Weird Loners (2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Weird Pilot - full transcript
Four very different individuals end up sharing a Queens townhouse.
At the time this picture
was taken, not one of these
fourth graders had ever
been married or engaged
or in any kind of long-term relationship.
But as they grew into adulthood,
all of them found love and paired off.
All of them except one.
In a world of happy
couples, there are those
who just can't seem to figure it out.
They're often intelligent,
attractive, decent people,
but still they remain alone.
Why?
Why does love elude them now
and perhaps forever?
How did this happen,
Marty?
I mean, wow, we had it.
That amazing, magical connection
that some people wait their
whole lives for, but...
You, you were always
terrified of the intimacy.
Weren't you?
I could see it in your eyes
the very first day we met.
Which was Wednesday.
I tried to make you
feel safe. I really did.
I tried on Wednesday, I tried yesterday,
and I would've tried today,
but you went off to play
in that volleyball game,
which I later found out
actually was coed... whatever.
What are you even talking about?
We got wasted and humped in a lifeboat.
Twice, Marty.
We can build on that.
Are you open to couples counseling?
- Check, please.
- I was gonna order dessert.
- What's up, chief?
- Got some bad news, Stosh.
We're letting you go.
You're jerking my chain, right?
No. It was Donald's decision.
He asked me to tell you.
Well, what was Donald's reason, huh?
Well, come on, Adam,
this is a load of crap.
I-I've been the top
sales rep here nine years.
Nine years. What was his reason?
He says you banged his fiancée.
That is...
that is possible.
But come on, man.
It takes two to tango. Am I right?
I mean, is it my fault
that she's a wild woman?
Did I get her that hit of ecstasy?
- He says you did, yes.
- Hey, she asked me to.
I can show you all the
texts back and forth.
It's over, Stosh.
What is your problem anyway, huh?
At your age, still living the way you do.
You some kind of sex addict or something?
Hey, I got the same sex
drive as everybody else.
I just don't have the drive
to do all that other horse...
Clean out your office.
You know what?
Zara?
- Going out, hon?
- Yes.
To get breakfast.
When do you think you'll be back?
Um, probably... never-ish.
Wait.
Y-You're moving out?
You were just gonna vanish
without saying a word?
No. There's a muffin basket coming later.
I thought things were so good between us.
I know you did, David.
Look, like everything in this universe,
love has its own natural lifespan.
And then, in one heartbreaking moment,
it's gone.
And this is that moment?
What, right now? Oh, God, no.
It was, like, in April or something
when you tattooed my name on your arm.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
This is mine.
What kind of person could be
so passionate and loving one day
and then just go completely cold?
What kind of person is that?
Two down, bottom of the ninth...
He won't give him nothing to hit.
He should be smart and
take the bases on balls.
Pop, you are totally and amazingly wrong.
He should wait for the curve.
Mom would've agreed with me.
Yeah, she would've been wrong, too.
Take the bases on...
Here's the 3-2 pitch.
Swinging, fouled off back this way.
Oh, you see that? He was...
Right after the game
tonight, the Mets will head
to the airport for a
three-city road trip...
St. Louis, Colorado and Atlanta.
Pop?
And they'll finish that off next weekend.
Oh...
No, no, no, no. Pop.
Here is the 3-2 pitch on the...
Swinging!
Hey, Mom. Cruise ship just got in.
Oh, welcome home, darling.
So, did you meet anyone?
I met a great guy the first day,
but he didn't like me
as much as I liked him.
And... neither did the two after that.
Oy. What are you doing on
a singles cruise anyway?
Howard is such a
wonderful man and a doctor.
Why don't you just accept his proposal
and be done with this nonsense?
No.
You do not select well, Caryn.
Always the bad boys with the swagger
and the tight blue jeans.
You know what I think?
I think that's what gets you... excited.
Duh.
Grow up already and marry Howard!
And I know you're playing
a game on your phone.
That vindictive ass bag.
Sorry to impose, Sue.
But, hell, a man's got a right
to get into his own home, doesn't he?
You know, those bastards can take away
their company-owned condo.
They can't take away my dignity.
Or my watches.
Or my Italian suits. Oh, boy.
