Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 15 - Sweatgate Scandal - full transcript
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT MY UNCLE WAS A HUNTER?
YOUR UNCLE WAS A KOTTER, GABE.
- VERY FUNNY, JULIE.
- I KNOW.
MY UNCLE, CAUL
KOTTER, WAS A HUNTER.
NOT REALLY, BUT MY AUNT
KAY MADE HIM A HUNTER
'CAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE A HOBBY
AND SHE THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE
IF HE TOOK UP HUNTING, RIGHT?
BOUGHT HIM A GUN, SHE
SAID, "GO OUT IN THE WOODS
AND FIND SOME GAME."
WHAT DID HE FIND?
WELL, HE WAS IN THE WOODS
AND THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL
COMES OUT OF THE BUSHES.
SHE'S WEARING THIS BEAUTIFUL
HUNTER OUTFIT, RIGHT?
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, HE LOOKED AT HER
AND HE SAID, "ARE YOU GAME?"
AND SHE SAID, "YES."
SO HE SHOT HER.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
♪
LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS,
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER'S
DOIN' IT AGAIN, THEY'RE
PUTTIN' DOWN A SWEATHOG.
"BOOM BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME
AS BUCHANAN BASKETBALLERS BOW."
AW, POOR FREDDIE.
WHO LETS HIM WRITE THIS JUNK?
WHO ELSE, THE FACULTY ADVISOR.
OH YEAH? WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GET KOTTER AFTER HIM.
AH, WE CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
KOTTER IS THE FACULTY ADVISOR.
NICE DAY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
AH, FREDDIE, FREDDIE, MY
LITTLE AFRO-AMERICAN AMIGO.
OH, FREDDIE, FREDDIE, FREDDIE.
I'M SO SORRY.
I MEAN, ABOUT "BOOM
BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME
AS BUCHANAN BASKETBALLERS BOW."
BAD BREAK, BUCKAROO.
AH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, FREDDIE.
NOW MOST GUYS GO
THROUGH THEIR WHOLE LIFE
NEVER EVEN GETTIN' A CHANCE
TO BLOW THAT BIG GAME.
GOOD MORNING!
MR. KOTTER, HOW
COULD YOU LET THE BUGLE
PRINT SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
"BOOM BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME..."
ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD.
WHAT?
IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME,
YOU KNOW WHAT THE NEXT
HEADLINE'S GONNA READ?
WHAT?
"HORSHACK HOSPITALIZED AS
HEAVY HAMMER HITS HEAD HARD."
- YOU GOT ME?
- LOOK.
GOTCHA.
I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE GAME, FREDDIE,
BUT, UH, I'M AN
ADVISOR, NOT A SENSOR.
TODD, JUDY, AND THE REST OF
THE KIDS DOWN AT THE BUGLE,
THEY HAVE A RIGHT
TO THEIR OPINION.
OH YEAH, BUT NOT LIKE THIS.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"LAST NIGHT, FREDDIE WAS SO BAD
THE ONLY DRIBBLIN' HE DID WAS
DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT."
HEY, MR. KOTTER, I
AIN'T NO SORE LOSER,
BUT IT JUST AIN'T BASKETBALL.
- THEY BLAME EVERYTHING ON US.
- YEAH.
EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING? COME ON, GUYS.
NOW YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.
OH YEAH?
THEN HOW COME THE LAST
TIME THERE WAS A SOLAR ECLIPSE,
THE HEADLINE RAN,
"SWEATHOGS SWIPE SUN"?
NOW I TOLD THEM
NOT TO PRINT THAT,
BUT THEY HAD PROOF.
HEY, DID YOU SEE THIS
ON THE FRONT PAGE?
LISTEN TO THIS.
"PRINCIPAL LAZARUS'S OFFICE
WAS BROKEN INTO LAST NIGHT,
AND SOME OF HIS CONFIDENTIAL
FILES WERE STOLEN."
THEY PROBABLY
BLAME THAT ON US, TOO.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, YOU GUYS
ARE GETTIN' PARANOID.
NOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA BLAME
YOU FOR THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
ALL RIGHT, KOTTER.
WHICH ONE OF YOUR SWEATHOGS
IS GUILTY OF LAZARUS BREAK-IN?
MR. WOODMAN, WHY DO YOU BLAME
EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG
AROUND HERE ON THE SWEATHOGS?
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, I
SHOULDN'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS
ABOUT YOUR STUDENTS.
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
I WAS AT A PTA
MEETING, MR. WOODMAN,
ONE OF THE FEW WHO
SHOWED UP FOR YOUR SPEECH:
SELF DEFENSE WITH
A NUMBER 2 PENCIL.
LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS ORDERED ME
TO MAKE A FULL INVESTIGATION
OF THIS BURGLARY.
NOW AS LONG AS
I'M VICE PRINCIPAL,
THERE WILL BE NO
WHITEWASH AT BUCHANAN.
OH, WELL, WASHINGTON:
"BOOM BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME
AS BUCHANAN BASKETBALLERS BOW."
I LOVE THAT, UH, DRIBBLING
DOWN THE SHIRT LINE.
I GOTTA GET YOU A
BIB, YOU GET IT, A BIB.
AIN'T THAT STUPID?
THINKIN' ONE OF US WOULD
STEAL THOSE DUMB FILES.
I MEAN, THAT'S REALLY AN INSULT.
WHAT WAS IN 'EM, EPSTEIN?
NOW WAIT A SECOND
NOW, WAIT A SECOND.
NOW I'M CLEAN ON THIS ONE.
YOU SEE THAT, MR. KOTTER?
I MEAN, EVEN WE STARTIN' TO
THINK EVERYTHING'S OUR FAULT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH, YEAH, LOOK.
WE'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG
AROUND HERE.
MAYBE ABOUT 75 PERCENT.
ON A GOOD DAY, MAYBE 80.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY YOU
PEOPLE GET BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING?
BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER
AROUND TO DEFEND YOURSELVES.
YOU KNOW, NOT
ONE... WAIT A SECOND...
NOT ONE SWEATHOG WORKS
ON THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER.
AW, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, TELL YOU
WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.
ANY SWEATHOG WHO WORKS
ON THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER
I WILL GIVE EXTRA CREDIT.
EXTRA CREDIT?
I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT
THE REGULAR CREDIT.
NEWSPAPERS MOLD PEOPLE'S MINDS.
WHO WANTS TO MAKE A MOLDY MIND?
DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?
