Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Election - full transcript

Vinnie runs for class president.

How's it going, honey?

Great. The kids are writing

little compositions
about their parents.

Did I tell you when I was young,
I always felt I was adopted?

No, really?

My parents never said anything.

So one day, I decided
to just go up and ask.

Good for you.

The day I graduated
from Buchanan,

I went right up to my father.

I had my diploma in my hand.



I looked him
straight in the eye.

I said, "Ling Chow."

I said, "Was I adopted?"

He said, "No, you not adopted.

You rented."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪



♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Vote for Vinnie.

Barbarino for president.
That's my man.

Barbarino for president.

Hey.

Hey.

Perhaps you didn't hear me, huh?

I said, "Barbarino
for president."

Now, I want you
to be wearing that

when I see you
sixth period, huh?

Oh, uh, Kotter?

Kotter, uh... I
don't believe this,

but I understand one
of your Sweathogs...

Uh, one of your remedial
academics is, uh...

Is running for student
body president.

It's okay, Mr. Woodman,
you can use the word.

Sweathog is a term of
affection and endearment.

Oh, well, since one of your
Sweathogs has decided to run,

I think you better have a copy
of the campaign regulations.

I suggest you have
your group memorize 'em.

They might chant
them every morning.

Hey, what's the big deal?

Vinnie's not the first
Sweathog who ever ran.

No, that's right.

Back in 1962, Jerry
Slater was disqualified

for stuffing the ballot box

with his opponent.

Look, don't worry about
Vinnie, Mr. Woodman.

You just make sure the other
candidates follow the rules.

Kotter, the other
candidates happen to be

Scott Phillips and Judy Borden.

Scott, as you know, is
captain of the debating team.

Judy is a straight-A student.

She started the Committee
For Students' Rights.

Oh, she started that?

Nobody's perfect, Kotter.

You're really an enlightened
educator, Mr. Woodman.

It's too bad you didn't
work at Boys Town.

You could've kept Mickey
Rooney after school for being short.

I never thought of Mickey
Rooney as being short.

Hi, Scott.

"Don't be a clot,
vote for Scott."

I didn't know you was
running for president, Scott.

Ain't you gonna vote for Vinnie?

Hey, what do you
think, Mr. Kotter?

I don't know. I haven't seen
that many teeth since Jaws.

Hey, Vinnie.

If you're president,
I'll be first lady.

Hey, now, wait a minute.
Don't get carried away.

Remember, a woman's
place is in the car.

I'm sorry I'm late, Mr. Kotter,

but a campaign manager's
work is never done.

I was busy beating up the vote.

Epstein, that's
getting out the vote.

Voters who are beat up
cannot get out to vote, right?

Yeah, that's what
I meant: Get out.

Okay. Now, the idea of the
principle behind an election

is to show you how
our system works.

Now, what would you all wanna do

if this was a real
presidential campaign?

Not get caught.

Hey, yo, Barbarino, dig, man.

Me as your presidential
press secretary.

Frederick "Scoop
Scoop" Washington.

Okay, come here, Washington.

Let's see what kind of
press secretary you'd make.

No comment.

I haven't asked
you a question yet.

Oh, I'm just practicing.
Go ahead. Ha-ha.

What is Barbarino's position
on student dress codes?

Well, I'll say this about that.

Mr. Barbarino has
been studying the matter

on student dress
codes very carefully.

And definitely believes the
students should be dressed.

What about student,
uh, vandalism?

Vandals should be dressed too.

Can you please
answer the question.

What question?

The question I just asked you.

What was that?

I don't know. I forgot.

It's okay, Mr. Kotter.

It happens to me all the time.

I raise my hand, and I
forget what I was gonna say.

Maybe you was gonna
aks to leave the room?

I'm the teacher, Arnold,

I don't have to "aks."

Yeah, right.

Okay, Barbarino...

But if you have
to leave the room,

it's okay with me anyway.

I'll try to remember
that, Arnold.

Okay. KOTTER:
Can I continue now?

Oh, go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, Barbarino,

you got yourself
a press secretary.

Now you need a cabinet.

What for, Mr. Kotter?
He's already got a locker.