Or my salon-grade microdermabrasion kit.
All right.
Aren't you gonna wish me luck?
- Just jump.
- All right then.
See you.
Oh, right in the gonads!
Mother of ass!
Are we done here or...?
You got time for a quick drink?
Oh, you need some help?
Uh, no, thanks. I got it.
I live here.
In this one.
Yeah, you're sock puppet guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do puppet shows
on the steps sometimes.
For the kids.
I've never seen any kids.
My father died.
What?
My father died.
I heard you. I'm just, um...
I'm sorry.
He was a good guy.
Mmm...
Molly?
Molly, are you home?
Ew! Who are you?
Um, I came to the party last night,
and I wound up having
sex with your daughter.
Oh, Caryn, hi! How was the cruise?
Oh, Logan, this is
my roommate/landlady Caryn.
Oh, nice to meet you, man.
All right.
Isn't he great?
Is he wearing my underwear?
Mine were too small. I'm gonna go shower.
And then I'll totally help you clean up.
Hey, lady?
You seen my twin brother?
Thanks.
This has to stop being my life.
_
_
_
Send.
No emoticons, no emoticons, no emoticons.
We have gathered here today
to pay our final respects
to Melvin...
Le-window.
Lewandoski.
Lavan-dusty.
Melvin was born in 1935
in the small Polish town
of Cha... Cha...
Czestochowa.
Cheska-wawa.
Psst! Eric?
- In 1963...
- Hey! Cousin Stosh!
Yeah.
It's been a long time.
How you doing?
Great! Oh.
Except I got some bad news for you.
My dad died.
Yeah, man.
I know. I read it in the obits. I mean...
Wait. Gotta hear this.
Welcome into the world
their one and only child Eric...
Lavan-dusty.
That's me.
So, then after high school,
I got a job working nights on the bridge.
And kept living here so I
could take care of Ma and Pop.
Did that for about three years.
And then...
and then I just kept doing it.
So is the place kind
of how you remember it?
Hasn't changed since '89.
Literally not one thing.
You know, I missed you, Cousin Stosh.
Yeah? You miss having
some stupid douche bag put
slush balls down your back?
I mean, not just any stupid douche bag.
It was you.
Hey, listen, Eric.
If you need some help with
the transition and whatnot,
I'd be happy to move out
of my place in the city
and come stay here for
a while, if you like.
That would be... awesome!
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
All right, thanks!
Thank... I mean, good, good.
This is good. You know what?
I'm gonna go get my stuff.
But here's what I want you to do for me.
I want you to get outside.
Get in the sunshine and try
to enjoy your life for a change, huh?
Enjoy my life. Yeah.
- I'm gonna give that a shot.
- All right.
Do me a favor... get some
new stuff for the walls,
'cause if I have to sleep here
with your picture everywhere,
I'll never choke the sheriff again.
- First day of your new life. Go!
- Okay.
You're totally gonna
choke the sheriff here!
Hi. Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Hey.
Ma'am, um, my cousin,
he told me to buy some art.
So what would be good art to buy?
It's, like, for, like, a wall.
Uh, well, uh, maybe if there's a piece
that you find disturbing.
- Hmm.
- One that makes you experience
an emotion that you're
deeply uncomfortable with.
I'll take this one.
Uh...
Uh, those paintings aren't mine actually.
These are.
Oh! Oh, okay. Ooh.
I'll take this one then definitely.
Yeah, it's a lot better
than that weird kitten.
Shoot.
Is it more than $16?
It's $16 exactly.
What?!
Okay, great!
Uh, here you go. It's all singles.
Thanks, man.
Cool. It's humongous.
- So I-I just hang it up on my wall?
- Yup.
Oh, whoa!
Breezy!
Hey, how far do you
have to walk with that?
Uh, just across the bridge to Queens.
- Oh.
- I'll be okay.
Oh.
Okay, whisk two eggs.
Do not overcook pasta.
Okay.
Okay, just chop things.
If you chop things, you are cooking.
All right, all my stuff is in the truck.
Caryn, I think it's mad cool
that you're finally getting married.
Yes, I am! Thank you, Molly.
Okay, bye!
