Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 2 - Basket Case - full transcript
Kotter is pressured to give Boom-Boom a passing grade on his exam, which he fails, so that he can continue to play on the basketball team.
Honey, coming back
to the old neighborhood
brings back a lot of memories.
I remember when I
was about 9 years old,
this big bully, Tommy
O'Shaughnessy,
would pick on me everyday.
Oh, honey.
I told my father and he said,
"Son, a bully's
nothing but a coward.
"You go up to him tomorrow
and you tell him he's a coward.
I guarantee he'll never
pick on you again."
Good for him.
Next day, I went up to
Tommy, I said, "Look,
"my father explained
to me. You're a coward.
"If you don't bother me anymore,
I won't tell anybody
you're a coward."
You know what he
did? No, what did he do?
Got on his bike, rode
away, went to my house,
and beat up my father.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Gabe, are you awake?
No, I'm asleep.
Come on, it's time
to get up for school.
There's a test today. I don't
wanna go to school today.
Honey, you're a teacher now.
You don't have to take
tests anymore. You give 'em.
Oh, yeah.
You're sore from playing ball
yesterday, aren't you, honey?
No, I'm not.
Well, then what was
that noise you just made?
What noise?
That noise.
I have never heard you
make that noise before.
I don't believe it.
That noise. That's
my father's noise.
That's the noise my father makes
when he gets up in the morning.
But he didn't start to make
that noise until he was 40.
I'm too young to be
making my father's noise.
Go on and take a hot bath,
honey, you'll feel better.
I always hated that noise.
I couldn't stand it when he
started to make that noise.
But he was 40
before... Oh, my God.
What's wrong? This
is my father's walk.
Hey, Vinnie, have
you seen my... Shh.
Horshack, the man
is studying for the test.
Ready. Hey, Washington.
Whoo. Fall back, baby,
have no fear,
Mr. Wonderful is here.
You made the team!
Hey, man, from now on,
it's the easy life for me.
I'm gonna be a star. And
stars ain't got to do nothing but...
shoot baskets. All right.
Hey, Freddie, you're gonna
need a manager, right?
Hey, I'm way ahead of you, baby.
All right, all
right. Now, first,
negotiate the
college scholarship.
Right. Right. And
then, after college,
we sign a fat contract
with the New York Knicks.
Ah, whoo.
You're going to cities,
fringe benefits, commercials.
Hey, you ready for that?
Yeah, I'm ready for
that. All right, let's do one.
A commercial.
Okay, Freddie, you're on.
Hi there.
I'm just sitting here in my
palatial 5th Avenue mansion.
About to have another
generous helping
of my famous Fast Freddie's
French Fried Chicken Fingers.
They're finger chicken good.
Stick with me you'll be
up to your fro in dough.
Oh, and groupies to
be crawling all over you.
Yeah, I never thought
about groupies.
Huh. Maybe I should
try out for the team?
Hey, Epstein, you're
too short. Oh, yeah?
I'll lie about my
height, eh, monsieur?
What is this, The
Flying Wallendas?
Hey.
Okay, as you know, we
are having an exam today,
which explains this green
bucket over here in my right hand.
Epstein and Barbarino,
please roll up your sleeves.
What for?
Hey, come on, it's
against the constitution.
What do you think,
this is democracy here?
Hey, good boy, Epstein.
Look, there's nothing, nothing.
How about this one? What?
This one? Where?
Under there, roll it up.
What, this? Let's
see it, come on.
First constitutional
congress in Philadelphia.
Declaration of
Independence, 1776.
Benjamin Franklin, electricity.
Evelyn, 434-1590.
Ooh.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Leave Evelyn's phone number.
Okay, now the
information is in our heads
and only in our heads.
Arnold, please
distribute the exam.
Oh, sure, Mr. Kotter.
Arnold.
Where you going?
I'm going to
distribute the test.
Distribute them in here, Arnold.
Oh...
Well, Mr. Kotter,
you did not say that.
You see, I feel that
the English language
is a very precise tool.
And you really ought
to learn how to use it.
Distribute the papers. Okay.
Okay, now, keep them turned over
until I tell you to begin.
Hey, Freddie's got some
great news. Go ahead, tell him.
Oh, yeah, Mr. Kotter.
I made the basketball
team, first screening.
Congratulations. Where
are you gonna play, forward?
No, star.
You are looking
at Mr. Versatility.
