Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 7 - Classroom Marriage - full transcript

Gabe, what are
you doing out here?

It's almost midnight.

Just listening to the wind

whistle through my shorts.

What's bothering you, honey?

There was something
going on all week

with those kids in my class.

I couldn't figure
out what it was.

Well, then how do you know
that something's going on?

They're not acting
like themselves.

They're acting like people.



They're talking
instead of yelling.

Epstein has showed
up three straight days.

And Barbarino hasn't tried to

take over the school all week.

Gabe, don't worry so much.

You're the best teacher I know.

I'm the only teacher you know.

I'm a failure.

The kids don't trust me.

They had a problem,

and they wouldn't
come to me with it.

Maybe I wasn't cut
out to be a teacher.

Maybe I should have gone
off with Jacques Cousteau.

Jacques Cousteau?



[FRENCH ACCENT] Our
ship was stuck in heavy ice.

It had been a very
difficult crossing.

Some of the crew of Calypso

had gotten friendly
with pelicans.

ANNOUNCER: Welcome
Back Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Nobody trusts me.

Nobody's ever trusted
me my whole life.

Even my father didn't trust me.

That's not true.

Then how come I had
to give him a receipt

for my allowance?

I trust you.

You're supposed
to. We're married.

Comes with the deal.

I know.

I remember the vows
we wrote for our wedding.

To love, honor and trust.

Right. And I remember
my father told you

to ask for a receipt.

I know. I still have it.

[PHONE RINGS]

[GROANS]

That's my father,

tell him the receipt
for my birthday present

is in the mail.

Hello.

Oh, ho... Yeah, hold on.

Honey, it's Boom Boom.

Boom Boom who?

How many Boom Booms do you know?

Freddie Boom Boom?

Hi, Freddie.

It's shaking fine. How's
it shaking with you?

Good.

Don't... No, hey, don't worry.

Look, you can trust me.

You can trust me. Okay, bye.

Freddie Washington
and Vernajean Williams

are coming right over here.

They got a problem
they wanna talk about.

Put on your robe. They
said they'll be right over.

[KNOCKING]

I wonder what took 'em so long.

Quick, shut the door.

I don't want nobody to see me.

[AS HUMPHREY BOGART] Barbarino,
are you dressed for the Late, Late Show?

It's midnight, sweetheart.

Did you bring the Falcon?

What?

Maltese falcon.

Where?

[NORMAL VOICE] Never mind.

Barbarino, what
are you doing here?

Mr. Kotter. I gotta talk to you.

But you gotta promise
not to tell anybody.

My lips are sealed.

It's about Freddie
and Vernajean.

They're quitting
school to get married.

What?

And they don't even have to.

You gotta do something.

[KNOCKING]

Right now I gotta
answer the door.

I don't want nobody to know
that I'm talking to a teacher.

You gotta hide me.
Quick, into the bathroom.

All right.

Quick. Shut the door.

I don't want anybody to see me.

Mr. Kotter, I gotta talk to you.

Uh, Julie, what do you know?

There's a Late, Late Show

has the double feature tonight.

Yeah, yeah.

Listen, Freddie and Vernajean,
they wanna get married.

And you gotta stop it.

[KNOCKING] I'll
hide in the bathroom.

KOTTER: Uh, you better not.

Uh, Vinnie's hiding
in the bathroom.

That's okay.

Close the door.

I don't want nobody
to see me here.

[IMITATING GROUCHO
MARX] I certainly don't blame you.

You look ridiculous.

Hey. Freddie and
Vernajean wanna get married.

[NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, really? Ha-ha.

Hear that, Julie? [LAUGHS]

And you want
Mr. Kotter to stop them?

No. Hey, look, I don't know.

I mean, like, it ought to
be up to them, you know?

Like, everybody's been
messing with their head.

You gotta get people
to leave them alone.

[KNOCKING] Hey.

I gotta answer the door.

I don't want nobody to see me.

I'm gonna hide. Oh, no, no, no.

You hide in the closet.

HORSHACK: Quick, shut the door.

I don't want nobody to see me.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Arnold, will you please
take off that head?

[MOANS]

It's hot in there, Mr. Kotter.

I don't know how them
gorillas can stand it.

Mr. Kotter, I gotta talk to you.

Don't tell me.

