Weeds (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 5 - Fingers-Only Meat Banquet - full transcript

With the help from her lawyer and Silas (HUNTER PARRISH), Nancy (MARY-LOUISE PARKER) returns to California to continue her custody battle against Jill. Meanwhile, Andy's (JUSTIN KIRK) polyamorous relationship takes a bizarre turn. Shane decides to give college a trying by enrolling in classes. Back on Wall Street, Doug (KEVIN NEALON) must make due without Nancy around.

Previously on "Weeds"...

How's my baby boy?

Annancy!

Hi.

Come on, buddy.

You're missing the movie.
It's the good part.

What did he call me?
"Aunt Nancy."

Nance, you're gonna be getting
some papers from my lawyer.

What papers?
Custody.

Custody?!

We need the judge to understand
that you are trying.



I'd like you to focus
on getting a job.

"Rocket Man," Doug Wilson.

We need an accountant.
Tell me you're in.

If I don't have a job,
I can't get my kid back.

You start tomorrow, legit.

Someone's here in the room.
I'm the husband.

Where's the fuckin' doorknob?

We're polyamorous.

I have cancer.

Can you work with that?

You had three years to play.
Now you're gonna give me four.

You're going to college.

Student loans are readily
available from many banks.

Applying at
Castle Hill Bank, too?



I'm going everywhere.
I bought a few things.

Where did you get the money
to pay for all this?

I've applied for some loans,
for college.

I need you to deal.

42 new clients.

We're gonna need more supply.

A lot more.

I want weed.

It's gonna be
at least another month.

I don't have another month.

The government, the media,
main street minor leaguers --

they've all taken their swings
at our business

over the last couple of years.

They've all tried
to put us under,

blaming us
for their shitty 401(k)s,

their upside-down mortgages.

Well, news flash to
all those sniveling dumbasses

who can't make 10 cents
into a dime --

We're bigger.

Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah!

We're smarter.

And we are a fuckload richer!

So suck on this!
Am I right?

We make it rain, right?
We make it rain.

And there's gonna be
some more rain today,

because a meat storm is brewing.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you...

Vehement beefsteak!

Vehement beefsteak!

Much beef. Enjoy.

You've reached the sarge.

I'm knee-deep in the muck.
Leave a message.

Demetri? It's Nancy.

Checking on
that old supply drop.

Lots of dry soldiers.
Need rations.

Call me. Bye.

You better muscle in there,
Nance. 200 pounds goes fast.

I think I'll pass.

How can you pass?

It's a tradition.
It's America.

It's fatty,
once-mooing ears of corn.

What's going on with you?

I need money.
Could I get an advance?

I got you the beefgirl gig.

That's my lawyer.

So barbaric, so intriguing.

Fingers-only meat banquet.

And you've titled
chapter 3 of my book.

Ooh. Coop's hossin' it down
over there.

We got to go.
Come on, Nancy.

Where am I going?
Custody hearing.

Jill filed papers.
A hearing was granted.

Custody hearing?

Like "Where's my kid
gonna live" hearing?

Tomorrow in Oakland.
We got to take a red-eye.

I can't get on a plane.

You do remember
I'm living in a halfway house.

I got you a furlough
for the court appearance.

State law. Yay!

48 hours.
Let's go. Chop-chop.

Stevie's gonna be there,
and I'm gonna get to see him.

Oh, my God.

Doug, I-I'll be back
in two days.

Look.
I made a meat volcano.

What should I bring?

A character witness
would be nice --

one of your sons,

whichever one
you think makes you look best.

Shane, is Silas here?

Working a half day, huh?

Nice life.

I once decorated my room
the same way.

Keeping track of my calls.

Uh, so, these guys here,
all around Midtown,

West Village,
Lower East Side, so on,

and a checkmark means
they've called twice.

Why don't you organize
a gang bang,

get them all done at once?

Shane, feel free to pretend
there are multiple rooms here.

Tell me you have good news
about our weed supply.

Jill has scheduled
a custody hearing.

I need you to come
and be a character witness.

For which side?

I'm not asking you
to perjure yourself.

Unless you want to.

Think of it
as, um, modeling/acting.

I quit modeling
to go into business with you.

