Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 20 - The Telethon - full transcript
Arnold and Mr. Kotter persuade the Sweathogs to hold a telethon for much needed school supplies.
Julie, I ever tell you
about the time I visited
my uncle Moe
Kotter in the hospital?
No, why don't you
tell me about the time
you went to visit
your Uncle Moe Kotter
in the hospital?
I would be delighted to.
Good.
See, he was in an oxygen tent.
And I went to see him and
he looked up at me and said:
What did that mean?
That's what I asked my aunt.
I said, What is
he trying to say?
She said, "He's saying
'Air hose, dummy,
'you're stepping
on the air hose.'"
Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
All right, all right.
Test time, test time.
All right, everybody,
get your red-hot test.
What's that you say,
you're not satisfied?
You say you want
more for your money.
All right, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
With each and every
test comes a coupon
entitling the bearer
to a 5-pound wedge
of mozzarella cheese.
This is the cheese that
you hold up to the light
and you see what
Little Willie saw
behind the barn door.
Take a test then pass the rest.
Take a test then pass the rest.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, mine's blank.
Me too.
Oh, yeah, this is one
test I think I can pass.
Hey, they're all blank.
Mine has a little note attached.
"Dear Mr. Kotter,
"As usual, by the
time I got around
"to mimeoing the
test for your class,
the mimeo machine
broke down." Oh!
"Sincerely, Mrs. Bazoodi.
"P.S.
I think I love you."
Oh, oh, oh!
Mr. Kotter, you
devil. Mr. Kotter.
Hey, hey, I hardly
know Mrs. Bazoodi.
She's the one
with the bazoodies.
All right, all right. I got
bad news for everybody:
no test today.
You promised.
All right. Look, come on,
let's get to work, okay?
I wanna show you
about the coastline
of southern United States.
We have a point...
I don't believe this.
Two months ago, I asked
Mr. Woodman for a new map.
You know what he told me?
He said I should pick
one up at the gas station.
Mr. Kotter, it's time that you
and me did a little business.
You need supplies, and you need
money. Well, we can raise money.
There's plenty of ways to
raise money. For instance...
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh!
I got it. I got it.
Hey, kids, let's put on a show.
How 'bout a car wash?
I think we could raise
extra money on the hubcaps.
Come on, we... We need
an idea with a little class.
Class. Hey, I could sell kisses.
And that's just for openers.
All right, that's enough.
That's enough, Vinnie.
I got it. Hey, kids,
let's put on a show.
Hey, I got an
idea. Listen to this.
I.S.B.
I.S.B.?
In-school betting. Yeah.
It's about time we get
betting off the streets,
into the school here
where it belongs.
You kidding? I'll bet you
5 to 2 that won't happen.
I'll take that bet.
Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Kotter.
Hey, kids!
Let's put on a show!
A show!
Arnold.
Arnold, don't be shy.
If you have something to say,
just come right out and say it.
Well, Mr. Kotter.
When charities
wanna raise money,
they always go on TV.
And how, pray tell, are
we supposed to do that?
Well, Mr. Kotter.
I happen to be a
frequent watcher
of Channel 52.4.
It's right here in Brooklyn.
Yeah, I know the channel.
The only time I can get it
is if I hook my antenna
up to my toaster.
That's the one.
Well, Mr. Kotter, I feel
that they would just leap
at the chance for a
Sweathog telly-thon.
Arnold, why don't you
leap back to your seat?
Look, nobody can possibly
convince the television station
to do a Sweathog telethon.
Nobody in their right
mind would even try.
Sure, but we could try.
Uh, Kotter.
Uh, Kotter, I, uh,
wanna apologize
for the way you and your... Your
Sweathogs have been treated
in regard to supplies.
And I promise you it
will never happen again.
Ask me why it will
never happen again.
Why will it never happen again?
Well, it's funny you
should ask that, Kotter.
Uh, I've been making
some budget cuts,
and unless the, uh, money fairy
comes up with 700 big ones,
I'm dropping the remedial
academics program
for this semester.
Hey, wait. You can't do that.
Mr. Woodman, you can't do that.
