Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 13 - Arrividerci, Arnold - full transcript

When it is announced that Horshack has graduated out of the Sweathogs and into regular classes, Kotter instructs the remaining Sweathogs to shun him so that he can meet people in his new classes.

Julie, did I ever tell you
about my uncle Malcolm,

the traveling salesman?

No, why don't you?

One time, my uncle
Malcolm is in the Duluth.

Checks out of his
hotel, goes to the train,

and he noticed he left his
umbrella in the hotel room.

Well, what did he do?

He went back to the hotel,
went up to the clerk, he said,

"I'm Malcolm Kotter,
the traveling salesman

and I have left my
umbrella in Room 923."

Okay, what did the clerk say?



Clerk said, "Mr. Kotter,
we just rented that room

to a honeymoon couple.

You wanna go up there
and knock, that's up to you."

Well, what did Uncle Malcolm do?

Uncle Malcolm goes
up to the hotel room,

and he's about to
knock on the door

when he hears
from inside the room,

"Whose little eyes are these?"

"Why, they're yours."

"Whose little nose is this?"

"Why, it's yours."

"Well, whose
little neck is this?"

"Why, it's yours."

Uncle Malcolm knocks
on the door and says,



"Listen, when you get to
the little umbrella, it's mine."

Welcome Back,
Kotter is recorded live

before a studio audience.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Okay, in our continuing
unit on the great inventors

today's saga, the story
of Thomas Alva Edison.

The Kotter Repertory Theater
presents a dramatization.

Bravo. Bravo.

Is Thomas Alva Edison at home?

This is Mrs. Edison.

Who shall I say is calling?

It's the devil.

The devil? Did
you say the devil?

Tom. Tom, it's the devil.

Oh, boy. He's here again, huh?

First, he comes 1875.
1876, he shows up.

And now, it's 1877,
he shows up again.

Listen, get lost. I'm
inventing the phonograph.

I don't need you around here.

I don't care about
the phonograph,

I don't care about inventing.

♪ I don't care, I don't care
What peeps think of me ♪

♪ I'm happy-go-lucky
Why some say I'm plucky ♪

Tom, forget about inventing.
Come out with me tonight.

We'll go to a discotheque,

see some go-go
girls, what do ya say?

Get killed with
your go-go girls.

I'm inventing a phonograph.

I don't care, because
if I don't invent it,

my Stevie Wonder albums
won't be worth a nickel.

♪ Da, da, da ♪

Oh! Oh, oh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Arnold, Arnold.

That was very
impressive, Mr. Kotter.

Yes, yes. Never in
this reviewer's memory

has he seen a better
classroom dramatization.

Um, I-I give you four stars.

All right. Well, we'll see
how many stars I give it.

Epstein, who invented
the phonograph?

Uh, let's see, uh,

Thomas Alva Edison
invented the phonograph, right?

In, uh, 1877.

Right after he wouldn't
go boogying with the devil.

Say, hey, hey. Yeah.

Okay, now, forget
about the devil.

Thomas Al... Kotter.

Kotter, the board has advised
me they'd be happy to see

some of your Sweathogs
promoted to regular classes.

I, uh, checked the records,
and I was astonished to see

that, uh, one of your menagerie
has made considerable progress

and is now deemed promotable.

Welcome to the real world...

Arnold Horshack.

Horshack.

Hey, did you hear that Arnold?

He heard.

You killed him.

Arnold, come on, wake up.

Arnold, this is the biggest
moment of your life,

don't sleep through it.

Arnold, quick. Give
me a "Oh, oh, oh."

He's coming to.

What was that name again?

Horshack. Arnold Horshack.

Goodbye, gang.

Goodbye, Mr. Kotter.

It was great fun,

but it was just
one of those things.

Good luck, Arnold. Good luck.

Oh, please, Mr. Kotter!

Tell Mr. Woodman it's a mistake.

Kotter, let that boy go.

Arnold, let go. Arnold...

Arnold, I cannot go through
life with you attached to my leg.

This is not a mistake,
it's not a mistake.

One of my Sweathogs
is moving up in world.

This boy down there is a symbol

that Gabe Kotter is
succeeding as a teacher.

Arnold, I give you the
farewell Sweathog salute.