Hey, Vinnie,

how about a nice,
soft cabinet job for me,

like, uh, secretary of
fear, something like that?

Why not, Epstein? You're
already my campaign manager,

my right-hand man.

Hey, what about me? Could
I be one of your fingers?

Sure, pick one.

Oh, wait, I'll make it
easier. I'll mix 'em up.

You see, Mr. Kotter,

when I'm elected, my
people get anything they want.

Even you. Maybe I can get
you promoted to a better class.

I appreciate the
thought, Vinnie.

But you're going
about this all wrong.

Look, if you want to win,
what you need is, uh...

You need a platform.

Oh, I... I already
got a platform.

I'm a law and order candidate.

I make the laws,
and... I keep the order.

This is an election. This
is not a military takeover.

You're going about
this all wrong. Come on.

"Vote for Vinnie, and
nobody gets hurt"?

A secretary of fear?

Look, why do you
guys think a Sweathog

has never been
elected president before?

'Cause nobody likes us.

No, because nobody has
ever shown the positive side

of being a Sweathog.

Now look who you're
running against:

Scott Phillips and Judy Borden.

Her? Judy Borden?

She's so fat.

She is so fat.

How fat is she?

She's so fat,

that last year she ran
for homecoming queen

and was elected the float.

Come on, Vinnie, what
about Scott Phillips, huh?

Most popular kid in
school, straight-A student.

You wanna beat a guy like
Scott, project something different.

Like what?

I don't know.
Remember, it's all image.

Watch me.

Hi, there.

My name is Vinnie Barbarino,
dynamic young man on the move.

And remember, on election day,

I want your support.

Vin is him.

Oh.

You see where I'm going, Vinnie?

Yeah, off the deep end.

Get out there, talk to people,
listen to their problems.

Hi, there.

I'm Vinnie Barbarino, dynamic
young man on the move.

And, uh, hi there to you.

I'm F. "Boom Boom" Washington,
dynamic ghetto-dweller,

standing still.

All right.

All right.

Okay, guys, let's get serious.

You gotta make people
who have never met you

wanna vote for you.

This is more than
just a school assembly.

Pretend it's a big presidential
campaign with the conventions...

You know, you've seen
a convention on TV.

Hey, sure, man. That's
when 8000 turkeys

put on funny hats,
sit on bridge chairs

and vote for the dude
with the most balloons.

Not quite, Washington. It's
really democracy in action.

This is how it goes.

Will the convention
please come to order?

All right. Oklahoma,
how do you vote?

Mr. Chairman,

Oklahoma, where corn grows
as high as an elephant's eye,

casts six votes for
Vinnie Barbarino.

Kansas, how do you vote?

Mr. Chairman, Kansas,
the home of Dorothy,

Toto and the Wizard of Oz,

cast five votes for
Vinnie Barbarino.

Oregon, the first state to
decriminalize marijuana,

how do you vote?

Mr. Chairman,

Oregon casts all its votes to...

Seven votes, man, for, uh...

Beautiful person really, uh...

Vinnie Barbarino.

Mr. Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie,

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Hey.

Can I borrow your coat, please?

My coat? Yeah, you can. Yeah.

Thank you.

Hi, there.

I'm Vin Barbarino.

And I'm running for the office
of student body president.

If elected, I promise
less homework.

Now, how are you gonna keep
a promise like less homework?

If I'm elected, I'm
gonna do less homework.

Okay. Sit down, Barbarino.

Oooh!

All right. Now, you
gotta say things

that the people
are gonna believe.

You gotta make it like you have
a vision for a better Buchanan.

Like you maybe
have a great dream.

Ohh.

I have great dreams sometimes.

Terrific, Horshack.

Barbarino, if we
wanna win, we gotta...

What is this "we" stuff?

I thought I was the
guy who was running?

You are, but if you wanna win,

you just gotta do
things the right way.

♪ Oh, Buchanan Oh, Buchanan ♪

♪ Do we love you? No ♪

I wanna talk to you.

Look, Vinnie, I'm
trying to help you.

When you do your speech
tomorrow, you gotta look good.