NEWSPAPERS HAVE CHANGED HISTORY.
THEY'VE MADE KINGS,
UNSEATED PRESIDENTS.
NEWSPAPERS HAVE ALTERED
THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS.
HEY, JUST... HE'S
LOSIN' CONTROL.
SOMEBODY DO SOMETHIN',
IT'S EMBARRASSING.
SORRY, I, UH...
I WENT AWAY FOR A
WHILE, BUT NOW I'M BACK.
I'M JUST TRYING TO SHOW YOU
THAT NEWSPAPERS HAVE REAL POWER.
POWER?
- YOU HEAR THAT, ARNOLD?
- YEAH.
POWER.
SWEATHOG POWER.
- POWER TO THE SWEATHOG!
- YEAH, YEAH.
POWER TO THE SWEATHOG!
I CAN SEE IT NOW.
THE NEW YORK DAILY BARBARINO.
THE FIRST NEWSPAPER
WITH A CENTERFOLD.
LOOK, I'M SAYING USE
THE PRESS, DON'T ABUSE IT.
BECOME PART OF
IT, CONTRIBUTE TO IT.
MAYBE DO SOME
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING, HUH?
FIND OUT WHO'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
OH, IT'S JUST LIKE "ALL
THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
ALL RIGHT, BUT I GET
TO BE ROBERT REDFORD.
AND I GET TO BE DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
YOU DON'T LOOK
LIKE DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
"I'M WALKIN' HERE!"
OKAY, CHARLENE, I WANT YOU
TO REPORT ON THE SCHOOL PLAY.
IT'S CALLED "FIDDLER
ON MY SISTER."
AND TODD, I WANT YOU
TO FOLLOW UP ANY LEADS
ON THE PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS BURGLARY, OKAY?
- RIGHT.
- GOOD.
HI JUDY.
OH HI, MR. KOTTER.
LOOK, I BROUGHT SOME
NEW RECRUITS TO THE PAPER.
SWEATHOGS ON THE BUGLE?
CHAIN THE TYPEWRITERS,
STOP THE PRESSES.
NO, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
HIDE THE PRESSES.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT 'EM
ON THE SCHOOL CRIME BEAT?
THAT WAY THEY CAN BE RIGHT
THERE TO REPORT ON THEMSELVES.
EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
MAY I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU, TODD?
IN YOUR EAR WITH ROSY GRIER.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT
RIGHT HERE, MR. WASHINGTON?
MR. WASHINGTON WOULD LIKE TO
WRITE THE SCHOOL'S SPORTS PAGE.
YEAH.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE THE
BUCHANAN GOSSIP COLUMNIST.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE
ALL THE BODIES ARE BURIED
AROUND HERE.
SURE YOU DO.
LIKE YOU AND THAT
LITTLE CHEERLEADER
FROM ROD MCHUGHAN HIGH
SCHOOL IN SCARSDALE, TODD?
THE ONE WITH THE BIG POM-POMS?
AND WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT, JUDITH?
I HEAR THERE'S A VERY FANCY
PARK AVENUE PLASTIC SURGEON
WHO'S USING YOUR OLD
NOSE AS HIS WAITING ROOM.
OH, CUTE, REAL CUTE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- AND WE MUST NOT FORGET...
JUST HAVE A SEAT RIGHT
OVER HERE, RONA HORSHACK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SWEATHOGS
ON THE SCHOOL PAPER...
OH, JUDY, DON'T
YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT JUST FINE,
AND I HAVE SOMETHING
ELSE FOR YOU...
WHAT EVERY NEWSPAPER NEEDS:
YOUR OWN TEAM OF CRACK
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS.
VINNIE BARBARINO
AND JUAN EPSTEIN.
VIN-STEIN!
HEY, DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
WE'RE GONNA GET THE STORY
ON THIS LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
HEY EPSTEIN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SAVE TIME AND CONFESS?
HEY TODD, AS YOU SAY
IN THE NEWSPAPER BIZ,
PUT YOUR SUNDAY TIMES
WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.
BUCHANAN BUGLE?
CHIEF BUGLE SPEAKING.
THE CAFETERIA WAS
JUST BROKEN INTO!
THANKS!
HOW MUCH DID THEY TAKE?
NO MONEY, JUST 40
POUNDS OF RAW LIVER.
WHO WOULD WANT 40
POUNDS OF RAW LIVER?
MAYBE SOME CRAZED
DELICATESSEN OWNER.
IF WE DON'T HURRY, BY TOMORROW,
THAT LIVER COULD BE CHOPPED UP
AND IN SANDWICHES
ALL OVER BROOKLYN.
HE'S RIGHT.
TODD, YOU GO OVER TO
THE CAFETERIA RIGHT AWAY
AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN FIND OUT.
VIN-STEIN, YOU GUYS STAY ON
THE LAZARUS BURGLARY BREAK-IN.
- OKAY?
- GOTCHA, CHIEF.
COME ON, VINNIE, LET'S
FOLLOW UP OUR LEADS.
RIGHT.
WHAT LEADS?
OH YEAH.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
LET'S GO HAVE LUNCH.
OH, KOTTER, LAZARUS TELLS
ME YOU'RE FACULTY ADVISOR
TO THE BUGLE THIS MONTH.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. WOODMAN,
AND WE'RE GONNA GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS
BREAK-IN, DON'T WORRY.
YEP, ME AND VINNIE GONNA
INVESTIGATE THE PANTS OFF IT.
YEAH.
WELL, PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
HAS THOUGHT IT OVER
AND HE WANTS THE
INVESTIGATION DROPPED.
WHAT?
WHAT FOR?
FOR A VERY GOOD REASON:
HE SAID SO.
WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A SECOND,
WE'VE BEEN WORKIN'
ON THIS THING ALL DAY.
YEAH, WHAT'S GOIN' ON
HERE, MR. WOODMAN?
WELL, I DON'T SEEM TO BE
GETTING THROUGH TO YOU PEOPLE.
LET ME PHRASE IT
IN SWEATHOG TERMS.
PUT A CORK IN IT, CLOWNS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MR. WOODMAN?
LITTLE TOO MUCH
HEAT IN THE KITCHEN?
YEAH, MR. WOODMAN,
THE KIDS ARE GETTIN'...
A CORK, KOTTER.
CORK IT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LET 'EM TRY... CORK IT.
WHAT ARE THEY AFRAID OF?
CORK IT!
SINCE WHEN DID THEY
START WRAPPING TWINKIES
FROM THE INSIDE?
