Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Longest Weekend - full transcript

Did I tell you what happened
last week to my Aunt Esther?

You never even told me
you had an Aunt Esther.

Last week, Aunt Esther
was in the living room

when all of a sudden
the doorbell rang.

She answers the door
and there was a young man.

He says, "I have
a telegram for you."

She said, "Young man, you
know what I wanted my whole life?

A singing telegram."

He said, "I'm sorry. This
is not a singing telegram."

She said, "Will you begrudge
an old lady a singing telegram?

Once in her life? Would
you do that to me?"



He said, "All right,
lady, if you want it,

I'll do a singing telegram."

He opened it up and he said:

♪ Ta ra ta ra ta ta ♪

♪ Your sister Rose is dead ♪

♪ It seems that
she died In bed ♪

♪ She was really
great But she was 88 ♪

♪ And your sister Rose is dead ♪

Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪



♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Julie, I'm home.

Hiya.

Well, I see I got
that same old magic.

Tsk, hi.

I didn't hear you come in.

Julie, are you okay, huh?

Look at me.

Look at me!

Look at me.

Look at me.

I'm an intelligent
person. Yes, you are.

I'm a college graduate.

I know, I know that.

What am I doing?

I'm watching meatloaf.

Well, would you
feel more comfortable

if you looked at some
lettuce for a while?

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

Hey, now, what's the problem?

Candy Lieberman came over today.

Oh, well, Candy Lieberman
is a definite problem.

I know that she is not
your favorite neighbor.

Favorite? Julie, we
don't like each other.

Every time I go to take
out the garbage, she boos.

It is not you personally.

It's husbands in general.

She had a very bad marriage.

Of course it was a bad marriage,

she was the wife.

Well, she is thrilled
about being single.

And she was over here
today, flaunting her freedom.

She's going to Vermont
to go skiing this weekend.

Well, big deal, I mean,

you could go skiing
if you wanted to.

That's what I told her.

So she asked me to go with her.

Oh, what did you say?

I told her I'd have
to ask my husband.

Julie, that's just it,

you don't have to ask me.

Look we have a free
and equal relationship.

If one of us wants to do
something, we just do it.

Now, go over and tell Candy

that you'll go skiing
with her this weekend.

I already did.

Without asking me?

Okay, so to ensure our
system of government,

that all men... and women...

have the right to choose
their own way of life,

we fought the Revolutionary War

that winter in Valley Forge.

It was cold, brutal.

Two feet of snow on the ground,

all the lifts were open.

And the instructors
wore tight ski pants.

Excuse me, Mr. Kotter.

Isn't Valley Forge
in Pennsylvania?

Sure, it's in Pennsylvania.

Well, I don't like to be picky,

but you seem to be pointing

somewhere in the neighborhood
of Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Hey, Kotter.

I got a question.

How come they always say,
George Washington slept here?

George Washington slept there?

I mean, who cares where
George Washington slept?

Probably only Martha.

You know somethin'? Hm.

I think he might
have had a thing

going on the side
with Betsy Ross.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Betsy Ross.

She was a little "sew 'n' sew."

Hey, Mr. Kotter,

you think guys like
George Washington, uh...

messed around?

Hey, Epstein, are you kiddin'?

A guy in a powdered
wig is lookin' for trouble.

Man, he'd never make two blocks

in this neighborhood.

Oh, yeah? Well, how do you know

while George was
away, Martha didn't play?

Heh. No.

That's right. Now, who
knows what Martha did?

She might have gone
skiing with Candy Lieberman.

Come here, I wanna talk to you.

He's acting weird.

Let's check him out.

Yeah. Let's check him out.

Hey, Kotter...

we wa... We was all
wondering... I mean...

What's wrong with you today?

What's wrong? FREDDIE: Yeah.

What's wrong with me?

Yeah.

Nothing wrong with me.

Oh, come on. You can't kid us.

I mean, you leave me
no choice but to prove it.

Hey, Kotter...

up your nose with a rubber hose.

Hey, Kotter, you are so low.

You... I mean, you are so low

that you could play
handball up against the curb.

See what I mean?

The old Kotter
wouldn't have taken that.

He's right, Mr. Kotter.

If you was yourself today,

and Vinnie said
them things to you,

why you probably would've
said something like, uh,

"Hey, Vinnie, you know
why you don't got no freckles?

