Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 6 - No More Mr. Nice Guy - full transcript
Mr. Woodman and Mr. Kotter reverse roles. Mr. Woodman starts being nice to the sweathogs, and Mr. Kotter starts getting mean to them.
Honey, why hasn't your
mother ever liked me?
She likes you, Julie, it's
just she never was crazy
about any girls I went out with.
They were either
too fat, too skinny,
too short, too tall,
too loud, too quiet.
I finally found a girl that
was exactly like my mother.
I mean, how could she complain?
This girl looked like my mother,
she talked like my mother,
she walked like my mother.
Same personality.
Well, what happened?
My father hated her.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome Back,
Kotter has been recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Here you are.
You. Hold it
right there, mister.
Me? What have you done with it?
Hey, Mr. Woodman,
I'm clean. I ain't got it.
Aha.
Got what, Epstein?
Whatever, he ain't got it.
Hey, look, I'm clean. Really,
you can search me. Here.
See, this is all I got on
me. It's my good luck charm.
Had it since birth.
It's the first tooth I
ever knocked out.
Look into my eyes. [LAUGHTER]
Hey, Mr. Kotter... You
stole my chalk, Epstein.
My yellow chalk.
And that's my favorite
of all my colors.
Yellow is my favorite.
Mr. Woodman, I am
really surprised at you.
Accusing Epstein
of being a thief.
Now, look at that face.
Don't defend him, Kotter.
I'm sick of their taunts.
I'm sick of their contempt.
I'm sick of their
flaunting my authority.
I'm sick of them.
No doubt about it, the
man is sick. Uh-huh.
Reminds me of the
girl's gym teacher
they found in the shower
talking to a volleyball.
[BELL RINGS]
Hey, yo, uh, Mr. Woodman, man,
like, you know,
the bell just rang.
It's time for us to boogie.
Well, then, boogie, you
pack of howling baboons.
Boogie.
A boogie, boogie, boogie...
Boogie till your
livers fall out.
Boogie.
Mr. Woodman, uh, are you okay?
You didn't have too much chipped
beef in the cafeteria, did you?
Forget about the chalk,
you don't seem quite yourself.
Kotter, I'm more
myself than ever.
Well, try being less
yourself than ever.
I mean, Mr. Woodman,
a person is like a car.
We have to be finely tuned.
What are trying to say, Kotter?
Mr. Woodman,
you need a lube job.
You gotta relax a little bit.
You know, forget about Buchanan.
Why don't you go
out, have a few drinks,
a nice dinner,
some quiet
conversation with friends?
Good advice, Kotter. Thank you.
What time?
What time what?
Well, that was a
dinner invitation.
What time shall I be there?
How 'bout August?
[DOOR BUZZING]
Okay, now remember,
years from now, we're
gonna look back on this,
and we won't laugh.
[MOUTHED DIALOGUE]
I bet you hoped I wouldn't
come. That's true, isn't it?
You didn't invite
me, I invited myself
and now that I'm here,
you wish I'd leave, right?
Well, it is getting late.
Mr. Woodman, we are
delighted that you could come.
Mrs. Kotter, don't worry.
I'll leave early.
Let me take your coat.
What are you gonna do with it?
I'm just gonna hang it
right here in the closet.
I'll leave the door open
so you can keep an eye on it
the whole time.
Gabe, why don't you
make us a drink or two
or six before dinner? Good idea.
Come on, Mr. Woodman,
I'll fix you a screwdriver.
Tighten up what's ever loose.
Well... in my entire career
I've been invited to
faculty members' homes
for dinner only, uh, twice.
The, uh, first time was
during World War II.
They wanted my
meat ration points.
The second time was,
uh, just a few years ago,
during the, uh, tuna-fish scare.
We had tuna casserole
and everyone waited
for me to taste it first.
What's for dinner?
Tuna casserole.
Just kidding, just kidding.
Here. I made a joke.
So, uh... You
actually... live here?
No. Here? No.
We have a townhouse
on Park Avenue.
We just borrow this place
from a struggling
teacher and his wife
when we wanna entertain.
I had a place like
this once. Oh?
It burned.
That's too bad, Mr. Woodman.
But at least it made it
easy for you to move.
Who moved?
I just stayed at the Y
till the furniture cooled.
That was a... A joke.
KOTTER: It was a joke.
BOTH: Oh!