I just cashed in
my next set of loans.

I can buy us plane tickets.
Wow.

I'll buy the plane tickets.
I only need Silas.

He's a retard.

No, take the murderer.
I don't care.

Shane, stay here.
Go to college.

You're taking $15k
for plane tickets?

It's last-minute fares.
I'll -- I'll book coach.

The rest will be
our rainy-day fund. I promise.

I'm charging a vig.

And I would have been
a better character witness.

I'm a great liar.

You can testify next time.

So I'm clear,

you're asking me
to go on record

about your motherly qualities?

You want that?

All right.

Use the balls of your feet...

And arch your back.

Oh. All right.

Hey, are you sure
you don't mind?

It's not like secondhand smoke
is gonna kill me.

Oh, yeah. Death humor.

Got to be honest --
not making me laugh.

Guess that's your privilege,
though.

Who am I to say what's funny?

Although people tell me that
I'm funny, but I'm not dying.

Sorry.

But you are dying.

Slower than me, obviously,

but trust me --
that could change tomorrow.

Gather ye rosebuds.

Gather ye balls.

Don't just sit on them.
Show them to the world.

Show them to the world?
I can do that.

Maxeen's taken a liking to you.

You're a vast improvement
over the last few guys.

Awfully kind of you.

Wait -- "last few."

"Few" like two or three?

I'm sliding.
I'm sliding. Oh!

Okay. I've slid.

I'm taking a liking
to you guys, too.

Maxeen mainly, but okay.

The whole...two-for-one thing,

it's...

It's not so hard.

I need sug...

If shu...

You're sliding, too.
These chairs are no good, man.

Oh, fuck.

It's happening.

It's happening now.

Okay.

Phone people.

Okay.

Here's the wire.
Where's the phone?

High-top phone.

Look at that.

Charles, don't do it, man.

Um, he's down.
Pancreas cancer.

We're here, and he's down.

What do I do?

Oh, God, yeah -- CPR.

That's a great idea.

I'll try that.

I had to put the shoe down!

I got this.

Uh...

Holy shit. It worked.
He's breathing.

I saved him.

Still clammy!
Tell me you've sent somebody!

Not like this, Charles.

Not like this.

What are you gonna say
at the hearing?

I'm not sure.
Figure I'll wing it.

You know, no winging.

I'm serious, okay?

I'm trying to watch
"Everybody Loves Raymond."

It's on Channel 1.
It's good.

What if the judge
cross-examines you?

See, Debra's
really pissed at Ray

for taking Robert's side
in a fight with Amy.

Oh, now the dad's involved.
He's awesome.

Hey.

I could lose Stevie.

I have maybe one card to play,

and guess what --
that's you.

So you could just
quit the coy bullshit

for just one second, please?

You're dragging me across
the country at a moment's notice

to talk about you as a mother.

I...

I really, truly don't know
what I'm gonna say yet.

I-I have suggestions.

There could be
inspiration here.

Maybe I'll compare you to Ray.

You mean well,
but you get into trouble.

And then there's Marie.

You know what?

Be a spectator.
Forget it.

I'll defend myself.

That should go well.

He apologizes.
She forgives him.

The tall guy makes a dumb joke.

Everyone's happy.
The end.

Stop and enjoy the make-believe
every once in a while, Nance.

I can't afford that.

Hi, it's Nancy.
Leave your message.

Uh, I thought you were kidding
about the two days, Nancy.

You know, I gave you a chance
when no one else would,

and this is how you repay me.

I don't know
where the lunch menus are.

My computer's frozen
on an image of Bradley Cooper.

A little help, please, Nancy.

Okay, if there's a gyro here
in the next half-hour,

I'll think about forgiving you.

Extra tzatziki.

Doug Wilson.

Yes, with extra tzatziki.

Yeah, I-I promise he'll stop
calling you goat bangers.

Okay. Thank you.

Did you find them?

They postponed the hearing.

Till after lunch?

Lunch, plus two months.

They know you'll have trouble
getting out here again.

They're making you
jump through hoops,

making you mad
and potentially irrational.

Their lawyer's very good.

So Stevie's not even here?

I'm not even
gonna get to see him?

