Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 7 - Where the Sidewalk Ends - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

I've decided that we will get married.

Yes. Yes, yes.

Can we ditch school?

Hey, fuck you, man.

I'm the Huskeroos Girl.

The cop extorting money from me
is cracking up.

Bitch-ass bitch.

I need to close early for inventory.

Get out.
I don't want you in here anymore.

Oh, shit.
Uncle Yitzhak's lost fortune.



- You said there was, like, 180 grand.
- Look around you.

You blew all that money
on this crap?

Haven't seen you
since the ultrasound.

- Everything looks fine.
- Love your shoes.

Raylene Reynolds.
You're Pretty! Cosmetics.

- What the fuck was that?
- We cannot get married.

Things have changed.

Nancy.

- Nancy.
- Hair dryer.

It's not what you think.

Of course not. She's just a friend.
Cousin. Co-worker.

- Neighbor.
- It's not like that.

Well, what's it like?

Because all I know is some...



...stiletto-heeled Mexi-cunt
stalks in here...

...screeches at you in Spanish,
suddenly the marriage is off.

Her name is Pilar Zuazo.

She is a very important woman
in my life.

In my position, to marry a foreigner
is bad publicity.

She doesn't want me to jeopardize
my political career.

Well, consider your political career
safe, Se?or Mayor.

Wait. This is only a delay.

You must trust me.

After the election,
we will be married and be a family.

What election?

I'm running for gobernador.

It is the next step in a long journey.

I'm sorry.

I didn't think it through.

The timing.

I was too impetuous.

Because I love you, Nancy.
You are what I want.

I don't understand who she is.
Why you're taking orders from her.

She is someone
who has a great deal of influence...

...with the people who matter
in my country.

She makes sure those people
support my ambitions.

So she's your boss.

- No one is my boss.
- Sounds like she's your boss.

No, no, no. Come downstairs.

I'll tell Concha
to unpack your things.

- You never slept with her?
- No, it's not like that.

And I am told
she has teeth down there.

I don't wanna find out.

After the election,
we will be man and wife.

Z-U-A-Z-O.

Is that her?

- She's hot.
- They're fake, Shane.

You want her Wikipedia page
or the Forbes article?

Try Wiki.

Daughter of late Mexican industrialist
Raul Zuazo.

Silver-spooned oppressor.

Sole heir to vast
telecommunications holdings.

Media manipulator.

Sits on the board
of the Mexican Stock Exchange.

Inside trader.

- Philanthropist.
- Tax evader.

Doesn't say anything
about a drug kingpin.

She owns Mexico, Mom. I think
she can have these pages edited.

We need to get out of here
right now.

These people bludgeon
innocent golfers for sport.

What are you talking about?

They wait until you have the baby,
then they're gonna kill us.

They don't even need a reason.
They'll just do it and laugh.

That's probably them
coming after us right now.

What is all this stuff?

We're setting up a birthing room.

Esteban feels that you should
have the baby here at home.

Birthing room.

Everything you need
will be right here.

How convenient.

There will be no need to ever leave.

What about a flat screen?

Premium cable.
One of those little fridges.

- You said everything I need.
- I cannot provide those things.

Who should I ask? Esteban? Pilar?

Best Buy.

I'll do that.

Pop over there right now.
Review my options.

I'll take Shane.
Shane loves Best Buy.

Your car is in the shop.

What's wrong with it?

Broken taillight.

These are my keys.

When I'm not tooling around town
in my cherry-red convertible...

...I am cruising in my Maserati.

Three-thousand-square-foot ski chalet
in Tahoe. Ski in, ski out.

My private instructor
looks just like Ashton Kutcher.

So. Hands up, raise those hands.
Who wants to be me?

She's much blonder than I would ever
go again, but I do love Tahoe.

Well, hands down. Forget it.

About 90 percent of you
simply don't have what it takes.

But for the other 10 percent,
let me just say...

...being me is fantastic.

I think her nipples are hard.

As a matter of fact, they are.

My nipples are hard
and my lady is wet.

Because success turns me on.

And if success doesn't turn you on...

...then you can take your
initial $5000 investment fees...

...pop on out to your shit cars
and drive out of here.

Okay then. So, what turns you on?

Success.

Dick.

Am I wrong about you, Celia?

Dick ever buy you a Cartier Panthere
watch with double diamonds?

Because if it did,
then suck that dick, girl.

But if not,
I need to ask you a question.

Are you a closer or a loser?

Well, I've been a loser...

...but I wanna be a closer.

But I don't have $5000, so --

And you're gonna let a little thing
like that stand in your way?