Mr. Woodman made
a joke. Made a joke.
[LAUGHING]
You know, I'm
beginning to relax.
Uh, tell me, uh, Kotter,
what's troubling you?
Me?
You wanna know what's
troubling me, Mr. Woodman?
Okay. I'm gonna tell
you what's troubling me.
You. You're troubling me.
Oh. Uh, you think I made a
fool of myself today, don't you?
Well, it wasn't... Well, I...
I did, Kotter, I did.
And over what, huh?
Chalk.
Chalk, meaningless sticks
of compressed dust.
Dollar's worth of nothing.
Zero.
Null. Void!
I'm not very
well-liked, am I, Kotter?
Why don't we start
eating dinner now?
What could it be, Kotter? What?
What's the difference?
You're still getting dinner.
And I'll even taste it first.
The, uh... The
students like you.
You've... You've
got rapport, Kotter.
But what do they think of me?
Well, honestly... I-I
really wanna know, Kotter.
Well... Tell me,
go ahead, tell me.
Basically... I'll make
it easier for you.
I'll start. They think
I'm ill-tempered
and insensitive.
That's a good start.
Petty and tyrannical.
Hostile. Unreasonable.
Mean.
Rotten. Rotten?
Well, that tips it, Kotter.
I don't have to sit here
and be insulted by your wife.
Mr. Woodman,
please, I'm so sorry.
Please, don't go.
Well, it's, uh... [SIGHS]
You're right.
It's all true. I...
I am rotten.
No, no, you're not rotten.
I mean, I would've stopped
at petty and tyrannical.
All you have to do is
loosen up a little bit.
Just stop and smell the roses.
In Brooklyn?
Well, stop and
smell a few winos.
Look, you have to get
back to your first love,
teaching.
Now, you may have
your weaknesses.
But, Julie, this man
is one terrific history teacher.
You really think so,
huh? The greatest.
Nobody can teach
about military history
like this man right over here.
I guess there was always
something about a good war
that cheered me up.
It was probably seeing
all those people with guns
and knowing they're
not in your neighborhood.
[LAUGHS]
You know, Gabe's
right, Mr. Woodman.
You should get back to teaching.
Ridiculous. I wouldn't
know where to start.
I haven't taught a
class in 10 years.
Teach my class tomorrow.
Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't.
Come on. They're
not gonna bite you.
I have been bitten by Sweathogs
on many occasions.
I made another joke.
KOTTER: Another joke. Another.
First one your
apartment was burning
and the second was
bitten by Sweathogs.
Two jokes in one
evening. Come on. Cheers.
All right, I have a surprise
for everybody today.
Mr. Woodman has
agreed to teach my class.
[LAUGHTER] Him? Him?
[HORSE LAUGH]
Now, I'm going right
over here to sit down,
and I want everybody
to think of me today
as just another Sweathog.
Okay, Kotter. No horseplay.
Sit up straight.
I've still got it.
All right, boys and girls,
take out your, uh,
notebooks and pencils.
What's the matter with you?
You don't have to take notes?
You want me to take notes?
Okay, right, I'll take notes.
Horshack.
Horshack, lend me a pencil.
Sorry, no loansies.
Horshack.
Mr. Kotter, I am
surprised at you.
Don't you know that you're
supposed to come to class
with two sharpened pencils
in case one breaks?
You sound like my mother.
Mr. Kotter, there is
no need to get surly.
Well, you know, surly
to bed, surly to rise.
Uh, today, we'll, uh, discuss
the Revolutionary War.
Now, who can tell me
where that war started?
Mr. Washington?
Right.
What's the answer?
Lexington and... Right.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Lexington Avenue.
Probably here... Near...
Probably near 129th Street
by that barbecue, man.
It's a tough neighborhood.
A lot of wars
went on over there.
Wrong.
The answer is
Lexington and Concord.
Where the colonists
fired the shot
heard round the
world. [SMALL POP]
Now, the redcoats
came marching down the road,
not suspecting
that the colonists
were lying in wait for them.
Kotter, get up here
and lie in wait for me.
Did you want me to, uh,
lie in wait any place special?
Well, take cover
behind the hill.
Okay, I'm taking cover
behind the hill. All right.
Now, 1775.
The scene: Lexington and
Concord, Massachusetts.
And the redcoats came
marching down the road,
not suspecting
that the colonists
were lying in wait for them.
Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!
