Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 8 - One of Our Sweathogs Is Missing - full transcript
Epstein loses a fight to Todd Ludlow, he feels so ashamed about it he runs away.
Oh, you remember my Uncle Ernie?
No, I don't.
It doesn't matter. He
doesn't remember you either.
Anyway, he's
getting married again.
This is the fourth time.
The fourth time?
What about the
other three wives?
First one died from
eating poison mushrooms.
Second one died from
eating poison mushrooms.
What about the third one?
Fractured skull.
A fractured skull?
Mm-hm. She wouldn't
eat the poison mushrooms.
Welcome Back, Kotter has
been recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Okay, you got two
minutes to the bell.
But would you like to know
what would make me happy?
What?
Would you like to know what
would make me supremely happy?
Yeah.
Just once, if I can
go into that room
and see my entire class
sitting there before the bell rang.
Make another wish.
Look, Mr. Kotter, we've
still got two minutes
of private life
left, do you mind?
Just once. Just once,
that's all I'm asking.
She told me, Epstein.
She told me.
Who? What? Who told you what?
Susie.
You hit on her at the party.
Tried to make out with my chick.
Hey, I wouldn't go near her.
Face it, Ludlow,
the lady's a dog.
You're calling my Susie a dog?
Yeah, well, name me another
girl that barks and rolls over.
That does it, Epstein let's go.
Hey, take it easy,
man. Take it easy.
I'm, uh, trying to figure out
what your new face
is gonna look like.
Hey, my friend,
a word of warning:
Epstein was voted
most likely to take a life.
Oh, man. Shucks.
Yeah, I voted three times.
You coming, Cream Puff?
Ooh!
Horshack, my bandana, please.
Yes, sir.
I accept your challenge.
Fisticuffs, close range...
Hey, give him room.
Give him room. Give
him room. Let's go.
Hey, that way.
Have a good time.
We ought to find out
Ludlow's blood type
and start rounding up donations.
Okay, okay.
You people are
going the wrong way.
What's going on?
Hey, Dr. Epstein is
performing a nose transplant.
Ah, there ain't nothing like a
brisk morning workout, boys.
Where's Epstein, man?
All right, get into class.
But we gotta find Epstein.
I'll find Epstein. Go into cl...
Come on, Horshack,
get into class.
Where's Epstein?
He's back there on the floor.
Go to your class.
Epstein, are you okay?
Hey, look at me, man.
So you got a black eye, huh?
Hey, you didn't look
that terrific to begin with.
Come on, we're
gonna be late for class.
I ain't going to class, man.
I ain't never going to class.
Where you going then?
I don't know, uh...
into the religious life.
Brother Epstein, huh?
See the headlines: "Puerto
Rican Jew joins monastery...
becomes the first schlamonk."
Hey, so you got beat up?
Big deal.
I mean, I got beat
up plenty of times.
You think no one's
gonna understand?
Yeah, that's what I think.
Hey, Juan, those kids in there,
the Sweathogs,
they're your friends.
Ah, man, nobody
likes a loser, man.
Hey, you know
why you're leaving?
'Cause you don't
have the guts to stay.
Who says?
I say. Oh, yeah?
Well, who are you to say?
I am the ghost of Sweathog past.
Oh, man.
Hey, if I am wrong,
may a thousand Mr. Woodmans
move into my apartment building.
Come on, you go back
and you face your friends,
and then I'll take
you to the nurse.
You get that eye fixed up.
Epstein. Hey, man.
Are you okay?
Let's check it out,
man. Whooo! Wow.
See, huh? They're
still your friends.
Of course we're
still his friends.
We're sure... We're
sure his friends, man.
Man, we're Sweathogs.
Our hearts go out to losers.
Oh, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
Epstein is not a loser.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm only
talking about the fight.
Which he did lose.
Hey, but you're my main man.
You could be a big one,
and all that other stuff, man.
You know, like,
um... Like knitting...
and, um, like, um... ballet.
Look, Epstein,
you're still our friend,
and we respect
you for who you are.
A totally beaten man.
