Weeds (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 4 - A Hole in Her Niqab - full transcript

Previously on "Weeds"...

Ham or pepperoni?
Ham. Ham.

What do you want? You want money?
I want weed.

I hear you get great shit
from Afghanistan.

Is Stevie around?

Nance, you're gonna be getting
some papers from my lawyer.

Just for school enrollment,
to -- to make it legal.

Make what legal?
Custody, so he can register for school.

Custody?!

She went to jail for me.

Now she's out,
so I'm going to find her.



Where's Silas?

He had stuff he had to do.

Yeah, still mad at me.

What's inside the radio?

You wouldn't hide it if it
was just a radio. I know you.

You want that weed to be here
when you come back?

I can't bring it back
to the halfway house with me.

Half of that stash is now mine.

I'll cut you in on the profit.
I'll be fair.

Doug-inator!

Listen, we need you -- on
the field and in the boardroom.

Come on.
Tell me you're in.

Silas "Gun-nerd."

It's "Gun-nard."



Hi.
I'm Maxeen, the artist.

You're --
you're amazing.

I want to feed you
and probe your higher self.

Are you hungry?

I'm gonna...
get my higher self probed.

You know how it is.

What the shit do you want?

Is your mommy home,
either of you?

It's important.

I'm sorry. She's out.
Sorry.

Okay. Can you tell her
I can see her shadow?

She's still out.

Well, great.

Would you relay to your mother
when she gets back

that I received the papers
she sent

and I would really appreciate --
really appreciate --

the opportunity to see and speak
with my son?

He's not here.
He's at...

Soccer practice.

Mom told us
why you went to jail --

For killing a Mexican,

a defenseless woman Mexican

who died because you killed her.

Did it feel good at all,
the killing?

Like, make the pain go away?

I have pain inside me.
And darkness.

And there's a voice
inside the darkness.

Okay, okay. Okay, Jill, can
we come out and be adults now?

Hey! That's my metronome
when I play my spoons.

Please. Please!

She says Stevie got the last
slot at the Waldorf School.

The deposit is...
$2,800.

And the deadline is Friday,
so you should send a check.

Certified, biatch.

Mm.
Hi.

Um, why is your apartment weird
and full of danger?

'Cause comfort
is the first sign of death.

This place keeps you on guard,

jump-starts your blood flow,
increases overall life-span.

I got a grant to build it.

Oh, yeah.

It's amazing what one misses
when crocked on margari--

Oh, hey! Oh!

I'm looking
for the other one of these.

Ah, someone's here in the room,
right here with us.

Red sock.
Looks like this one.

Did you check the hamper?

Yes, I checked the hamper.

Oh!

I'm the husband.

Oh! Husband.

Oh.
Excuse me.

Uh, that's cool, man.
I know the drill.

I'll come back for my pants.

Uh...

Where's the fuckin' doorknob?

Relax.
We're polyamorous.

Oh.

Well, where did you sleep
last night?

In the middle.

Of us?

You guys fuck.
I'll make eggs.

Those are the custody papers.

You're pro bono, right?

I'm sorry.
Did you say something?

You're pro bono.

Oh, right.

No. Basically,
I made a killing in the '90s

off of those breast implants

that gave all those women
thyroid disease.

So I left the corporate world,

and then I guess
this is me giving back.

Oh.
If I take your case.

"If"?

Would you like to see

the steward havens
trapper keeper of broken dreams?

I-I really think I would.

Basically, my clients
tell me their stories

from inside the clink,
and -- and I put the best ones

in the steward havens
trapper keeper of broken dreams.

I read them
when I'm sad or horny...

Or both.

Maybe that's weird.

But you should be focusing
on telling me something

worthy of induction
into these golden pages.

I can only balance three clients
at one time.

And right now,
there's one slot open.

That means you're competing
against a woman

who made herself queen
of cell block "d"

by contracting TB

and sneezing her way
up the food chain

and an Ecuadorian

who turned a pigeon
into a working time bomb.

