME
WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
JULIE, I TOLD YOU I HAVE
A PUBLIC RELATIONS JOB
WITH A RESTAURANT FIRM.
NOW, I ONLY NEED TO HAVE
IT A COUPLE MORE WEEKS.
THIS IS JUST STUFF
I NEED FOR THE JOB.
IT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH
YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR,
BUT YOU'RE FLAUNTING IT!
I MEAN, I KNOW THAT
I'M FROM NEBRASKA,
AND MAYBE... MAYBE
I'M A LITTLE SQUARE.
BUT A SUITCASE!
WHAT IS SHE, SOME
SORT OF STRANGE-O?
WHAT DO YOU NEED A
SUITCASE FOR, GABE?
WELL, YOU WANNA
KNOW WHAT'S IN IT?
YEAH.
BATTERIES AND AN
ELECTRIC WETSUIT.
WELL, WHERE DID YOU MEET HER?
AT GENERAL ELECTRIC FREAK-OUT?
JULIE, I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
I BET I KNOW, IT'S THAT STRANGE
HYGIENE TEACHER FROM SCHOOL!
YOU KNOW, I KNOW
SOMETHING ABOUT HER
THAT YOU DON'T KNOW.
SHE GOES ON CONSCIOUSNESS
RAISING WEEKENDS
TO THE CATSKILLS
WHERE ALL THEY DO
FOR THREE NIGHTS AND TWO DAYS
IS PLAY GOLF IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!
JULIE, I'M NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR.
I GOTTA GO TO WORK.
SEE YOU LATER.
GABE!
WHAT'S IN THE SUITCASE?!
ALL RIGHT, I WAS TRYING
TO SPARE YOU THIS,
BUT YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT'S IN THE SUITCASE?
- YEAH.
- HERE.
TELL ME I DIDN'T
SEE WHAT I JUST SAW.
I SAW WHAT I JUST SAW.
YOU SATISFIED?
HONEY, I WOULD RATHER
YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
♪
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AND WELCOME TO THE GRAND
OPENING OF MR. CHICKEN NUMBER 17!
AND YES, NOW IS THE TIME
YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
AS ADVERTISED, AND
AS IS THE PRACTICE
OF EVERY MR. CHICKEN'S
GRAND OPENING,
WE HAVE A VISIT FROM THAT
MERRY CLUCKER HIMSELF!
THAT DEEP, FAT FRIED SUCKER
WITH THE PLUCK PLUCK PUCKER
JUST FOR YOU, HERE HE IS:
CAPTAIN CHICKEN!
CAPTAIN CHICKEN IS HERE!
CAP'N CHICKEN'S HERE!
CAP'N CHICKEN'S HERE!
AND NOW CAPTAIN CHICKEN
WILL MAKE THE OPENING SPEECH
AND WILL PERSONALLY
WAIT ON YOU AT YOUR TABLES.
LISTEN, CAN YOU
WAIT A LITTLE BIT
BECAUSE THERE'S NOT
MANY PEOPLE HERE.
I'D LIKE, YOU KNOW, MORE PEOPLE.
HEY, LOOK, I DON'T CARE HOW MANY
PEOPLE ARE HERE, YOU GO
OUT AND DO THAT SPEECH
OR YOU'LL BE
LOOKING AT A FAT BEAK.
COME ON, MAKE WITH
THE CLUCK CLUCK.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT
THERE AND CLUCK YOURSELF?
GET OUT THERE, TURKEY!
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOYS AND GIRLS,
WELCOME TO THE OPENING
OF MR. CHICKEN NUMBER 17!
CAPTAIN CHICKEN'S HERE TO
PERSONALLY GREET ALL OF YOU.
AND REMEMBER, WE
HAVE GAMES AND PRIZES
LIKE THE PERSON WHO
CAN GUESS HOW MANY
WISHBONES ARE IN THIS
LITTLE FISH BOWL HERE
AND WIN A FREE DINNER!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS,
THEY'RE NOT EVEN
PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.
HEY, LOOK, FELLA,
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I MEAN, FOR A LIVING.
I'M A TEACHER.
BEAUTIFUL.
THEY SENT ME ANOTHER TEACHER.
YOU GUYS ARE ALL ALIKE,
I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD
TO DRESS UP LIKE A CHICKEN
AND GO OUT THERE AND
CLUCK FOR PEOPLE, DON'T YOU?
OF COURSE I DO.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, TEACHER.
I NEVER WENT TO NO COLLEGE.
I WORKED SIX YEARS
IN THIS BUSINESS
BEFORE I GOT TO WEAR A
SUIT WITHOUT FEATHERS.
I WAS AROUND HERE
DURING THE TOUGH YEARS.
I WORKED TURKEY JOINTS
DURING THE CRANBERRY SCARE.
I WORKED UNDER THE
NAME OF DICKEY DRUMSTICK
IN THOSE DAYS.
NOW, GET ON OUT THERE!
AT THE OTHER OPENINGS,
THERE WAS MORE PEOPLE...
KIDS, KIDS LIKE THIS.
CAN WE WAIT TILL WE
GET SOME KIDS THERE?
I MEAN, LOOK AT
THOSE TWO PEOPLE.
I'M LAYING AN EGG!
MIGHT BE A NICE TOUCH.
GO ON.
HERE, THERE'S SOME MORE PEOPLE.
HAPPY NOW?
YOU KNOW THIS PLACE
MUST HAVE GOOD FOOD
BECAUSE I SAW KOTTER
IN HERE EARLIER TODAY.
- OH YEAH?
- YEAH.