Well, no. No way.

No way, cowgirl.

You're Pretty! will front you, on credit,
all the products that you need...

...to put yourself on the road
to financial freedom.

Are you ready to ride?

I said, are you ready to ride?

- Celia?
- Yes.

- Are your nipples hard?
- Yes.

But I had reconstructive surgery
because of a double mastectomy...

...so they're always kind of like that.

Okay. Let's get started.

- Whatever you need.
- Okay.

That's your fourth THC cone today.
You're costing us money.

Double scoop
of Cripple Ripple Fudge.

Keep the change.

I think I might actually
be addicted to sugar.

Man, I love it here.

This is everything I ever wanted.
Shelves filled with drugs.

Cold, creamy treats
flavored with drugs.

Beautiful girls in bikinis coming in,
asking me for drugs.

- Are you crying?
- Don't look.

Gentlemen.

Waking up in my car
with a searing headache...

...unable to move for some time
without blinding pain...

...gave me some time to think.

You all were right.

Having the heat lurking around
a pot club, bad for business.

So from now on, when I come in,
I come in my civvies. Make sense?

Do you know this guy?

How high are you?

So that was my apology.
Now it's time for yours.

We're sorry you got hurt.

So you do know this guy.

Well, sorry means a lot.

You know what
also means a lot, partner?

- Ten grand.
- Ten grand?

Today.

Assault on a police officer
is a felony.

Minimum sentence,
eight years of daily ass rape.

Assault? Really?

I'll be back this afternoon
for the money.

Wow, this is some potent shit.

I'm seeing storm troopers.

- Oh, man.
- It's Comic-Con, you idiot.

Leave it.

I told you. I told you something
would happen to Esteban.

What -- ? What, he get shot?
Beheaded?

I hear they're doing that now.
They're chopping heads off.

So are there photographs?
Can I see them?

- Where did you park?
- Out front.

We gotta go.

- What? To identify the body?
- No.

To Doctor Lehman's.
I have to have this baby right now.

What about Esteban's body?

No. No, Andy, Esteban's fine.
The call was bullshit to get you here.

- He's not dead. Nothing happened.
- No beheading?

- No beheading. No.
- You lied to me? I was all excited.

They built a goddamn birthing room.

They want me to have this baby
totally off the grid.

No birth certificate. If I disappear,
if the baby disappears...

...nobody knows.
It's fucking Rosemary's Baby.

No. I'm through bailing your ass out.

You're no longer my responsibility.

You're the responsibility
of the unbeheaded...

...corrupt, drug-dealing politician
that you've chosen to marry.

Andy, I'm not fucking around here.

I'm trying to get over you
and your drama.

This could set me back weeks
in the healing process.

You cannot suck me
back into your web.

No, you're right, I can't suck you
into it. How about a hand job?

Jesus, get off.

I don't want your pregnant
pity hand job.

Christ, that's just sad.

Fine, I'll -- I'll take you.

But this is it. The last time.
I really mean it.

Not like the last time I said I meant it.

I want a rain check
when you're not with child.

- Pull your car at the gate. Wait there.
- Okay. Hey.

Were you gonna jerk me off?

That or squeeze your balls until you
gave me your car keys.

I miss Yael.

Before.

And after.

With the help of
You're Pretty! Cosmetics...

...I have just transformed
this plain-faced little girl...

...into a glamorous woman
ready to meet the man of her dreams.

I like girls.

Play along.

And don't forget,
I'm giving a 10 percent discount...

...to all of my colleagues
from Surfside Mall.

I gotta hit it.
If I'm even 10 minutes late...

...they put me
on squeeze duty all day.

No problem.
Just tell me what you need.

Lady, I got four kids, no husband.
I make $8 an hour.

If you think I got extra cash
for some overpriced eye shadow...

- ...you're crazy.
- Then why are you here?

You promised free samples.

With purchase.
You didn't read the fine print.

There's no fine print.
This is bullshit!

- I want my free sample.
- Me too.

Well, doesn't anybody
wanna buy anything?

Free samples! Free samples!

Okay, fine. Fine.

You know what? Just kill me now.
Kill me.

Have a great fucking day.
Rob me blind. Grubby.

Grubby grubber. You know what?

Why don't you just stay blotchy
and unattractive. Bitch.

I hope you're happy.

Huskeroo, Huskeroo
You're beautiful in

-- all the things you do.

You're not so bad yourself.

- I'm Isabelle.
- Danielle.

And I think you'd look better
without all that crap on your face.

There goes the dyke market.

