Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 2, Episode 11 - Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking - full transcript
The Sweathogs try to convince Epstein to give up his smoking habit.
JULIE.
- YOUR FORGOT...
- MY LUNCH AGAIN!
WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE,
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT
ONE OF MY UNCLES.
TERRIFIC.
MY UNCLE JONAS, HE WAS A DOCTOR.
OKAY.
WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR WAS HE?
A VERY STRANGE DOCTOR.
ONE TIME, THIS GUY
CAME IN TO HIS OFFICE,
UNCLE JONAS SAYS,
"STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE
AND GO TO THE WINDOW!"
THE GUY STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE.
GOES TO THE WINDOW.
HE'S STANDING FOR
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES,
LOOKS BACK AT MY UNCLE,
HE SAYS, "WILL THIS HELP ME?"
MY UNCLE SAID, "NO,
BUT I'M MAD AT THE GUY
ACROSS THE STREET."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
HI THERE.
FREDDIE BOOM-BOOM, THE DRY LOOK.
THERE, PERFECT.
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
OH, YOU SEE, FREDDIE, I
LIKE IT TO LOOK MESSY,
LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO NOTHIN'
AND I HAPPEN TO LOOK THIS CUTE
JUST BY ACCIDENT.
HEY, LISTEN TO WHAT
SOMEBODY WROTE ON THE WALL.
"SINCERE SENSITIVE
CULTURED YOUNG MAN
SEEKS MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIP WITH TRASHY BLONDE.
MUST HAVE REFERENCES."
WELL, WHAT KIND OF A LOSER
WOULD WRITE SOMETHING
LIKE THAT?
ME.
GENTLEMEN.
COME ON, THAT WAS THE BELL.
COMBING PERIOD IS OVER.
CAN WE GO AND DO
SOME WORK ON THE INSIDE
OF YOUR HEADS?
COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
JUST A COUPLE LITTLE
LAST-MINUTE TOUCHES
HERE, ALL RIGHT?
YOU SEE, WHEN YOU'RE
THE SWEATHOG HEARTTHROB,
YOU GOT A RESPONSIBILITY
TO LOOK PERFECT.
LET'S GO, COME ON, NO
MORE STALLING, PRONTO!
HEY, UH, VINNIE.
IF YOU KEEP TEASING
YOUR HAIR, YOUR SCALP
IS GONNA LEAVE
YOU FOR A HOT-COMB.
COME ON, COME ON.
YEAH, COME ON, JUAN,
WE DON'T WANNA BE TARDY.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL
BE RIGHT WITH YA.
SOON AS I GRAB A SMOKE.
OH, JUAN, JUAN, JUAN.
I AM SURPRISED AT YOU!
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT
CIGARETTE SMOKING
IS AGAINST SCHOOL RULES?
AH!
SO WHY DON'T YOU
REPORT ME, ARNOLD?
WHAT, REPORT?
OH NO!
I WOULD NEVER REPORT
YOU FOR SMOKING, JUAN.
WHAT CIGARETTE, I
DON'T SEE A CIGARETTE.
HELLO, MR. WOODMAN
AND MR. KOTTER.
IT SMELLS LIKE SMOKING,
IT WON'T WORK, EPSTEIN.
I SAW YOU WITH A CIGARETTE.
WHAT CIGARETTE?
THAT CIGARETTE.
AND I OUGHTA MAKE
YOU GO AFTER IT.
COME ON, EPSTEIN, LET'S
GO, GET OUTTA THERE.
COME ON.
WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING?
WHAT SMOKIN', HEY.
I'M JUST ENJOYING A FEW
MOMENTS OF PRIVACY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GOT NINE
BROTHERS AND SISTERS LIKE I GOT,
THE ONLY TIME YOU GET TO
USE THE BATHROOM BY YOURSELF
IS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
NINE BROTHERS AND
SISTERS LIVING IN THE GHETTO.
DON'T BOTHER, EPSTEIN, THAT
UNDERPRIVILEGED KID STUFF
MAY WORK ON KOTTER,
BUT IT WON'T WORK ON ME.
NOW REMEMBER,
YOU'RE TALKING TO A MAN
WHO HATES CAPTAIN KANGAROO!
TAKIN' YOU OVER TO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS'S OFFICE.
WAIT A SECOND, I DIDN'T
EVEN GET A CHANCE
TO WASH MY HANDS!
HOW ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE?
♪
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS IS
REALLY GONNA GIVE IT
TO EPSTEIN THIS TIME,
YOU KNOW, KOTTER,
I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH
FUN SINCE I SUSPENDED
A CHEERLEADER FOR
SHOWING HER POM-POMS
TO A ROTARY CLUB.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, JACK.
LOOK, THERE'S NO
NEED TO TAKE WOODMAN
OFF RESTROOM PATROL.
IT, UH, MAKES HIS DAY, YOU KNOW?
BY THE WAY, JACK, DON'T
FORGET WHAT I TOLD YOU.
THIS WEEK, TAKE THE
JETS AND THE POINTS!
HOW'D YOU DO, JUAN?
I'M FREE, I JUST GOT A WARNIN'.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
LAZARUS DOESN'T LIKE ANYBODY.
EXCEPT EPSTEIN.
WHY?
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE,
UH... WHY IS THAT?
THAT'S BECAUSE JACK
THINKS OF ME LIKE A SON.
DOESN'T HE HAVE A SON?
OH, YEAH, HAROLD, BUT
HAROLD'S A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT
TO JACK, YOU KNOW?
SINCE HE MOVED TO
OREGON AND JOINED THAT
VEGETARIAN NUDIST COLONY.
OH, RIGHT, THE
VEGETARIAN NUDISTS,
I READ ABOUT THEM.
THEY HAVE THEIR OWN RELIGION.
THEY BELIEVE THAT AFTER YOU DIE,
YOU RETURN AS A CESAR SALAD.
A VEGETARIAN NUDIST COLONY.
WOW.
I BET YOU COULD HAVE
ONE WILD WEEKEND
WITH JUST A COUPLE OF
BOTTLES OF ROQUEFORT DRESSING.
HUH?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
THAT I CAN GET BACK
INTO THE DANCE?
IT'S NOT FAIR.
I DON'T WANT MUCH OUT OF LIFE.
JUST TO TRANSFER TO
A SCHOOL IN SCARSDALE
AND MY REAL TEETH BACK.
COME ON, VINNIE, HOW
ABOUT LUNCH, I'M BUYIN'.
UH, JUAN, WAIT A SECOND.
YOU KNOW, JUST 'CAUSE
YOU DIDN'T GET IN TROUBLE,
THAT'S NO REASON
YOU SHOULD SMOKE,
IN SCHOOL OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
JUST NOT HEALTHY.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S WHAT
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS TOLD ME
SO I PROMISED HIM
I WAS GONNA QUIT.
GOOD BOY, JUAN.
THAT'S SMART THINKIN'.