OH, IT'S CAPTAIN CHICKEN!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
CAPTAIN CHICKEN,
PLEASE CAN I HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH, PLEASE?
OH.
WELL, YOU COULD KNOCK
ME OVER WITH A FEATHER.
PARDON ME.
IS THERE A HUMAN ON DUTY?
WHEN I'M SICK MY
MOTHER PUTS YOU IN SOUP.
NOW WAIT, LOOK.
YOU GUYS KNOW I
NEED A PART TIME JOB,
AND THIS IS WHAT I COULD GET,
AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO WEAR.
HOW DO YOU GET HOME?
DO YOU TAKE THE SUBWAY OR FLY?
HEY, HEY, WE CAN'T
AFFORD TO BUY ANYTHING.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL
JUST LICK YOUR FINGERS.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, CUT IT OUT.
ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.
EXCUSE ME MR. KOTTER,
I HOPE I'M NOT
GETTING TOO PERSONAL.
BUT ARE YOU REGULAR, BARBECUED,
OR EXTRA CRUNCHY?
I'M STEAMED!
NOW, CUT IT OUT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
DON'T GET YOUR GIBLETS
IN AN UPROAR HERE.
LET'S LEAVE MY
GIBLETS OUT OF THIS!
SIT DOWN!
YOU GUYS WANT SOMETHING?
YEAH, YEAH, I'LL HAVE
A COUPLE OF WINGS.
GIVE ME THE REGULAR DINNER.
I'LL HAVE A LEG AND A THIGH.
WHAT ABOUT YOU ARNOLD?
UH, A...
- WHAT?!
- A PAIR OF BREASTS!
OH!
HEY ARNOLD, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, REMEMBER?
IT IS? OH YEAH, IT IS!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S ARNOLD'S BIRTHDAY,
WE ALL CHIPPED IN.
OH YEAH, EY, 86 THAT
LAST ORDER, YEAH.
OKAY, WE'RE GONNA BUY
ARNOLD THE GLUTEN'S GORGE!
- YEAH!
- ALL RIGHT!
YOU SURE YOU WANT
THE GLUTEN'S GORGE?
MM-HMM.
ONE GLUTEN'S GORGE.
NOW YOU'RE COOKING
WITH GAS, TEACHER.
UH, 450 CAPTAIN CHICKEN.
CAN'T BE.
IT SOUNDS LIKE HIM
BUT IT COULDN'T BE.
IT IS.
KOTTER!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE AND IN THAT COSTUME?!
WELL, MY DOG SUIT
WAS IN THE CLEANERS.
WHAT WAS THAT
NUMBER YOU GUESSED?
450.
DO I GET A FREE DINNER?
NO, I'M SORRY, YOU'RE
A FEW BONES SHY.
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
I SEE THE OTHER BARNYARD
CREATURES ARE HERE.
- MOO.
- OINK OINK!
A BRAND NEW PLACE
OPENS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
AND THEY'RE ALREADY IN HERE
LOWERING THE PROPERTY VALUES.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR
YOU, MR. WHITMAN?
A DINNER PLATTER TO GO.
ONE DINNER PLATTER TO GO.
MR. WHITMAN, I'M A
LITTLE SURPRISED.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
EATING AT A CHEAP
CHICKEN JOINT LIKE THIS?
KOTTER, I KNOW EVERY
CHEAP RESTAURANT
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
THE DINER DOWN ON THE CORNER,
THEY GIVE ME A SPECIAL
ON THE 39 CENT BREAKFAST
IF I SIT IN THE WOBBLY STOOL.
MAYBE YOU SIT ON THE
FLOOR THEY WOULDN'T
CHARGE YOU ANYTHING.
HERE YOU GO, MR. WHITMAN.
LOOK AT YOU.
DRESSED LIKE A CHICKEN.
WATCH OUT FOR THE
ROOSTERS ON YOUR WAY HOME.
THE ROOSTERS!
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU
GO, DO YOUR STUFF.
LISTEN, I KNOW THESE GUYS,
CAN WE SKIP IT JUST FOR NOW.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU
KNOW THESE GUYS,
THE COMPANY POLICY AT OPENINGS
IS WHOEVER ORDERS
THE GLUTEN'S GORGE
GETS THE FULL TREATMENT
FROM CAPTAIN CHICKEN.
NOW, DO IT!
EARN THOSE CAPTAIN BARS,
I WANNA SEE THE FEATHERS FLY.
YOU'RE NOT A NICE GUY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?!
SOMEBODY HAS ORDERED
THE GLUTEN'S GORGE!
HE GETS THE SPECIAL
TREATMENT FROM CAPTAIN CHICKEN
IN PERSON!
♪ YOU'LL BE SWELL ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE GREAT ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD...
♪ STARTING HERE, STARTING NOW ♪
♪ ARNOLD, EVERYTHING'S
COMING UP CHICKEN ♪
♪ CLEAR THE DECKS,
CLEAR THE LIGHTS ♪
♪ WE GOT NOTHING TO
HIT BUT THE HEIGHTS ♪
♪ TURKEY TIME ♪
♪ WING TO MOUTH ♪
♪ HERE'S YOUR CHICKEN
FOR YOU AND YOUR PALS ♪♪
SOON AVAILABLE ON CLUCK RECORDS
AND 8-TRACK TAPES.
HEY KOTTER, YOU KNOW,
IN ALL MY YEARS IN
THE CHICKEN BUSINESS,
THAT WAS THE WORST
I HAVE EVER SEEN.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
LOOK, IN THIS PLACE
YOU GOTTA PAY
BEFORE YOU'RE SERVED.
