Welcome Back, Kotter (1975–1979): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Great Debate - full transcript
Kotter arranges a debate between the Sweathogs and the debate team.
Where are we gonna
go on our next vacation?
How about Miami?
Did I ever tell you what
happened to my uncle in Miami?
No.
He went there. Big convention.
He had his secretary with
him. And he got to the hotel late.
"Mr. Kotter, you were supposed
to be here this afternoon.
"Now we gave your rooms
away. We only have one room left.
"If you want us to, we
can install twin beds
for you and your secretary."
What did he say?
What could they do? They
had to take the twin beds.
In the middle of the night,
the secretary gets up,
she goes, "Psst.
"Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter,
could you get up and shut
the window? I'm a little chilly."
He says, "Well,
if you're chilly,
would you like to pretend
that you're Mrs. Kotter tonight?"
She goes, "Oh,
Mr. Kotter, I'd love to."
He said, "Good, get up and
shut the window yourself."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
So, what do you think?
I think it has a sort of a...
A quiet intensity.
What do you think?
Oh, yeah? I thought it had
more of a noisy, relaxed quality.
Ah, quite.
Hey, Horshack, what
do you think it's sayin'?
It's saying, "Hello.
"How are ya?
I'm a wall filled with paint."
[BELL RINGS]
He's coming, he's coming.
Good morning, people.
ALL: Good morning, Mr. Kotter.
We're all in our places
with bright shiny faces.
Excuse me, I was
looking for my class.
This is my class.
All right, what's the big idea?
It's a present for
you, Mr. Kotter.
Thanks a lot.
What do you call this anyway?
Moonlight Over Garbage?
FREDDIE: Hey, man.
Just be cool, man.
It's only water paint,
it'll come off easy.
Look, you know what it's like?
It's like... It's
like those murals
at the U.N. that
tells a story. Well,
this is our story.
The greatest story ever told.
The history of the Sweathogs.
[ALL CHEERING]
Oh, yes, I can see it.
This must be the first
group of Sweathogs.
And there's me on
opening day of school.
Wadding up some paper
and getting ready to
throw out the first spitball.
Oh, and there's Vice
Principal Woodman catching it.
In his ear.
Oh, and this must be
me on my first date.
With good ol' "Ya-ha" Feldman.
Here we are on the
beach at Coney Island.
And here's me and Ya-ha
spreading our blanket
on the beach at Coney Island.
ALL: Ooh.
KOTTER: And there we,
uh... Well, moving right along.
Here I am, I guess, coming
back to my old school.
To teach a brand-new
group of Sweathogs.
And here's that group,
painting this mural on the wall.
And this is the
part I like best.
That same group
going into the closet,
getting mops, sponges,
soap and water,
and cleaning all
this junk off the wall.
All right. I can dig it.
I'm the new teacher, everybody
tries to get the new teacher.
You're trying to live
up to your reputation.
I want you to promise
me something.
Clean this off the wall
and tell me you're never
gonna do anything like this again.
Hey, hey, man, whatever
you want, all right? You got it.
Hey, um, dig, while we're at it,
you want us to do your jacket?
My jacket?
Yeah, see we had a
little paint left over...
So we repainted
the top of the desk.
Oh, boy.
ALL: Oh, boy.
Hello, Alex.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute,
now, say that again.
Alex, I am not one of
your drama students.
"Hello, Alex," come on, say it
again. Just the way you said it.
Hello, Alex.
Lovely. Lovely delivery.
It's simple. It's convincing.
Gutsy. Utterly to the point.
"Hello, Alex."
I don't know what it
is, guy, but you got it.
If you liked that,
you're gonna love this:
Go away, Alex.
Cute. You know, I bet
if you did your laundry
before you came to school,
you wouldn't be so depressed.
I am not depressed.
But I don't know how much longer
I can hold out with
you in the room.
Whoa, now there
is a snappy retort.
"I don't know how much longer
I can hold out with
you in the room"
I'll have to borrow that
line for my new play.
What for? It's probably
gonna be no better
than your other two
un-produced plays.
A Streetcar Named Shirley.
And then there was your
biggie, Fiddler On My Sister.
Okay, big guy...