Can I be a prisoner?
[MOUTHING WORDS]
I don't know,
maybe... Maybe later.
Fire at will, Kotter.
Taxation without
representation, huh? Huh?
All right, take this.
You treasonous Yankee dog.
Argh! I surrender!
And so on June 16, 1775,
George Washington
agreed to take command
of the colonial army.
Beautiful.
Beautiful. Bravo.
Bravo. [BELL RINGS]
Mr. Woodman, I hate to admit it,
but that was
interesting, really.
Yeah, really. You know,
you look like the
guy on the money.
That was terrific, Mr. Woodman.
Mr. Kotter doesn't do that
many costume changes in class.
Well, I'm glad
you all enjoyed it.
Wait'll you see the fun
we have with World War II.
Oh, you're coming
back? Oh, that's great.
It was great. It
was really great.
Really, it was great. Great.
It was a pretty
good speech, man.
They love me, Kotter.
Mr. Kotter, Mr. Ko...
Mr. Kotter, why is he
wearing Miss Fishbeck's hair?
Mr. Woodman, you
gotta do something.
The Sweathogs just
locked Todd Ludlow
in a gym locker.
And I don't know how
long he can last in there
with Epstein's socks.
Do you hear her, Mr. Woodman?
They locked Todd
Ludlow in a locker.
I've still got it.
He's in a locker
with Epstein's socks.
They love me.
I can see the headlines:
"Vice principal wears wig
while socks smother student."
[♪♪♪]
♪ Welcome back ♪
WOODMAN: Good
morning. Good morning.
Good morning, children.
Good morning, Mr. Kotter.
Ah. Good morning, Mr. Woodman.
And a beautiful morning it is.
LAZARUS [OVER PA]:
Good morning, students.
This is Principal Lazarus.
I'm addressing whoever
has disconnected the bell.
You have this first
period to reconnect it.
No questions asked.
In the meantime,
get to your classes.
Ding dong. [LAUGHTER]
In the classroom, come on.
Oh, uh, Kotter?
I, uh... I wanna thank you
for letting me take your
class yesterday and, uh,
well, bless you, Kotter.
Mr. Woodman, don't you think
you should take me
out a few times first?
Ohh.
Uh...
When you're at that
wedding, remember,
the cha-cha is different
than the mambo.
It's one-two, one-two-three.
One-two... [HORSE LAUGH]
Epstein. Barbarino.
What? What? Come over here.
Come over here.
What is this?
Uh, we're on a junior
achievement project
for the telephone company.
You guys, uh, wouldn't
happen to know
who disconnected
the bell, would you?
It's probably the same guy
that stuck Todd Ludlow in
my gym locker, you know.
Part of the undesirable
element here at Buchanan.
Epstein, you are the president
of the undesirable
element here at Buchanan.
Now go and reconnect that bell.
Never judge by
appearances Kotter.
Appearances
deceive, they delude.
Now,
you must learn to
trust these children.
Trust is the very foundation
of good
student-teacher relations.
And remember, Kotter,
there are no bad
boys, just bad teachers.
Run along now, boys.
Thanks. Thanks, Mr. Woodman.
Class is over! [WHOOPING]
That wasn't the
bell. Get back inside.
Back inside.
President William Claiborne
who settled Maryland.
William Penn who
settled Pennsylvania.
Okay, can anybody tell
me who settled New Jersey?
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Is New Jersey settled?
Arnold, New
Jersey's been settled
for more than 250 years.
Ha! You never been to
Newark on a Saturday night.
[BOTH LAUGH]
ALL: Boogie, boogie, boogie.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hey, all right, come on.
I know you'd rather be,
uh, watching Mr. Woodman
crash the Boston Tea Party.
But some of us
are here to learn.
Who?
Okay, I'm gonna get some of
these names up on the board...
Excuse me, I gotta boogie
to my desk to get some chalk.
ALL: Boogie, boogie,
boogie, boogie, boogie.
[LAUGHTER]
Woodman's yellow chalk.
All of Woodman's
yellow chalk is in my desk.
Well, we had to
put it some place.
Yeah and it'd break
Uncle Woody's heart
if he thought that we took it.
So you want him
to think that I took it?
Sure, why not?
All right, I wanna
know who's responsible
for taking that chalk
and hiding it in my desk.
All right, it was my idea.
I took the chalk.
I opened the desk drawer.