Vernajean Williams and
Freddie wanna get married.

And you want Mr. Kotter
to either stop them

or leave them alone.

That is truly amazing.

Do you do card tricks too?

Look. Arnold, I
can't stop a wedding.

I don't want you to
stop the wedding.

I think it's very romantic.

I want you to stop Vinnie
from stopping the wedding.

VINNIE: Hey!

You got somebody
in the bathroom?

The Ty-D-Bol man.

[KNOCKING]

I gotta hide me!

No, you... I'll... I'll...

Go on the fire escape,

pretend it's the
Empire State Building.

Right, right. Go ahead,
King Kong, okay?

Whoa!

That's Vernajean and
Washington. What are we gonna do?

I think we're gonna look
for a bigger apartment.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Hi.

How you doing?

Hey. Okay.

Maybe we came at a bad time.

No, we were just spending

[CHUCKLES] ...a
quiet evening at home.

Please, sit down.

Hey, look, thanks
for letting us fall by,

Mr. and Mrs. Kotter.

Yeah, we really appreciate this.

So...

Anything new?

Well...

Vernajean and me,
um, we getting married.

A-and don't try
to talk us out of it.

Can I ask you why
you're getting married?

Vernajean's family's
moving to Staten Island.

So? It's not like Staten
Island's on another planet.

I can see you ain't never
been to Staten Island.

Look, man...

Anyway, Vernajean's
daddy and me,

we don't exactly see eye to eye.

Yeah, we're not even
supposed to see each other.

Which is kind of hard,
sitting in the same classroom.

So, um... we getting married.

You know, marriage
is a very big step.

I mean, do you really
think that you're ready?

Yeah, we're ready. I mean...

We're in love, and... [GIGGLES]

I mean, that's enough.

I don't know if it is, Freddie.

I mean, I am speaking

as an experienced
married person.

And marriage is not
all a bowl of cherries.

Let me give you
an example, okay?

A wife buys a
shirt for a husband.

It's not an attractive shirt.

I mean, he feels like a fool

walking around
in that shirt, right?

But he wears it cause he
doesn't wanna hurt her feelings.

Gabe. You told me
you loved that shirt.

Julie, this is a
hypothetical situation.

I am not referring
to this shirt.

That is a $25 shirt.

Answer the question.

I hate the shirt.

What else have you lied about?

That's it. Nothing else.

Your tuna casserole.

You love my tuna casserole.

No. You love your
tuna casserole.

Nobody puts prunes
in a tuna casserole.

There is no person
in the civilized world...

VERNAJEAN:
Mr. Kotter. Mr. Kotter.

Mrs. Kotter. Heh.

We both know what
you all are doing.

You do? Mm-hm.

Yeah. You're
fighting in front of us

so we won't get married, right?

We are?

VERNAJEAN: Of course.

Well, any fool can see

that you all really
love each other.

And you're only play-acting.

Right.

ARNOLD & EPSTEIN: Right!

What was that?

Mice.

Well, anyway, we came over
to ask you to do us a favor.

If you could... give us our
wedding present in advance.

Yeah. Um... Could
you tell our parents?

Why don't I give you
a toaster instead?

You can write your
announcement on an English muffin.

Hey, look. No problem, baby.

We just won't tell our folks.

Conning a judge
ain't no big thing.

Sure, go ahead. Con a judge.

There's a lot of stupid
things you could do, Freddie.

You could run off to Maryland,

cause there's no
waiting period...

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait. But that's not...

Maryland. Hey, that's it, baby.

We can go off to
Maryland, lie about our age.

We ain't gotta wait
in Maryland. Ohh.

Hey! Thanks a lot, Mr. Kotter!

Thank you, man. Ha!

Hey, Mr. Kotter...

you are a super dude. [LAUGHS]

Hey, bye, Mr. Kotter.
Bye, Mrs. Kotter.

Bye-bye. Bye, mice.

Mrs. Kotter.

Bye.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Way to go, super dude.

You just talked them
right over two state lines.

Some big help you were.

Now they're getting
married for sure.

Look, I didn't tell them...

You're not our friend.

You're nothing but a teacher.

Why can't I be your
teacher and your friend?

It don't work that way, Kotter.

You see... in this
vast universe of ours,

people are divided
into two groups:

us and them.