Are you joking?

It's General Lee.
From The Dukes of Hazzard.

I know. I was 12 years old once.
Why are you driving it?

I bought it from some laid-off
mortgage broker in Torrance.

One of 17 used on the show
in season four.

It damn well better be.
I paid a shitload for it.

Unlock. Please.

It's welded shut.
You gotta come through the window.

In that case, a little help, please.

Wait.

Jesus.

Christ.

You're good.

Get your hand off my boob.

Deal with it.

It's nice to see you're putting
Uncle Yitzhak's money to good use.

Just be glad I didn't get
Fonzie's motorcycle. I was this close.

Hey. I'm Tenly.

You certainly are.

Is the manager around?

Doug Wilson. Top dog. Big cheese.
Head honcho. Grand Poobah.

- What do you need?
- A job.

Hang on a second.

- Hey, you're fired.
- I'm what?

- Fired.
- What did I do?

Nothing.
You see that chick over there?

She needs a job.
I need to get laid.

- You can't fire someone for no reason.
- I just gave you a reason.

Look, if you need pussy,
I can hook you up.

My cousin just broke up with
her boyfriend and she's horny as shit.

- Does your cousin look like you?
- Yeah, kind of.

Get out of here.

- He's firing me.
- What are you talking about?

It's bullshit.

Hang on.

- Can I talk to you a sec?
- What?

- You can't just fire people.
- Why not? He looks like a terrorist.

He can sue us
for wrongful termination.

Why are you being
such a cock blocker?

Fine. Keep your swarthy jihadi.
I want Tenly. It's my place too.

We can't afford them both.
We have graft to pay.

That's exactly why I fired the Paki.

Fuck you, man. I'm Tunisian.

Know what? I've had it.
I can't work with you.

So leave. I don't care.

This partnership is over.

That's right, it is.

Blitt, don't go anywhere.
I might have an opening.

Asshole.

- Thanks for doing this.
- You're welcome.

- I'll pay for gas.
- Thank you.

It's the least I can do.

- I'm not thanking you for the gas.
- What are you thanking me for?

For showing me what I want
out of my life.

You have General Lee.
What more could you ask for?

I'm ready, Nance.
I'm ready to find the right woman.

Ready to settle down, sow my seed.
Carry on my part of the Botwin legacy.

Well, you do have a cute butt.
It'd be a shame not to pass that on.

Just go on ahead
with your snidey snideness.

Snide away. You'll see.

I have just as much to offer a woman
as Judah.

And you're alive.

You got Judah crushed
on that front.

Might not be so obvious,
but I'm a real catch. I'm kind...

...funny, a total rock star in bed.

Oh, that does seem
to be the consensus.

The whole key is strong and focused
work where the sidewalk ends.

I know, Andy. I'm a girl.

How's Esteban in the sack?
He seems like the selfish type.

Just sort of throw you down
on a table and fuck you.

- That works too.
- I knew it. I knew you liked it rough.

I -- You know, I'm precise.
I'm connected.

An artist.

You and me,
we never would have worked.

I'm not rapey enough for you.

Consider yourself lucky.
I'm fucking poison.

- You don't have to drink it anymore.
- Cheers to that.

I still want my rain-check
hand job though.

- Oh, God.
- What? What's wrong?

I still love you.

No, I don't. I don't.
It's just an obsession.

Want what I can't have.

I'm so fucked up.
Jesus, you are poison. Fuck you.

As I remember, this car went
a hell of a lot faster on the show.

What are you doing here?

My mom told me to come here after
school. Someone's trying to kill us.

Again.
Which leads to the question...

...why would she send me to the most
obvious place I could be found?

Well, don't worry.
Your mother leads a charmed life.

She's lucky. Everything always
works out for Nancy.

I, on the other hand,
am jinxed. Cursed.

Blighted. Nothing works out for me.

What's in the case?

A lot of false promises.

God, I could use a foot massage.

Here.

Thank you.

- I fucking hate Mexicans.
- Never go into sales.

- They're animals.
- It's humiliating.

- They have no regard for human life.
- I'm Willy Loman.

I think I'm gonna move back here.

Dean was supposed
to be Willy Loman.

Can you tell my mom
you'll take care of me?

Oh, no. No. No.

No way. I have enough problems
of my own without taking on Nancy's.

Why would you wanna
be stuck with me?

I'm a bitch, I drink...

...and I peddle useless shit
that nobody wants.

I don't wanna be stuck with you.
I can take care of myself.

I just need you to tell her you'll
watch out, so she'll leave me alone.

