Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 14 - Caruso's Way - full transcript
- JULIE.
- WHAT?
DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO WAS AN INVENTOR?
NO, WHAT DID HE INVENT?
WELL, HE INVENTED
A NEW DEODORANT.
HM, WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
INVISIBLE.
WHY WAS IT CALLED "INVISIBLE"?
BECAUSE IF YOU PUT
THIS DEODORANT ON,
YOU WOULD DISAPPEAR.
SMELL WOULD STAY THE SAME,
BUT NOBODY KNEW WHERE
IT WAS COMING FROM.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
OKAY, ANYBODY HAVE A
QUESTION ABOUT THE WAR OF 1812?
YEAH, WHEN DID IT START?
1492.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE TODAY.
IT'S LIKE YOUR
BRAINS ARE ABSENT.
SPEAKING ABOUT BRAINS BEING
ABSENT, WHERE'S BARBARINO?
UH, VINNIE CAME OUT
WITH SOME WISECRACKS
DURING GYM CLASS, SO
CARUSO WANTED TO HAVE,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE CHIT-CHAT
WITH HIM AFTERWARDS.
WHAT DID VINNIE SAY?
WELL, YOU KNOW VINNIE.
HE WAS CLOWNING AROUND
DURING GYMNASTICS,
HE GOT UP ON THE SIDE HORSE
AND HE WAS TRYING TO
DO HIS BARBARINO DANCE.
♪ I SAID BA BA BA,
BA BARBARINO ♪
♪ BA BA BA... ♪
EPSTEIN!
EPSTEIN, I GET THE PICTURE.
IT'S A LUCKY THING
HE DIDN'T BREAK A LEG.
OH, HE DID.
WHAT?
NOT VINNIE.
HE BROKE A LEG
ON THE SIDE HORSE.
SO, MR. CARUSO TOLD VINNIE
TO TAKE THE HORSE TO
WOODSHOP AND FIX IT.
AND THEN HE SAID,
"WHY DON'T WE JUST SHOOT IT?"
SO, MR. CARUSO, HE
GETS ALL RED IN THE FACE,
AND HE SAYS, "I WANT TO SEE YOU
IN MY OFFICE AFTER CLASS!"
I'M SURPRISED THAT
CARUSO GOT UPSET
OVER ONE LITTLE WISECRACK.
OH, SEE, I THINK IT WAS WHAT
VINNIE SAID TO HIM YESTERDAY.
CARUSO GOT REAL MAD
WHEN VINNIE TOLD HIM TO...
"GO BLOW IT OUT HIS WHISTLE."
AND ON TUESDAY, WHEN CARUSO
TOLD VINNIE HE TOOK TRACK IN COLLEGE,
VINNIE SAID HE WAS THE ONLY
GUY TO STOP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE RACE AND
ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T VINNIE YOUNGMAN.
HEY, VINNIE, WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOU AND MR. CARUSO?
NOTHING HAPPENED.
WHAT WAS YOU TEACHING
WHEN I WALKED IN?
GO BACK TO TEACHING THAT.
OKAY, LET'S GET BACK
TO THE WAR OF 1812.
I'D RATHER HEAR ABOUT THE WAR
BETWEEN VINNIE AND MR. CARUSO.
THAT'S VINNIE'S BUSINESS.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING
ELSE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
IN GYM BETWEEN
BARBARINO AND MR. CARUSO.
OH, I'LL TELL 'EM ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED IN GYM
BETWEEN BARBARINO
AND MR. CARUSO.
THERE'S A RUMOR FLOATING AROUND
THAT CARUSO CLOBBERED
BARBARINO OUTSIDE HIS OFFICE
IN FULL VIEW OF THE
GIRLS' GYM CLASS.
HOLD ON!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT
CARUSO ACTUALLY HIT VINNIE?
THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO ESTABLISH.
NOW, YOU KNOW,
KOTTER, THERE ARE RULES
AGAINST HITTING
STUDENTS, EVEN SWEATHOGS.
WHY, I DON'T KNOW.
VINNIE, IS THIS TRUE? DID
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN?
NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.
THEM GIRLS MUST
BE SEEING THINGS.
NOW THAT'S THE RIGHT
ATTITUDE, BARBARINO.
UH, NO VISIBLE BRUISES?
GOOD.
THAT MEANS NO
STUDENT WAS STRUCK,
PARENTS DON'T HAVE
TO COME TO SCHOOL,
AND MOST OF ALL,
PRINCIPLE LAZARUS
CAN GET OFF MY DONKEY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
READ THAT CHAPTER
ON THE WAR OF 1812.
WE ALREADY DONE THAT.
THEN READ CHAPTER 14 AGAIN.
ARE YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HE'S FINE, HE'S FINE.
OKAY, VINNIE, YOU WANT TO
TELL US WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHAT IS TO TELL?
LOOK, I WAS IN
THE OFFICE, RIGHT?
AND CARUSO WAS CHEWING ME
OUT ABOUT WISECRACKING ALL WEEK.
SO I GO, I SAY, "YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,"
AND I WALK OUT THE DOOR, HE
TURNS AROUND AND HE HITS ME.
GEE, VINNIE.
TO GET HIT IN FRONT OF
THE GIRLS' GYM CLASS.
BY TONIGHT, ALL OF BROOKLYN
IS GONNA KNOW ABOUT THIS.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
THOSE GIRLS?
IT'LL BE ON THE
SEVEN O'CLOCK NEWS.
NOW LOOK, VINNIE, I
THINK WE GOT A CASE HERE.
I'M GONNA SEND YOU TO MY
BROTHER'S PUBLIC OFFENDER.
HE'S WITH A BIG LAW FIRM:
SHAPIRO, SHAPIRO, AND WHIPLASH.
THEN WE'RE GONNA GET CARUSO
RIGHT BY THE GYM SHORTS.
ALL RIGHT!
SO, VINNIE, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
I'M PLANNING A STRATEGY
RIGHT NOW, RIGHT
WHILE WE'RE TALKING.
YEAH, LIKE WHICH FIST
HE'S GONNA USE FIRST.
YEAH.
AMBUSH OR BROAD DAYLIGHT?
UH, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
I THINK YOU HAVE
ANOTHER CLASS TO GO TO
BECAUSE I HAVE ANOTHER
ONE COMING IN HERE,
SO WHY DON'T YOU COOL DOWN
AND GIVE MR. BARBARINO
A CHANCE TO COOL DOWN?
- THAT'S FINE.
- ALL RIGHT.
BE BRAVE, LITTLE SOLDIER.
YOU DO WHAT YOU
GOTTA DO, VINNIE.
YEAH, IT AIN'T NOTHIN'
TO IT, A BABY CAN DO IT.
HONEY, WOULD YOU GET THE DOOR?
I GOT THE REFRIGERATOR
DOOR, YOU GET THE FRONT DOOR.
HI, MRS. KOTTER, HOW YOU DOIN'?
I JUST HAVE A LITTLE
COLD, I'M OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY I
BARGED IN ON YOU LIKE THIS,
BUT, YOU KNOW.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, WE WERE EXPECTING YOU.
MR. KOTTER TOLD ME
ALL ABOUT IT, VINNIE.
HEY, DID YOU GUYS
WATCH THE NEWS TONIGHT?
WAS THERE ANYTHING
ABOUT ME AND CARUSO IN IT?