And I stuck the chalk inside it.
And I... [IMITATES SCRAPING]
closed the drawer.
[LAUGHTER]
You guys really stick
together, don't you?
ALL: Mmm-hmm.
All right, by tomorrow morning,
from each and everyone of you,
I want a 500-word essay...
STUDENTS: Oh, man.
On how to be a human being.
You know, I don't
believe this, I really don't.
It's like The Exorcist
or something.
I think... I think Woodman
has taken over his body.
Hey, Woodman, you in there?
I'm in here by
myself, Barbarino.
What is it, really, Mr. Kotter?
Ever since we made
nice with Uncle Woody
you've been
crawling up our backs.
Hey, that's right,
man. What's with you?
Um, you... You jealous
or what? BOY: Ooh.
Me, jealous of, uh,
Father Flanagan?
All I know
is you've been turning
into a real louse.
Yes, that's true,
Mr. Kotter. Yeah.
All right, quiet!
That is it!
Let's get this
straight, all right?!
This is a school!
A school!
You're in a school!
And I am a schoolteacher.
That means I am the boss.
Do you understand that?
[STATIC OVER PA]
LAZARUS: I am still
waiting to get my bell back.
Ding dong.
Saved by the bell.
All right. All right.
Let's go. Come on.
Oh, man.
Sit down. No one
leaves until I say so.
Sit down. Kotter, I
wanna... You too.
Sit down, Uncle Woody.
All right, I am fed up.
You understand that?
I'm sick of all of you.
Of your contempt,
your arrogance,
your disrespect.
I know what you're trying to do.
Well, it's not gonna work!
Nobody is gonna make
me crazy, understand that?
Nobody's gonna make me crazy!
I think we made him crazy.
Kotter. Kotter, you gotta
relax. I mean, loosen up.
I'm not crazy.
Have a few drinks, nice dinner,
quiet conversation with friends.
That is, if you have any left
after that disgusting
performance.
You know, Kotter,
you're beginning to sound
a little like me be...
Before I became a...
A great guy.
Mr. Woodman...
how would you like to
go back to being you?
What for?
I mean, I'm happy being not me.
Yeah, but if you're not
you, then I can't be me.
And then I gotta be somebody,
so I become you.
How does it feel?
Terrible.
Look, I am a better teacher
than I am a disciplinarian.
But the school has gotta
have a disciplinarian.
I know being
Mr. Woodman is a rotten job,
but somebody's gotta do it.
What's that, Kotter?
What? That.
What? It's the
missing yellow chalk.
Freeze. Freeze. You...
You... You're all in it
together, weren't you?
And you too, Kotter.
I don't suppose that
you'd be interested
in quieting down
and conducting a calm,
rational investigation.
I am being totally calm.
I am dealing with Sweathogs.
And one approaches Sweathogs
only with total
iron-fisted authority
and that includes a Sweathog
disguised as a teacher.
STUDENTS: Ooh.
And now, Kotter,
I want every stick of that
chalk returned to my office
with a written explanation
of how it came to be
in your desk drawer.
And you will be
assisted in this task
by the members of your class.
Hey, man... And now,
you pack of howling baboons,
go to your next class.
Come on, boogie.
[♪♪♪]
Well, Kotter, I guess, uh...
I guess I am really good
at being Mr. Woodman, aren't I?
You certainly are.
You're the worst.
You know, I really missed him.
So did I.
Welcome back, Mr. Woodman.
Wipe that smile
off your face, Kotter.
Woodman's back in town.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
A guy walks into
a bar. What guy?
Whatever, a guy walks into
a bar, orders two martinis.
Right? You with me so far?
Yeah, somebody I don't
know is in a bar, and he orders.
Two martinis.
Drinks one martini,
pours the second one
in his breast pocket.
From his pocket, you hear:
[SLURPS]
Orders two more
martinis, drinks one,
second one over here, you hear:
[SLURPS]
The bartender looks
at this guy funny.
I should imagine.
This guy orders 10
martinis, drinks five,
the other five in
his breast pocket
and you keep hearing:
[SLURPS]
The bartender's getting mad.
He says, "All right, you, fella.
You're a weirdo.
Get outta here."
Guy looks at the
bartender, says:
[SLURRING] "I don't
have to leave this bar.
"I am a citizen,
and I pay taxes,
and I'm gonna punch
you right in the nose."
