Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 5 - Van Nuys - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

Well, how about moving into my house?

- There's room for the boys.
- Did you ask me to live with you?

We're going to Denmark.

Mexican mafia's not gonna
find us in Copenhagen.

- Mr. Sandusky.
- I need some pot.

- How much can you spend?
- Four grand.

Get in. We'll settle up.

Wow, to be you.

- What kind of business you got?
- Medical marijuana.

- We're in business. Partner.
- Partner.



- Partners.
- Faggots.

A hundred and eighty-six thousand, four
hundred and thirty-seven ninety-six?

Go out with me,
and I'll get you into that account.

Only it has to be as Judah.
You're Judah, and I'm me.

Well, there's nothing weird about that.

You remember Sucio.
He will watch you now.

- Where is Sucio?
- He's missing. There was blood.

You have to choose, Nancy.
Who's it gonna be?

I'm not ready to be fucking Zen
about who lives or dies.

We chose this life.
For you, for me, for our son.

There is nothing I will not do
to protect that life.

- Can you smell that?
- The one thing about women...

- ...that terrifies me above everything --
- How can she eat that?

-- the fact that your periods sync up.



It's not even food.
It's just nitrates and fillers and --

- So freaky and wolfish.
- What's a filler?

I bet you're an alpha she-wolf, Nance.

I bet all women in your orbit
snap to your cycle. It's terrifying.

Excuse me.
I'm not in the habit of butting in...

...but those can't be the best
for your baby.

Well, it's not a baby yet,
and I'm not keeping it.

An abobo, huh? Hoover town?
We used to call it "going to Van Nuys."

- Andy.
- The place we'd go was in Van Nuys.

Sorry to have bothered you.

I've gone to Van Nuys five times.
It's no big deal. For me.

The ladies tended to get a little weepy.

Except for Deirdre.

But I found out later she had Asperger's.

- Five?
- My point is this:

Science.

I haven't seen you since
the first ultrasound. How are you?

I've been nauseous.
It's my sense of smell.

- Bionic, huh?
- I could be a superhero.

One of the miraculous weirdnesses
of pregnancy.

Mostly I smell...

...the bad things.
I'm surrounded by men.

I breathe through my mouth so much
my lips chap. I'm fine, really.

- So you do abortions too, right?
- Yes.

- So how late is too late?
- Well, you still have some time.

Is this something
you're seriously considering?

I don't know. No.

I'll think about it.

Well, everything looks fine.

Try to find an oasis.
Create one if you have to.

And I would surround myself
with nice smells.

- What, like flowers?
- I was thinking pancakes.

But flowers too, yes. Herbs maybe.

Would you like me
to make you another appointment?

- For a follow-up?
- For whatever you decide.

Fuck-o! Cock-breath! Asshole!

Dickhead. Shit-brain. Man-cunt.

Angry, rich white children.
You're rich and white. Why so angry?

Shane got jacked for his weed.
I just like seeing shit break.

"Jacked"?

- Ripped off. Much pot, no pay.
- By his English teacher.

So, what you going to do about it?

Overpopulation. Hive collapse.

- Credit default swaps.
- Lavender.

- Somali pirates.
- What's this one?

- North Korean nukes.
- Rich herb.

- Lovely.
- Mexican drug-lord gangster politicians.

- Gold oregano.
- American Idol.

Did you know that this baby has a
one-in-five chance of being autistic?

Why did I buy marjoram?

And I'm not talking the fun
card-counting-savant kind either.

I'm talking zombie-eyes,
soothe-rocking, behelmeted.

What do you think of coriander?

I think nothing of coriander.
Although, it's nice in a curry.

You have to get rid of this baby.

- No, I don't.
- Flush it. Listen.

I'm coming into some money.

We'll run, get a fresh start.

These are very dark waters
you're swimming in, even for you.

- What are you doing with all this stuff?
- I wanna plant things.

And they'll bloom and flourish
and smell good...

...and maybe the moods will rise
and the dark waters will clear.

- Money, bricks of it --
- I don't wanna hear it.

Hey, I don't wanna tell you.

Gophers and bunnies
are gonna eat your plants.

I'll build a fence.

Yeah, well, maybe the gopher's
already inside, huh?

- Just waiting and growing.
- Hey.

