Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 4 - Whodunit? - full transcript

Rosalie fakes shes pregnant in order to make the sweathogs confess she did not fool around with them.

Honey, why don't we get a pet?

You know we're not allowed
to have pets in this apartment.

No, I don't mean a dog or a cat.

Why don't we get a bird?

Did I ever tell you about the
parrot my Aunt Eileen got?

No.

The only thing the parrot
could say was, "Who is it?"

So she brought the parrot home,

and she went out to
get some parrot food.

While she was gone, the
butcher comes to her door.

Knocks on her door.



Parrot hears the
knocking, says, "Who is it?"

Butcher says,
"It's the butcher!"

The parrot says, "Who is it?"

The butcher says,
"It's the but..."

This is a true story.

Says, "The butcher,
the butcher!"

The butcher has a heart attack,

falls down right
in front of the door.

My aunt comes home,
sees the butcher there,

she says, "My God. Who is it?"

Parrot says, "It's the butcher!"

Welcome Back, Kotter
has been recorded

live on tape before
a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪



♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

No way. No way, no way.

Far out. I win. No way.

I win. No way.

Hey! Here's my man.

My man, how'd your big
date go Saturday night?

Big date, man?
You're jiving, man.

Who... Who would
go out with him?

Vinnie fixed it up.

That's right.

Due to my stupefying talent

with females of
the opposite sex...

I managed to fix up
a date with the one,

the only... Rosalie Totsy.

- No. You mean...
- "Hotsy" Totsy.

All right.

Yeah, yeah, Horshack. Yeah.

I remember the
time I took Hotsy out,

we were in the movies.

Me and Hotsy at the
beach. Right there I...

Hey. Wait. Wait a minute.

Let the man speak.

Go ahead. Tell us
all about you and...

Hotsy.

Oh, okay.

I borrowed my old man's
cab and went to pick her up.

Yeah, well, get to the good
part. Did anything happen?

Oh, right away. I forgot
to turn the taxi sign off,

and we had to bring
six people to the airport.

Arnold? Hm?

Arnold, uh... I want to

thank you for last Saturday.

I had a really nice time. Ooh.

Hey, hot stuff.

Come on, baby, shake
that cake. Go ahead.

If you guys don't knock it
off, you're gonna be sorry.

Hey, look, Hotsy, I
wanted to thank you

for being so nice to
my friend Arnold here.

Oh, you big dumb...

You're gonna be sorry.

Rosie, come on. We're
gonna be late for class.

Rosie, you okay?

Is something wrong?

Rosie, you wanna
go to the nurse?

Why don't you tell me
what it is? I can help.

Does it have anything
to do with schoolwork?

That figures.

A boy? Are you crying
over a boy? Uh-huh.

Okay, good. Now we're
getting somewhere.

Is the boy from
class? Boy from class?

Rosalie, I'm gonna
go for the whole thing.

Give me a hint.

It's one word?

Two syllables in the word.

First syllable.

Something you eat?

You eat your hair?

You eat your ear?

Sounds like your hair.

Something that sounds
like your hair. You eat it.

It's... It's, um...
It's a, uh, uh, pear.

A pear. A pear, okay.

That's it, the first.
Second syllable.

Second syllable is
hand. It's crawling.

A crawling hand. A thing
that's crawling on the ground.

A bug. A bug.

A s... A-a small bug.
Uh... Um. An ant.

Pair of ants.

Uh, parents?

I got it! You and
a boy from class

are gonna be parents, right?

Parents?

Rosalie, let me
get this straight.

You're gonna have a baby...

and the father is one
of the Sweathogs?

Yeah.

Rosalie. So, uh, you gonna be,

um, um, um, um, um... Mommy.

Who's, uh... Who's,
uh, gonna be the daddy?

He knows who he is, and
he can step forward himself.

I'm sure he'll step forward.

Heh.

Why do I get involved
with these kids?

Why even talk to them?

I might as well be
talking to a stone wall.

I am talking to a stone wall.

Okay.

Here's a shot. Here's a
shot. Here's a shot. Here...

Now watch this. Watch this.

You're late.

That's your fourth
tardy this semester.

Did you bring a note
from your mommy?

Boy, what an honor.

In my class. All
four Marx Brothers.

Wacko, Stupo, Jerko and Dumb-o.

Now, you clowns,
come on, sit down.

We save the laughs for later.

I have something very serious

that I would like
to discuss today.

I would like to talk
about... responsibility.

About you being

accountable for
your own actions.

I'd like to talk about...

Now, Washington,

I know that you're only
pretending to be asleep.

Oh, no, I'm not,
man. I-I'm sleeping.