Up your nose with a rubber hose.

Good luck in the
real world, Arnold.

Oh, sometimes,
this job is a real drag.

Hey, come on,
isn't that terrific?

Mr. Kotter...

Horshack won't be able
to survive in the real world.

I mean, he's special.

You can't put him
with real people.

Oh, boy. Am I glad
to see you guys.

Was I homesick.

Homesick?

You ain't even been gone yet.

Freddie, you don't know
what a regular class is like.

No jokes, no costumes,
no impressions and...

And when I do my
laugh, you know.

The kids won't laugh with me.

They laugh at me.

Hey, look, Horshack.

Uh, why don't you go talk
to Kotter about it, you know.

Like, he's pretty good
about this kind of thing.

Epstein, you do
not seem to realize

that I am Mr. Kotter's symbol
of being a good teacher.

If I go to him, he'll
think he's a bad teacher.

And how can he think
he's a bad teacher

if I am a symbol of him
being a good teacher.

Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, Arnold. You know, I...

I ain't never knew
you was... smart.

Hey, that's it.

Arnold, that got it.

Look, all you gotta do to
get back in that classroom

is to act dumb.

Quick thinking, Vinnie.

But I'd rather not
have to act dumb.

It's something that's gotta
come natural, you know?

Arnold. Oh, Arnold. Look at me.

It's easy acting dumb.

I do it all the time.

I know, Vinnie.

And you're very good at it.

What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Horshack, if ya ask me,

there's only one way
out of this thing, right?

You gotta get
yourself in trouble.

Right. Yeah.

Now, dig.

Speaking as an expert,

trouble is the way to go
to getting yourself noticed.

Right. And for
getting in trouble

you have come to
right man, my friend.

Now, I can get
just you in trouble,

or I can offer the family plan

and get your whole
family in trouble.

All right, guys.

I hate to break up this reunion,

but I think Arnold's gotta
go and make new friends

with his new classmates.

How?

Just walk up to them, you say,

"Hey, I'm Arnold Horshack.

Why don't you come up
and see my lunchbox?"

Don't worry about
nothing, ya hear?

We got ya covered, man.

Shalom, amigo.

Go get 'em.

Has it occurred to any of you

that by trying to help
Horshack you're hurting him?

You're not giving him a
chance to prove himself

outside the Sweathogs.

You gotta let him try
and make new friends.

Something wrong
with his old friends?

Yeah.

You couldn't give
friends like us away.

You got a point there, Epstein.

Look, I mean, if
Benjamin Franklin's wife

didn't tell him to go fly a kite

we'd all be standing
here in the dark.

Napoleon would be
just another short person.

Abe Lincoln wouldn't
have been president.

There'd be some
stranger on a five-dollar bill.

If you really care
about Horshack...

I mean, really care about him.

You gotta let him go.

Trust me.

Hey, look, uh,

I don't wanna hurt
Horshack, you know?

Yeah, he's our friend.

Yeah, I mean, I'm
not gonna be the guy

that stops Horshack
from being president.

I mean, if the people want him.

Hey, hey.

I got all the way to my
new class when I realized

I don't wanna make new friends.

So I'm available.

So, what's everybody
planning on doing?

Well, in a couple of minutes,

I gotta go over to
Ben Franklin Hotel.

I'm gonna meet a
friend of mine there

in the Abe Lincoln Room,

and I think I'll
have a Napoleon.

Good.

Ar... Arnold. Arnold.

Oh, you see, um...

See, Arnold, like, um...

See, I-I-I got... I got
basketball practice.

See, and like, um...

Like, I'm gonna see you later.

Check you all later.

Bye-bye.

Hey, Juan, you wanna
play a trick on me?

I'm open to anything.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd love to, man.

But I gotta go... study.

Well, I guess that leaves
you and me, huh, Vinnie?

Yeah, that's right.

Arnold, you wouldn't believe it.

I get this phone call, right?

Bonzo Maredy.

I haven't seen him for years.

He says to me, "Hey,
Vinnie, we gotta get together,

do some business."

I said, Bonzo, now?

He says, "Yeah, now."

Bing, bang, bong.

I'm stuck in a corner.

I gotta go, Arnold.

