Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 9 - Suck 'n' Spit - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

Can't get our weed
without a court.

I will help you.
After I slam his dick...

- ...in this drawer.
- I can do this.

You're Pretty! will front you
the products you need...

...to put yourself on the road
to financial freedom.

I can sell a lot more makeup
if I give a free gift.

Oh, no. I can't steal their weed.

No, you just tell them that you got
ripped off by black people.

- Strike a pose, Harm.
- They really wanna have sex.

Both of them? Use condoms.



All I know is some Mexi-cunt
screeches at you...

...suddenly the marriage is off.

She is just protecting
my public image.

No. Because she owns you.

I am the father of this child.

I couldn't put Esteban's name
on the birth certificate.

So you put my name on it.

I'm not doing this for you.
This is for me.

I want something that matters.

This is unacceptable.
My son will be baptized.

Sorry, he's Jewish.

My son's not gonna be raised
by that pendejo.

That pendejo sticks around.
And he's not a coward.

Andy?



I need the bed, Andy.

- It lives here.
- I made up the couch for you.

Soft.

- Lots of blankets.
- Great.

Enjoy it.

No. Jesus.

So are you and Esteban over?

Looks that way.

He's pissed about
the Jew thing, huh?

I have no idea, Andy.
Why don't you ask him?

Can you turn off the light, please?

No. My bed, my rules.

Okay, there's some things
I wanna say.

- Of course there are.
- First, physical contact.

If we have to share a bed,
don't even think about spooning me.

That's not happening.

Second. Pillows. I use three:

under the head, between the legs,
and a hugger.

Third, night farts happen.

Especially since I've been dieting.

So beware when you lift the covers,
and don't expect apologies.

Andy!

I need sleep! One night of sleep!
In a bed!

No sounds, no lights, nothing!

Fine. Well, just so you know,
I'm not your rebound guy.

He's winding up. Go get him.

- What about Lupita?
- It's her night off.

You wanted to be a daddy.

This is your big chance.
Night feeding.

It's where the big boys play.

- This is just so you can have the bed.
- Yes, it is.

There's breast milk in the fridge.

You can warm it up in the bottle
in a pot of hot water. And test it.

And don't forget to burp him.
And sing. He likes that.

"Me and Mrs. Jones."

Seriously?

"We got a thing going on."

Can you check on the baby?

I fed him.

He probably pooped.
That's how babies work.

I was thinking
that you could handle the poop...

...and I would amuse him
by making funny faces.

You can make funny faces
while you wipe his butt.

I'm gonna pump.

Okay.

What? I just changed him.

He's hungry again.

He wants his mommy.

I'm empty, from the last pumping.
Go pop a bottle in his mouth.

You're trying to break me,
aren't you?

No. This is what parenting is.

Shit and food.

Shit.

And food. Mostly shit.

Wiping shit.

Keeping them away from shit.
Minimizing the external shit.

It's parenting. Shit.

What above love?

It's there, it's just buried
under all the shit.

I still feel used.

Talk after you've had something...

...clamped to your breast
every three to four hours.

You think I never had
my nipples clamped?

- Ashley Stepanski --
- Like I care. Go. He's crying.

Go, go.

So after the judge signs off
on the release form...

...and after I get the pot
from the cop at the evidence locker...

...I put it in a black duffel.

I bought one for this.
I'm not gonna charge you.

I threw it in the back of my car...

...but on my way home,
Marine View Road is closed.

So I detour onto Pacific,
but I didn't know...

...that it would take me
to Chula Vista.

So I'm lost. I don't have GPS,
so I stop at a gas station.

But the attendant
only speaks Bengali...

...so I ask a couple of guys selling
stuffed tigers outside the mini-mart...

...if they know how to get to Ren Mar.
Next thing, I wake up in the backseat.

They got everything.
Your pot is gone.

I've got a crooked dick,
and there's no pot?

Silas, you understand.
You know, it wasn't my fault.