You're them.

We gotta go. Come on.

Did you hear that, Bensonhurst?

My father was right.

I can't be trusted.

MAN: I trust you,
mac. Go to sleep.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

Good morning.

STUDENTS: Good
morning, Mr. Kotter.

All right.

Now, yesterday
we had a problem...

because nobody trusted anybody.

Well, that's the
way of the world.

Barbarino, trust
is a two-way street.

Do you trust us?

Epstein... Barbarino...

Washington and Horshack.

Come over here with me.

What's happening, man?

What for?

Shazam!

[ALL SHOUTING]

Mr. Kotter!

Whoa.

Hey. How'd you know
we was gonna catch you?

It's the point,
Barbarino. I trusted you.

I knew that you guys
weren't gonna let me

fall on my face.

Okay. Sit down.

That is very
impressive, Mr. Kotter.

Where did you learn to do that?

From the person I
trust most in the world.

From my wife.

You mean, every day you go home,

you and Mrs. Kotter
fall off the furniture

with each other?

[ALL LAUGHING]

This is an object
lesson, Epstein.

The trust between a
husband and a wife

is the strongest
kind of trust there is.

You know, we spend a
lot of time in this school

teaching you about math,
about English, about science.

But we don't teach you
about being married.

Something that eventually
most of you are gonna do.

So today I've decided
to have a class...

on how to be married.

Can't learn marriage in
the classroom, Mr. Kotter.

You gotta pick it
up on the streets.

Yeah.

Okay, well, I am
taking it off the streets

and putting it into the
classroom, all right?

I'm gonna act out
a whole marriage

in one homeroom period.

That's my kind of course.

Not much thinking
and plenty of action.

BARBARINO: All right.

Okay, now,
Vernajean and Freddie,

you're planning to
run off to Maryland

to tie the knot.

So, uh, you can play the leads.

Oh, all right. [CHUCKLES]
What you want us to do?

Just improvise.

You say whatever
comes into your head.

React to the moment.

Well, I ain't playing.

I ain't gonna contribute

to the delinquency of a minor.

Me neither.

I mean, you just gave
Vernajean the lead.

And even though you are
my dearest, dearest friend,

I do not play supporting roles.

Well, I'll play Mr. Kotter.

Don't you need
somebody to marry them?

Okay, Epstein. You marry them.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

What about me? What can I do?

Horshack.

I've decided you're
against this marriage.

I am?

Yes.

Okay.

[SINGING WAGNER'S
"BRIDAL CHORUS"]

♪ Da, da-da-da ♪

♪ Da, da, da, da Da-da-da... ♪

♪ Da, da, da ♪

Okay, Epstein, will you
please conduct the ceremony.

[EPSTEIN CLEARS THROAT]

[SINGING IN HEBREW]

Whoo! Whoo!

Hey man, that's
a pretty good tune.

But, um, what does that mean?

I don't know, but it's
on the charts in Israel.

Anybody got a wine glass on 'em?

GIRL: No.

I got a thermos. Will that help?

It'll do in a pinch.

Step on it.

Oh!

[SINGING TRADITIONAL
JEWISH TUNE]

[STUDENTS CLAPPING IN TIME]

[LAUGHS]

Hello, hello.

Uh, Mr. Fiddler, would you
mind coming off your roof?

EPSTEIN: Oh.

Finish your ceremony.
[CLEARS THROAT]

Now...

By the power invested
in me by Mr. Kotter,

I now pronounce
you man and wife.

Mazel tov.

Who you calling a mazel tax?

Freddie, he just
wished you good luck.

If he says anything bad,
I'll let you know, okay?

Aren't you forgetting something?

Oh.

Well, I was drinking
too much coffee anyway.

Okay, marriage is over.

Time for the honeymoon.

Oh. Kiss me, baby.
Come here, baby.

Mmm.

Honeymoon is over. Aw...

That's the honeymoon?

Well, this is a
10-minute marriage.

A five-second honeymoon.
Just about right.

Now it's time to have children.

Wait, wait. What?

Wait, wait, wait a minute.

We wasn't planning to
have no kids right away.

Well, you know...
accidents do happen.

I think I was a accident.

Okay. Arnold, you come up here.

You play Vernajean's and
Freddie's accident. Okay.