No.
This is bullshit!

Can they do this?
It is, and they can.

You're the fucking lawyer.
Do something.

Project, baby, project.
I can take it. Work it out.

Do you want to cry?
Do you want to break something?

Let it all out.
Just let it go.

Oh, man.

You do not want
to give her that opening.

Jill!

Get your ass out here!

Do you think she could've maybe
just gone out for some fresh air?

I'll call a cab.
We got to go get her.

Son of a bitch.

That's the judge
who fucked us --

Franklin, Judge Franklin.

They certainly did some work
on his portrait.

I'll tell you that.

Judge Franklin --

No! No, no, no!
Are you nuts?

You never make eye contact
with a judge on his lunch break.

Smile. Apologize.
You thought he was someone else.

No!

Hi, uh, Your Honor.

Sorry to bother you.

I had a question
about the Nancy Botwin case --

Or h-hearing.

Botwin...

Oh, wait.
I thought we postponed that.

Yes, you did.

That's the problem.

Is this an inconvenient time?!

Should I fly back another day?!

Jill!

Nancy.

I want to see my son.

Damn. Jill just took him
to the playground.

Oh, bullshit!
I saw her van!

Didn't we reschedule
the hearing?

Yeah.
I guess you did.

I never got the memo,
so here I am.

I'm ready to see my son.

I wish I could help you.
I really do.

You know she slept with Andy?

Blah, blah, blah.
He already knows.

Move on,
like the rest of us, Nancy.

Jill, really?

You don't have a fence
high enough!

Oh, I forgot -- you're an expert
with iron bars now.

Well, we do have
neighborhood security.

It should be here any second.

Let me in, Scott.

Don't touch the gate, Scott.

What'd she do to win you back?

She give you
a clay mold of her vag?

It's probably warmer
than the real thing.

Hey, you want to go
fuck the gardener over there?

Looks like your type.

She kidnapped my child!

Crazy woman at my door!

Oh, no, the buzzer.
I'm melting!

Keep trying, Jill.

Whenever, wherever,
hearing, no hearing,

I'm his mother!

Stevie, can you hear me?

You remember this voice...
but quieter?

Ma'am.

Thanks for coming, Carl.

I'm gonna need you
to lower your voice, ma'am.

Stevie!

Uh, please don't do that.

Nancy, come on!

What's she doing?

Don't let her over!
I'm calling the real cops.

I can handle this, Mrs. Gray.
Down!

Now!

No! Uh...

Push her toward me!

I can't push her face, Carl!

Uh, uh, ma'am, ma'am...

I'm going to have to
touch your ass, ma'am.

Push her!

No pushing, no grabbing!

I'm coming down!

What? Unnecessary!

I'm leaving!

Yes, you are.

You'll regret this.

My lawyer took down
breast-implant people.

He's gonna take you down --
all of you!

Great to see you, Nancy.
Safe flight!

So...

Nancy Botwin is my mother.

Yeah,
you've said that twice now.

Look, I finish this sandwich,

I'm back to the 12 hearings
I do have scheduled today.

You ever mediate

between a transgender couple
and grandparents?

Brutal.

Go.

Uh, well, Nancy Botwin is...

Uh, she means well.

Sometimes it's bumpy,
but it's good.

Okay.

W-when I was 10,

I had an asthma attack
on Halloween,

so no candy for me.

Brand-new Austin Powers costume
still in the plastic bag.

But she put it on

and walked the neighborhood
the whole night,

just to get me candy.

She fought with some kids.

Well...
I mean, it wasn't...

She looks out for us.
She...

Geez, I can't believe
I'm saying this.

She loves us.

And I'm pretty sure she loves
her youngest, Stevie, even more.

And to not even
give her the chance...

Look, she's not
mom of the year.

Whatever you want to do,

just at least
give her a fair fight.

Not the most impassioned speech
I ever heard.

Yeah. It's not exactly
what I had mapped out.

You're a fast eater.

Well, I'm still hungry.
Let me find her file.

Yo!

Hey, Rocketman!

Hey, Whit, did you check
the earnings report?

Sure did.
Great fucking quarter.

Great fucking quarter...
Probably.

Probably?