These kids need this program.
They have, uh...
special problems.
Yeah.
I know I got special problems.
You can't break us up.
I mean, we go together.
Like... Like "submarine"
and "sandwich."
You Sweathogs will be absorbed
in the mainstream of the school,
where you will never be seen
or heard from again.
Mr. Woodman.
Mr. Woodman!
Hey, hey, he can't do that.
Hey, he can't do that.
Can he do that?
He can do that.
Hey, that's just not fair, man.
Well, I am not
gonna let it happen.
I am gonna call
up Channel 52.4...
If they have a phone.
And I am gonna convince them
into doing a Sweathog telethon.
Hey, kids, let's put on a show.
You Kotter?
Me Kotter, who you?
Me Oliver Miles. So,
what's this revolutionary idea
you called my TV station about?
Oh, Oliver, thanks
for coming over.
I don't know how
revolutionary...
Don't worry about
it, kid. I'm a genius.
Whatever you got,
I can make it work.
I got a telethon.
I can't make it work.
No, no. Oliver, look,
it would be a direct remote
right from this classroom.
I've got an idea.
I see... I see a direct
remote from the classroom.
Students working
on their own behalf.
I see students working
on their own behalf.
Oliver, you're a genius.
Oliver, you're a genius.
Who we got for talent?
Well, my wife sings.
And I've been known
to tell a few jokes.
Really?
You don't look funny.
Thank you.
Um... My Sweathogs can perform.
Performing Sweathogs?
Is that an animal act?
No, no, no, those
are my students,
the Sweathogs. Oh.
They've got all sorts of talent.
I'm sure you'd love them
if you got a chance to see them.
♪ Me ♪
♪ And my shadow ♪
♪ Strolling down The avenue ♪
♪ And while We're
on the subject ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ And my shadow ♪
♪ Not a soul To
tell our troubles to ♪
♪ And when it's 12:00 ♪
♪ We climb the stairs ♪
♪ We never knock ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody's there ♪
♪ Just ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ And my shadow ♪
♪ All alone And feeling blue ♪
♪ Yeah, we're all
alone And feeling blue ♪
♪ All alone and feeling... ♪
All right.
Everybody needs
chairs, all right?
Hey, move it all over here.
All right.
Honey, I'm so nervous,
I've never been on TV before.
Don't you worry, baby.
I'm gonna handle everything.
I'm Mr. Cool.
All you have to
do, you sweet thing,
is answer the phone.
The phone?
You're doing a telethon
with one phone?
Uh, sorry, Mrs. Kotter,
but this is all we could, uh,
appropriate.
Hello, London?
Oh, Kotter.
Waiter, waiter, waiter.
Look, could I have a
table for two over there?
Come on, cut it out, Kotter.
As long as you're
going through with this
I'll join your show.
Not many people
know this, but I sing.
No.
All right, all right, 30
seconds to airtime.
Thirty seconds to airtime.
Clear the camera area.
Clear the camera area here.
Get away.
Get away.
Hello, is this the
Acapulco operator?
All right, 10 seconds
everyone, break a leg.
Hey, which leg do
you want broke, huh?
Hello, Mexico?
I wanna talk to Mr. Big.
Here you go, Kotter.
You know, Oliver, I think I
shoulda been in show business
my whole life.
I mean, I'm just...
There's ice water running
through these veins.
Three, two, one.
You're on the air.
Hello, Brooklyn.
Hello, Brooklyn.
And welcome to the
Sweathog Telethon.
We're here to raise money
for underprivileged children...
Hello.
Which is what my
husband's trying to say.
My husband, me, I'm husband.
Kotter. Me.
Kotter. Uh... Ha-ha!
Which reminds me of a song.
Hit it.
♪ Let me entertain you ♪
♪ Let me make you smile ♪
You told me I
could sing, Kotter.
He told me that I could
sing I'm doing my number.
- Mrs. Kotter.
- Mr. Woodman.
Pull yourself together.
The show must go on.
Those kids are depending
on you, Kotter. Yes.
Kotter, remember, you're
going out there a nobody,
but you're coming back a star.