I mean, I got the
moves of Walt Frazier
and the finesse of
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
All right.
You also got the
modesty of Muhammad Ali.
Let me tell you
something, Mr. Star.
You may not be as
good as you think you are.
So if you are the best,
you ain't gonna play
unless you pass the test.
Ali, if you got it, flaunt it.
And if you ain't got
it, you're Horshack.
Hot soup.
You know, uh, I was a
pretty fair basketball player
when I went to school here.
You?
You?
Why is that so hard to
believe? It's your body.
My body? What's
wrong with my body?
I am in perfect
physical condition.
I-it's just not a
basketball body.
Now, look, hey,
Freddie, stand up.
Now, this... This is
a basketball body.
This is a body for
running and for jumping.
And this...
This is a body for
sitting and spreading.
Well, it's simple.
Basketball, basket case.
Okay, let's quit the stalling.
We got a test to take today.
And I really hope
you've all prepared.
Mr. Kotter, I got
a medical note.
Epstein has got another note.
Surprise, surprise. Okay,
Epstein, let's see this one.
Epstein, is there something
wrong with your arm?
Yeah, could you
get the note for me?
Certainly.
"Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan will not
be able to write today's exam
"because of his bursitis.
Signed: Epstein's mother."
Epstein, did you
write this note?
Oh, no, no, no. Yeah.
I had to write it for my mother
'cause her bursitis is
a lot worse than mine.
Sit down.
Okay, anymore notes?
Excuses?
Diseases?
Religious conflicts?
Okay, now turn your papers over.
You have 30 minutes.
If you get stuck
on one question,
forget about it, go
on to the next one.
All right, begin.
Barbarino. What? What?
Pull up your trousers.
What? Your
trouser leg, roll it up.
What did you have in mind?
Roll up your trouser leg.
What is this?
It's a skin condition.
Skin condition?
Oh, yes.
Looks to me like
mogo on the go-go.
A very serious disease for
which there are no symptoms.
Fortunately, medical science
has come up with a cure.
Lucky I caught it
in its early stages.
Mogo on the go-go.
Hey, got a minute left, come on.
Washington, what are you doing?
Why are you drawing
pictures on your paper?
Who is this? Hey.
That's Superstill, man.
Faster than a speeding forward,
more powerful
than a double lay-up.
You're taking the wrong exam.
Do I look like Miss
Fishbeck, the art teacher?
Only around the mustache.
I need the tests on my desk.
Washington, I wanna see you.
Oh, man.
Mr. Kotter, what are
you harassing him for?
He don't have to
write that exam.
He's on the team,
it means he passes.
It's a fact of life. Fish
gotta swim, birds gotta fly.
The varsity athletes gotta pass.
It's a Buchanan tradition.
Well, you know that I just
love to break traditions?
Look, athletes gotta
pass or they don't play.
There was a
quarterback, Moose Nolan,
he had to write an essay on
his favorite fictional character.
Handed in seven blank pages.
Maybe his favorite fictional
character was the Invisible Man.
But he passed. 'Cause
he was on the team.
That's the way
it is, Mr. Kotter.
That's the way it
was, Mr. Barbarino.
Nobody passes in my
class unless they earned it.
Come back after your last
class, you'll take a make-up test.
No, no deal. Let's go.
You're not gonna
come back, Freddie?
No, I'm not coming back.
You used to play
basketball, didn't you?
That's right.
Boy, have you changed.
I haven't changed.
And I can still play basketball.
Here's Kotter,
dribbling down the court,
see his famous
behind-the-back hook shot.
There it goes.
Uh, Kotter.
You know, we're surprised
that you would give
an unfair test.
And a bright boy like
Washington couldn't pass.
What are you
talking about, unfair?
Well, let's look at the test.
Here, number three.
When was the Declaration
of Independence signed?
That's a trick question.
What are you talking
about? The answer's 1776.
Kotter.
I don't know if you've noticed,
but, uh, I'm not a happy person.
Now, uh, a winning team
might make me happier.
Not happy, but happier.
Come on, ace, where's
your school spirit?
We can't win this season
without Washington.
Look, Freddie Washington
is more important to me
than a winning
basketball season.
And I'm not gonna do him any
good by giving him a free ride.
You're right, he's a bright
kid, and he could've passed.
The thing is he didn't even try.
Somewhere from someone
he got the idea that
being on the team
is an automatic pass.