Bye.
Wow.
Nice first day.
Hey!
Damn it! Ow!
Now what?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Who are you?
- I'm staying with my cousin next door.
You know him... husky, sort of weird...
- Sweet, a little odd.
- Kind of stupid, yeah.
Anyway, is your apartment on fire?
No.
Maybe.
Let's have a look.
Come on in.
Holy hell, what happened in here?
I was trying to cook
dinner for my fiancé.
Fiancé. Fiancé.
Wow, that is one of those words
that sounds strange if you say it a lot.
Or even once.
So, you need help salvaging the meal?
- Oh.
- I kid.
Of course you do.
You are so good at this.
Are you, like, a real chef or something?
Professionally? No, no.
I've got a much sexier job than that.
Which is?
VP of sales at a dental products firm.
I know, I know.
It's like meeting Springsteen, right?
I'm in the dental field, too. A hygienist.
Small world.
Small, incredibly boring world, yes.
You know what? Make yourself useful.
Okay.
So, tell me about the lucky guy,
Mr. Fiancé.
Howard? Howard.
He's great.
He is a widower.
He is a loving father and
a wonderful dermatologist.
Hmm.
He has a...
dog, uh...
You know, he's not exactly Ryan Gosling,
but I'm not exactly
whatever the female
equivalent of Ryan Gosling is.
Scarlett Johansson.
The point is, he loves me.
Howard Blatt loves me.
And he is kind to me.
And he will take care of me.
And I finally realized that
- that's actually all I want in a man.
- Hmm.
Are you single?
Yeah.
Divorced, actually.
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
How long were you together?
Week and a half.
Got a girl pregnant, couldn't hack it,
ran for the hills.
Well, relationships are hard.
Yeah.
You're very sexy.
Okay, um...
Do you always hit on engaged women?
Not always.
No. I can stop if you want me to.
No, I'm good.
But I don't even know your name.
Stosh.
Stosh?
- It's Polish.
- Oh.
I was born in Poland.
The country?
As opposed to what?
I don't know.
And you are?
I am Jewish.
Well, adopted by the Jews.
No, I meant... I meant your name.
Oh, right, right.
"Jewish" isn't my actual name.
Can you imagine? Jewish Goldfarb.
Redundant.
Oh, my God.
Caryn! I'm Caryn.
Caryn.
Nice to meet you, Caryn.
Oh, my God, that's Howard.
I'm coming! Then get rid of Howard.
- It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
Monkey buns? You here?
Howard!
Hi.
- Who's this?
- Stosh.
Lewandoski.
- Neighbor.
- Oh, hey. Howard Blatt.
Great to meet you.
So what brings you by here, Stosh?
I was actually helping Caryn to cook
for the engagement party,
which was supposed to be
a surprise, Howard!
So you can meet the whole gang from...
the book club.
The book club gang!
Mmm.
Spaghetti.
Oh, here's a good one.
Okay, those are my sons.
That's Bartholomew, he's 11.
And then Milton just turned eight.
Aw, now who's this little fellow?
He looks just like you.
Th-That is me.
So, Howard, the boys
must be pretty excited
about their future step-mom to be, huh?
Uh...
It's a bit of a work in
progress at the moment.
Milton has some...
- Pretty violent tantrums.
- minor concerns.
But I'm sure he's gonna be
fine once Caryn moves in,
and he sees what a
beautiful person she is.
Aw...
A-And the medication will help a lot, too.
Just read that article I
gave you, but you're so sweet.
Hey, speaking of reading, I'd love to know
what's the last book you folks have read?
Well, it's a novel about a woman
who's in her late 30s who
decides to become a nun.
Very sad story.
It's called The Death of Passion.
Actually, she's in her mid-30s.
And it was crap.
Passion is such a fleeting thing.
That's why I'm a big fan of masturbation.
Me, too!
Hey...
That's awesome.
Um... Stosh?
I-I need your expertise in
the kitchen with the cheese.
Ow! What was that for?
The looks, the comments.
You are ruining my engagement party.
Hey, it's my engagement party.
I pulled this whole thing together.
On very short notice, I might add.
Now, come on.
You don't want to marry this guy.