I got this great
turtleneck sweater.

It's got an alligator
on the pocket.

I don't want your image,
I don't want your sweater,

and I don't want your alligator.

Hey, Vinnie.

Look, I don't wanna
turn into somebody else.

I like me, and if me isn't
good enough to be president,

I don't wanna be president.

I withdraw. You run.

You're the one
with the alligator.

Hi, Mr. Kotter.

Hiya, Judy, Scott.
What's happening?

Mr. Kotter, you can tell
Barbarino and Epstein

that Judy and I are
withdrawing from the election.

So would you
mind tellin' Horshack

to stop callin' me up and
breathin' into the phone?

Running for student body
president of Buchanan:

Nobody.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

Hey, thanks for
coming in early, guys.

So this is the
faculty lounge, huh?

Sort of the way I
expected it to be, you know.

Dull.

Hey, what do you teachers
do here? Play show and tell?

No, for fun, Epstein,
we just sit around

and laugh at your test papers.

Hey, Vinnie, look at this.

Look at this here.
Instant bouillon cubes.

Instant soup. Instant broth.

None of this stuff is real.

Don't you know
about teachers? Huh?

We're not born. You
just add hot water and stir.

Barbarino?

Is he mad at me?

He ain't talkin'.

Come on, Vinnie.
Let's talk it out.

Hey, I know that look,
and he ain't talkin'.

If you wanna talk to
him, you talk to me.

Then I'll talk to
him, he'll talk to me,

then I'll talk to you.

Simple.

Vinnie.

Hello?

Hello.

Tell him because I blew it,

there's no reason
he should blow it too.

Vinnie.

He says you're blowin' it.

What did he say?

He said:

What does he mean by that?

Vinnie, what do
you mean by that?

I don't know.

When my grandmother
gets mad at me,

she talks that way. It's okay.

When his grandmother
gets mad at him,

she talks that way.

Tell him my grandmother has
a message for his grandmother.

His grandmother has a
message for your grandmother.

What is it? What is it?

What does that mean?
What does that mean?

Tell him it means that
because he's bugged at me

that's no reason to
cheat the Sweathogs

out of their first
possible victory.

You're cheating us, man.

Tell him I had faith in him.
I thought he was a leader.

So did I.

And tell him this is no time
to cop out on his friends.

That's rotten, Vinnie. Rotten.

You don't deserve to be
president, you know that.

That's it. I'm gonna run for
president. We don't need you.

You?!

Epstein, you're my best friend,

and even I'd have trouble
voting for a person like you.

You quit.

I only quit 'cause Mr. Kotter

was making me run
with a phony image.

You're right, Vinnie. Let
me tell you guys a story.

When I went to Buchanan,
I wanted to be president

more than anything in the world.

But nobody gave
me any inspiration.

They didn't believe a
Sweathog could do anything.

Vinnie, I just didn't
follow through.

But you gotta follow
through. Come on.

No, wait... Wait a
second, Epstein.

Wait a minute.

What you're trying to say

is that I ought to run
as Vinnie Barbarino,

all-Sweathog and
proud of it, right?

That's right.

Which reminds me, Epstein. Hmm?

For some strange reason

Scott Phillips and Judy Borden

have decided to
withdraw from the race.

Imagine that.

I didn't tell anybody
he couldn't run.

I just told Scott
if he got elected,

he'd lose use of his face.

I didn't think he was
gonna take me seriously.

Well, you know, people
are funny that way.

They get annoyed when
you threaten their faces.

You mean... You mean
I'm already president?

Well, that depends. On what?

On whether you're willing to win

by scaring people
out of an election.

You want that kind of a
hollow, unsatisfying victory?

Hey, man, do you really
wanna win that way?

Yeah.

If they wanna quit,
that's their decision.

The only thing is, I think
maybe you helped them decide.

No, I wasn't gonna
follow through, really.

I... That's just my way.

Hey, you're not the only
one with a story, Kotter.

This is the naked city, baby.

There's eight million stories
out there, and I got one too.

You think it's easy being
a Puerto Rican Jew, huh?

You think it's easy
growing up in a house

with nine other
Puerto Rican Jews?