HEY, IT'S A NOTE!
I GOT A FORTUNE TWINKIE.
LET ME SEE THAT, ARNOLD.
HERE.
NOT THE TWINKIE, THE NOTE.
GIVE ME THE NOTE.
WHAT'S IN IT?
THIS LOOKS LIKE A TIP
ON THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
AND IT'S SIGNED DEEP THROAT.
WOW.
DEEP THROAT?
SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
♪
AH, NO.
NO.
I GOT THE FEELIN' SOMEONE'S
LOOKIN' OVER MY SHOULDER.
I'M NOT SURE, VINNIE,
BUT I THINK IT'S ME.
AH!
YOU GOT IT.
ARE YOU THE GUY
WHO LEFT THE NOTE
IN HORSHACK'S TWINKIE?
YES, BUT I HAD NO CHOICE.
IT WOULDN'T FIT IN
HIS TOOTSIE ROLL.
WHO ARE YA?
I'M DEEP THROAT.
BUT YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP.
WELL, DEEP, DO YOU
KNOW WHO BROKE INTO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS'S OFFICE?
YES.
AND WHY THEY STOLE HIS FILES?
WHAT?
AND WHY THEY STOLE HIS FILES?
WHAT?
YOU DON'T GOTTA
DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
IF YOU WANT TO LEARN THE TRUTH,
FOLLOW THE LIVER.
FOLLOW THE LIVER?
WHAT DO I DO WHEN
I CATCH UP TO IT?
THE TWO BREAK-INS ARE CONNECTED.
THIS THING GOES ALL
THE WAY TO THE TOP.
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
OH, LOOK, I'M SORRY TO GET
YOU DOWN HERE, MR. KOTTER...
YEAH, BUT THE PAPER
GOES TO PRESS TONIGHT
AND WE NEED THE FACULTY
ADVISOR'S APPROVAL
BEFORE WE CAN PRINT THIS
STORY ON THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, I WAS JUST
HOME TELLIN' MY WIFE A JOKE.
IN A TUXEDO?
YEAH, WELL, ONCE A
WEEK WE PLAY NIGHTCLUB.
I GET DRESSED IN A TUXEDO
AND TELL JULIE JOKES
AND SHE SITS THERE AND
HECKLES ME IN AN EVENING GOWN.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME READ THIS.
I GOTTA GET BACK FOR
THE 11 O'CLOCK SHOW.
YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU MARRIED PEOPLE,
YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
OTHERWISE YOU GET REAL BORED.
YEAH, SURE.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE STORY, HUH?
HEY, WE GONNA BLOW THE
ROOF RIGHT OFF BUCHANAN.
YOU SURE OF YOUR
FACTS HERE, JUAN?
HEY, YOU GOTTA BE 18 TO
GET INTO YOUR NIGHTCLUB?
I WAS ONLY KIDDING,
VINNIE. I WAS AT A WEDDING.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
IF YOU EVER DO
THAT, LET ME KNOW,
'CAUSE I'D LOVE TO COME
OVER AND PLAY BUSBOY.
SO COME ON, WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THE STORY?
CAN WE PRINT IT?
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE SAYING THAT
THE LIVER ROBBERY
AND THE LAZARUS
BREAK-IN ARE CONNECTED?
RIGHT, RIGHT.
YOU SEE, SOME BIG SHOT
DOWN AT THE SCHOOL BOARD
HASN'T BEEN BUYIN' REAL LIVER.
NOW HE'S BEEN BUYIN' SOMETHIN'
CALLED TEXTURED PROTEIN.
LOOKS AND TASTES
LIKE REAL LIVER,
'CEPT IT'S CHEAPER.
IN OTHER WORDS, EVERY TUESDAY
INSTEAD OF NOT EATING LIVER,
I'VE BEEN NOT EATING
TEXTURED PROTEIN?
YEAH, AND THAT SOMEBODY HAS
BEEN POCKETIN' THE DIFFERENCE.
AND THE FILES THAT WERE
STOLEN FROM LAZARUS'S OFFICE,
THEY'RE GONNA PROVE IT.
IF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
HERE IS TRUE, EPSTEIN,
THEN SOMEBODY AT THE
BUCHANAN ADMINISTRATION
HAD TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
RIGHT, AND THAT
SOMEBODY'S BEIN' COVERED UP
BY THE MR. BIG AT
THE SCHOOL BOARD.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE
SURE OF YOUR FACTS
BEFORE YOU CAN
PRINT A STORY LIKE THIS.
SEE, THIS IS HOT STUFF.
HOW RELIABLE ARE YOUR SOURCES?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME
ON AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF?
YEAH, HE'S WAITIN' OUT
IN THE HALL RIGHT NOW.
NOW LOOK, WE
CAN'T GET TOO CLOSE.
HE WANTS TO KEEP
HIS IDENTITY A SECRET.
SO WALK THIS WAY.
DON'T COME ANY CLOSER.
KEEP LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD.
ALL RIGHT, I'M LOOKING
STRAIGHT AHEAD.
WHO ARE YOU?
YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP THROAT.
OKAY, NOW WHAT DO YOU KNOW...
OR YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP.
ALL RIGHT, CAN I...
OR YOU CAN CALL ME THROAT.
ALL RIGHT, THROAT, CAN I...
MY FRIENDS JUST CALL ME DT.
ENOUGH ALREADY.
ALL RIGHT.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW?
IT'S ALL TRUE.
ONE OF THE BOARD
MEMBERS WAS PULLING
THE OLD LIVER SWITCH.
WHEN HE WAS AFRAID
HE MIGHT GET CAUGHT,
HE HAD THE FILES
AND THE FAKE LIVER HEISTED.
NOW TELL ME, DEEP, WHO
ELSE KNEW ABOUT THIS?
CERTAIN PEOPLE
IN THE BUCHANAN ADMINISTRATION.
BUT THEY WERE AFRAID
THEY'D LOSE THEIR JOBS
IF THEY TALKED.
NOW, GO ON, BEAT IT.
I'VE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH.
I MUST GO HOME AND GARGLE.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, COME ON, CAN WE PRINT IT?
BUT YOU REALIZE IT CAME
STRAIGHT FROM THE TOP, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, BUT COME ON...
WAIT A SECOND,
YEAH, YEAH, EPSTEIN.
IF YOU GUYS ARE WRONG,
I COULD LOSE MY JOB.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY'D DO TO YOU.