Why do you have such a hard
time respecting my choice?
I don't know.
I guess it's a choice I'd
expect from someone less...
hot.
Thank you.
But, you know,
people make their choices
for very different reasons.
Well, you and I made some
interesting choices earlier tonight.
That was just a momentary
lapse in judgment.
You strode in here with
your hair and your pants,
and you fixed my smoke alarm, okay?
That is a lot to throw at a girl
who's been drinking
Chablis since lunchtime.
Well, it was nice though, wasn't it?
No! N...
Yes!
And that is the problem.
I always go for guys like you,
who offer me nothing but
pleasure and excitement.
And at a certain point,
a girl has to give those
things up for stability.
And that moment happens
the second she turns 35,
which I just did.
Two years ago.
So I am gonna marry Howard.
And that thing that happened between us,
no matter how nice or pleasurable
it may have been,
can never, ever happen again,
not with you, not with
anyone, ever, ever again.
Son of a bitch!
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Mr. President ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Well, uh, thank you, Marilyn.
Now let us proceed to
have sexual intercourse
with great vigor.
Thank you.
Howard.
We need to talk.
I can't marry you.
I thought it was the right thing for me,
but it's not.
It's just not.
And I am so sorry
that I put you through this.
Howard...
You know, Caryn, I'm not blind.
I know I wasn't your dream come true.
But I really loved you.
And I was kind of hoping that was enough.
I'm sorry that it wasn't.
Nice meeting everybody.
Sorry I ruined the book club.
- Good-bye! Nice meeting you!
- Bye, Howard.
Hey.
We followed you after you
staggered out of the house.
Yeah, we thought it best to
keep a respectful distance
until you were done
crying and punching trees
and trying to steal
other people's children.
Plus, Eric wanted a churro.
I would give you some,
but Stosh tried to
take it, so I licked it.
Think that's gonna stop me?
Stosh...
Thank you.
You know, Eric, I always thought
you were the weird loner on the block.
But tonight I realized
it's me.
If I were normal, I would be her.
Marrying a man I truly loved,
who loved me back just as much.
Or a little bit more for safety.
But I can't get there.
What is wrong with me?
What are they saying to each other?
What does it sound like
when all the pieces fit?
You're in luck.
I read lips.
That is lucky.
Okay, let me see.
Uh...
"The love you share is a blessed gift
bestowed upon us by our Lord
and savior, Jimmy Carter."
Or "Johnny Carson."
It's a "J.C." name, I do know that.
Those are just hard to get sometimes.
"Maytag, Hickey.
Would you like to replace your cows?"
"Maytag, the moment we
met, I thought to myself,
"'Damn, them some tig old bitties.'
And then some other stuff
happened, and now here we are."
"Darling, our love
"is forever symbolized
"by this blood diamond, the
value of which could feed
"and vaccinate a third-world
country, but whatevs.
It makes my friends super jealous."
"Speaking of your friends, I can't decide
"which of the bridesmaids
I want to bang more,
"number two or number three, or both.
I feel like if three was into
it, two would get on board."
"My beloved, if you so
much as look at them again,
I will divorce your
testicles from your body."
"And now,
"by the powder infested in bees
by Jiminy Cricket..."
Or "Jim Carrey." It's one
of the two, I can't tell.
I'm pretty sure it's Jim Carrey.
"I now pronounce you Malomites.
You may fist with pride."
I still want to do it.
Enough of this. I see an
open bar with our name on it.
Just blend in, just blend in.
All right.
I'm having so much fun right now.
I never want to go home!
I don't have a home!
Shh! Yes, you do!
I'm giving you my house.
Oh, my God! Thank you!
Do you need a roommate?
I just gave away my house to someone.
Two! Three!
I'm totally getting married!
Ooh, anyone want to hit a strip club?
Uh, we need to stop at home first.
I got to get these pink
roses in water ASAP.
You may be a whole bag of crazy,
but the prize for weird loner
goes to the big guy at the end.
- Thank you.
- Um, Stosh, you do realize
- you're gonna die alone, too, right?
- God willing, Cindy.
- It's Caryn.