'Cause they probably slide off!"

And then...

Then you probably would've said,

"Hey, Vinnie,

"if you ever jumped off the
George Washington Bridge,

"you'd leave a bathtub ring.

All over on the Hudson River!"

I got the big
finish, the big finish.

"Hey, Vinnie!

They tell me your mother..."

All right, all right,
all right! Aah!

Enough, Horshack, enough.

Hey, Mr. Kotter, look.

We're your friends.

I mean, come on,
level with us, eh?

What's the matter? What's wrong?

There's nothing wrong.

It's just that Julie went
away for the weekend, and...

we've never been
separated before.

Are you and Mrs.
Kotter separated.

Hey, that's a bummer.
Isn't that a bummer?

Who's the other guy?

Hey, look, if you want,

I mean, I'll take
care of him for you.

Hey, it's nothing like that.

She just went away
for the weekend.

Sure, yeah. That's
what they all say.

It's like my sister's husband.

He went away for the weekend.

He ain't been
back in three years.

You know, Freddie is right.

Let me put it to you as
delicately as possible.

You've been dumped.

Take it from me,

there's only one way
to get over a woman.

Find another one.

I happen to know this girl,

she's a little too,
uh, old for me.

She's 19.

Believe me, she's ready to trot.

Ready to trot? BARBARINO: Yeah.

Then take her out
to Yonkers Raceway.

Look, I appreciate your concern,

but Julie just went
skiing for the weekend.

Come on, let's...
Let's leave him alone.

We better go now, all right?
Come on, let's go, guys, right?

She just went skiing
for the weekend.

Hey, Mr. Kotter,
eh... It's not that bad.

My sister's second husband

only stayed away six months.

Be brave.

Little buckaroo.

Uh, Kotter.

Uh, I am the assistant
principal, after all,

and you are just
a teacher but, uh,

if you have some
sort of problem...

Yes, I do have a problem.

You see my wife...

Oh, wife... Uh,
husband-wife problem, uh...

That... I mean, I'm, uh...

never been either
of those, I, uh...

I mean, uh, married.

That is, if you had
a problem, uh...

with, uh, school supplies

or the, uh, teachers'
pension plan...

Listen, Mr. Woodman, Julie and I

have been married
for three years,

and this is the first time
we've been separated.

What...?

Wh-what do you
mean? S-she left you?

Yes. For the weekend.

She went, uh, skiing in Vermont.

A ski weekend in Vermont?

Mr. Woodman, what's wrong?

Kotter, sit down,
would you, please?

I'm gonna tell you something...

very few people know.

I was once engaged
to be married.

To the sweetest, purest
girl who ever lived.

Bunny Sholdenfry.

Bunny Sholdenfry.

We were to be married
on Christmas day.

On the 21st of December,

Bunny went on a... ski
weekend to Vermont.

I don't know if it was
moonlight in Vermont, or...

Max Schlicht in Vermont.

Who was Max Schlicht?

Her ski instructor.

I bet he had tight pants, huh?

And goggles.

Anyway, I, uh... I
never saw Bunny again.

What? You mean
she just vanished?

Oh, no. I, uh... I
heard from her once.

Postcard... from the Alps.

It was during
the war, and, uh...

Max was pretending to be Swiss.

No, Kotter,

I would never let
a woman I loved

spend a ski weekend in Vermont.

So.

You are Julie Kotter, huh?

Well... you're skinny but cute.

Not much meat there,
but what there is, is choice.

I am the fabulously
handsome Max Schlicht, Jr.

What do you say, liebchen?

Let's go mess around
behind a snow drift.

We'll shoosh under the stars.

We'll hotdog our way to heaven.

Come on, cutie pie.

Julie!

Julie, don't do it!

He's not even Swiss!

Look, Marty, I understand.

Hey, I called you the last
minute on a Friday night.

You got plans, right?

Oh, you and Eddie
got dates. Wow.

Two Air Siam stewardesses
are flying in from Bangkok.

Hey, they'll take their shoes
off and walk on your back.

Coffee, tea or hoo-hoo-hoo.

Hey, listen, Marty.

Let's keep in touch, huh?
Give me a call sometime.

Terrific.

Hey, nice talking
to you again, pal.