- Shut up.
- Sucking the nutrients from your soil.

- Shut up.
- You gotta abort that gopher, Nance.

- How's the sample?
- Sucks. Total ditch weed.

We only have three good strains,
and I'm out of contacts. We're fucked.

Well, that is a pickle.

You should go see the Wizard.

- Who?
- Buddy of mine from high school.

Dropped out, went into real estate,
market tanked, now he's a pot agent.

- Pot growers have agents?
- Oh, sure.

Growers are usually too stoned
to do math.

- That's true. Math is hard.
- I'll set up a meeting for you, Si.

Me too, me too. I want the hookup
for the meeting and the buying.

- Negotiations can be tricky, Doug.
- Fuck off. I'm a master negotiator.

Besides, you can't negotiate. No one's
gonna take a blond man seriously.

Hooked. Hooked. Hooked.

Hello?

Who's there?

- I have a gun.
- Don't shoot. Me.

- Liar. You don't have a gun.
- You're squatting in my garage?

I have nowhere to go.
My family is in ruins. Shards, Nancy.

They left me to rot in Mexico.

- Get out of my life.
- Cancer.

Loss of station. Loss of tooth.

- You threw away my tooth.
- Get out of my life.

I just lose and lose and lose,
and you have everything.

- Get out of my life.
- Oh, and now a baby.

A Mexican baby, but still.

So allow me
this tiny, little, pathetic crumb.

To stay in your garage while I figure out
what the fuck I'm doing with my life.

Albatross.

My own personal cinder block.

Two days. I don't want to see you.

Thank you, Nancy.

Can I have my old job back
at the maternity store?

Fuck!

- Botwin?
- That's right, it's Botwin, motherfucker.

And Hodes, jerk.

- Don't mess with her. She's loco.
- I really am.

Get the fuck out of here before I kick
your nards in, you little cock goblin.

With your fake gun.

Take nerd-girl with you.
Your usual sidekicks are much hotter.

You know that lesson you taught
on point of view in fiction?

It was really helpful, Mr. S.
I think I get it now.

To you, I'm just some dumb kid
you can rip off.

While from my perspective, you're that
titanic loser of a teacher I once had...

...who jacked the wrong kid.

Unfortunately, you're also now part
of our friend Ignacio's story.

And your chapter is very, very short.

Here. It's all there. Take it.

I didn't ask your permission,
you faux adult, you skid mark.

Your apartment makes me sad.

Take something else. For penalty.

Okay. The Ray-Bans.

And the Rollerblades.

Is that a Zune? Take that.

Not my ax.

Okay, now that you called it your ax,
I'm for sure taking it.

Now, shoot him in the leg.

Not the bird! I meant the man.

Poor little birdie. Go, go, go.

Aging goofball, career in the shit tank.
Middle-class kid, lost.

Not smart enough for academics,
not talented enough for sports.

My point:

You two don't strike me
as a particularly serious duo.

Oh, we are serious, bro.

Serious as ass cancer.
Serious as Nagasaki.

Serious as a Sean Penn movie.

Look, we've got a solid business plan,
a community itching for illegal product...

...and your buddy C.P.,
he's got our backs.

C.P '. s retarded. The only reason
I used to hang out with him...

...is because his stepmom
had Jell-O Pops...

...and his little sister
let me finger-bang her.

Fucking loved Pudding Pops.

Why don't they make those anymore?
Know what I mean?

I stock everything in your dispensary.

- And I mean everything.
- Great. Perfect.

- We're in.
- Okay.

Let's do the paperwork.

So we'll start with
the small-market contracts...

- ...adding the $75 delivery fee --
- Whoa, there.

- Delivery fee?
- We have to pay our drivers.

- You have to pay your drivers.
- Doug.

Let me negotiate. This is what I do.

No deal, Wizard.

Fuck you and your bullshit charges
in the butt.

- It's a standard fee.
- Okay, here's my counteroffer:

Eat my balls.

Sorry, Wizard. Shut up.

Silas, if you can't take the stress
of tough negotiations --

Did you hit "save" first? That's a very
unstable operating system.

- We're done here.
- Oh, please.

You say you validate?

Dead Mexican!

Dead Mexican. Dead Mexican.

Dead Mexican.