NO, BUT THEY BROKE
RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE
OF BOWLING FOR DENTURES.
"CARUSO CLOUTS
BARBARINO, FILM AT 11."
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
YES, VINNIE, HE'S KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING, VINNIE, COME
ON, YOU WANT A SODA?
YEAH, I'D LOVE A SODA,
WHAT KIND YOU GOT?
LET'S SEE, WE GOT, UH,
PEPSI, GRAPE, ORANGE,
STRAWBERRY, RASPBERRY,
AND NON-CARBONATED.
YOU GOT ROOT BEER?
GOT PEPSI, GRAPE, ORANGE,
RASPBERRY, STRAWBERRY,
AND NON-CARBONATED.
NO ROOT BEER?
PEPSI... GRAPE... ORANGE...
STRAWBERRY... RASPBERRY...
NON-CARBONATED.
I LIKE ROOT BEER.
I'LL HAVE A PEPSI.
HAVE A PEPSI.
WELL, HOW'D IT GO TODAY?
TERRIBLE.
I'VE BEEN GETTING
CALLS ALL DAY LONG.
MY BROTHER, HE CALLED ME,
HE SAID HE'S BEEN DISHONORED.
HE'S CHANGING HIS
NAME TO LEFKOWITZ.
IT'S REALLY STUPID, AIN'T IT?
LEFKOWITZ BARBARINO?
COME ON, VINNIE, SIT DOWN.
LOOK, YOU GOT A PROBLEM,
AND WE'RE GONNA WORK ON IT,
SOLVE IT.
BUT YOU GOTTA TELL ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY
THINKING OF HITTING HIM.
OH, COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
I'M BEYOND THAT NOW.
I'M HAPPY TO HEAR
YOU SAY THAT, VINNIE.
I'M GONNA BORROW MY UNCLE'S
CEMENT TRUCK AND RUN HIM OVER.
VINNIE!
IT WAS A JOKE, MRS.
KOTTER, JUST A JOKE.
VINNIE, BE SERIOUS.
DON'T LET YOURSELF GET
PUSHED INTO HITTING HIM.
IF YOU DO, YOU COULD GET
THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL.
OH, COME ON, THAT'S SOME CHOICE.
IF I HIT HIM, I GET THROWN
OUT OF SCHOOL, RIGHT?
IF I DON'T HIT HIM, I GET
LAUGHED OUT OF SCHOOL.
WHAT IF I WAIT TILL I
GRADUATE, THEN I HIT HIM?
COME ON, VINNIE, YOU THINK
YOU CAN WAIT 15 YEARS?
BOY, YOU'RE FUNNY
TODAY, AREN'T YOU?
BOY, EVERYBODY'S ON MY
CASE TODAY, CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
VINNIE, I'M SURE
THAT YOUR FRIENDS
UNDERSTAND THE
SITUATION THAT YOU'RE IN.
NO, I DON'T THINK
SO, MRS. KOTTER.
I MEAN, ALL THEY KNOW
IS THAT VINNIE BARBARINO
GOT SLAPPED AROUND.
I FEEL LIKE NOTHIN'!
I FEEL LIKE A CRUMB!
- DID YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY?
- OH, NO, VINNIE, WAIT.
YOU'RE ASKING FOR
ONE OF HIS STORIES.
LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED ONCE.
TOO LATE.
THERE WAS THIS FRIEND OF MINE...
BONZO MORETTI.
BONZO MORETTI.
NOW, BONZO WAS JUST LIKE YOU.
BONZO WAS BIGGER THAN YOU,
AND ONE DAY, CARUSO, BOOM,
SLAPS HIM, RIGHT?
BONZO HAD THE SAME
PROBLEM AS YOU HAD.
HE KNEW THAT IF
HE HIT CARUSO BACK,
HE'D GET THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL,
AND THAT WOULD
REALLY AFFECT HIS FAMILY,
ESPECIALLY HIS MOTHER.
YEAH, SO WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, BONZO DECIDED
THAT HIS FAMILY
WAS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN ANY REVENGE,
SO HE NEVER LAID
A HAND ON CARUSO.
IS THAT IT, IS THAT THE STORY?
NO, THERE'S MORE.
BONZO'S MOTHER FOUND
OUT WHAT HAPPENED ANYWAY,
AND SHE WENT TO
SCHOOL THE NEXT WEEK
AND HIT CARUSO WITH
AN ITALIAN SALAMI.
NAH, MY MOTHER WOULD
NEVER HIT NOBODY.
SHE JUST PRAYS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE SHE'D PRAY THAT CARUSO
WOULD HAVE AN ACCIDENT.
VINNIE, DO ME A FAVOR.
PROMISE ME YOU WON'T DO
ANYTHING IN SCHOOL TOMORROW.
WELL, I HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING FOR TWO YEARS.
WHAT SHOULD MAKE
TOMORROW ANY DIFFERENT?
LOOK, JUST GIVE ME 24 HOURS.
I'LL TRY AND SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.
NAH, I DON'T THINK
I COULD DO THAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU TO THE
SAME TIME TOMORROW.
LOOK...
VINNIE, MR. KOTTER
WILL HANDLE THINGS,
I KNOW THAT HE'LL
DO THE RIGHT THING.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I HOPE.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, COULD I
TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SURE, VINNIE.
LOOK, NOW, UM...
I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU HOW TO
RUN YOUR HOUSEHOLD OR NOTHIN',
BUT PEOPLE DO LIKE ROOT BEER.
BYE, VINNIE.
NOW, LOOK, IT DON'T
MATTER WHAT KIND.
DRAFT, REGULAR...
SEE YOU LATER, VINNIE.
HAVE A NICE NIGHT.
AND DANISH, A NICE DANISH.
YOU DRINK THE ROOT
BEER, YOU EAT THE DANISH...
- BYE.
- GOOD TIME, RIGHT?
- TOMORROW.
- BYE, VINNIE.
♪
BROWN-BAGGING IT
AGAIN, HUH, KOTTER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
CAFETERIA TOO EXPENSIVE?
- HAVE A GRAPE, MR. WOODMAN.
- THANK YOU.
I THINK I'M GONNA BE
BROWN-BAGGING A LOT
AFTER THAT LUNCH YESTERDAY.
OH, YOU MEAN THE
ROAST LEG OF SURPRISE?
ROAST LEG OF SURPRISE.
THAT'S THE STUPIDEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD OF IN MY LIFE.
WELL, I ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH.
MINE HAD A TOY WHISTLE IN IT.
MR. PEARLMAN WAS
THE LUCKY ONE THOUGH.
HE GOT A COMPLETE
SET OF LUGGAGE.
GO AHEAD, HAVE SOME
MORE GRAPES, GO AHEAD.
MR. WOODMAN, LET ME GIVE
YOU A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.
SUPPOSE TWO OF YOUR
TEACHERS HAD A CONFRONTATION.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I'D PROBABLY FIRE YOU.
CAN I HAVE MY GRAPES BACK?
WHO'S THE OTHER TEACHER?
MR. CARUSO.
OH, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
I'D DEFINITELY FIRE YOU.
MR. WOODMAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY
EVERYBODY'S AFRAID OF CARUSO.
I MEAN, EVERYONE KNOWS
HIS METHODS ARE WRONG,
BUT NOBODY DOES
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
HE'S AN ORDINARY
MAN, MR. WOODMAN.
