Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 3 - Su-Su-Sucio - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

There's a tunnel. You make a bust.

So you get Guillermo
and it never comes back to me.

I know you're the rat. And rats die.

You're the knocked-up puta whore rat.

She end up in a landfill.

We should flee. And I love you.

I'm pregnant.

Take Shane up to my sister's
in the Oakland Hills.

Jill Price-Gray, with a hyphen?
Bitch-face?

- Awake.
- Awake.



Oh, hi.

No, you deserve to be appreciated.
And me, too, you know...

...because it's been a long time
since I was appreciated.

- Why are you still here?
- I will organize everything.

Do not make me go back there.
I have no friends.

You ought to grow in a national park.

All right,
well, these are mine now, Silas.

Now get the fuck out of here
before I shoot you in the head.

- It's the doorbell.
- Her doorbell barks?

- I'm to keep you company.
- I don't need company.

- He thinks you do.
- Call off your goon.

You should be taking better care
of my baby.

What's the point?
When am I gonna end up in a landfill?

I haven't decided.



You don't dictate...

...the terms of this arrangement.

Time to go.

- I am through with you.
- Right back at you.

You remember Sucio?
He will watch you now.

Sucio usually tortures people for us.

Now he's the one being tortured.

Don't you have people to kill?

Too much to ask
that he takes a shower?

He's comfortable with his man smell.

Live with it.

What you writing?

Ransom note.

Exciting.

Ransom note.

Here you go.

- You sure you shouldn't type that?
- This is a rough draft.

Oh, no.
You should say "demand," not "insist."

I mean, you don't have a list of insists.
You have a list of demands.

Please.

I have been writing ransom notes
since I was a very young boy.

Who are we kidnapping?

We intend to kidnap
the minister of commerce.

He has people who are willing
to pay for his return.

Cold.

You know,
some people just aren't writers.

Some people are talkers.
So come on. Let's try it.

You talk and I'll just write it down.

Celia.

Thank you, but I can handle this myself.

Please. You're a lost puppy.

- Let's start again.
- You must stop this.

- Stop what?
- I am not a puppy. I am a man.

- You are undermining me.
- No, I'm not.

Lopez. No.

Rafael used to pick on him at school
and that dynamic still hasn't changed.

Send Gutierrez.

I'll just finish this up.

Hey.

- Nance.
- Do I know you?

Not funny.

Sucio, brother-in-law. No shooty.

Sucio, Andy. Andy, Sucio.

Sucio.

Su-Su-Sucio?

It's Phil Collins.

- How'd it go with Shane?
- How do you think it went?

He had to sleep
in Scott's marathon trophy room...

...share a bathroom
with the Children of The Corn.

- Those twins are creepy.
- He's safer there than he is here.

How's my mature,
responsible older sister?

She's looking hot.

She is?

- Time's been kind to the Price sisters.
- Oh, don't lump us together.

- But you're so alike.
- No, we're not.

We're nothing alike. Nothing.

No. Bathroom.

No, no. Shoo.

So.

Sucio. Sucio.

Sucio. Really? You've never
heard that song? Su-Su-Su --

Okay, but, well,
that cuts off my breathing.

Oh, I'm a clown? Is that what -- ?

Okay, yeah. I can live with that.

I have to go to the doctor. Now.

I'm bleeding.

- This place gives me the creeps.
- Welcome to my pregnancy.

No one here speaks English.
I'm thirsty and afraid to drink the water.

The magazines in the waiting room
are all in Spanish.

I'm sorry this is so hard for you.

You were behaving recklessly again.

Maybe it's all the rough sex
I've been having.

- Who is this?
- Esteban, Andy, my brother-in-law.

Andy, the father of my child, Esteban.

I pictured you taller.

He's not needed here.

I think she begs to differ.

That's your cue
to begin begging to differ.

You talk like a clown.

Why is that the worst thing
you guys can say to someone?

Doctor.

A Mexican gyno?

Nance, if you're putting together
a mariachi band, yes, go Mexican.

But down there, you want a Jew.