I don't think there's any reason
to take it out on old Alex here,
just because your Sweathogs
can't express themselves
in a socially acceptable way.
Like my debating
class, for example.
You know, I really wish you
wouldn't call 'em Sweathogs.
I mean, it's okay if they
call themselves Sweathogs
or if I call them Sweathogs,
but outside of that class,
no enlightened educator
would call a child a Sweathog.
Kotter,
do you know what your
Sweathogs have done now?
They have switched the
signs on the restroom doors.
The men's room is
now the ladies' room,
the ladies' room is
now the men's room.
I mean, I just walked
in to wash my hands.
Poor Miss Fishbeck
will never be the same.
Mr. Woodman, try
to be understanding,
Gabe can't help
it if his students
are still pre-civilized.
All right, look, Welles,
they may be underachievers,
but they're
basically bright kids.
I'd put 'em against your
class any day of the week.
Oh, like in a formal
debate? Heh, heh.
Yeah. Why not?
Welles, are you wearing
your ascot too tight?
I mean, I can't allow this.
Listen, I will assume
full responsibility
for the safety of my charges.
Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Wait a minute. Say that again.
What? "Don't worry,
Mr. Woodman."
Just the way you said it.
Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Beautiful. Terrific.
But you did it
better the first time.
Now say it again, "Don't
worry, Mr. Woodman."
Don't worry... No,
no, no, no, no, no.
More gutsy. Right.
Right. Think about what you're
saying. Pear-shaped tones.
BOTH: Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Now say it right to him.
Get down to his level.
Put your arm out. Okay,
now think about this man.
This man is you in
20 years. Now say it.
BOTH: Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Okay, man, that's good
enough. He should like that.
Um, sir, as you see,
I told you it'd come right off.
All right, good.
Now that the history of
the Sweathogs is history,
I wonder if you people are aware
that there's other ways
to express yourselves.
Like, uh, with
words, for instance.
Hey, words are
great, Mr. Kotter.
You know, I use
'em all the time.
As a matter of fact, I just used
words to tell you I use words.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Very good, Epstein.
And in the interest
of teaching you people
a bit more about words, I have
decided to form a debate team.
♪ Yes, my friends
A debate team ♪
♪ That's a team
That uses words ♪
♪ Words with bite
Words with snap ♪
♪ Words that put us on the map ♪
♪ Not the basketball team
Not the baseball team ♪
♪ Not the football team
But the debate team ♪
♪ We're the capital D
And that rhymes with... ♪
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
D also stands for ding-a-ling.
Just think of a
debate as sort of a,
uh, rumble with words.
Do you mean like,
"Up your nose with
a garden hose"?
Not insults,
Barbarino. Facts. Logic.
With each side arguing
an opposite point of view.
Hey, Kotter.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] [LAUGHS]
All right, it was
just a thought.
Take out your workbooks.
You're too chicken to mix it up
with Mr. Welles' debating class.
You mean the turkeys?
Us afraid of the turkeys?
You mean those
weirdoes wanna debate us?
Hey, man, I'll beat the
words out them birds.
We'll stuff 'em. Fricassee 'em.
We... We... [LAUGHS]
KOTTER: Okay, Horshack,
good. That's the spirit.
Get up here, you
take the affirmative,
or the yes argument.
HORSHACK: Okay.
Yes! I give you a definite yes.
Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
Horshack? Yes!
I haven't given you a topic yet.
Ah, who needs a topic?
We'll debate 'em
without a topic.
Yeah, we'll pluck the turkeys.
That's it. That's our topic.
Plucking turkeys?
No, resolve. Humans
are naturally aggressive.
Aggression. That
sounds like fun.
KOTTER: Okay, Horshack, go.
Ahem.
Speaking for the
affirmative side,
I would like to ask you
all to support aggression.
Why do I ask you to
support aggression?
I ask you to support aggression
because it is everywhere.
Especially there.
And there. And there.
Thank you.
[ALL CHEERING]
All right, that
was fine, Arnold.
Epstein, now you get
up and take the rebuttal
or the no argument.
EPSTEIN: Sure.
No argument.
Epstein, you have
to prove to Horshack
that people don't
have to be aggressive.
Uh, proof, you want pr...