And from his breast
pocket a little mouse
appears over the top and goes,
"And that goes for
your stupid cat too."
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
mother ever liked me?
She likes you, Julie, it's
just she never was crazy
about any girls I went out with.
They were either
too fat, too skinny,
too short, too tall,
too loud, too quiet.
I finally found a girl that
was exactly like my mother.
I mean, how could she complain?
This girl looked like my mother,
she talked like my mother,
she walked like my mother.
Same personality.
Well, what happened?
My father hated her.
ANNOUNCER: Welcome Back,
Kotter has been recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Here you are.
You. Hold it
right there, mister.
Me? What have you done with it?
Hey, Mr. Woodman,
I'm clean. I ain't got it.
Aha.
Got what, Epstein?
Whatever, he ain't got it.
Hey, look, I'm clean. Really,
you can search me. Here.
See, this is all I got on
me. It's my good luck charm.
Had it since birth.
It's the first tooth I
ever knocked out.
Look into my eyes. [LAUGHTER]
Hey, Mr. Kotter... You
stole my chalk, Epstein.
My yellow chalk.
And that's my favorite
of all my colors.
Yellow is my favorite.
Mr. Woodman, I am
really surprised at you.
Accusing Epstein
of being a thief.
Now, look at that face.
Don't defend him, Kotter.
I'm sick of their taunts.
I'm sick of their contempt.
I'm sick of their
flaunting my authority.
I'm sick of them.
No doubt about it, the
man is sick. Uh-huh.
Reminds me of the
girl's gym teacher
they found in the shower
talking to a volleyball.
[BELL RINGS]
Hey, yo, uh, Mr. Woodman, man,
like, you know,
the bell just rang.
It's time for us to boogie.
Well, then, boogie, you
pack of howling baboons.
Boogie.
A boogie, boogie, boogie...
Boogie till your
livers fall out.
Boogie.
Mr. Woodman, uh, are you okay?
You didn't have too much chipped
beef in the cafeteria, did you?
Forget about the chalk,
you don't seem quite yourself.
Kotter, I'm more
myself than ever.
Well, try being less
yourself than ever.
I mean, Mr. Woodman,
a person is like a car.
We have to be finely tuned.
What are trying to say, Kotter?
Mr. Woodman,
you need a lube job.
You gotta relax a little bit.
You know, forget about Buchanan.
Why don't you go
out, have a few drinks,
a nice dinner,
some quiet
conversation with friends?
Good advice, Kotter. Thank you.
What time?
What time what?
Well, that was a
dinner invitation.
What time shall I be there?
How 'bout August?
[DOOR BUZZING]
Okay, now remember,
years from now, we're
gonna look back on this,
and we won't laugh.
[MOUTHED DIALOGUE]
I bet you hoped I wouldn't
come. That's true, isn't it?
You didn't invite
me, I invited myself
and now that I'm here,
you wish I'd leave, right?
Well, it is getting late.
Mr. Woodman, we are
delighted that you could come.
Mrs. Kotter, don't worry.
I'll leave early.
Let me take your coat.
What are you gonna do with it?
I'm just gonna hang it
right here in the closet.
I'll leave the door open
so you can keep an eye on it
the whole time.
Gabe, why don't you
make us a drink or two
or six before dinner? Good idea.
Come on, Mr. Woodman,
I'll fix you a screwdriver.
Tighten up what's ever loose.
Well... in my entire career
I've been invited to
faculty members' homes
for dinner only, uh, twice.
The, uh, first time was
during World War II.
They wanted my
meat ration points.
The second time was,
uh, just a few years ago,
during the, uh, tuna-fish scare.
We had tuna casserole
and everyone waited
for me to taste it first.
What's for dinner?
Tuna casserole.
Just kidding, just kidding.
Here. I made a joke.
So, uh... You
actually... live here?
No. Here? No.
We have a townhouse
on Park Avenue.
We just borrow this place
from a struggling
teacher and his wife
when we wanna entertain.
I had a place like
this once. Oh?
It burned.
That's too bad, Mr. Woodman.
But at least it made it
easy for you to move.
Who moved?
I just stayed at the Y
till the furniture cooled.
That was a... A joke.
KOTTER: It was a joke.
BOTH: Oh!
Mr. Woodman made
a joke. Made a joke.
[LAUGHING]
You know, I'm
beginning to relax.
Uh, tell me, uh, Kotter,
what's troubling you?