Well, uh, now, uh...
You said yourself, Kotter,
you said he could've passed.
That's right.
Why not give him the
benefit of the doubt?
For the team, chicky baby.
For Buchanan. For my job.
I have finished
grading your exams.
And as usual, it was
an amazing experience.
How did Washington do?
I'm afraid he didn't pass.
But he did make
the bulletin board.
Okay, you did right on, Maurice.
Ralph.
Vinnie.
Epstein, you got 65.
You actually got 63,
but I gave you two points
for working under the
influence of bursitis.
You passed, Juan. Hey, come
on. Let's hear it for Epstein.
Hey, what is this? All quiet
on the homeroom front?
A very pleasant change
from the usual mouth-to-mouth
combat we have here.
Hey, you know what's buggin' us?
You want conversation,
we'll talk your ear off.
Just pass Freddie.
Yeah. No.
Why not?
First, it wouldn't be
fair to the rest of you.
Why should Freddie
get special treatment?
Because he is special,
he's gonna be the school's
ace basketball player.
No more special
than you, Epstein.
You're the school's
ace menace to society.
Look, I don't wanna
talk about this anymore.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I got something to say. Now...
I didn't wanna resort
to this, Mr. Kotter.
You leave me no choice.
Let's talk money.
Barbarino, are you
offering me a bribe?
No.
I'm offering you a
percentage of my percentage.
Look, my client here is gonna
be a million dollar property.
You are offering me
a bribe. No. What...
I'm trying... I'm just
saying it's like incentive.
Creative motivation.
It's bribery, Barbarino.
So it's bribery.
Look, what I'm
trying to say is...
you scratch my
back, I scratch yours.
I can't do that. You see,
my wife has an exclusive
on my entire body.
She'd be disturbed if
I came home tonight
with a pre-scratched back.
Is that your final
answer? Sorry.
You're a crummy businessman,
Mr. Kotter, crummy.
If you didn't get
your test, pick it up.
Hey, what's your
angle, Mr. Kotter?
I don't have an angle.
I think that your education is
more important than basketball.
Look, man. My whole
future is riding on this
and you're blowing
everything for me.
A chance at a scholarship,
the pros, rookie of the year,
I mean, hey, look. I don't
need no education for that, man.
What makes you so sure
you're gonna make the pros?
You know, you remind
me a lot of Joe Franklin.
Wow, man, I don't know
no Joe Franklin dude.
You never heard of Joe
Franklin? He was a Sweathog.
Sat right over
here 10 years ago.
Another big basketball player.
My name is Joe Franklin, baby.
I got me a college scholarship.
Picks me up a lot
of easy classes.
Hair Combing 101.
Advanced Toenail Clipping.
But he never
graduated from college,
and he didn't make
the pros either.
So he wound up with
no basketball career,
no education, no nothing.
So, what happened to him?
His father died and left
him a chain of Laundromats.
Today, he's worth
about 6 million dollars.
But he's still stupid.
Look, I don't care
about no Joe Franklin,
do you understand me?
I just know me,
and this is one cat
ain't gonna stop
haggling, can you dig it?
'Cause... 'Cause I'm
good, you know, I'm good.
Face it, Washington,
you're not that good.
There are guys right
here in Buchanan
who are better than you.
Yeah, like who? Who?
Who? Who? Who? Me.
You?
You better stay away
from that blackboard.
I think you must've sniffed
too much of that chalk dust.
Hey, I'm serious, Freddie,
basketball's my game.
And I'm challenging
you, one on one.
Just you, me and the basketball.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, I mean,
you're out of shape,
man. Dig yourself, man.
If you was a building,
you'd be condemned.
3:15 today, 20-point game.
Okay, Mr. Kamikaze.
Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is?
Twenty bucks say I win.
Hey, you know I'm not
gonna play you for money.
Hey, I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
If I win, you take
the make-up test.
And if I win, you pass me.
I can't do that.
Hey. You can do anything.
You're the teacher.
You got a bet.
You'll pass me?
If you win.
Would you mind
putting that in writing?
What for? My word is good.
I know that, but you see,
it's your heart
I'm worried about.
I mean, who's gonna pass me
if you don't live
through the game?
Okay, take it easy, tiger.
Put some wind back and
you'll be all right in a minute.
What's that noise, Kotter?
You mean, uh:
That's the one.
That's my father's noise.