And you should peddle something
that people want.

- Like what?
- Like drugs.

Oh, that's fucking great.

Now you tell me,
when it's too late.

I just blew my whole wad
on eye shadow and zit concealer.

Thank you.

Go get me a drink.
And then switch to the other foot.

Nancy Botwin.
It's been a while, hasn't it?

From a crescent to a full moon.

- I've been seeing another doctor.
- I've been seeing other patients.

- It's all good.
- Hi. I'm Andy Botwin.

Not the father. Ex-brother in law.

Still close with the family.
Love kids. Ready for my own.

Isn't that the whole point of life?
Children? Propagation?

- The cycle of life --
- I need to induce.

What did your doctor
say about that?

I didn't ask him.

I need you to get the baby
out of me as soon as possible.

Listen, you're two days away
from your due date.

It's best to let your body
call the shots.

I can't wait.

Why don't we wait
until you're past your due date.

I'll get your chart
from the other doctor --

I can't wait.
Not because I'm uncomfortable --

The father is a drug kingpin
slash mayor...

...slash radical home-birth
advocate...

...who built a delivery room
in their guest house.

Spared no expense.
He did this for two apparent reasons.

One, to guarantee his first and only
son would arrive safely into the world.

Two, to ensure
there would be no witnesses...

...or official records of said event...

...which could pose a problem
if he ever decided to, say...

...kidnap the baby to Mexico and-or kill
its mother the minute she gives birth.

Thank you, Andy, for your discretion.

Don't worry.
Doctor-patient confidentiality.

She can't testify, right? You can't -- ?

- Is that just lawyers? Shit.
- Please.

I need this baby to be born right now.
I need witnesses.

I need a U.S. birth certificate.

I need to do this
before he realizes that I'm gone.

I need help.

I don't have health insurance...

...but I can pay cash.

And if all goes well,
there's a bonus in it for you.

All right. We need to get you
checked in...

...and get a Pitocin drip going.
Unless you want a C-section.

- It's faster, but there's a longer --
- Get it out.

All right. I'll let the hospital
know we're on our way.

Wow, she's awesome.

Andy. Please. I beg you.

Just wait until I've given birth.

Damn. Now that's
what I'm talking about.

These Comic-Con freaks like to party.

You kind of have to be baked
to dress up like Skeletor...

...and try to snap an upskirt picture
of Lucy Lawless.

So where's your partner?

Who cares? Blitt and I
can run this place all by ourselves.

Right, shawarma?

- Hey buddy.
- Look at this place.

Very impressive.
Thanks for involving me, dickhead.

Like when I involved you
in my election campaign...

...and you forgot to send
my paperwork?

One. One fuck up.

You're a fucking jinx. Anything you
touch turns to shit. Nothing personal.

You're a douche bag.
Nothing personal.

There's the man I came to meet.

My client wishes to dissolve
the partnership.

We'll be filing articles of dissolution
with state and county.

You're advised to give statutory
notification to creditors...

...settle all creditors' claims...

...and then we can begin
the distribution of all business assets.

Okay. I'll take the weed.

Fuck you. This club was my idea
and you ruined it.

- You're uptight.
- And you're irresponsible.

- You'd really blow it all up?
- I don't have a choice.

I can't work with you.
This is a professional establishment.

Not some place for you
to chase ass and get high.

I can't have you blow this place up.

I love this place too much, man.

But you've gotta make
a compromise too.

I get a bowl in the morning
to get me through.

For the sake of friendship
and success of our business...

...I'll bang Blitt's cousin.

- Deal.
- Deal.

That's what I like to see.
Bros before hos.

And weed over greed.
Or is it greed over weed?

Get down! Everybody down!

Oh, come on, guys.
It's just more Comic-Con freaks.

- Don't fucking move.
- I'm getting my badge. I'm a cop.

Get the fuck down
on the floor now. You too.

All right, all right,
I'll play along. Whatever. Okay.

How come he doesn't
have to get down on the floor?

Because I'm Frank Calderon.
Internal Affairs.

Officer C.P. Jones,
you have the right to remain silent.

- Is this a joke?
- No. It's no joke, fat ass. Theft.

Extortion. Falsifying documents.
And that's just for openers.

Wow, you really are a cop.
Can I still bang your cousin?

You will never come near
a Calderon woman.

Dean Hodes. Attorney at law.

Fucking jinx.

Excuse me. Visiting hours are over.

You have done a very bad
and foolish thing coming here.

We must leave right away.

Get dressed.

My God.

You have no idea what you've done.

He has your eyes.

Hi.