TRY TO IMAGINE HIM
IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
OH, YOU'RE SICK.
SICK, KOTTER!
OH, HELLO, LOU.
HI, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU KNOW, LOU, IN
THE TWENTY-ODD YEARS
I'VE KNOWN YOU, I
NEVER ONCE TRIED
TO IMAGINE YOU IN
YOUR UNDERWEAR.
WELL, I THINK WOODMAN'S
GONE OVER THE EDGE, KOTTER.
YUP, THE OLD PILOT
LIGHT'S GONE OUT.
I THINK IT'S JUST A GAS LEAK.
YEAH, MAYBE.
ANYWAY, I HAD A NOTE IN MY
BOX YOU WANTED TO SEE ME.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
LOU, HOW LONG WE
KNOWN EACH OTHER?
FIFTEEN, SIXTEEN YEARS?
YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YEAH, YOU AND YOUR FRIEND, BOZO.
BONZO!
BONZO.
HE WAS THE ONE WHO
HAD THAT WACKY MOTHER.
SHE HIT ME WITH A SALAMI ONCE.
REMEMBER?
WELL, SHE FELT BAD, YOU
KNOW, YOU HIT HER KID.
HOW'D YOU FEEL WHEN SHE
HIT YOU WITH THE SALAMI?
GREASY.
LOU, THAT'S WHAT I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
HITTING KIDS.
NAMELY ONE VINNIE BARBARINO.
NOW, LOOK, GABE.
I LIKE YOU, WE GET
ALONG JUST FINE.
LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY.
YOU WORK YOUR WAY,
I'LL WORK MINE, OKAY?
LOU, WHEN I WAS A STUDENT
AND I HEARD THAT
YOU PUNCHED A KID,
IT BOTHERED ME.
NOW THAT I'M A TEACHER,
IT BOTHERS ME A LOT MORE.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE MY KIDS.
NOW, LISTEN, GABE,
THIS IS A TOUGH SCHOOL
WITH TOUGH KIDS.
I TEACH THEM THE
BEST WAY I KNOW HOW.
ONCE IN A WHILE, ONE OF
THEM GETS A LITTLE TOO FRESH
AND I MIGHT SLAP ONE OF THEM.
SLAP NOW, NOT PUNCH.
IT'S NOTHING, ANYWAY.
IT WAS SOMETHING TO BARBARINO.
BARBARINO?
OH, GABE, LET ME TELL
YOU ABOUT THIS BARBARINO.
NOW, ALL WEEK LONG, THAT KID
HAS BEEN MAKING
WISECRACKS IN MY CLASS,
BUT YESTERDAY, HE
WENT NUTS ON ME.
HE JUMPED UP ON
TOP OF A SIDE HORSE
AND STARTS HOLLERING
OUT HIS NAME.
♪ BA BA, BA BARBARINO ♪
I SWEAR, THERE'S SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THAT BOY, GABE.
ANYWAY, I TOOK
HIM INTO MY OFFICE
FOR A LITTLE TALK, YOU KNOW?
I SAID, "NOW, LISTEN, KID,
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY
MORE OF THOSE WISECRACKS."
HE SAID, "WHAT?"
NOW HE TALKS.
I SAID, "THE WISECRACKS
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING ALL WEEK."
HE SAID, "WHERE?"
I SAID, "IN THE GYM."
HE SAID, "WHY?"
GABE, THIS THING
WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
ANYWAY, ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE
JUST GETS UP AND WALKS OUT.
WELL, I GAVE A LITTLE
SHOT, DIDN'T EVEN HURT HIM.
ANYWAY, THEN HE
TURNED AROUND AND SAID,
"WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?"
SO, JUST LIKE
HIM, I SAID, "WHAT?"
HE SAID, "WHAT'D
YOU HIT ME FOR?"
I SAID, "WHERE?"
AND THEN HE JUST LEFT.
IT'S NOTHIN', LOOK, I'LL
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
LOU!
SLAPPING, PUNCHING, IT'S NO WAY
TO GET THROUGH TO A KID.
IT'S JUST WRONG.
PLUS YOU WERE
INDISCREET, YOU SLAPPED HIM
RIGHT IN FRONT OF
A GIRLS' GYM CLASS.
YEAH, WELL, IT WASN'T
SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THAT WAY.
WELL, IT DID.
VINNIE'S GONNA DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT,
NOT BECAUSE HE WANTS TO,
HE FEELS HE HAS TO.
COME ON, NOW, GABE,
JUST WHAT IS HE GONNA DO?
LOU, I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.
YOU HUMILIATED HIM.
HE'S A STREET KID.
HE'S NOT A SCHOLAR,
HE'S NOT AN ATHLETE.
HE'S GOT HIS
PRIDE, HIS POSITION.
YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM
HIM, WHAT'S HE GOT LEFT?
HIS BIG MOUTH, THAT'S
WHAT HE'S GOT LEFT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO ANYWAY, APOLOGIZE?
YES, I WANT YOU TO
COME TO MY CLASS
THIS AFTERNOON, I'M
GONNA HAVE VINNIE
SAY HE'S SORRY FOR
MAKING THE WISECRACKS,
AND I WANT YOU TO SAY
YOU'RE SORRY FOR HITTING HIM.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, GABE.
LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT THE
GIRLS SAW WHAT HAPPENED,
BUT REALLY NOW, COME ON,
DON'T ASK ME TO APOLOGIZE
IN FRONT OF A CLASS,
ESPECIALLY THIS CLASS.
LISTEN, GABE,
I'VE BEEN IN THIS
SCHOOL 28 YEARS.
I GOT MY PRIDE, I
GOT MY POSITION.
YOUR WHAT?
MY PRIDE, MY... LIKE
VINNIE BARBARINO?
LISTEN, GABE, I'M
A GOOD TEACHER.
THOSE KIDS RESPECT ME.
LOU, THEY FEAR YOU.
COME HERE THIS AFTERNOON
AND GIVE THEM A CHANCE
TO RESPECT YOU.
OKAY.
OKAY, GABE.
VINNIE, VINNIE.
HOW'D IT GO IN GYM TODAY?
I DIDN'T GO.
I WASN'T GONNA SPEND
40 MINUTES IN THAT CLASS.
HEY, YOUR TIME IS
UP. WHAT'D YOU DO?
VINNIE, I THINK I
SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM.
CARUSO IS COMING
TO OUR CLASS TODAY.
WHAT?
WHAT DID I CUT GYM FOR?
LISTEN, I MADE A DEAL.
WHEN HE COMES IN, I WANT
YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM.
THEN I'M GONNA...
THAT'S SOME DEAL.
I GET HIT, AND I GOTTA
APOLOGIZE TO HIM?
IT'S A GOOD THING I
DIDN'T GIVE YOU 48 HOURS.
YOU'D HAVE ME
PAINTING HIS GARAGE.
- LET ME FINISH, OKAY?
- ALL RIGHT.
NOW AFTER YOU APOLOGIZE
TO HIM, HE'S GONNA SAY
THAT HE'S SORRY FOR HITTING YOU.
YEAH?
YOU'RE KIDDIN'.
IN THIS CLASS RIGHT OVER
HERE, THE SWEATHOGS?
OKAY, THEN YOU'RE GONNA
SHAKE HANDS WITH THE MAN,
AND THE WHOLE THING
IS GONNA BE OVER, OKAY?