I'm the victim here.

Hey, Shane.

Holy shit, nice bar.

- Can we get drunk?
- Hi.

- I'm not sure....
- Go ahead, tell him.

Tell me what?

- There's this thing....
- It hurts when we pee.

- It might be nothing.
- Or it might be chlamydia.

- See anything?
- Nothing on the underside.

What's the white stuff
under the head?

It's just lotion from this morning.

- This morning?
- Nothing. I don't know.

Oh, shit. Okay, didn't see anything.
Have fun, kids. Have fun.

Nope, I'm back.

Can't allow this.
Doesn't seem very responsible.

On the one hand, I approve
of the triangle formation...

...and the daring use of spotlights.

- On the other hand....
- I might have something.

- Not tonsillitis, I'm guessing.
- We all have chlamydia.

Okay, everyone out. Dancer, Prancer,
go tell your own parents.

Go, go. Don't have any
sexual encounters on the way home.

And, Shane, button up, and then
we'll go get this checked out.

- It's fine. It's nothing.
- It's not fine. It's never nothing.

Sometimes it's nothing, but only after
you make sure that it's not something.

If it is something, I'm sure
that's it's something that can be fixed.

- You ever...?
- Yeah.

Well, a couple times. I think.

If I can remember Van Nuys, but....

Take a deep breath.

Hold that breath.

And let it out slowly.

Doesn't that feel good?

Thank you, Danielle. Good aim.

- I play softball.
- Well, of course you do.

So am I smoking the mascara
or the blush?

- You have the Winter....
- Winter's Kiss.

Winter's Kiss Powdery Blush.

- And Pinky has....
- Lucky Lash. Waterproof.

Lucky Lash Waterproof Mascara.

You sure I can put this
on my credit card?

That's what makes this
the best deal in town.

Your weed shows up
as "beauty products"...

...on your credit card statement.
No cash needed.

Smoke now, pay later.

What do you say?
Are you feeling pretty?

Lady, I never feel pretty.

But right now I'm feeling good.
I'll take one of everything.

Me too.

I got some friends
that are pretty hard up...

...since that dry-cleaner pot club
got shut down.

What about this?

You buy from me,
and resell it to your friends.

The more you buy from me
and the more they buy from you...

...the sooner you're gonna
pay off those credit cards.

- Yeah.
- Come forward and receive.

But first, business.

Everyone, let's see that plastic.

Oh, yeah.

- Do you take American Express?
- Here you go.

This is great. No crying, no poop,
just a good old-fashioned STD scare.

- This is my wheelhouse.
- Well, I'm glad you're happy.

I'm in an LGBT clinic waiting to see if
my 14-year-old has a venereal disease.

I'm never having sex again.

Buddy, you gotta get
back on that horse and ride.

- Not bareback.
- No sex ever again.

- That's a very good idea.
- Terrible idea.

Sex is awesome. I enjoy sex.
You enjoy sex.

Why shouldn't Shane enjoy sex?
Right, Shane?

- I just had a Q-tip in my dick hole.
- Cotton-eyed Joe.

We've all been there. No big deal.

I got a cat hair
lodged in my urethra one time.

It's not bestiality,
a sleeping bag at Burning Man.

Cat girl. Oh, God.

- She meowed when she got close to --
- No.

The last thing we need is another
Uncle Andy fractured fairy tale.

- I don't want him thinking this is okay.
- This is okay.

- I don't want Shane living your life.
- As opposed to yours?

You've been
a good object lesson for him.

I've been a parent, not a friend.

- Well, it's not chlamydia.
- High five.

- He does, however, have an infection.
- What kind of infection?

Candida. It's a yeast.

A yeast infection? Seriously?

I'm gonna prescribe some
gentian violet to rub on your penis.

Or if you want the cheaper,
over-the-counter option...

- ...you can use Vagistat.
- No, no, no.

We'll take violet over vag.