I don't want to be a dick,
and I know I say that a lot,

but this guy
you had in here before

must have been
a colossal shit-for-brains.

Go on.

Some of these dividends,
they were coming and going.

I mean, what's this guy,
a meth addict?

I mean,
it's sweeping the nation.

Wait, wait.

You went through
the whole report?

You know, most people
probably wouldn't even catch it.

Thing is, I got
a diagnosed case of synesthesia.

I see words and numbers
in colors,

like the number 3 is orange.

The word "Tuesday" is green.

Uh, "vagina," purple.

Fuck.

Deep black,
unless you're talking the verb.

Then it's more of a blood red.

Anyway, it helped me to
string together a few patterns.

You got anything
this afternoon?

Cancel it.

There's somewhere
I want to take you.

Well, if it's Delmonico's,
I should pass.

I'm still a little backed up
from yesterday.

Hoping Greek's
gonna push it on through.

Mr. Palmer?

Dr. Palmer.
May I help you?

I want to take your class.

You are aware
we're three weeks into the term?

I'll make it up.

If you're looking
for an easy "A,"

you've come to the wrong place.

I am meticulous.
I am exacting.

You completed the prereqs,
I assume?

Killed them.

You will have to buy my book.

Can I purchase it
directly from you?

I think we might find
a spot for you, Mr...

Botwin -- Shane.

Mr. Shane Botwin, welcome
to Applied Criminal Justice.

That's the problem
with these plug-ins.

If you'd uncuff me,
I'll help you push.

Got to start checking the power
on this thing, Carl.

Goddamn night guy thinks it's more
important he charges his iPad.

Brought your bag.

I didn't know
whether to drop it in first

or, um, leave it behind.

I was being optimistic.

Not a bad try,
the whole Catwoman approach.

Maybe next time, you could
parachute in or dig a tunnel.

I don't like to get dirt
under my nails.

Look, if you go
into that house right now,

all hell is gonna break loose,
and Stevie would see that.

Do I have a choice?

I'll make sure
you get to video-chat with him.

I-I want him
told I'm his mother.

What you say on that call --
look, it's your call.

Please, cancel
the custody hearing, Scott.

Please.

That is out of my control.

Scott, what's she saying?

She called you a cunt!

Sorry.

Fair enough.

By the way, we, uh...

We never had this conversation.

Listen, when Jill and I
were split up,

I didn't get to see
Shayla and Taylor all that much.

It sucks. I get it.

So you'll back me
on the custody?

I said I get it.

I also said
I like seeing my girls.

Sorry.

About what I expected.

Maybe better.

Shane?
Silas.

Dick move today, Uncle Scott.

He's atoning.

Okay. Another 40 minutes,
and we're good to go.

Uncuff her, Carl.

These guys will make sure
she leaves, right?

I'm gonna gag her and stuff her
into my trunk right now.

No? Okay.

Thank you, Scott.

What'd you do?

I can't decide whether I want a
good story or a good client.

Go on. Tell me.

All a big mix-up.

Let's go.

Judge wants to see you.

It's satisfying.

Doing my job, doing it well --
feels good.

That, my friend,
is the oiled hand on your cock.

Could be.

Hey...

As far as what you found,
it's not a problem.

You haven't even
looked at it yet.

Relax, please.

There are two ways to go
in our biz.

The first is you follow
every bullshit subsection

in the S.E.C. rule book,

nobody makes a profit,
and the economy collapses.

Fascists.
Yeah.

The second way,
you use your common sense,

you do what you got to do --

make the investors happy,

keep the free-market economy
running.

So we're cooking the books?

Christ, Doug.

I-I wish you had told me.

I busted my ass
working on those reports.

Remember, relax.

You're acting like
a small-town CPA

touring Wall Street
for the first time.

Okay, now you're too relaxed.

Whit, could you please put
your fucking business on hold

for 10 minutes -- just once?

No, I can't, Carrie.
This is serious shit.

Fuck it. I got my 5:00.

Jen's gonna have to
finish you both.

Hey, hey, are you working
this weekend?

My girlfriend wants to come with
for a couples.

Make an appointment.

And tell her I'm not putting any
pantyhose in my mouth this time.