Okay, though, I am truly
grievously upset
with you, Epstein.
How can I expect
everybody to respect me
when my very meanest friend
turns out to be a cream puff?
Hey, you lied, man. No, man.
Now that ain't the toughest kid,
I'm nobody, man.
I'm nothing, man.
We were only kidding.
It's supposed to be...
Mrs. Epstein, do
you have any idea
where he might have gone?
Beside the zoo with
the rest of the animals.
Look, I'll tell you
what: If I locate him,
I'll let you know as
soon as I hear anything.
Okay.
You've been a great
help, Mrs. Epstein.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
It's incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
Her son's been
missing for three days.
And the only thing she says is:
"Hey, Murray, no
wonder there was
an extra sausage last night."
Honey, maybe that's
why being a tough guy
is so important to him.
Nobody ever shows him any love.
Yeah, well, before I
love him, I gotta find him.
If he only knew how much
everybody wanted him back.
Well, what should I do?
Stand on the steps of the
school and start singing:
♪ Won't you come
home Juan Epstein? ♪
♪ Won't you come home? ♪
♪ We moan a whole night long ♪
Come on, let's go.
♪ We'll do the cooking,
Juan We'll pay the rent ♪
Good morning, Mrs. Kotter.
Wherever you are.
Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.
♪ Remember that rainy evening ♪
Out. Goodbye.
♪ Oh, you had
nothing, we're fine... ♪
♪ I know I'm to blame,
Well, ain't that a shame ♪
♪ Juan Epstein Won't
you please come home... ♪
Hello?
♪ I really mean it... ♪
Epstein Central.
Epstein ain't here,
Barbarino speaking.
Well, if he ain't there,
try that store on the corner
with the big sign that
says, "We never close."
Oh, it's closed?
All right, then try the
Staten Island ferry.
No, stupid, it's a boat.
All right, the rest of you
guys take Manhattan,
the Bronx, and
Staten Island too.
♪ Hey, tell me what street ♪
♪ Compares with
my street In July ♪
Sit down. Sit down.
Hey, Barbarino,
what's going on in here?
This is a classroom,
not Allied command headquarters.
This is our all-out effort
to find our friend, Epstein.
You was right, Mr. Kotter.
It was sort of our fault,
his running away and all.
But we're gonna make up for it.
Everybody's out
looking everywhere.
You wanna help?
Here, be a blue pin.
Forget the blue pin.
There's a red
phone on that table.
What?
That. That's a red phone.
Where?
Right over there.
That?
That is a red
phone on the table.
Now, where did that
red phone come from?
Oh, we found it.
Lying around.
In Mr. Woodman's office.
Ohhh.
Horshack, it's good to see you.
What's the story
in Coney Island?
Twelve potato knishes.
Who told you that you
had to eat 12 knishes?
They did.
The knishes? They speak to you?
Yes. They said:
"Arnold.
Arnold.
Eat us.
We're fluffy.
We're delicious."
Oh, but they lied.
Arnold, you can't trust a knish.
I think you'd better sit
down, you're knished-out.
What is the meaning of all this?
Well, for class
today, Mr. Woodman,
they're conducting a
missing-persons bureau.
They're trying to locate
one Juan Epstein. Huh.
He might have joined the circus.
May have been an opening
for a half man, half beast.
My red phone.
What's it doing here?
What?
That's my red phone, Kotter.
Where?
Right there.
That?
That's my red phone.
Where did it come from?
They found it.
Lying around.
In your office.
Just a minute, Kotter.
Don't answer that.
No one under any circumstances
answers my red phone
except me, and give it to me.
Hello?
It's for you.
Hello.
Hi, Julie. What...?
What?
I'll be right there.
You gotta take over my class.
Just pretend you're in charge.
I gotta go home.
Epstein showed up.
Where? ALL: Where?
At my apartment.
Right now, he's
locked in my bathroom.
I gotta get there before
he drowns my rubber duck.
Juan, you've been in
there for over an hour.
You must be awfully
hot and thirsty by now.
How would you like
a nice cold soda?
Sure I would, but I'm a punk.