- Whatever.
was taken, not one of these
fourth graders had ever
been married or engaged
or in any kind of long-term relationship.
But as they grew into adulthood,
all of them found love and paired off.
All of them except one.
In a world of happy
couples, there are those
who just can't seem to figure it out.
They're often intelligent,
attractive, decent people,
but still they remain alone.
Why?
Why does love elude them now
and perhaps forever?
How did this happen,
Marty?
I mean, wow, we had it.
That amazing, magical connection
that some people wait their
whole lives for, but...
You, you were always
terrified of the intimacy.
Weren't you?
I could see it in your eyes
the very first day we met.
Which was Wednesday.
I tried to make you
feel safe. I really did.
I tried on Wednesday, I tried yesterday,
and I would've tried today,
but you went off to play
in that volleyball game,
which I later found out
actually was coed... whatever.
What are you even talking about?
We got wasted and humped in a lifeboat.
Twice, Marty.
We can build on that.
Are you open to couples counseling?
- Check, please.
- I was gonna order dessert.
- What's up, chief?
- Got some bad news, Stosh.
We're letting you go.
You're jerking my chain, right?
No. It was Donald's decision.
He asked me to tell you.
Well, what was Donald's reason, huh?
Well, come on, Adam,
this is a load of crap.
I-I've been the top
sales rep here nine years.
Nine years. What was his reason?
He says you banged his fiancée.
That is...
that is possible.
But come on, man.
It takes two to tango. Am I right?
I mean, is it my fault
that she's a wild woman?
Did I get her that hit of ecstasy?
- He says you did, yes.
- Hey, she asked me to.
I can show you all the
texts back and forth.
It's over, Stosh.
What is your problem anyway, huh?
At your age, still living the way you do.
You some kind of sex addict or something?
Hey, I got the same sex
drive as everybody else.
I just don't have the drive
to do all that other horse...
Clean out your office.
You know what?
Zara?
- Going out, hon?
- Yes.
To get breakfast.
When do you think you'll be back?
Um, probably... never-ish.
Wait.
Y-You're moving out?
You were just gonna vanish
without saying a word?
No. There's a muffin basket coming later.
I thought things were so good between us.
I know you did, David.
Look, like everything in this universe,
love has its own natural lifespan.
And then, in one heartbreaking moment,
it's gone.
And this is that moment?
What, right now? Oh, God, no.
It was, like, in April or something
when you tattooed my name on your arm.
What the hell is wrong with you?!
This is mine.
What kind of person could be
so passionate and loving one day
and then just go completely cold?
What kind of person is that?
Two down, bottom of the ninth...
He won't give him nothing to hit.
He should be smart and
take the bases on balls.
Pop, you are totally and amazingly wrong.
He should wait for the curve.
Mom would've agreed with me.
Yeah, she would've been wrong, too.
Take the bases on...
Here's the 3-2 pitch.
Swinging, fouled off back this way.
Oh, you see that? He was...
Right after the game
tonight, the Mets will head
to the airport for a
three-city road trip...
St. Louis, Colorado and Atlanta.
Pop?
And they'll finish that off next weekend.
Oh...
No, no, no, no. Pop.
Here is the 3-2 pitch on the...
Swinging!
Hey, Mom. Cruise ship just got in.
Oh, welcome home, darling.
So, did you meet anyone?
I met a great guy the first day,
but he didn't like me
as much as I liked him.
And... neither did the two after that.
Oy. What are you doing on
a singles cruise anyway?
Howard is such a
wonderful man and a doctor.
Why don't you just accept his proposal
and be done with this nonsense?
No.
You do not select well, Caryn.
Always the bad boys with the swagger
and the tight blue jeans.
You know what I think?
I think that's what gets you... excited.
Duh.
Grow up already and marry Howard!
And I know you're playing
a game on your phone.
That vindictive ass bag.
Sorry to impose, Sue.
But, hell, a man's got a right
to get into his own home, doesn't he?
You know, those bastards can take away
their company-owned condo.
They can't take away my dignity.
Or my watches.
Or my Italian suits. Oh, boy.
Or my salon-grade microdermabrasion kit.
All right.
Aren't you gonna wish me luck?
- Just jump.
- All right then.
