Weeds (2005–2012): Season 5, Episode 13 - All About My Mom - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

If I was shot in my jerk-off arm,
I'd be mad too.

I can make the pain go away any time
with a pill...

...but I don't want to.

Hey, fuck you, man.

They smoked heroin.

Her friends suck.

She kind of sucks.

I'm gonna out-Nancy, Nancy.

You two idiots
wanna get back at Mom, right?

All right, then. Let's do this right.



You know, I could use
a little more snakebite for my lips.

Nancy, it's me.
The cops are after me.

I have this bag full of plants.

- I need your help.
- Bingo.

I knew it was a bad idea
having you pick me up.

Gayle has a thing for me.
They're dangerous, Andy.

Fornicators!

I'm gonna ask Audra to marry me.

I wanna give her my mom's ring.
The ring that Judah gave you.

So can I have it?

Pilar Zuazo, I want her dead.

Depends if you can help me out.
Get my case transferred to Mexico.

Esteban Reyes?

He's not here.



- What?
- He was released four hours ago.

He's back on the ticket.
She pulled him back in.

Good morning.

I'll step outside
so you can get undressed.

- Yeah, what is this?
- A gift. For you.

No, thank you. I don't want it.

I can't leave this room
until I've done my job.

Please leave.

I can see you need me.

Let me help you.

Don't make me sit on you.

Relax. Relax.

- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry. Just be limp.

You know my husband's running
for governor?

Yes, I heard. Congratulations.

Relax. And breathe.

- He's a puppet.
- You be my puppet.

Let me pull the strings.

- Men are weak.
- Some men are weak.

Women are strong.

- Until they fall apart.
- You are not going to fall apart.

- Oh, no? What makes you so sure?
- You're a warrior.

Like the boss. Very similar.

Locked up in all the same places.

Armored and ready for battle.

Well,
at least we still have that in common.

You'd be surprised how much
you have in common with Pilar.

- Pilar?
- Yes. She sent me to you.

She wanted you feeling
relaxed and well.

Did we do the job?

- There you are, you feral bitch.
- Stop right there.

Digging the hair. You got this whole
crazy-gypsy thing going on.

Wanna lick my crystal balls?

I have a proposition for you.

Does it involve
licking my crystal balls?

I have some product
I'm trying to unload.

And I will let it go cheap.

Fire sale. I'm out of here.
I'm getting out of this business.

Since when are you
in the business?

- Anyway, I'm broke.
- How broke?

I got $37.

Crap.

How about this?

You take my stuff on credit,
you reopen that little shop...

...and then pay me back
in a timely fashion.

And if you screw me on the deal...

...I'll have your legs broken
by a Mexican goon.

What do you say? Deal?

Let me see what you got.

That's not my pot.
Where did you get this?

What are you talking about?

Nothing.

- Oh, my God. You know.
- Know what?

Oh, Christ. Of course.
Fucking Dean.

You're the worst actor ever.

Where's my pot, you stinky gash?

- My pot-store pot.
- I sold your pot-store pot.

- Then where's my money?
- I rented a condo and bought this pot.

This is my pot and you owe me.

I am not letting you have that.
I have worked too hard for it.

- You were begging me to take this.
- That's because the heat is on.

- That doesn't mean you can take it.
- That's right.

I'm gonna call that black cop
and have you arrested.

Wait, wait, wait.
How did you know he was black?

- What?
- You son of a bitch.

I thought you were breast-feeding.

I had a little too much to drink
last night.

I know. Here I go,
failing yet another one of my children.

I didn't say that.

No, you didn't. You don't say much
of anything to me anymore.

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know.

So there we are.

You should go feed the baby.

Hey, guys.

Gotta go feed the baby.

Then you should do that.

I fed both of you.

Breast-fed both of you.

I did.

Well, thanks.

You're welcome.

Weirdness.

She's Mom.

She's Mom.

- Who is it?
- Adelita.

She probably snuck out to see
those fucking idiots and can't get in.

Hello? Hey.

Where are you?

I'll be there in a sec.

- Where is she?
- She's here. In her room.

- She wants me to come up there.
- Wear a condom.

- You learned that lesson, huh?
- Or don't.

See what will happen.

Maybe she slept with someone
who slept with someone famous.

You could get Gwyneth Paltrow's
herpes or Lady Gaga's genital warts.

I hear everyone is dying
for John Mayer's syphilis.

Where do you get your intel?

I make it up.

- Hey.
- Hey there.

Do you see -- ? See my laptop
over there? On my desk?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Could you look up...?

Could you just bring it to me?

Just....
Just put it on the bed by this hand...

...and open it for me, and go.

You called me up here
to get your laptop...

...which is 4 feet away
from your bed?

Go fuck yourself, princess.

No. Silas. Wait.

Hey -- Half my body's gone numb.

I just wanna go online
and try to find out why.

You wanna Google
why half your body is numb?

- Yes.
- You could be having a stroke.

I'm not having a stroke.

Okay, this has happened before.

Well, it was just my hand, okay?

Because I hit a nerve one time
I slammed into my wrist.

It was -- It was dumb.

Slammed?

Injected.

Heroin.

Holy shit. You're a junkie.

I'm a recreational user, okay?
Fuck you.

Is this from the stuff
you were smoking?

No.

I think it was from the stuff
I took later.

Perfect. I'm calling your dad.

Don't you fucking dare. Okay?
I thought you were cool.

You never thought I was cool.

That's true. Just --
Just get out of here.

I don't know why I called you anyway.
I just....

I'll be fine.

Sure.

- Good luck to you.
- Wait. Silas.

Silas.

Could you maybe shoot me up
just once before you go?

You've got to be kidding me.

- Okay, ready?
- I'm not sure.

Okay, get ready, then.

- Okay.
- Because this is sexy.

- Sexy?
- Yeah. Sexy.

Okay.

Sexy.

Sexy. You're turned on, huh?

It's a flex fuel.

I registered it under a pseudonym
so the wackos can't trace it.

- I unlisted our phone number.
- You sold General Lee.

Yeah, and the slot machine...

...and the air hockey
and a few other things.

Not "Ms. Pac-Man"?

No. What are you, crazy?

I love you,
but I've known Ms. Pac-Man longer.

She'll have a place in my heart.

So if you're threatened,
then we need to talk it out.

- I wanna see inside.
- All right. Watch this.

That's nice.

Yeah. See, it's all about the glide.

I'm thinking Greased Lightning
or Melvin.

I haven't settled
on a name for him yet.

- This is like a living room.
- Yeah. Come sit in the front.

Okay.

Nice. Come on.

Oh, my God, there's two TV screens.
That's bonkers.

Don't make me come back there.
Come on.

Fine. Here I come.

This feels good.
A little lumbar support. This is great.

- Digital air conditioning.
- What if we got those air fresheners?

- Where would we put that?
- I hate those. They make me sneeze.

And then we'd lose our new-car smell.
Wow, GPS.

Look at the rearview mirror.

What?
Is there something behind us?

No, there's nothing behind us.
Everything's in front of us.

Everything is in front of us.
So, just -- Oh, look.

You know,
you shouldn't leave that there.

If light hits that and it gets
refracted into your eyes...

...it could momentarily blind you
and you could crash.

- So maybe I should take it down.
- Yeah.

- Just to be safe.
- Yeah.

Wanna marry me? Just to be safe.

Fuck.

Hello?

- Audra? Oh, thank God.
- She can't talk right now, buddy.

And neither can I. It's a --
Gotta go. Bad timing.

No, Andy. Please.

I have to talk to Audra.
It's an emergency.

You're killing me.

Did someone else get shot?

Did you enjoy your massage?
Candela's magical.

Yes. Magical.

Not as magical as Esteban.

He disappears, he reappears.

Esteban and I can never stay mad
at each other for too long.

We've always been a great team.

So I'm guessing death
and/or blackmail...

...and/or imprisonment...

...is the glue that holds you together.

We have come to an understanding.

I'm so happy for you both.

I thought you were bad for him.

The pollsters have told me otherwise.

You know,
I can admit when I've made a mistake.

He will win, even married to you.

But it would still be best
if you stayed in the background.

Oh, don't mind me.
Can you leave my house now?

Nancy.

It's okay.

I should go to prepare
for the party tonight.

Big party at my house, Nancy.

Fundraiser for the campaign.
You should come. For 30 minutes.

Then, you will get a headache
and leave.

I promise to deliver him back
before dawn.

So....

You had some day yesterday.

Yes.

I went looking for you.

I know.

I found you on TV.

You look good on TV.

She has everything.