BESIDES, I'M SURE
SOONER OR LATER
YOU'LL PICK UP
ANOTHER BAD HABIT.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT
THE JETS AND THE POINTS,
I BET 50 CENTS WITH
JULIA, DO YOU THINK...
HEY, HEY, LOOK WHO
YOU'RE TALKING TO, HUH?
THE JETS AIN'T A SURE THING.
♪
FREDDIE, I NEVER TRIED
ONE OF THEM THINGS,
THE FRO COMB, LET ME TRY THAT.
GO AHEAD.
OW!
I GUESS IT DON'T
WORK ON ITALIAN HAIR.
HELLO, CHAPS!
OH.
SMOKE.
WELL, AS THEY SAY,
WHERE THERE'S SMOKE,
THERE'S FIRE!
FIRE IN THE SCHOOL!
FIRE IN THE SCHOOL!
AH!
YOU KNOW, ARNOLD, YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE A HARD TIME
GETTIN'S THIS BABY LIT.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON
HERE, WHAT IS THIS?
EPSTEIN, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE GONNA STOP SMOKING.
LOOK, I TRIED, MR. KOTTER,
BUT I CAN'T, OKAY?
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN SMOKIN'
SINCE I WAS 12, YOU KNOW,
ON AND OFF, ON AND OFF.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I CAN'T QUIT.
YOU CAN QUIT, JUAN,
IT JUST MIGHT BE
A LITTLE BIT MORE
DIFFICULT THIS TIME.
DO YOU KNOW THAT SINCE THE
SURGEON GENERAL'S REPORT
ON SMOKING IN 1964, OVER
30 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE QUIT?
REALLY?
THAT'S RIGHT, I THINK I
READ IT IN COSMOPOLITAN.
WELL, I DON'T BUY IT.
JULIE BUYS IT, SO IT'S
LAYIN' AROUND THE HOUSE,
SO I READ IT.
SO WHAT, I MEAN, IT'S GOT
SOME INTERESTING ARTICLES.
"HOW COSTUMES
SAVED MY MARRIAGE."
"MENU PLANNING IF YOU'RE
DATING A SOCCER TEAM."
YOU KNOW, MR. KOTTER.
IT AIN'T EASY TO
BREAK A BAD HABIT.
LET ME TELL YOU
GUYS A LITTLE STORY.
OH.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, FOR A YOUNG
GUY, HE'S GOT A LOT OF STORIES.
CAN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU
GET HOME AND TELL YOUR WIFE?
NO, I NEVER TOLD
YOU THIS ONE BEFORE.
WHEN I WAS ABOUT 12, I
HAD A MONKEY ON MY BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT, I WAS
HOOKED ON POTATO KNISHES.
IT ALL STARTED OUT INNOCENT.
I WAS IN CONEY ISLAND, A
YOUNG KID WALKIN' AROUND
CONEY ISLAND, THIS GUY
CAME UP TO ME, HE SAID,
"HEY KID, COME HERE.
WANT A FREE KNISH?"
I SAID, "SURE WHY NOT?"
IT WAS FREE, SO I TOOK IT.
NEXT DAY, SAME GUY.
"HEY, KID, COME HERE,
YOU WANT ANOTHER
FREE KNISH?"
I SAID, "GREAT," IT
WAS FREE, IT WAS EASY,
I WAS ROLLING IN CLOVER,
FREE KNISH EVERY DAY,
WHEN WAS IT GONNA STOP?
I'LL TELL YA WHEN IT
STOPPED, TWO WEEKS LATER.
I WENT UP TO THE GUY
AND SAID, "HEY, MISTER.
WHERE'S MY FREE KNISH?"
"HEY, I'M SORRY KID.
I GOTTA MAKE A LIVING.
KNISHES AREN'T FREE ANYMORE."
FROM THAT DAY ON, ALL
MY MONEY WENT ON KNISHES,
MY WHOLE ALLOWANCE.
I WAS UP TO FIVE
KNISHES A DAY, BARBARINO.
FIVE A DAY.
THEN I FOUND OUT I
DIDN'T GET THE SAME KICK
FROM KNISHES.
HAD TO MOVE ON TO HARDER STUFF.
REAL JUNK FOOD, HORSHACK.
MALLOMARS.
DEVIL DOGS.
TWINKIES.
AND EVEN INDIANA FRIED CHICKEN!
GOT SO BAD, ONE
MORNING, I WOKE UP,
I HAD HALF A BURRITO
HANGING OUT OF MY MOUTH.
AND I HAD NO IDEA
HOW IT GOT THERE.
WELL, I HAD TO MAKE
A DECISION, EPSTEIN.
I HAD TO DECIDE WHETHER
OR NOT I WAS GONNA LET
JUNK FOOD RULE MY LIFE.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT COLD TURKEY.
COLD TURKEY.
THAT'S RIGHT, FOR FIVE
DAYS, INSTEAD OF JUNK FOOD,
I ATE NOTHING BUT COLD TURKEY.
THAT'S HOW I KICKED.
OH.
TRULY INSPIRING
STORY, MR. KOTTER.
IT OUGHTA BE A MOVIE.
"MAN WITH THE GOLDEN KNISH."
"A HAT FULL OF KNISHES."
"THE KNISH CONNECTION."
"THE KNISH CONNECTION 2."
ENOUGH ALREADY!
LOOK, JUAN, YOU CAN QUIT.
PEOPLE QUIT EVERY DAY AT
THOSE CLINICS, YOU KNOW?
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A
MINUTE, MR. KOTTER.
EPSTEIN, MAN, HE DON'T
GOT THE KIND OF MONEY
THEY BE PAYIN' IN
THEM SMOKING CLINICS.
EPSTEIN'S FAMILY IS SO POOR
THAT ON THANKSGIVING,
THEY HAVE TO RENT A TURKEY.
LOOK, WE'LL HELP YOU.
I MEAN, WE'LL DO IT OURSELVES.
WE USE THE SAME
PRINCIPLE THEY USE AT THOSE
SMOKING CLINICS, IT'S
CALLED AVERSION THERAPY.
OH, YEAH, THE
PERVERSION THERAPY.
WE JUST TORTURE JUAN
UNTIL HE QUITS SMOKING.
IT'S NOT TORTURE,
BARBARINO, IT'S JUST THERAPY
TO HELP JUAN
BREAK HIS BAD HABIT.
LOOK WHAT YOU GET,
LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
I CAN'T LOOK AT THAT.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR,
AND GET A LOOK AT YOU!
THE TOUGHEST KID IN SCHOOL.
A SLAVE TO A LITTLE
STICK OF TOBACCO.
BESIDE THAT, LOOK,
YOU NEED A HAIRCUT.
JUAN, TOMORROW, WE SHALL OPEN UP
THE SWEATHOG CLINIC
FOR THE CURE OF SMOKING!
ARE YOU READY?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
GOING OUTSIDE TO HAVE A SMOKE.
♪
"UP MR. KOTTER'S NOSE
WITH MISS FISHFECK'S
SUPPORT HOSE"?