Dead Mexican!

Hey, it's me. Still --

Still weighing the whole moving-in
thing. But guess who I ran into.

Our old friend Sucio.

He's looking a little stiff.

So if you could send someone
to pick him up soon....

He's hanging out in the garage.

Okay, bye.

Keep him company.

I didn't realize we were going full period
with this thing.

I would've worn
my Loverboy headband.

I look ridiculous.

- I knew it, but my guild encouraged me.
- No, Mags. You look --

- Your guild?
- Online Gaming World.

I'm a mage. Believe it or not, I'm actually
pretty outgoing and popular there.

- Popular in the game as a mage.
- Oh, yeah.

My spell-hit ratio's, like, off the charts.

Oh, you think I'm pathetic.
I'm dressed like Molly Ringwald.

I'm sorry. I have this fierce imagination.
I always have.

No, it's admirable, actually.

I can't remember
the last time I imagined anything.

That is so sad.

So...

...fondue.

- This is where we went on our date.
- Totally exciting.

I happen to love dipping things
into other things.

The fun is that
you get to cook the meat yourself.

That's what Judah said. What you said.

What Is -- Yes. What I said. Me, Judah.

You cook it yourself.

Yeah.

So, what made you finally ask me out?

I mean, you're such a studmuffin.

I guess, when I saw you at the --

At the food court.
I worked at Hot Dog on a Stick.

The way that you handled the batter.

I saw you, and I figured,
"I'm just here for the summer...

...and life is short,
and people are such phonies."

Like J.D. Salinger said.

- Oh, my God, you always quoted that.
- That's right.

- Yeah.
- Judah read that book every summer.

Phonies. Goddamn phonies.

But you're not a phony, Mags.

You're real.

And I'm real. Me, Judah.

So let's be real together.

I want you to take my virginity.

What the hell is that? Hi, Isabelle.

It's a theremin. It's one of the earliest
electronic instruments.

Super. What's it doing in my house?

- We found it. By a dumpster.
- You don't have to lie to her.

I was selling Silas' leftover
cheese pot...

...and my shit-ball teacher
jacked my stash.

So I jacked him back.

Ignacio helped us.

- You helped Shane rob his teacher?
- You're welcome.

I can't live like this anymore.
What have I allowed in my house?

Shane was a good kid.
Now he's robbing his teacher.

I am so sorry that I exposed him
to the world of criminal activities...

...for the first time.

Hey, Silas. Come here. Look at this.

A self-portrait from my blue-balls period.

Ever get tired of being
a complete joke?

What? I'm delightful. People love me.

Not to be in business with you,
they don't.

- Hey, I was a well-respected C.P.A.
- Notice the use of the past tense?

You hurtful, toothy little shit.

- Teethy.
- Man-boobs.

No, you don't make up the names.
That's my thing, Goldilocks.

No, I can do better. Mormon-face.

Gigantor. Embezzler.
Girlfriend-deporter.

Stop it, deaf-girl fucker. Deaf-fucker.

- Bad dad. Abandoner.
- Orphan. Father-killer.

I'm sorry, Doug.

No, I'm sorry.

I just say things.

Sometimes -- Sometimes I actually think
I'm slightly retarded in the mouth.

And you didn't kill your father.

Shane did.

I'll....

- So I --
- Yeah.

- Yeah. Okay.
- Yeah.

The body is where?

So, what are you gonna do exactly?

Is that acid?

Do you have to cut him up
into little pieces before?

Lady leaves now.
Goes gets a falafel or something.

Well, I don't really have anywhere to go.
Sort of between things right now.

Fresh from a spell with some
revolutionaries in your country.

Rodolfo? You know him?
Piercing eyes? Total vagina?

You know,
Nancy's tossing me out on my ass.

See, and I finally understand
what Rodolfo meant...

...when he babbled on
about the powerless...

...needing to use their weakness
as an advantage.

I just wish that I had something
that I could use.

We were right here.

It was so romantic.

Here?

Give me your jacket.

You were talking
about how lame Footloose was...

...and I kept thinking,
"When is he gonna jump me?"

- I loved Footloose.
- That's Judah's gay brother talking.

I mean:

Queer bait. All the dancing. Homo city --

Oh, Judah, you're so fucking boss.