- OH YEAH.
- SURE, MR. KOTTER.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, YOU KNOW,
YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD SPORT.
YOU KNOW, WE WAS ONLY...
WE WAS ONLY GOOFING
ON YOU, YOU KNOW?
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE,
MR. KOTTER, WAIT A MINUTE.
MR. KOTTER.
WHY'D YOU TAKE THIS JOB?
WELL, THERE'S TWO
THINGS THAT I ENJOY IN LIFE:
TEACHING SWEAT HOGS AND CHEWING.
SO, I COULD GET ANOTHER
JOB DURING THE DAY,
BUT THIS WAS THE ONLY
JOB I COULD AT NIGHT.
SO I CAME DOWN HERE
AND I CAUGHT A FEW
RANKS FROM YOU GUYS.
LOOK, THERE ARE
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD
THAT ARE WORSE OFF THAN I AM.
OH, I KNOW!
THERE'S A MAN DOWN THE
BLOCK IN THE HOT DOG STAND
WHO'S DRESSED LIKE A WEENIE!
AND HE DON'T EVEN WORK THERE!
HEY, COME HERE, HEY!
I DON'T LIKE THE
LOOKS OF THESE GUYS,
THEY LOOK LIKE
DELINQUENTS TO ME.
GET 'EM OUTTA HERE.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND,
THESE GUYS JUST HAPPEN
TO BE MY STUDENTS, ALL RIGHT?
AND THEY'RE ALSO MY FRIENDS.
THAT'S RIGHT, SIR!
AND THIS MAN HERE IN THIS
RIDICULOUS CHICKEN OUTFIT
IS NOT REALLY A CHICKEN.
- YEAH.
- THANK YOU, ARNOLD.
NO CHICKEN COULD
LAST A DAY WITH US.
THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S 100%
MAN INSIDE THAT STUPID SUIT.
SO, UP YOUR GIZZARD
WITH A RUBBER LIZARD.
AS FOR ME.
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, KOTTER.
YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A FUTURE
IN THE CHICKEN BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, THERE'S SOME
GUYS WHO CAN DO IT,
AND SOME GUYS WHO CAN'T.
YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE
TO WEAR THAT BEAK!
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA TURN MY BEAK IN,
I'LL GO HOME AND
I'LL STUFF ENVELOPES
WITH MY WIFE.
DOESN'T PAY AS MUCH,
BUT AT LEAST I DON'T
HAVE TO DRESS UP.
I'LL RETURN THE
REST OF THIS OUTFIT
TO THE MAIN OFFICE.
COME ON, GUYS,
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!
YO, MR. KOTTER, WE DIDN'T
EAT OUR GLUTEN'S GORGE.
YEAH, LOOK AT ALL THAT CHICKEN.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
GET SOME CHINESE FOOD?
COME ON!
♪ YOU'LL BE SWELL ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE GREAT ♪♪
♪
- HONEY.
- WHAT?
DO YOU KNOW YOU SLEPT WITH
YOUR MOUTH OPEN LAST NIGHT?
NO, BUT IF YOU HUM A FEW BARS.
I'M GETTING TO BE SO FUNNY.
YOU'RE A FUNNY LADY.
BUT DON'T SLEEP WITH
YOUR MOUTH OPEN,
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO MY AUNT SOPHIE?
NO, WHAT?
WELL, ONE NIGHT SHE'S
SLEEPING WITH HER MOUTH OPEN
AND A MOUSE RUNS IN HER MOUTH.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
MY UNCLE EARL, HE GOT SO EXCITED
HE CALLED THE DOCTOR,
HE SAID, "DOCTOR, MR. MD.
YOU GOTTA HELP ME!
A MOUSE RAN IN MY WIFE'S MOUTH!"
DOCTOR SAID, "WE
GOTTA WAIVE A PIECE
OF CHEESE IN FRONT OF HER MOUTH.
GET THE MOUSE OUT,
WAIVE A PIECE OF CHEESE,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT OVER."
- SMART.
- HE WAS SMART, THE DOCTOR.
YEAH, SMART MAN.
SO HE TAKES A CAR AND
HE RUNS OVER THERE,
AND HE GETS THERE FAST,
AND HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR,
AND HE WALKS IN, AND
MY UNCLE EARL IS WAIVING
A FISH IN FRONT OF MY
AUNT SOPHIE'S MOUTH.
WHY WAS HE DOING THAT?
THAT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID!
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I SAID A PIECE OF CHEESE!"
MY UNCLE EARL SAYS,
"I KNOW, BUT I GOTTA
GET THE CAT OUT."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪♪
MY UNCLE SOCRATES KOTTER?
NO, BUT I HAVE A
FEELING YOU WILL.
YES, IN FACT I'M
GONNA DO IT RIGHT NOW.
MY UNCLE SOCRATES KOTTER
CAME FROM HIS NEIGHBORHOOD
IN CHICAGO WHERE
IT WAS THE FASHION
TO NAME ALL THEIR KIDS
AFTER FAMOUS GREEKS.
IN FACT, HIS BEST FRIEND'S
NAME WAS EURIPIDES FELDMAN.
EURIPIDES FELDMAN.
THAT WAS THE GUY'S NAME.
AND THEY WERE BOSOM BUDDIES.
THEY WENT EVERYWHERE TOGETHER,
BUT YOU KNOW, THEY
GREW UP, THE SEPARATED,
AND THEY HADN'T SEEN EACH
OTHER FOR ABOUT 20 YEARS.
