Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 22 - Father Vinnie - full transcript

Vinnie's 87 year old grandmother is in the hospital possibly on her death bed. When his grandmother dies he decides he must honor her death bed request of him and become a priest. He now walks the hallways of Buchanan telling everyone he loves them and organizing prayer meetings. But what is he to do when faced with an after school date with Bambi? Kotter and the rest of the guys must convince Vinnie that he just isn't cut out to be a priest.

Julie. What?

Did I ever tell you
about my Uncle Jerry

and my Aunt Jewel?

Uncle Jerry and Aunt
Jewel, isn't that cute?

See, they were
married for 40 years.

And they decided to go
on a second honeymoon.

And Uncle Jerry said,

"Let's go back to the place
we had our first honeymoon.

Wouldn't that be romantic?"

So they go back to the
same hotel they went to

on their first honeymoon
40 years before,



and they take the same
room. Isn't that great?

Adorable.

And when they get into
the room Aunt Jewel says,

"Yeah, you remember what you
did 40 years ago, the first thing?

"Gave me a little
kiss on the forehead,

go ahead do it again."

So he kisses her
on the forehead.

Then she said,
"Yeah, you remember

the second thing you did?

You held my hand. Do it again."

So he holds her
hand. Then she said,

"Yeah, you remember
that third thing you did?

Yeah, you gave me a little
bite on the neck. Do it again."

He said, "Wait a
second, I'll get my teeth."



Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

And so, with the
fall of Czar Nicholas

and the rise of the
socialist proletariat.

The Russian revolution
had come to a close.

The end.

Oh, a truly inspiring
lesson, Mr. Kotter.

Where did you
learn all that stuff?

Simple Arnold,

I saw Doctor Zhivago four times.

That's so funny.

I'm sorry I'm late.

Vinnie, that's the bell. You
just crossed over the line

from late to absent.

It's lunchtime, hey. I hope
you got a good excuse.

Hey, Vinnie.

Hey, Vinnie, come
on. Don't worry about it.

I can say a note
for any occasion.

You see, I got me this
new gimmick, Vinnie.

All my notes are in verse.

Hey, listen to this.

Roses are red, Violets are blue.

I been home two
days With the Asian flu.

Huh?

Terrific?

I got me a future in poetry.

Epstein, I don't think
Rod McKuen is worried.

Hey. Hey, Freddie. Yeah.

You got that note I sold you,
uh, for your science class?

Oh, yeah.

Listen to this.

"To my dearest science teacher.

Please, forgive me for
missing Your lecture on mold.

But I was home sick
With a bad head cold."

You guys got any notes
for sick grandmothers?

I just got back
from the hospital.

My grandmother,
she's really sick.

Oh, Vinnie.

I'm so sorry.

How old is she?

Eighty-seven.

Eighty-seven.

Tsk, tsk. Still a young woman.

Hey, man, what she got?

I think she's just
got a bad case of old.

Hey, Vinnie, who's
to say what's old?

I mean, your grandma
might pull through.

I read about a guy
from South America

who's a 130 years old.

He lives in a hut he built
out of his own kidney stones.

But, I think she's gonna die.

I mean... I mean,
nobody has ever died

on me before, Mr. Kotter.

I mean, they can't do
that. I'm Vinnie Barbarino.

Vinnie, look, I mean, I
know it's hard for you,

but it's hard for everybody.

Death is just a part of life.

And we've all gotta
learn to accept it.

All right, look,

maybe you'll feel better
if we talked about it.

Hey, Vinnie,
Mr. Kotter is right.

It's something that you...

That you just gotta accept.

You've learned to
accept that, Freddie?

Oh, yeah.

As long as it's somebody else's.

Thank you, Albert Schweitzer.

What do you think
about the subject, Arnold?

Personally, I'm against it.

Yeah, well, I don't
worry about death.

I got a note for wherever I go.

Here's an interesting question.

What do you guys think happens
to somebody after they die?

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, oh. I think...

that death is kind of like
Miss Fishbeck's English class.

Very, very boring.

But, I figure we're all
coming back anyway.