WAIT A MINUTE, LET
ME THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME THINK.
HE COMES IN THE CLASS
AND I SAY TO HIM I'M SORRY,
AND THE GUYS GO, "WHOA,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT," RIGHT?
AND THEN HE SAYS TO ME,
"I'M SORRY FOR HITTING YOU."
AND THE KIDS GO, "WOW!"
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
HEY, VINNIE, VINNIE,
DIDN'T SEE IN GYM CLASS,
DID WE, GUYS?
NO, NO, THAT'S BECAUSE
VINNIE DIDN'T WANT
TO MEET UP WITH ANOTHER RIGHT...
FROM MR. CARUSO.
OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS.
I DO NOT BLAME VINNIE
FOR BEING AFRAID.
MR. CARUSO IS A
VERY BRUTE PERSON.
HE'S A BULLY,
AND... AND A MEANIE.
AND HERE HE IS NOW!
HELLO, MR. CARUSO!
GOOD AFTERNOON, PEOPLE.
VINNIE.
UM, MR. CARUSO, I'D
JUST LIKE TO SAY TO YOU...
I'D LIKE TO SAY TO
YOU THAT I'M SORRY
FOR MOUTHING OFF
IN GYM ALL WEEK.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT!
I HEAR NOTHING.
IF I DIDN'T HEAR THAT
WITH MY OWN EYES,
I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT.
JUST WAIT A MINUTE, WOULD
YOU, JUST WAIT A MINUTE.
HE'S GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY TO ME, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, GO AHEAD.
LOU, DON'T YOU HAVE,
UH, ANYTHING TO SAY?
YEAH, HE'S GOT A LOT TO SAY.
GO AHEAD.
HE'S GONNA SAY THAT
HE'S SORRY THAT HE HIT ME,
AND THEN HE'S GONNA APOLOGIZE
IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS.
GO ON, SAY IT, GO AHEAD.
OH, COME ON!
SAY IT!
LET'S HEAR IT, SPEAK UP!
A DEAL WAS MADE.
THAT'S RIGHT, A DEAL WAS
MADE, AND THE DEAL WAS
THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
APOLOGIZE TO ME IN THIS CLASS,
THEN I WAS SUPPOSED
TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU,
BUT I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
NO, THAT'S JUST
NOT MY STYLE, SON.
MY STYLE IS TO
SETTLE THIS LIKE A MAN.
WHAT?
SETTLE IT, THAT'S WHAT.
WHERE?
RIGHT HERE.
WHEN?
RIGHT NOW. STAND UP, BARBARINO.
COME OVER HERE.
LOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST RELAX, WILL YOU, GABE?
RELAX.
ALL RIGHT NOW, BARBARINO.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO ARM WRESTLE.
YOU'RE IN SHAPE.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
TOLD ME "ARM WRESTLING,"
I WAS GETTING SCARED OVER THERE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
YOU KNOW, MY HANDS,
THEY'RE REGISTERED.
AT EVERY DRIVE-IN IN BROOKLYN.
WELL, OKAY, WISE GUY,
LET'S GO, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
OH!
DUELING FOREARMS!
HOW MACHO!
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK, I'M
GONNA HOLD YOUR HANDS.
NOW, WHEN I COUNT TO
THREE, YOU START TO GO, OKAY?
NOW, BRACE YOURSELVES.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!
THERE'S WOODMAN!
HEY!
EASY, EASY, EASY!
VINNIE, COME ON.
YOU DO THIS RIGHT,
WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE.
PUT YOUR ARM UP THERE.
NOW, YOU DON'T USE THIS ARM,
AND YOU STAY ON THE FLOOR, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, I LOST MY
HEAD FOR A SECOND.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, GO AHEAD.
WELL, YOU MAY
BE A WISE GUY, KID,
BUT YOU GOT A GREAT
FOREARM THERE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU AIN'T SO
BAD YOURSELF FOR AN OLD MAN.
AND LISTEN, THE REST
OF YOU WISE GUYS HERE,
I'LL SEE YOU IN GYM CLASS
TOMORROW AND DON'T BE LATE.
- RIGHT.
- AND VINNIE...
I'LL MARK YOU PRESENT
IN GYM CLASS TODAY.
HE HIT ME AGAIN!
HEY, THAT WAS A LITTLE JOKE.
SEE YOU TOMORROW, KIDS.
YOU DID GOOD, MAN,
YOU DID ALL RIGHT.
I GOTTA ASK YOU
ONE QUESTION, LOU.
DID YOU LET VINNIE BEAT YOU?
YOU'RE A HELL OF
A TEACHER, GABE.
PUT HER THERE.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, GABE?
WHEN YOU WENT TO
SCHOOL HERE, I TAUGHT YOU,
BUT TODAY, YOU TAUGHT ME.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
YOU'RE A BETTER
STUDENT THAN I WAS.
LISTEN, GABE,
EVERYBODY WAS A BETTER
STUDENT THAN YOU WERE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
♪
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR
WHEN MY UNCLE MOE
WENT TO MIAMI BEACH?
NO, GO AHEAD.
OKAY, MY UNCLE
MOE'S IN MIAMI BEACH,
AND HE'S AT THE HOTEL,
RIGHT, STAYING AT A HOTEL,
HE WANTS TO GO SWIMMING,
SO HE GOES DOWN TO THE POOL,
HE'S ABOUT TO JUMP
IN, AND A LITTLE OLD MAN
IS SITTING THERE IN A
LOUNGE CHAIR, RIGHT,
JUST GETTING HIS SUN.
MY UNCLE MOE SAYS TO HIM,
"EXCUSE ME, SIR,
HOW'S THE WATER?"
WHAT DID THE OLD MAN SAY?
OLD MAN SAYS, "LUKEWARM."
SO, LOU JUMPS INTO THE POOL,
AND IT'S FREEZING, IT'S
LIKE POLAR BEAR TIME.
ICE, RIGHT?
HE SWIMS AS FAST AS HE
CAN TO THE OTHER SIDE,
HE GETS OUT, HE'S COLD,
HE GOES UP TO THE OLD MAN,
HE SAYS, "HOW
COULD YOU TELL ME..."
"THAT THAT WATER WAS LUKEWARM?"
THE OLD MAN SAID,
"WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
LOOKED WARM TO ME."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
- WHAT?
DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO WAS AN INVENTOR?
NO, WHAT DID HE INVENT?
WELL, HE INVENTED
A NEW DEODORANT.
HM, WHAT WAS IT CALLED?
INVISIBLE.
WHY WAS IT CALLED "INVISIBLE"?
BECAUSE IF YOU PUT
THIS DEODORANT ON,
YOU WOULD DISAPPEAR.
SMELL WOULD STAY THE SAME,
BUT NOBODY KNEW WHERE
IT WAS COMING FROM.
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
OKAY, ANYBODY HAVE A
QUESTION ABOUT THE WAR OF 1812?
YEAH, WHEN DID IT START?
1492.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S THE
MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE TODAY.
IT'S LIKE YOUR
BRAINS ARE ABSENT.
SPEAKING ABOUT BRAINS BEING
ABSENT, WHERE'S BARBARINO?
UH, VINNIE CAME OUT
WITH SOME WISECRACKS
DURING GYM CLASS, SO
CARUSO WANTED TO HAVE,
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE CHIT-CHAT
WITH HIM AFTERWARDS.