NOW, MY UNCLE SOCRATES
OPENED UP THIS TAILOR STORE
IN CHICAGO AND ONE
DAY THIS GUY WALKS IN,
HE'S GOT A PAIR
OF PANTS WITH HIM,
AND HE LOOKS EXACTLY
LIKE EURIPIDES FELDMAN
HE HASN'T SEEN FOR 20 YEARS!
AND MY UNCLE THROWS
UP HIS HANDS, HE SAYS,
"EURIPIDES!"
THE GUY HANDS HIM THE
PAIR OF PANTS AND SAYS,
"YEAH, YOU MENDA THESE?"
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
HI HONEY, HOW'D YOU
MAKE OUT AT THE DENTIST?
WELL, IT'S A LITTLE THING
THEY CALL AN ABSCESS.
ONE OF YOUR TEETH IS ABSCESSED?
NO, THREE.
IT'S AN EPIDEMIC.
THEY MUST BE GIVING
IT TO EACH OTHER.
HONEY, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?
WELL, I HAVE THREE CHOICES.
I CAN HAVE ROOT
CANAL DONE FOR $1200,
I CAN HAVE 'EM
ALL PULLED FOR $50,
I CAN GO DOWN TO
MR. SCHMIEL, THE SUPER,
TELL HIM HIS WIFE LOOKS
LIKE AN OLD POTATO
AND HAVE THEM
KNOCKED OUT FOR FREE.
GABE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT MONEY!
ASK ME WHAT I'M DOING
WITH THESE ENVELOPES?
YOU BECAME PEN PALS WITH CHINA?
NO, I GET FIVE DOLLARS FOR
EVERY THOUSAND I STUFF.
WHAT ARE YOU STUFFING IN THERE?
THESE ARE SAMPLES OF
POLYESTER LEISURE SUITS.
YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE THIS,
BUT YOU CAN WASH THAT 100 TIMES
AND IT WILL LOOK
EXACTLY LIKE THIS.
AMAZING.
THAT 'CAUSE IT LOOKS
LIKE IT'S BEEN WASHED
100 TIMES!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST CALL ONE OF THOSE
FINANCE COMPANIES?
YOU KIDDING? THE KIND THAT
ADVERTISES ON TELEVISION
WITH THOSE TESTIMONIALS
FROM PEOPLE?
- YEAH.
- I NEED A LOAN.
A FRIEND RECOMMENDED
BONDAGE FINANCE.
IT WAS SO SIMPLE I
COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.
I JUST PICKED UP THE PHONE
AND DIALED THE WORDS, "PAY UP."
GABE, WHY DON'T
YOU JUST CALL AND SEE
IF YOU ARE QUALIFIED.
GO AHEAD!
ALL RIGHT, I DON'T BELIEVE...
I DON'T BELIEVE I'M DOING THIS.
YOU WANT ME TO CALL?
ALL RIGHT I'LL CALL, OKAY?
I NEVER DID ANYTHING
LIKE THIS BEFORE
IN MY LIFE.
HELLO? YEAH.
JUST A SECOND.
IT WORKED, I DIALED "PAY UP"
THERE'S A GUY ON THE PHONE.
AMAZING.
UH, YES, I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT
ABOUT GETTING A $1200 LOAN.
FOR MY TEETH.
HE'S TRANSFERRING ME TO
THE GUY IN CHARGE OF TEETH.
YES, I'D LIKE TO FIND
OUT ABOUT... I NEED $1200.
I'M A TEACHER.
ASK HIM IF YOU
QUALIFY, GO AHEAD!
I WILL AS SOON AS HE
STOPS LAUGHING, ALL RIGHT?
UH, YES, UH, WHAT? MY ASSETS?
WELL, I'M A FUN GUY AND UH,
I GOT A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.
AND I'M EASY TO DANCE TO.
LISTEN, IF I BORROW $1200,
HOW MUCH WOULD I HAVE
TO PAY EVERY MONTH?
$110 A MONTH FOR A YEAR?
AND WHAT?
FIRST BORN SON?
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
BUH-BYE.
WELL?
NOW WHAT?
WELL, I JUST DON'T THINK
THAT'S TOO HOT A PLACE.
I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF
COMPANY HAS A SLOGAN,
"WE'LL GIVE YOU A
PIECE OF THE ROCK
THROUGH YOUR WINDOW"?
ANDERSON.
ANDERSON!
ANDERSON IS HERE! ANDERSON.
ALL RIGHT!
BARBARINO.
BARBARINO!
BOY, THAT SOUNDS FAMILIAR.
I KNOW IT LIKE I KNOW
MY OWN NAME, YOU KNOW?
EXCUSE ME, MR. KOTTER!
HOW COME YOU ARE TALKING
WITHOUT MOVING YOUR MOUTH?
I AM REALLY A VENTRILOQUIST
AND MY DUMMY
JUST PHONED IN SICK.
HUH?
OH, COME ON!
HEY, MR. KOTTER, YOU OKAY?
I JUST HAD A PROBLEM
WITH MY TEETH.
OH YEAH?
WHAT'S THE OTHER GUY LOOK LIKE?
IT WASN'T A FIGHT, EPSTEIN.
I HAD TO GET MY
TEETH FIXED OTHERWISE
I WOULD HAVE TO
LEARN TO LIKE JELL-O.
NOW ALL I HAVE TO DO IS
COME UP WITH THE MONEY
TO PAY FOR IT.
COME ON, MR. KOTTER, I
MEAN THERE'S LOTS OF WAYS
TO MAKE EXTRA MONEY.