♪
WELL, IT'S NOT A
BAD PICTURE OF ME.
♪
DO YOU THINK THIS
WILL REALLY GET ME
TO QUIT SMOKIN', MR. KOTTER?
WELL, WE'RE GONNA TRY, JUAN,
THE GUYS ARE GONNA BE HERE
AS SOON AS THEY
FINISH THEIR LAST PERIOD.
COME ON, SIT DOWN.
NOW ALL WE'RE GONNA
DO IS TRY AND HELP YOU
UNLEARN A BAD HABIT.
WELL, I'M GOOD AT THAT,
I ALREADY UNLEARNED
THE WHOLE TENTH GRADE!
EPSTEIN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
FIGURED AFTER THREE O'CLOCK,
YOU'D BE RUNNING
AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
CLICKIN' YOUR BEAK.
MR. WOODMAN, JUAN'S
GONNA TRY AND STOP SMOKING.
OH?
WELL, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
I REMEMBER WHEN I QUIT.
YOU SMOKED?
YES, YEARS AGO, KOTTER.
I SMOKED KING SIZE.
I THOUGHT THEY'D
MAKE ME LOOK TALLER.
YOU KNOW WHY I NEVER SMOKED?
I THINK IT WAS THOSE
CIGARETTE COMMERCIALS
ON TELEVISION,
THEY TURNED ME OFF.
I COULD NEVER PICTURE MYSELF
LIVING IN MARLBORO COUNTRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT
COMMERCIAL ALWAYS GOT TO ME
WAS THE ONE WITH THE,
UH, DANCING CIGARETTES.
ALL I COULD SEE WAS THE
GIRLS' LEGS STICKING OUT
OF THE BIG CIGARETTE BOX.
KOTTER, THEY DROVE ME CRAZY.
FOR THREE YEARS,
I WANTED TO MARRY
A SIX-FOOT TALL PACK OF
MENTHOLATED OLD GOLDS!
THAT'S NOT BAD, MR. WOODMAN,
I HEARD ABOUT A GUY ONCE
WHO HAD A CRUSH ON A CAMEL.
A CRUSH ON A CAMEL!
THAT'S FUNNY, KOTTER.
RELAX, JUAN, ALL WE'RE GONNA DO
IS TRY AND HELP YOU
UNLEARN A BAD HABIT.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL DO
ANYTHING IT TAKES
TO STOP SMOKING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, IT'S
THE WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING
FROM MR. WOODMAN'S OFFICE.
GET HIM ON THE CARPET.
ON THE CARPET, OKAY.
OKAY, JUAN, I TELL YOU
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
ME AND VINNIE, WE'RE GONNA
START A LITTLE BIT ELECTRICITY,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
CREATE A SHOCK, OKAY?
LIGHT UP, YOUR FAVORITE
BLEND, LIGHT 'EM UP.
NOW EVERY TIME YOU
TAKE A PUFF OF THIS,
WE'RE GONNA SHOCK YOU.
SO YOU WON'T WANNA
SMOKE NO MORE.
OKAY, START, LET'S GO.
YOU READY? READY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
AH!
SO WHEN ARE YOU
GUYS GONNA SHOCK ME?
SOMETHING'S WRONG,
GET UP, SIT OVER THERE.
COME ON, TRY IT ON ME.
- YOU READY?
- READY.
OKAY.
OW!
OKAY, SPORT, SIT
DOWN. LET'S DO IT.
YOU GOTTA HAVE BOTH
YOUR FEET ON THE CARPET.
PUT YOUR FEET ON THE CARPET.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
OW!
ALL RIGHT, THIS ISN'T
WORKIN', WE HAVE TO GO WITH
DRASTIC MEASURES.
LET'S GET THE SPECIALIST!
SEND IN THE SPECIALIST!
ALL RIGHT, SEND
IN THE SPECIALIST.
HELLO, ARE YOU THE SPECIALIST?
ARE YOU THE DOCTOR, YEAH?
I'M THE DOCTOR.
I'M THE SPECIALIST.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW ABOUT THE PATIENT?
WHAT ABOUT THE PATIENT?
I WANT TO SEE THE PATIENT!
I'M TELLING YOU, WITH YOU,
I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE!
IS THIS THE PATIENT?
THIS IS THE PATIENT.
THE SPOTS ON YOUR HAND,
YOU EVER HAD THEM BEFORE?
- YEAH.
- WELL, YOU GOT 'EM AGAIN!
DOCTOR, DO YOU HAVE
THE PATIENT'S FILE TO SIGN?
GOT THE PATIENT'S FILE.
FILE THE PATIENT'S FILE.
THE PATIENT'S FILE IS FILED.
NOW LET'S FILE THE PATIENT.
FILE THE PATIENT.
DOCTOR, THIS REMINDS ME
OF A CASE I HEARD ABOUT.
A DELICATESSEN OWNER
WHO WAS ONLY INTERESTED
IN HIS WIFE WHEN SHE
DRESSED LIKE A SMOKED SALMON.
AH, WAS IT HARD ON THE WIFE?
YES, ESPECIALLY WHEN
HE TRIED TO FILET HER.
HERE'S THE PATIENT.
WAS IN HERE BEFORE.
WHERE IS IT, HELLO?
SO, TELL US ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE.
WHAT?
YOUR SEX LIFE.
HORSHACK.
WHAT DOES HIS SEX LIFE
HAVE TO DO WITH SMOKING?
NOTHING.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE FUN TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
HORSHACK, LET'S LEAVE
PEOPLE'S SEX LIVES
OUT OF THIS.
AT LEAST UNTIL YOU
GET ONE OF YOUR OWN.
OKAY, THERAPY,
LET'S GO, FIRST OF ALL,
SIGHT AVERSION!
SIGHT AVERSION!
HI, THERE.
I BEEN SMOKIN' FOUR
PACKS FOR TEN YEARS AND...
I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE.
SOUND AVERSION!
SOUND AVERSION!
DON'T SMOKE!
DON'T SMOKE!
ALL RIGHT, SMELL AVERSION!
SMELL AVERSION!
WHAT?
SMELL THAT!
CIGARETTE BUTTS
GROUNDED TOGETHER.
TERRIBLE!
SMELL THIS CIGAR,
SOGGY WITH TERRIBLE,
DISGUSTING... SMELL THAT!
AH, THAT'S THE WORST OF THE LOT!
I KNOW WE WENT
INTO YOUR GYM LOCKER
AND GOT YOUR SWEAT SOCKS.
YOU THINK THIS IS EASY FOR US?
NOW, JUAN, WE ARE
NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU.
THERE IS NO RIGHT AND NO WRONG.
NO JUAN, DO YOU
TRULY WISH TO GIVE UP
YOUR DISGUSTING,
REPULSIVE SMOKING HABIT?
YES.
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN LIVE
WITHOUT THE FLAVOR AND THE AROMA
OF YOUR FAVORITE BLEND?