WHAT?
PUT US IN A DUMBER CLASS?
LOOK, MR. KOTTER,
YOU GOT US STARTED
ON THIS NEWSPAPER THING.
NOW WHAT, DO YOU
WANT US TO BACK DOWN?
I'M NOT SAYING BACK DOWN,
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
EVERYTHING THAT'S INVOLVED HERE.
I BELIEVE THE STORY.
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GO WITH IT.
♪
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
HOW COULD YOU PRINT THIS?
MY ARTICLE'S THE TRUTH, LUDLOW.
I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT
YOUR ARTICLE, EPSTEIN,
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
HORSHACK'S GOSSIP COLUMN.
YOU MEAN "UP ARNOLD'S ALLEY"?
YEAH.
"WHAT WELL-KNOWN BUCHANAN
FIGURE WAS JUST DUMPED ON
BY HIS CHEERLEADER
GIRLFRIEND FROM SCARSDALE?
HINT, HIS INITIALS
ARE TODD LUDLOW."
KOTTER, PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS WANTS TO KNOW
IF YOU GAVE EPSTEIN AND
BARBARINO PERMISSION
TO PRINT THIS ARTICLE
ABOUT THE BREAK-IN.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. WOODMAN.
MR. WOODMAN, MR. WOODMAN,
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
I'M AN HONEST STUDENT.
IN MY WHOLE LIFE, I'VE
NEVER EVEN GOTTEN A B.
NEITHER HAVE I.
DO YOU REALIZE THE
IMPLICATIONS OF THIS ARTICLE?
YOU'RE ACCUSING A BOARD
MEMBER OF BURGLARY, CONSPIRACY,
ILLEGAL POSSESSION OF LIVER?
HEY, DON'T LET HIM COME DOWN
ON YOU LIKE THAT, MR. KOTTER.
THEY SHOULD PUT
THOSE GUYS IN JAIL
AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.
YEAH.
NOW, NOW, NOW, JUAN,
YOU HOT-BLOODED YOUNG TURK.
I'M A PUERTO RICAN JEW.
SAME THING. YOUR BLOOD IS HOT.
NOW LOOK, PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS IS GRATEFUL.
THE BOARD IS CONDUCTING
A FULL SCALE INVESTIGATION
WHICH WILL HAVE HIS
COMPLETE COOPERATION.
BUT THIS SHOULD MAKE THINGS
PRETTY HOT FOR OLD LAZARUS.
HE'LL RUE THE DAY THEY
MADE HIM PRINCIPAL OVER ME.
YOU SEE THIS?
THIS IS WHAT I
WAS TALKIN' ABOUT.
THIS IS THE POWER OF THE PRESS:
EXPOSING CORRUPTION,
UNSEATING THE MIGHTY,
AND BRINGING THEM
BEFORE THE BAR OF JUSTICE!
SEE, HE'S OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN.
SORRY, I'M ALL RIGHT.
I WENT AWAY FOR A WHILE.
I'M BACK.
WELL, ANYWAY, THIS BOARD MEMBER
WILL UNDOUBTEDLY HAVE TO RESIGN.
OH, PRINCIPAL LAZARUS TOLD
ME TO ASSURE ALL OF YOU
THAT FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE
GETTING REAL LIVER EVERY WEEK.
EW.
I HATE LIVER.
BUT IT'S BETTER THAN THAT
TEXTURED PROTEIN STUFF.
I LOVE TEXTURED PROTEIN.
IT HAS A NICE TEXTURE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT PUZZLES ME?
- WHAT'S THAT?
WHO WAS DEEP THROAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP.
IT WAS YOU, MR. WOODMAN?
OR YOU COULD CALL ME THROAT.
THAT'S THE VOICE, THAT'S IT!
OR YOU CAN CALL ME DT.
IT WAS WOODMAN!
WOODMAN!
♪
ALL RIGHT, FORGET
ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND.
LISTEN, GUYS, I GOTTA TELL
YOU A JOKE ABOUT MY UNCLE MAX
WHO HIRED SOME
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS.
OH, PLEASE, DON'T...
NO, NO, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA
LIKE THIS JOKE. IT'S A GOOD JOKE.
'CAUSE HE WAS A BARBER, RIGHT?
AND ONE DAY THIS GUY
COMES INTO HIS SHOP, HE SAYS,
"HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO
WAIT TO GET A HAIR CUT?"
SO MY UNCLE MAX SAYS,
"WELL, ABOUT AN HOUR."
THE GUY LEAVES, COMES
BACK THE NEXT DAY.
"HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO
WAIT TO GET A HAIR CUT?"
MAX SAYS, "ABOUT AN
HOUR." THE GUY LEAVES.
THIS GOES ON FOR
A WEEK, EVERY DAY.
"HOW LONG TO GET A HAIR CUT?"
"BOUT AN HOUR," GUY LEAVES.
UNCLE MAX IS GETTIN' CURIOUS
SO HE HIRES AN
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS GOIN' ON.
IT'S JUST LIKE YOU
AND ME, VINNIE.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
FOLLOWS THE GUY,
GOES BACK TO MY
UNCLE'S BARBERSHOP,
UNCLE MAX SAID, "WELL, DID YOU
FIND OUT WHERE THE GUY GOES
WHEN HE LEAVES HERE?"
REPORTER SAID,
"YEAH, TO YOUR HOUSE."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪
ABOUT MY UNCLE WAS A HUNTER?
YOUR UNCLE WAS A KOTTER, GABE.
- VERY FUNNY, JULIE.
- I KNOW.
MY UNCLE, CAUL
KOTTER, WAS A HUNTER.
NOT REALLY, BUT MY AUNT
KAY MADE HIM A HUNTER
'CAUSE HE DIDN'T HAVE A HOBBY
AND SHE THOUGHT IT'D BE NICE
IF HE TOOK UP HUNTING, RIGHT?
BOUGHT HIM A GUN, SHE
SAID, "GO OUT IN THE WOODS
AND FIND SOME GAME."
WHAT DID HE FIND?
WELL, HE WAS IN THE WOODS
AND THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL
COMES OUT OF THE BUSHES.
SHE'S WEARING THIS BEAUTIFUL
HUNTER OUTFIT, RIGHT?
WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, HE LOOKED AT HER
AND HE SAID, "ARE YOU GAME?"
AND SHE SAID, "YES."
SO HE SHOT HER.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
♪
LOOK AT THIS, LOOK AT THIS,
THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER'S
DOIN' IT AGAIN, THEY'RE
PUTTIN' DOWN A SWEATHOG.