Now, get out there.
Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman,
give it to me later.
Just wait over here.
♪ Let me do A
few tricks of old ♪
♪ And then some new tricks ♪
♪ I'm very versatile ♪
Yes, uh, that was my wife
singing about some of the old
and some of the new tricks.
She's very versatile. Ha-ha-ha!
Well, my name
is Mr., uh, Kotter.
And we'd like to welcome you
to the, uh, Sweathog Telethon.
Hello? KOTTER: 700 dollars...
Oh, yeah, the little
guy with the short hair?
Oh, the curly hair?
- Oh, that's Juan Epstein, yeah.
- People out there...
Hey, Juan, somebody wants
to pay money to see your face.
Get out in front of the camera.
We're counting on all
you people from Brooklyn
to come in and raise
the $700 which we
so desperately need.
Thank you very much.
This is one of the students.
Hey, Juan, you're in the clear.
The lady says you ain't the
one that snatched her purse.
We'll be back with the rest
of our telethon so stay with us.
We have a word from
station identification
and we'll see you in a minute.
Uh, Kotter, Kotter, now
that you are yourself again,
uh, uh, introduce me.
This is important, Kotter.
I'm not using my
first name Michael.
You just say, "Ladies
and gentlemen,
Woodman."
Later, Mr. Woodman. Later, okay?
Not yet. Wait. Not
yet. Later. Later.
Oh, hi, I see we're back.
Well, just follow
us right over here,
and we're gonna walk
over to see our tote girl
Vernajean Williams
and our toteboard.
Vernajean, would you tell
us what our total is so far?
Oh, yeah, oh, sure, sure, sure.
Let's see. So...
Man, so far we ain't
made a plug nickel.
Well, I'm sure you people
out there are just waiting
for our entertainment to start,
and you're gonna send in
your money soon, right? Okay.
Well, we'd like to
start off right now
with the boy you just met, the
Puerto Rican-Jewish madcap.
Here he is, Juan Epstein.
Come on, let's hear it.
♪ Day-O ♪
Woo! Woo!
♪ Day-O ♪
♪ Daylight come And
me wanna go home ♪
Hey, Murray.
It's me, Murray.
I'm on the tube.
That's 5 bucks, sucker.
You owe me 5 bucks.
I'm on the tube, man.
I'm right here.
Here's Kotter, man.
Here's Kotter,
we're on the tube.
Hello, Murray.
Here's Kotter, man.
Murray. Hello, Murray.
What do you say, Murray?
♪ Oooh-oooh ♪
♪ Baby ♪
Hi there.
From high atop the
fabulously appointed
Sweathog room of
Buchanan High School,
this is Freddie "Boom
Boom" Washington.
Appealing for
anything you can spare.
Five dollars?
Two dollars, one
dollar, a quarter.
Anything at all.
A dime?
A dime, you say?
A dime?!
What happened to the big money?
We can't live on no
dime! We'll take a dime.
That's all right.
We'll take the dime.
We'll take a dime. Give
us some money, people!
Hello, dummy.
Hello, Mr. Kotter.
Well, so far the telethon
is just going great.
And there's a lady out there
that says she'll send in $25
if while I drink
a glass of water,
you can sing.
Can we do that, Mr. Kotter?
We should give the
old high school try.
I'm gonna drink the water
and you're gonna sing.
Oh, that's terrific.
Now, you sit down and relax.
Thank you. That was the
wonderful Arnold Horshack
as the dummy.
And now for our final
act of the evening,
I'd like to...
No, n-not yet,
Mr. Woodman. Soon.
But you just said
it's the final act.
Not yet. Final act.
Not yet. Not yet.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is that Sicilian songbird,
the wonderful
Mr. Vinnie Barbarino.
♪ I said, a-Bar, Bar, Bar ♪
♪ Bar, Barbarino ♪
♪ Bar, Bar, Bar ♪
♪ Bar, Barbarino ♪
♪ Bar, Bar, Bar ♪
♪ Bar, Barbarino ♪
♪ You got me
rocking And a-rolling ♪
♪ Barbarino ♪
♪ Barbarino ♪
♪ You got me
rocking And a-reelin' ♪
♪ And a-boppin' and
a-feelin' Oh, Barbarino ♪
♪ You got me rocking Woo! ♪
♪ You got me reeling Ooh! ♪
♪ You got me, ooh ♪
♪ Barbarino, yeah, yeah ♪
Thank you very much,
thank you, thank you.