I'm sorry, Vinnie.

But a man's gotta do
what a man's gotta do.

He ain't exactly
what I had in mind.

Okay, now, the three
of you are at home

in your one-room apartment,

when all of a sudden...
you get a visit...

from an unexpected guest.

I play the unexpected guest.

VERNAJEAN: Okay.

Doll, I wonder who that is?

[MOANS]

It's Mr. Kotter playing
an unexpected guest.

[LAUGHS]

Who is it?

[IMITATING ITALIAN MOBSTER]
My name is Vito Cornfeld.

I am from the Strong
Arm Rental Agency.

[LAUGHS]

I am here to collect the
rent, because you people

have fallen 12 years behind.

Man, I thought
you paid the rent!

Don't worry, baby.

I'm gonna handle
the whole thing.

[SUAVELY] Hi, there.

Oh, hello.

[LAUGHS] You know, I've...

I've had a few business
setbacks, you know,

couple of bad
investments, and, um...

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHS]

How about a little
more of that, uh, time?

[LAUGHING]

I don't think you understand.

When they send
me to your door...

you're time is up.

[CRIES]

That's the ugliest baby

I ever saw in my life.

[WAILING]

Why don't you just go
ahead and pay the man?

He's upsetting my child.

Uh, don't bug me...
Don't bug me woman.

No rent is still too much
rent for this fleabag.

You tell him, Pop.

Don't you yell at him.

It ain't his fault you
can't support us.

Okay, then whose fault is it?

If we hadn't gotten married, I
wouldn't have to quit school.

Well, look, it ain't my
fault that I got pregnant.

I don't why we got
married in the first place.

'Cause I didn't want you

going off meeting
new guys, that's why.

And going off with those
Staten Island dudes, that's why.

[SIGHS]

Yeah, I don't
wanna play anymore.

Hey.

Freddie.

Man, I promise
to be true to you.

Don't you trust me?

I don't believe this.

I mean, I'm worried
about you guys trusting me.

You don't even trust each other.

[BELL RINGS]

I think I just became a orphan.

Little Orphan Arnold.

[LAUGHS]

Thanks a lot for the
opportunity, Mr. Kotter.

You know, I'm also available
for bris and bar mitzvahs.

Hey. Nice going.

The way you broke
up that marriage...

was very sneaky.

I like that in a person.

Thanks a lot, Vinnie. I
think you're sneaky too.

Freddie. Freddie, wait a second.

I mean, I don't
understand something.

Why didn't you tell Vernajean
the way you felt before?

Aw... Hey, I couldn't, man.

It's just not cool
to tell someone

you're afraid of losing them.

Hey... Freddie.

Man, you wouldn't lose me.

I wouldn't?

Mm-mm.

You mean, we don't
have to get married now?

Well... I'll take a rain check.

Come on.

Hey, thanks.

[CHEERS]

♪ Da, da, da Da, da, da ♪

The, uh, mind snaps
when you least expect,

doesn't it, Kotter?

I got through to
them, Mr. Woodman.

I got through to them.

Pure luck, Kotter. It'll
never happen again.

You can't discourage
me, Mr. Woodman.

Nothing you can say
will make me go off

with Jacques Cousteau.

I am invincible.
I am... teacher.

You are nuts.

Don't be fooled by a
momentary victory, Kotter.

The world is divided
into two parts:

us and them.

And they're them.

And come to think
of it... you're them too.

Yeah? Well, thank you.

[IMITATING GROUCHO MARX]
That's the nicest remark I've ever heard.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Did I ever tell you

that the Kotter family
has been in outer space?

No. But you will.

I am serious, Julie.
My uncle, Buzz Kotter.

[CHUCKLES]

He was an astronaut.

They sent him into outer
space with a monkey.

Very exciting.

I mean, five
minutes after takeoff,

a red light flashes on,

tell the monkey to
activate the rockets

and make sure there's
plenty of oxygen.

Well, what did Uncle Buzz do?

I'm getting to him. I'm
getting to him, okay?

An hour later, another
green light flashes,

tells the monkey to check
all temperature gauges.

Then about five minutes later,
Uncle Buzz's red light flashes.

And what did Uncle Buzz's
red light tell him to do?

Feed the monkey.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot
'Cause we got him on the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