M-my cell mate used to make,
uh, fermented yam wine

in our toilet.

The feathers.
There were so many feathers.

The mob had my Mexican husband
killed in prison.

Go on.

They made it look
like a hate crime.

The Aryans.

Hired to stab him.

They, uh, ripped his eyes out
with a broken domino tile,

and when they were finished,
they brought me

A box with his, uh...

With what?
W-what was in the box?

I'm gonna need, um...

Attorney-client privilege
in order to continue.

Look, uh, even with my help,
you're fucked.

Your sister is the only mom
your kid knows.

You can send all the letters you want,
but, trust me, they've been shredded.

And babies can't read.

So we're gonna have to show
a judge that you're trying.

Has she asked you for anything?

A stupid
preschool deposit -- $2,800.

Do you have that kind of money?
No. I-I-I can get it.

I don't want to know
what that means.

I do.

Okay, um...

I don't.

I do.

Never actually tell me.

Would I have to send it,
you know?

Would I have to look
at her shit-eating grin and --

No, I'll send it.
That's what I'm here for.

Actually, I'd like you
to focus in on getting a job.

Right.
A real job,

given the terrifically unclear
nature of your income.

Now...

Please tell me what
the Aryans put into that box.

That's all that
I've been thinking of.

Next time.

What's with
all the new shit?

What?
I bought a few things.

And you financed this how?

Uh, multiple student loans.

You're applying to school?

There's this "thank me
for going to prison for you

by going to college"
kind of request on the table,

but I don't think
I'm actually gonna go.

Good for you.
You don't need to thank her.

Really? 'Cause I'm feeling
kind of guilty.

I say you scam that money.
Enjoy it.

Get yourself a hot tub.
Vespa.

Zero guilt. Okay?

Where are you going?

Nancy wants to see me.
Can I come?

It's a business meeting.

Drug business.

It's what our family does,
Shane.

Only now we're equal partners.

Since when?

Since last night.

We have a new relationship,

where she treats us
like real people,

where we don't have to listen
to everything she says

or blindly follow orders.

So, when Nancy tells us to go
to college, what do we do?

We buy hot tubs?

Free at last, my brother.

Free at last!

So, I was thinking, if
we're gonna be a partnership --

I need you to deal.

That is not a partnership.

That is a "you telling me
what to do"-ship.

I'm not gonna deal.
We'll hire dealers.

There's no time.

How much would we get if you
cashed in what we have now?

In this town, with that quality,
10 grand, easy.

If I were dealing,
which I'm not,

'cause I'm not your errand
boy -- I'm a businessman.

But if you
were going to sell it.

Silas,
we have to start somewhere.

Hello? I'm incarcerated.
When can you sell it?

Tomorrow, if I try...

And you say, "please."

So, you'll do it.

From that special Chinese place
way out in Brooklyn.

I would give you the name,
but like you said,

you're incarcerated,

so you'd probably
never have time to go.

Let's see --
crunchy noodles in duck sauce,

fried rice.

Wish I'd have gotten enough
for both of us, but I didn't.

You seem hostile.

Oh, do I?

I just -- I thought

we were gonna finish our talk
from last night.

Maybe apologize
for our sins from the past.

And I didn't realize your idea

of a business meeting
was asking --

Is -- is there
a horse on fire behind me?

This guy -- I think he's
a dealer, but I'm not sure.

Look.
Don't be obvious.

Freeze! D.E.A.!

Did he turn around?
See?

We can be a great team.

Where are you going?

I have a job interview.

Silas, please.

Yes. Fine.

The stash will be cash
by tomorrow.

Um...

I didn't have time
to get lunch.

That crispy-duck thing
sounded so good.

You can get more, right?

Aw. Thank you, sweetie.

What? Here?

Ah, no can do, Nance.