That was the wonderful
Vinnie Barbarino
with "The Barbarino Song."
Thank you. We
enjoyed that very much.
We have, uh, some additional
pledges here I'd like to read.
We have a $5 pledge
from the Elite Pool Room.
"A nice place to bring
the whole family."
Thank you very
much, Elite Pool Room.
After seeing our show
and particularly
the ventriloquist,
the drunks at Harry's Bar
have pledged to quit drinking.
Thank you, drunks
at Harry's Bar.
We have a $15 pledge
from Our Lady of
Spain Accordion School.
Keep squeezing that accordion.
Thank you, Our Lady of
Spain Accordion School.
Let's see what time it is.
Well, we're almost out of time.
Vernajean, will you tell
us what our grand total is?
Certainly.
Right now, our
grand total is $678.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's not enough.
We're $22 short.
I think we've had
some fun here tonight.
You've seen some good
entertainment, a good time.
But we're $22 short.
And I would like to
make a personal plea
right now to the
teachers out there,
teachers that have
normal students.
Epstein, come in here a minute.
Come on in here, Epstein.
How'd you like to walk
into your classroom
every morning and
have to look at this, huh?
We need $22.
Thank you very much.
Washington, come in here.
Hi there. Heh-heh!
Washington, how many times
have you said "hi there" this month?
Hi there. Goodbye
there, Washington.
Can I say something? No.
What's happening,
Leroy? I'm on TV, baby.
Horshack, come on in here.
This is Arnold Horshack.
Horshack, suppose I
say something in class
and you know the answer,
how do you raise your hand?
Ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
And if something was
funny, how would you laugh?
Thank you very
much. We need $22.
Barbarino, please come in here.
Barbarino, what did
we learn yesterday?
What?
What did we learn the
day before yesterday?
What?
What have you learned all year?
What?
Thank you very much.
That's $22. Let's
get it in for me, okay?
Yes, yes, he will.
Gabe, there's some
nutty lady on the phone
who says that
she'll send in the $22
if you will sing
like you used to
when you were a little boy. Heh!
She says you know the song.
Ma.
How could you do this to me, Ma?
Gabe, your mother is waiting.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do it.
We need the money, man.
Shh-shh-shh.
No. Oh, no.
No.
Come on, man. The floor's yours.
Ma, I'm gonna make
a fool out of myself
in front of a whole burrough.
♪ Shoo fly pie ♪
♪ And apple pan dowdy ♪
♪ Make your eyes light up ♪
♪ Your tummy says howdy ♪
I'm gonna send it, great.
She's sending the $22.
Twenty-two dollars.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Brooklyn.
That wraps it up.
You're beautiful.
Good night.
♪ I did it my way ♪
♪ For what is a man ♪
♪ What has he got? ♪
Give it to me later.
♪ If by himself ♪
Thank you.
♪ That he has naught ♪
♪ To say the things
He really feels ♪
♪ And not the words ♪
♪ Of one who kneels ♪
♪ The records show ♪
♪ I took the blows ♪
♪ And did it my way... ♪
Julie, baby, did I ever tell
you about my uncle Ben?
No, did he make rice?
No, he didn't make rice.
He was a little
cuckoo, you know.
So he went to a psychiatrist.
So the psychiatrist said:
"Mr. Kotter, I'm
sorry to tell you this,
but you're schizophrenic."
Uh-oh. What did Uncle Ben say?
Uncle Ben said, "Thank you very
much. How much do I owe you?"
Psychiatrist says,
"You owe me $100."
Uncle Ben gives him $50.
Psychiatrist says,
"Where's the other $50?"
Uncle Ben says, "Get
it from the other guy."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
about the time I visited
my uncle Moe
Kotter in the hospital?