WHAT DID VINNIE SAY?
WELL, YOU KNOW VINNIE.
HE WAS CLOWNING AROUND
DURING GYMNASTICS,
HE GOT UP ON THE SIDE HORSE
AND HE WAS TRYING TO
DO HIS BARBARINO DANCE.
♪ I SAID BA BA BA,
BA BARBARINO ♪
♪ BA BA BA... ♪
EPSTEIN!
EPSTEIN, I GET THE PICTURE.
IT'S A LUCKY THING
HE DIDN'T BREAK A LEG.
OH, HE DID.
WHAT?
NOT VINNIE.
HE BROKE A LEG
ON THE SIDE HORSE.
SO, MR. CARUSO TOLD VINNIE
TO TAKE THE HORSE TO
WOODSHOP AND FIX IT.
AND THEN HE SAID,
"WHY DON'T WE JUST SHOOT IT?"
SO, MR. CARUSO, HE
GETS ALL RED IN THE FACE,
AND HE SAYS, "I WANT TO SEE YOU
IN MY OFFICE AFTER CLASS!"
I'M SURPRISED THAT
CARUSO GOT UPSET
OVER ONE LITTLE WISECRACK.
OH, SEE, I THINK IT WAS WHAT
VINNIE SAID TO HIM YESTERDAY.
CARUSO GOT REAL MAD
WHEN VINNIE TOLD HIM TO...
"GO BLOW IT OUT HIS WHISTLE."
AND ON TUESDAY, WHEN CARUSO
TOLD VINNIE HE TOOK TRACK IN COLLEGE,
VINNIE SAID HE WAS THE ONLY
GUY TO STOP IN THE MIDDLE
OF THE RACE AND
ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.
WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL, WELL.
IF IT ISN'T VINNIE YOUNGMAN.
HEY, VINNIE, WHAT HAPPENED
WITH YOU AND MR. CARUSO?
NOTHING HAPPENED.
WHAT WAS YOU TEACHING
WHEN I WALKED IN?
GO BACK TO TEACHING THAT.
OKAY, LET'S GET BACK
TO THE WAR OF 1812.
I'D RATHER HEAR ABOUT THE WAR
BETWEEN VINNIE AND MR. CARUSO.
THAT'S VINNIE'S BUSINESS.
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING
ELSE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED
IN GYM BETWEEN
BARBARINO AND MR. CARUSO.
OH, I'LL TELL 'EM ABOUT
WHAT HAPPENED IN GYM
BETWEEN BARBARINO
AND MR. CARUSO.
THERE'S A RUMOR FLOATING AROUND
THAT CARUSO CLOBBERED
BARBARINO OUTSIDE HIS OFFICE
IN FULL VIEW OF THE
GIRLS' GYM CLASS.
HOLD ON!
ARE YOU SAYING THAT
CARUSO ACTUALLY HIT VINNIE?
THAT'S WHAT I'M
TRYING TO ESTABLISH.
NOW, YOU KNOW,
KOTTER, THERE ARE RULES
AGAINST HITTING
STUDENTS, EVEN SWEATHOGS.
WHY, I DON'T KNOW.
VINNIE, IS THIS TRUE? DID
THIS ACTUALLY HAPPEN?
NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.
THEM GIRLS MUST
BE SEEING THINGS.
NOW THAT'S THE RIGHT
ATTITUDE, BARBARINO.
UH, NO VISIBLE BRUISES?
GOOD.
THAT MEANS NO
STUDENT WAS STRUCK,
PARENTS DON'T HAVE
TO COME TO SCHOOL,
AND MOST OF ALL,
PRINCIPLE LAZARUS
CAN GET OFF MY DONKEY.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
READ THAT CHAPTER
ON THE WAR OF 1812.
WE ALREADY DONE THAT.
THEN READ CHAPTER 14 AGAIN.
ARE YOU OKAY?
- YEAH, YEAH.
- HE'S FINE, HE'S FINE.
OKAY, VINNIE, YOU WANT TO
TELL US WHAT REALLY HAPPENED?
WHAT'S HAPPENING, MAN,
WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WHAT IS TO TELL?
LOOK, I WAS IN
THE OFFICE, RIGHT?
AND CARUSO WAS CHEWING ME
OUT ABOUT WISECRACKING ALL WEEK.
SO I GO, I SAY, "YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,"
AND I WALK OUT THE DOOR, HE
TURNS AROUND AND HE HITS ME.
GEE, VINNIE.
TO GET HIT IN FRONT OF
THE GIRLS' GYM CLASS.
BY TONIGHT, ALL OF BROOKLYN
IS GONNA KNOW ABOUT THIS.
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
THOSE GIRLS?
IT'LL BE ON THE
SEVEN O'CLOCK NEWS.
NOW LOOK, VINNIE, I
THINK WE GOT A CASE HERE.
I'M GONNA SEND YOU TO MY
BROTHER'S PUBLIC OFFENDER.
HE'S WITH A BIG LAW FIRM:
SHAPIRO, SHAPIRO, AND WHIPLASH.
THEN WE'RE GONNA GET CARUSO
RIGHT BY THE GYM SHORTS.
ALL RIGHT!
SO, VINNIE, WHAT
ARE YOU GONNA DO?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT,
I'M PLANNING A STRATEGY
RIGHT NOW, RIGHT
WHILE WE'RE TALKING.
YEAH, LIKE WHICH FIST
HE'S GONNA USE FIRST.
YEAH.
AMBUSH OR BROAD DAYLIGHT?
UH, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN,
I THINK YOU HAVE
ANOTHER CLASS TO GO TO
BECAUSE I HAVE ANOTHER
ONE COMING IN HERE,
SO WHY DON'T YOU COOL DOWN
AND GIVE MR. BARBARINO
A CHANCE TO COOL DOWN?
- THAT'S FINE.
- ALL RIGHT.
BE BRAVE, LITTLE SOLDIER.
YOU DO WHAT YOU
GOTTA DO, VINNIE.
YEAH, IT AIN'T NOTHIN'
TO IT, A BABY CAN DO IT.
HONEY, WOULD YOU GET THE DOOR?
I GOT THE REFRIGERATOR
DOOR, YOU GET THE FRONT DOOR.
HI, MRS. KOTTER, HOW YOU DOIN'?
I JUST HAVE A LITTLE
COLD, I'M OKAY.
THAT'S GOOD.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY I
BARGED IN ON YOU LIKE THIS,
BUT, YOU KNOW.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN, WE WERE EXPECTING YOU.
MR. KOTTER TOLD ME
ALL ABOUT IT, VINNIE.
HEY, DID YOU GUYS
WATCH THE NEWS TONIGHT?
WAS THERE ANYTHING
ABOUT ME AND CARUSO IN IT?
NO, BUT THEY BROKE
RIGHT INTO THE MIDDLE
OF BOWLING FOR DENTURES.
"CARUSO CLOUTS
BARBARINO, FILM AT 11."
ARE YOU KIDDIN'?
YES, VINNIE, HE'S KIDDING.
I'M KIDDING, VINNIE, COME
ON, YOU WANT A SODA?
YEAH, I'D LOVE A SODA,
WHAT KIND YOU GOT?
LET'S SEE, WE GOT, UH,
PEPSI, GRAPE, ORANGE,
STRAWBERRY, RASPBERRY,
AND NON-CARBONATED.