Punks don't deserve
nice cold sodas.
What do you got
that's warm and flat?
Hi, honey.
Hi. Is he still in
there? Uh-huh.
Juan, Mr. Kotter's here.
I'll be right back
with your flat soda.
Don't go anywhere.
Where would I go?
Epstein, it's me.
Where have you been?
Missing. Actually,
I'm still missing.
Epstein, you're not missing.
You're in my bathroom.
Right now, I wanna take a bath.
Why? It ain't Saturday.
Epstein, come outta there,
or I'm gonna break
this door down.
No, you won't.
That's what you're supposed
to say in situations like this.
You know what you're
also supposed to say?
What?
Now, see here, Leo.
Now, come out
with your hands up.
Oh, you dirty rat.
You'll never take
me alive, copper.
Ah.
Never, copper. Never, never.
That's not bad, Epstein.
You liked that? A little higher.
Higher? "You'll
never take me alive."
You'll never take me alive.
Put your thumbs in your pants.
Got it.
Okay, you know what
I'm gonna do now?
Ooh, you know what
I'm gonna do now?
I'm coming outta this bathroom.
I'm coming outta this bathroom.
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle boy ♪
Hey, no way.
Almost worked, sweetheart.
Juan, this is Julie.
I've got your flat soda for you.
Pour it under the door.
The only way you're gonna it
is to get your tail outta there.
Look, Mrs. Kotter's out there,
and I don't feel
like facing a woman.
Don't worry, Juan. I'll lock
myself in the bathroom.
Okay, look, you gotta promise
me one thing, Mr. Kotter.
I promise.
What did I promise?
That you don't look at me.
Okay.
I'll look at a lamp.
Well, Epstein, nice
to see you again.
You lost a little
weight, haven't you?
Hey, Mr. Kotter, the second
rule after don't look at me,
is don't make fun of me.
If you didn't want
me to look at you,
then why did you come here?
To say goodbye.
I'm running away
to join the circus.
Don't you know...
Don't look at me.
Look at the lamp.
Don't you know...
that the one thing you can't
run away from is yourself?
Because no matter where
you go, lamp, you go with you.
So, why don't you
go back to school?
I can't.
Epstein, could I
please look at you?
I can't get through
to this lamp.
Okay, but, like, kinda like
have no expression on your face.
Epstein.
Now tell me why
you can't go back?
'Cause I'm a punk.
My friends were right
when they said I'm a punk.
Uh, a child of the streets.
A fly speck on
the highway of life.
Hey, nobody cares about me, man.
Okay, then you tell
me why those kids
have been combing
the city looking for you?
They have not.
They have.
In their own way, of course.
Hey, they care about you, Juan.
We all care about you.
Then how come you didn't write?
Juan, you poor baby.
Don't look at me.
Look at the lamp.
You know what I see? What?
I see a sensitive,
bright, energetic kid,
that has a lot more
going for him than muscle.
You see that?
Where? Where is that guy?
Show me, where?
I'll show you where that guy is.
That guy is in here:
And that guy is in here:
Yeah, how about right here?
There's nothing in there, Juan.
It's empty.
Nothing.
However, you are going to meet
a tall dark stranger.
Honey, I'm through
looking at the lamp,
and now I'm
answering the window.
Hi.
I told you over and
over and over again,
don't come in
through the window.
There's a door over there.
You see, a door?
What do you think it's used for?
At least they're
making progress.
They knocked.
Epstein, how you doing?
You ready to come back and
wipe out Todd Ludlow, huh?
We figured you've
rested up enough
to get back a little
Sweathog honor.
Yeah, you could
hit him, and kick him
and knock him down
the stairs and step on him.
I don't know.
Epstein, what's
the matter with you?
Maybe Epstein has decided
that there's more to being a man
than winning or losing a fight.
That manliness is not measured
by the amount of
macho a guy's got.
Right you are, Mr. Kotter.
I get along without
any macho at all.
Yeah, I'm holding it
for him till he gets older.
Hey, look, a real
man's got to be tough.
No way, Freddie.