"BOOM BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME
AS BUCHANAN BASKETBALLERS BOW."
AW, POOR FREDDIE.
WHO LETS HIM WRITE THIS JUNK?
WHO ELSE, THE FACULTY ADVISOR.
OH YEAH? WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO GET KOTTER AFTER HIM.
AH, WE CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
KOTTER IS THE FACULTY ADVISOR.
NICE DAY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
AH, FREDDIE, FREDDIE, MY
LITTLE AFRO-AMERICAN AMIGO.
OH, FREDDIE, FREDDIE, FREDDIE.
I'M SO SORRY.
I MEAN, ABOUT "BOOM
BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME
AS BUCHANAN BASKETBALLERS BOW."
BAD BREAK, BUCKAROO.
AH, DON'T WORRY
ABOUT IT, FREDDIE.
NOW MOST GUYS GO
THROUGH THEIR WHOLE LIFE
NEVER EVEN GETTIN' A CHANCE
TO BLOW THAT BIG GAME.
GOOD MORNING!
MR. KOTTER, HOW
COULD YOU LET THE BUGLE
PRINT SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
"BOOM BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME..."
ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD, ARNOLD.
WHAT?
IF YOU SAY THAT ONE MORE TIME,
YOU KNOW WHAT THE NEXT
HEADLINE'S GONNA READ?
WHAT?
"HORSHACK HOSPITALIZED AS
HEAVY HAMMER HITS HEAD HARD."
- YOU GOT ME?
- LOOK.
GOTCHA.
I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE GAME, FREDDIE,
BUT, UH, I'M AN
ADVISOR, NOT A SENSOR.
TODD, JUDY, AND THE REST OF
THE KIDS DOWN AT THE BUGLE,
THEY HAVE A RIGHT
TO THEIR OPINION.
OH YEAH, BUT NOT LIKE THIS.
LISTEN TO THIS.
"LAST NIGHT, FREDDIE WAS SO BAD
THE ONLY DRIBBLIN' HE DID WAS
DOWN THE FRONT OF HIS SHIRT."
HEY, MR. KOTTER, I
AIN'T NO SORE LOSER,
BUT IT JUST AIN'T BASKETBALL.
- THEY BLAME EVERYTHING ON US.
- YEAH.
EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING? COME ON, GUYS.
NOW YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE.
OH YEAH?
THEN HOW COME THE LAST
TIME THERE WAS A SOLAR ECLIPSE,
THE HEADLINE RAN,
"SWEATHOGS SWIPE SUN"?
NOW I TOLD THEM
NOT TO PRINT THAT,
BUT THEY HAD PROOF.
HEY, DID YOU SEE THIS
ON THE FRONT PAGE?
LISTEN TO THIS.
"PRINCIPAL LAZARUS'S OFFICE
WAS BROKEN INTO LAST NIGHT,
AND SOME OF HIS CONFIDENTIAL
FILES WERE STOLEN."
THEY PROBABLY
BLAME THAT ON US, TOO.
AIN'T THAT THE TRUTH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, YOU GUYS
ARE GETTIN' PARANOID.
NOW THEY'RE NOT GONNA BLAME
YOU FOR THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
ALL RIGHT, KOTTER.
WHICH ONE OF YOUR SWEATHOGS
IS GUILTY OF LAZARUS BREAK-IN?
MR. WOODMAN, WHY DO YOU BLAME
EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG
AROUND HERE ON THE SWEATHOGS?
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, I
SHOULDN'T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS
ABOUT YOUR STUDENTS.
WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
I WAS AT A PTA
MEETING, MR. WOODMAN,
ONE OF THE FEW WHO
SHOWED UP FOR YOUR SPEECH:
SELF DEFENSE WITH
A NUMBER 2 PENCIL.
LOOK, ALL I KNOW IS PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS ORDERED ME
TO MAKE A FULL INVESTIGATION
OF THIS BURGLARY.
NOW AS LONG AS
I'M VICE PRINCIPAL,
THERE WILL BE NO
WHITEWASH AT BUCHANAN.
OH, WELL, WASHINGTON:
"BOOM BOOM BLOWS BIG GAME
AS BUCHANAN BASKETBALLERS BOW."
I LOVE THAT, UH, DRIBBLING
DOWN THE SHIRT LINE.
I GOTTA GET YOU A
BIB, YOU GET IT, A BIB.
AIN'T THAT STUPID?
THINKIN' ONE OF US WOULD
STEAL THOSE DUMB FILES.
I MEAN, THAT'S REALLY AN INSULT.
WHAT WAS IN 'EM, EPSTEIN?
NOW WAIT A SECOND
NOW, WAIT A SECOND.
NOW I'M CLEAN ON THIS ONE.
YOU SEE THAT, MR. KOTTER?
I MEAN, EVEN WE STARTIN' TO
THINK EVERYTHING'S OUR FAULT.
- THAT'S RIGHT.
- YEAH, YEAH, LOOK.
WE'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR
EVERYTHING THAT GOES WRONG
AROUND HERE.
MAYBE ABOUT 75 PERCENT.
ON A GOOD DAY, MAYBE 80.
YOU WANNA KNOW WHY YOU
PEOPLE GET BLAMED FOR EVERYTHING?
BECAUSE YOU ARE NEVER
AROUND TO DEFEND YOURSELVES.
YOU KNOW, NOT
ONE... WAIT A SECOND...
NOT ONE SWEATHOG WORKS
ON THE STUDENT NEWSPAPER.
AW, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, TELL YOU
WHAT I AM GOING TO DO.
ANY SWEATHOG WHO WORKS
ON THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER
I WILL GIVE EXTRA CREDIT.
EXTRA CREDIT?
I DON'T EVEN CARE ABOUT
THE REGULAR CREDIT.
NEWSPAPERS MOLD PEOPLE'S MINDS.
WHO WANTS TO MAKE A MOLDY MIND?
DON'T YOU PEOPLE UNDERSTAND?
NEWSPAPERS HAVE CHANGED HISTORY.
THEY'VE MADE KINGS,
UNSEATED PRESIDENTS.
NEWSPAPERS HAVE ALTERED
THE COURSE OF HUMAN EVENTS.
HEY, JUST... HE'S
LOSIN' CONTROL.
SOMEBODY DO SOMETHIN',
IT'S EMBARRASSING.
SORRY, I, UH...