HEY, I UNDERSTAND THAT
THE MARINES ARE LOOKING
FOR A FEW GOOD MEN.
PLEASE DON'T ANYBODY
TELL THEM WHERE I AM.
TELL YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO!
YOU LAY A LITTLE OF
YOUR BREAD ON ME,
AND I'LL INVEST IT IN YOU IN
MY PHONY NOTE BUSINESS.
IT'S MY BIG SEASON
COMING UP: MID-TERMS.
AND IF I COULD OFFER A
NOTE WITH YOUR SIGNATURE,
GONZO, WE'D GO
THROUGH THE CEILING!
I COULD SEE IT!
WE CAN GO NATIONAL!
EPSTEIN'S NOTE BUSINESS:
WHEN YOU CARE ENOUGH
TO FORGE THE VERY BEST.
OH YEAH, YEAH, I LIKE
IT, I LIKE IT, I LIKE IT.
SIT DOWN EPSTEIN!
OKAY, I GOT A BETTER
IDEA, ALL RIGHT?
YOU HOLD THE RAFFLE
FOR ALL THE GIRLS, RIGHT?
AND THE WINNER GETS TO
GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME.
WHAT DOES THE
LOSER GET, TWO DATES?
OOOH.
MR. KOTTER, THERE IS NOTHING
IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD
THAT I WOULDN'T DO FOR YOU.
IF YOU LIKE, I WILL
EVEN SELL MY BODY
TO MEDICAL SCIENCE.
THANK YOU ARNOLD, BUT
THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.
OH.
WELL, THEN HOW
ABOUT IF I SELL SOME
OF THE PARTS I DON'T USE?
YEAH, LIKE YOUR HEAD.
ALL RIGHT, SEE YOU TOMORROW.
STAY MELLOW, MAN.
- TAKE IT EASY.
- BUH-BYE.
BE BRAVE LITTLE BUCKAROO!
CAR WASH EMPLOYEE.
MUST ENJOY STANDING IN WATER.
HEARSE DRIVER.
SHOULD NOT MIND
DRIVING ALONE... SORT OF.
YOU NOT PLANNING ON
MOONLIGHTING, ARE YOU KOTTER?
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
FROWNS ON THAT.
THE TEACHER'S SALARY
IS QUITE SUFFICIENT
FOR HIS NEEDS.
OH SURE, MR. WHITMAN.
UNLESS THE TEACHER
WANTS TO INDULGE IN CERTAIN
LUXURIES, LIKE CHEWING.
TAKE THOSE MARBLES OUT
OF YOUR MOUTH, KOTTER.
I CAN'T, THREE OF MY
MARBLES ARE HAVING
ROOT CANALS.
WELL, I'M LUCKY, I HAVE
NO TROUBLE WITH MY TEETH.
UNLESS THEY FALL
OUT OF THE GLASS
WHERE I KEEP THEM AT NIGHT.
MR. WHITMAN, I DON'T UNDERSTAND,
YOU DON'T MAKE
MUCH MORE THAN I DO,
HOW DO YOU MAKE ENDS MEET?
MY ENDS HAVE NEVER MET, KOTTER.
THAT'S WHY I LOOK THE WAY I DO.
LOOK AT ME, KOTTER.
THIS IS WHAT YOU'RE
GONNA LOOK LIKE IN 30 YEARS.
PLEASE, MR. WHITMAN,
I'M IN ENOUGH PAIN TODAY.
I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
BY THE TIME I GET MY CHECK,
I BARELY HAVE ENOUGH
FOR NECESSITIES.
I MEAN, FORGET
ABOUT THINGS LIKE FUN.
FUN, KOTTER?
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT FUN.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN FUN!
THERE'S HARD WORK,
SACRIFICE, AND REVENGE!
VERY SICK MAN.
BALD HEADED MAN WANTED
FOR TV COMMERCIAL.
MUST ENJOY GETTING HEAD
SHINE WITH STEEL WOOL.
NO WEIRDOES PLEASE.
MR. KOTTER, WE WERE
JUST TALKING ABOUT IT,
AND WE'D REALLY
LIKE TO HELP YOU.
YEAH, WE DON'T LIKE
SEEING YOU IN PAIN.
UNLESS OF COURSE, WE CAUSE IT.
ANYWAY, WE POOLED ALL
OUR MONEY TOGETHER,
YOU KNOW, ALL OUR SAVINGS?
WE GOT FIVE DOLLARS
AND 72 CENTS, YUP.
AND... CHICLET.
AIN'T MUCH, BUT IT'S
A START, YOU KNOW?
THANKS A LOT, GUYS,
BUT I DON'T THINK
I'M GONNA NEED IT.
LISTEN TO THIS:
OPENING FOR A TALLER
MAN WITH SENSE OF HUMOR,
EXPERIENCE IN PUBLIC RELATIONS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
DON'T GIVE UP YOUR DAY JOB.
JUST IN CASE.
STAY MELLOW FELLOW.
TAKE IT EASY, ALL RIGHT?
TALK TO YOU LATER.
HEY, YOUR MONEY, YOU FORGOT
YOUR $5 AND YOUR CHICLET!
OW!
JULIE, GOTTA GO TO WORK.
SEE YOU LATER, HUH?
GOODBYE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, HONEY?
EVERY NIGHT THIS
WEEK YOU'VE GONE OUT
WITH THAT SUITCASE,
YOU WON'T TELL ME
WHAT'S IN IT, YOU WON'T TELL ME
WHERE YOU'RE GOING.
YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
JULIE, I TOLD YOU I HAVE
A PUBLIC RELATIONS JOB
WITH A RESTAURANT FIRM.