Okay, I'll give you proof.
Hey, Arnold,
people don't gotta be
aggressive, do they?
No. No, they don't.
I lied, I lied. I swear, I lied.
People don't gotta
be aggressive.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm really good
at this rebuttin'
stuff, you know.
Okay, do we have a
debate team? ALL: Yeah.
♪ Yes, my friends We
got a debate team ♪
♪ Right here at James
Buchanan With a capital B ♪
And that rhymes with D!
And that stands for debate.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Ah, good morning, Mr. Woodman.
Ready for the great debate?
I am ready, Kotter,
to see you make a complete
and utter fool of yourself.
How's that, Mr. Woodman?
That's exactly what
I might expect...
from a man who
expects his Sweathogs
to outdebate the debate class.
Well, now, uh, I'll run
down and get the turkeys.
I mean, the debate class.
And mind you,
Kotter... No trouble.
Mr. Woodman, you
won't recognize my kids.
I told them to make
sure they behave
like ladies and gentlemen, and
to dress in a dignified manner.
They're not people, Kotter.
Come on, come on, come on.
Is this what you call
a dignified manner?
Hey, man. Don't sweat it,
man. This is part of our...
intricate plan to psyche
out the opposition.
This is a debate!
You're supposed
to psyche 'em out
with words, not with clothes.
Look, you want me to
remove the suspenders?
I'll remove the suspenders.
But there ain't much dignity
in a pair of pants
dropping to the floor.
[LAUGHS]
And what about my
top hat, Mr. Kotter?
Top hats is real dignified.
Where'd you get it,
Arnold? Murray lent it to me.
Murray? Who's Murray?
Who's Murray? Murray the Horse.
Murray the Horse
loaned you his top hat?
Yeah.
And you.
You look like you
come with a $95 funeral.
This coat... This coat was worn
at the famous
Lincoln-Douglas debate.
This coat was worn at the
famous Lincoln-Douglas debate?
I wore this coat when
my father, Lincoln,
was beating the daylights
out of my brother, Douglas.
Get up, Epstein.
You're supposed to come
here prepared for a debate.
Not a pirate attack.
Hey, I'm representing my people.
[IN LATINO ACCENT]
As a matter of fact, honey,
this outfit was worn by
my great-great grandmother
when she fought on San Juan Hill
for the Puerto Rican Jews.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Hey, not only that,
she was a dead ringer
for Teddy Roosevelt.
Yeah, my great-great
grandfather kept on telling her:
"Ruth, trim the sideburns,
shave the moustache."
[LAUGHS]
Epstein, close your
mouth, sit on your sword.
ALL: Ooh.
All right, and you.
What are you supposed to
be? Our very own cheerleader?
You got it, Mr. Kotter.
Give me an S, give me a W,
give me an E-A-T.
Rosalie, give it
to me later, okay?
The turkeys are comin',
the turkeys are comin'.
Good morning, Sweathogs.
And welcome to your Waterloo.
Thanks for not taking
sides, Mr. Woodman.
What do you got here, guy,
a costume party? Heh, heh.
Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Is that what you
think, Mr. Welles?
They're the costumes
from your last play.
[ALL LAUGHING]
The subject agreed
upon is resolved.
Humans are naturally aggressive.
Ah, speaking for the
negative, Mr. Welles' team.
Speaking for the
affirmative, Kotter's bunch.
Give me an S, give me a W,
give me an E-A... Rosalie.
What? Give it to me later.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Will you check your
reference material please?
New York Times article, 1972.
"Is There a Human
Instinct for Peace?"
Check.
"Study of the Arctic Eskimos.
They've Never Known a War."
Check.
"Anthropological Report
on the Tassidy Tribe:
A People Without Aggression."
Check.
Your turn, bubby.
KOTTER: You call that research?
We're gonna show
you what research is.
What?
The research that you
prepared for this debate.
Research material. The
last words of Jack the Ripper:
"I never met a person
I didn't wanna kill."
Check.
Attila the Hun's
speech to his troops:
"Trample everyone in sight."
Check.
My father to my mother:
"Now you hit him,
Margie, my arm is tired."
Oh, we need a timekeeper.
HORSHACK: Ooh, ooh, me, me.