I WENT AWAY FOR A
WHILE, BUT NOW I'M BACK.
I'M JUST TRYING TO SHOW YOU
THAT NEWSPAPERS HAVE REAL POWER.
POWER?
- YOU HEAR THAT, ARNOLD?
- YEAH.
POWER.
SWEATHOG POWER.
- POWER TO THE SWEATHOG!
- YEAH, YEAH.
POWER TO THE SWEATHOG!
I CAN SEE IT NOW.
THE NEW YORK DAILY BARBARINO.
THE FIRST NEWSPAPER
WITH A CENTERFOLD.
LOOK, I'M SAYING USE
THE PRESS, DON'T ABUSE IT.
BECOME PART OF
IT, CONTRIBUTE TO IT.
MAYBE DO SOME
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTING, HUH?
FIND OUT WHO'S RESPONSIBLE
FOR THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
OH, IT'S JUST LIKE "ALL
THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
ALL RIGHT, BUT I GET
TO BE ROBERT REDFORD.
AND I GET TO BE DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
YOU DON'T LOOK
LIKE DUSTIN HOFFMAN.
"I'M WALKIN' HERE!"
OKAY, CHARLENE, I WANT YOU
TO REPORT ON THE SCHOOL PLAY.
IT'S CALLED "FIDDLER
ON MY SISTER."
AND TODD, I WANT YOU
TO FOLLOW UP ANY LEADS
ON THE PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS BURGLARY, OKAY?
- RIGHT.
- GOOD.
HI JUDY.
OH HI, MR. KOTTER.
LOOK, I BROUGHT SOME
NEW RECRUITS TO THE PAPER.
SWEATHOGS ON THE BUGLE?
CHAIN THE TYPEWRITERS,
STOP THE PRESSES.
NO, ON SECOND THOUGHT,
HIDE THE PRESSES.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT 'EM
ON THE SCHOOL CRIME BEAT?
THAT WAY THEY CAN BE RIGHT
THERE TO REPORT ON THEMSELVES.
EXCUSE ME A MINUTE.
MAY I HAVE A WORD
WITH YOU, TODD?
IN YOUR EAR WITH ROSY GRIER.
WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT
RIGHT HERE, MR. WASHINGTON?
MR. WASHINGTON WOULD LIKE TO
WRITE THE SCHOOL'S SPORTS PAGE.
YEAH.
AND I WOULD LIKE TO BE THE
BUCHANAN GOSSIP COLUMNIST.
I HAPPEN TO KNOW WHERE
ALL THE BODIES ARE BURIED
AROUND HERE.
SURE YOU DO.
LIKE YOU AND THAT
LITTLE CHEERLEADER
FROM ROD MCHUGHAN HIGH
SCHOOL IN SCARSDALE, TODD?
THE ONE WITH THE BIG POM-POMS?
AND WHAT ARE YOU
LAUGHING AT, JUDITH?
I HEAR THERE'S A VERY FANCY
PARK AVENUE PLASTIC SURGEON
WHO'S USING YOUR OLD
NOSE AS HIS WAITING ROOM.
OH, CUTE, REAL CUTE.
- ALL RIGHT.
- AND WE MUST NOT FORGET...
JUST HAVE A SEAT RIGHT
OVER HERE, RONA HORSHACK.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT SWEATHOGS
ON THE SCHOOL PAPER...
OH, JUDY, DON'T
YOU WORRY ABOUT IT.
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT JUST FINE,
AND I HAVE SOMETHING
ELSE FOR YOU...
WHAT EVERY NEWSPAPER NEEDS:
YOUR OWN TEAM OF CRACK
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS.
VINNIE BARBARINO
AND JUAN EPSTEIN.
VIN-STEIN!
HEY, DON'T WORRY, CHIEF.
WE'RE GONNA GET THE STORY
ON THIS LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
HEY EPSTEIN, WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SAVE TIME AND CONFESS?
HEY TODD, AS YOU SAY
IN THE NEWSPAPER BIZ,
PUT YOUR SUNDAY TIMES
WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.
BUCHANAN BUGLE?
CHIEF BUGLE SPEAKING.
THE CAFETERIA WAS
JUST BROKEN INTO!
THANKS!
HOW MUCH DID THEY TAKE?
NO MONEY, JUST 40
POUNDS OF RAW LIVER.
WHO WOULD WANT 40
POUNDS OF RAW LIVER?
MAYBE SOME CRAZED
DELICATESSEN OWNER.
IF WE DON'T HURRY, BY TOMORROW,
THAT LIVER COULD BE CHOPPED UP
AND IN SANDWICHES
ALL OVER BROOKLYN.
HE'S RIGHT.
TODD, YOU GO OVER TO
THE CAFETERIA RIGHT AWAY
AND SEE WHAT YOU CAN FIND OUT.
VIN-STEIN, YOU GUYS STAY ON
THE LAZARUS BURGLARY BREAK-IN.
- OKAY?
- GOTCHA, CHIEF.
COME ON, VINNIE, LET'S
FOLLOW UP OUR LEADS.
RIGHT.
WHAT LEADS?
OH YEAH.
WELL, IN THAT CASE,
LET'S GO HAVE LUNCH.
OH, KOTTER, LAZARUS TELLS
ME YOU'RE FACULTY ADVISOR
TO THE BUGLE THIS MONTH.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. WOODMAN,
AND WE'RE GONNA GET
TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS
BREAK-IN, DON'T WORRY.
YEP, ME AND VINNIE GONNA
INVESTIGATE THE PANTS OFF IT.
YEAH.
WELL, PRINCIPAL LAZARUS
HAS THOUGHT IT OVER
AND HE WANTS THE
INVESTIGATION DROPPED.
WHAT?
WHAT FOR?
FOR A VERY GOOD REASON:
HE SAID SO.
WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A SECOND,
WE'VE BEEN WORKIN'
ON THIS THING ALL DAY.
YEAH, WHAT'S GOIN' ON
HERE, MR. WOODMAN?
WELL, I DON'T SEEM TO BE
GETTING THROUGH TO YOU PEOPLE.
LET ME PHRASE IT
IN SWEATHOG TERMS.
PUT A CORK IN IT, CLOWNS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, MR. WOODMAN?
LITTLE TOO MUCH
HEAT IN THE KITCHEN?
YEAH, MR. WOODMAN,
THE KIDS ARE GETTIN'...
A CORK, KOTTER.
CORK IT.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST
LET 'EM TRY... CORK IT.