I can just tell it's gonna be

another one of your
boring speeches.

Open your eyes, Washington...

or I'm gonna clap out
the erasers on your head.

♪ Rise and shine ♪

All right, forget serious.

I'm gonna talk about hoods.

All right. Yeah!

Okay. As we all know,

there are many
different kinds of hoods.

There is childhood...

brotherhood,
sisterhood, Robin Hood.

Fatherhood!

I got another great idea.

We're gonna play a game.

All right.

Okay, now a simple
game. I'm gonna say a word.

Then I'm gonna point
to somebody in the class,

and you say the first word
that comes to your head.

Right? Simple.

Baby.

Darling.

Sweetheart.

Honey.

We gotta stop meeting like this.

New word, new word, new word.

Pregnant.

Uh, Camp Feldman.

Camp Feldman?

Yeah, it's where my
sister went last summer.

I wanna see all
the boys after class.

All the boys.

We've got practice, man.

We didn't do nothing.

I'm glad you did
that, Mr. Kotter,

'cause I have something to
say about responsibility too.

Go ahead. Go ahead.

I'm pregnant.

Rosalie. I didn't know

you went to Camp Feldman?

And one of you
guys is responsible.

Well, I really would like
to go on chatting all day,

fellas, but I must
catch a train.

See you.

I'll see you in
church, Mr. Kotter.

Uh... Rosalie?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Arnold. Shoot.

Rosalie... are you
busy on Saturday?

Why?

You wanna get married?

What would I wanna do that for?

'Cause... I like you...

and I wanna make you honest.

And I wanna give
your baby a name.

You know, Horshack's a
very old and respected name.

It means, "The
cattle are dying."

The cattle are dying?

That's really sweet
of you, Arnold,

but... I wanna marry
the father of my baby.

Oh, yeah.

Well, you think about it.

At least if you married me,

you wouldn't be
"Hotsy" Totsy no more.

I'd be "Hotsy" Horshack?

Rosalie, uh...

can you meet me here
after your last class.

I'd like you to come
home with me tonight.

Sure.

And, uh... you can
call me Hotsy. See you.

The cattle are dying?

I don't know where Julie is.

She's supposed
to be home by now.

I mean, she should
be here any minute.

Oh, relax.

Be a guest.

This is my apartment.

I figured.

That's my window.

Well, uh, why don't you sit
down here on your couch?

That's my table.

That's the, uh, carpet
on the floor there.

Look...

Mr. Kotter, you don't
have to feel uncomfortable.

I understand what
you're trying to do.

I know how hard
it is for... a person

of the older generation
to cope with sex.

And I really wanna thank you.

Hi.

Hi!

Julie, uh, you've heard me

speak of Rosalie Totsy?

Heh. Sure. Nice
to meet you Hotsy.

Julie, um...

can we have a little
word alone, okay?

Alone? In this apartment?

Rosalie, why don't you
listen to some music, huh?

Here. You're
cleared for takeoff.

Julie, I'm glad you came in
when you did because just...

Oh, the lipstick.

Yeah.

That was really funny,
just as you walked in...

Hysterical. s

Well, it was like a
gratitude type of kiss.

Uh, it was... She was, uh...

Basically what she
was doing was, um...

thanking me because
she's gonna have a baby.

Oh?

Yeah, well, um...

you see, uh... She won't, uh...

Julie, you don't believe that...

Oh. No. But you
just keep on talking.

Julie, Rosalie's
gonna have a baby,

and the father's one
of the boys in my class.

And she won't tell me who
it is. So I brought her here

so you can do me
a favor and find out.

Come on, Julie,
you gotta help me.

I don't know what else to do.

Why don't you
talk to her parents?

Because she trusts me not to.

She says her
parents will kill her.

Especially her father.
Reverend Totsy.

Julie. Let us
reminisce for a while.

Return with me now to

those thrilling
days of yesteryear...

Last yesteryear,
my last birthday

when you didn't have money
to buy me a present. Oh.

So, what did you do? Well...

instead... you gave me this.

"This card entitles the
bearer to one giant favor." Heh.

"Happy Birthday. Love, Julie."

Aren't I cute?

Well, I guess I'll just
leave you two alone to talk.

I'll, uh, take out the garbage.

I already took out the garbage.

I'll make new garbage.

Rosalie, I'll be
back in a minute!

I'm gonna take out the garbage!

So...

This is our apartment.

That's our window.

Uh, I've already been
through this with your husband.

I've seen it all, Mrs. Kotter.

Look, Rosalie, my husband
told me about your problem.

In this day and age,

how did you ever get
yourself in such a mess?

Uh, what I mean is...

haven't you ever heard
of family planning?