NOW, I ONLY NEED TO HAVE
IT A COUPLE MORE WEEKS.
THIS IS JUST STUFF
I NEED FOR THE JOB.
IT'S NOT BAD ENOUGH
YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR,
BUT YOU'RE FLAUNTING IT!
I MEAN, I KNOW THAT
I'M FROM NEBRASKA,
AND MAYBE... MAYBE
I'M A LITTLE SQUARE.
BUT A SUITCASE!
WHAT IS SHE, SOME
SORT OF STRANGE-O?
WHAT DO YOU NEED A
SUITCASE FOR, GABE?
WELL, YOU WANNA
KNOW WHAT'S IN IT?
YEAH.
BATTERIES AND AN
ELECTRIC WETSUIT.
WELL, WHERE DID YOU MEET HER?
AT GENERAL ELECTRIC FREAK-OUT?
JULIE, I WAS ONLY KIDDING.
I BET I KNOW, IT'S THAT STRANGE
HYGIENE TEACHER FROM SCHOOL!
YOU KNOW, I KNOW
SOMETHING ABOUT HER
THAT YOU DON'T KNOW.
SHE GOES ON CONSCIOUSNESS
RAISING WEEKENDS
TO THE CATSKILLS
WHERE ALL THEY DO
FOR THREE NIGHTS AND TWO DAYS
IS PLAY GOLF IN THEIR UNDERWEAR!
JULIE, I'M NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR.
I GOTTA GO TO WORK.
SEE YOU LATER.
GABE!
WHAT'S IN THE SUITCASE?!
ALL RIGHT, I WAS TRYING
TO SPARE YOU THIS,
BUT YOU WANNA KNOW
WHAT'S IN THE SUITCASE?
- YEAH.
- HERE.
TELL ME I DIDN'T
SEE WHAT I JUST SAW.
I SAW WHAT I JUST SAW.
YOU SATISFIED?
HONEY, I WOULD RATHER
YOU WERE HAVING AN AFFAIR.
♪
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
AND WELCOME TO THE GRAND
OPENING OF MR. CHICKEN NUMBER 17!
AND YES, NOW IS THE TIME
YOU HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.
AS ADVERTISED, AND
AS IS THE PRACTICE
OF EVERY MR. CHICKEN'S
GRAND OPENING,
WE HAVE A VISIT FROM THAT
MERRY CLUCKER HIMSELF!
THAT DEEP, FAT FRIED SUCKER
WITH THE PLUCK PLUCK PUCKER
JUST FOR YOU, HERE HE IS:
CAPTAIN CHICKEN!
CAPTAIN CHICKEN IS HERE!
CAP'N CHICKEN'S HERE!
CAP'N CHICKEN'S HERE!
AND NOW CAPTAIN CHICKEN
WILL MAKE THE OPENING SPEECH
AND WILL PERSONALLY
WAIT ON YOU AT YOUR TABLES.
LISTEN, CAN YOU
WAIT A LITTLE BIT
BECAUSE THERE'S NOT
MANY PEOPLE HERE.
I'D LIKE, YOU KNOW, MORE PEOPLE.
HEY, LOOK, I DON'T CARE HOW MANY
PEOPLE ARE HERE, YOU GO
OUT AND DO THAT SPEECH
OR YOU'LL BE
LOOKING AT A FAT BEAK.
COME ON, MAKE WITH
THE CLUCK CLUCK.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO OUT
THERE AND CLUCK YOURSELF?
GET OUT THERE, TURKEY!
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BOYS AND GIRLS,
WELCOME TO THE OPENING
OF MR. CHICKEN NUMBER 17!
CAPTAIN CHICKEN'S HERE TO
PERSONALLY GREET ALL OF YOU.
AND REMEMBER, WE
HAVE GAMES AND PRIZES
LIKE THE PERSON WHO
CAN GUESS HOW MANY
WISHBONES ARE IN THIS
LITTLE FISH BOWL HERE
AND WIN A FREE DINNER!
THIS IS RIDICULOUS,
THEY'RE NOT EVEN
PAYING ATTENTION TO ME.
HEY, LOOK, FELLA,
WHAT DO YOU DO?
I MEAN, FOR A LIVING.
I'M A TEACHER.
BEAUTIFUL.
THEY SENT ME ANOTHER TEACHER.
YOU GUYS ARE ALL ALIKE,
I BET YOU THINK YOU'RE TOO GOOD
TO DRESS UP LIKE A CHICKEN
AND GO OUT THERE AND
CLUCK FOR PEOPLE, DON'T YOU?
OF COURSE I DO.
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, TEACHER.
I NEVER WENT TO NO COLLEGE.
I WORKED SIX YEARS
IN THIS BUSINESS
BEFORE I GOT TO WEAR A
SUIT WITHOUT FEATHERS.
I WAS AROUND HERE
DURING THE TOUGH YEARS.
I WORKED TURKEY JOINTS
DURING THE CRANBERRY SCARE.
I WORKED UNDER THE
NAME OF DICKEY DRUMSTICK
IN THOSE DAYS.
NOW, GET ON OUT THERE!
AT THE OTHER OPENINGS,
THERE WAS MORE PEOPLE...
KIDS, KIDS LIKE THIS.
CAN WE WAIT TILL WE
GET SOME KIDS THERE?
I MEAN, LOOK AT
THOSE TWO PEOPLE.
I'M LAYING AN EGG!
MIGHT BE A NICE TOUCH.
GO ON.
HERE, THERE'S SOME MORE PEOPLE.