YES.
AND YOU WILL NOT MISS
A LONG, SATISFYING PUFF?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, SO YOU STILL LIKE TO SMOKE.
HERE, HAVE ONE.
- GIVE 'EM TWO.
- HEY, HAVE THREE.
HAVE FOUR, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY NOW, MR. PUFF?
DOESN'T TASTE SO
GOOD, DOES IT, MR. PUFF?
HEY, FREDDIE, YOU WANT TO TRADE?
I GOT LIVERWURST
AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE
ON DATE NUT BREAD.
NO.
I DON'T EVEN WANT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
- DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- YEAH.
IT'S THE DUMBEST
SANDWICH I EVER HEARD OF.
NOW THIS, THIS IS LUNCH.
PEANUT BUTTER AND SQUID.
ON PUMPERNICKEL.
HOLD THE PICKLE,
HOLD THE RELISH.
YEAH, BUT YOU
CAN'T HOLD IT DOWN.
NOW THIS IS LUNCH.
PIG KNUCKLES ON JEWISH RYE.
WITH VIRGIN ISLAND DRESSING.
NICE.
OH... WHAT DO YOU
GOT, MR. KOTTER?
OH, NOTHING, IT'S JUST
SOMETHING JULIE MADE,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
HEY, JUAN.
HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY, IT'S BEEN SEVEN
DAYS SINCE I HAD
MY LAST CIGARETTE.
YAY!
YOU MISS CIGARETTES?
NAH.
I GOT THIS PIPE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
FRANKLY, JUAN, YOU LOOK
LIKE SHERLOCK SHEEPHEAD.
JUAN, LOOK, I'M A LITTLE
DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
MR. KOTTER, I READ
THAT SMOKIN' A PIPE
IS A LOT LESS HARMFUL
THAN SMOKIN' CIGARETTES.
OH, YEAH, WELL,
WHERE'D YOU READ THAT?
I THINK IT WAS COSMOPOLITAN.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUAN.
YOU GOT TO MAKE UP
YOUR OWN MIND, I MEAN,
YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO SMOKE.
IF YOU WANT TO SMOKE,
THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS,
YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.
WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT?
THAT'S A POTATO KNISH, I
THOUGHT YOU KICKED THE HABIT.
OH... VERY DISILLUSIONING,
MR. KOTTER.
ALL RIGHT, SO I'M HOOKED,
I HAVE TO HAVE A KNISH
ONCE IN A WHILE, SO
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
WELL, GENTLEMEN,
THERE IS ONLY ONE THING
WE CAN DO TO HELP THIS
POOR, TORTURED CREATURE NOW.
SMELL AVERSION!
SMELL AVERSION!
GET AWAY!
I'M YOUR TEACHER.
NOT YOUR ORDINARY KNISH JUNKIE.
LOOK, IF YOU HAD TO EAT
JULIE'S TUNA CASSEROLE
TWICE A WEEK, YOU'D
SNEAK A FEW KNISHES
ONCE IN A WHILE, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, EPSTEIN,
I GOT A PROPOSITION.
I'LL GIVE UP KNISHES IF
YOU GIVE UP SMOKING,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU GOT A DEAL.
♪
WHAT IS THAT?
THIS IS A BICENTENNIAL KNISH.
♪
JULIE.
DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO IS A FAMOUS EXPLORER,
FAMOUS FRONTIERSMAN?
YOU MEAN HE WAS IN
ALL THE HISTORY BOOKS
AND EVERYTHING.
OH, I MEAN, ALONGSIDE
DANIEL BOONE
AND DAVY CROCKETT,
YOU'LL FIND THE NAME
OF HAWKEYE KOTTER.
YES, YOU LOOK IN
ANY OF THE BOOKS,
HE'S IN ALL OF THESE
BOOKS, AND HAWKEYE KOTTER
WAS FAMOUS, IN FACT,
I REMEMBER ONE TIME,
MY UNCLE HAWKEYE,
THIS WAS WRITTEN
IN HISTORY BOOKS, I
DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT,
BUT I READ ABOUT
IT IN HISTORY BOOKS.
HE IS RIDING ALONG
ON HIS HORSE, RIGHT?
AND HE SEES A MAN ON THE PRAIRIE
WITH HIS EAR TO THE GROUND.
WHAT WAS HE DOING WITH
HIS EAR TO THE GROUND?
MY UNCLE HAWKEYE
FIGURED HE MUST BE LISTENING
TO SOMETHING, SO
HE GETS OFF HIS HORSE
AND PUTS HIS EAR TO THE GROUND.
DOESN'T HEAR A THING.
HE SAYS, UH,
"EXCUSE ME, PARTNER,
I DON'T HEAR A THING."
GUY LOOKS AT HIM,
HE SAYS, "I KNOW,
IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT ALL DAY."
ALL RIGHT, YOU
DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE?
I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER
ONE ABOUT UNCLE HAWKEYE.
UNCLE HAWKEYE IS RIDING
AND HE SEES AN INDIAN.
THIS TIME, THE INDIAN'S GOT
HIS EAR TO THE GROUND, RIGHT?
SAME AS THE GUY BEFORE, OKAY?
SO HE SAYS, THE
INDIAN... GETTING FUNNIER.
SHH!
"COVERED WAGON.
14, SOLDIERS, CAVALRY.
WOMAN IN COVERED WAGON.
HAVE BABY.
14, WAGON, ONE BLUE."
UNCLE SAYS, "THAT'S AMAZING!
YOU CAN HEAR THEM COMING?"
INDIAN SAYS, "NO.
RAN OVER ME A HALF HOUR AGO."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE... ♪♪
- YOUR FORGOT...
- MY LUNCH AGAIN!
WELL, AS LONG AS YOU'RE HERE,
I'LL TELL YOU ABOUT
ONE OF MY UNCLES.
TERRIFIC.
MY UNCLE JONAS, HE WAS A DOCTOR.
OKAY.
WHAT KIND OF DOCTOR WAS HE?
A VERY STRANGE DOCTOR.
ONE TIME, THIS GUY
CAME IN TO HIS OFFICE,
UNCLE JONAS SAYS,
"STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE
AND GO TO THE WINDOW!"
THE GUY STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE.
GOES TO THE WINDOW.
HE'S STANDING FOR
ABOUT FIVE MINUTES,
LOOKS BACK AT MY UNCLE,
HE SAYS, "WILL THIS HELP ME?"
MY UNCLE SAID, "NO,
BUT I'M MAD AT THE GUY
ACROSS THE STREET."
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH, WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪♪
♪
HI THERE.
FREDDIE BOOM-BOOM, THE DRY LOOK.
THERE, PERFECT.
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR?
OH, YOU SEE, FREDDIE, I
LIKE IT TO LOOK MESSY,
LIKE I DIDN'T HAVE TO DO NOTHIN'
AND I HAPPEN TO LOOK THIS CUTE
JUST BY ACCIDENT.