Are you saying just
'cause Ludlow took me out
that I'm less than a man?
I mean, how about what
I think and how I feel?
That's a lot of jive
words from Mr. Kotter.
No way. Hey, man, look.
He don't know nothing about
living in the streets
today, man. Nothing.
Freddie, what makes
you think that today
is any different than yesterday?
Where do you think
I got this nose from?
From a novelty store?
Horshack, this nose has
been all over the place.
One year, it was over here.
One year is in back here.
One year, I had to
hide it in my locker,
to make sure it was safe.
As long as we still
got to be living here,
there's gonna be times when
we got to resort to fighting.
You understand? No.
No, I don't understand.
You don't understand
that you have a choice.
You can use this:
And maybe you guys will stay
in this neighborhood
the rest of your lives.
Or you can use what's in
here, and what's in here,
and you got a shot
at getting outta here.
I mean, it's all up to you.
Let... Let me translate.
Everybody make a fist. Aw.
Come on, make a fist.
All right. Okay.
Now open it up.
You see, there's
nothing in there. Heh.
What?
Right here. There's
nothing there.
Where?
Why don't you call
your mother, Juan?
She's worried about you.
You know something, Mrs. Kotter?
What, Juan?
It's not much fun being missing.
I mean, like, you
walk around all day,
but you're not really
there, you know?
Hello?
Pedro.
Yeah, yeah, it's me.
Hey, do me a favor, put
Ma on the phone, will ya?
Hello, Ma?
Oh, Irving.
Yeah.
Hey, Irving,
c-could you get Ma to the phone?
Thanks. Hello, Ma?
Sanchez?
Uh, S-Sanchez, could
you get Ma on the phone?
Hello, Ma?
It's me, Juan.
Juan Epstein.
Number six.
Short guy, curly hair.
Antisocial.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, well, I'm at the Kotters'.
Yeah, I'm coming home.
Yeah. Okay.
Here.
Hello, Mrs. Epstein.
Yeah, he's fine, safe and sound.
Okay, I'm gonna send him home.
Okay, I will.
She says if you were planning
to come home for dinner,
that you should eat here.
Your sausage was
already committed.
Why don't you all come
back here for dinner?
Hey, that's a great
idea, Mrs. Kotter.
You know, Epstein,
you were right.
There is nothing there.
Hey, man, maybe you don't got to
beat up on a guy
to prove yourself.
That's right.
Use your head, and get
somebody else to do it for you.
We're all gonna
have supper together,
but we gotta go back
to school right now,
so come on, let's go.
We got a lot to learn.
All right. Okay.
See you later, Mrs. Kotter.
Bye-bye, Arnold. Bye.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
Did I tell you about
my Uncle Bernie
who never took a bath?
No. This is true.
I had an Uncle Bernie,
never took a bath.
Really? Yeah.
Now, one time he's gone
away to vacation, you know?
He's got two friends of his.
One's a guy from India,
and one's a guy from Israel.
Right? Mm-hm.
Their car breaks down. Mm-hm.
Knocks on a farmer's door, says:
"There's three of us here.
We have no place
to sleep for tonight.
Our car broke down."
The farmer says, "Well,
two of you can sleep here.
One has to sleep in the barn,
'cause we don't have any room."
Which one slept in the barn?
First the guy from India says,
"That is all right. I will sleep
in the barn, no problem."
He goes to sleep in the barn.
About a minute
later, there's a knock.
It's the guy from India.
He says, "So sorry, I
cannot sleep in there.
There's a cow in the barn,
and cow is a sacred animal.
Cannot sleep with a cow."
So, what happened then?
The guy from Israel says:
"Big deal, so I'll go
sleep in the barn."
He goes to the barn,
and about a minute
later there's a knock.
It's the guy from Israel.
He says, "I can't sleep.
There's a pig in the barn.
It's not kosher, and I
can't sleep with a pig."
So, what did your uncle do?
Well, my uncle had to.
He said, "I'll
sleep in the barn."
So my uncle went to the barn.
A minute later there's a knock,
and it's the cow and the pig.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were... ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here where We need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
No, I don't.