No, why don't you
tell me about the time
you went to visit
your Uncle Moe Kotter
in the hospital?
I would be delighted to.
Good.
See, he was in an oxygen tent.
And I went to see him and
he looked up at me and said:
What did that mean?
That's what I asked my aunt.
I said, What is
he trying to say?
She said, "He's saying
'Air hose, dummy,
'you're stepping
on the air hose.'"
Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
All right, all right.
Test time, test time.
All right, everybody,
get your red-hot test.
What's that you say,
you're not satisfied?
You say you want
more for your money.
All right, I'll tell you
what I'm gonna do.
With each and every
test comes a coupon
entitling the bearer
to a 5-pound wedge
of mozzarella cheese.
This is the cheese that
you hold up to the light
and you see what
Little Willie saw
behind the barn door.
Take a test then pass the rest.
Take a test then pass the rest.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, mine's blank.
Me too.
Oh, yeah, this is one
test I think I can pass.
Hey, they're all blank.
Mine has a little note attached.
"Dear Mr. Kotter,
"As usual, by the
time I got around
"to mimeoing the
test for your class,
the mimeo machine
broke down." Oh!
"Sincerely, Mrs. Bazoodi.
"P.S.
I think I love you."
Oh, oh, oh!
Mr. Kotter, you
devil. Mr. Kotter.
Hey, hey, I hardly
know Mrs. Bazoodi.
She's the one
with the bazoodies.
All right, all right. I got
bad news for everybody:
no test today.
You promised.
All right. Look, come on,
let's get to work, okay?
I wanna show you
about the coastline
of southern United States.
We have a point...
I don't believe this.
Two months ago, I asked
Mr. Woodman for a new map.
You know what he told me?
He said I should pick
one up at the gas station.
Mr. Kotter, it's time that you
and me did a little business.
You need supplies, and you need
money. Well, we can raise money.
There's plenty of ways to
raise money. For instance...
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh, ooh, ooh!
Ooh!
I got it. I got it.
Hey, kids, let's put on a show.
How 'bout a car wash?
I think we could raise
extra money on the hubcaps.
Come on, we... We need
an idea with a little class.
Class. Hey, I could sell kisses.
And that's just for openers.
All right, that's enough.
That's enough, Vinnie.
I got it. Hey, kids,
let's put on a show.
Hey, I got an
idea. Listen to this.
I.S.B.
I.S.B.?
In-school betting. Yeah.
It's about time we get
betting off the streets,
into the school here
where it belongs.
You kidding? I'll bet you
5 to 2 that won't happen.
I'll take that bet.
Mr. Kotter.
Mr. Kotter.
Hey, kids!
Let's put on a show!
A show!
Arnold.
Arnold, don't be shy.
If you have something to say,
just come right out and say it.
Well, Mr. Kotter.
When charities
wanna raise money,
they always go on TV.
And how, pray tell, are
we supposed to do that?
Well, Mr. Kotter.
I happen to be a
frequent watcher
of Channel 52.4.
It's right here in Brooklyn.
Yeah, I know the channel.
The only time I can get it
is if I hook my antenna
up to my toaster.
That's the one.
Well, Mr. Kotter, I feel
that they would just leap
at the chance for a
Sweathog telly-thon.
Arnold, why don't you
leap back to your seat?
Look, nobody can possibly
convince the television station
to do a Sweathog telethon.
Nobody in their right
mind would even try.
Sure, but we could try.
Uh, Kotter.
Uh, Kotter, I, uh,
wanna apologize
for the way you and your... Your
Sweathogs have been treated
in regard to supplies.
And I promise you it
will never happen again.
Ask me why it will
never happen again.
Why will it never happen again?
Well, it's funny you
should ask that, Kotter.
Uh, I've been making
some budget cuts,
and unless the, uh, money fairy
comes up with 700 big ones,
I'm dropping the remedial
academics program
for this semester.
Hey, wait. You can't do that.
Mr. Woodman, you can't do that.
These kids need this program.
They have, uh...
special problems.
Yeah.
I know I got special problems.
You can't break us up.
I mean, we go together.