I'm sorry.

Well, Arnold.

I'm really proud
of you, you know.

We all are.

You made it out
of the Sweathogs.

I'm gonna see you around, huh.

Symbol.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams Were
your ticket out... ♪

Heat.

Send up heat.

Why are you talking
to that radiator?

You know that that
radiator doesn't listen.

Why don't you try
talking to the oven?

Because, the oven is food heat.

The radiator is people heat.

What about if we get together
and generate a little body heat?

Oh, that's a terrific idea.

But first, you stop
pretending that you're not cold.

And you go downstairs
and talk to the super.

I'm not cold. You're
the one that's cold.

So why don't you go
talk to Mr. Schmeiler?

You would like me, your wife,

to go down to the
basement alone.

There are things
in the basement.

Large, hairy things.

Well, let's not discuss
Mrs. Schmeiler.

Look, I do not want to
go see Mr. Schmeiler.

Mr. Schmeiler happens
to be a very mean man.

Okay, just remember...

body heat rests
on your decision.

That's blackmail.

You got it.

Blackmail. Mm-hm.

Arnold!

What are you doing here?

I said, what are you doing here?

Hello, Mrs. Kotter,

I gotta talk to you alone.

Well, how did you know
that I would be alone, Arnold?

Oh, see, I'm the one
who turned down the heat.

Come on, Arnold. Sit down.

Mrs. Kotter, I got a
favor to "aks" of you.

Aks, Arnold. Aks.

Mrs. Kotter, do you
think that you could use

your multi-faceted female charms

to get Mr. Kotter
to like me again?

Mr. Kotter likes you, Arnold.

Arnold, you should be proud.

Just think of the
example that you're setting

for all the other Sweathogs.

Ha! to that, Mrs. Kotter.

Ha, ha.

Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Ah, Mrs. Kotter.

See, that's not what they
want me or need me for.

See, Vinnie. Vinnie needs me
so that he could feel important,

you know?

And... And Juan needs me

so that he could feel strong.

And... And... And
Freddie needs me...

I don't know why
Freddie needs me.

But you never know
when he might need me.

Hey, Mrs. Kotter,

do you think it's
unmanly to cry?

Oh, no, Arnold, of course not.

Am I crazy?

Or do I see Arnold Horshack

nestled to my wife's bosom?

Do not get the wrong
idea, Mr. Kotter.

This is not one of
them kinky scenes.

Uh, Julie, I know that you
was trying to keep warm,

but this is
absolutely ridiculous.

The heat's on.

Oh, good.

Excuse me, Arnold.

I'm gonna go sit
on the radiator.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Okay, Mr. Kinky, what's up?

Oh, hey, I just
come by to tell you

how great things
is going for me.

I sure am one happy
symbol of good teaching.

Happy, happy,
happy. Happy, happy.

Oh, by the way, Mrs. Kotter,
that thing we was talking about?

Yeah? If you do not help me,

I am gonna throw myself
off of the highest mountain

in Brooklyn.

And when they find me...

If they find me.

They'll never know who I was.

John Doe... Horshack.

A Slavic legend in his own time.

Call it a sixth sense, Julie,

but I get the feeling that
something is bugging him.

Wha...?

Something is bugging him?

The poor kid is miserable,

and he is not gonna learn
anything in that new class

if he doesn't wanna be there.

You're right.

Let me put it up, just halfway.

What are you doing?

Halfway, compromise, huh?

You're right, I was wrong.

Horshack only started to do
good because he felt he belonged.

How you doing?

What's hanging? Hi, there.

Hey. You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna tell you
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna put a
door on my window.

That way, you'll
come through the door.

You know something?

It's cold in here.

Yeah.

You could freeze
off your fandangos.

Okay, look, Mr. Kotter, we
come on a mission of mercy.

Yeah. Man, we wanna know

if we can stop being
mean to Horshack yet.

Yeah, I was thinking about that.

I was wrong, you
guys were right.

Horshack definitely
belongs with the Sweathogs.

All right. All right.

I'll go talk to Mr. Woodman.

I'll explain the entire
thing to him rationally,

and I'm sure he'll understand.

Hey, hey, Mr. Kotter,

now, you don't believe
that now, do you?