- No cramping?
- Just some bleeding.

You have not ingested cocaine
or methamphetamines?

I can assure you, I've been off cocaine
and amphetamines for almost a week.

Joke.

You're okay. Don't stress yourself.

I see you for your next visit.

- Now, you go straight home.
- Can you drive me?

This little crisis
has already disrupted my schedule.

Now, go relax.

If I hear you're not relaxing,
there will be consequences.

Hey, congratulations.
You're gonna be such a great dad.

Psych.

See that? Outdoor shower?

Feel free to use it anytime.

Oh, stand down. That's my son.

My son who's supposed to be
in the woods tending to his clones.

Went down a bad road.
Who's this guy?

He's my bodyguard, Sucio.

Want some coffee?

Just brewed a fresh pot. Just for you.

Shit. Baby. Sorry.

You know, you don't look it.
In fact, you look great.

Gorgeous. Thin.

How much do you need?

I wanna open a store.

A totally aboveboard and legit
retail establishment.

What exactly
would this totally aboveboard...

...and legit retail establishment sell?

- Medical marijuana.
- No.

Come on. Obama's president.
They're not gonna bust them anymore.

You got contacts
at the Justice Department?

It was in the paper.
If it's legal in the state...

...the feds won't come after you.
It's no risk.

Where marijuana's involved,
there's always risk.

My exciting and death-defying
adventures in the drug trade...

...should've taught you this.

I will only buy from growers
with prescriptions.

I'll go through all the proper channels.
I promise.

I will do it right here in Ren Mar.
I got it all worked out.

Like it or not,
you've made this the family business.

At least I'm doing it legal.

Opening a retail store is nuts
in this economy.

Mom, I'm selling weed.
It's as close to recession-proof as it gets.

Besides, Doug is helping me.
He knows all about running a business.

How reassuring.
Just keep him away from the inventory.

Is that a yes?

I mean it, Silas. Don't let Doug
anywhere near the product.

Stop. Other son.

Who's supposed to be with my sister.

- What the hell are you doing here?
- I'm done.

Sucio, that's my sister.
You can shoot her if you want.

- Not really.
- She banged Uncle Andy.

- You didn't.
- What? I can do things.

- Oh, my God.
- She's a screamer.

Would you shut up,
you weird little pervert?

He was taking pictures
and he was gonna show Scott.

Well, good move.

Shane.
You're going back with Aunt Jill.

You will keep your mouth shut
to her husband and her children...

...about what a nasty whore
their mommy is.

- Is that clear?
- Oh, no. He's all yours.

In so many ways.

- Can I go unpack?
- Yes.

No.

Bye, Aunt Jill.

Your little monster
is not coming back to my home.

Perfect Jill Price-Gray.

Her perfect husband
in her perfect house.

Can't do the only thing
I've ever asked her in my whole life.

Oh, you're joking.

Every sentence out of your mouth
starts, "Would you -- ? Could you -- ?

Do you mind if -- ?" Why do you think
I stopped talking to you?

- Because you're a self-righteous bitch.
- You know what, I don't need this.

I'm better. This was a slip.
I've worked through my codependence.

I'm done bailing you out every time.

You don't bail me out. You just lecture.

- That's a cute necklace.
- Then I'll spare you the lecture.

I got it at Nordstrom.
Oh, no, you know what?

I think I got this online at Etsy.

Please...

...do me this one favor.

Shane's not safe here.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. Nothing.

I'm just pregnant.

- Who's the father?
- It's complicated.

- Well, it always is with you.
- You know what?

If you're not gonna help me,
then fuck off.

Is he the father?

- Sure.
- You really will sleep with anything.

- Look who's talking.
- We have electrical tape, right?

- Jill. What are you doing here?
- Asshole.

Come on. Is it so out of character?

Let's get out of here.
Do you live near here?

- Upstairs.
- Really?

Okay. Let's go upstairs.

Okay, everything seems
to be in order here.

Social security numbers.

Wait, wait. Where it says:

"State fully the exact nature of business
for which a license is required."