YOU GOT ROOT BEER?
GOT PEPSI, GRAPE, ORANGE,
RASPBERRY, STRAWBERRY,
AND NON-CARBONATED.
NO ROOT BEER?
PEPSI... GRAPE... ORANGE...
STRAWBERRY... RASPBERRY...
NON-CARBONATED.
I LIKE ROOT BEER.
I'LL HAVE A PEPSI.
HAVE A PEPSI.
WELL, HOW'D IT GO TODAY?
TERRIBLE.
I'VE BEEN GETTING
CALLS ALL DAY LONG.
MY BROTHER, HE CALLED ME,
HE SAID HE'S BEEN DISHONORED.
HE'S CHANGING HIS
NAME TO LEFKOWITZ.
IT'S REALLY STUPID, AIN'T IT?
LEFKOWITZ BARBARINO?
COME ON, VINNIE, SIT DOWN.
LOOK, YOU GOT A PROBLEM,
AND WE'RE GONNA WORK ON IT,
SOLVE IT.
BUT YOU GOTTA TELL ME
THAT YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY
THINKING OF HITTING HIM.
OH, COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
I'M BEYOND THAT NOW.
I'M HAPPY TO HEAR
YOU SAY THAT, VINNIE.
I'M GONNA BORROW MY UNCLE'S
CEMENT TRUCK AND RUN HIM OVER.
VINNIE!
IT WAS A JOKE, MRS.
KOTTER, JUST A JOKE.
VINNIE, BE SERIOUS.
DON'T LET YOURSELF GET
PUSHED INTO HITTING HIM.
IF YOU DO, YOU COULD GET
THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL.
OH, COME ON, THAT'S SOME CHOICE.
IF I HIT HIM, I GET THROWN
OUT OF SCHOOL, RIGHT?
IF I DON'T HIT HIM, I GET
LAUGHED OUT OF SCHOOL.
WHAT IF I WAIT TILL I
GRADUATE, THEN I HIT HIM?
COME ON, VINNIE, YOU THINK
YOU CAN WAIT 15 YEARS?
BOY, YOU'RE FUNNY
TODAY, AREN'T YOU?
BOY, EVERYBODY'S ON MY
CASE TODAY, CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
VINNIE, I'M SURE
THAT YOUR FRIENDS
UNDERSTAND THE
SITUATION THAT YOU'RE IN.
NO, I DON'T THINK
SO, MRS. KOTTER.
I MEAN, ALL THEY KNOW
IS THAT VINNIE BARBARINO
GOT SLAPPED AROUND.
I FEEL LIKE NOTHIN'!
I FEEL LIKE A CRUMB!
- DID YOU EVER FEEL THAT WAY?
- OH, NO, VINNIE, WAIT.
YOU'RE ASKING FOR
ONE OF HIS STORIES.
LET ME TELL YOU
WHAT HAPPENED ONCE.
TOO LATE.
THERE WAS THIS FRIEND OF MINE...
BONZO MORETTI.
BONZO MORETTI.
NOW, BONZO WAS JUST LIKE YOU.
BONZO WAS BIGGER THAN YOU,
AND ONE DAY, CARUSO, BOOM,
SLAPS HIM, RIGHT?
BONZO HAD THE SAME
PROBLEM AS YOU HAD.
HE KNEW THAT IF
HE HIT CARUSO BACK,
HE'D GET THROWN OUT OF SCHOOL,
AND THAT WOULD
REALLY AFFECT HIS FAMILY,
ESPECIALLY HIS MOTHER.
YEAH, SO WHAT HAPPENED?
WELL, BONZO DECIDED
THAT HIS FAMILY
WAS MORE IMPORTANT
THAN ANY REVENGE,
SO HE NEVER LAID
A HAND ON CARUSO.
IS THAT IT, IS THAT THE STORY?
NO, THERE'S MORE.
BONZO'S MOTHER FOUND
OUT WHAT HAPPENED ANYWAY,
AND SHE WENT TO
SCHOOL THE NEXT WEEK
AND HIT CARUSO WITH
AN ITALIAN SALAMI.
NAH, MY MOTHER WOULD
NEVER HIT NOBODY.
SHE JUST PRAYS, YOU KNOW?
LIKE SHE'D PRAY THAT CARUSO
WOULD HAVE AN ACCIDENT.
VINNIE, DO ME A FAVOR.
PROMISE ME YOU WON'T DO
ANYTHING IN SCHOOL TOMORROW.
WELL, I HAVEN'T DONE
ANYTHING FOR TWO YEARS.
WHAT SHOULD MAKE
TOMORROW ANY DIFFERENT?
LOOK, JUST GIVE ME 24 HOURS.
I'LL TRY AND SOLVE YOUR PROBLEM.
NAH, I DON'T THINK
I COULD DO THAT.
I'LL GIVE YOU TO THE
SAME TIME TOMORROW.
LOOK...
VINNIE, MR. KOTTER
WILL HANDLE THINGS,
I KNOW THAT HE'LL
DO THE RIGHT THING.
OH, YEAH, YEAH.
I HOPE.
HEY, MRS. KOTTER, COULD I
TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SURE, VINNIE.
LOOK, NOW, UM...
I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU HOW TO
RUN YOUR HOUSEHOLD OR NOTHIN',
BUT PEOPLE DO LIKE ROOT BEER.
BYE, VINNIE.
NOW, LOOK, IT DON'T
MATTER WHAT KIND.
DRAFT, REGULAR...
SEE YOU LATER, VINNIE.
HAVE A NICE NIGHT.
AND DANISH, A NICE DANISH.
YOU DRINK THE ROOT
BEER, YOU EAT THE DANISH...
- BYE.
- GOOD TIME, RIGHT?
- TOMORROW.
- BYE, VINNIE.
♪
BROWN-BAGGING IT
AGAIN, HUH, KOTTER?
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
CAFETERIA TOO EXPENSIVE?
- HAVE A GRAPE, MR. WOODMAN.
- THANK YOU.
I THINK I'M GONNA BE
BROWN-BAGGING A LOT
AFTER THAT LUNCH YESTERDAY.
OH, YOU MEAN THE
ROAST LEG OF SURPRISE?
ROAST LEG OF SURPRISE.
THAT'S THE STUPIDEST IDEA
I'VE EVER HEARD OF IN MY LIFE.
WELL, I ENJOYED IT VERY MUCH.
MINE HAD A TOY WHISTLE IN IT.
MR. PEARLMAN WAS
THE LUCKY ONE THOUGH.
HE GOT A COMPLETE
SET OF LUGGAGE.
GO AHEAD, HAVE SOME
MORE GRAPES, GO AHEAD.
MR. WOODMAN, LET ME GIVE
YOU A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION.
SUPPOSE TWO OF YOUR
TEACHERS HAD A CONFRONTATION.
WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
I'D PROBABLY FIRE YOU.
CAN I HAVE MY GRAPES BACK?
WHO'S THE OTHER TEACHER?
MR. CARUSO.
OH, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
I'D DEFINITELY FIRE YOU.
MR. WOODMAN, I DON'T KNOW WHY
EVERYBODY'S AFRAID OF CARUSO.
I MEAN, EVERYONE KNOWS
HIS METHODS ARE WRONG,
BUT NOBODY DOES
ANYTHING ABOUT IT.