It doesn't matter. He
doesn't remember you either.
Anyway, he's
getting married again.
This is the fourth time.
The fourth time?
What about the
other three wives?
First one died from
eating poison mushrooms.
Second one died from
eating poison mushrooms.
What about the third one?
Fractured skull.
A fractured skull?
Mm-hm. She wouldn't
eat the poison mushrooms.
Welcome Back, Kotter has
been recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Okay, you got two
minutes to the bell.
But would you like to know
what would make me happy?
What?
Would you like to know what
would make me supremely happy?
Yeah.
Just once, if I can
go into that room
and see my entire class
sitting there before the bell rang.
Make another wish.
Look, Mr. Kotter, we've
still got two minutes
of private life
left, do you mind?
Just once. Just once,
that's all I'm asking.
She told me, Epstein.
She told me.
Who? What? Who told you what?
Susie.
You hit on her at the party.
Tried to make out with my chick.
Hey, I wouldn't go near her.
Face it, Ludlow,
the lady's a dog.
You're calling my Susie a dog?
Yeah, well, name me another
girl that barks and rolls over.
That does it, Epstein let's go.
Hey, take it easy,
man. Take it easy.
I'm, uh, trying to figure out
what your new face
is gonna look like.
Hey, my friend,
a word of warning:
Epstein was voted
most likely to take a life.
Oh, man. Shucks.
Yeah, I voted three times.
You coming, Cream Puff?
Ooh!
Horshack, my bandana, please.
Yes, sir.
I accept your challenge.
Fisticuffs, close range...
Hey, give him room.
Give him room. Give
him room. Let's go.
Hey, that way.
Have a good time.
We ought to find out
Ludlow's blood type
and start rounding up donations.
Okay, okay.
You people are
going the wrong way.
What's going on?
Hey, Dr. Epstein is
performing a nose transplant.
Ah, there ain't nothing like a
brisk morning workout, boys.
Where's Epstein, man?
All right, get into class.
But we gotta find Epstein.
I'll find Epstein. Go into cl...
Come on, Horshack,
get into class.
Where's Epstein?
He's back there on the floor.
Go to your class.
Epstein, are you okay?
Hey, look at me, man.
So you got a black eye, huh?
Hey, you didn't look
that terrific to begin with.
Come on, we're
gonna be late for class.
I ain't going to class, man.
I ain't never going to class.
Where you going then?
I don't know, uh...
into the religious life.
Brother Epstein, huh?
See the headlines: "Puerto
Rican Jew joins monastery...
becomes the first schlamonk."
Hey, so you got beat up?
Big deal.
I mean, I got beat
up plenty of times.
You think no one's
gonna understand?
Yeah, that's what I think.
Hey, Juan, those kids in there,
the Sweathogs,
they're your friends.
Ah, man, nobody
likes a loser, man.
Hey, you know
why you're leaving?
'Cause you don't
have the guts to stay.
Who says?
I say. Oh, yeah?
Well, who are you to say?
I am the ghost of Sweathog past.
Oh, man.
Hey, if I am wrong,
may a thousand Mr. Woodmans
move into my apartment building.
Come on, you go back
and you face your friends,
and then I'll take
you to the nurse.
You get that eye fixed up.
Epstein. Hey, man.
Are you okay?
Let's check it out,
man. Whooo! Wow.
See, huh? They're
still your friends.
Of course we're
still his friends.
We're sure... We're
sure his friends, man.
Man, we're Sweathogs.
Our hearts go out to losers.
Oh, hey, hey,
hey, hey, hey, hey.
Epstein is not a loser.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm only
talking about the fight.
Which he did lose.
Hey, but you're my main man.
You could be a big one,
and all that other stuff, man.
You know, like,
um... Like knitting...
and, um, like, um... ballet.
Look, Epstein,
you're still our friend,
and we respect
you for who you are.
A totally beaten man.
Okay, though, I am truly
grievously upset
with you, Epstein.
How can I expect
everybody to respect me
when my very meanest friend
turns out to be a cream puff?
Hey, you lied, man. No, man.