Oh, could I be the
timekeeper? Please?
Can he tell time, Kotter?
You've heard of, uh, Big Ben?
That's Small Arnold.
All right, here. Here's this.
Now, uh, constructive speeches
will be limited to four minutes.
Uh, rebuttals to two minutes.
Let's begin.
Okay, um, Washington.
You lead the troops.
I never did this before, man.
You don't have
anything prepared?
I never talked in public before.
You never talked
anywhere in public?
Only in church.
Well, do what you
have to do. Get up there.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Brothers and sisters,
we are gathered here today
because I intend to prove
that people are born
naturally aggressive.
It's as old as...
a-as mankind itself.
SWEATHOGS: Oh, yeah!
I... I seen it in
the history book.
And I seen it on the streets!
[SWEATHOGS CHEERING]
Now the question,
which is a lot easier
and a lot better, is hard.
But the sooner you learn,
I said the sooner you learn,
the easier your life gonna be.
Hallelujah!
Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman,
Washington isn't
following the rules.
He isn't following
the rules. Ah, Judy,
let us just begin our side's
extraordinarily dramatic
rebuttal, shall we?
Todd, if you please. Thank you.
But he isn't
following the rules.
Judy, heh, give it
to me later, okay?
SWEATHOGS: Hi, Todd.
Friends and
esteemed adversaries...
Time's up.
Friends and incompetents.
SWEATHOGS: Ooh.
It can be said, categorically,
that aggression is not
intrinsic to human nature.
Save for our opponents,
who have yet to prove
that they're human.
Hey, off my case, potato face.
Time out, time out.
Time out, here.
What? What? Come here.
Just what do you all
think you're doing, huh?
Look, this is cool,
trust us, you'll
see. No, it's not...
I don't mind their
interruptions, Mr. Kotter,
they're just proving
what they are.
Oh, yeah? You know
what you are, Todd?
You're white bread.
Um, for example,
if every time you
take a Sweathog
and you punch him in the face,
you repeatedly
tell him to shut up.
How can we shut up?
You said we weren't human.
Yeah, we're
animals. Just shut up!
Time's up. Next.
Ha, ha. Shut up!
Come on, you're blowing it.
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY] Come on.
He ain't blowing
it, man. He blew it.
That's, uh, heh...
That's quite an aggressive
boy you've got there, Alex.
WOODMAN: This debate is
called on account of dumbness.
That's right. Kotter, the young
man was obviously provoked.
No, Alex, I think he did
some provoking himself.
And I think we proved our point.
Even the finest student
is capable of aggression.
But notice, some people
were able to control it.
Ah, Mr. Kotter, I just have
one thing to say to you.
Go ahead.
In your socks with
a pound of locks.
Our plan worked, man.
It was a terrible
plan, Washington.
But it was a plan. And
I'm proud of you for trying.
And you look
great in the outfits.
But we got a very
long way to go.
Rosalie, give it to me now.
Give me an S, give me a W,
give me an E-A-T.
ALL: Give me an H, give me an O,
give me a G-G-G.
Sweathogs.
Whoo!
Did I tell you I saw
Larry Simon yesterday?
No.
He was walking down
the street like this:
What did he have in his hands?
That's what I said.
"Hey, Larry, what do
you have in your hands?"
He said, "A toad."
A toad? That's
what I said, "A toad?"
Well, where was he
going with the toad?
That's what I said.
"Hey, Larry, where are
you going with a toad?"
He said he was taking
the toad to the zoo.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
Yeah. Except I saw him today,
and he was still walking
down the street like this:
I thought you said he
took the toad to the zoo?
That's what I said.
I said, "Larry, didn't you
take the toad to the zoo?"
He said, "Yeah, but today
I'm taking him to the movies."
♪ Welcome back... ♪
KOTTER: Welcome Back,
Kotter was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
go on our next vacation?
How about Miami?
Did I ever tell you what
happened to my uncle in Miami?
No.
He went there. Big convention.
He had his secretary with
him. And he got to the hotel late.
"Mr. Kotter, you were supposed
to be here this afternoon.
"Now we gave your rooms
away. We only have one room left.
"If you want us to, we
can install twin beds
for you and your secretary."