Your father's noise?
That's his father's noise.
I think he's delirious.
I hope the school's
insurance covers this.
Chicky baby, as the
physical education teacher,
can I give you my
professional advice?
You don't look so hot.
What are you trying to
prove out there, Kotter?
Nothing, nothing.
Freddie and I were just having
a little friendly
basketball game
to the death.
Anyway...
he's on the team,
I'm passing him.
You are. You what?
Hey, coach, Mr. Kotter here?
Yes, he's on the
couch lying in state.
Hey, you mind if I talk
to him alone for a minute?
Not at all, but
you better hurry.
I don't think he has
much more time.
Hi there.
The least you could do is sweat.
I did.
Hey, I'm ready to
take that make-up test
if you still want me to.
Hey, I'm the welsher.
You win. You beat
me 20 to 16, you pass.
No, there was no beatin', man.
You scored 16 points
off of me. I mean, you!
I mean, you're almost
twice my age, man.
I mean, you're old
enough to be my...
Older cousin.
Look, I've been thinking.
Maybe I don't have that contract
all sewn up with the Knicks yet.
I just think I better be
covering all my bases.
I think that's a
smart move, Freddie.
You know, man,
you're something else.
I mean, you really surprised
me down there today.
Yeah?
Yeah, you still played
pretty good, you still got it.
Yeah, I got it.
But I can't get
it off the couch.
Give me a hand. Sure.
What is that sound, man? My
father makes that sound too.
You mean, uh:
Your father walk like
this in the morning?
No, my father walks
like this in the morning.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
How do you like my new hat?
I like it. I like you in hats.
Thanks.
Honey.
How come you never wear hats?
When I was young, I always
thought my head was too big.
Too big for what?
For the rest of my body.
All the kids in school
called me Big Head.
That's terrible.
One day I came home
crying. I told my mother:
"Everybody in school is calling
me Big Head. What should I do?"
She said, "Don't pay attention
to those mean children."
And to get my mind off it,
she sent me to the store.
Well, that was a good idea.
Yeah, she said get a
watermelon, dozen eggs,
loaf of bread,
container of milk.
I said, "What am I
gonna carry that in?"
She said, "Why don't
you use your hat?"
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Welcome Back, Kotter
was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
to the old neighborhood
brings back a lot of memories.
I remember when I
was about 9 years old,
this big bully, Tommy
O'Shaughnessy,
would pick on me everyday.
Oh, honey.
I told my father and he said,
"Son, a bully's
nothing but a coward.
"You go up to him tomorrow
and you tell him he's a coward.
I guarantee he'll never
pick on you again."
Good for him.
Next day, I went up to
Tommy, I said, "Look,
"my father explained
to me. You're a coward.
"If you don't bother me anymore,
I won't tell anybody
you're a coward."
You know what he
did? No, what did he do?
Got on his bike, rode
away, went to my house,
and beat up my father.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Gabe, are you awake?
No, I'm asleep.
Come on, it's time
to get up for school.
There's a test today. I don't
wanna go to school today.
Honey, you're a teacher now.
You don't have to take
tests anymore. You give 'em.
Oh, yeah.
You're sore from playing ball
yesterday, aren't you, honey?
No, I'm not.
Well, then what was
that noise you just made?
What noise?
That noise.
I have never heard you
make that noise before.
I don't believe it.
That noise. That's
my father's noise.
That's the noise my father makes
when he gets up in the morning.
But he didn't start to make
that noise until he was 40.
I'm too young to be
making my father's noise.
Go on and take a hot bath,
honey, you'll feel better.
I always hated that noise.
I couldn't stand it when he
started to make that noise.
But he was 40
before... Oh, my God.
What's wrong? This
is my father's walk.
Hey, Vinnie, have
you seen my... Shh.
Horshack, the man
is studying for the test.
Ready. Hey, Washington.
Whoo. Fall back, baby,
have no fear,
Mr. Wonderful is here.
You made the team!
Hey, man, from now on,
it's the easy life for me.
I'm gonna be a star. And
stars ain't got to do nothing but...
shoot baskets. All right.
Hey, Freddie, you're gonna
need a manager, right?
Hey, I'm way ahead of you, baby.
All right, all
right. Now, first,
negotiate the
college scholarship.
Right. Right. And
then, after college,
we sign a fat contract
with the New York Knicks.
Ah, whoo.