See you.
Oh, right in the gonads!
Mother of ass!
Are we done here or...?
You got time for a quick drink?
Oh, you need some help?
Uh, no, thanks. I got it.
I live here.
In this one.
Yeah, you're sock puppet guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I do puppet shows
on the steps sometimes.
For the kids.
I've never seen any kids.
My father died.
What?
My father died.
I heard you. I'm just, um...
I'm sorry.
He was a good guy.
Mmm...
Molly?
Molly, are you home?
Ew! Who are you?
Um, I came to the party last night,
and I wound up having
sex with your daughter.
Oh, Caryn, hi! How was the cruise?
Oh, Logan, this is
my roommate/landlady Caryn.
Oh, nice to meet you, man.
All right.
Isn't he great?
Is he wearing my underwear?
Mine were too small. I'm gonna go shower.
And then I'll totally help you clean up.
Hey, lady?
You seen my twin brother?
Thanks.
This has to stop being my life.
_
_
_
Send.
No emoticons, no emoticons, no emoticons.
We have gathered here today
to pay our final respects
to Melvin...
Le-window.
Lewandoski.
Lavan-dusty.
Melvin was born in 1935
in the small Polish town
of Cha... Cha...
Czestochowa.
Cheska-wawa.
Psst! Eric?
- In 1963...
- Hey! Cousin Stosh!
Yeah.
It's been a long time.
How you doing?
Great! Oh.
Except I got some bad news for you.
My dad died.
Yeah, man.
I know. I read it in the obits. I mean...
Wait. Gotta hear this.
Welcome into the world
their one and only child Eric...
Lavan-dusty.
That's me.
So, then after high school,
I got a job working nights on the bridge.
And kept living here so I
could take care of Ma and Pop.
Did that for about three years.
And then...
and then I just kept doing it.
So is the place kind
of how you remember it?
Hasn't changed since '89.
Literally not one thing.
You know, I missed you, Cousin Stosh.
Yeah? You miss having
some stupid douche bag put
slush balls down your back?
I mean, not just any stupid douche bag.
It was you.
Hey, listen, Eric.
If you need some help with
the transition and whatnot,
I'd be happy to move out
of my place in the city
and come stay here for
a while, if you like.
That would be... awesome!
- Yeah?
- Yeah!
All right, thanks!
Thank... I mean, good, good.
This is good. You know what?
I'm gonna go get my stuff.
But here's what I want you to do for me.
I want you to get outside.
Get in the sunshine and try
to enjoy your life for a change, huh?
Enjoy my life. Yeah.
- I'm gonna give that a shot.
- All right.
Do me a favor... get some
new stuff for the walls,
'cause if I have to sleep here
with your picture everywhere,
I'll never choke the sheriff again.
- First day of your new life. Go!
- Okay.
You're totally gonna
choke the sheriff here!
Hi. Hi.
Hello.
Hi.
Hey.
Ma'am, um, my cousin,
he told me to buy some art.
So what would be good art to buy?
It's, like, for, like, a wall.
Uh, well, uh, maybe if there's a piece
that you find disturbing.
- Hmm.
- One that makes you experience
an emotion that you're
deeply uncomfortable with.
I'll take this one.
Uh...
Uh, those paintings aren't mine actually.
These are.
Oh! Oh, okay. Ooh.
I'll take this one then definitely.
Yeah, it's a lot better
than that weird kitten.
Shoot.
Is it more than $16?
It's $16 exactly.
What?!
Okay, great!
Uh, here you go. It's all singles.
Thanks, man.
Cool. It's humongous.
- So I-I just hang it up on my wall?
- Yup.
Oh, whoa!
Breezy!
Hey, how far do you
have to walk with that?
Uh, just across the bridge to Queens.
- Oh.
- I'll be okay.
Oh.
Okay, whisk two eggs.
Do not overcook pasta.
Okay.
Okay, just chop things.
If you chop things, you are cooking.
All right, all my stuff is in the truck.
Caryn, I think it's mad cool
that you're finally getting married.
Yes, I am! Thank you, Molly.
Okay, bye!
Bye.
Wow.
Nice first day.
Hey!