HEY, LISTEN TO WHAT
SOMEBODY WROTE ON THE WALL.
"SINCERE SENSITIVE
CULTURED YOUNG MAN
SEEKS MEANINGFUL
RELATIONSHIP WITH TRASHY BLONDE.
MUST HAVE REFERENCES."
WELL, WHAT KIND OF A LOSER
WOULD WRITE SOMETHING
LIKE THAT?
ME.
GENTLEMEN.
COME ON, THAT WAS THE BELL.
COMBING PERIOD IS OVER.
CAN WE GO AND DO
SOME WORK ON THE INSIDE
OF YOUR HEADS?
COME ON, MR. KOTTER,
JUST A COUPLE LITTLE
LAST-MINUTE TOUCHES
HERE, ALL RIGHT?
YOU SEE, WHEN YOU'RE
THE SWEATHOG HEARTTHROB,
YOU GOT A RESPONSIBILITY
TO LOOK PERFECT.
LET'S GO, COME ON, NO
MORE STALLING, PRONTO!
HEY, UH, VINNIE.
IF YOU KEEP TEASING
YOUR HAIR, YOUR SCALP
IS GONNA LEAVE
YOU FOR A HOT-COMB.
COME ON, COME ON.
YEAH, COME ON, JUAN,
WE DON'T WANNA BE TARDY.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL
BE RIGHT WITH YA.
SOON AS I GRAB A SMOKE.
OH, JUAN, JUAN, JUAN.
I AM SURPRISED AT YOU!
DON'T YOU KNOW THAT
CIGARETTE SMOKING
IS AGAINST SCHOOL RULES?
AH!
SO WHY DON'T YOU
REPORT ME, ARNOLD?
WHAT, REPORT?
OH NO!
I WOULD NEVER REPORT
YOU FOR SMOKING, JUAN.
WHAT CIGARETTE, I
DON'T SEE A CIGARETTE.
HELLO, MR. WOODMAN
AND MR. KOTTER.
IT SMELLS LIKE SMOKING,
IT WON'T WORK, EPSTEIN.
I SAW YOU WITH A CIGARETTE.
WHAT CIGARETTE?
THAT CIGARETTE.
AND I OUGHTA MAKE
YOU GO AFTER IT.
COME ON, EPSTEIN, LET'S
GO, GET OUTTA THERE.
COME ON.
WHEN DID YOU START SMOKING?
WHAT SMOKIN', HEY.
I'M JUST ENJOYING A FEW
MOMENTS OF PRIVACY, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WHEN YOU GOT NINE
BROTHERS AND SISTERS LIKE I GOT,
THE ONLY TIME YOU GET TO
USE THE BATHROOM BY YOURSELF
IS ON YOUR BIRTHDAY.
NINE BROTHERS AND
SISTERS LIVING IN THE GHETTO.
DON'T BOTHER, EPSTEIN, THAT
UNDERPRIVILEGED KID STUFF
MAY WORK ON KOTTER,
BUT IT WON'T WORK ON ME.
NOW REMEMBER,
YOU'RE TALKING TO A MAN
WHO HATES CAPTAIN KANGAROO!
TAKIN' YOU OVER TO
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS'S OFFICE.
WAIT A SECOND, I DIDN'T
EVEN GET A CHANCE
TO WASH MY HANDS!
HOW ABOUT PERSONAL HYGIENE?
♪
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS IS
REALLY GONNA GIVE IT
TO EPSTEIN THIS TIME,
YOU KNOW, KOTTER,
I HAVEN'T HAD THIS MUCH
FUN SINCE I SUSPENDED
A CHEERLEADER FOR
SHOWING HER POM-POMS
TO A ROTARY CLUB.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, JACK.
LOOK, THERE'S NO
NEED TO TAKE WOODMAN
OFF RESTROOM PATROL.
IT, UH, MAKES HIS DAY, YOU KNOW?
BY THE WAY, JACK, DON'T
FORGET WHAT I TOLD YOU.
THIS WEEK, TAKE THE
JETS AND THE POINTS!
HOW'D YOU DO, JUAN?
I'M FREE, I JUST GOT A WARNIN'.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.
LAZARUS DOESN'T LIKE ANYBODY.
EXCEPT EPSTEIN.
WHY?
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE,
UH... WHY IS THAT?
THAT'S BECAUSE JACK
THINKS OF ME LIKE A SON.
DOESN'T HE HAVE A SON?
OH, YEAH, HAROLD, BUT
HAROLD'S A REAL DISAPPOINTMENT
TO JACK, YOU KNOW?
SINCE HE MOVED TO
OREGON AND JOINED THAT
VEGETARIAN NUDIST COLONY.
OH, RIGHT, THE
VEGETARIAN NUDISTS,
I READ ABOUT THEM.
THEY HAVE THEIR OWN RELIGION.
THEY BELIEVE THAT AFTER YOU DIE,
YOU RETURN AS A CESAR SALAD.
A VEGETARIAN NUDIST COLONY.
WOW.
I BET YOU COULD HAVE
ONE WILD WEEKEND
WITH JUST A COUPLE OF
BOTTLES OF ROQUEFORT DRESSING.
HUH?
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,
THAT I CAN GET BACK
INTO THE DANCE?
IT'S NOT FAIR.
I DON'T WANT MUCH OUT OF LIFE.
JUST TO TRANSFER TO
A SCHOOL IN SCARSDALE
AND MY REAL TEETH BACK.
COME ON, VINNIE, HOW
ABOUT LUNCH, I'M BUYIN'.
UH, JUAN, WAIT A SECOND.
YOU KNOW, JUST 'CAUSE
YOU DIDN'T GET IN TROUBLE,
THAT'S NO REASON
YOU SHOULD SMOKE,
IN SCHOOL OR ANYPLACE ELSE.
JUST NOT HEALTHY.
YEAH, WELL, THAT'S WHAT
PRINCIPAL LAZARUS TOLD ME
SO I PROMISED HIM
I WAS GONNA QUIT.
GOOD BOY, JUAN.
THAT'S SMART THINKIN'.
BESIDES, I'M SURE
SOONER OR LATER
YOU'LL PICK UP
ANOTHER BAD HABIT.
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT
THE JETS AND THE POINTS,
I BET 50 CENTS WITH
JULIA, DO YOU THINK...
HEY, HEY, LOOK WHO
YOU'RE TALKING TO, HUH?
THE JETS AIN'T A SURE THING.
♪
FREDDIE, I NEVER TRIED
ONE OF THEM THINGS,
THE FRO COMB, LET ME TRY THAT.
GO AHEAD.
OW!
I GUESS IT DON'T
WORK ON ITALIAN HAIR.
HELLO, CHAPS!
OH.
SMOKE.
WELL, AS THEY SAY,
WHERE THERE'S SMOKE,
THERE'S FIRE!
FIRE IN THE SCHOOL!
FIRE IN THE SCHOOL!
AH!
