Weeds (2005–2012): Season 6, Episode 11 - Viking Pride - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

We need to go far, far away.

Copenhagen.

- We're gonna need passports.
- Okay.

One more stop first.

Mr. Schiff, the math teacher
she boned in high school.

Nancy.

Are you sure you're okay
with everybody staying here?

What's mine is yours.

Lars Guinard.

A loser boyfriend of your mother's.



What's this Lars guy look like?

He looked liked you.

What the fuck are you doing?

You can't just ring some guy's doorbell
and ask if he's someone's father.

Hey. Can I help you, bros?

We noticed your car's for sale.

Let me grab the keys.

He is so your fucking dad.

- Go to hell.
- Yeah. Hell-sinki.

No kid comes here to smoke hash.

I need up, not down.

One part grain alcohol, a dash of hash.

A hint of Red Bull.

My super-secret ingredient.



I'm on fuego.

It's perfect.

I'll take ten cases.

All right.

Nancy Price? Ellis Tate. From high school.

Do you want to get a coffee or something?

My number.

I found her.

So, I'll have the rest for you tomorrow,
and you will, too, right?

Don't worry. Check it out.
It's "Wax On, Wax Off" night.

Ladies who show me the bald stuff
get in free.

What about the guys that
show you the bald stuff?

What the fuck? That's just sick.

Thank you.

So, you have all the connections, right?
Like you have all the hook-ups?

I'm Hooman. What you need?

Passports.

Shit. For drugs?

Listen up, Morocco. That's the place.
I know a guy there.

No. Okay. But, no. I just need passports.

That's cool. I got the joint.

I'll text you his info.
You call first, set an appointment,

and when you send your man over,
he should say Jaka sent him. We're tight.

When I send my man over?

He's not gonna deal with a woman.

No. Of course not. Why do you do that?

That whole sexist thing? That whole
oppression thing? Why do you do that?

You guys scare the shit out of us.

Funny Mike.
I told you, man, the car's off the market.

How'd the girlfriend take it?

She was thrilled. Hopes me and the car
will be very happy together.

You sure keeping the car is worth all this?

I'm onto you, kid. No sale.

You got me.
Thought I'd give it one last shot.

I can respect that.

Hey, you need a hand with any of this stuff?

Yeah, set it right there.
Right, right... All right.

You should mail her
all those hair trimmings.

That shit got everywhere.
Another thing I'm not gonna miss.

Wait, how old are you?

Nineteen.

I'm no cop.

Nineteen.

When I was 19,
I was in a Whitesnake cover band.

You could have gone camping in my hair.

God, the stupid things I did to get laid.

In your bitchin' Camaro.

That's right.

Hey, Lars, where'd you go to high school?

East Dearborn. "Take a liking to a Viking."

Really?

My mom went there. Nancy Price?

Shut the fuck up.

You're Nancy Price's kid? Dude, I used to...

Your mom was my girlfriend.

Seriously?

You don't look anything like her.

So, I'm thinking of getting a bunk bed set
for you and Midas,

but I don't wanna hear a lot of yelling
about who gets the top.

I don't think we're gonna be here
for that long, Mr. Schiff.

And you know, I think we can get
a little wall in here

and give you guys a little privacy.

And you're right, you're only gonna be here
a little while longer,

and then it's just gonna be
me and your mom.

And your hair dye.

You think it works?

- Mom.
- Hey.

Swan and I were bonding.

Sweet. Honey, could you empty the car?

Yeah.

Wanna see some plans?

Some plans?

If I empty out the second bedroom,
you get an enormous closet space.

And you use the master, of course.

And I can put the massage table
right here next to the bed.

I don't want you to go to all that trouble.

The trouble is all behind us.

Oh, Warren. Do you remember
a student from high school

- named Ellis Tate?
- Ellis Tate.

- Yeah.
- Big black guy? No, that's Enos.

Yeah. Ellis Tate. I think I do.

Yeah, yeah. Nebbishy, white guy, glasses...

Fat girl.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure.

I remember she was very good at geometry
and lunch.

Okay, that pure fun-magic showerhead.

Pure fun and magical.
First it was green, and then it was red,

and then holy shit, I'm showering blue.
It's like I'm shrooming.