HE'S AN ORDINARY
MAN, MR. WOODMAN.
TRY TO IMAGINE HIM
IN HIS UNDERWEAR.
OH, YOU'RE SICK.
SICK, KOTTER!
OH, HELLO, LOU.
HI, MR. WOODMAN.
YOU KNOW, LOU, IN
THE TWENTY-ODD YEARS
I'VE KNOWN YOU, I
NEVER ONCE TRIED
TO IMAGINE YOU IN
YOUR UNDERWEAR.
WELL, I THINK WOODMAN'S
GONE OVER THE EDGE, KOTTER.
YUP, THE OLD PILOT
LIGHT'S GONE OUT.
I THINK IT'S JUST A GAS LEAK.
YEAH, MAYBE.
ANYWAY, I HAD A NOTE IN MY
BOX YOU WANTED TO SEE ME.
WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?
LOU, HOW LONG WE
KNOWN EACH OTHER?
FIFTEEN, SIXTEEN YEARS?
YEAH, SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
YEAH, YOU AND YOUR FRIEND, BOZO.
BONZO!
BONZO.
HE WAS THE ONE WHO
HAD THAT WACKY MOTHER.
SHE HIT ME WITH A SALAMI ONCE.
REMEMBER?
WELL, SHE FELT BAD, YOU
KNOW, YOU HIT HER KID.
HOW'D YOU FEEL WHEN SHE
HIT YOU WITH THE SALAMI?
GREASY.
LOU, THAT'S WHAT I WANT
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT.
HITTING KIDS.
NAMELY ONE VINNIE BARBARINO.
NOW, LOOK, GABE.
I LIKE YOU, WE GET
ALONG JUST FINE.
LET'S KEEP IT THAT WAY.
YOU WORK YOUR WAY,
I'LL WORK MINE, OKAY?
LOU, WHEN I WAS A STUDENT
AND I HEARD THAT
YOU PUNCHED A KID,
IT BOTHERED ME.
NOW THAT I'M A TEACHER,
IT BOTHERS ME A LOT MORE.
ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE MY KIDS.
NOW, LISTEN, GABE,
THIS IS A TOUGH SCHOOL
WITH TOUGH KIDS.
I TEACH THEM THE
BEST WAY I KNOW HOW.
ONCE IN A WHILE, ONE OF
THEM GETS A LITTLE TOO FRESH
AND I MIGHT SLAP ONE OF THEM.
SLAP NOW, NOT PUNCH.
IT'S NOTHING, ANYWAY.
IT WAS SOMETHING TO BARBARINO.
BARBARINO?
OH, GABE, LET ME TELL
YOU ABOUT THIS BARBARINO.
NOW, ALL WEEK LONG, THAT KID
HAS BEEN MAKING
WISECRACKS IN MY CLASS,
BUT YESTERDAY, HE
WENT NUTS ON ME.
HE JUMPED UP ON
TOP OF A SIDE HORSE
AND STARTS HOLLERING
OUT HIS NAME.
♪ BA BA, BA BARBARINO ♪
I SWEAR, THERE'S SOMETHING
WRONG WITH THAT BOY, GABE.
ANYWAY, I TOOK
HIM INTO MY OFFICE
FOR A LITTLE TALK, YOU KNOW?
I SAID, "NOW, LISTEN, KID,
I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY
MORE OF THOSE WISECRACKS."
HE SAID, "WHAT?"
NOW HE TALKS.
I SAID, "THE WISECRACKS
YOU'VE BEEN MAKING ALL WEEK."
HE SAID, "WHERE?"
I SAID, "IN THE GYM."
HE SAID, "WHY?"
GABE, THIS THING
WAS DRIVING ME CRAZY.
ANYWAY, ALL OF A SUDDEN, HE
JUST GETS UP AND WALKS OUT.
WELL, I GAVE A LITTLE
SHOT, DIDN'T EVEN HURT HIM.
ANYWAY, THEN HE
TURNED AROUND AND SAID,
"WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?"
SO, JUST LIKE
HIM, I SAID, "WHAT?"
HE SAID, "WHAT'D
YOU HIT ME FOR?"
I SAID, "WHERE?"
AND THEN HE JUST LEFT.
IT'S NOTHIN', LOOK, I'LL
SEE YOU TOMORROW.
LOU!
SLAPPING, PUNCHING, IT'S NO WAY
TO GET THROUGH TO A KID.
IT'S JUST WRONG.
PLUS YOU WERE
INDISCREET, YOU SLAPPED HIM
RIGHT IN FRONT OF
A GIRLS' GYM CLASS.
YEAH, WELL, IT WASN'T
SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN THAT WAY.
WELL, IT DID.
VINNIE'S GONNA DO
SOMETHING ABOUT IT,
NOT BECAUSE HE WANTS TO,
HE FEELS HE HAS TO.
COME ON, NOW, GABE,
JUST WHAT IS HE GONNA DO?
LOU, I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND.
YOU HUMILIATED HIM.
HE'S A STREET KID.
HE'S NOT A SCHOLAR,
HE'S NOT AN ATHLETE.
HE'S GOT HIS
PRIDE, HIS POSITION.
YOU TAKE THAT AWAY FROM
HIM, WHAT'S HE GOT LEFT?
HIS BIG MOUTH, THAT'S
WHAT HE'S GOT LEFT.
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO ANYWAY, APOLOGIZE?
YES, I WANT YOU TO
COME TO MY CLASS
THIS AFTERNOON, I'M
GONNA HAVE VINNIE
SAY HE'S SORRY FOR
MAKING THE WISECRACKS,
AND I WANT YOU TO SAY
YOU'RE SORRY FOR HITTING HIM.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, GABE.
LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT THE
GIRLS SAW WHAT HAPPENED,
BUT REALLY NOW, COME ON,
DON'T ASK ME TO APOLOGIZE
IN FRONT OF A CLASS,
ESPECIALLY THIS CLASS.
LISTEN, GABE,
I'VE BEEN IN THIS
SCHOOL 28 YEARS.
I GOT MY PRIDE, I
GOT MY POSITION.
YOUR WHAT?
MY PRIDE, MY... LIKE
VINNIE BARBARINO?
LISTEN, GABE, I'M
A GOOD TEACHER.
THOSE KIDS RESPECT ME.
LOU, THEY FEAR YOU.
COME HERE THIS AFTERNOON
AND GIVE THEM A CHANCE
TO RESPECT YOU.
OKAY.
OKAY, GABE.
VINNIE, VINNIE.
HOW'D IT GO IN GYM TODAY?
I DIDN'T GO.
I WASN'T GONNA SPEND
40 MINUTES IN THAT CLASS.
HEY, YOUR TIME IS
UP. WHAT'D YOU DO?
VINNIE, I THINK I
SOLVED YOUR PROBLEM.
CARUSO IS COMING
TO OUR CLASS TODAY.
WHAT?
WHAT DID I CUT GYM FOR?
LISTEN, I MADE A DEAL.
WHEN HE COMES IN, I WANT
YOU TO APOLOGIZE TO HIM.
THEN I'M GONNA...
THAT'S SOME DEAL.
I GET HIT, AND I GOTTA
APOLOGIZE TO HIM?
IT'S A GOOD THING I
DIDN'T GIVE YOU 48 HOURS.
YOU'D HAVE ME
PAINTING HIS GARAGE.