Like... Like "submarine"
and "sandwich."
You Sweathogs will be absorbed
in the mainstream of the school,
where you will never be seen
or heard from again.
Mr. Woodman.
Mr. Woodman!
Hey, hey, he can't do that.
Hey, he can't do that.
Can he do that?
He can do that.
Hey, that's just not fair, man.
Well, I am not
gonna let it happen.
I am gonna call
up Channel 52.4...
If they have a phone.
And I am gonna convince them
into doing a Sweathog telethon.
Hey, kids, let's put on a show.
You Kotter?
Me Kotter, who you?
Me Oliver Miles. So,
what's this revolutionary idea
you called my TV station about?
Oh, Oliver, thanks
for coming over.
I don't know how
revolutionary...
Don't worry about
it, kid. I'm a genius.
Whatever you got,
I can make it work.
I got a telethon.
I can't make it work.
No, no. Oliver, look,
it would be a direct remote
right from this classroom.
I've got an idea.
I see... I see a direct
remote from the classroom.
Students working
on their own behalf.
I see students working
on their own behalf.
Oliver, you're a genius.
Oliver, you're a genius.
Who we got for talent?
Well, my wife sings.
And I've been known
to tell a few jokes.
Really?
You don't look funny.
Thank you.
Um... My Sweathogs can perform.
Performing Sweathogs?
Is that an animal act?
No, no, no, those
are my students,
the Sweathogs. Oh.
They've got all sorts of talent.
I'm sure you'd love them
if you got a chance to see them.
♪ Me ♪
♪ And my shadow ♪
♪ Strolling down The avenue ♪
♪ And while We're
on the subject ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ And my shadow ♪
♪ Not a soul To
tell our troubles to ♪
♪ And when it's 12:00 ♪
♪ We climb the stairs ♪
♪ We never knock ♪
♪ 'Cause nobody's there ♪
♪ Just ♪
♪ Me ♪
♪ And my shadow ♪
♪ All alone And feeling blue ♪
♪ Yeah, we're all
alone And feeling blue ♪
♪ All alone and feeling... ♪
All right.
Everybody needs
chairs, all right?
Hey, move it all over here.
All right.
Honey, I'm so nervous,
I've never been on TV before.
Don't you worry, baby.
I'm gonna handle everything.
I'm Mr. Cool.
All you have to
do, you sweet thing,
is answer the phone.
The phone?
You're doing a telethon
with one phone?
Uh, sorry, Mrs. Kotter,
but this is all we could, uh,
appropriate.
Hello, London?
Oh, Kotter.
Waiter, waiter, waiter.
Look, could I have a
table for two over there?
Come on, cut it out, Kotter.
As long as you're
going through with this
I'll join your show.
Not many people
know this, but I sing.
No.
All right, all right, 30
seconds to airtime.
Thirty seconds to airtime.
Clear the camera area.
Clear the camera area here.
Get away.
Get away.
Hello, is this the
Acapulco operator?
All right, 10 seconds
everyone, break a leg.
Hey, which leg do
you want broke, huh?
Hello, Mexico?
I wanna talk to Mr. Big.
Here you go, Kotter.
You know, Oliver, I think I
shoulda been in show business
my whole life.
I mean, I'm just...
There's ice water running
through these veins.
Three, two, one.
You're on the air.
Hello, Brooklyn.
Hello, Brooklyn.
And welcome to the
Sweathog Telethon.
We're here to raise money
for underprivileged children...
Hello.
Which is what my
husband's trying to say.
My husband, me, I'm husband.
Kotter. Me.
Kotter. Uh... Ha-ha!
Which reminds me of a song.
Hit it.
♪ Let me entertain you ♪
♪ Let me make you smile ♪
You told me I
could sing, Kotter.
He told me that I could
sing I'm doing my number.
- Mrs. Kotter.
- Mr. Woodman.
Pull yourself together.
The show must go on.
Those kids are depending
on you, Kotter. Yes.
Kotter, remember, you're
going out there a nobody,
but you're coming back a star.
Now, get out there.
Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman,
give it to me later.
Just wait over here.