Only thing that would've made it better
is a large-breasted fairy in there with me.

Andy, can I talk to you?

Check it out, guys. Purifying wand.
I'm so over Brita.

After everything else you ingest,
you're worried about water?

I got a lead on passports.

Nice work, Nancy Drew.

The address is in there.
Along with cash and our pictures.

- You're not coming with?
- Apparently, it's a no-lady zone.

Turkish bath?

Hey, what'd you use for my picture?

The one
where I'm eating cheesecake on a stick?

Okay. That's cool.

No, I just assumed
you had your own passport.

Well, not on me.

All right, I got some calls to make.

Tell him Hooman Jaka sent you.

Hooman Jaka. Loved him in Star Wars.

Hi. Can you point me towards
the old yearbooks?

If you're looking for Bob Seger,
those ones were vandalized years ago.

Bob is an acquired taste.
I was looking for '84 to '87 actually.

Nobody good in those years.

But hang on, I'll get them.

Nancy Price.

Hi there.

Patricia Davies.

Sure. Right.

We were in the same class together,
here, at this school.

Patricia. Of course. Great to see you.

So, do you have kids here?

No. I'm just looking up old yearbooks.
You know, Viking pride.

Viking pride. Right. Right.

You told Maureen Byrne I was a prude.

In the locker room after gym.

You said, if I ever let a dick inside me,
it would turn into a popsicle.

Then everyone started calling me
"Popsicle Patty."

Patricia, wow. I have no memory of that,

but that was mean of me.

Sorry.

I slept with 14 guys my junior year.

I got kicked out of my house.

Never quite made it to college.

I'm just waiting on the librarian.

Oh, Phyllis. She takes her time.

Which is why they hired me,
the librarian's assistant.

Fun stuff.

I have had herpes for 27 years.

But I am no prude.

'84 through '87. We all miss those days.

- It was lots of fun.
- Yeah.

Bitch!

Ellis, hi.

Nancy. Price, yeah.

Listen, turns out
I am feeling kind of nostalgic.

Yeah. Yeah, let's.

Where are you staying?

Okay.

Why don't we meet halfway?

D'Angelo's on Miller Road?

Yeah, when?

Okay, perfect.

Yeah, bye.

Daoud Mahmud.
Please, if you're hurt, do not stand for me.

Randy Newman. And I'm not injured.

Though I did lose some toes
to an Armenian dog once.

This Armenian dog, actual dog
or an angry reference to a national?

I am looking to get some passports.

So go to the passport office.

No. "Passports."

Passports for bunny rabbits?

"What's he talking about?"
"I don't know."

"He must be police."

Police? No, no. Hooman Jaka sent me.
I'm sorry. I should've led with that.

Hooman.

That fucking piece of shit, cocksucker.
I spit on Hooman Jaka.

You're his friend?

Friend? No, no. I've never even met the guy.
What a jackass.

We've done a little business together.

So, you're a crook piece of shit, too.

Okay, if I may, fuck Jaka.

I had to get to you, Daoud, for my family.

I had to find you
and pray that you could help us.

Think of me and my family as farmers,
seeking shade in a summer drought,

with a plague of locusts eating our fields.

My father was a farmer.

In Jordan.

When I make my "fuck you" money,
I will retire and follow in his footsteps.

Except in Kansas,
and with a staff to do the actual work.

We were just in Kansas. Godspeed.

Did I mention, I have a very cute baby
in grave danger?

Takes after his mother.

I sense your desperation.

Thank you.

Come to this address. Tonight. 5:00.

Another address.
Okay, could you MapQuest it for me,

'cause the roads around here...
I'm gonna leave a little extra time.

Okay, so what about
a baseball theme for the bedroom?

Yeah. You're out of bread.

Look, you just make a list
of your favorite things

and we'll stock up on some of them.

I don't know if you should be drinking that.

And don't forget to include
some stuff for your mother.

Unless she's still trying
to live on Doritos and Tab.

Dude, give up the dream.

Look, I'm not an idiot.

I know she's not committed.

Yet. But, your mother loved me once,

and that will happen again.

How out of touch are you? We're leaving.