WHAT ARE THEY AFRAID OF?
CORK IT!
SINCE WHEN DID THEY
START WRAPPING TWINKIES
FROM THE INSIDE?
HEY, IT'S A NOTE!
I GOT A FORTUNE TWINKIE.
LET ME SEE THAT, ARNOLD.
HERE.
NOT THE TWINKIE, THE NOTE.
GIVE ME THE NOTE.
WHAT'S IN IT?
THIS LOOKS LIKE A TIP
ON THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
- YEAH.
- ALL RIGHT.
AND IT'S SIGNED DEEP THROAT.
WOW.
DEEP THROAT?
SO WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?
♪
AH, NO.
NO.
I GOT THE FEELIN' SOMEONE'S
LOOKIN' OVER MY SHOULDER.
I'M NOT SURE, VINNIE,
BUT I THINK IT'S ME.
AH!
YOU GOT IT.
ARE YOU THE GUY
WHO LEFT THE NOTE
IN HORSHACK'S TWINKIE?
YES, BUT I HAD NO CHOICE.
IT WOULDN'T FIT IN
HIS TOOTSIE ROLL.
WHO ARE YA?
I'M DEEP THROAT.
BUT YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP.
WELL, DEEP, DO YOU
KNOW WHO BROKE INTO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS'S OFFICE?
YES.
AND WHY THEY STOLE HIS FILES?
WHAT?
AND WHY THEY STOLE HIS FILES?
WHAT?
YOU DON'T GOTTA
DISGUISE YOUR VOICE.
IF YOU WANT TO LEARN THE TRUTH,
FOLLOW THE LIVER.
FOLLOW THE LIVER?
WHAT DO I DO WHEN
I CATCH UP TO IT?
THE TWO BREAK-INS ARE CONNECTED.
THIS THING GOES ALL
THE WAY TO THE TOP.
NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S GOIN' ON?
OH, LOOK, I'M SORRY TO GET
YOU DOWN HERE, MR. KOTTER...
YEAH, BUT THE PAPER
GOES TO PRESS TONIGHT
AND WE NEED THE FACULTY
ADVISOR'S APPROVAL
BEFORE WE CAN PRINT THIS
STORY ON THE LAZARUS BREAK-IN.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, I WAS JUST
HOME TELLIN' MY WIFE A JOKE.
IN A TUXEDO?
YEAH, WELL, ONCE A
WEEK WE PLAY NIGHTCLUB.
I GET DRESSED IN A TUXEDO
AND TELL JULIE JOKES
AND SHE SITS THERE AND
HECKLES ME IN AN EVENING GOWN.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME READ THIS.
I GOTTA GET BACK FOR
THE 11 O'CLOCK SHOW.
YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.
YOU MARRIED PEOPLE,
YOU DO THINGS LIKE THAT, RIGHT?
OTHERWISE YOU GET REAL BORED.
YEAH, SURE.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THE STORY, HUH?
HEY, WE GONNA BLOW THE
ROOF RIGHT OFF BUCHANAN.
YOU SURE OF YOUR
FACTS HERE, JUAN?
HEY, YOU GOTTA BE 18 TO
GET INTO YOUR NIGHTCLUB?
I WAS ONLY KIDDING,
VINNIE. I WAS AT A WEDDING.
OH, THAT'S TOO BAD.
IF YOU EVER DO
THAT, LET ME KNOW,
'CAUSE I'D LOVE TO COME
OVER AND PLAY BUSBOY.
SO COME ON, WHAT DO
YOU THINK OF THE STORY?
CAN WE PRINT IT?
LET ME GET THIS STRAIGHT.
YOU'RE SAYING THAT
THE LIVER ROBBERY
AND THE LAZARUS
BREAK-IN ARE CONNECTED?
RIGHT, RIGHT.
YOU SEE, SOME BIG SHOT
DOWN AT THE SCHOOL BOARD
HASN'T BEEN BUYIN' REAL LIVER.
NOW HE'S BEEN BUYIN' SOMETHIN'
CALLED TEXTURED PROTEIN.
LOOKS AND TASTES
LIKE REAL LIVER,
'CEPT IT'S CHEAPER.
IN OTHER WORDS, EVERY TUESDAY
INSTEAD OF NOT EATING LIVER,
I'VE BEEN NOT EATING
TEXTURED PROTEIN?
YEAH, AND THAT SOMEBODY HAS
BEEN POCKETIN' THE DIFFERENCE.
AND THE FILES THAT WERE
STOLEN FROM LAZARUS'S OFFICE,
THEY'RE GONNA PROVE IT.
IF WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
HERE IS TRUE, EPSTEIN,
THEN SOMEBODY AT THE
BUCHANAN ADMINISTRATION
HAD TO KNOW ABOUT IT.
RIGHT, AND THAT
SOMEBODY'S BEIN' COVERED UP
BY THE MR. BIG AT
THE SCHOOL BOARD.
YOU'VE GOTTA BE
SURE OF YOUR FACTS
BEFORE YOU CAN
PRINT A STORY LIKE THIS.
SEE, THIS IS HOT STUFF.
HOW RELIABLE ARE YOUR SOURCES?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST COME
ON AND DECIDE FOR YOURSELF?
YEAH, HE'S WAITIN' OUT
IN THE HALL RIGHT NOW.
NOW LOOK, WE
CAN'T GET TOO CLOSE.
HE WANTS TO KEEP
HIS IDENTITY A SECRET.
SO WALK THIS WAY.
DON'T COME ANY CLOSER.
KEEP LOOKING STRAIGHT AHEAD.
ALL RIGHT, I'M LOOKING
STRAIGHT AHEAD.
WHO ARE YOU?
YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP THROAT.
OKAY, NOW WHAT DO YOU KNOW...
OR YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP.
ALL RIGHT, CAN I...
OR YOU CAN CALL ME THROAT.
ALL RIGHT, THROAT, CAN I...
MY FRIENDS JUST CALL ME DT.
ENOUGH ALREADY.
ALL RIGHT.
CAN YOU TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW?
IT'S ALL TRUE.
ONE OF THE BOARD
MEMBERS WAS PULLING
THE OLD LIVER SWITCH.
WHEN HE WAS AFRAID
HE MIGHT GET CAUGHT,
HE HAD THE FILES
AND THE FAKE LIVER HEISTED.
NOW TELL ME, DEEP, WHO
ELSE KNEW ABOUT THIS?
CERTAIN PEOPLE
IN THE BUCHANAN ADMINISTRATION.