You're going to cities,
fringe benefits, commercials.
Hey, you ready for that?
Yeah, I'm ready for
that. All right, let's do one.
A commercial.
Okay, Freddie, you're on.
Hi there.
I'm just sitting here in my
palatial 5th Avenue mansion.
About to have another
generous helping
of my famous Fast Freddie's
French Fried Chicken Fingers.
They're finger chicken good.
Stick with me you'll be
up to your fro in dough.
Oh, and groupies to
be crawling all over you.
Yeah, I never thought
about groupies.
Huh. Maybe I should
try out for the team?
Hey, Epstein, you're
too short. Oh, yeah?
I'll lie about my
height, eh, monsieur?
What is this, The
Flying Wallendas?
Hey.
Okay, as you know, we
are having an exam today,
which explains this green
bucket over here in my right hand.
Epstein and Barbarino,
please roll up your sleeves.
What for?
Hey, come on, it's
against the constitution.
What do you think,
this is democracy here?
Hey, good boy, Epstein.
Look, there's nothing, nothing.
How about this one? What?
This one? Where?
Under there, roll it up.
What, this? Let's
see it, come on.
First constitutional
congress in Philadelphia.
Declaration of
Independence, 1776.
Benjamin Franklin, electricity.
Evelyn, 434-1590.
Ooh.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Leave Evelyn's phone number.
Okay, now the
information is in our heads
and only in our heads.
Arnold, please
distribute the exam.
Oh, sure, Mr. Kotter.
Arnold.
Where you going?
I'm going to
distribute the test.
Distribute them in here, Arnold.
Oh...
Well, Mr. Kotter,
you did not say that.
You see, I feel that
the English language
is a very precise tool.
And you really ought
to learn how to use it.
Distribute the papers. Okay.
Okay, now, keep them turned over
until I tell you to begin.
Hey, Freddie's got some
great news. Go ahead, tell him.
Oh, yeah, Mr. Kotter.
I made the basketball
team, first screening.
Congratulations. Where
are you gonna play, forward?
No, star.
You are looking
at Mr. Versatility.
I mean, I got the
moves of Walt Frazier
and the finesse of
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
All right.
You also got the
modesty of Muhammad Ali.
Let me tell you
something, Mr. Star.
You may not be as
good as you think you are.
So if you are the best,
you ain't gonna play
unless you pass the test.
Ali, if you got it, flaunt it.
And if you ain't got
it, you're Horshack.
Hot soup.
You know, uh, I was a
pretty fair basketball player
when I went to school here.
You?
You?
Why is that so hard to
believe? It's your body.
My body? What's
wrong with my body?
I am in perfect
physical condition.
I-it's just not a
basketball body.
Now, look, hey,
Freddie, stand up.
Now, this... This is
a basketball body.
This is a body for
running and for jumping.
And this...
This is a body for
sitting and spreading.
Well, it's simple.
Basketball, basket case.
Okay, let's quit the stalling.
We got a test to take today.
And I really hope
you've all prepared.
Mr. Kotter, I got
a medical note.
Epstein has got another note.
Surprise, surprise. Okay,
Epstein, let's see this one.
Epstein, is there something
wrong with your arm?
Yeah, could you
get the note for me?
Certainly.
"Dear Mr. Kotter, Juan will not
be able to write today's exam
"because of his bursitis.
Signed: Epstein's mother."
Epstein, did you
write this note?
Oh, no, no, no. Yeah.
I had to write it for my mother
'cause her bursitis is
a lot worse than mine.
Sit down.
Okay, anymore notes?
Excuses?
Diseases?
Religious conflicts?
Okay, now turn your papers over.
You have 30 minutes.
If you get stuck
on one question,
forget about it, go
on to the next one.
All right, begin.
Barbarino. What? What?
Pull up your trousers.
What? Your
trouser leg, roll it up.
What did you have in mind?
Roll up your trouser leg.
What is this?
It's a skin condition.
Skin condition?
Oh, yes.
Looks to me like
mogo on the go-go.
A very serious disease for
which there are no symptoms.
Fortunately, medical science
has come up with a cure.
Lucky I caught it
in its early stages.
Mogo on the go-go.
Hey, got a minute left, come on.
Washington, what are you doing?
Why are you drawing
pictures on your paper?
Who is this? Hey.
That's Superstill, man.
Faster than a speeding forward,
more powerful
than a double lay-up.