If I don't have a job,
I can't get my kid back.

Do you really want another kid?

Look, softball season
starts in a week.

I'm guessing that's the only
reason they hired me here.

I can't ask
for an assistant now.

I got steroids.

Wow. Rad.

Help me.

Maybe I could slip a few bucks
under the table.

You come in twice a week.

No, I need to be
in the system --

Pay stubs, W-9S,
documentation.

I'm sorry, lady.

Doug...

Doug...

Doug. Doug!

I know you're not
the smartest, quickest,

most empathetic person,

but it's no secret

that for much
of our relationship,

you've been an iron ball
attached to my ankle.

I've -- I've carried you
around

for a considerable amount
of time.

My leg's tired now.

So, if what
you're offering me now,

in this, my most desperate
moment, is rejection,

I might just freak out here
in your office

with your nice new windows, furniture...
Okay, okay. Nance. Nancy.

Nance.
...Large picture of you.

Nancy.
Tchotchkes. No.

Ow.

Hey, hey, hey.

You're the closest thing
I have to family.

I love you, Nancy Botwin.

Look, take some petty cash,
go to Bloomies,

get yourself a nice dress,
some shoes.

You start tomorrow, legit.
Does that sound good?

Okay.

Don't be late.

I won't.
Good.

Now stab me in the ass.

There's this video online
of Maxeen putting a popsicle

Up her lady hole from one of her shows.

Will you help me
with this sheet?

They invited me over tomorrow.
Do I go?

Why am I hesitating?
So what if she has a husband?

I can do freaky.
Am I getting old?

Did I die in Copenhagen?
I did.

I couldn't speak the language.
I died.

Hand me those pillows.

Last night, I dreamed I ate
a short, hairy hot dog.

Does that mean I touched him?

No, that means you blew him.

Popsicle represents
the ephemeral penis.

Its melting affirms
the strength of woman.

I get it.
That's beautiful.

She sounds crazy.

I know. Right?

Uh, was that pillowcase
Egyptian cotton?

Egyptian cotton
is so comfortable.

Comfortable. Maybe I'm --
I'm too comfortable.

Your new bedroom
looks expensive.

I didn't get this stuff for me.

Good night, Andy.

Night, Shane.

Hi.

You have reached the office

of Douglas Wilson

and his assistant, Nancy Botwin.

If you've reached this message,

I am no doubt scrambling
around the office,

moments away from answering
your very important...

...Very important --
very...important...

...Important phone call.

Code red, Nance. 911.
Into my office, pronto.

No, I'm -- but --
Now. Now.

Now.

Okay.

Hey. Hey.
Who's that guy?

The guy in the suit?
No idea.

No. Oh, wait. Yeah.
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, that's -- that's Klein,
the C.E.O.

I'm having lunch with
Japanese computer executives.

Red like the rising sun

or yellow
like their Pac-Man faces?

Does your, uh,
cellphone have a camera?

I think so. But --
Okay.

I'll be right back.
Nance.

Denny, Nancy.
Nancy, Denny.

Hi.

Uh, I take the lunch orders.

Tell him what kind of weed
you want. He'll get it.

She's cool.

I'll take 1/8 of AK-47,
1/8 of Wet Julie.

Out of Julie.
I got gnarly marly, kush.

Kush works.
Kush works.

Nancy? I'm buying.

He comes by twice a day,
10:00 and 5:00.

Covers the whole building.

Oh, shit. Is this
making you feel awkward?

She used to be a --
Nun.

So, um, it's okay.

Wicked.

Back at 5:00.
Have you been working out?

Oh, you noticed, huh?

Nice.

Yeah, I think the steroids
are giving me acne.

Hold that thought.

On the up side, I've lost
about an inch on my dick.

So now it's straight.

Been there, man.
It hurts.

They said my fat, chunky face

would distract from
their slender fall capris.

What's with that?

I don't know.

But...I offer the cure.