Me?
You wanna know what's
troubling me, Mr. Woodman?
Okay. I'm gonna tell
you what's troubling me.
You. You're troubling me.
Oh. Uh, you think I made a
fool of myself today, don't you?
Well, it wasn't... Well, I...
I did, Kotter, I did.
And over what, huh?
Chalk.
Chalk, meaningless sticks
of compressed dust.
Dollar's worth of nothing.
Zero.
Null. Void!
I'm not very
well-liked, am I, Kotter?
Why don't we start
eating dinner now?
What could it be, Kotter? What?
What's the difference?
You're still getting dinner.
And I'll even taste it first.
The, uh... The
students like you.
You've... You've
got rapport, Kotter.
But what do they think of me?
Well, honestly... I-I
really wanna know, Kotter.
Well... Tell me,
go ahead, tell me.
Basically... I'll make
it easier for you.
I'll start. They think
I'm ill-tempered
and insensitive.
That's a good start.
Petty and tyrannical.
Hostile. Unreasonable.
Mean.
Rotten. Rotten?
Well, that tips it, Kotter.
I don't have to sit here
and be insulted by your wife.
Mr. Woodman,
please, I'm so sorry.
Please, don't go.
Well, it's, uh... [SIGHS]
You're right.
It's all true. I...
I am rotten.
No, no, you're not rotten.
I mean, I would've stopped
at petty and tyrannical.
All you have to do is
loosen up a little bit.
Just stop and smell the roses.
In Brooklyn?
Well, stop and
smell a few winos.
Look, you have to get
back to your first love,
teaching.
Now, you may have
your weaknesses.
But, Julie, this man
is one terrific history teacher.
You really think so,
huh? The greatest.
Nobody can teach
about military history
like this man right over here.
I guess there was always
something about a good war
that cheered me up.
It was probably seeing
all those people with guns
and knowing they're
not in your neighborhood.
[LAUGHS]
You know, Gabe's
right, Mr. Woodman.
You should get back to teaching.
Ridiculous. I wouldn't
know where to start.
I haven't taught a
class in 10 years.
Teach my class tomorrow.
Oh, I couldn't. I couldn't.
Come on. They're
not gonna bite you.
I have been bitten by Sweathogs
on many occasions.
I made another joke.
KOTTER: Another joke. Another.
First one your
apartment was burning
and the second was
bitten by Sweathogs.
Two jokes in one
evening. Come on. Cheers.
All right, I have a surprise
for everybody today.
Mr. Woodman has
agreed to teach my class.
[LAUGHTER] Him? Him?
[HORSE LAUGH]
Now, I'm going right
over here to sit down,
and I want everybody
to think of me today
as just another Sweathog.
Okay, Kotter. No horseplay.
Sit up straight.
I've still got it.
All right, boys and girls,
take out your, uh,
notebooks and pencils.
What's the matter with you?
You don't have to take notes?
You want me to take notes?
Okay, right, I'll take notes.
Horshack.
Horshack, lend me a pencil.
Sorry, no loansies.
Horshack.
Mr. Kotter, I am
surprised at you.
Don't you know that you're
supposed to come to class
with two sharpened pencils
in case one breaks?
You sound like my mother.
Mr. Kotter, there is
no need to get surly.
Well, you know, surly
to bed, surly to rise.
Uh, today, we'll, uh, discuss
the Revolutionary War.
Now, who can tell me
where that war started?
Mr. Washington?
Right.
What's the answer?
Lexington and... Right.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Lexington Avenue.
Probably here... Near...
Probably near 129th Street
by that barbecue, man.
It's a tough neighborhood.
A lot of wars
went on over there.
Wrong.
The answer is
Lexington and Concord.
Where the colonists
fired the shot
heard round the
world. [SMALL POP]
Now, the redcoats
came marching down the road,
not suspecting
that the colonists
were lying in wait for them.
Kotter, get up here
and lie in wait for me.
Did you want me to, uh,
lie in wait any place special?
Well, take cover
behind the hill.
Okay, I'm taking cover
behind the hill. All right.
Now, 1775.
The scene: Lexington and
Concord, Massachusetts.
And the redcoats came
marching down the road,
not suspecting
that the colonists
were lying in wait for them.
Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!
Can I be a prisoner?
[MOUTHING WORDS]
I don't know,
maybe... Maybe later.