You're taking the wrong exam.
Do I look like Miss
Fishbeck, the art teacher?
Only around the mustache.
I need the tests on my desk.
Washington, I wanna see you.
Oh, man.
Mr. Kotter, what are
you harassing him for?
He don't have to
write that exam.
He's on the team,
it means he passes.
It's a fact of life. Fish
gotta swim, birds gotta fly.
The varsity athletes gotta pass.
It's a Buchanan tradition.
Well, you know that I just
love to break traditions?
Look, athletes gotta
pass or they don't play.
There was a
quarterback, Moose Nolan,
he had to write an essay on
his favorite fictional character.
Handed in seven blank pages.
Maybe his favorite fictional
character was the Invisible Man.
But he passed. 'Cause
he was on the team.
That's the way
it is, Mr. Kotter.
That's the way it
was, Mr. Barbarino.
Nobody passes in my
class unless they earned it.
Come back after your last
class, you'll take a make-up test.
No, no deal. Let's go.
You're not gonna
come back, Freddie?
No, I'm not coming back.
You used to play
basketball, didn't you?
That's right.
Boy, have you changed.
I haven't changed.
And I can still play basketball.
Here's Kotter,
dribbling down the court,
see his famous
behind-the-back hook shot.
There it goes.
Uh, Kotter.
You know, we're surprised
that you would give
an unfair test.
And a bright boy like
Washington couldn't pass.
What are you
talking about, unfair?
Well, let's look at the test.
Here, number three.
When was the Declaration
of Independence signed?
That's a trick question.
What are you talking
about? The answer's 1776.
Kotter.
I don't know if you've noticed,
but, uh, I'm not a happy person.
Now, uh, a winning team
might make me happier.
Not happy, but happier.
Come on, ace, where's
your school spirit?
We can't win this season
without Washington.
Look, Freddie Washington
is more important to me
than a winning
basketball season.
And I'm not gonna do him any
good by giving him a free ride.
You're right, he's a bright
kid, and he could've passed.
The thing is he didn't even try.
Somewhere from someone
he got the idea that
being on the team
is an automatic pass.
Well, uh, now, uh...
You said yourself, Kotter,
you said he could've passed.
That's right.
Why not give him the
benefit of the doubt?
For the team, chicky baby.
For Buchanan. For my job.
I have finished
grading your exams.
And as usual, it was
an amazing experience.
How did Washington do?
I'm afraid he didn't pass.
But he did make
the bulletin board.
Okay, you did right on, Maurice.
Ralph.
Vinnie.
Epstein, you got 65.
You actually got 63,
but I gave you two points
for working under the
influence of bursitis.
You passed, Juan. Hey, come
on. Let's hear it for Epstein.
Hey, what is this? All quiet
on the homeroom front?
A very pleasant change
from the usual mouth-to-mouth
combat we have here.
Hey, you know what's buggin' us?
You want conversation,
we'll talk your ear off.
Just pass Freddie.
Yeah. No.
Why not?
First, it wouldn't be
fair to the rest of you.
Why should Freddie
get special treatment?
Because he is special,
he's gonna be the school's
ace basketball player.
No more special
than you, Epstein.
You're the school's
ace menace to society.
Look, I don't wanna
talk about this anymore.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
I got something to say. Now...
I didn't wanna resort
to this, Mr. Kotter.
You leave me no choice.
Let's talk money.
Barbarino, are you
offering me a bribe?
No.
I'm offering you a
percentage of my percentage.
Look, my client here is gonna
be a million dollar property.
You are offering me
a bribe. No. What...
I'm trying... I'm just
saying it's like incentive.
Creative motivation.
It's bribery, Barbarino.
So it's bribery.
Look, what I'm
trying to say is...
you scratch my
back, I scratch yours.
I can't do that. You see,
my wife has an exclusive
on my entire body.
She'd be disturbed if
I came home tonight
with a pre-scratched back.
Is that your final
answer? Sorry.
You're a crummy businessman,
Mr. Kotter, crummy.
If you didn't get
your test, pick it up.
Hey, what's your
angle, Mr. Kotter?
I don't have an angle.
I think that your education is
more important than basketball.
Look, man. My whole
future is riding on this
and you're blowing
everything for me.
A chance at a scholarship,
the pros, rookie of the year,
I mean, hey, look. I don't
need no education for that, man.