You only wrote in "retail."

Sorry about that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

- There you go.
- Thank you.

- Pot luck?
- Club. Pot club.

A pot club.

No. No. Not a pot club.

It's a medical marijuana dispensary.

Oh, my.

- It's gonna be huge.
- Well....

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

What an uptight bitch. It's totally legal.

I'm starting to feel
like this was a bad idea.

Think she's got food in her drawers?
I am starving.

Who's she talking to?

Jackpot.

Sour Punch Bites.

We should leave.

Look,
I am very high and I'm not paranoid.

So you being not high
should be even more not paranoid.

Unless you are high. Are you high?

You're right.
What we're doing here is perfectly legal.

- Perfectly.
- I've got nothing to be afraid of.

Nothing.

Except maybe that guy.

I'm afraid we can't approve
your application...

...without the signed consent
of a local law enforcement official.

Law enforcement? Oh, great.

- Sour Punch Bite?
- Oh, no, thank you.

I have some of my own.

Okay, wait, wait. Let me think.

Oh, yes, I have a good one.

- I don't think I like this game.
- Keep going.

I'll bet your mother never told you...

...about the time she dated
her math teacher in junior high.

- Gross.
- That's total bullshit.

Bet she was a real heartbreaker
in junior high.

Body fully developed. Precocious.
Sophisticated.

- Bored with all the other kids her age.
- Not really.

FIat. Cliquey. B average.
First, more wine.

- This whole not-drinking thing sucks.
- More for us.

Anyway...

...his name was Mr. Schiff...

...and he threatened to stab himself
in the heart with a geometry compass...

...when she dumped him.

That is so fucked up.

First of all, he was delusional.

Second of all,
I rejected all of his advances.

Third of all,
I was getting all A's in his class.

He finally got fired, divorced his wife...

...and camped out on our lawn
until Daddy had him taken away.

He used to send you notes
from the loony bin.

- Why is this your favorite story?
- Because it's awesome.

Why don't you ask your Aunt Jill
about the time that she missed the bus...

...and was late for class.

Thrilling tale. Screwed up
her whole sense of right and wrong.

You know, just once,
admit that you had sex with Mr. Schiff.

Admit that you had a crush on him
and you were bitter.

He was more attracted to me than you.

You are still just a raging narcissist.

I don't know why we're arguing.
I was 13. The man was a pedophile.

Ladies, please. This is Shabbas dinner.

I'll be upstairs throwing up.

I don't mean to be judgey, but where'd
she meet that guy, Home Depot?

So am I hearing this right?

Next to Molly's Pet Depot,
where I got my first dog, Scraggles...

...across from The Surfside Pancake
Hut, you guys wanna sell drugs?

- Exactly.
- For medical purposes only.

Strictly compassionate care.

Boys, this is a wholesome town.
I grew up here.

Lived my whole life here.

I even plan on being buried here.

So I'm gonna want my cut.

- Cut?
- Fixed monthly payment...

...or a percentage of the sales.
Your choice.

Can we have a second?
We're new to this extortion thing.

Take your time. I'm gonna help
old Miss Spencer cross the street.

- What do we do?
- When I was on city council...

...I gave the owner of a gay bar
the same choice.

Wanted to open up a place called
The White Swallow.

He chose the percentage. Sucky choice.

Turned out the only fruits in Agrestic,
besides my son, grow on trees.

Lot more stoners here in Ren Mar,
but I'll cook the shit out of the books.

Great.

So...

...you two pick a poison?

- Monthly payment.
- Sweet.

No, no. Wait, wait.
I said the percentage.

You said the percentage sucked.

Yeah, for me.
But in that story, I was him, not us.

See -- Okay.

Now I'm confused.

- Can I start over?
- Hey, sorry, fellas. No backsies.

Monthly payment it is.

Now, bus over that application.

Yeah.

Stoked.

We were playing him.

It wasn't -- It was --
I took the percentage in the story...

...but that was not me.
Understand what I'm saying?

Okay. Enough.