Half my brothers
were out stealing pants,

the other half
were altering 'em.

I mean, like, I had
to threaten people

just to get into the bathroom.

Who do you think
you're talking to, Epstein?

When I was a kid, we
didn't have a bathroom.

We had to use a Texaco
station across the street.

It wasn't bad if
you made the light.

Get the point, Epstein.

You're not the
only one that's poor.

It doesn't give you the right to
go around threatening people.

All right, all right. So, what
are we supposed to do now?

I've invited Scott and
Judy here for a little talk.

You're butting in again, man.

No, I'm leaving. It's up to you.

Whatever you decide
is okay with me.

I just did guarantee
them a little

what you'd call, uh,
diplomatic immunity.

What does that mean?

It means their dental patterns

are gonna remain unchanged.

All right, all right.
So we'll talk to 'em.

Okay.

I'll see you guys later.

Right.

And, uh, I'll see Scott
and Judy later too, huh?

What do you think?

I think maybe he's right.

Um, it's kinda like
goin' to fight a guy,

and then when you get
there, he's already beat up.

Hi.

He's coming. Hey, hey, hey.

He's coming. He's coming.

Put it there. All right.

Don't you think we can
hold off on the victory party

till we find out who
won the election?

What are you talking
about, Mr. Kotter?

Vinnie's got it locked up.

Mr. Kotter, you were so right.

I mean, without Scott running,

it would've been
a hollow victory.

I feel...

I feel like this is
just the beginning.

Today, Buchanan,
tomorrow, who knows?

All right.

Go get 'em.

Governor Barbarino.

Senator Barbarino.

Emperor Barbarino.

You know, Julius
Caesar was an Italian.

All right, your majesty, if
you'll get on your chariot,

and go back to your chair, we'll
have time to take attendance.

Barbarino is here.
Cavanaugh is here.

Ooh, ooh. Straight time.

Good morning, Mr. Kotter.

Mr. Woodman.

Morning, students.

Well.

This is the moment
we've all been waiting for.

Gee, I'm sorry to hear
you're leaving, Mr. Woodman.

I, uh, am referring
to the results

of the student
election, Mr. Kotter.

Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie, Vinnie.

Who is that boy?

That's Arnold Horshack.

Strange.

I have a couple announcements.

The Pledge of Allegiance
is canceled today.

I would appreciate very much

the return of the flag.

And now the election results.

All right.

I am very happy to announce

that the new student
body president...

of Buchanan is Scott Phillips.

And for all of you
who worked so hard

and fought so
dirty and didn't win,

no trouble.

The results, Mr. Kotter.

Have a good day, children.

Hey, man, hey.
That ain't no big thing.

Hey, Vinnie.

I'm gonna get 'em for
what they did, Vinnie.

I'm gonna get 'em for
what they did, Vinnie.

You did the best that you
could. Hey, come here.

Look at these results.

Judy Borden, 11 votes, huh?

Vinnie Barbarino, 47 votes.

Scott Phillips, 322.

You really know how to
cheer a guy up, don't you?

Hey, that means that 39
Sweathogs voted for you.

You got through to them. I did?

Right. There was something
in you that they responded to.

Maybe it was my personality.

Maybe it was.

Maybe if I run next
year, I could pick up

a couple of 10, 20
votes, you know.

Who knows, if I stay in
school long enough...?

I wonder if the president
of the United States

has to be a high
school graduate?

I lost.

How could you lose?
You weren't even running.

Well, how come
I feel like I lost?

'Cause you were
butting in again, Kotter.

And now, from the
great state of yesterday,

memory nominates
the oldest Sweathog:

Gabe Kotter.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

What do you call that stuff?

You heard of chicken cacciatore?

Well, this is an
old family delicacy.

It's called chicken catatory.

You just made that up.

Would I do a thing like that?

Yeah. You're right.

This was handed down
from generation to generation.

Really? How far back?

Well, it goes all the way back

to my great ancestor
Caveman Zor Kotter,

who incidentally
invented the chicken.

Really?

Then he invented garbage.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Welcome Back, Kotter
was recorded live on tape

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