Now that ain't the toughest kid,
I'm nobody, man.
I'm nothing, man.
We were only kidding.
It's supposed to be...
Mrs. Epstein, do
you have any idea
where he might have gone?
Beside the zoo with
the rest of the animals.
Look, I'll tell you
what: If I locate him,
I'll let you know as
soon as I hear anything.
Okay.
You've been a great
help, Mrs. Epstein.
Thank you very much. Bye-bye.
It's incredible.
Absolutely incredible.
Her son's been
missing for three days.
And the only thing she says is:
"Hey, Murray, no
wonder there was
an extra sausage last night."
Honey, maybe that's
why being a tough guy
is so important to him.
Nobody ever shows him any love.
Yeah, well, before I
love him, I gotta find him.
If he only knew how much
everybody wanted him back.
Well, what should I do?
Stand on the steps of the
school and start singing:
♪ Won't you come
home Juan Epstein? ♪
♪ Won't you come home? ♪
♪ We moan a whole night long ♪
Come on, let's go.
♪ We'll do the cooking,
Juan We'll pay the rent ♪
Good morning, Mrs. Kotter.
Wherever you are.
Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.
♪ Remember that rainy evening ♪
Out. Goodbye.
♪ Oh, you had
nothing, we're fine... ♪
♪ I know I'm to blame,
Well, ain't that a shame ♪
♪ Juan Epstein Won't
you please come home... ♪
Hello?
♪ I really mean it... ♪
Epstein Central.
Epstein ain't here,
Barbarino speaking.
Well, if he ain't there,
try that store on the corner
with the big sign that
says, "We never close."
Oh, it's closed?
All right, then try the
Staten Island ferry.
No, stupid, it's a boat.
All right, the rest of you
guys take Manhattan,
the Bronx, and
Staten Island too.
♪ Hey, tell me what street ♪
♪ Compares with
my street In July ♪
Sit down. Sit down.
Hey, Barbarino,
what's going on in here?
This is a classroom,
not Allied command headquarters.
This is our all-out effort
to find our friend, Epstein.
You was right, Mr. Kotter.
It was sort of our fault,
his running away and all.
But we're gonna make up for it.
Everybody's out
looking everywhere.
You wanna help?
Here, be a blue pin.
Forget the blue pin.
There's a red
phone on that table.
What?
That. That's a red phone.
Where?
Right over there.
That?
That is a red
phone on the table.
Now, where did that
red phone come from?
Oh, we found it.
Lying around.
In Mr. Woodman's office.
Ohhh.
Horshack, it's good to see you.
What's the story
in Coney Island?
Twelve potato knishes.
Who told you that you
had to eat 12 knishes?
They did.
The knishes? They speak to you?
Yes. They said:
"Arnold.
Arnold.
Eat us.
We're fluffy.
We're delicious."
Oh, but they lied.
Arnold, you can't trust a knish.
I think you'd better sit
down, you're knished-out.
What is the meaning of all this?
Well, for class
today, Mr. Woodman,
they're conducting a
missing-persons bureau.
They're trying to locate
one Juan Epstein. Huh.
He might have joined the circus.
May have been an opening
for a half man, half beast.
My red phone.
What's it doing here?
What?
That's my red phone, Kotter.
Where?
Right there.
That?
That's my red phone.
Where did it come from?
They found it.
Lying around.
In your office.
Just a minute, Kotter.
Don't answer that.
No one under any circumstances
answers my red phone
except me, and give it to me.
Hello?
It's for you.
Hello.
Hi, Julie. What...?
What?
I'll be right there.
You gotta take over my class.
Just pretend you're in charge.
I gotta go home.
Epstein showed up.
Where? ALL: Where?
At my apartment.
Right now, he's
locked in my bathroom.
I gotta get there before
he drowns my rubber duck.
Juan, you've been in
there for over an hour.
You must be awfully
hot and thirsty by now.
How would you like
a nice cold soda?
Sure I would, but I'm a punk.
Punks don't deserve
nice cold sodas.
What do you got
that's warm and flat?
Hi, honey.