♪ Let me do A
few tricks of old ♪
♪ And then some new tricks ♪
♪ I'm very versatile ♪
Yes, uh, that was my wife
singing about some of the old
and some of the new tricks.
She's very versatile. Ha-ha-ha!
Well, my name
is Mr., uh, Kotter.
And we'd like to welcome you
to the, uh, Sweathog Telethon.
Hello? KOTTER: 700 dollars...
Oh, yeah, the little
guy with the short hair?
Oh, the curly hair?
- Oh, that's Juan Epstein, yeah.
- People out there...
Hey, Juan, somebody wants
to pay money to see your face.
Get out in front of the camera.
We're counting on all
you people from Brooklyn
to come in and raise
the $700 which we
so desperately need.
Thank you very much.
This is one of the students.
Hey, Juan, you're in the clear.
The lady says you ain't the
one that snatched her purse.
We'll be back with the rest
of our telethon so stay with us.
We have a word from
station identification
and we'll see you in a minute.
Uh, Kotter, Kotter, now
that you are yourself again,
uh, uh, introduce me.
This is important, Kotter.
I'm not using my
first name Michael.
You just say, "Ladies
and gentlemen,
Woodman."
Later, Mr. Woodman. Later, okay?
Not yet. Wait. Not
yet. Later. Later.
Oh, hi, I see we're back.
Well, just follow
us right over here,
and we're gonna walk
over to see our tote girl
Vernajean Williams
and our toteboard.
Vernajean, would you tell
us what our total is so far?
Oh, yeah, oh, sure, sure, sure.
Let's see. So...
Man, so far we ain't
made a plug nickel.
Well, I'm sure you people
out there are just waiting
for our entertainment to start,
and you're gonna send in
your money soon, right? Okay.
Well, we'd like to
start off right now
with the boy you just met, the
Puerto Rican-Jewish madcap.
Here he is, Juan Epstein.
Come on, let's hear it.
♪ Day-O ♪
Woo! Woo!
♪ Day-O ♪
♪ Daylight come And
me wanna go home ♪
Hey, Murray.
It's me, Murray.
I'm on the tube.
That's 5 bucks, sucker.
You owe me 5 bucks.
I'm on the tube, man.
I'm right here.
Here's Kotter, man.
Here's Kotter,
we're on the tube.
Hello, Murray.
Here's Kotter, man.
Murray. Hello, Murray.
What do you say, Murray?
♪ Oooh-oooh ♪
♪ Baby ♪
Hi there.
From high atop the
fabulously appointed
Sweathog room of
Buchanan High School,
this is Freddie "Boom
Boom" Washington.
Appealing for
anything you can spare.
Five dollars?
Two dollars, one
dollar, a quarter.
Anything at all.
A dime?
A dime, you say?
A dime?!
What happened to the big money?
We can't live on no
dime! We'll take a dime.
That's all right.
We'll take the dime.
We'll take a dime. Give
us some money, people!
Hello, dummy.
Hello, Mr. Kotter.
Well, so far the telethon
is just going great.
And there's a lady out there
that says she'll send in $25
if while I drink
a glass of water,
you can sing.
Can we do that, Mr. Kotter?
We should give the
old high school try.
I'm gonna drink the water
and you're gonna sing.
Oh, that's terrific.
Now, you sit down and relax.
Thank you. That was the
wonderful Arnold Horshack
as the dummy.
And now for our final
act of the evening,
I'd like to...
No, n-not yet,
Mr. Woodman. Soon.
But you just said
it's the final act.
Not yet. Final act.
Not yet. Not yet.
Ladies and gentlemen,
here is that Sicilian songbird,
the wonderful
Mr. Vinnie Barbarino.
♪ I said, a-Bar, Bar, Bar ♪
♪ Bar, Barbarino ♪
♪ Bar, Bar, Bar ♪
♪ Bar, Barbarino ♪
♪ Bar, Bar, Bar ♪
♪ Bar, Barbarino ♪
♪ You got me
rocking And a-rolling ♪
♪ Barbarino ♪
♪ Barbarino ♪
♪ You got me
rocking And a-reelin' ♪
♪ And a-boppin' and
a-feelin' Oh, Barbarino ♪
♪ You got me rocking Woo! ♪
♪ You got me reeling Ooh! ♪
♪ You got me, ooh ♪
♪ Barbarino, yeah, yeah ♪
Thank you very much,
thank you, thank you.
