Weeds (2005–2012): Season 7, Episode 12 - Qualitative Spatial Reasoning - full transcript

Previously on "Weeds"...

Children with their mothers
is a good thing.

Finish out your sentence,
and at that time,

I'll see what is
and is not possible.

Thank you.

Heylia, people love MILF.

I'll supply you.

I have been selling
dime bags all night

for $500 a pop.

Stop by the office next week
with a business plan.

We'll take a look at it.



Jolene Waite. I'm with the S.E.C.
I don't like her.

Any chance I could buy an eighth?

I'm gonna need to smoke up.
You got it.

Who is that?

That's my stepson.

Tell him his dad
wants to talk to him.

I have cancer.
What?

It's in my pancreas.

You're not old.
You're just dying.

I'm an asshole.

I watched a drug bust.

What the hell did mom
have to do with it?

She told Ouellette
that my big brother

was involved with Pouncy House.



In order to save me,
he had to bust them.

Trust me, Botwin.

She's shittin'
her Dolce & Gabbanas right now.

You had him arrested?

It's business.

That's bullshit.

Whose side are you on?

From now on, my own.

Consider me...

...the competition?

Fuck him. Let him go.
We don't need him.

Fair warning --

Everything is up for grabs.

Paul, how's my favorite customer
in all of Tribeca?

Yeah, uh, did, um,
Silas call you yet?

Ike, it's Silas.

We got some really killer stuff
coming in this week, man.

Nancy? No.
She doesn't work here anymore.

Listen -- we're gonna be
changing our phone number.

Personnel issues.

Um...

How's the family?

J.C.! How's my number-one
delivery guy?

You're still my number-one
delivery guy, right?

Uh, yes! I would love to help
you pick out new headshots.

Logan Modeling Agency.

Uh, Kiku, it's Nancy.
Hey, girl.

Mulcahey here.

Colm Mulcahey, it's Silas Botwin.

We haven't met yet.
Who?

My former partner, Nancy,

had apparently been furnishing
you with certain items.

Um, listen. We're gonna be doing
a little, uh, restructuring,

and we might be able to use
your services.

Frankly, Silas has been acting
a little weird lately.

I think she's off her meds,

so if she calls,
ignore her, okay?

I'll be taking care of you now.

Wrong number.
Wrong number.

Hello?

Shit.

That asshole
hasn't returned my calls.

You make one comment about what
you'd like to do to someone

if you had them
naked and tied up,

and suddenly I'm
making them uncomfortable?

You're right.

Um, I think I have
a proposal for you.

Interesting.

Uh, can I call you back?
H-hold on a second.

Vehement capital.

This is dougbot9000.
System error.

Doug, it's Silas.

Name does not compute.

Stop fucking around.
It's Silas.

Hello?

I thought you were discreet.
Leave me alone.

Our ties are severed.

What's shakin', killer?

Okay, ask yourself this.

How many times has Nancy
ditched you over the years,

belittled you, made you feel like

you have absolutely
no value as a human?

Oh, Silas from the loft!
I'm sorry.

I got another guy on six
named Silas.

Or is it Simon?

Uh, hold on, Silas from the loft.

Vaginament Crapital.

Doug, hey, it's Nancy.

Oh, Nance!
Nance, we miss you down here.

I got this new girl on my desk.

She's a real
see ya next cuntsday.

Uh...Uh, listen.

Silas might be calling you

with some, uh,
misleading information.

Mmm, yummy.

But the truth is that I'm still furnishing
your building.

So spread the word.
Um, still my territory.

Doug?

Doug?

Shit!

Damn it, Doug.

Shirley, I told you I'm not
gonna play the fuckin' lotto.

Hey, Botwin.

I didn't know
you were coming here today.

Yeah, I wanted to say
thanks for Silas.

The bust really scared him.
My mom's grateful.

Oh, so that's really good, then.

Yeah. I, uh,
wanted to return the favor.

Billy.

Hey.

Holy fuck. Come in.

How you doing?

Okay.

I'm really glad you came.

You look great.

Hey, hey, you want a soda?
Root beer, right?

Sure.

Okay, stay right here,
and I'll be right back.

Uh...

All right.

What the fuck was that?!

Look, I told you
I'd come and see the guy,

not that I'd sing and dance.

Now, where's that eighth
you promised me?

Let me ask you something.

Did he ever hit you, huh?
Ow!

Did he ever tell you you're shit?

Fondle your balls? Huh?
No!

Then quit acting like
a moody emo dickhole!

Mitch may be a self-hating
alcoholic mess,

but he loves the crap out of you.

Let him back into your life,
or, I swear to God,

I will come to one of your
faggoty track meets

and take a bat to your kneecap.