Bye.

Yeah, two Air Siam stewardesses.

Probably two waitresses
from the bowling alley.

Let's see, who can I call?

It's been so long.

Leon.

Hey, it'd be great to see Leon.

Leon.

Leon!

Hey, Leon! Leon!

It's Gabe!

It's Gabe!

Kotter.

K-O-T-T-E-R.

From the Army.

That's right, Corporal Kotter.

How you doing, Leon?

I'll tell you why I'm calling.

My wife went away
for the weekend,

and I'm thinking,
what should I do?

Then it hits me,
I'll call up Leon,

two old Army buddies who'll
get together and shoot the breeze.

Come on, we'll
kill a Friday night.

No, I didn't know that, Leon.

I mean, how am I
supposed to know that?

I didn't know that
you became a rabbi.

Look, in the Army, you
weren't even Jewish.

Well, I guess that takes
care of Friday night, huh?

Why don't we get
together on a Sunday night?

Terrific, I'll give you a call.

Okay.

Shalom.

Shalom.

S-H-A-L-O-M.

Means "goodbye."

Goodbye, Leon.

Must be a Reform Rabbi.

No, I can't do that.

No.

Barbarino!

It's Mr. Kotter.

What do you mean "what?"

Your teacher, Mr. Kotter.

Where? From school. From where.

Lis... No, listen. Take it easy.

Nothing's missing. I'll
tell you why I'm calling.

Hey, look, I don't wanna get in
the way of plans you've made.

No. No. No. Yeah, no, man.

We wasn't planning
anything... special.

I bet two blues
and three whites.

I forget, how much is that now?

Oh, Mr. Kotter wouldn't
let us play for no money.

So two blues and three whites

are worth two blues
and three whites.

Two blues and three whites.

I'm out. Hey, I
wanna talk to you...

Come on, we're gonna play poker.

It's business. I
gotta talk business.

Come on, we'll talk.

I'll be right back.

I'm out.

Now, um, I know
that you're down.

And I know that
you're depressed.

And I think that you and
me should go out tonight.

All right? Now...

Angel Winetrout has
got this older sister.

She don't care who
she goes out with.

You mean, uh, she
would even go out

with somebody like me?

Oh, yeah, she's...

She's gone out with
guys worse than you.

Put that book away.
Pick it up and put it away.

I don't wanna see that
book here anymore, all right?

Now, look, for the last time,

Julie has gone away
for the weekend.

I trust Julie.

Now, if you can't
trust your wife,

who can you trust, huh?

Read 'em and weep, boys.

A full boat, crying
towel downstairs.

I win, I win, I win... Ah!

Come on, let me call Angel.

We'll... We'll go
meet her sister, eh?

Sit down, Vinnie.

Oh, we should.

We shou... You know
what you should do?

You should deal the
cards, 'cause it's your turn.

I don't wanna hear
anymore about girls, okay?

All right. All right.

What did we come
here for? To play cards.

Right, right.

So are we gonna
play cards or what?

Let's play some cards.

Here it is, they're
on the table.

Vinnie...

Vinnie, what kind
of game is this?

Okay, the name of this game
is Five-Card Four-Head Stud.

Sounds like a movie you
guys aren't old enough to see.

All right, the reason
it's called Five-Card

is on account that everybody
gets five cards, right?

Now, except four of them
are faced up right now.

Now, we'll deal the fifth
one down like this, right?

Bing, bang, bong.

Now...

you don't pick it
up till I count three.

I ain't even counted one yet.

Now, when I count three,

you're gonna pick up the
card... But don't look at it.

And you put it on your forehead.

Wait a second.

You put the card
on your forehead?

Don't you know
anything about poker?

Yeah, I'm just trying to
understand this game.

You got four cards face up.

You put the fifth
card on your forehead.

So now, everybody
knows what you have.

And you're the only one that
doesn't know what you have.

Right. Dumb, dumb
game. Let's do it.

All right, ready?

One... All right, antes.
Come on, let's ante.

Nobody gets a free ride.

No free rides. No
free rides. All right.

Here we go. Now, are we ready?

Uh-huh. All right.
One, two, three.

Shut it.

I'm sorry,

it's just that you all
do look very ridiculous.

Especially you, Mr. Kotter.