Money's no object
for my nephew's object.

- Right, Shane?
- See, you're being a buddy...

- ...not a parent.
- Will you two stop?

I don't need a buddy or a parent
right now. I need a pharmacist.

He'll be fine. Rite of passage.
Thank you.

Granted not exactly the bar mitzvah
that he should have had.

Andy? A moment of silence,
please...

...while I continue to enjoy
the sweet caress of alcohol...

- ...for the first time in far too long.
- Okay.

Can I talk now?

Now?

So fucking male yeast infection.
That's crazy, right?

Who knew? It's like
a cross-pollination sort of thing.

Mad cow. Hoof-and-mouth.

The human body is a complex
and mysterious experiment.

It's a sewer.

You're still reeling
from that diaper change.

That wasn't human.
You didn't see that.

I've seen it.

Well, he's Lupita's problem
for the next couple hours.

He's nobody's problem.

He's my son. My third son.

My third...

- ...son.
- Yeah.

The little bastard saved my life.

And he's pretty damn cute. Right?

Like sick, crazy cute.

These drinks are strong.

Why can't babies just talk?

They come out knowing
how to breathe, talking should be a....

What do you call it?
Involuntary action.

- For you it is.
- Imagine if Stevie could say:

"Hey, I got something in the pants.
Put me on the potty, stat!"

You'll learn to read the signs.

Oh, God. Should have pumped.

- So they hurt, or...?
- Yes. Hard.

- Do you wanna go?
- No.

It's my first time out.
Hang -- Hang on a second.

No way.

Fuck.

Okay.

Okay, relax.

Okay, okay, okay.

Oh, goddamn it. Fuck it all to hell.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Andy?

Hi. Yeah.

Could -- ? Could you come in here?
Yeah.

In the bathroom, yeah.

No.

No. Just -- Just shut up.
Just come in here. Bye.

My dream is dead. Paradise lost.

We'll start over.
I'll grow in the upstairs closet.

- I did it, I can do it again.
- This is America. You can't start over.

You get one chance.
You blow it, that's it.

Adios, losers.
I am out of here for good.

For great.

New condo.
Ocean view, covered parking.

Saltwater pool.

Good for you, Mrs. Hodes.

Thanks for stopping by.

- Enjoy packing.
- Thank you.

Yeah, good for you.
Who you fucking?

Nobody. Did this all on my own.

Selling You're Pretty! cosmetics.

And I am selling a shitload.

That bullshit makeup company?

Yeah, that bullshit
is buying Mama a new life.

God, it's good to be back on top.

- Engorged, I'm engorged.
- Engorged?

Engorged, it hurts.
Please, I need you to suck it out.

- Can't we just --
- I tried.

- Oh, maybe --
- I tri -- I tried.

- Okay. Okay.
- Please, be the baby.

I've done my share
of role-playing before.

Some crazy, weird shit.
I was a werewolf --

- Shut up and suck.
- Okay, wait. Hold it.

- What's it gonna taste like?
- Rum and milk.

Okay. Okay.

Here we go. Lips to nips.

- No teeth. No.
- Sorry. Sorry.

Okay. Spit, spit.

That's a really interesting flavor.

I imagined a spout,
but it's like a showerhead. It's like --

You swallowed.

Yeah, well.
I didn't wanna be a hypocrite.

Andy?

Why is the bed moving?

Wow, I guess we had an earthquake.

You're jerking off.

I couldn't sleep.

So take a fucking Ambien.

That's what I was doing.

Nature's Ambien,
the old, tried and true male way.

Cum. Sleep.

But I'm right here.

Well, I'm engorged. It hurts.

I need you to suck it out.

- Be the baby.
- This is too fucking weird.

I've seen you in the bathtub.

You watched me fuck your sister.

I suckled you.

But this is too weird for you?

Which is why we should cling to any
last shred of normalcy that we can.

Okay. Just be two normal people.