What makes you so sure
you're gonna make the pros?
You know, you remind
me a lot of Joe Franklin.
Wow, man, I don't know
no Joe Franklin dude.
You never heard of Joe
Franklin? He was a Sweathog.
Sat right over
here 10 years ago.
Another big basketball player.
My name is Joe Franklin, baby.
I got me a college scholarship.
Picks me up a lot
of easy classes.
Hair Combing 101.
Advanced Toenail Clipping.
But he never
graduated from college,
and he didn't make
the pros either.
So he wound up with
no basketball career,
no education, no nothing.
So, what happened to him?
His father died and left
him a chain of Laundromats.
Today, he's worth
about 6 million dollars.
But he's still stupid.
Look, I don't care
about no Joe Franklin,
do you understand me?
I just know me,
and this is one cat
ain't gonna stop
haggling, can you dig it?
'Cause... 'Cause I'm
good, you know, I'm good.
Face it, Washington,
you're not that good.
There are guys right
here in Buchanan
who are better than you.
Yeah, like who? Who?
Who? Who? Who? Me.
You?
You better stay away
from that blackboard.
I think you must've sniffed
too much of that chalk dust.
Hey, I'm serious, Freddie,
basketball's my game.
And I'm challenging
you, one on one.
Just you, me and the basketball.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, I mean,
you're out of shape,
man. Dig yourself, man.
If you was a building,
you'd be condemned.
3:15 today, 20-point game.
Okay, Mr. Kamikaze.
Why don't you put your
money where your mouth is?
Twenty bucks say I win.
Hey, you know I'm not
gonna play you for money.
Hey, I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
If I win, you take
the make-up test.
And if I win, you pass me.
I can't do that.
Hey. You can do anything.
You're the teacher.
You got a bet.
You'll pass me?
If you win.
Would you mind
putting that in writing?
What for? My word is good.
I know that, but you see,
it's your heart
I'm worried about.
I mean, who's gonna pass me
if you don't live
through the game?
Okay, take it easy, tiger.
Put some wind back and
you'll be all right in a minute.
What's that noise, Kotter?
You mean, uh:
That's the one.
That's my father's noise.
Your father's noise?
That's his father's noise.
I think he's delirious.
I hope the school's
insurance covers this.
Chicky baby, as the
physical education teacher,
can I give you my
professional advice?
You don't look so hot.
What are you trying to
prove out there, Kotter?
Nothing, nothing.
Freddie and I were just having
a little friendly
basketball game
to the death.
Anyway...
he's on the team,
I'm passing him.
You are. You what?
Hey, coach, Mr. Kotter here?
Yes, he's on the
couch lying in state.
Hey, you mind if I talk
to him alone for a minute?
Not at all, but
you better hurry.
I don't think he has
much more time.
Hi there.
The least you could do is sweat.
I did.
Hey, I'm ready to
take that make-up test
if you still want me to.
Hey, I'm the welsher.
You win. You beat
me 20 to 16, you pass.
No, there was no beatin', man.
You scored 16 points
off of me. I mean, you!
I mean, you're almost
twice my age, man.
I mean, you're old
enough to be my...
Older cousin.
Look, I've been thinking.
Maybe I don't have that contract
all sewn up with the Knicks yet.
I just think I better be
covering all my bases.
I think that's a
smart move, Freddie.
You know, man,
you're something else.
I mean, you really surprised
me down there today.
Yeah?
Yeah, you still played
pretty good, you still got it.
Yeah, I got it.
But I can't get
it off the couch.
Give me a hand. Sure.
What is that sound, man? My
father makes that sound too.
You mean, uh:
Your father walk like
this in the morning?
No, my father walks
like this in the morning.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
How do you like my new hat?
I like it. I like you in hats.
Thanks.
Honey.
How come you never wear hats?
When I was young, I always
thought my head was too big.
Too big for what?
For the rest of my body.
All the kids in school
called me Big Head.
That's terrible.
One day I came home
crying. I told my mother:
"Everybody in school is calling
me Big Head. What should I do?"
She said, "Don't pay attention
to those mean children."
And to get my mind off it,
she sent me to the store.
Well, that was a good idea.
Yeah, she said get a
watermelon, dozen eggs,
loaf of bread,
container of milk.
I said, "What am I
gonna carry that in?"
She said, "Why don't
you use your hat?"
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
Welcome Back, Kotter
was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back, welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