BUT THEY WERE AFRAID
THEY'D LOSE THEIR JOBS
IF THEY TALKED.
NOW, GO ON, BEAT IT.
I'VE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH.
I MUST GO HOME AND GARGLE.
SO WHAT DO YOU THINK,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
YEAH, COME ON, CAN WE PRINT IT?
BUT YOU REALIZE IT CAME
STRAIGHT FROM THE TOP, RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH, BUT COME ON...
WAIT A SECOND,
YEAH, YEAH, EPSTEIN.
IF YOU GUYS ARE WRONG,
I COULD LOSE MY JOB.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT
THEY'D DO TO YOU.
WHAT?
PUT US IN A DUMBER CLASS?
LOOK, MR. KOTTER,
YOU GOT US STARTED
ON THIS NEWSPAPER THING.
NOW WHAT, DO YOU
WANT US TO BACK DOWN?
I'M NOT SAYING BACK DOWN,
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
EVERYTHING THAT'S INVOLVED HERE.
I BELIEVE THE STORY.
WELL, DON'T JUST STAND THERE.
GO WITH IT.
♪
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
HOW COULD YOU PRINT THIS?
MY ARTICLE'S THE TRUTH, LUDLOW.
I'M NOT TALKIN' ABOUT
YOUR ARTICLE, EPSTEIN,
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT
HORSHACK'S GOSSIP COLUMN.
YOU MEAN "UP ARNOLD'S ALLEY"?
YEAH.
"WHAT WELL-KNOWN BUCHANAN
FIGURE WAS JUST DUMPED ON
BY HIS CHEERLEADER
GIRLFRIEND FROM SCARSDALE?
HINT, HIS INITIALS
ARE TODD LUDLOW."
KOTTER, PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS WANTS TO KNOW
IF YOU GAVE EPSTEIN AND
BARBARINO PERMISSION
TO PRINT THIS ARTICLE
ABOUT THE BREAK-IN.
THAT'S RIGHT, MR. WOODMAN.
MR. WOODMAN, MR. WOODMAN,
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.
I'M AN HONEST STUDENT.
IN MY WHOLE LIFE, I'VE
NEVER EVEN GOTTEN A B.
NEITHER HAVE I.
DO YOU REALIZE THE
IMPLICATIONS OF THIS ARTICLE?
YOU'RE ACCUSING A BOARD
MEMBER OF BURGLARY, CONSPIRACY,
ILLEGAL POSSESSION OF LIVER?
HEY, DON'T LET HIM COME DOWN
ON YOU LIKE THAT, MR. KOTTER.
THEY SHOULD PUT
THOSE GUYS IN JAIL
AND THROW AWAY THE KEY.
YEAH.
NOW, NOW, NOW, JUAN,
YOU HOT-BLOODED YOUNG TURK.
I'M A PUERTO RICAN JEW.
SAME THING. YOUR BLOOD IS HOT.
NOW LOOK, PRINCIPAL
LAZARUS IS GRATEFUL.
THE BOARD IS CONDUCTING
A FULL SCALE INVESTIGATION
WHICH WILL HAVE HIS
COMPLETE COOPERATION.
BUT THIS SHOULD MAKE THINGS
PRETTY HOT FOR OLD LAZARUS.
HE'LL RUE THE DAY THEY
MADE HIM PRINCIPAL OVER ME.
YOU SEE THIS?
THIS IS WHAT I
WAS TALKIN' ABOUT.
THIS IS THE POWER OF THE PRESS:
EXPOSING CORRUPTION,
UNSEATING THE MIGHTY,
AND BRINGING THEM
BEFORE THE BAR OF JUSTICE!
SEE, HE'S OUT OF CONTROL AGAIN.
SORRY, I'M ALL RIGHT.
I WENT AWAY FOR A WHILE.
I'M BACK.
WELL, ANYWAY, THIS BOARD MEMBER
WILL UNDOUBTEDLY HAVE TO RESIGN.
OH, PRINCIPAL LAZARUS TOLD
ME TO ASSURE ALL OF YOU
THAT FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE
GETTING REAL LIVER EVERY WEEK.
EW.
I HATE LIVER.
BUT IT'S BETTER THAN THAT
TEXTURED PROTEIN STUFF.
I LOVE TEXTURED PROTEIN.
IT HAS A NICE TEXTURE.
- YOU KNOW WHAT PUZZLES ME?
- WHAT'S THAT?
WHO WAS DEEP THROAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU CAN CALL ME DEEP.
IT WAS YOU, MR. WOODMAN?
OR YOU COULD CALL ME THROAT.
THAT'S THE VOICE, THAT'S IT!
OR YOU CAN CALL ME DT.
IT WAS WOODMAN!
WOODMAN!
♪
ALL RIGHT, FORGET
ABOUT THAT FOR A SECOND.
LISTEN, GUYS, I GOTTA TELL
YOU A JOKE ABOUT MY UNCLE MAX
WHO HIRED SOME
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTERS.
OH, PLEASE, DON'T...
NO, NO, YOU GUYS ARE GONNA
LIKE THIS JOKE. IT'S A GOOD JOKE.
'CAUSE HE WAS A BARBER, RIGHT?
AND ONE DAY THIS GUY
COMES INTO HIS SHOP, HE SAYS,
"HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO
WAIT TO GET A HAIR CUT?"
SO MY UNCLE MAX SAYS,
"WELL, ABOUT AN HOUR."
THE GUY LEAVES, COMES
BACK THE NEXT DAY.
"HOW LONG DO I HAVE TO
WAIT TO GET A HAIR CUT?"
MAX SAYS, "ABOUT AN
HOUR." THE GUY LEAVES.
THIS GOES ON FOR
A WEEK, EVERY DAY.
"HOW LONG TO GET A HAIR CUT?"
"BOUT AN HOUR," GUY LEAVES.
UNCLE MAX IS GETTIN' CURIOUS
SO HE HIRES AN
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
TO FIND OUT WHAT WAS GOIN' ON.
IT'S JUST LIKE YOU
AND ME, VINNIE.
SO WHAT HAPPENED?
INVESTIGATIVE REPORTER
FOLLOWS THE GUY,
GOES BACK TO MY
UNCLE'S BARBERSHOP,
UNCLE MAX SAID, "WELL, DID YOU
FIND OUT WHERE THE GUY GOES
WHEN HE LEAVES HERE?"
REPORTER SAID,
"YEAH, TO YOUR HOUSE."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪♪