Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 2 - Machetes Up Top - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

- It's a camera.
- You were recording me?

Are you fucking with me?

- I'm listening.
- There is a tunnel.

You make a bust, you get Guillermo,
and it never comes back to me.

If you're gonna kill me, do it fast.

I will be in touch.

- And I love you.
- I'm pregnant.

Just because you've been a slutty,
irresponsible, slutty slut

who had unprotected sex
with a Mexican gangster,

doesn't mean
we can't be friends.



I need you to take Shane
up to my sister's in the Oakland house.

Jill Price-Gray, with a hyphen?
Bitch face?

I have your wife, Celia.
You send me money...

- She's no longer my wife.
- Then I will kill her.

- You do what you got to do, okay?
- You want a ransom for Celia Hodes?

Go fuck yourself.

That cunt can lick my balls.

- We're really not friends.
- Okay, thirty...

Get me my money.

Let's go have sex.

Get out! Out of my life!

You are a mean person.

You ought to grow in a national park.
All the cool kids are doing it.

- There's Cleveland national forest.
- We're not in Ohio, little man.



In San Diego county.

And you will lie back,
open your legs,

and show the doctor I've chosen

that in your flat stomach,
there is a baby

that is both male and mine.

I want to go home.

Weeds 502
Machetes Up Top

He's not here.

What do you want?

Coffee.

- Where's Esteban?
- He's busy.

- I'm here to keep you company.
- I don't need company.

He thinks you do.

Really?

I never really imagined
I'd be saying this in real life,

I have to know what's going on.

He hasn't made up his mind yet.

You look a little green.

Ginger settles the stomach.

Ginger. I'll try that.

Like a cartoon.

That's not respectful.

- You're religious?
- Selectively.

The whole "thou shalt not kill" thing
probably not working out for you, huh?

And I support gay marriage.

Your visit has been a sheer delight.

But I have errands... mani-pedi,
got to pick up some stretch-mark cream.

I'm gonna get dressed.

You're gonna keep me company.

I will keep you company.

Typical Nancy.

Typical Nancy.

As if I have no life and I couldn't
possibly be doing anything important.

- Ham or pepperoni?
- Ham.

As if I'm running a hotel here.

Girls, will you sit down
at the counter?

It's as if we're awake
all night like vampires.

- Catfish.
- What?

- Catfish are nocturnal.
- So are hedgehogs.

As if we're catfish or hedgehogs.

Careful.

Yum-yum.

Should we get up?

In a minute. Are they looking?

Why? Are you naked?

Just a little...

alert.

What? It happens.

Comfy couch...

happy dreams.

- They're awake.
- Oh, hi.

Morning.

How did you sleep?

Were you warm enough?

Andy was.

Okay. Here we go, girls.

Hey, Andy and...

- my nephew.
- Shane.

Yeah, Shane, right.

- Good to see you, Scott.
- Fantastic. Nancy here?

No, she couldn't make it.

- Can I talk to you for a second?
- Yeah, in a sec.

Great. That's great.

Time, twins.
Lock and load. Let's go.

- I want all of this eaten.
- Listen, great seeing you guys.

Get yourselves some sun.
You're in California, for pete's sake.

They live in California, Scott.
We've been to their house.

We've moved,
but we're still in California.

I'll fill you in later.

All right, girls.
Let's go. Come on.

I didn't know,
'cause Nancy doesn't talk to me.

Would you like a hot pocket?

Can you go for a walk or something?

At least get out of the way.
Sit down.

No, no, just sitting.

Yeah, it's time.

- He needs the fish.
- The fish.

You need the fish.

Inside. Put inside, put inside.

Fishy eat dead skin.

$45.

What? Bikini wax.

You interested? It's my treat.

It hurts like hell,
but Esteban really likes it.

I know how you like
to please the boss.

Back in a few.

Hey, relax. Sit down.

You like the fishy?

- Not yet finish!
- $45!

So, Lisa Palmisano,
the little bitch with the shiny shoes

who was Christine's friend
who sat behind me in math...

She sees the cake and she says,

"that's what we should call you...
chunkball fairycake."

- Now, that's her prerogative...
- Wait.

Wait.

Is this it? Are we home?

Well, there's a creek right there,
irrigation.

And we've been walking for...
What grade are you up to?

Sixth.

We're far enough in.

This...

- This could be good.
- Oh, thanks God.

Look at that.

Hello, butterfly.

Silas, come check this out.
You're gonna miss it.

Come here.

Alight upon me.
Alight upon me.

Fucker.

What are you doing?

You draining the main vein?

Get out of here.

Lacey Laplante.

The name threw me off.

They check I.D. when you come in.

They make you fill out forms.

You always did know
how to keep your ass covered.

You bring me Krispy Kremes?

I'll send you a care package,
just like you sent me.

Why no camera in Jesus

this time?
I could've put on another show for you.

Why don't you just tell me a story?

A story about what?

A gringa princess who

calls her DEA buddy

and gets a magical tunnel shut down.

I don't know that story.

I know the one about the old woman
lived in a giant shoe.

Don't play cute, Blanca,

you steeped over the line this time.

You wanna act like a big boy,

you gonna get treated
like a big boy.

Yeah, I don't think I ever acted nor
desired to be treated like a big boy.

That's right.
You're all cunt, ain't ya?

Yeah, and titties.

Speaking of which,

is it true that in prison

sometimes the bottom guys
get tattoos of titties on their backs

so that the big daddies can imagine
they're looking at a woman

when they're raping them?

Do you know about that?

I know you're the rat.

And rats die.

You might not want
to cause me stress.

I'm in a very delicate state.

Can you see I'm glowing?

You got me.

Here I was thinking you're smart.

But you're a fool.

Ain't no ring on that finger.
You're not the wife.

You're the knocked-up
puta whore rat.

She end up in a landfill.

Lady parts all chopped out,

face all unrecognizable.

You were an interesting person
to know, Nancy Botwin.

Get your affairs in order, Blanca.

I'm not the one
you got to worry about.

Fuck off.

- I fucking hate this place!
- This is about her, isn't it?

Oh, buck up, sourpuss.

You are so much better off
without Quinn.

You're a rebel leader.

Do you know
how many women are into that?

Why do you want to be with somebody
who treats you like shit?

Because I love her, okay?

Or...

are you just telling yourself
that you do?

'Cause that's what I used to do.

I mean, I gave birth to her,

I am supposed to love her.

But she always has
this expression like

she's smelling bad cheese.

- What is that?
- I don't know.

There are so many

non-cheese-sniffing girls
out there for you.

Why are you still here?
You remind me of her.

I am nothing like her.

How could you even compare me
to that little bitch?

I'm sorry. You know,
you just make women want to hit you.

Go.

You leave. You're worth nothing.

- Really? I can go?
- The sooner the better.

There is some stuff going on.

I can't get involved in her stuff.

I mean, if she's spent all her money
on shoes and dresses...

Get the other end, please.

If she totaled the car
and didn't have insurance

or had an affair with a married guy
and needs to recover at a spa...

She witnessed a Korean gang war
in a parking lot...

of a golf superstore.

It was mafia.
Choi brothers against the Sun Hoo clan.

Started with nunchucks,
escalated to glocks.

It's a very old rivalry,
still bitterly cantankerous.

Began over a girl: Mitzi Sun Hoo.

Name means "fragile flower."

She was engaged to a Choi
and then fell for a Sun Hoo.

The point is, there was a shootout,
Nancy saw it.

So she's got to lay low
until the trial,

if she decides to testify. You know,
she wants to, of course, but...

The price is high. So if you could
keep Shane, that would really help.

Keep him safe,
away from the Sun Hoos...

and the Chois.

Sure.

No problem.

- I'm gonna open a bottle of wine.
- Thanks.

I could be in Mexico right now,

surveying my crops

and drinking legally.

Not my fault.

Entirely your fault.

Look at this. Visitors.

What brings you boys
this far into the forest?

Naturalists.

- Just hiking.
- Come on.

You can do better than that.
What, bird watchers?

- Butterflies.
- Butterflies?

- Northern butterflies.
- Even better.

You guys got a little net in there?

Let's see.

I think I found

a beautiful butterfly right here.

Look, we're just looking
for a place to grow.

We didn't have any idea...

This is unusual.

Indica/sativa blends,
afghani origin, original strain... mine.

Went through six or seven variations
before I came up with that one.

You know,

usually in this situation...

What's your name?

I could shoot you right now
and dump you in the creek.

- You and your dad.
- My dad's dead.

We're friends, family friends.

It's a whole story.

Not sexual.

My dad's dead, too.

Linstead, untie our compatriots.

Thank me.

Thank you.

All right, well,
these are mine now, Silas.

I'll treat them well, don't worry.
Your work is not in vain, okay?

Now both of you get the fuck out of here
before I have to shoot you in the head.

Be free.

You're taking all of them?

Okay. Got it.

Who the fuck knows
what would make him happy?

All I know is, no matter,
you know, how much I sacrifice or...

how hard I work...
Can you open that?

He never even sees it.