Normal brother-sisters-in-law...

...sharing a house
and a bed together...

...raising a Mexican-American child.

- Just normal.
- Exactly.

Which means masturbating
on our own time.

Yeah, because I'm swimming
in that these days.

Today was a bath of me-time
and personal space.

Sounds like a feeding.

I'll get this. Go ahead.
Take your Andy time.

Can Andy time be about 15 minutes?

Just keep it on that side of the bed.

Just so you know...

...if you wanna rub one out in bed,
I totally get that, and I'll stay...

...way over on my side.
You won't even know I'm here.

I just had a baby
less than two weeks ago.

The father of my child
might be gone for good.

So rubbing one out
isn't exactly at the top of my list.

- But thank you.
- All right. Just wanted to reciprocate.

Hey, when --
You weren't thinking about --

Don't flatter yourself.

Here.

For when you...

...burp.

Go ahead, sweetheart.
Share. This is a safe place.

Well, he says
that I can't do anything on my own.

He says no one will hire me.

That I'm too stupid to have a job.

He calls me Dummy-No-Jobby.

And whenever his friends come over,
he --

He what? Locks you in the closet?

Dresses you like a maid? Go ahead
Dummy-No-Jobby, finish the story.

What happened?

May I help you, sir?

Yeah. I wanna make a lot of money
selling your face chemicals.

Well, we don't carry
products for men.

So please leave
the way you came in.

- Okay?
- What? You're kicking me out?

What, because I'm not some
bored housewife? What's that?

Sir, You're Pretty! is for women
who have been marginalized...

...and disenfranchised,
and who have never been allowed...

...the opportunity to succeed.

Well, I need the opportunity
to succeed.

Please leave.

Okay. If you wouldn't mind opening
your incentive booklets to Page 5.

Okay. Okay. I see the game here.

I'm gonna sue you for
sexual harassment. How about that?

- You mean discrimination?
- That too.

I demand you let men sell makeup.

Okay. Look, asshole, I'll hook you up
with a starter kit...

...if you get the fuck out.
You're blowing my gig.

Starter kits are for pussies.

You think you can handle
a full order?

Damn right, full order. Fill me up.

I want those incentive booklets too,
so I have incentive.

- You single?
- I dig snatch.

Me too. Wanna go out?

Buy three full orders
and I'll think about it.

Okay? You have a pretty day now.

Very pretty.

He drank 4 ounces.

Nice.

You think that'll translate
into four hours?

- Let us pray.
- I can't.

I'm too tired.

Interesting.

How did you get in here?

You are in bed together.

Chill out. Look. Pillow wall.

And a small house. Few rooms.

It's fine. I'm not threatened.

Well, maybe you should
be threatened.

I have something to tell you.

- So tell me.
- Alone.

I'm not leaving. This is my bed.

Say what you have to say.

Marry me.

We've had this discussion before.

I would like to have it one more time.

Never gonna happen, pal.

Andy, would you give us a second?

- It's my fucking room.
- Okay.

Let's go downstairs for a minute.

Yeah, do that.

I'm going back to bed.

I need my beauty rest.

What are they saying?

I can't hear that well.

- I'll give you a dollar. Find out.
- What am I gonna do...

- ...with a dollar?
- Twenty bucks.

- Why don't you go?
- Because I don't care.

Get the fuck out there
and find out what's going on.

I'm gonna wind up
secretly engaged to you...

...until Steven asks me
who his real father is?

We will get married. Now.

Steven will know who his father is.

Suddenly everything's fine.

Last night I had dinner with
the woman I'm supposed to be with.

Wow, okay. Fuck you.

No, no, no.
She knows the right people.

She says the right things.
She wears the right clothes.

She's the perfect candidate's wife.

But she turned you down,
so now you're here?

I love you, so I'm here.

And you love me. So I'm here.

And we have a beautiful baby
together. So I am here.

And I am staying here.

Get down.

Mom?