Okay! Okay!

They didn't have root beer,
but, uh,

it's a choice
between Nestea iced tea

and Pepsi wild cherry.

Um, iced tea's fine.

Thanks...

Dad.

I really missed you, buddy.

I really missed you a lot.

Hold on, mom.

You know what?
Let me call you back.

What?
You come to gloat?

Laugh at what a gullible
idiot I am?

I am so sorry this happened.

For which part?

The fact that my parents
had to bail me out of jail

or that I got kicked out
of law school?

They kicked you out?

What the fuck
did you think they would do --

offer me a T.A. position?

Why did you do it?
I didn't.

Your psycho brother was there.
It was my mom.

She begged this detective
to bust you

to "save me from getting
sucked into the life."

Seriously?

Jesus, Silas.

You come from
some bad stock, man.

Your whole clan
is mega-fucked.

That's...

Why I'm going out on my own.

So what do you want from me?

Your customers.

Why would I give you
my customers?

Because I gave you
the best orgasm of your life?

Oh, honey.

Because I like you.

Nice to hear,
but also not good enough.

Because you hate my mom
right now as much as I do.

Oh, um, slightly bluer green,

more sea-foamy.

These four. Make sure
they have drivers' licenses.

Oh, good. You're home.
We need a coffee run, urgently.

Ask me why I should have been
a musician.

Why should you have been
a musician?

Because I'm playing
that detective like a fiddle.

I just "thanked" him
for helping Silas,

distracted him
with a bullshit family reunion.

Told you I could handle him.

Good.

So, what's the game plan?

Brand management, gearing up

for an investor meeting
later this week.

Does this mean we're
gonna get Stevie back soon?

Havens says
when my finances improve,

I have a really, really
good chance.

Good. I've missed him.
I'm the good big brother.

Stop it.
Silas is a great big brother.

We're all finished with
our detective friend, right?

Yes, mother.

Don't say it like that.
It's creepy.

Yes, mother.

How was that?

It was the best orgasm
of my life.

Really? That's --

Oh. Asshole.

Mmm.

You can have my customers
for 20%.

I have to pay lawyers now.

You want rent money, too?

I got kicked out of the loft.

Are you sure going up against
your mom is the smartest thing?

There's easier ways
to get back at her.

You can get me pregnant.

I'm kidding.

It wouldn't even matter.

Nancy only cares about
her business and herself.

I'll clear some drawers out.

If you're gonna do this,

you're gonna need
people on your side.

No, no.
I'm not a taker of sides.

I -- I float
in the ambiguous middle ground,

still beloved,
my relationships unsullied

once you two idiots
get past this little kerfuffle.

I don't get involved.

And look where you are.

Um, I have my own successful
bike shop.

All right.

Maybe if Jerns
hadn't seen the Times piece

and demanded more money,

or if Pampa hadn't been called
the worst example

of fake neighborhood creation
since Braht.

That's the "blocks right around
the Holland tunnel."

It's a cute area.

I need you.

You're a people person,

and you came so close here.

I think you could be
successful with me,

someone with
ground-floor equity.

Bill Sussman's all about
ground-floor equity.

Kick in some start-up funds,
become my right-hand man.

I give you...

25% of net.

Face it. You are a valuable
commodity, uncle Andy.

Face it.
I'm a valuable commodity.

8% of net.

Silas is offering me 30%!

Alex?
You flipped Alex?

Silas never appreciated
my talents.

No, he didn't.
The big meanie.

I want the computer set up next.

We're set for Thursday.

Oh, great.

Nance, I am offering you

my services at the drug game,
for real.

I feel like you're dismissing
the magnitude of that.

I don't want to get you involved.

Well, maybe it's time
I get involved.

I want to get involved.
Involve me, Nance.

I'll involve you 8%.

I thought about it.
I'm in.

Great.

15%.

No, you said 25%.

Yeah, that was before
you went to Nancy

and tried to shop the deal.

What? That's crazy!
Shane told me, you sneak.

Sneaker.
Sneakers lose percentage.

She only offered me 8%.

She values 8% of me.

You know that woman
will never take you seriously.

But I do.

How about 18%?
It's chai. It's a Jew thing.

You gonna write
that check now or...

Later. 18%.
Okay, okay. Where are we?

I got the number,

and the order's routed
into the cloud now.

Pouncy House customers
are still spooked,

so I'm having one of my guys
make a sales call

to the bigger customers.

Orders rolling in.

Problem is, I --
we're almost out of product.

Where's the MILF?

Heylia's, um...courier's
one or two days away.

I got a line on some Jersey Hydro

and this Vermont Sativa,
but they're both just okay.

We need MILF.

Did you know Alex and Kiku
are working with Nancy?

She -- she stole Alex and Kiku?

Mm-hmm.

Unbelievable.

No wonder they're
ignoring my calls.

I know.
She's unbound, that woman.

Fuck it.

Demetri makes me nervous.

He makes me feel
short and slight,

and I kind of want to touch
his bicep, like, once.

Why is that?

Demetri.

Remember us?
Andy. Silas.

We smoked out at the loft,
and your sister was all

"Argh,
I am scary Russian woman."

I felt we had a vibe.

Me and you,
not me and your sister.

I would never do that.

That's not to say she's not...

I would totally fuck your
sister, is what I'm saying.

Let me start over.

What are you doing here?

My customers love your stuff.

And I'd hate to have to deny them

just because me and Nancy split.

Yeah.

We'll pay you
an extra $150 a pound.

She'll be slow
getting up and running anyway.

She's slow doing a lot of things.

I've been waiting eight years
for her to thank me

for giving up my life
for her, for example.

I don't know, guys.
I'd hate to overstep bounds.

Convince me.

If I had to pick a horse
in this race,

I'd go with the younger,
hungrier one,

not the older, flaky horse

who just spent
three years in jail

and recently slept with her boss.

Well, you've given me
a lot to think about --

both of you.

I'm feeling weird
about the sister stuff.

Was it weird?
I think maybe that it got weird.

Wait. Uh, call me.

We're gonna be nailing down
other supply lines soon,

and I'd hate to not
have room for you,

so, uh, obviously, just, uh,
keep this between us.

Okay?

You kidding?
I'd hate to piss that woman off.

Yeah, totally.

Oh, shit.

Look at you.

Uh...

Wow.

I know. Damn.

He called you
"the old horse."

You gonna stomp him?

I'm done feeling guilty.

Damn right.

You got nothing
to feel guilty about.

He... way crossed the line.

He did. Didn't he?

Yeah.

What are you gonna do, mama?

I'm gonna...
I'm gonna win.

I'm gonna end this, and
he's gonna see how hard it is.

Spank him.

Teach that boy a lesson!

Now let's have angry sex
on the kitchen counter.

Timing, Demetri.

Oh, come on, Heylia.
We're in New York.

I'm not seeing
the goddamn "Lion King."

You promised to respect my needs.

Not if your needs are stupid.
Stop. T-turn here.

Where is Silas?

The bike shop's just
at the end of this alley.

Look at this guy.

Move it, buddy.
Come on!

I'm gonna text Silas,

let him know
that we're pulling up.

Can't wait to see his face
when he sees we came.

This guy is never
gonna get in there.

Your car is too big
for that space!

As any idiot could see.

Apparently, a modern education
doesn't cultivate

qualitative spatial
reasoning anymore,

or a respect for musical theater.

Roll up your window.
What?

Oh, my God.

We're getting mugged
by Sarah Palin.

We're being jacked.

There's a difference?!

Hands on the wheel.

Okay. Okay.

Open the window!

Fuck you.

Open your fucking window!

How about
"hell the fuck no!"?

Aah!

Aah! Heylia!

Dean!

Throw your gun
outside the car now!

You have three seconds!

Shit.
Three...

Two...One.

Dean!

Dean!

Damn.

You okay?

Ocean sounds.

Heylia. Your driver
in the city yet?

What? W-why?
Why was Dean --

I don't -- I don't understand.
I don't understand.

No. No. No.
I did not tell anyone.

Hello?

Gin.

Hello.
Nice to see you all again.

Um, Rick, I think
I still owe you $30

for Judy's retirement gift.

Yeah, don't let me forget.

Gentlemen, I am not a secretary.

I sell marijuana.

Pot's illegality
is the number-one thing

keeping higher-end
customers away.

It's not scarcity
or lack of interest.

Illegality, which to me
is as unamerican...

As the gratuitous
over-regulation

of self-correcting
financial systems.

Got that right.

I have a plan
to help bridge the gap

between that un-serviced
luxury-customer base

and the product.

Dude, dude,
princess Ice Cooter's here.

She's not
supposed to be in today.

I know. I know. Y-y-you got to
go distract her. Go. Go.

Oh! Oh!

What are you doing?

I just wanted to talk to you.

You...are a mean man,
Doug Wilson.

You've made rude gestures,
written me nasty notes,

desecrated my owls.

You farted in my bag.

That was Whit.

You have done nothing but make my
life here thoroughly unpleasant.

Why do you think
I do those things?

Because you
are a schoolyard bully,

picking on
the weakest li--

That's why I do those things.

Feelings.

You're so...

Beautiful?

Yeah.

You have no idea how long I've
waited for this to happen to me.

In catering
to this high-end client,

we will focus on
simplicity and elegance.

One size, two choices.
Head or body high.

What we're really selling here
is exclusivity.

We've hired a P.R. firm
to create

a mysterious and exclusive
social group...

Which is really us.

Shh! Shh!

Phone calls for membership
have been flooding in.

We have been
turning them all down.

87% call back, even more
desperate for membership.

Because nothing makes a rich
person want something more

than telling them
they can't have it.

Membership costs a fee,
naturally,

and after a screening process...

They can start calling in
their orders.

This is all fine and good,
guys, but, uh,

we need liquid cash now.

Yes, um...

The profits
are almost instantaneous

and off the books.

So we can funnel it
wherever we need it.

But more importantly,

we just hooked a big fish

for the triple angel
investor fund

thanks to Nancy's pot.

Creating a luxury market
for marijuana is...clever.

But home delivery's
nothing new in Manhattan.

By bike.
But not by town car.

And not with our messengers.

Ohh.

Hmm?

Mabuhay!
This is Charles Van Der Elst.

Oh, hey! Hey, Charles.

Uh...

How's the cancer and stuff?

If you're receiving this call,
that means two things.

One -- I'm dead.

And two --
you're invited to my funeral.

Wednesday.

Edenwald Cemetery. 1:00 P.M.

Wear purple. No tears.

Just bon voyage,
fellow traveler. So it goes.

What's wrong?

You're stupid.
Nancy's stupid.

Heylia...

...It is great
to see you.

Dean, I'm sure nothing's broken.

Just keep the 18%.

I'm...

It's not worth it.

People don't do this shit
to Heylia James

and get away with it.

I know they don't.

But still...

I'll hold off.

But you're asking a lot.

You're asking
near about everything.

I appreciate that.

Give me some time
to try and make it right.

Fine. I'll give you
till Wednesday night.

What's Wednesday?

I'm gonna take this fool
to see "The Lion King."

All right.

I'm ready.

Military police!
Open up! Freeze, scumbag!

Oh.

Holy shit.

It's not what it looks like.

You swore...

to defend your country,

and here you are,

up to your naked...junk...in drugs.

America would be so disappointed.

Please don't tell America.

Wait.

Y-you said the plane wasn't
coming in until next week.

It isn't.

This is your MILF shit.

What?

You said you wanted
to teach Silas a lesson.

You didn't.

My boys did.

Told you they were
getting bored up on that base.

They hacked
into Silas' cellphone,

found out when the delivery was,

stopped Heylia's drivers,
and relieved them of the pot.

Clean operation.

No. I just wanted him to figure
out he couldn't do it alone.

I didn't ask you to do this.

You can't go to war halfway.

Shit, why do you think
we're still in Iraq?

You need to send
it all back. Now.

Come on!
It was a present.

Have another drink.

Silas, there's been a mistake.

My boys aren't gonna be happy.

Better your boys than mine.

We need to end this.
I'm gonna text you an address.

You can meet me there
in the morning, okay?

Wait.

You need to give it all back.

My mom did this to me.

Mm-hmm.

You know
how I s-- said

that the only two things
she really cares about

are her business and herself?

Mm-hmm.

There's one other thing.

Hello?

Uh, Ms. Botwin.
Judge Franklin in Oakland.

Let me get right to the point.

Your lawyer has presented me
with a compelling argument.

So, what was so important

that you needed to come in
and talk to me?

Release documents
from the halfway house,

notice of venture funding...

...and a letter of commendation
from the S.E.C. for some reason.

Um, I've also been talking
to your son's guardian, Scott,

off the record.

What airline?

Jetblue.

Why the fuck would we
want to reduce the charges?

All of which is to
say, Ms. Botwin, I'm impressed.

I'm impressed by your dedication
to turning your life around.

I've -- I've worked
really hard. I have.

Stop here.

Silas was never involved
in Pouncy House,

not even a little.

His mother just wanted
the competition gone,

and you did that for her.

Well, nothing's
written in stone yet,

but, um, you might want to start
shopping for a toddler bed.

Oh, my God.

Congratulations, Nancy.

Thanks.

Thank you.

So, this apartment would just be
for you and your son?

Yes.

How old is he?

He's 4.

Your attention, please...

Ohh. I have, like, five
white wines and they cut me off.

Let it go, Jill.

I'm glad you called.

Mwah!

You are doing the right thing,
by the way.

Driver, why aren't we going?

I have not been back
to New York City in so long.

Oh, I cannot wait to take a walk
through Central Park.

Or maybe I'll get
one of those buggy rides.

Oh, those poor horses.

They make them wear
those blinders.

Driver.

Does he even speak English?