What did he say?
What could they do? They
had to take the twin beds.
In the middle of the night,
the secretary gets up,
she goes, "Psst.
"Mr. Kotter, Mr. Kotter,
could you get up and shut
the window? I'm a little chilly."
He says, "Well,
if you're chilly,
would you like to pretend
that you're Mrs. Kotter tonight?"
She goes, "Oh,
Mr. Kotter, I'd love to."
He said, "Good, get up and
shut the window yourself."
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
So, what do you think?
I think it has a sort of a...
A quiet intensity.
What do you think?
Oh, yeah? I thought it had
more of a noisy, relaxed quality.
Ah, quite.
Hey, Horshack, what
do you think it's sayin'?
It's saying, "Hello.
"How are ya?
I'm a wall filled with paint."
[BELL RINGS]
He's coming, he's coming.
Good morning, people.
ALL: Good morning, Mr. Kotter.
We're all in our places
with bright shiny faces.
Excuse me, I was
looking for my class.
This is my class.
All right, what's the big idea?
It's a present for
you, Mr. Kotter.
Thanks a lot.
What do you call this anyway?
Moonlight Over Garbage?
FREDDIE: Hey, man.
Just be cool, man.
It's only water paint,
it'll come off easy.
Look, you know what it's like?
It's like... It's
like those murals
at the U.N. that
tells a story. Well,
this is our story.
The greatest story ever told.
The history of the Sweathogs.
[ALL CHEERING]
Oh, yes, I can see it.
This must be the first
group of Sweathogs.
And there's me on
opening day of school.
Wadding up some paper
and getting ready to
throw out the first spitball.
Oh, and there's Vice
Principal Woodman catching it.
In his ear.
Oh, and this must be
me on my first date.
With good ol' "Ya-ha" Feldman.
Here we are on the
beach at Coney Island.
And here's me and Ya-ha
spreading our blanket
on the beach at Coney Island.
ALL: Ooh.
KOTTER: And there we,
uh... Well, moving right along.
Here I am, I guess, coming
back to my old school.
To teach a brand-new
group of Sweathogs.
And here's that group,
painting this mural on the wall.
And this is the
part I like best.
That same group
going into the closet,
getting mops, sponges,
soap and water,
and cleaning all
this junk off the wall.
All right. I can dig it.
I'm the new teacher, everybody
tries to get the new teacher.
You're trying to live
up to your reputation.
I want you to promise
me something.
Clean this off the wall
and tell me you're never
gonna do anything like this again.
Hey, hey, man, whatever
you want, all right? You got it.
Hey, um, dig, while we're at it,
you want us to do your jacket?
My jacket?
Yeah, see we had a
little paint left over...
So we repainted
the top of the desk.
Oh, boy.
ALL: Oh, boy.
Hello, Alex.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute,
now, say that again.
Alex, I am not one of
your drama students.
"Hello, Alex," come on, say it
again. Just the way you said it.
Hello, Alex.
Lovely. Lovely delivery.
It's simple. It's convincing.
Gutsy. Utterly to the point.
"Hello, Alex."
I don't know what it
is, guy, but you got it.
If you liked that,
you're gonna love this:
Go away, Alex.
Cute. You know, I bet
if you did your laundry
before you came to school,
you wouldn't be so depressed.
I am not depressed.
But I don't know how much longer
I can hold out with
you in the room.
Whoa, now there
is a snappy retort.
"I don't know how much longer
I can hold out with
you in the room"
I'll have to borrow that
line for my new play.
What for? It's probably
gonna be no better
than your other two
un-produced plays.
A Streetcar Named Shirley.
And then there was your
biggie, Fiddler On My Sister.
Okay, big guy...
I don't think there's any reason
to take it out on old Alex here,
just because your Sweathogs
can't express themselves
in a socially acceptable way.
Like my debating
class, for example.
You know, I really wish you
wouldn't call 'em Sweathogs.
I mean, it's okay if they
call themselves Sweathogs
or if I call them Sweathogs,
but outside of that class,
no enlightened educator
would call a child a Sweathog.
Kotter,
do you know what your
Sweathogs have done now?
They have switched the
signs on the restroom doors.