- Oh, Judah, stick it in me.
- Wow, you really just said that.

Judah, bork me with your hot tool.

Hey, and you said that too.

- Is anything wrong? Should I suck you?
- Oh, no. No, no, that's --

I mean, that's not --
That's not what we did.

Oh, you're right. I was like this.

Come on, Judah, make me a woman.

Maybe we should save ourselves.

- Do you want the money or don't you?
- You know what I want.

- Judah.
- Okay. Copenhagen.

- Oh, Judah, yes.
- Copenhagen.

Copenhagen. Copenhagen.

Copenhagen.

What do you know? Imagination.

- Okay.
- Oh, Judah, yes.

Oh, God, Copenhagen, Copenhagen.

- Oh, Judah, yes. Judah, Judah, Judah.
- Copenhagen.

Bork me, bork me, bork me.

Judah.

Copenhagen.

Oh, Judah, yes.

Hi. Nancy Botwin. I'm Shane's mother.

Could you put down the bat?

Thanks.

We brought back
your instrument thingy intact...

...and a replacement
animal companion.

It's an iguana.
They eat greens and fruits.

Birds carry germs.
It's a major turnoff for the ladies.

I brought back your roller skates,
sunglasses.

I'm gonna have to give you an IOU
on the video thing. Anyway, Shane?

I'm sorry I killed your cockatoo.

He was an innocent casualty
of youthful vengeance.

He taught me a valuable lesson
about the destructive power of firearms?

So his death was not in vain.

You're getting an F.
Now get the fuck out.

- Okay, that wasn't necessary.
- You killed Seacrest.

- And he apologized.
- Get the fuck out of my apartment.

That was really dumb.

- What the fuck -- ? What are you doing?
- Mom?

Stealing from students is a no-no.

It's unseemly, not to mention
gross abuse of your position.

- You're never gonna do it again?
- I won't. I'm sorry.

- Can I kick him?
- No, sweetie.

By the way, you're grounded.
No video games, no tweetering...

...nothing electronic.
It's desensitizing.

Puts you out of touch
with your humanity.

You can't afford that.

Remember, fruits and greens.
Take care of him.

This could be a whole new
start for you.

I'm going into your house
to take a bath.

Try it, and the toaster goes in with you.

Do you wanna know what I did tonight?

I watched a dead body
get removed from your old Coldspot...

...and sealed into a barrel of acid.

Do you know,
those guys were so sweet.

They even let me take some
choice photos before they left.

Look, it's Nancy's house.

So, yes,
I think that I will be taking that bath.

And also, I think I'll be living in that
garage for as long as I want.

Oh, and I'll need some cash
to fix the place up.

I hear IKEA's having a tent sale.

Selfish, pregnant cunt.

Good night.

They're dead. They're all dead.

Snuffed out.

Bunnies.

Slugs. Little black fucking slugs.

- They're everywhere.
- It was an inside job.

I put barriers up.
They just slipped right through.

I got the money.

- There's a lot.
- What? How?

It doesn't matter. It's just....

I need a shower.
I need to be sandblasted.

I need a hug. The point is, I have it.

I'm not sure
what I'm supposed to do, Andy.

It isn't safe here anymore. It's all wrong.

- You know Celia's living in the garage?
- Yes.

We had a nice long conversation about
what happens when flesh hits acid.

Why is fucking Armageddon
always coming down on me?

You do it.

You do know that?

You have to know that it's all you.

Forget Van Nuys. Keep the baby.
It does not matter.

- But we leave.
- Shane did something --

That's why we have to go.
It's not safe here. Even your plants.

- But Esteban, I --
- Leave him a note.

- A note?
- Write him a note, like the olden times.

Break his heart in ink.
He will understand, if he loves you.

- I do have nice handwriting.
- And in the morning, we go.

I'll throw some Ambien
in Ignacio's smoothie...

...and we hit the road
as soon as his eyes close. Okay?

- Oh, Andy.
- And tomorrow night...

...we're some place new.

It doesn't even have to be Copenhagen.
It can be fucking Van Nuys.

Wherever. We're a family.

And then we're done with all this,
and we'll be safe.

I know that I'm just, you know....

I'm Andy, but....

We could be more. I would like to try.

Okay?

Okay.