Like on a family vacation?

Yeah. Just like that,
only we're never coming back.

No.

No, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

This can't be happening.

Not again.

She just returned.
She can't just leave me again.

- I can't swallow.
- Hey, Warren?

- I can't swallow.
- Relax. I didn't mean right away.

And what does that mean? "Relax, Warren."

Everybody's always telling me
to, "Relax, Warren. Relax."

What does that... What do you mean?

For months? For weeks? What?

Have you answered me?

There's something happening,
really weird, with my eyes.

Are you bouncing?

How did that work? You guys dated
in high school and it fizzled out?

Something like that. I don't know.

We did that on-and-off thing for a while.
Holiday break hook-ups.

Nothing official, but hey, sometimes
a faucet still drips after you turn it off.

It was sweet, though.
You know?

- Want another...
- I think I'm your son.

I think I'm your son.

Here's the thing. I'm probably wrong.
I don't know anything for sure.

It's just that timing-wise, it could be,
and maybe you haven't noticed,

but we kind of look... Should I stand?

No.

Let's both sit.

Wait, so, have you asked her?

No. No, not yet.

Mother of shit.

Yeah, that pretty much covers it.

I'm sorry, I should go.
I didn't mean to drop this on you.

I don't know what I meant to do,

but I don't want you to feel
like you have to do anything

or take care of me or be my dad or whatever.

I'm gonna take off. Thanks for the beer.

I hope you understand the need for this.

You can never be sure of
who's listening in the office.

Totally. So, I need five American.

No.

American passports are too tough.

I could do Iceland. Their economy
has tanked and they're on fire.

That's good for you.

$5,000 each, half in cash up front.

Deal. Except I only have $3,000.

I was right. You are a crook piece of shit.

See you.

Wedding insanity.

A wedding. Wow. Congratulations.

No. Do not congratulate me. Hooman Jaka
is to be my daughter's husband.

Hooman. Yes. We hate Hooman.

Shiite piece of garbage.

Right. You're not Shia, I take it.

Of course not. I'm Jordanian Sunni.

You think I will let my daughter
marry a Shiite?

To plant a tomato in a corn field?

No, tomatoes are over here and corn
is over here. That's common sense.

Randy, my desperate, crooked friend,

I have a proposal for you.

I will get you your passports.

In return, you will make certain
this wedding does not happen.

I see. So, you want me to break them up?

Break them up? No. Not good enough.

Dead.

I want him dead.

Okay. Or, I could just break them up.

I've already tried that with somebody
much more handsome than you.

Maybe in the conventional terms
of your culture...

Listen to me. If you want your passports,
you will kill that douchebag and fast.

I have to put down a deposit
for the caterer next week.

So, do we have our passports?

Slight bend in that river.

What?

Do we need more money?

No. We need Shane.

- What?
- We have to kill somebody.

Hooman, actually.
He's supposed to marry Daoud's daughter.

Really?

He is kind of a douche.

Nancy.

I'm not killing anybody.

I know. I know. Just...
We really, really need those passports.

Just get creative.

"Get creative"?

I'm always getting creative
while you're out getting...

Where are you, anyway?

- I gotta go. Sorry. Sorry, I gotta go.
- Nancy, hang on.

You hos always leaving stuff behind.

Now find your bag of dildos and make sure
you lock the door on the way out.

I'll just be a minute.

Thank you.

Guess I'm not so good
at this undercover thing.

Fuck!

- Who are you?
- Shit.

- Creepy stalking son-of-a...
- Journalist.

What?

Journalist. San Diego County Tribune.

See for yourself.

"Vaughn Coleman."

People always assume I'm black.

Why are you following me?

Because I'm writing your story.

Hey, little boy. You want some candy?

Jesus.

Your mom never even mentioned this guy.
When did they date?

The timing adds up.

Wonky math does not a father make.

You haven't seen him.

What, he's blonde?

There's plenty of Nordic in our family.
You never heard of Great Uncle Hans?

Yeah. Crazy Finn.
You are Judah's son, no question.

I was there on the day you were born.
I saw him staring at you for hours,

in total awe.

Probably looking for a resemblance.