Afgooey. Pure sativa.
Bottled at the source.

I already have a dealer.

Yeah, well, you and
everybody else in this city.

But trust me...
This stuff is gold.

That's the thing, man.
It's about trust, okay?

I don't know you.
I don't know what you're about.

That could be shit
that makes me fucking fatter.

Okay.

How about a free sample?

Why would you give me free pot?

'Cause if you like it, you give
me a call and buy some more.

We develop trust.
No strings.

Here's my number.
Put it in your phone.

Thanks.

Hey.
Could I get some of that?

Have dinner
with me tonight?

Are you talking to me?

I am definitely talking to you.

Oh. Uh...

Flattered.

What's the C.E.O. doing
in the copy room?

Not making copies.

No, he's not.

So...

Nobu, 8:00.

I-I would like
to keep my job.

Well, you're allowed to say no.

I'm not saying no.
I'm saying...

What am I saying?

You're saying, "Fuck off."

Uh, no. Am I?
Yeah.

I don't think so.
Definitely not.

I'm saying not tonight...
Or this week.

Like your shoes.

Thanks. You bought 'em
for me -- petty cash.

Oh. Sorry.

That's coming out
of your paycheck.

Right, right.

What you got there?

Oh, stuff.

Market research.

Got to stay ahead
of the competition.

Uh-huh.

Doug, what time is it?

5 inches.
And 5:00. Why?

Oops.

What the hell?

♪ Wow wow wow ♪

♪ funk, funk, funk,
funk, funk ♪

You guys have been married
a while, huh?

16 years.

Charles was
my English professor.

That's adorable.

And this place,

this amazing,
life-extending apartment --

How is that working
for you, Charles?

I love it.
Great. Yeah.

'Cause you're like 85 or 90,
right?

I'm looking for pigeon eggs.

Oh. Of course.

Uh, when do you go away?

Does our relationship
make you uncomfortable?

I had a moment of panic
last night

where I said,
"Am I uncomfortable about this?

"And if so,
what does that mean?

"Perhaps I need to look inward

and ask the big
blah-di-blah questions."

So I did that for five minutes,

and, long story short,
that's not the case.

I'm just freaked out by you
specifically.

Andy --
And, obviously, you're not my sexual rival,

what with your penis being
a soft void filled with sonnets,

while mine is full
of proud smurfs

banging tiny blue hammers
against my balls.

Andy --
And last night,

there was a dream
about a hot dog.

Did I, uh --
did I suck you off?

Andy...
What's up?

I have cancer.

What?

The bumpy floors,
the life-extending apartment,

the danger room --
she built that for me.

Oh. Ohhhh.

I'm with you, pal.

It's in my pancreas.

Wow. You're not old.
You're just dying.

I'm an asshole.
You were right.

I'm not your rival.

It's not a competition.

We're polyamorous
because she's...

She's amazing.

And, um, it's what she wants.

And I don't want to
leave her alone.

She's trying to save you,
and you're trying to save her.

Can you work with that?

♪ Drink it down ♪

♪ nice and slow ♪

♪ it makes you feel good ♪

♪ real good ♪

♪ Make your move ♪

♪ feel the groove ♪

♪ you know you look good ♪

♪ fizzy yum yum yum yum yum ♪

♪ fizzy yum yum yum yum yum ♪

♪ fizzy yum yum ♪

♪ Fizzy yum yum yum yum yum ♪

♪ fizzy yum yum ♪

Oh, I was looking for that.

Oh. Copy room.

Nancy.

About earlier...

Oh, inappropriate but harmless.

No, no, no, no. I was wrong.
Seriously, do you want the shoes back?

'Cause I feel terrible.

I never would have asked you out
if I'd known

you were one of these crazy, uptight,
militant, antidrug bitches.

That's just
a little intense for me.

And you shouldn't be
abusing the xerox

for your personal agenda.

Oh.