You know, Whit,
I'm just trying to cover my ass.

Me too.

It's all good.
Asses are covered.

Dicks are out,
but asses are covered.

You got that right, brother.

Oh. Hmm.

Oh, by the way, we're playing
Goldman on Saturday.

Hey, Jen, you know what we call this guy?
Oh.

Rocketman.

Does Rocketman ever take off?

Oh, that feels good.

Little faster.

Okay.

"I then smiled gaily
to find the deed so far done.

"But, for many minutes,

the heart beat on
with a muffled sound."

What the hell
are you reading him?

"Tell-tale Heart."

Poe?

Like "Everything is dark and dreary and
dead or dying" Poe?

Right now? I just saved him.

It's his favorite.

This is, uh...

I'm gonna go get ice cream
for when he wakes up.

Carvel? Maybe they can do
Fudgie the raven.

He's not contagious, Andy.

You didn't see his skin.
It was so waxy.

It's just
a little hypoglycemia.

It happens sometimes.

Are his lips
usually that salty?

I have no frame of reference,

but they tasted
closer to dead fish

than they probably should have.

You're just mad
that you made out with him

when you didn't have to.

I was in the moment.
I acted courageously.

Not exactly sweet kisses
I jumped into.

No offense, Charles.

Poor thing. Do you want
to come lay down, too?

I think you're underestimating

the weight of my experience
this afternoon.

I was joking.

Okay.

Imagine...
We're in bed one night,

enjoying ourselves,
what we've become.

It's probably something good.

And he...

You know? Right next to us.

Imagine we're...

Right?

That's a heavy weight
on the shoulders.

When that time comes,

he'll probably be
in his own bed,

tubes everywhere
and machines going.

Bubbie.

What?

It's Bubbie.

I...

I can't be polyamorous
with Bubbie.

I don't get
the exact reference, but...

I think I understand.

And I can't blame you.

If the shoe
was on the other foot...

I don't know.

It's not you.
It's not me, either.

I didn't flee. I passed.

And he's alive, yes.

I'm not trying
to pin this all on Charles.

Not his fault.

But the downside --
this is heavy shit.

I know it can't all be
popsicles and pet shops.

But I really hate Poe --
and death.

Life is my thing.

Really, it's okay.

You can stop talking now.

Your Honor, i-if I may
say something first --

Okay, Ms. Botwin,
here's how I see it.

Children with their mothers
is a good thing.

If at all possible,
that's the way I rule.

Unfortunately,
in your situation,

that's not possible --

right now.

At the same time,

it'd be unfair to grant custody
to Mrs. Gray --

right now.

Too much is up in the air.

So, finish out your sentence,
and at that time,

I'll see what is
and is not possible.

Thank you.

Your halfway house
has probably already told you

all the things
you need to do --

get money, stable job,
et cetera.

Those are true.

But here's
some additional advice.

Do not concoct some grand plan
to change yourself.

It never works.

Don't reinvent the wheel.

From what I see from your son,

the wheel was spinning
just fine once.

Go back to that model,
that Nancy Botwin.

You got caught up
with the wrong people.

Move on from that crowd.

Return to the ones
who helped you succeed

on both a personal
and maternal level --

your friends, your family.

You're probably never gonna
grace the cover

of Parenting magazine.

I'm not looking for that.
Keep it simple.

Be the Nancy who raised Silas.

You do that,
we'll see what's possible.

Maybe
we should've called first.

They grow weed.
We have money. It'll be fine.

I hope you're right.

Come on. Go ahead.

Go ahead. Knock.

Uh, I'm pretty sure you still
owe me one for yesterday.

You knock.

Go on. Knock.

Hell...

...no.

♪ It's been a long time
since the last time we met ♪

♪ it sure has been a while,
but we both understand ♪

♪ that one's friends
stay friends till the end ♪

♪ it's not how many times ♪

♪ you may see me walk
the streets with my friend ♪

♪ Hello, my friend ♪

♪ Where have you been? ♪

♪ Hello, my friend ♪

♪ long time no see ♪

♪ that one's friends
stay friends till the end ♪

♪ it's not how many times ♪

♪ you may see me walk
the streets with my friend ♪