Every indiscretion.

Documented.

Photographed.

And I could cooperate.

I could go to prison for life.
Those were my options.

What would you have me do?

Is that -- ?
Are you wearing my deodorant?

It's for men.

I like it.

I don't wanna have my nose
in your armpit and smell myself.

So don't put your nose in my armpit.

No. Do you hear me?

I don't like you wearing it.

I -- I like the way it smells.

You smell like a man.

You will not wear it again.
Is that clear?

Yeah. I got it.

You're the man.

You know,
I was just thinking about you.

See, I saw a dogfight last night.

Two pit bull bitches
ripped the shit out of each other.

One of them had a really nice ass.

- Where are you?
- Mexico.

Thanks, blanca.
You know, it's nice to be free.

- That was fast.
- Yeah.

- You did good by me.
- I want it done today, Guillermo.

Today. I held up my end.
Just do it.

Sure, it's no problem.
I'm your boy, right?

So you're benefiting
from my experience.

When Quinn tied me up, I chafed.

You should be pretty comfortable.

- So, what happens now?
- Well...

...I go back to my fabulously
successful career as a drug dealer...

...because there are no black cops
looking for me.

What happens to me?

Well,
I haven't thought that through yet.

- I could sell your organs.
- You've had the best one.

- I don't do dick anymore.
- Do tell.

- I met a lady.
- Nice.

She is nice. Nice to me.

She understands
how a woman works.

When we kiss, it's soft.

And our breasts
press against each other, and --

Oh, who am I kidding? I need dick.

- Who is she?
- She sells cosmetics.

- You fucked Raylene?
- You know her?

I tried to know her,
but she likes girl parts.

- And success.
- Yeah, well, you pretty much stole...

- ...any chance I had at that.
- Well, survival of the fittest.

- You were stupid.
- And you were greedy.

- Like you wouldn't do the same thing.
- That's not the point.

- Well, what is?
- We were greedy and stupid.

Look where it got us.
Sitting here in some storage locker.

You with the stench of pussy on your
lips, me with a drawer-dented dick.

Well, speak for yourself,
because I am just fine.

Until the next time
you think a cop's watching you.

Wow, you folded so quick.

- Maybe you're not cut out for this.
- No.

I wanna be a drug dealer.

If Nancy can do it, so can I.

- How did she do it?
- She had a team.

I need a team.

People I can trust.

- I don't trust anybody.
- That's gonna make it hard...

- ...to put together a team.
- Nancy had a team. I want a team.

- Would you wanna team up with me?
- Fuck you.

So who are you gonna
team up with then?

- Fine. But you team up with me.
- What difference does it make...

- ...who teams up with who?
- It makes all the difference.

You're tied up.

Bottom, top.

- Andy.
- Oh, hi, Nance.

Hi, Nancy. Nice to see you.

Tell me someone else
hasn't gotten shot.

No, no. It's -- I'm here
to see my nephews and say hi.

Thank God. She's in here.
You said you wouldn't say anything.

She's roaming the halls.
I don't know.

What the fuck is going on?

I think Adelita OD'd or something.

OD'd on what?

Heroin. She's a junkie.

Hey, Silas, come in with me.

I'll find you when I know more.
We don't wanna overwhelm her.

- Right.
- Okay, sweetie. Healer of the sick.

Saver of lives. I love you.

- So you did it, huh?
- I did. She's a doctor.

I'm marrying a doctor.

- And she actually said yes?
- She will. She's hooked.

- Ding Dong?
- Oh, yeah.

Adelita's a junkie.

I think with the accent, it's "yunkie."

Jesus. Fancy boarding school,
speaks three languages...

...but a neglected child
is a neglected child.

You're gloating.

What?

You're gloating. You're glad
Esteban's daughter's a drug addict.

- More than a little glad.
- I am not. It's horrible.

Esteban's gonna be heartbroken.

- Gloating.
- A little.

No, I'm not.

He did put down my children.

Told me I should have
sent them away.

Bloom is off the rose, huh?

Little sorry that you pledged
eternal love and devotion?

I can't rely on men.
It doesn't mean I don't love them.

It doesn't mean I walk out.

It just means
I adjusted my expectations.

Men are weak.

I'm not. I'm fucking steel.

Yes, you are.

And you're getting married.

Yep.

We're like an O. Henry story.

No. We're our own...