The men's room is
now the ladies' room,
the ladies' room is
now the men's room.
I mean, I just walked
in to wash my hands.
Poor Miss Fishbeck
will never be the same.
Mr. Woodman, try
to be understanding,
Gabe can't help
it if his students
are still pre-civilized.
All right, look, Welles,
they may be underachievers,
but they're
basically bright kids.
I'd put 'em against your
class any day of the week.
Oh, like in a formal
debate? Heh, heh.
Yeah. Why not?
Welles, are you wearing
your ascot too tight?
I mean, I can't allow this.
Listen, I will assume
full responsibility
for the safety of my charges.
Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Wait a minute. Say that again.
What? "Don't worry,
Mr. Woodman."
Just the way you said it.
Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Beautiful. Terrific.
But you did it
better the first time.
Now say it again, "Don't
worry, Mr. Woodman."
Don't worry... No,
no, no, no, no, no.
More gutsy. Right.
Right. Think about what you're
saying. Pear-shaped tones.
BOTH: Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Now say it right to him.
Get down to his level.
Put your arm out. Okay,
now think about this man.
This man is you in
20 years. Now say it.
BOTH: Don't worry, Mr. Woodman.
Okay, man, that's good
enough. He should like that.
Um, sir, as you see,
I told you it'd come right off.
All right, good.
Now that the history of
the Sweathogs is history,
I wonder if you people are aware
that there's other ways
to express yourselves.
Like, uh, with
words, for instance.
Hey, words are
great, Mr. Kotter.
You know, I use
'em all the time.
As a matter of fact, I just used
words to tell you I use words.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Very good, Epstein.
And in the interest
of teaching you people
a bit more about words, I have
decided to form a debate team.
♪ Yes, my friends
A debate team ♪
♪ That's a team
That uses words ♪
♪ Words with bite
Words with snap ♪
♪ Words that put us on the map ♪
♪ Not the basketball team
Not the baseball team ♪
♪ Not the football team
But the debate team ♪
♪ We're the capital D
And that rhymes with... ♪
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
D also stands for ding-a-ling.
Just think of a
debate as sort of a,
uh, rumble with words.
Do you mean like,
"Up your nose with
a garden hose"?
Not insults,
Barbarino. Facts. Logic.
With each side arguing
an opposite point of view.
Hey, Kotter.
[BLOWS RASPBERRY] [LAUGHS]
All right, it was
just a thought.
Take out your workbooks.
You're too chicken to mix it up
with Mr. Welles' debating class.
You mean the turkeys?
Us afraid of the turkeys?
You mean those
weirdoes wanna debate us?
Hey, man, I'll beat the
words out them birds.
We'll stuff 'em. Fricassee 'em.
We... We... [LAUGHS]
KOTTER: Okay, Horshack,
good. That's the spirit.
Get up here, you
take the affirmative,
or the yes argument.
HORSHACK: Okay.
Yes! I give you a definite yes.
Yes. Yes.
Yes. Yes.
Horshack? Yes!
I haven't given you a topic yet.
Ah, who needs a topic?
We'll debate 'em
without a topic.
Yeah, we'll pluck the turkeys.
That's it. That's our topic.
Plucking turkeys?
No, resolve. Humans
are naturally aggressive.
Aggression. That
sounds like fun.
KOTTER: Okay, Horshack, go.
Ahem.
Speaking for the
affirmative side,
I would like to ask you
all to support aggression.
Why do I ask you to
support aggression?
I ask you to support aggression
because it is everywhere.
Especially there.
And there. And there.
Thank you.
[ALL CHEERING]
All right, that
was fine, Arnold.
Epstein, now you get
up and take the rebuttal
or the no argument.
EPSTEIN: Sure.
No argument.
Epstein, you have
to prove to Horshack
that people don't
have to be aggressive.
Uh, proof, you want pr...
Okay, I'll give you proof.
Hey, Arnold,
people don't gotta be
aggressive, do they?
No. No, they don't.
I lied, I lied. I swear, I lied.
People don't gotta
be aggressive.
Hey, Mr. Kotter, I'm really good
at this rebuttin'
stuff, you know.
Okay, do we have a
debate team? ALL: Yeah.