I mean, why don't we...

sort of con Mr. Woodman
into giving us Horshack back.

You wanna con him? Yeah.

What are you gonna do?

Trap him in a motel
room with a cheerleader?

Well, you know what we mean.

Like the way you
con us in class.

You know, the way
you dramatize to...

To sneak your
point across, I know.

Yeah. Yeah, you see we
thought we'd put on a little play

for old Woodman, you know.

Sort of convince him
to see things our way.

Yeah. VERNAJEAN: Mm-hm.

Right this way,
Mr. First-nighter.

Front row center,
Mr. First-nighter.

For your comfort,
a-mister, a-first, a-nighter.

What...? What do you
people think you're doing?

This, Mr. Woodman,

is a dramatization,
a little play.

Just pretend you're spending
an evening at a theater.

I hate the theater, Kotter.

Last time I went to a play
they robbed my house.

Shh, shh!

Presenting the
little Sweathogs in...

Come Back, Little
Arnold. Take 1.

Boy...

without Horshack's
calming influence,

I really feel mean.

And I think I'll go
out and bite a tree.

Ow!

Oh, woe is me and begorra.

Where is Horshack,

the little chap

who adds a note of
laughter to me life?

Look.

Here comes Horshack now.

Hello. How are ya?

I'm Arnold Horshack.

Horshack, you have returned.

Our life had lost all meaning

without our little
friend, Horshack,

to lend a helping hand.

Here, Vinnie.

Here's my helping hand.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

Ooh, ooh, ooh. Ooh.

Ooh.

I don't got no mustache.

Mr. Woodman, what is
going on here, please?

Don't ask me, I'm
Mr. First-nighter.

Arnold, we were acting.
Actually, we were overacting.

But we're just trying
to show Mr. Woodman

how much we care about you.

Do you guys really mean that?

Hey, look, Horshack, you know,

we kid around a lot, right?

But we really missed you.

Yeah.

You know, I never really
thought I would miss you, but...

ah, you sort of grow on a guy.

Like mold.

Ah, thank you, Freddie.

Hey, I miss you guys so much.

I am truly gratified to
learn that you miss me too.

Oh, Mr. Woodman.

Look at me.

Look at both of me.

Look at the look on my faces.

Ah, please, Mr. Woodman,
give us a break.

Lest you forget,

we are a symbol
of good teaching.

Yes, and someday

they're gonna name a wing
here at Buchanan after us.

They'll call it the
Horshack wing.

Stop that flapping.

You're making a draft.

I can't let you back
in this classroom

how will you keep
your grades up?

I'll help him.

Mr. Woodman, if Arnold
learned anything to get ahead,

he learned it in this classroom.

You wanna know
why? I'll tell you why.

Because for someone to learn

they gotta feel secure,

they have to feel
like they belong.

All right, Horshack,

get back where you
belong, with Kotter's bunch.

All right.

Oh, I thank you all very much.

You know in my other class,
every time I made a joke,

the teacher said,

"School is not a
laughing matter."

And I said,

Oh, yeah? You should
try Mr. Kotter's class.

Welcome back, Horshack.

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

Hey, did I tell ya about the
present my cousin Howard

gave my aunt Bernice
for her birthday?

No, why don't you
tell me about it?

Well, they're very rich

and my aunt Bernice
has everything, right?

So he figured he'd
get something different.

He went to a pet store, and
got my aunt Bernice a parrot

that speaks seven languages.

He goes in, the
parrot's there and goes,

Sprechen sie Deutsch?

Terrific parrot.

Right. Okay.

Did Aunt Bernice like it?

Well, he came back the next
day and that's what he said,

"Aunt Bernice, do
you like the parrot?"

She said, "Oh, that
parrot was delicious."

He said, "You ate that parrot?

That parrot cost 5000 dollars,
it spoke 7 different languages."

Well, what did she say?

"It should've said something."

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams Were
your ticket out... ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪

♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪

♪ Since you hung around ♪

♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪

♪ And they've turned around ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪

♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪

♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪

♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪

♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Cause we got him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪

♪ Yeah we tease him a lot ♪

♪ Cause we got him On the spot ♪

♪ Welcome back ♪