I know your calling card
is this whole rugged unwashed thing.

I can't take it anymore.
You're gonna have a shower.

Comprendo this.

No. Come on, come on, come on.

You're gonna love it. Okay.

Soap.

Soap.

Shampoo.
Don't really know the word for that.

Towel.

Don't really know
the word for that either.

Loofa?

Loofa. Right.

I'm just gonna go get your loofa.
Okay?

Oh, God.
You're gonna miss your flight, lady.

I don't care. It's okay. I don't care.
Screw the flight.

Might be the last time
I come by fucking.

All right. I'll work on it. Come on, baby.
I'm working on it.

All right, come on.

Oh, God. That's it. That's it.

Yeah.

Oh, fucking shit.

Oh, God. Oh, man.

That's it. I got a little more.

Sucio? Sucio?

I know you're naked.

And maybe even clean.

I know it's very scary for you. And new.

Sucio?

Shane.

Have you seen Sucio?

- No.
- He was showering, now he's gone.

Come on, Shane.

Here we go.

Cover your ears.

Stay where I can see you
and you can't see anything.

- You are fucking hot.
- I'm close.

- I'm close. Shit. Oh, you're so good.
- That hit the spot?

- Oh, my God. Oh my God.
- Okay.

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Oh, God, yes.

Oh, fuck. Yes. I love that.

We gotta go. Now. Not safe.

- What the fuck?
- I waited until you came. Be grateful.

Both of you get dressed.
Meet us at the car.

Someday when you're older and you're
in therapy, you'll make sense of all this.

Wake up, lady.

Wake up.

I'm gonna need to see your passport.

- Where in the fuck am I?
- You're in Texas, ma'am.

- Where are we going?
- Airport.

We're gonna drop off Aunt Jill
then go and get Silas.

This is why
you should have stayed with her.

At least with you I'll go quick.
With her, it's a slow death.

- When's your return flight?
- Two hours ago.

You'll get on standby.

- Come on. Can we go?
- I'm not ready to go back.

Andy, let's just go to a hotel.

- Jesus. What does he do?
- Great and careful work.

Please, get in the fucking car.

Get in the car.
Get in the car, please.

Get in the fucking car.
Get in the car. Get in it.

Not until you tell me
what's really going on.

And don't start with the fucking Koreans.
Bullshit. Bullshit. More bullshit.

You really wanna know
what's going on?

I have fucked up my entire life
in ways you can't even imagine...

...and I don't think I'm gonna be able
to get out of it this time.

- What am I supposed to do with that?
- Get on a plane.

Go back to your family.
Be glad you're not me.

Sorry, but I would fucking love
to be you.

- Getting kind of stuffy in there.
- Get back in the car.

Oh, you're fighting.

- Back in the car.
- Back in the car.

You just took off and put it all on me.

- I was a kid. You were older.
- By a year and a half.

I couldn't handle it, okay?

Guess fucking what. Neither could I.

- What do you want me to say?
- How about thank you?

Thank you for staying in the hospital
with Mom, Jill.

And for doing it
all over again with Dad, Jill.

And for making the funeral
arrangements for both of them.

And I'm sorry, Jill,
that I couldn't be there to help.

I was off playing ballerina
and getting laid...

...while you were wiping shit
and writing do-not-resuscitate orders.

All right.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I am, have been,
such a disappointment.

I realize that's a lot to hang on to...

...and it must really suck.

Now would you please
get in the fucking car?

- Hello.
- I hope that you're staying off your feet...

...and taking it easy.

- Oh, I'm on my feet. I'm fleeing.
- What's going on?

- Where is Sucio?
- He's missing.

There was blood. Guillermo told me
that if he ever found out...

...that I'd ratted about the tunnel,
he'd kill me. So maybe his guys?

No, no, no. You would be the one
who's dead, not Sucio.

Get yourself to a safe place.

Wait for my call. Do you understand?

I realize you haven't decided
whether to kill me after I have the baby...

...but could I have Cesar back for now?

Wait for my call.

You still wanna be me?