HAPPY NOW?
YOU KNOW THIS PLACE
MUST HAVE GOOD FOOD
BECAUSE I SAW KOTTER
IN HERE EARLIER TODAY.
- OH YEAH?
- YEAH.
OH, IT'S CAPTAIN CHICKEN!
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!
CAPTAIN CHICKEN,
PLEASE CAN I HAVE
YOUR AUTOGRAPH, PLEASE?
OH.
WELL, YOU COULD KNOCK
ME OVER WITH A FEATHER.
PARDON ME.
IS THERE A HUMAN ON DUTY?
WHEN I'M SICK MY
MOTHER PUTS YOU IN SOUP.
NOW WAIT, LOOK.
YOU GUYS KNOW I
NEED A PART TIME JOB,
AND THIS IS WHAT I COULD GET,
AND THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO WEAR.
HOW DO YOU GET HOME?
DO YOU TAKE THE SUBWAY OR FLY?
HEY, HEY, WE CAN'T
AFFORD TO BUY ANYTHING.
SO IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE'LL
JUST LICK YOUR FINGERS.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON, CUT IT OUT.
ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.
EXCUSE ME MR. KOTTER,
I HOPE I'M NOT
GETTING TOO PERSONAL.
BUT ARE YOU REGULAR, BARBECUED,
OR EXTRA CRUNCHY?
I'M STEAMED!
NOW, CUT IT OUT.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
DON'T GET YOUR GIBLETS
IN AN UPROAR HERE.
LET'S LEAVE MY
GIBLETS OUT OF THIS!
SIT DOWN!
YOU GUYS WANT SOMETHING?
YEAH, YEAH, I'LL HAVE
A COUPLE OF WINGS.
GIVE ME THE REGULAR DINNER.
I'LL HAVE A LEG AND A THIGH.
WHAT ABOUT YOU ARNOLD?
UH, A...
- WHAT?!
- A PAIR OF BREASTS!
OH!
HEY ARNOLD, DON'T YOU REMEMBER?
IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, REMEMBER?
IT IS? OH YEAH, IT IS!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.
IT'S ARNOLD'S BIRTHDAY,
WE ALL CHIPPED IN.
OH YEAH, EY, 86 THAT
LAST ORDER, YEAH.
OKAY, WE'RE GONNA BUY
ARNOLD THE GLUTEN'S GORGE!
- YEAH!
- ALL RIGHT!
YOU SURE YOU WANT
THE GLUTEN'S GORGE?
MM-HMM.
ONE GLUTEN'S GORGE.
NOW YOU'RE COOKING
WITH GAS, TEACHER.
UH, 450 CAPTAIN CHICKEN.
CAN'T BE.
IT SOUNDS LIKE HIM
BUT IT COULDN'T BE.
IT IS.
KOTTER!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
HERE AND IN THAT COSTUME?!
WELL, MY DOG SUIT
WAS IN THE CLEANERS.
WHAT WAS THAT
NUMBER YOU GUESSED?
450.
DO I GET A FREE DINNER?
NO, I'M SORRY, YOU'RE
A FEW BONES SHY.
OH, LOOK AT THIS.
I SEE THE OTHER BARNYARD
CREATURES ARE HERE.
- MOO.
- OINK OINK!
A BRAND NEW PLACE
OPENS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
AND THEY'RE ALREADY IN HERE
LOWERING THE PROPERTY VALUES.
WHAT CAN I GET FOR
YOU, MR. WHITMAN?
A DINNER PLATTER TO GO.
ONE DINNER PLATTER TO GO.
MR. WHITMAN, I'M A
LITTLE SURPRISED.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
EATING AT A CHEAP
CHICKEN JOINT LIKE THIS?
KOTTER, I KNOW EVERY
CHEAP RESTAURANT
IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.
THE DINER DOWN ON THE CORNER,
THEY GIVE ME A SPECIAL
ON THE 39 CENT BREAKFAST
IF I SIT IN THE WOBBLY STOOL.
MAYBE YOU SIT ON THE
FLOOR THEY WOULDN'T
CHARGE YOU ANYTHING.
HERE YOU GO, MR. WHITMAN.
LOOK AT YOU.
DRESSED LIKE A CHICKEN.
WATCH OUT FOR THE
ROOSTERS ON YOUR WAY HOME.
THE ROOSTERS!
ALL RIGHT, HERE YOU
GO, DO YOUR STUFF.
LISTEN, I KNOW THESE GUYS,
CAN WE SKIP IT JUST FOR NOW.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU
KNOW THESE GUYS,
THE COMPANY POLICY AT OPENINGS
IS WHOEVER ORDERS
THE GLUTEN'S GORGE
GETS THE FULL TREATMENT
FROM CAPTAIN CHICKEN.
NOW, DO IT!
EARN THOSE CAPTAIN BARS,
I WANNA SEE THE FEATHERS FLY.
YOU'RE NOT A NICE GUY.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?!
SOMEBODY HAS ORDERED
THE GLUTEN'S GORGE!
HE GETS THE SPECIAL
TREATMENT FROM CAPTAIN CHICKEN
IN PERSON!
♪ YOU'LL BE SWELL ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE GREAT ♪
♪ GONNA HAVE THE WHOLE WORLD...
♪ STARTING HERE, STARTING NOW ♪
♪ ARNOLD, EVERYTHING'S
COMING UP CHICKEN ♪
♪ CLEAR THE DECKS,
CLEAR THE LIGHTS ♪
♪ WE GOT NOTHING TO
HIT BUT THE HEIGHTS ♪
♪ TURKEY TIME ♪
♪ WING TO MOUTH ♪
♪ HERE'S YOUR CHICKEN
FOR YOU AND YOUR PALS ♪♪
SOON AVAILABLE ON CLUCK RECORDS
AND 8-TRACK TAPES.