...fucked-up little story.

- Why is he always here?
- Afternoon.

- I like him.
- Hey. Congrats on your new run.

Yeah, well, thank you.

Sit down. Join us.

Andy just proposed
to Audra this morning.

Congratulations.

Marriage is a complicated
and delicate dance.

Yeah. It is.

Sell it.

So why are -- ? Why are you here?
And not with your fianc?e?

Oh, she's here too.

- Who else got shot?
- Nobody got shot.

Adelita wasn't feeling well.

Why didn't you tell me that?

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

- I should go see her.
- Audra's up there.

You can go and see her
in a little while.

What is the matter
with my daughter?

She is pregnant, isn't she?

Stupid, stupid girl.

Oh, come on, now.
I hear she speaks three languages.

She's not pregnant, Esteban.
She has...

...a heroin problem.

What are you talking about?
Adelita? That's impossible.

Hey, I know all the best rehabs.

I'm totally addicted
to that show Intervention.

Can't.

He can't.

Well, then, I will.

Thank you for coming
on such short notice...

...but I figured we're all unemployed
and had nothing else to do, so....

I'm Celia Hodes. Team leader.

Doug Wilson.
Finance. Co-team leader.

Dean Hodes. Legal.

Sanjay Patel. Sales.

Ignacio Morello Jr. Supply.

Perro Insano. Muscle.

Down, boy.

- Introduce yourself.
- We all know each other.

Do you want to play or not?

Fine.

Isabelle Hodes. Brains.

I have a team.

I have to take it off
when I do surgeries.

You're gonna have to take it off
if you don't say yes, already.

So, what did you and Nancy
talk about?

I don't remember.
I was too busy thinking about you.

- Bullshit.
- It's true, I was.

I was thinking about how
you owe me an "I love you"...

...from when I said it in the hall
outside the junkie's room.

Well, in that case, I love you.

I love you more.

Have a seat, sinners.

Mom arranged it for her
to go to some place in Arizona.

She's on the plane now.

It was weird seeing Esteban cry.

Fucking idiots.

Slow down there, cowboy.

I enjoy the bubbles.
I'm not gonna become an IV drug user.

No. You like pain too much.

Why didn't you go to Europe?

Because it looked like you
were gonna go off the deep end...

...and I wanted to be around
to jump in.

You should go. I'll be fine.

We'll see.

There's also Mom to worry about.

- The Teflon Warrior?
- One day, her luck's gonna run out.

You having a good time?

The tuna poke is good.

- Get used to it.
- Get use to tuna poke?

Get used to the role you're playing.
Get used to Pilar and her ways.

I'm not prepared to get used to Pilar
and her ways.

No? Well,
what a bad Girl Scout you are.

I've prepared in other ways.

Have you now?

Oh, mini-sliders.

You know, you should get one
before you have to go.

Yeah. We'll talk about that later.

I'm leaving.

No. No, no.

I'm sorry, Nancy.

I'm sorry about everything.

It's life.

That's what Shane told me.

Something happens today,
something else will happen tomorrow.

Yeah.

Wait. It's cold outside.

Here.

I'm not going anywhere, you know?

Tell the boys
I'll meet them in the car.

You're trusting me with your kids?

We're all broken.

I know. My time is up.

Why don't we take a walk first.

- You look nice.
- Well, thank you.

You look nice too.

So Guillermo. Interesting choice.

Guillermo?

I admire the cojones.

Next time,
you might wanna hire someone...

...who doesn't work for me...

...and who isn't still mad at you
for ratting him out.

I'll keep that in mind. Next time.

Now, if you'll excuse me, some bitch
told me I had to leave early.

Your press-on nails
are digging into my arm.

- You think this is a joke?
- You took a fucking shot at me...

...and you hit my kid.
And you cut my husband's balls off.

That's three you owe me.
Four if we count the balls separately.

Let's make it six.

We're counting yours too?

Esteban needs you and the baby
for photos...

...but Silas and Shane, they are --

What's the word? Extraneous.

We don't need them
to complete our pretty pictures.

You come anywhere near my children,
I'll kill you myself.

You look stunning in black.

The people will be very sympathetic
toward the grieving mother...

...who has just lost
her beautiful children...

...in a tragic car accident?

Or perhaps a plane crash.

Or perhaps --

A croquet mallet?

I couldn't find a golf club.