I mean, we're just kids,
but you are a grown man

with a two of hearts
on your forehead.

Heh, heh, heh. BARBARINO: Shh.

Well, I guess I'm out, hm.

Ah... I fold.

I'm out too.

Well...

I guess that leaves me
and you, huh, Arnold?

Well, I'm gonna bet,
and I'm gonna bet big.

Make it five whites,

five reds, and five blues.

Uh-oh.

Well, that's it, now, you're
gonna fold now, huh, Horshack?

No.

Five whites...
Uh... He's calling.

Five blues, five reds, and...

another five reds for the kit.

Oh, a raise.

Well, you had your
little fun now, Arnold.

Now, you're gonna fold, right?

Epstein...

I think it's high
time I made a stand.

Horshack.

I fold.

Yeah.

Come on.

Well, that's it, I win.

You guys are somethin' else.

I don't believe you guys.

Hey, look, I gotta go. I mean...

if I don't get home by midnight,

my mother gives my
bed to somebody else.

All right, let's
call it a night.

Hey, what's...? Is
everybody leaving? Come on.

Yeah, we'll go back.

Why don't I put on some records?

We'll have another soda.
I got great old records.

Come on, I got Herman's Hermits.

Gerry and the Pacemakers.

I got a group
you've never heard,

Danny and the Juniors.

You'll really love it.

We'll see you, right?

How about Danny
without the Juniors?

Gerry without his pacemaker?

What's the matter with me?

No wife, no friends.

I've got nothing here.

And why am I here
where there's nothing?

I could be in Vermont
where there's Julie.

And Max Sleesh, Jr.

I just pack up my
suitcase and go to Vermont.

That's it. Simple.

Let me see, Vermont,
it's cold, snow.

Take a sweater,
undershirt, bow tie.

You need a bow tie
to have a ski party.

Everybody's got a bow tie.

Let's see... belt.

I pick a belt, put it
around my pants.

I got a belt, all right.

I get mouthwash, shaving cream.

Here we go mouthwash,
shaving cream, razor.

Okay.

My ears are gonna be cold. I
need something for my ears.

What do I ge...?

Bathrobe.

Wrap a bathrobe around my ears.

My ears will be warm. Great.

Skis. Terrific idea, Julie.

Julie.

What are you doing home?

Oh, I couldn't stand
Candy anymore.

She just never stopped talking.

Oh, what... are you
doing with the suitcase?

Oh, the suitcase? Suitcase.

Oh, well, uh, you know how
you have fire drills in school?

Uh-huh.

Well, I was having
a packing drill.

You see, you never know
when a trip's gonna break out.

Absolutely. You
need a packing drill.

Good, uh-huh.

What went on here tonight?

Oh, this? This...
Well, you see...

I had one of my kinky parties.

I have one every
time you go away.

I missed you.

Didn't you miss me?

Sure... a little.

I could always
catch up with Candy.

I'm sure that she is still
somewhere in Vermont,

talking to an empty chair.

You know I missed you, dummy.

You will go no place.

I am the fabulously handsome

Max Slicht, Jr.

Who?

Max Slicht, Jr.

And it seems we are
snowed in for the weekend.

So why don't we get
comfortable and bundle up?

Um... when you say bundle up,

what exactly do you mean? Heh.

I will show you, liebchen.

It's easier than
falling off skis.

Julie, did you read about this?

They're thinking about
having a lumberjack strike. Oh.

Did I tell you that I have...?

Wait, no.

You have a relative
who is a lumberjack.

That's right, my Uncle Sanford.

Now, he's a small guy,
but a great lumberjack.

One day he goes up to this guy

who's about to
cut a redwood tree.

Big guy, huh? Mm-hm.

Uncle Sanford said,
"Hey, mister, come here.

You're doing this all wrong."

The guy looks at him and says,

"Well, I suppose that you
could do it better, huh?"

He said, "Give me the ax, huh?

Just give me the ax."

One swoop... Vroom.
The whole tree goes down.

The guy can't believe it.

He said, "Where did
you learn to do that?"

Uncle Sanford said, "You wanna
know where I learned to do that?

I learned to do that
in the Sahara Forest."

The guy said, "You meant
the Sahara Desert, didn't you?"

Heh. Uncle Sanford said, "Now."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