YOU KNOW, ARNOLD, YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE A HARD TIME
GETTIN'S THIS BABY LIT.
WHAT'S GOIN' ON
HERE, WHAT IS THIS?
EPSTEIN, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU WERE GONNA STOP SMOKING.
LOOK, I TRIED, MR. KOTTER,
BUT I CAN'T, OKAY?
I MEAN, I'VE BEEN SMOKIN'
SINCE I WAS 12, YOU KNOW,
ON AND OFF, ON AND OFF.
ALL OF A SUDDEN, I CAN'T QUIT.
YOU CAN QUIT, JUAN,
IT JUST MIGHT BE
A LITTLE BIT MORE
DIFFICULT THIS TIME.
DO YOU KNOW THAT SINCE THE
SURGEON GENERAL'S REPORT
ON SMOKING IN 1964, OVER
30 MILLION PEOPLE HAVE QUIT?
REALLY?
THAT'S RIGHT, I THINK I
READ IT IN COSMOPOLITAN.
WELL, I DON'T BUY IT.
JULIE BUYS IT, SO IT'S
LAYIN' AROUND THE HOUSE,
SO I READ IT.
SO WHAT, I MEAN, IT'S GOT
SOME INTERESTING ARTICLES.
"HOW COSTUMES
SAVED MY MARRIAGE."
"MENU PLANNING IF YOU'RE
DATING A SOCCER TEAM."
YOU KNOW, MR. KOTTER.
IT AIN'T EASY TO
BREAK A BAD HABIT.
LET ME TELL YOU
GUYS A LITTLE STORY.
OH.
HERE WE GO AGAIN.
YOU KNOW, FOR A YOUNG
GUY, HE'S GOT A LOT OF STORIES.
CAN'T YOU WAIT UNTIL YOU
GET HOME AND TELL YOUR WIFE?
NO, I NEVER TOLD
YOU THIS ONE BEFORE.
WHEN I WAS ABOUT 12, I
HAD A MONKEY ON MY BACK.
THAT'S RIGHT, I WAS
HOOKED ON POTATO KNISHES.
IT ALL STARTED OUT INNOCENT.
I WAS IN CONEY ISLAND, A
YOUNG KID WALKIN' AROUND
CONEY ISLAND, THIS GUY
CAME UP TO ME, HE SAID,
"HEY KID, COME HERE.
WANT A FREE KNISH?"
I SAID, "SURE WHY NOT?"
IT WAS FREE, SO I TOOK IT.
NEXT DAY, SAME GUY.
"HEY, KID, COME HERE,
YOU WANT ANOTHER
FREE KNISH?"
I SAID, "GREAT," IT
WAS FREE, IT WAS EASY,
I WAS ROLLING IN CLOVER,
FREE KNISH EVERY DAY,
WHEN WAS IT GONNA STOP?
I'LL TELL YA WHEN IT
STOPPED, TWO WEEKS LATER.
I WENT UP TO THE GUY
AND SAID, "HEY, MISTER.
WHERE'S MY FREE KNISH?"
"HEY, I'M SORRY KID.
I GOTTA MAKE A LIVING.
KNISHES AREN'T FREE ANYMORE."
FROM THAT DAY ON, ALL
MY MONEY WENT ON KNISHES,
MY WHOLE ALLOWANCE.
I WAS UP TO FIVE
KNISHES A DAY, BARBARINO.
FIVE A DAY.
THEN I FOUND OUT I
DIDN'T GET THE SAME KICK
FROM KNISHES.
HAD TO MOVE ON TO HARDER STUFF.
REAL JUNK FOOD, HORSHACK.
MALLOMARS.
DEVIL DOGS.
TWINKIES.
AND EVEN INDIANA FRIED CHICKEN!
GOT SO BAD, ONE
MORNING, I WOKE UP,
I HAD HALF A BURRITO
HANGING OUT OF MY MOUTH.
AND I HAD NO IDEA
HOW IT GOT THERE.
WELL, I HAD TO MAKE
A DECISION, EPSTEIN.
I HAD TO DECIDE WHETHER
OR NOT I WAS GONNA LET
JUNK FOOD RULE MY LIFE.
WHAT DID YOU DO?
I WENT COLD TURKEY.
COLD TURKEY.
THAT'S RIGHT, FOR FIVE
DAYS, INSTEAD OF JUNK FOOD,
I ATE NOTHING BUT COLD TURKEY.
THAT'S HOW I KICKED.
OH.
TRULY INSPIRING
STORY, MR. KOTTER.
IT OUGHTA BE A MOVIE.
"MAN WITH THE GOLDEN KNISH."
"A HAT FULL OF KNISHES."
"THE KNISH CONNECTION."
"THE KNISH CONNECTION 2."
ENOUGH ALREADY!
LOOK, JUAN, YOU CAN QUIT.
PEOPLE QUIT EVERY DAY AT
THOSE CLINICS, YOU KNOW?
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT A
MINUTE, MR. KOTTER.
EPSTEIN, MAN, HE DON'T
GOT THE KIND OF MONEY
THEY BE PAYIN' IN
THEM SMOKING CLINICS.
EPSTEIN'S FAMILY IS SO POOR
THAT ON THANKSGIVING,
THEY HAVE TO RENT A TURKEY.
LOOK, WE'LL HELP YOU.
I MEAN, WE'LL DO IT OURSELVES.
WE USE THE SAME
PRINCIPLE THEY USE AT THOSE
SMOKING CLINICS, IT'S
CALLED AVERSION THERAPY.
OH, YEAH, THE
PERVERSION THERAPY.
WE JUST TORTURE JUAN
UNTIL HE QUITS SMOKING.
IT'S NOT TORTURE,
BARBARINO, IT'S JUST THERAPY
TO HELP JUAN
BREAK HIS BAD HABIT.
LOOK WHAT YOU GET,
LOOK IN THE MIRROR.
I CAN'T LOOK AT THAT.
LOOK IN THE MIRROR,
AND GET A LOOK AT YOU!
THE TOUGHEST KID IN SCHOOL.
A SLAVE TO A LITTLE
STICK OF TOBACCO.
BESIDE THAT, LOOK,
YOU NEED A HAIRCUT.
JUAN, TOMORROW, WE SHALL OPEN UP
THE SWEATHOG CLINIC
FOR THE CURE OF SMOKING!
ARE YOU READY?
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
GOING OUTSIDE TO HAVE A SMOKE.
♪
"UP MR. KOTTER'S NOSE
WITH MISS FISHFECK'S
SUPPORT HOSE"?
♪
WELL, IT'S NOT A
BAD PICTURE OF ME.
♪
DO YOU THINK THIS
WILL REALLY GET ME
TO QUIT SMOKIN', MR. KOTTER?
WELL, WE'RE GONNA TRY, JUAN,
THE GUYS ARE GONNA BE HERE
AS SOON AS THEY
FINISH THEIR LAST PERIOD.
COME ON, SIT DOWN.
NOW ALL WE'RE GONNA
DO IS TRY AND HELP YOU
UNLEARN A BAD HABIT.