And when I come back,

this time I'm
coming back taller.

Do you believe in, uh,
reincarnation, Arnold?

No, I just believe
in being taller.

With my luck, if I
got reincarnated,

I'd come back as Mr. Woodman.

How can you guys talk about

that kooky stuff
at a time like this?

I mean, this is serious.

A Catholic is dying.

I'm sorry, Vinnie. We're
just kidding around.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, why do you
suppose people gotta die?

Well, Arnold,
throughout history,

the great
philosophers, thinkers,

they've all pondered
that question.

Did they ever come
up with an answer?

Probably. They're all dead.

Horshack, people gotta die

'cause that's the
way God likes things.

I mean, he works
in mysterious ways.

Oh, you mysterious guy, you.

Yet if we all live forever, you
know what that would mean?

Yeah, it would mean you
guys will spend 200 years

in the 11th grade.

You know what they say,

"Once you're dead,
life ain't worth living."

Mr. Kotter, I wa... I wanna
ask you something. All right?

I mean, have you
ever lost anybody?

Yeah.

I lost my uncle Manny.
Somebody I really love.

He used to come over to
my house every Saturday.

He'd always have something
for me. A toy, a present.

Always have a
pocket full of change.

"Come here, Gabey.

What do you need? A
quarter, here you go."

And always yell at my mother,
she would baby me a little bit.

"What are you doing,
Esther? Leave him alone.

"He doesn't need his
earmuffs. It's August.

Let him go outside."

Then he'd spend the afternoon
losing to my father at pinochle.

He always lost to
my father at pinochle.

Then one Saturday,
he didn't show up.

I asked my mother, I
said, where's Uncle Manny?

She said that he was
sick in the hospital.

Did he have any
last words to you?

Yeah. He said,
"Gabey, come here.

"I got something to tell you.

"I didn't say this for 40 years.

Your father cheats at pinochle."

I'll never forget my
grandfather's last words.

Beautiful.

He said, "Nurse. Ooh. Ooh, ooh"

Oh!

Mr. Kotter, if your uncle,

when he was like that,
when he was sick like that.

If he had wanted you
to do something special,

would you have done it?

Sure, I mean, if I could've.

Oh, no. That's
what I was afraid of.

Now, I guess I gotta do it.

Do what?

You see, the whole time

my mother was
pregnant with me, right,

well, my grandmother
gave up totally

on her ever becoming a nun.

I think that that
was realistic, Vinnie.

And my grandmother,
she would always say...

She'd say, "Vincenzo,

I would have die a happy woman
if you would become a priest."

That's a rough one.

My grandmother
said she'd die happy

if I just keep outta jail

and never get tattooed.

Vinnie, you gotta
be fair to yourself.

You got a right to be
whatever you wanna be.

I'm sorry. I don't
mean to laugh.

But you, a priest?

You, a priest?

Horshack.

Sorry, Father Vinnie.

Hey, hey, hey. Come on, Vinnie.

All right, all right.
All right, all right.

Let's look at this situation

with a little bit
of cool and logic.

You got as much
chance being a priest

as I do getting a lead

in the school production
of Snow White.

Yeah, and Freddie
was the best one

who read for the part.

But me and Horshack,
see, we're still up for dwarfs.

Yeah, guess who's
gonna play Dopey?

If I was casting, I would
have a rough time choosing.

Now, wait a minute.
Just wait one minute.

You guys, you think
that, uh, I ain't holy enough

to become a priest.

Right.

Vinnie, not everybody
is cut out to be a priest.

Oh, yeah? Well, I wanna
tell you all something.

Up all your noses
with rubber ho...

Oh, no. No, no.

Frederick.

Arnold.

Juan.

My sons.

I forgive you.

Even though you're all punks.

Kotter.

I, uh...

I guess you've heard the latest,

Barbarino has decided
to become a priest.

He, uh, just went downstairs
to bless Epstein's gym locker.

Is that a scream?

You're not laughing,
Kotter, what's the matter?

I was just thinking
about my uncle Manny.

Why? Does he owe you money?

No, no. He died when I was 15.

Well, listen to this,
Kotter, this'll cheer you up.

Today, Barbarino came up to
me, and he told me he loved me.

Me.

Old man Woodface.

Ah, the kid's a scream.

You're still not
laughing, Kotter.

Vinnie's had a rough
time lately, Mr. Woodman.

His grandma died last week,

and she always wanted
him to be a priest.

Well, of course I'm, uh,

sorry to hear about
his grandmother.

Are you sure she's dead?

What kind of question is
that? Of course she's dead.

I'm sorry, Kotter, I had to ask.

I haven't forgotten
last semester.

Epstein's grandmother
died three times.

I, uh...

I still remember the
note that he turned in.

Violets are blue, Roses are red.

I'm sorry to announce
My grandmother's dead.

Epstein.

Mr. Woodman, do you
ever think about death?

Sure, every time I walk
into your classroom.

Serious, Mr. Woodman,
like, I don't know what I'd do

if something
happened to my wife.

How do you feel when you lose
somebody that's close to you?

I don't know.

Nobody's close to me.

But, uh, you know,
Kotter, most people...

hope they go fast.

Not me.

I wanna linger.

I wanna be a burden to
others as long as I can.

I love you, Mr. Woodman.

I tell you, he's a
scream, this kid.

Hiya, Vinnie, how you doing?

Oh, hello, Mr. Kotter.

I didn't see you at this
morning's prayer meeting

in Home Economics.

You know, Mr. Kotter,
prayer is good for you.

Oh, I know that, Vinnie. I know.

I prayed all morning.

The whole time I was on
the subway, coming to work.

I prayed that we get to my stop

before the two guys who were
kicking the conductor notice me.

That's funny.

Mr. Kotter,

the reason I'm
here is to talk about

yesterday's quiz
you flunked me in.

I forgive you.

Don't forgive me,
Vinnie, okay? Just study.

Mr. Kotter, the
Lord is my shepherd.

Do sheeps study?

You look confused.

Mr. Kotter,

have you had any
religious training?

Oh, sure, Vinnie.

I'm a member of the church
of the Seventh-day Opportunist.

We believe that after
you die, you return to Earth

as an aluminum-siding salesman.

Look, Vinnie, you're
going overboard

with this whole thing.

Mr. Kotter, I've
got a great idea.

Why don't you just read

some of these
pamphlets I have here?

You never know when he
is going to ask questions.

Vinnie, why don't you study
your social studies book?

You never know when
I'm gonna ask questions.

"Heaven on $5 a Day."

"Judgment Day and What to Wear."

"Sermons for the Shower."

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Get ready for steady Freddie.

Just... Yeah, where did I...

It's the kid's turn.
The kid is up here.

Arnold, I love you.

Arnold.

Hi, Vinnie. Come on, Arnold.

I said I love you.

Bring home the bacon.

Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Horshack, I'm talking
to you. I said I love you.

I love you.

Oh?

You do?

Well, I guess, that's nice.

As you know, Vinnie,

I've always held you
in the highest regard.

Boy, it's like
murder around here

to try to give someone
a religious experience.

Oh, Frederick, Juan.

You shouldn't be
wasting your money

on idle games of chance.

You should give it to the poor.

Give our money to the poor?

Yes.

I don't know if you've
heard it, my man.

But we am the poor.

Frederick,

there are people a lot
less fortunate than you.

Yeah, like you.

You're nuts, baby. You're crazy.

It's for-for, da-da
time, Vin-Vin.

Ah, Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter.

Listen, may I use your
classroom to give a little talk today?

It's entitled, "Fear Not When
You Walk With the Lord."

Or, "Stay Off Flatbush
Avenue After 11:00."

Vinnie, I'm gonna give
a little talk of my own.

It's entitled: "Yea, Though
I Walk Through the Valley

of the Shadow of Social
Studies, I Learn Nothing."

All right, all right, all right.

Then how about just letting me
get up in front of the classroom

and try to heal Horshack?

Heal Horshack? Yes.

Where would you start?

Now, boys...

Are we still on for after
school, huh, Vinnie Pooh?

Love and peace, love
and peace, love and peace.

Now, listen, love...
The usual place,

behind the billboard
on 84th Street.

Perhaps, you have not
heard, you brazen young hussy.

But you are speaking
to Father Vinnie Pooh.

All right, will you guys
just get outta here?

I mean, my sons.

My sons, what I'm
trying to do here is just...

Spread a little goodwill on
a new member of my flock.

♪ Crock of ages... ♪

♪ Let me hide myself In thee ♪

Listen, Bambi, I mean...

I mean, this sort of behavior
is entirely out of the question.

I can't go with you
this afternoon. I can't.

You're breaking our date

so you can go out
with Dolores again.

How could you dump
me for a... A Leo?

Hey, I don't go out
with nobody called Leo.

And bless you.

May you walk in peace.

I can't take it.

I just can't take it.

I can't take it.

Vinnie, how about you come in

and take 40 minutes
of social studies?

Come on, let's go.

I try, Mr. Kotter, I really do.

I mean, in the morning,

when I'm eating my
oatmeal, I give thanks.

Even though this
morning, it was too lumpy.

Obviously, the
work of the devil.

Yes.

When I come to school

and I see somebody
like Bambi, right?

Or Kiki Cornberg.

With those tight jeans

and that little patch
on the back that says,

"Have a nice day."

I fall apart. I just fall apart.

Vinnie,

you weren't cut
out to be a priest.

Come on, my son,
let's go to class.

All right.

Brother Vinnie.

Brother Horshack,
Brother Epstein and I

have decided to join you.

Yes, Vinnie. We all believe.

And we're gonna testify.

I said, we're gonna testify.

Yes.

Brother Horshack, you got
any... Any... Any testimony?

Oh, I got testimonies.

Yes.

I see this. I said, I see this.

What do you see?

I see it with my own
two eyes. I've seen.

I've seen Brother
Vinnie and Betty Prevetty

behind the stairwell
at Buchanan. I seen it.

Sinner, sinner, sinner.

All right, all right,
all right, all right.

I get your point. All right?

So I ain't so good
at being holy.

Wrong, Vinnie.

You're trying too
hard to be holy.

Look, everybody here
knows you're upset.

And what your friends, I think,

are trying to show you, is that

you can't go on living
someone else's conception

of what your life should be.

Hey, look, I love
my uncle Manny.

But just because he
died, that didn't mean

I wanted to become
a bad pinochle player.

But what about my grandmother?
May she rest in peace.

Vinnie, it's hard to lose
somebody you love.

But you just gotta go
on and live your own life.

You really think
that it would be okay

for me not to become a priest?

Mm-hm.

Bambi, I'm coming, Bambi.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

My mother's gonna be so upset.

Hey, Vinnie.

I got a note for her.

All right.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, I think
you better sign it, you know.

I mean, like, I would've
signed your own name

but, uh, I need a
little more experience

forging your signature.

Sit down. Okay,
yeah, I'm... Sit down!

"Dear Mrs. Barbarino.

They were shocked
When you had a son

Because that meant
You could not be a nun.

I hope you won't
mind this In the least,

but your son, Vinnie,
Will not be a priest."

All right.

"Signed, Epstein's teacher."

All right, man.

Did I ever tell you about,
uh, my uncle Morris,

who was kind of,
you know, thrifty?

Uncle Thrifty Morris.

Right. Good. Okay.

Now, one time,
Uncle Thrifty Morris

and two of his friends
were sitting around,

discussing how much
money they'd give

to various religions,
charities, you know.

And the first guy says, "Well,
when I get all my money,

"I draw a line down
the center of the floor,

"I throw my money up in the air.

"What comes down
on the right side

"I give to the Lord.

On the left side, that's
what I keep for myself."

Good. Second guy says,

"I take all my money,
I throw it up in the air.

"What comes down
heads, I give to the Lord,

tails, I keep for myself."

Another good one.

That was good. Now,
Uncle Morris says,

"I take my money, I
throw it up in the air.

What stays in the
air, I give to the Lord."

That's what I give...

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