Damn it! Ow!
Now what?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Who are you?
- I'm staying with my cousin next door.
You know him... husky, sort of weird...
- Sweet, a little odd.
- Kind of stupid, yeah.
Anyway, is your apartment on fire?
No.
Maybe.
Let's have a look.
Come on in.
Holy hell, what happened in here?
I was trying to cook
dinner for my fiancé.
Fiancé. Fiancé.
Wow, that is one of those words
that sounds strange if you say it a lot.
Or even once.
So, you need help salvaging the meal?
- Oh.
- I kid.
Of course you do.
You are so good at this.
Are you, like, a real chef or something?
Professionally? No, no.
I've got a much sexier job than that.
Which is?
VP of sales at a dental products firm.
I know, I know.
It's like meeting Springsteen, right?
I'm in the dental field, too. A hygienist.
Small world.
Small, incredibly boring world, yes.
You know what? Make yourself useful.
Okay.
So, tell me about the lucky guy,
Mr. Fiancé.
Howard? Howard.
He's great.
He is a widower.
He is a loving father and
a wonderful dermatologist.
Hmm.
He has a...
dog, uh...
You know, he's not exactly Ryan Gosling,
but I'm not exactly
whatever the female
equivalent of Ryan Gosling is.
Scarlett Johansson.
The point is, he loves me.
Howard Blatt loves me.
And he is kind to me.
And he will take care of me.
And I finally realized that
- that's actually all I want in a man.
- Hmm.
Are you single?
Yeah.
Divorced, actually.
Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
How long were you together?
Week and a half.
Got a girl pregnant, couldn't hack it,
ran for the hills.
Well, relationships are hard.
Yeah.
You're very sexy.
Okay, um...
Do you always hit on engaged women?
Not always.
No. I can stop if you want me to.
No, I'm good.
But I don't even know your name.
Stosh.
Stosh?
- It's Polish.
- Oh.
I was born in Poland.
The country?
As opposed to what?
I don't know.
And you are?
I am Jewish.
Well, adopted by the Jews.
No, I meant... I meant your name.
Oh, right, right.
"Jewish" isn't my actual name.
Can you imagine? Jewish Goldfarb.
Redundant.
Oh, my God.
Caryn! I'm Caryn.
Caryn.
Nice to meet you, Caryn.
Oh, my God, that's Howard.
I'm coming! Then get rid of Howard.
- It's gonna be okay, it's gonna be okay.
- Yeah.
Monkey buns? You here?
Howard!
Hi.
- Who's this?
- Stosh.
Lewandoski.
- Neighbor.
- Oh, hey. Howard Blatt.
Great to meet you.
So what brings you by here, Stosh?
I was actually helping Caryn to cook
for the engagement party,
which was supposed to be
a surprise, Howard!
So you can meet the whole gang from...
the book club.
The book club gang!
Mmm.
Spaghetti.
Oh, here's a good one.
Okay, those are my sons.
That's Bartholomew, he's 11.
And then Milton just turned eight.
Aw, now who's this little fellow?
He looks just like you.
Th-That is me.
So, Howard, the boys
must be pretty excited
about their future step-mom to be, huh?
Uh...
It's a bit of a work in
progress at the moment.
Milton has some...
- Pretty violent tantrums.
- minor concerns.
But I'm sure he's gonna be
fine once Caryn moves in,
and he sees what a
beautiful person she is.
Aw...
A-And the medication will help a lot, too.
Just read that article I
gave you, but you're so sweet.
Hey, speaking of reading, I'd love to know
what's the last book you folks have read?
Well, it's a novel about a woman
who's in her late 30s who
decides to become a nun.
Very sad story.
It's called The Death of Passion.
Actually, she's in her mid-30s.
And it was crap.
Passion is such a fleeting thing.
That's why I'm a big fan of masturbation.
Me, too!
Hey...
That's awesome.
Um... Stosh?
I-I need your expertise in
the kitchen with the cheese.
Ow! What was that for?
The looks, the comments.
You are ruining my engagement party.
Hey, it's my engagement party.
I pulled this whole thing together.
On very short notice, I might add.
Now, come on.
You don't want to marry this guy.