It's as if it all happens magically.

Little elves help the girls
with their homework

and drive them
to irish step-dancing class

and fill the fridge

and make the beds.

- When I think of what I gave up...
- With no "thank you," I'm sure, right?

No "I really, really
appreciate you, Andy."

No, "I'm so glad
that you're here for the kids, Jill."

No, of course not!

You know why?

They're takers.
Both of them, really.

They take, and they bike.
I had a life, okay?

I had a job.

I had friends.

But they're all gone, right?

And for what?
Really, why?

So we can be magical elves?
Am I talking too much?

They don't care
that we're the elves that we are.

- 'Cause they're so cute.
- We're cute, too.

And don't take this the wrong way,
because I do love her.

She's my sister.
But she's miserable.

Am I talking too much?
She's a miserable cunt, you know.

And the thing is, she plays the victim,
but she has time to put mascara on.

I'm the real victim.

And you're... you're a victim, too,
because she doesn't appreciate you.

And your cute... ness.

You have...

an eyelash.

No, you know what?
It's just your skin.

No, you deserve to be appreciated,
and me too, you know, because...

it's just been a long time
since I was appreciated.

I can appreciate that.

- Is there any food around here?
- The mall.

You can't miss it. Just go to the end
of the driveway, and you make a right.

Off you go.

Hi, I don't...

So, in there,
you'll find my life-insurance policy,

a list of most of the places
I've hidden money.

- Are you even listening to me?
- Insurance, hidden cash. I heard you.

What do you think?

I've been stashing these babies
in E.R. waiting rooms.

I expect big things.

Gave yourself
quite a healthy head of black hair.

I think it adds
a certain Atticus Finch quality.

I've also hidden money
on the upstairs landing,

in the jukebox,
back behind the records.

The photoshopped hair
is too much, isn't it?

Lovely, however,
I'd like you to focus

on the potential sudden
and unfortunate death of Nancy.

- If you don't mind.
- Yes, right.

Of course.

- Do you want me to update the custody?
- Yes.

Silas becomes
Shane's legal guardian.

Got it.

Excuse me.

Dean Hodes' office.

- Please hold.
- If something happens to me,

you'll take care of this
for Silas and Shane, okay?

Something happens?
Where are you going, skydiving?

None of your business.
Just make sure it's all taken care of.

I'm counting on you.

Just out of curiosity
and poor self-image,

why me?

Because I trust you...

'Cause you're a parent...

'Cause you're the only person
I could find on such short notice.

I think the hair is too much.

No, no.

Chair up-a away-o.

Put these here.

Up here.

Why are you still here?

I was hoping to have all this done
before you got here,

but, well, here it is.

Good organization calms people.

It's a fact... order is soothing.

So...

voil?.

I have organized.

Aqui, bullets...

in descending order of caliber.

Down on this shelf,

empty magazines and grenade shells.

Down here, all handguns.

Then machetes and knives,

separated by blade length.

Some of the other stuff around here
I wasn't sure about,

like where do you put this?

You know?

What?

Machetes up top?

Yeah, you are right.

Machetes up top.

Wait.

Wait, don't go.

Please let me stay.

Let you stay?

I don't have anywhere else to go.

Please.

I like it here.

My hair doesn't frizz.
I'm useful.

I will organize everything.

Do not make me go back there.

Everyone hates me.

I have no friends.

Selfish bitch!

Nancy's a bitch face.

- Always looking out for herself.
- Fucking bitch!

Oh, Nancy's a bitch face.

Fuckin' Nancy!

Fuckin' Nancy!

No smoke in here.

Tell me, what's the one thing
you wouldn't want a person

leaving this Earth
to not have tasted?

You have allergies?

You know, no, just bring it on.

Omakase?

Leave it to me.

Another?

Sure.

And you know what?
I'll have a whiskey, too.

And one for you.

Arigato!

When I was 10,
I jumped off the Morristown Bridge.

It was in the newspaper.

"Daredevil girl survives fall."

It wasn't a fall.

It was a leap.

Big difference.

Kampai.

Kampai.

What are you doing here?

Are you drunk?

- No, I'm not drunk.
- I can smell the liquor.

Is that why you slipped my goon?

So you do listen to your messages.

Yes, I've been drinking and smoking,

and I had raw fish.

Very high in mercury.

You should be taking better care
of my baby.

What's the point?

I can't live with this level of stress.
It's killing my baby anyway.

I'm dead mom walking.

When am I gonna end up
in a landfill?

I haven't decided.

Decide.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Decide.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

Fuck. Fuck.

You don't dictate

the terms of this arrangement.

Time to go.