♪ Yes, my friends We
got a debate team ♪
♪ Right here at James
Buchanan With a capital B ♪
And that rhymes with D!
And that stands for debate.
[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
Ah, good morning, Mr. Woodman.
Ready for the great debate?
I am ready, Kotter,
to see you make a complete
and utter fool of yourself.
How's that, Mr. Woodman?
That's exactly what
I might expect...
from a man who
expects his Sweathogs
to outdebate the debate class.
Well, now, uh, I'll run
down and get the turkeys.
I mean, the debate class.
And mind you,
Kotter... No trouble.
Mr. Woodman, you
won't recognize my kids.
I told them to make
sure they behave
like ladies and gentlemen, and
to dress in a dignified manner.
They're not people, Kotter.
Come on, come on, come on.
Is this what you call
a dignified manner?
Hey, man. Don't sweat it,
man. This is part of our...
intricate plan to psyche
out the opposition.
This is a debate!
You're supposed
to psyche 'em out
with words, not with clothes.
Look, you want me to
remove the suspenders?
I'll remove the suspenders.
But there ain't much dignity
in a pair of pants
dropping to the floor.
[LAUGHS]
And what about my
top hat, Mr. Kotter?
Top hats is real dignified.
Where'd you get it,
Arnold? Murray lent it to me.
Murray? Who's Murray?
Who's Murray? Murray the Horse.
Murray the Horse
loaned you his top hat?
Yeah.
And you.
You look like you
come with a $95 funeral.
This coat... This coat was worn
at the famous
Lincoln-Douglas debate.
This coat was worn at the
famous Lincoln-Douglas debate?
I wore this coat when
my father, Lincoln,
was beating the daylights
out of my brother, Douglas.
Get up, Epstein.
You're supposed to come
here prepared for a debate.
Not a pirate attack.
Hey, I'm representing my people.
[IN LATINO ACCENT]
As a matter of fact, honey,
this outfit was worn by
my great-great grandmother
when she fought on San Juan Hill
for the Puerto Rican Jews.
[NORMAL VOICE]
Hey, not only that,
she was a dead ringer
for Teddy Roosevelt.
Yeah, my great-great
grandfather kept on telling her:
"Ruth, trim the sideburns,
shave the moustache."
[LAUGHS]
Epstein, close your
mouth, sit on your sword.
ALL: Ooh.
All right, and you.
What are you supposed to
be? Our very own cheerleader?
You got it, Mr. Kotter.
Give me an S, give me a W,
give me an E-A-T.
Rosalie, give it
to me later, okay?
The turkeys are comin',
the turkeys are comin'.
Good morning, Sweathogs.
And welcome to your Waterloo.
Thanks for not taking
sides, Mr. Woodman.
What do you got here, guy,
a costume party? Heh, heh.
Tacky, tacky, tacky.
Is that what you
think, Mr. Welles?
They're the costumes
from your last play.
[ALL LAUGHING]
The subject agreed
upon is resolved.
Humans are naturally aggressive.
Ah, speaking for the
negative, Mr. Welles' team.
Speaking for the
affirmative, Kotter's bunch.
Give me an S, give me a W,
give me an E-A... Rosalie.
What? Give it to me later.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Will you check your
reference material please?
New York Times article, 1972.
"Is There a Human
Instinct for Peace?"
Check.
"Study of the Arctic Eskimos.
They've Never Known a War."
Check.
"Anthropological Report
on the Tassidy Tribe:
A People Without Aggression."
Check.
Your turn, bubby.
KOTTER: You call that research?
We're gonna show
you what research is.
What?
The research that you
prepared for this debate.
Research material. The
last words of Jack the Ripper:
"I never met a person
I didn't wanna kill."
Check.
Attila the Hun's
speech to his troops:
"Trample everyone in sight."
Check.
My father to my mother:
"Now you hit him,
Margie, my arm is tired."
Oh, we need a timekeeper.
HORSHACK: Ooh, ooh, me, me.
Oh, could I be the
timekeeper? Please?
Can he tell time, Kotter?
You've heard of, uh, Big Ben?
That's Small Arnold.
All right, here. Here's this.
Now, uh, constructive speeches
will be limited to four minutes.
Uh, rebuttals to two minutes.