Fire at will, Kotter.
Taxation without
representation, huh? Huh?
All right, take this.
You treasonous Yankee dog.
Argh! I surrender!
And so on June 16, 1775,
George Washington
agreed to take command
of the colonial army.
Beautiful.
Beautiful. Bravo.
Bravo. [BELL RINGS]
Mr. Woodman, I hate to admit it,
but that was
interesting, really.
Yeah, really. You know,
you look like the
guy on the money.
That was terrific, Mr. Woodman.
Mr. Kotter doesn't do that
many costume changes in class.
Well, I'm glad
you all enjoyed it.
Wait'll you see the fun
we have with World War II.
Oh, you're coming
back? Oh, that's great.
It was great. It
was really great.
Really, it was great. Great.
It was a pretty
good speech, man.
They love me, Kotter.
Mr. Kotter, Mr. Ko...
Mr. Kotter, why is he
wearing Miss Fishbeck's hair?
Mr. Woodman, you
gotta do something.
The Sweathogs just
locked Todd Ludlow
in a gym locker.
And I don't know how
long he can last in there
with Epstein's socks.
Do you hear her, Mr. Woodman?
They locked Todd
Ludlow in a locker.
I've still got it.
He's in a locker
with Epstein's socks.
They love me.
I can see the headlines:
"Vice principal wears wig
while socks smother student."
[♪♪♪]
♪ Welcome back ♪
WOODMAN: Good
morning. Good morning.
Good morning, children.
Good morning, Mr. Kotter.
Ah. Good morning, Mr. Woodman.
And a beautiful morning it is.
LAZARUS [OVER PA]:
Good morning, students.
This is Principal Lazarus.
I'm addressing whoever
has disconnected the bell.
You have this first
period to reconnect it.
No questions asked.
In the meantime,
get to your classes.
Ding dong. [LAUGHTER]
In the classroom, come on.
Oh, uh, Kotter?
I, uh... I wanna thank you
for letting me take your
class yesterday and, uh,
well, bless you, Kotter.
Mr. Woodman, don't you think
you should take me
out a few times first?
Ohh.
Uh...
When you're at that
wedding, remember,
the cha-cha is different
than the mambo.
It's one-two, one-two-three.
One-two... [HORSE LAUGH]
Epstein. Barbarino.
What? What? Come over here.
Come over here.
What is this?
Uh, we're on a junior
achievement project
for the telephone company.
You guys, uh, wouldn't
happen to know
who disconnected
the bell, would you?
It's probably the same guy
that stuck Todd Ludlow in
my gym locker, you know.
Part of the undesirable
element here at Buchanan.
Epstein, you are the president
of the undesirable
element here at Buchanan.
Now go and reconnect that bell.
Never judge by
appearances Kotter.
Appearances
deceive, they delude.
Now,
you must learn to
trust these children.
Trust is the very foundation
of good
student-teacher relations.
And remember, Kotter,
there are no bad
boys, just bad teachers.
Run along now, boys.
Thanks. Thanks, Mr. Woodman.
Class is over! [WHOOPING]
That wasn't the
bell. Get back inside.
Back inside.
President William Claiborne
who settled Maryland.
William Penn who
settled Pennsylvania.
Okay, can anybody tell
me who settled New Jersey?
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Is New Jersey settled?
Arnold, New
Jersey's been settled
for more than 250 years.
Ha! You never been to
Newark on a Saturday night.
[BOTH LAUGH]
ALL: Boogie, boogie, boogie.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Hey, all right, come on.
I know you'd rather be,
uh, watching Mr. Woodman
crash the Boston Tea Party.
But some of us
are here to learn.
Who?
Okay, I'm gonna get some of
these names up on the board...
Excuse me, I gotta boogie
to my desk to get some chalk.
ALL: Boogie, boogie,
boogie, boogie, boogie.
[LAUGHTER]
Woodman's yellow chalk.
All of Woodman's
yellow chalk is in my desk.
Well, we had to
put it some place.
Yeah and it'd break
Uncle Woody's heart
if he thought that we took it.
So you want him
to think that I took it?
Sure, why not?
All right, I wanna
know who's responsible
for taking that chalk
and hiding it in my desk.
All right, it was my idea.
I took the chalk.
I opened the desk drawer.
And I stuck the chalk inside it.
And I... [IMITATES SCRAPING]
closed the drawer.