Why do you have such a hard
time respecting my choice?
I don't know.
I guess it's a choice I'd
expect from someone less...
hot.
Thank you.
But, you know,
people make their choices
for very different reasons.
Well, you and I made some
interesting choices earlier tonight.
That was just a momentary
lapse in judgment.
You strode in here with
your hair and your pants,
and you fixed my smoke alarm, okay?
That is a lot to throw at a girl
who's been drinking
Chablis since lunchtime.
Well, it was nice though, wasn't it?
No! N...
Yes!
And that is the problem.
I always go for guys like you,
who offer me nothing but
pleasure and excitement.
And at a certain point,
a girl has to give those
things up for stability.
And that moment happens
the second she turns 35,
which I just did.
Two years ago.
So I am gonna marry Howard.
And that thing that happened between us,
no matter how nice or pleasurable
it may have been,
can never, ever happen again,
not with you, not with
anyone, ever, ever again.
Son of a bitch!
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ Mr. President ♪
♪ Happy birthday to you ♪
Well, uh, thank you, Marilyn.
Now let us proceed to
have sexual intercourse
with great vigor.
Thank you.
Howard.
We need to talk.
I can't marry you.
I thought it was the right thing for me,
but it's not.
It's just not.
And I am so sorry
that I put you through this.
Howard...
You know, Caryn, I'm not blind.
I know I wasn't your dream come true.
But I really loved you.
And I was kind of hoping that was enough.
I'm sorry that it wasn't.
Nice meeting everybody.
Sorry I ruined the book club.
- Good-bye! Nice meeting you!
- Bye, Howard.
Hey.
We followed you after you
staggered out of the house.
Yeah, we thought it best to
keep a respectful distance
until you were done
crying and punching trees
and trying to steal
other people's children.
Plus, Eric wanted a churro.
I would give you some,
but Stosh tried to
take it, so I licked it.
Think that's gonna stop me?
Stosh...
Thank you.
You know, Eric, I always thought
you were the weird loner on the block.
But tonight I realized
it's me.
If I were normal, I would be her.
Marrying a man I truly loved,
who loved me back just as much.
Or a little bit more for safety.
But I can't get there.
What is wrong with me?
What are they saying to each other?
What does it sound like
when all the pieces fit?
You're in luck.
I read lips.
That is lucky.
Okay, let me see.
Uh...
"The love you share is a blessed gift
bestowed upon us by our Lord
and savior, Jimmy Carter."
Or "Johnny Carson."
It's a "J.C." name, I do know that.
Those are just hard to get sometimes.
"Maytag, Hickey.
Would you like to replace your cows?"
"Maytag, the moment we
met, I thought to myself,
"'Damn, them some tig old bitties.'
And then some other stuff
happened, and now here we are."
"Darling, our love
"is forever symbolized
"by this blood diamond, the
value of which could feed
"and vaccinate a third-world
country, but whatevs.
It makes my friends super jealous."
"Speaking of your friends, I can't decide
"which of the bridesmaids
I want to bang more,
"number two or number three, or both.
I feel like if three was into
it, two would get on board."
"My beloved, if you so
much as look at them again,
I will divorce your
testicles from your body."
"And now,
"by the powder infested in bees
by Jiminy Cricket..."
Or "Jim Carrey." It's one
of the two, I can't tell.
I'm pretty sure it's Jim Carrey.
"I now pronounce you Malomites.
You may fist with pride."
I still want to do it.
Enough of this. I see an
open bar with our name on it.
Just blend in, just blend in.
All right.
I'm having so much fun right now.
I never want to go home!
I don't have a home!
Shh! Yes, you do!
I'm giving you my house.
Oh, my God! Thank you!
Do you need a roommate?
I just gave away my house to someone.
Two! Three!
I'm totally getting married!
Ooh, anyone want to hit a strip club?
Uh, we need to stop at home first.
I got to get these pink
roses in water ASAP.
You may be a whole bag of crazy,
but the prize for weird loner
goes to the big guy at the end.
- Thank you.
- Um, Stosh, you do realize
- you're gonna die alone, too, right?
- God willing, Cindy.
- It's Caryn.
- Whatever.