- LET ME FINISH, OKAY?
- ALL RIGHT.
NOW AFTER YOU APOLOGIZE
TO HIM, HE'S GONNA SAY
THAT HE'S SORRY FOR HITTING YOU.
YEAH?
YOU'RE KIDDIN'.
IN THIS CLASS RIGHT OVER
HERE, THE SWEATHOGS?
OKAY, THEN YOU'RE GONNA
SHAKE HANDS WITH THE MAN,
AND THE WHOLE THING
IS GONNA BE OVER, OKAY?
WAIT A MINUTE, LET
ME THINK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT, LET ME THINK.
HE COMES IN THE CLASS
AND I SAY TO HIM I'M SORRY,
AND THE GUYS GO, "WHOA,
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT," RIGHT?
AND THEN HE SAYS TO ME,
"I'M SORRY FOR HITTING YOU."
AND THE KIDS GO, "WOW!"
ALL RIGHT, I'LL DO IT.
HEY, VINNIE, VINNIE,
DIDN'T SEE IN GYM CLASS,
DID WE, GUYS?
NO, NO, THAT'S BECAUSE
VINNIE DIDN'T WANT
TO MEET UP WITH ANOTHER RIGHT...
FROM MR. CARUSO.
OH, COME ON, YOU GUYS.
I DO NOT BLAME VINNIE
FOR BEING AFRAID.
MR. CARUSO IS A
VERY BRUTE PERSON.
HE'S A BULLY,
AND... AND A MEANIE.
AND HERE HE IS NOW!
HELLO, MR. CARUSO!
GOOD AFTERNOON, PEOPLE.
VINNIE.
UM, MR. CARUSO, I'D
JUST LIKE TO SAY TO YOU...
I'D LIKE TO SAY TO
YOU THAT I'M SORRY
FOR MOUTHING OFF
IN GYM ALL WEEK.
I DIDN'T HEAR THAT!
I HEAR NOTHING.
IF I DIDN'T HEAR THAT
WITH MY OWN EYES,
I WOULDN'T HAVE BELIEVED IT.
JUST WAIT A MINUTE, WOULD
YOU, JUST WAIT A MINUTE.
HE'S GOT SOMETHING
TO SAY TO ME, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, GO AHEAD.
LOU, DON'T YOU HAVE,
UH, ANYTHING TO SAY?
YEAH, HE'S GOT A LOT TO SAY.
GO AHEAD.
HE'S GONNA SAY THAT
HE'S SORRY THAT HE HIT ME,
AND THEN HE'S GONNA APOLOGIZE
IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS.
GO ON, SAY IT, GO AHEAD.
OH, COME ON!
SAY IT!
LET'S HEAR IT, SPEAK UP!
A DEAL WAS MADE.
THAT'S RIGHT, A DEAL WAS
MADE, AND THE DEAL WAS
THAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO
APOLOGIZE TO ME IN THIS CLASS,
THEN I WAS SUPPOSED
TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU,
BUT I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.
OH, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.
NO, THAT'S JUST
NOT MY STYLE, SON.
MY STYLE IS TO
SETTLE THIS LIKE A MAN.
WHAT?
SETTLE IT, THAT'S WHAT.
WHERE?
RIGHT HERE.
WHEN?
RIGHT NOW. STAND UP, BARBARINO.
COME OVER HERE.
LOU, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
JUST RELAX, WILL YOU, GABE?
RELAX.
ALL RIGHT NOW, BARBARINO.
I CHALLENGE YOU TO ARM WRESTLE.
YOU'RE IN SHAPE.
IT'S A GOOD THING YOU
TOLD ME "ARM WRESTLING,"
I WAS GETTING SCARED OVER THERE.
I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOU.
YOU KNOW, MY HANDS,
THEY'RE REGISTERED.
AT EVERY DRIVE-IN IN BROOKLYN.
WELL, OKAY, WISE GUY,
LET'S GO, LET'S
SEE WHAT YOU GOT.
OH!
DUELING FOREARMS!
HOW MACHO!
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, LOOK, I'M
GONNA HOLD YOUR HANDS.
NOW, WHEN I COUNT TO
THREE, YOU START TO GO, OKAY?
NOW, BRACE YOURSELVES.
ONE, TWO, THREE.
HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK!
THERE'S WOODMAN!
HEY!
EASY, EASY, EASY!
VINNIE, COME ON.
YOU DO THIS RIGHT,
WHETHER YOU WIN OR LOSE.
PUT YOUR ARM UP THERE.
NOW, YOU DON'T USE THIS ARM,
AND YOU STAY ON THE FLOOR, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, I LOST MY
HEAD FOR A SECOND.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE, TWO, THREE, GO AHEAD.
WELL, YOU MAY
BE A WISE GUY, KID,
BUT YOU GOT A GREAT
FOREARM THERE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YEAH, WELL, YOU AIN'T SO
BAD YOURSELF FOR AN OLD MAN.
AND LISTEN, THE REST
OF YOU WISE GUYS HERE,
I'LL SEE YOU IN GYM CLASS
TOMORROW AND DON'T BE LATE.
- RIGHT.
- AND VINNIE...
I'LL MARK YOU PRESENT
IN GYM CLASS TODAY.
HE HIT ME AGAIN!
HEY, THAT WAS A LITTLE JOKE.
SEE YOU TOMORROW, KIDS.
YOU DID GOOD, MAN,
YOU DID ALL RIGHT.
I GOTTA ASK YOU
ONE QUESTION, LOU.
DID YOU LET VINNIE BEAT YOU?
YOU'RE A HELL OF
A TEACHER, GABE.
PUT HER THERE.
YOU KNOW SOMETHING, GABE?
WHEN YOU WENT TO
SCHOOL HERE, I TAUGHT YOU,
BUT TODAY, YOU TAUGHT ME.
WELL, I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING,
YOU'RE A BETTER
STUDENT THAN I WAS.
LISTEN, GABE,
EVERYBODY WAS A BETTER
STUDENT THAN YOU WERE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
♪
JULIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR
WHEN MY UNCLE MOE
WENT TO MIAMI BEACH?
NO, GO AHEAD.
OKAY, MY UNCLE
MOE'S IN MIAMI BEACH,
AND HE'S AT THE HOTEL,
RIGHT, STAYING AT A HOTEL,
HE WANTS TO GO SWIMMING,
SO HE GOES DOWN TO THE POOL,
HE'S ABOUT TO JUMP
IN, AND A LITTLE OLD MAN
IS SITTING THERE IN A
LOUNGE CHAIR, RIGHT,
JUST GETTING HIS SUN.
MY UNCLE MOE SAYS TO HIM,
"EXCUSE ME, SIR,
HOW'S THE WATER?"
WHAT DID THE OLD MAN SAY?
OLD MAN SAYS, "LUKEWARM."
SO, LOU JUMPS INTO THE POOL,
AND IT'S FREEZING, IT'S
LIKE POLAR BEAR TIME.
ICE, RIGHT?
HE SWIMS AS FAST AS HE
CAN TO THE OTHER SIDE,
HE GETS OUT, HE'S COLD,
HE GOES UP TO THE OLD MAN,
HE SAYS, "HOW
COULD YOU TELL ME..."
"THAT THAT WATER WAS LUKEWARM?"
THE OLD MAN SAID,
"WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
LOOKED WARM TO ME."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