You can't plan a
family in a '57 Chevy.

Rosalie, just... how
pregnant are you?

I'm... I'm pretty pregnant.

No. I'm looking for a number.

Two months, three, four? Four.

Really? You don't look it.

Okay, two.

Aren't you sure?

What about three?

You know, I was never very
good at math, Mrs. Kotter.

I, uh...

I just want to get married
and have my baby.

And, uh... And I want the father

to step forward
because he loves me

not because... Not because
someone forced him into it.

Hi. How we doing?

Got to know each other yet?

Hey. You need some more
time? I'll make some more garbage.

Wow. He's just as freaky
at home as he is in school.

She didn't learn
nothing neither. Bye.

I wanna know, and
I wanna know now.

Have you ever
dated Rosalie Totsy?

What was the question?

You heard the question.
What's the answer?

Hey, Vinnie, tell him
about Lo's Oriental.

How The Ten Commandments
was on the screen,

and you and Hotsy
was in the balcony

breaking nine of 'em.

All right. What about the
balcony at Lo's Oriental?

So maybe I exaggerated a little.

Turkey.

One of you is responsible.

You ain't gonna
pin this rap on me.

I know my rights.

This isn't a courtroom, Epstein.

It is a classroom.

And you don't have any rights.

I wanna know, and
I wanna know now.

Have you ever
dated Rosalie Totsy?

I can't hear you.

Yeah, yeah. I went
out with Rosalie.

But nothing ever
happened. Nothing.

Hey, it was the
first time in my life

that nothing ever happened.

Hey, man, what about
the time you told me

you was at the
Coney Island beach?

You said you and Hotsy
made an imprint in the sand

that the lifeguards
are still talking about.

What about you, uh, Mr. Laughs?

I believe... I'm
allowed one phone call.

Just tell me about
you and Rosalie.

There ain't
nothing to tell, man.

I ain't never even
dated that chick.

Then why did you say you did?

Why not?

I am deeply disappointed.

You can't even trust a
guy named Washington

to tell you the truth.

So I guess that settles it, huh?

Congratulations,
Horshack. You're the father.

All right.

Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

You only went out with
that chick last weekend.

And I thought I
was a fast worker.

I'd like to thank everybody

who voted for me.

But I think you ought to know,

Rosalie says I didn't do it.

So nobody did it.

I think we should put
a candle in the window,

because the last
time this happened,

three wise men
came from the east.

Okay, that's it.

Somebody in here is lying.

Now, I am gonna find out who,

and I'm gonna
find out... right now.

Thanks for dropping in.

Okay, Rosalie, you stay here.

The rest of you girls
back to the library.

Well, how are we
gonna learn anything?

Listen, I don't
mind if they stay.

I've got nothing to hide.

All the boys get up
and get against the wall.

Man. We didn't do anything.

Get against the wall!

Oh, man. Oh, please.

Rosalie...

I insist that you
identify the father...

and I insist that
you do it right now.

Bet they all denied it.

Boy. Did they deny it.

You're still denying it?

Yeah.

Well, uh... they all said
nothing ever happened,

then... I guess
I'm not pregnant.

What? Huh?

Hey. Can she do that?

Not pregnant?

You're not pregnant.

Rosalie, why did you
tell me that you were?

Mr. Kotter, do you have
any idea what it's like

going through life
as... "Hotsy" Totsy?

Being treated like you're
easy when you ain't.

Even you believed them.

So, uh... that's when
I decided getting even

would be the best revenge.

Now I got all these
clowns on record.

It's official. I ain't easy.

I'm a lady.

Arnold? Arnold? Huh?

Uh, I-I-I wanna

thank you for being so valiant

while I was pregnant.

You're a true gentleman.

And, uh, if you're still
free for Saturday, so am I.

We can go to the
airport. Alone this time.

Who knows?

Rosalie...

I still don't understand
one thing. Why?

Just tell me why. Why
did you involve me in this?

Aw, that's easy, Mr. Kotter.

Because you're always butting
in where you don't belong.

But thank you.

Ah, yes.

Used by a woman once again.

And then just cast aside.

Oh, Kotter.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
were Your ticket out ♪

Gabe, I've been thinking.

Maybe you're not too
young to be a father.

Julie, we talked about this
before we were married.

We both decided that
we should wait for a while.

It's been a while.

No, it hasn't.

It's not gonna be a while, uh...

for a while.

Go to sleep.

Gabe, don't you want a family?

I have a family.

You're my family. And I
just wanna keep it that way.

For a while.

I love you.

I love you, honey.

Good. Tomorrow call up my mother

and explain to her
why you're not pregnant.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