Hi. Is he still in
there? Uh-huh.
Juan, Mr. Kotter's here.
I'll be right back
with your flat soda.
Don't go anywhere.
Where would I go?
Epstein, it's me.
Where have you been?
Missing. Actually,
I'm still missing.
Epstein, you're not missing.
You're in my bathroom.
Right now, I wanna take a bath.
Why? It ain't Saturday.
Epstein, come outta there,
or I'm gonna break
this door down.
No, you won't.
That's what you're supposed
to say in situations like this.
You know what you're
also supposed to say?
What?
Now, see here, Leo.
Now, come out
with your hands up.
Oh, you dirty rat.
You'll never take
me alive, copper.
Ah.
Never, copper. Never, never.
That's not bad, Epstein.
You liked that? A little higher.
Higher? "You'll
never take me alive."
You'll never take me alive.
Put your thumbs in your pants.
Got it.
Okay, you know what
I'm gonna do now?
Ooh, you know what
I'm gonna do now?
I'm coming outta this bathroom.
I'm coming outta this bathroom.
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle dandy ♪
♪ I'm a Yankee Doodle boy ♪
Hey, no way.
Almost worked, sweetheart.
Juan, this is Julie.
I've got your flat soda for you.
Pour it under the door.
The only way you're gonna it
is to get your tail outta there.
Look, Mrs. Kotter's out there,
and I don't feel
like facing a woman.
Don't worry, Juan. I'll lock
myself in the bathroom.
Okay, look, you gotta promise
me one thing, Mr. Kotter.
I promise.
What did I promise?
That you don't look at me.
Okay.
I'll look at a lamp.
Well, Epstein, nice
to see you again.
You lost a little
weight, haven't you?
Hey, Mr. Kotter, the second
rule after don't look at me,
is don't make fun of me.
If you didn't want
me to look at you,
then why did you come here?
To say goodbye.
I'm running away
to join the circus.
Don't you know...
Don't look at me.
Look at the lamp.
Don't you know...
that the one thing you can't
run away from is yourself?
Because no matter where
you go, lamp, you go with you.
So, why don't you
go back to school?
I can't.
Epstein, could I
please look at you?
I can't get through
to this lamp.
Okay, but, like, kinda like
have no expression on your face.
Epstein.
Now tell me why
you can't go back?
'Cause I'm a punk.
My friends were right
when they said I'm a punk.
Uh, a child of the streets.
A fly speck on
the highway of life.
Hey, nobody cares about me, man.
Okay, then you tell
me why those kids
have been combing
the city looking for you?
They have not.
They have.
In their own way, of course.
Hey, they care about you, Juan.
We all care about you.
Then how come you didn't write?
Juan, you poor baby.
Don't look at me.
Look at the lamp.
You know what I see? What?
I see a sensitive,
bright, energetic kid,
that has a lot more
going for him than muscle.
You see that?
Where? Where is that guy?
Show me, where?
I'll show you where that guy is.
That guy is in here:
And that guy is in here:
Yeah, how about right here?
There's nothing in there, Juan.
It's empty.
Nothing.
However, you are going to meet
a tall dark stranger.
Honey, I'm through
looking at the lamp,
and now I'm
answering the window.
Hi.
I told you over and
over and over again,
don't come in
through the window.
There's a door over there.
You see, a door?
What do you think it's used for?
At least they're
making progress.
They knocked.
Epstein, how you doing?
You ready to come back and
wipe out Todd Ludlow, huh?
We figured you've
rested up enough
to get back a little
Sweathog honor.
Yeah, you could
hit him, and kick him
and knock him down
the stairs and step on him.
I don't know.
Epstein, what's
the matter with you?
Maybe Epstein has decided
that there's more to being a man
than winning or losing a fight.
That manliness is not measured
by the amount of
macho a guy's got.
Right you are, Mr. Kotter.
I get along without
any macho at all.
Yeah, I'm holding it
for him till he gets older.
Hey, look, a real
man's got to be tough.
No way, Freddie.
Are you saying just
'cause Ludlow took me out
that I'm less than a man?