Let's begin.
Okay, um, Washington.
You lead the troops.
I never did this before, man.
You don't have
anything prepared?
I never talked in public before.
You never talked
anywhere in public?
Only in church.
Well, do what you
have to do. Get up there.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Brothers and sisters,
we are gathered here today
because I intend to prove
that people are born
naturally aggressive.
It's as old as...
a-as mankind itself.
SWEATHOGS: Oh, yeah!
I... I seen it in
the history book.
And I seen it on the streets!
[SWEATHOGS CHEERING]
Now the question,
which is a lot easier
and a lot better, is hard.
But the sooner you learn,
I said the sooner you learn,
the easier your life gonna be.
Hallelujah!
Mr. Woodman, Mr. Woodman,
Washington isn't
following the rules.
He isn't following
the rules. Ah, Judy,
let us just begin our side's
extraordinarily dramatic
rebuttal, shall we?
Todd, if you please. Thank you.
But he isn't
following the rules.
Judy, heh, give it
to me later, okay?
SWEATHOGS: Hi, Todd.
Friends and
esteemed adversaries...
Time's up.
Friends and incompetents.
SWEATHOGS: Ooh.
It can be said, categorically,
that aggression is not
intrinsic to human nature.
Save for our opponents,
who have yet to prove
that they're human.
Hey, off my case, potato face.
Time out, time out.
Time out, here.
What? What? Come here.
Just what do you all
think you're doing, huh?
Look, this is cool,
trust us, you'll
see. No, it's not...
I don't mind their
interruptions, Mr. Kotter,
they're just proving
what they are.
Oh, yeah? You know
what you are, Todd?
You're white bread.
Um, for example,
if every time you
take a Sweathog
and you punch him in the face,
you repeatedly
tell him to shut up.
How can we shut up?
You said we weren't human.
Yeah, we're
animals. Just shut up!
Time's up. Next.
Ha, ha. Shut up!
Come on, you're blowing it.
[YELLING INDISTINCTLY] Come on.
He ain't blowing
it, man. He blew it.
That's, uh, heh...
That's quite an aggressive
boy you've got there, Alex.
WOODMAN: This debate is
called on account of dumbness.
That's right. Kotter, the young
man was obviously provoked.
No, Alex, I think he did
some provoking himself.
And I think we proved our point.
Even the finest student
is capable of aggression.
But notice, some people
were able to control it.
Ah, Mr. Kotter, I just have
one thing to say to you.
Go ahead.
In your socks with
a pound of locks.
Our plan worked, man.
It was a terrible
plan, Washington.
But it was a plan. And
I'm proud of you for trying.
And you look
great in the outfits.
But we got a very
long way to go.
Rosalie, give it to me now.
Give me an S, give me a W,
give me an E-A-T.
ALL: Give me an H, give me an O,
give me a G-G-G.
Sweathogs.
Whoo!
Did I tell you I saw
Larry Simon yesterday?
No.
He was walking down
the street like this:
What did he have in his hands?
That's what I said.
"Hey, Larry, what do
you have in your hands?"
He said, "A toad."
A toad? That's
what I said, "A toad?"
Well, where was he
going with the toad?
That's what I said.
"Hey, Larry, where are
you going with a toad?"
He said he was taking
the toad to the zoo.
Oh, well, that makes sense.
Yeah. Except I saw him today,
and he was still walking
down the street like this:
I thought you said he
took the toad to the zoo?
That's what I said.
I said, "Larry, didn't you
take the toad to the zoo?"
He said, "Yeah, but today
I'm taking him to the movies."
♪ Welcome back... ♪
KOTTER: Welcome Back,
Kotter was recorded live on tape
before a studio audience.
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Your dreams
Were your ticket out ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ To that same old place
That you laughed about ♪
♪ Well, the names
Have all changed ♪
♪ Since you hung around ♪
♪ But those dreams
Have remained ♪
♪ And they've turned around ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Who'd have thought
They'd lead ya ♪
♪ Back here where we need ya? ♪
♪ Back here Where we need ya? ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Yeah, we tease him a lot ♪
♪ 'Cause we've got
him On the spot ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back Welcome back ♪
♪ Welcome back ♪