WELL, I'M GOOD AT THAT,
I ALREADY UNLEARNED
THE WHOLE TENTH GRADE!
EPSTEIN.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE,
FIGURED AFTER THREE O'CLOCK,
YOU'D BE RUNNING
AROUND THE NEIGHBORHOOD,
CLICKIN' YOUR BEAK.
MR. WOODMAN, JUAN'S
GONNA TRY AND STOP SMOKING.
OH?
WELL, IT'S NOT THAT EASY.
I REMEMBER WHEN I QUIT.
YOU SMOKED?
YES, YEARS AGO, KOTTER.
I SMOKED KING SIZE.
I THOUGHT THEY'D
MAKE ME LOOK TALLER.
YOU KNOW WHY I NEVER SMOKED?
I THINK IT WAS THOSE
CIGARETTE COMMERCIALS
ON TELEVISION,
THEY TURNED ME OFF.
I COULD NEVER PICTURE MYSELF
LIVING IN MARLBORO COUNTRY.
YOU KNOW WHAT
COMMERCIAL ALWAYS GOT TO ME
WAS THE ONE WITH THE,
UH, DANCING CIGARETTES.
ALL I COULD SEE WAS THE
GIRLS' LEGS STICKING OUT
OF THE BIG CIGARETTE BOX.
KOTTER, THEY DROVE ME CRAZY.
FOR THREE YEARS,
I WANTED TO MARRY
A SIX-FOOT TALL PACK OF
MENTHOLATED OLD GOLDS!
THAT'S NOT BAD, MR. WOODMAN,
I HEARD ABOUT A GUY ONCE
WHO HAD A CRUSH ON A CAMEL.
A CRUSH ON A CAMEL!
THAT'S FUNNY, KOTTER.
RELAX, JUAN, ALL WE'RE GONNA DO
IS TRY AND HELP YOU
UNLEARN A BAD HABIT.
YEAH, WELL, I'LL DO
ANYTHING IT TAKES
TO STOP SMOKING.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THAT?
DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, IT'S
THE WALL-TO-WALL CARPETING
FROM MR. WOODMAN'S OFFICE.
GET HIM ON THE CARPET.
ON THE CARPET, OKAY.
OKAY, JUAN, I TELL YOU
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
ME AND VINNIE, WE'RE GONNA
START A LITTLE BIT ELECTRICITY,
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
CREATE A SHOCK, OKAY?
LIGHT UP, YOUR FAVORITE
BLEND, LIGHT 'EM UP.
NOW EVERY TIME YOU
TAKE A PUFF OF THIS,
WE'RE GONNA SHOCK YOU.
SO YOU WON'T WANNA
SMOKE NO MORE.
OKAY, START, LET'S GO.
YOU READY? READY?
- OKAY.
- OKAY.
AH!
SO WHEN ARE YOU
GUYS GONNA SHOCK ME?
SOMETHING'S WRONG,
GET UP, SIT OVER THERE.
COME ON, TRY IT ON ME.
- YOU READY?
- READY.
OKAY.
OW!
OKAY, SPORT, SIT
DOWN. LET'S DO IT.
YOU GOTTA HAVE BOTH
YOUR FEET ON THE CARPET.
PUT YOUR FEET ON THE CARPET.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR, FIVE, SIX,
SEVEN, EIGHT, NINE, TEN.
OW!
ALL RIGHT, THIS ISN'T
WORKIN', WE HAVE TO GO WITH
DRASTIC MEASURES.
LET'S GET THE SPECIALIST!
SEND IN THE SPECIALIST!
ALL RIGHT, SEND
IN THE SPECIALIST.
HELLO, ARE YOU THE SPECIALIST?
ARE YOU THE DOCTOR, YEAH?
I'M THE DOCTOR.
I'M THE SPECIALIST.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW ABOUT THE PATIENT?
WHAT ABOUT THE PATIENT?
I WANT TO SEE THE PATIENT!
I'M TELLING YOU, WITH YOU,
I'M LOSING MY PATIENCE!
IS THIS THE PATIENT?
THIS IS THE PATIENT.
THE SPOTS ON YOUR HAND,
YOU EVER HAD THEM BEFORE?
- YEAH.
- WELL, YOU GOT 'EM AGAIN!
DOCTOR, DO YOU HAVE
THE PATIENT'S FILE TO SIGN?
GOT THE PATIENT'S FILE.
FILE THE PATIENT'S FILE.
THE PATIENT'S FILE IS FILED.
NOW LET'S FILE THE PATIENT.
FILE THE PATIENT.
DOCTOR, THIS REMINDS ME
OF A CASE I HEARD ABOUT.
A DELICATESSEN OWNER
WHO WAS ONLY INTERESTED
IN HIS WIFE WHEN SHE
DRESSED LIKE A SMOKED SALMON.
AH, WAS IT HARD ON THE WIFE?
YES, ESPECIALLY WHEN
HE TRIED TO FILET HER.
HERE'S THE PATIENT.
WAS IN HERE BEFORE.
WHERE IS IT, HELLO?
SO, TELL US ABOUT YOUR SEX LIFE.
WHAT?
YOUR SEX LIFE.
HORSHACK.
WHAT DOES HIS SEX LIFE
HAVE TO DO WITH SMOKING?
NOTHING.
I JUST THOUGHT IT WOULD
BE FUN TO HEAR ABOUT IT.
HORSHACK, LET'S LEAVE
PEOPLE'S SEX LIVES
OUT OF THIS.
AT LEAST UNTIL YOU
GET ONE OF YOUR OWN.
OKAY, THERAPY,
LET'S GO, FIRST OF ALL,
SIGHT AVERSION!
SIGHT AVERSION!
HI, THERE.
I BEEN SMOKIN' FOUR
PACKS FOR TEN YEARS AND...
I FEEL PERFECTLY FINE.
SOUND AVERSION!
SOUND AVERSION!
DON'T SMOKE!
DON'T SMOKE!
ALL RIGHT, SMELL AVERSION!
SMELL AVERSION!
WHAT?
SMELL THAT!
CIGARETTE BUTTS
GROUNDED TOGETHER.
TERRIBLE!
SMELL THIS CIGAR,
SOGGY WITH TERRIBLE,
DISGUSTING... SMELL THAT!
AH, THAT'S THE WORST OF THE LOT!
I KNOW WE WENT
INTO YOUR GYM LOCKER
AND GOT YOUR SWEAT SOCKS.
YOU THINK THIS IS EASY FOR US?
NOW, JUAN, WE ARE
NOT HERE TO JUDGE YOU.
THERE IS NO RIGHT AND NO WRONG.
NO JUAN, DO YOU
TRULY WISH TO GIVE UP
YOUR DISGUSTING,
REPULSIVE SMOKING HABIT?
YES.
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU CAN LIVE
WITHOUT THE FLAVOR AND THE AROMA
OF YOUR FAVORITE BLEND?