[LAUGHTER]
You guys really stick
together, don't you?
ALL: Mmm-hmm.
All right, by tomorrow morning,
from each and everyone of you,
I want a 500-word essay...
STUDENTS: Oh, man.
On how to be a human being.
You know, I don't
believe this, I really don't.
It's like The Exorcist
or something.
I think... I think Woodman
has taken over his body.
Hey, Woodman, you in there?
I'm in here by
myself, Barbarino.
What is it, really, Mr. Kotter?
Ever since we made
nice with Uncle Woody
you've been
crawling up our backs.
Hey, that's right,
man. What's with you?
Um, you... You jealous
or what? BOY: Ooh.
Me, jealous of, uh,
Father Flanagan?
All I know
is you've been turning
into a real louse.
Yes, that's true,
Mr. Kotter. Yeah.
All right, quiet!
That is it!
Let's get this
straight, all right?!
This is a school!
A school!
You're in a school!
And I am a schoolteacher.
That means I am the boss.
Do you understand that?
[STATIC OVER PA]
LAZARUS: I am still
waiting to get my bell back.
Ding dong.
Saved by the bell.
All right. All right.
Let's go. Come on.
Oh, man.
Sit down. No one
leaves until I say so.
Sit down. Kotter, I
wanna... You too.
Sit down, Uncle Woody.
All right, I am fed up.
You understand that?
I'm sick of all of you.
Of your contempt,
your arrogance,
your disrespect.
I know what you're trying to do.
Well, it's not gonna work!
Nobody is gonna make
me crazy, understand that?
Nobody's gonna make me crazy!
I think we made him crazy.
Kotter. Kotter, you gotta
relax. I mean, loosen up.
I'm not crazy.
Have a few drinks, nice dinner,
quiet conversation with friends.
That is, if you have any left
after that disgusting
performance.
You know, Kotter,
you're beginning to sound
a little like me be...
Before I became a...
A great guy.
Mr. Woodman...
how would you like to
go back to being you?
What for?
I mean, I'm happy being not me.
Yeah, but if you're not
you, then I can't be me.
And then I gotta be somebody,
so I become you.
How does it feel?
Terrible.
Look, I am a better teacher
than I am a disciplinarian.
But the school has gotta
have a disciplinarian.
I know being
Mr. Woodman is a rotten job,
but somebody's gotta do it.
What's that, Kotter?
What? That.
What? It's the
missing yellow chalk.
Freeze. Freeze. You...
You... You're all in it
together, weren't you?
And you too, Kotter.
I don't suppose that
you'd be interested
in quieting down
and conducting a calm,
rational investigation.
I am being totally calm.
I am dealing with Sweathogs.
And one approaches Sweathogs
only with total
iron-fisted authority
and that includes a Sweathog
disguised as a teacher.
STUDENTS: Ooh.
And now, Kotter,
I want every stick of that
chalk returned to my office
with a written explanation
of how it came to be
in your desk drawer.
And you will be
assisted in this task
by the members of your class.
Hey, man... And now,
you pack of howling baboons,
go to your next class.
Come on, boogie.
[♪♪♪]
Well, Kotter, I guess, uh...
I guess I am really good
at being Mr. Woodman, aren't I?
You certainly are.
You're the worst.
You know, I really missed him.
So did I.
Welcome back, Mr. Woodman.
Wipe that smile
off your face, Kotter.
Woodman's back in town.
[♪♪♪]
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
A guy walks into
a bar. What guy?
Whatever, a guy walks into
a bar, orders two martinis.
Right? You with me so far?
Yeah, somebody I don't
know is in a bar, and he orders.
Two martinis.
Drinks one martini,
pours the second one
in his breast pocket.
From his pocket, you hear:
[SLURPS]
Orders two more
martinis, drinks one,
second one over here, you hear:
[SLURPS]
The bartender looks
at this guy funny.
I should imagine.
This guy orders 10
martinis, drinks five,
the other five in
his breast pocket
and you keep hearing:
[SLURPS]
The bartender's getting mad.
He says, "All right, you, fella.
You're a weirdo.
Get outta here."
Guy looks at the
bartender, says:
[SLURRING] "I don't
have to leave this bar.
"I am a citizen,
and I pay taxes,
and I'm gonna punch
you right in the nose."
And from his breast
pocket a little mouse
appears over the top and goes,
"And that goes for
your stupid cat too."
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