Okay. So, you met a cool guy...
Wait, is he cool?

He drives a Camaro.

Weak.

He's easy.

Okay, you met an easy guy, who looks
like you, that your mom used to date.

Fuck. My point is, he's not your dad.
Judah's your dad.

But you're looking for something. I get that.

I'm not looking for anything.

I just wanna fucking know the truth
for a change.

Truth is, you're a Botwin.

Admittedly, that can be difficult.
We're a brood of tortured souls.

But that's the beauty of a tribe.
We can kvetch.

Maybe I'll kvetch to Mom about this.

Great idea.

Talk to her. She'll clear it all up.

I have so much energy.

Okay, see, he's not doing it right.

You gotta embrace
the light and dark equally.

She's my true north,
and if she leaves me, I'm nothing.

So, if she leaves me, I'm gonna kill myself.

Bummer.

All right, killer. I hate to break the news
to you, man, but I gotta take off.

I'm gonna grab my passport
and be back hopefully by tomorrow.

You got my cell number, right?

What do you think?

Okay, well, Andy's got it.
Do not leave for Copenhagen without me.

What am I supposed to do with Teach?

Keep an eye on him. Make sure he eats.

And don't let him sleep on his back.

Always the babysitter. Awesome.

You need to update your photo, Vaughn.
Time hasn't been good to the old hairline.

So, tell me. What...

Everything. Tell me everything you know.

Actually, I was hoping
you'd tell me everything you know.

Okay, I started out doing a story
on Esteban Reyes

and his connection to Pilar Zuazo.

Then, she turned up dead.

And you, American wife of Mexican
politicianlgangster, disappeared.

You should go back to San Diego.

Write about Comic-Con
and Captain Magnetard or whatever.

You think I'm some sort of
a jerk-off basement blogger?

I've won awards.

If you print a single word, I'll deny it all.

To that fact-checker person. I can do that.

That's from a movie, Nancy.

This isn't Almost Famous.

I'm gonna do this story
with or without your input.

I'll fill in details if I have to.
It would make me sad,

I do have my ethics, but hey,
James Frey still has a book deal.

And I want mine.

What if there isn't anything to tell?

Drugs, tunnels, murder...

I know my fucking story.

Who else knows we're here?

My editor knows I found you,
but I didn't tell him where.

But if I was able to find you,
how long before the bad guys find you?

And I don't mean the FBI.

Because they will. Soon.

But we can expose them first.

- I can help you.
- Clark Kent to my rescue.

Are you telling me, after all's said and done,

you don't want your story on the record?

- Hey, I'm Nathalie's guy.
- Who?

The drink. I help make the drink.

Bro! That drink is popping off in here.

Good. Yeah. Yeah.

Dudes are like, "What!"

Three chicks just did a dirty carpool
right in the middle of the dance floor.

- What?
- Exactly.

We've been calling this shit
"The Leg-Spreader."

Oh, really?
We were gonna call it 72 Virgins, or C4.

Right? 'Cause it makes you explode.

Not cool.

Sorry. Leg-Spreader?

Hell, yeah. You got more for me?

Not yet.
I'm here with some slightly bad news.

I've been asked to kill you.

Bill me? No, I already paid Nathalie the cash.

Kill you.

You're punking.

"Blumpkin"?

What the fuck are you talking about?

Mr. Mahmud wants you dead.
Don't worry, we're not killers.

Not me anyway.

Mr. Mahmud?
I sent you guys to him for passports.

Sort of a cruel twist.

Anyway, it turns out he hates you,

and would rather do anything
than let you marry his daughter,

which includes having you killed.

I've been nothing but good to his daughter.

You see me dipping it in the candy here?

- No.
- No.

It's because I'm Shia, isn't it?
Fucking racist Jordanian piece of shit.

Look, I think we can help you.
Want us to help you?

I guess so.

Yeah. Okay. That's the spirit.
And hey, you get to help us, too.

Bro-five!

- What?
- Nothing. I forgot where I was for a sec.

Let's talk.

You better keep up your end
of the bargain or I...

You know my history.

You'll marry me?

Kidding, kidding. Sorry.

I promise. I'll hold up my end.

My name is Nancy Botwin.