I mean, how about what
I think and how I feel?
That's a lot of jive
words from Mr. Kotter.
No way. Hey, man, look.
He don't know nothing about
living in the streets
today, man. Nothing.
Freddie, what makes
you think that today
is any different than yesterday?
Where do you think
I got this nose from?
From a novelty store?
Horshack, this nose has
been all over the place.
One year, it was over here.
One year is in back here.
One year, I had to
hide it in my locker,
to make sure it was safe.
As long as we still
got to be living here,
there's gonna be times when
we got to resort to fighting.
You understand? No.
No, I don't understand.
You don't understand
that you have a choice.
You can use this:
And maybe you guys will stay
in this neighborhood
the rest of your lives.
Or you can use what's in
here, and what's in here,
and you got a shot
at getting outta here.
I mean, it's all up to you.
Let... Let me translate.
Everybody make a fist. Aw.
Come on, make a fist.
All right. Okay.
Now open it up.
You see, there's
nothing in there. Heh.
What?
Right here. There's
nothing there.
Where?
Why don't you call
your mother, Juan?
She's worried about you.
You know something, Mrs. Kotter?
What, Juan?
It's not much fun being missing.
I mean, like, you
walk around all day,
but you're not really
there, you know?
Hello?
Pedro.
Yeah, yeah, it's me.
Hey, do me a favor, put
Ma on the phone, will ya?
Hello, Ma?
Oh, Irving.
Yeah.
Hey, Irving,
c-could you get Ma to the phone?
Thanks. Hello, Ma?
Sanchez?
Uh, S-Sanchez, could
you get Ma on the phone?
Hello, Ma?
It's me, Juan.
Juan Epstein.
Number six.
Short guy, curly hair.
Antisocial.
Right.
Right.
Yeah, well, I'm at the Kotters'.
Yeah, I'm coming home.
Yeah. Okay.
Here.
Hello, Mrs. Epstein.
Yeah, he's fine, safe and sound.
Okay, I'm gonna send him home.
Okay, I will.
She says if you were planning
to come home for dinner,
that you should eat here.
Your sausage was
already committed.
Why don't you all come
back here for dinner?
Hey, that's a great
idea, Mrs. Kotter.
You know, Epstein,
you were right.
There is nothing there.
Hey, man, maybe you don't got to
beat up on a guy
to prove yourself.
That's right.
Use your head, and get
somebody else to do it for you.
We're all gonna
have supper together,
but we gotta go back
to school right now,
so come on, let's go.
We got a lot to learn.
All right. Okay.
See you later, Mrs. Kotter.
Bye-bye, Arnold. Bye.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
Did I tell you about
my Uncle Bernie
who never took a bath?
No. This is true.
I had an Uncle Bernie,
never took a bath.
Really? Yeah.
Now, one time he's gone
away to vacation, you know?
He's got two friends of his.
One's a guy from India,
and one's a guy from Israel.
Right? Mm-hm.
Their car breaks down. Mm-hm.
Knocks on a farmer's door, says:
"There's three of us here.
We have no place
to sleep for tonight.
Our car broke down."
The farmer says, "Well,
two of you can sleep here.
One has to sleep in the barn,
'cause we don't have any room."
Which one slept in the barn?
First the guy from India says,
"That is all right. I will sleep
in the barn, no problem."
He goes to sleep in the barn.
About a minute
later, there's a knock.
It's the guy from India.
He says, "So sorry, I
cannot sleep in there.
There's a cow in the barn,
and cow is a sacred animal.
Cannot sleep with a cow."
So, what happened then?
The guy from Israel says:
"Big deal, so I'll go
sleep in the barn."
He goes to the barn,
and about a minute
later there's a knock.
It's the guy from Israel.
He says, "I can't sleep.
There's a pig in the barn.
It's not kosher, and I
can't sleep with a pig."
So, what did your uncle do?
Well, my uncle had to.
He said, "I'll
sleep in the barn."
So my uncle went to the barn.
A minute later there's a knock,
and it's the cow and the pig.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams were... ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
were your Ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here where We need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