That was the wonderful
Vinnie Barbarino
with "The Barbarino Song."
Thank you. We
enjoyed that very much.
We have, uh, some additional
pledges here I'd like to read.
We have a $5 pledge
from the Elite Pool Room.
"A nice place to bring
the whole family."
Thank you very
much, Elite Pool Room.
After seeing our show
and particularly
the ventriloquist,
the drunks at Harry's Bar
have pledged to quit drinking.
Thank you, drunks
at Harry's Bar.
We have a $15 pledge
from Our Lady of
Spain Accordion School.
Keep squeezing that accordion.
Thank you, Our Lady of
Spain Accordion School.
Let's see what time it is.
Well, we're almost out of time.
Vernajean, will you tell
us what our grand total is?
Certainly.
Right now, our
grand total is $678.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
That's not enough.
We're $22 short.
I think we've had
some fun here tonight.
You've seen some good
entertainment, a good time.
But we're $22 short.
And I would like to
make a personal plea
right now to the
teachers out there,
teachers that have
normal students.
Epstein, come in here a minute.
Come on in here, Epstein.
How'd you like to walk
into your classroom
every morning and
have to look at this, huh?
We need $22.
Thank you very much.
Washington, come in here.
Hi there. Heh-heh!
Washington, how many times
have you said "hi there" this month?
Hi there. Goodbye
there, Washington.
Can I say something? No.
What's happening,
Leroy? I'm on TV, baby.
Horshack, come on in here.
This is Arnold Horshack.
Horshack, suppose I
say something in class
and you know the answer,
how do you raise your hand?
Ooh! Ooh, ooh!
Ooh! Ooh, ooh, ooh!
And if something was
funny, how would you laugh?
Thank you very
much. We need $22.
Barbarino, please come in here.
Barbarino, what did
we learn yesterday?
What?
What did we learn the
day before yesterday?
What?
What have you learned all year?
What?
Thank you very much.
That's $22. Let's
get it in for me, okay?
Yes, yes, he will.
Gabe, there's some
nutty lady on the phone
who says that
she'll send in the $22
if you will sing
like you used to
when you were a little boy. Heh!
She says you know the song.
Ma.
How could you do this to me, Ma?
Gabe, your mother is waiting.
I'm not gonna do it.
I'm not gonna do it.
We need the money, man.
Shh-shh-shh.
No. Oh, no.
No.
Come on, man. The floor's yours.
Ma, I'm gonna make
a fool out of myself
in front of a whole burrough.
♪ Shoo fly pie ♪
♪ And apple pan dowdy ♪
♪ Make your eyes light up ♪
♪ Your tummy says howdy ♪
I'm gonna send it, great.
She's sending the $22.
Twenty-two dollars.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Brooklyn.
That wraps it up.
You're beautiful.
Good night.
♪ I did it my way ♪
♪ For what is a man ♪
♪ What has he got? ♪
Give it to me later.
♪ If by himself ♪
Thank you.
♪ That he has naught ♪
♪ To say the things
He really feels ♪
♪ And not the words ♪
♪ Of one who kneels ♪
♪ The records show ♪
♪ I took the blows ♪
♪ And did it my way... ♪
Julie, baby, did I ever tell
you about my uncle Ben?
No, did he make rice?
No, he didn't make rice.
He was a little
cuckoo, you know.
So he went to a psychiatrist.
So the psychiatrist said:
"Mr. Kotter, I'm
sorry to tell you this,
but you're schizophrenic."
Uh-oh. What did Uncle Ben say?
Uncle Ben said, "Thank you very
much. How much do I owe you?"
Psychiatrist says,
"You owe me $100."
Uncle Ben gives him $50.
Psychiatrist says,
"Where's the other $50?"
Uncle Ben says, "Get
it from the other guy."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