HEY KOTTER, YOU KNOW,
IN ALL MY YEARS IN
THE CHICKEN BUSINESS,
THAT WAS THE WORST
I HAVE EVER SEEN.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, GUYS,
LOOK, IN THIS PLACE
YOU GOTTA PAY
BEFORE YOU'RE SERVED.
- OH YEAH.
- SURE, MR. KOTTER.
HEY, MR. KOTTER, YOU KNOW,
YOU'VE BEEN A GOOD SPORT.
YOU KNOW, WE WAS ONLY...
WE WAS ONLY GOOFING
ON YOU, YOU KNOW?
WAIT... WAIT A MINUTE,
MR. KOTTER, WAIT A MINUTE.
MR. KOTTER.
WHY'D YOU TAKE THIS JOB?
WELL, THERE'S TWO
THINGS THAT I ENJOY IN LIFE:
TEACHING SWEAT HOGS AND CHEWING.
SO, I COULD GET ANOTHER
JOB DURING THE DAY,
BUT THIS WAS THE ONLY
JOB I COULD AT NIGHT.
SO I CAME DOWN HERE
AND I CAUGHT A FEW
RANKS FROM YOU GUYS.
LOOK, THERE ARE
PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD
THAT ARE WORSE OFF THAN I AM.
OH, I KNOW!
THERE'S A MAN DOWN THE
BLOCK IN THE HOT DOG STAND
WHO'S DRESSED LIKE A WEENIE!
AND HE DON'T EVEN WORK THERE!
HEY, COME HERE, HEY!
I DON'T LIKE THE
LOOKS OF THESE GUYS,
THEY LOOK LIKE
DELINQUENTS TO ME.
GET 'EM OUTTA HERE.
HEY, WAIT A SECOND,
THESE GUYS JUST HAPPEN
TO BE MY STUDENTS, ALL RIGHT?
AND THEY'RE ALSO MY FRIENDS.
THAT'S RIGHT, SIR!
AND THIS MAN HERE IN THIS
RIDICULOUS CHICKEN OUTFIT
IS NOT REALLY A CHICKEN.
- YEAH.
- THANK YOU, ARNOLD.
NO CHICKEN COULD
LAST A DAY WITH US.
THAT'S RIGHT, HE'S 100%
MAN INSIDE THAT STUPID SUIT.
SO, UP YOUR GIZZARD
WITH A RUBBER LIZARD.
AS FOR ME.
LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, KOTTER.
YOU DON'T HAVE MUCH OF A FUTURE
IN THE CHICKEN BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING,
I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
I MEAN, THERE'S SOME
GUYS WHO CAN DO IT,
AND SOME GUYS WHO CAN'T.
YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE
TO WEAR THAT BEAK!
ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL TELL
YOU WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA TURN MY BEAK IN,
I'LL GO HOME AND
I'LL STUFF ENVELOPES
WITH MY WIFE.
DOESN'T PAY AS MUCH,
BUT AT LEAST I DON'T
HAVE TO DRESS UP.
I'LL RETURN THE
REST OF THIS OUTFIT
TO THE MAIN OFFICE.
COME ON, GUYS,
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!
YO, MR. KOTTER, WE DIDN'T
EAT OUR GLUTEN'S GORGE.
YEAH, LOOK AT ALL THAT CHICKEN.
WHAT DO YOU SAY WE
GET SOME CHINESE FOOD?
COME ON!
♪ YOU'LL BE SWELL ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE GREAT ♪♪
♪
- HONEY.
- WHAT?
DO YOU KNOW YOU SLEPT WITH
YOUR MOUTH OPEN LAST NIGHT?
NO, BUT IF YOU HUM A FEW BARS.
I'M GETTING TO BE SO FUNNY.
YOU'RE A FUNNY LADY.
BUT DON'T SLEEP WITH
YOUR MOUTH OPEN,
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED TO MY AUNT SOPHIE?
NO, WHAT?
WELL, ONE NIGHT SHE'S
SLEEPING WITH HER MOUTH OPEN
AND A MOUSE RUNS IN HER MOUTH.
YOU'RE KIDDING.
MY UNCLE EARL, HE GOT SO EXCITED
HE CALLED THE DOCTOR,
HE SAID, "DOCTOR, MR. MD.
YOU GOTTA HELP ME!
A MOUSE RAN IN MY WIFE'S MOUTH!"
DOCTOR SAID, "WE
GOTTA WAIVE A PIECE
OF CHEESE IN FRONT OF HER MOUTH.
GET THE MOUSE OUT,
WAIVE A PIECE OF CHEESE,
AND I'LL BE RIGHT OVER."
- SMART.
- HE WAS SMART, THE DOCTOR.
YEAH, SMART MAN.
SO HE TAKES A CAR AND
HE RUNS OVER THERE,
AND HE GETS THERE FAST,
AND HE KNOCKS ON THE DOOR,
AND HE WALKS IN, AND
MY UNCLE EARL IS WAIVING
A FISH IN FRONT OF MY
AUNT SOPHIE'S MOUTH.
WHY WAS HE DOING THAT?
THAT'S WHAT THE DOCTOR SAID!
"WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT?
I SAID A PIECE OF CHEESE!"
MY UNCLE EARL SAYS,
"I KNOW, BUT I GOTTA
GET THE CAT OUT."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪♪