Weeds (2005–2012): Season 6, Episode 13 - Theoretical Love Is Not Dead - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

Pilar Zuazo. I want her dead.

I want it done today.

- I held up my end.
- Sure. It's no problem.

I'm your boy, right?

How did that work?
You guys dated in high school?

I don't know.
We did that on and off thing for a while.

- Nothing official, but hey...
- I think I'm your son.

I'm writing this article
with or without you, Nancy,

so fill in the blanks
or I'm gonna do it myself.

Fine. Ask me a question already.



Okay. Who killed Pilar Zuazo?

That night,
Pilar escorted me out of the party.

Passports, plane tickets,
whatever else we need, just go get it.

This will only cover the passports.

I'll get the money.

American passports are too tough.

I could do Iceland.

Every time I'm walking down that tunnel.
Every time.

And once I find out what's at the end,
I'll figure it out then.

But at least I'll know. I'll know.

And why would you not wanna know?

And why would you not wanna know?

This is the final call for
Air Caelum's Flight 966 to Paris.

No, every time I'm walking down that tunnel.
Every time.



And once I find out what's at the end,
I'll figure it out then.

But at least I'll know. I'll know.

And why would you not wanna know?

Guillermo.

So, you two guys are back together?

I guess it's only fitting that
since I broke you up...

Here's your passport.

Here's your plane ticket. We take off at 6:10.

- I'm not coming.
- Okay.

Nancy, your mother,

who not only gave unto you her egg,

but raised you and fed you and loved you
and wiped your ass

and provided a pretty great father for you,
despite his early exit...

Your mother wants us all together.

It's not about what she wants anymore.

I wanna get to know my sperm daddy.

Sperm daddy?

- Birth father, whatever.
- No, no, no, no.

You said "sperm daddy." That's so weird.

Hey, faux uncle and half brother,
we gotta go.

Schiff's freaking out every time
he sees the meter go up 50 cents.

I'm not coming.

Fine. Let's go. Bye, Silas.

Sit the fuck down.
Enough with this jaded bullshit.

Enough with this, "I don't care,
I've seen it all, I'm dead inside." You're not.

And you're gonna miss me.

I'm going to Europe.
You're sitting here in dear-shit Michigan.

- In a garage.
- Please. Please.

Choose to not be a dick.

That's your parting words?
Your brotherly advice?

"Don't be a dick"?

Yes.

- Asshole.
- Psycho.

My old math teacher is at the door
asking for you guys.

It's Copenhagen time. Come on, Mike.

Come with us. Big fun.

- Say goodbye to Lars Guinard.
- Andy,

I'm done.

Okay.

Not so long ago,

I stood in a room and a beautiful woman
told me goodbye,

and I took her at her word, and I got an F.

'Cause I was supposed to fight for her.

But I failed.

Well, I don't wanna fight.

And I'm not some woman
you were once engaged to.

We didn't even get to first base.

There.

Now we've been to first base.

- Are they...
- No.

I love you.

I love you, too.

You sure they're not...

I'm saying goodbye to my nephew
who I love, who I'm gonna miss,

and who I might never see again.

- Technically, he's not your nephew.
- Shut the fuck up, Lars Guinard.

Come on, Shane.

- You wanna wake the dead?
- Please let me ride in the car.

- We're going to the airport.
- Let me ride in the car.

Don't want you to miss your flight.

Listen, please, let me ride in the car.

- Can I ride in the car? Please.
- No.

- Stevie's not at the airport.
- Yeah, we'll see.

You don't believe me?

- No.
- Well, he's not.

Yeah, then, where is he?

He's somewhere safe.

She's full of shit.

Yeah, we'll know soon enough.

Esteban? Who's seen that tape?

It's a DVD.

People don't use tape no more.

All copies are in my control.

And unless I get my son,

it'll be turned over to the police.

And your son will be arrested for murder.

You sure you wanna do that?
'Cause once upon a time, I knew a lot.

Saw a lot, heard a lot.

I could talk. I like to talk.

No shit.

Bribery, extortion,
blackmail, bank accounts,

missing DEA agents,

dead journalists in the trunks of sedans.

All that could come out.
All of it if my son's arrested.

Dead hoes tell no tales.

Shut up, Guillermo.
I'm trying to talk to my husband.

Hi, husband.

God. Wow!

God.

I remember when you used to hit me
and it was sexy.

Remember that?

The spanking, back of the limo?
You remember that?

No, I remember when you took my son.
That is all I remember.

Could I have a tissue, please?

Enough with my nose already.

Thank you.

Esteban.

Esteban.

I'm still alive. Can I read into that?

You have my son.

That's all.

I wish I spoke Icelandic.

Calm the fuck down and talk like Bjork.
It's all gonna be fine.

Who the hell is Bork?

Supreme Court nominee
from the Reagan administration.

That's good.

Follow my lead.

Would you like to go in front of me?

Go ahead, 'cause I gotta
deal with the baby for a minute.

Next in line. Step through.

Go ahead, I'm just gonna... Fussy kid.

Your attention please.
Please remove your shoes, jackets

and any clothing containing metal before
passing through the metal...

This is racist and stupid.

Shane, my dear boy,
I have learned to rely on one thing...

Liquids and carry-on baggage
must be in individual containers

with a maximum capacity of three...

...the shallow

stupidity

of people.

Step this way, please. Sir, please.

- Holy shit.
- Go, go. That's us.

- Schiff, how are you gonna work it?
- I'm fine.

I got my own passport. I'm an American.

I'll be just loud, dumb and enthusiastic.

Excellent. It's show time.

And where's the mother?

Coming.

- She's coming here soon.
- She's returning the rental car.

I can't let you go through without
permission from the mother.

She wrote a note for us.

She is so smart.

She thought we might have this problem.
I said, "Of course not."

She said, "Let me write a note just in case."

There we go.

Okay, have a safe trip.

Going to Paris, France.

Have fun.

Next.

That was incredible!

Way to go, TSA.
When did Mom write that note?

I wrote it. Signed her name.

Thinking ahead. I'm that good.

Wasn't Nancy supposed to be here by now?

Yeah, she'll be here. Don't worry.
She'll meet us at the gate.

What are those?

I'm training for
the Guadalajara Half Marathon.

They're my barefoot shoes.

I'm connecting with the earth
and avoiding heel strike.

You don't look very fit.

Yeah, well, my resting
heart rate's down to 58, bitch.

So, fuck you.

You look gay holding my purse.

Gate 215.

He's not there.

I don't believe you.
We need to buy tickets to get to the gate.

So, we buy tickets.

Are you okay?

Yeah, she's fine. Thank you.

Take her into the bathroom. Clean her up.

I don't suppose I could have that back?

No.

Your call has been forwarded
to an automatic message system.

- Nathalie.
...is not available.

What are you doing?

They told me
that it was gonna be a full flight.

So?

So, I hate strangers
sitting next to me when I fly.

So, if someone approaches my aisle
and looks like they're gonna sit down,

I just flash them my Jesus hat

and most beatific smile and say,
"Hello, friend."

- That's genius.
- Some people will sit in the toilet

the whole flight
rather than park it next to me.

What if an actual believer comes
and sits in the middle seat

and actually wants to talk scripture
with you the entire flight?

Then I just watch porn on my laptop.

Tilt your head back and pinch.

I know how to deal with a bloody nose,
but thanks.

Hell no. Get out of here!

My girlfriend needs help.

It's okay, honey, you can step out.

She's fine. Get out of here
before you freak people out. Go on.

Yeah. You better go
before she calls security.

You got 30 seconds.

Hey, do you have a cell phone
I can borrow, please?

Sure, honey. Here.

Thank you.

Did Mr. Freaky Shoes do that to you?

Yeah. Yeah, we had a fight.

Lord!

Andy.

Shut up. Yeah, yeah, shut up.

It's plan C.

Plan C... No. Seriously, it's C.

We're at the airport, so is Esteban.

Yeah, bye.

I'm sure she'll be here soon.

That makes one of us.

She's Mom. Who knows what she's up to.

Come on. Come on.

I'd like to buy two tickets
for Flight 966 to Paris.

Here's my passport, my credit card.
Thank you.

Yeah. That flight is fully booked.

Okay, then, please sell me two tickets
for any flight leaving this terminal.

Any flight?
You don't care where you're going?

No.

My computer just froze.

I'll be right back.

You got the tickets?

No. His computer froze.

No, it didn't.

No, it didn't.

You're a foreign national buying
last-minute tickets to Europe.

Money is no object.

If you'd ordered the halal meal,
you might have hit the trifecta.

Here they come.

Excuse me, Mr. Reyes.
May I please see your passport, sir?

Sure.

Excuse me, sir.

I think you might've picked up my ticket
and my passport by mistake.

- No, I don't think so.
- He's with me.

Yeah, I think you did.
Would you mind looking?

Do you have this woman's ticket
and passport, sir?

Wow. Look at that.

- My mistake. I'm so sorry.
- No, no, it's my fault.

It was my fault. I set it down on the counter.

Could've happened to anybody
whose also from Iceland.

Nice to meet a fellow national.

If you two gentlemen would please
follow me to security,

we have a few questions
we'd like to ask you.

Yeah, sure.

Who is he talking to on the phone anyway?

I don't know.

God, she's always late.

She was late for class,
she was late for dinner.

- Late for dinner?
- Yeah, we used to have dinner.

Of course there was no cooking
at her house.

Then again,
there was no cooking in my house.

But I used to get her Lean Cuisines.
She loved that.

- How old was she?
- Fifteen.

- Fourteen.
- And how old were you?

Let's just say that I was old enough to
know better and young enough not to care.

I loved her. And then she outgrew me.

And then she left.

But she came back.

It's so Lolita.

You know,
I'm not going anywhere without her.

There she is.

Thank you. Nancy!

Did you do what I asked you to do?

- Yeah. But...
- Where's the baby?

He's right over there with Shane and Warren.

Where's Silas?

He's not coming.

No. Andy, the family's leaving. Where is he?

I can't believe you just...

Nance, get on the plane with us,
'cause they're boarding now.

- I can't believe you just let him.
- Esteban's not here.

He isn't safe.

I didn't just let him, he's not a kid.

- Where is he?
- He's with Lars.

Lars has very white teeth.

He played hockey. They're fake.
Do you have a number?

No, you can call him from Copenhagen.

No, I can't. You know I can't.

What's up between those two?

Who knows? Always drama.

- Well, did they ever...
- No.

I can't believe you just let him stay.

I can't believe you can't understand why.

Rows seventeen...

That's us.

Nance, plan A.

- Lf we move fast, it's not too late.
- No.

Plan C.

God, you've ruined my life.

I know. I'm sorry. Stop it. Stop it.

Not to mention you lied to my brother
and made him raise another man's baby.

When are we gonna deal with that?

I know. I'm the downfall of all Botwin men.

And Guinard and Reyes.

We gotta get with the getting.

I'm gonna change the baby.
You guys go ahead.

I changed him less than an hour ago.

It's a long flight, and it's...
Bathrooms are small.

His diaper's puffy. I'll just be a sec. Okay.

Go, go, go.

Shane.

Grab me a pillow and a blanket.

- Okay.
- We're gonna lose all that overhead space.

We gotta hurry.

- We'll see you onboard, Nance.
- Thanks, Warren.

Go fast, okay?

I need to go back,
I think I forgot something.

What'd you forget?

Whatever you need,
we can buy it when we land.

Gum. Gum. I need gum.
My ears get really clogged.

I got gum.

Move into the row. You're blocking the aisle.

- I want the aisle seat.
- Just move in.

No, you take the window.
I want the aisle seat.

Fine.

I got... Didn't he hear me say I had gum?

- I need to get off.
- What's wrong?

Jitters.

He's afraid to fly.

The doctor told me,
"Give him half a Xanax."

I was gonna wait, but could I trouble you
for a Sprite or something?

Sure.

She's not coming, is she?

No, she's not.

Air Caelum Flight 966
with non-stop service to Paris, France.

At this time, all passengers may board
through gate 215.

I'm an idiot.

I'm an idiot with the worst fucked-up timing
on Earth.

No, it was perfect.
We pop out of security, he's walking in.

It was like fate.

Silas, get on the plane.

Silas, get on the plane.
Esteban, take the baby.

What about you?

I don't have time to have
this conversation right now.

Fine.

Good luck with your new-old fucked-up life.

That's right.

I pick Stevie. He's fresh.
You're cooked. Just go.

Please, when you kill her,
let us know, okay?

Final boarding call for Air Caelum...

Just for closure.

...Flight 966 with non-stop service
to Paris, France.

Final boarding call.

Will passengers Mike Newman
and Nathalie Newman

- please check in at gate 215.
- Silas.

Lars was teaching me
how to change spark plugs.

Couldn't stay away, huh?

Like you always said, I'm not very bright.

Did you see her?

You did tell her to shake a leg,
didn't you, Midas?

I'm not going anywhere.

Yeah, you told me that once before.

Yeah, I meant it at the time.

Okay. Okay, okay, okay. Here you go.

Attention, passengers,
please remain seated.

There will be a slight delay.

- Just like your mother.
- Please remain in your seats.

Waiting till the last possible moment
so she can make a big entrance.

Mr. Warren Schiff?

Hello, friend.

You're not my friend, are you?

Please stand and follow me off the plane,
Mr. Schiff.

Why?

What'd I do?

I'm only taking a vacation.

Mr. Schiff, you're under arrest

for the suspected burglary
of a United States postal office.

Now please stand up
and follow me off the plane.

My partner will follow you.

You're a lucky guy.
You get the whole row to yourself.

And I'm leaving you my sleep wedge,
because you look like a fine, young man.

Take good care of it.

It's very expensive.

One second.

I'm good.

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.
We will now be on our way.

Please make sure that
your seat belts are securely fastened

and kindly turn your attention
to the screens.

We'd like to play
a short safety video for you.

Now, if this was a confession, which it isn't,

because I'm innocent,

but theoretically speaking,
if I were to do something,

like rob the post office,

it would be because
I loved someone very, very much,

and I always will.

Theoretical love is not dead.

Hurray for us all.

Come on. Let's go.

- I wanna see the plane take off.
- It'll take off.

I have what I want in your arms.

Let's go.

So, what do we do now?

We had quite the road trip,
lots of adventures.

How's Cesar?

He's retired.

Retired, retired,

like golf and early bird dinner retired,
or your version of retired?

Like no longer living retired?

No, he's home with his family.

He's thinking about buying a boat.

I never figured him for the nautical type.

You could've come to me.
We would've worked it out.

I panicked.

A thousand chances you had.
And you took my child away.

- You kidnapped Shane.
- As a last measure.

- And he's a killer.
- So are you.

So is Guillermo.

Except when you're supposed to be, fucker.

Deal-breaker fucker.

Are you surprised I wasn't
your little errand boy no more, Blanca?

Don't you get it?

I fucking hate you.

You love me, you sociopathic piece of shit.

We're homies.

I'm gonna kill you, homie.

Gangland style. Ugly.

Like your shoes?

My shoes are awesome.

So, the police won't know
anything about Shane?

You are a devoted mother, aren't you?

You'll say nice things about me to Stevie?

I'll tell him his mother loved him very much.

She was willing to sacrifice
everything for him.

Even her life.

How about a farewell fuck?

That's crass. And it won't save you.

- What will?
- Nothing.

- Except plan C.
- What's that?

Hands up! Hands up! FBI!

Nancy Botwin.

I killed Pilar Zuazo. Please arrest me.

Federal agents. Keep your hands in the air.

Please.