YES.
AND YOU WILL NOT MISS
A LONG, SATISFYING PUFF?
I DON'T KNOW.
OH, SO YOU STILL LIKE TO SMOKE.
HERE, HAVE ONE.
- GIVE 'EM TWO.
- HEY, HAVE THREE.
HAVE FOUR, ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU HAVE
TO SAY NOW, MR. PUFF?
DOESN'T TASTE SO
GOOD, DOES IT, MR. PUFF?
HEY, FREDDIE, YOU WANT TO TRADE?
I GOT LIVERWURST
AND CHOCOLATE SAUCE
ON DATE NUT BREAD.
NO.
I DON'T EVEN WANT
TO THINK ABOUT IT.
- DID YOU HEAR THAT?
- YEAH.
IT'S THE DUMBEST
SANDWICH I EVER HEARD OF.
NOW THIS, THIS IS LUNCH.
PEANUT BUTTER AND SQUID.
ON PUMPERNICKEL.
HOLD THE PICKLE,
HOLD THE RELISH.
YEAH, BUT YOU
CAN'T HOLD IT DOWN.
NOW THIS IS LUNCH.
PIG KNUCKLES ON JEWISH RYE.
WITH VIRGIN ISLAND DRESSING.
NICE.
OH... WHAT DO YOU
GOT, MR. KOTTER?
OH, NOTHING, IT'S JUST
SOMETHING JULIE MADE,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
HEY, JUAN.
HEY, HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY, IT'S BEEN SEVEN
DAYS SINCE I HAD
MY LAST CIGARETTE.
YAY!
YOU MISS CIGARETTES?
NAH.
I GOT THIS PIPE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
FRANKLY, JUAN, YOU LOOK
LIKE SHERLOCK SHEEPHEAD.
JUAN, LOOK, I'M A LITTLE
DISAPPOINTED IN YOU.
MR. KOTTER, I READ
THAT SMOKIN' A PIPE
IS A LOT LESS HARMFUL
THAN SMOKIN' CIGARETTES.
OH, YEAH, WELL,
WHERE'D YOU READ THAT?
I THINK IT WAS COSMOPOLITAN.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, JUAN.
YOU GOT TO MAKE UP
YOUR OWN MIND, I MEAN,
YOU'RE OLD ENOUGH TO SMOKE.
IF YOU WANT TO SMOKE,
THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS,
YOU CAN MAKE YOUR OWN DECISIONS.
WHAT IS THAT?
WHAT?
THAT'S A POTATO KNISH, I
THOUGHT YOU KICKED THE HABIT.
OH... VERY DISILLUSIONING,
MR. KOTTER.
ALL RIGHT, SO I'M HOOKED,
I HAVE TO HAVE A KNISH
ONCE IN A WHILE, SO
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?
WELL, GENTLEMEN,
THERE IS ONLY ONE THING
WE CAN DO TO HELP THIS
POOR, TORTURED CREATURE NOW.
SMELL AVERSION!
SMELL AVERSION!
GET AWAY!
I'M YOUR TEACHER.
NOT YOUR ORDINARY KNISH JUNKIE.
LOOK, IF YOU HAD TO EAT
JULIE'S TUNA CASSEROLE
TWICE A WEEK, YOU'D
SNEAK A FEW KNISHES
ONCE IN A WHILE, TOO.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK, EPSTEIN,
I GOT A PROPOSITION.
I'LL GIVE UP KNISHES IF
YOU GIVE UP SMOKING,
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
YOU GOT A DEAL.
♪
WHAT IS THAT?
THIS IS A BICENTENNIAL KNISH.
♪
JULIE.
DID I EVER TELL
YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE
WHO IS A FAMOUS EXPLORER,
FAMOUS FRONTIERSMAN?
YOU MEAN HE WAS IN
ALL THE HISTORY BOOKS
AND EVERYTHING.
OH, I MEAN, ALONGSIDE
DANIEL BOONE
AND DAVY CROCKETT,
YOU'LL FIND THE NAME
OF HAWKEYE KOTTER.
YES, YOU LOOK IN
ANY OF THE BOOKS,
HE'S IN ALL OF THESE
BOOKS, AND HAWKEYE KOTTER
WAS FAMOUS, IN FACT,
I REMEMBER ONE TIME,
MY UNCLE HAWKEYE,
THIS WAS WRITTEN
IN HISTORY BOOKS, I
DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT IT,
BUT I READ ABOUT
IT IN HISTORY BOOKS.
HE IS RIDING ALONG
ON HIS HORSE, RIGHT?
AND HE SEES A MAN ON THE PRAIRIE
WITH HIS EAR TO THE GROUND.
WHAT WAS HE DOING WITH
HIS EAR TO THE GROUND?
MY UNCLE HAWKEYE
FIGURED HE MUST BE LISTENING
TO SOMETHING, SO
HE GETS OFF HIS HORSE
AND PUTS HIS EAR TO THE GROUND.
DOESN'T HEAR A THING.
HE SAYS, UH,
"EXCUSE ME, PARTNER,
I DON'T HEAR A THING."
GUY LOOKS AT HIM,
HE SAYS, "I KNOW,
IT'S BEEN LIKE THAT ALL DAY."
ALL RIGHT, YOU
DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE?
I'LL TELL YOU ANOTHER
ONE ABOUT UNCLE HAWKEYE.
UNCLE HAWKEYE IS RIDING
AND HE SEES AN INDIAN.
THIS TIME, THE INDIAN'S GOT
HIS EAR TO THE GROUND, RIGHT?
SAME AS THE GUY BEFORE, OKAY?
SO HE SAYS, THE
INDIAN... GETTING FUNNIER.
SHH!
"COVERED WAGON.
14, SOLDIERS, CAVALRY.
WOMAN IN COVERED WAGON.
HAVE BABY.
14, WAGON, ONE BLUE."
UNCLE SAYS, "THAT'S AMAZING!
YOU CAN HEAR THEM COMING?"
INDIAN SAYS, "NO.
RAN OVER ME A HALF HOUR AGO."
♪
♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ YOUR DREAMS WERE
YOUR TICKET OUT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ TO THAT SAME OLD PLACE
THAT YOU LAUGHED ABOUT ♪
♪ WELL THE NAMES
HAVE ALL CHANGED
SINCE YOU HUNG AROUND ♪
♪ BUT THOSE DREAMS HAVE REMAINED
AND THEY'VE TURNED AROUND ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ WHO'D HAVE THOUGHT
THEY'D LEAD YOU ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ BACK HERE WHERE WE NEED YA ♪
♪ YEAH WE TEASE HIM A LOT
'CAUSE WE GOT HIM ON THE SPOT ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME
BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK, WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ WE ALWAYS COULD
SPOT A FRIEND ♪
♪ WELCOME BACK ♪
♪ AND I SMILE WHEN I THINK
HOW YOU MUST'VE BEEN ♪
♪ AND I KNOW WHAT A SCENE... ♪♪