Um, I didn't -- I'm not --
I love sushi.

Nobu.
8:00, did you say?

'Cause I-I
can make that happen.

I got to run.

Keep the shoes.

Where's your brother?

I made you something.

Mm. Last time you said that,
I got a macaroni necklace.

Um, no --
uh, a terrorist video.

I figured when you're
out of the halfway house,

you'll need a place to crash,

so I tried to remember what the
Agrestic bedroom looked like.

Was I close?

It's, uh...Wow.

Where did you --

I couldn't remember if your bed
was a king or a queen.

It was a queen.

Oh, crap.
Are you sure?

Where did you get the money
to -- to pay for all this?

And as I ask that --

I applied for a loan,
some loans, for college.

You can't --

All this has to go back.

That money was supposed to go
towards school, like I said.

So, you don't like it?

Oh, God.
What were you thinking?

I was trying to say thank you.
For what?

Hey.

The Agrestic bedroom.

And how rich do you think
we used to be?

We got all that stuff
at -- at J.C. Penney.

You put this together?

You were right.
I should have bought a Vespa.

Today, I opened up
31 Broad Street, downtown.

The whole building?
Yeah.

Possibly the block
surrounding it.

Maybe parts of Staten Island,
if the winds are favorable.

There's -- there's gonna be
a lot of demand.

I need you to come by tomorrow.

Bring everything you have left.

I don't have anything left.

Really?

Yeah.
I'm out.

Oh, you have your mother's
work ethic.

Can I have the cash?

Well, there is no cash yet.

From selling the drugs.

There's no cash
from selling the drugs.

There's always cash
from selling the drugs.

That's why we sell drugs.

Not when you give them away
for free.

Why would we...

Oh, you didn't.

It's called a loss leader.

You sell a product at a loss
to increase future sales.

It's good business.

I need money now!

Not the promise of money --
actual money.

I owe your aunt
a-a preschool payment by Friday.

If I can't provide that,

I am double-dipped
in three shades of f-f-f-fuck!

Your cellphone is ringing!

I know.

42 new voice mails.

42 new clients.

I got orders on here
for twice what we let go.

I am better at this
than you know.

We're gonna need
more supply --

A lot more.

This supply
that you speak of --

Can't exactly put it
on a MasterCard.

Did you think about that?

Well, uh...
What should we do?

Shane! Shane!

Yeah?

How much, um, cash do you have?

I don't know.
Like a grand.

Yeah.
Could you go get it, please?

Why?

'Cause I need it.

We need it.

I don't want you to go
back to prison.

It's my fault
you went there once.

Sweetie, I love you so much,

and this room --
I-I do like this room.

I'd be honored
to sleep here --

I want it back, plus 20%.

What about your loan checks?

I only got one so far,

and you said those
are for school and hot tubs.

I know what I said.
Thank you, sweetie.

Thanks, buddy.

Yeah, whatever.

So, there's been a glitch
in the supply chain.

What's that mean, a glitch?

I'm not saying
I can't get you weed. I can.

But it's gonna be
at least another month.

I don't have another month.
Is there someone you can call?

It's fuckin' Afghanistan.
Who do you want me to call?

Then g-give me your weed.

No, these are
my last three joints.

How much do you want for them?

Got to give it a month.

Come on, baby.

That's Stevie crying

'cause mom told him
he couldn't' go to Waldorf now

Because the deposit money
your creepy lawyer promised

never showed up.

And since that's the school
all his friends are going to,

he won't be able to play
with them.

I'm sure he'll get over it.

I never had any friends,
and I turned out fine.

Maybe your mother
could pay for it.

Oh, she will.

She just wanted you to see
the disappointment you caused

before she made it all better.

It's okay, Stevie.
Don't cry.

Jenny's going.

Brendan's going.

Victoria's going.

Mark is going.

Amy's going.

Matthew's going.

Carly's going.

Dave's going.