Weeds (2005–2012): Season 4, Episode 11 - Head Cheese - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

- What are these?
- Snacks.

Heavy snacks.

This is my cousin Amparo.

- What's wrong?
- Migraine.

You got too much stress.
Now, this will unwind it.

Ayahuasca. Like 30 years
of psychotherapy in one night.

The plant teaches you
what you need to learn.

You know. No more hiding.

She's losing her shit.
Clock strikes 18 and I'm done.

- Hey there.
- Do you party?



They really wanna have sex.

Then go do it.

- The woman your amigo searches for?
- That's the one.

We will help the sad, tall,
angry, baby man find her.

- You're as beautiful as I remember.
- You take too many drugs.

- Mostly Xanax and coke.
- You need to keep care of yourself.

Cocaine? Coca?

If you don't deal with this,
I will call your mother.

I lie to myself all the time.

I make compromises.
I tell myself I'm not doing harm...

...when I am. I so am.

Do you see her?

There's no one there.

Of course not.



These Pop-Tarts are good.

Are these Pop-Tarts sugar-free?

They're regular Pop-Tarts.

I don't think they make
sugar-free Pop-Tarts.

I'm not allowed to have these, then.
My mom doesn't let me have these.

This is a really big day for you.

So neither of your parents
has a problem...

...with your sleeping at some
boy's house they've never met.

They're totally cool with it.

How bohemian.

No, they're American.

I'd like to hear more
about this science project.

It's sort of like an experiment.

Biology?

You could say that.

Fascinating. Reproduction?

Disease?

I assume the presentation...

...you three are working on
will deal with those things...

...in addition to volcanoes and wind.

Where were you last night?

I'm an adult, Shane.

You're a child.

What happened here last night?

- Gotta go.
- Bye, Shane.

What was that?

Did you have sex?

I'm 13 years old.

Exactly. You're 13 years old.

- They're 13 years old.
- They're in my grade.

That's too early, Shane.
You're too --

Fuck you, Judah.

- I can handle it.
- Well, I can't.

I don't want you seeing
either of those scary little sluts again.

Quit pretending to be a mom.

Morning. You okay?

No. I'm not okay. Do I look okay?

How did this happen? What did I do?

You had boys.

Morning, se?orita.

Se?or Doug?

Is this your house?

This is my place, babe.

You passed out in the van
and I carried you up like a bride.

Tried waking you for nookie,
but you sleep like a corpse.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing. I just --

Can't believe you're really here.
You're so beautiful.

You are very kind.

I'm kind and you're pretty.

Together we're kind and pretty
and nice and beautiful.

- Se?or Doug. What are you doing?
- I wanna make the sex with you.

- But we do not know each other.
- So let's get down to it.

I am not some piruja.
We must take time.

You must win my affection.

Okay, okay. I hear you.

Get to know each other.

Win your heart.

Thank you.

Can I just see one boob?

The next two weeks of your life
are going to be...

...some of the most difficult
you have ever faced.

All the pain
you've been numbing for years...

...with your substance addiction
will hit you at once...

...and it will be excruciating,
but know this: You're not alone.

The people next to you
will become your best friends.

So get ready, everyone...

...because you are all
about to go through hell together.

Give it up.

Let's go to hell.

Why is this locked?

We're closed.

Who told you we were closed?

The sexy, scary, beardy one.

Don't you think it's conspicuous...

...that the whole mall is having a sale,
but we're closed?

I do what I'm told by men
with semiautomatic weapons.

I'm a total bottom that way.

You look tired.

Love tired?

- Sex tired?
- "Tired" tired. I'm just tired.

So, what's the haps in here?

Look. The crates again.

Yes.

Crates from America
going into Mexico.

You look tired.

- What's in the crates, Ignacio?
- Maybe you should go and lay down.

I'm just gonna take a little peek.

- No.
- Because if I peek -- ?

I'll shoot you.

- You're not gonna shoot me.
- It's my job.

It's your job to threaten to shoot me,
not to actually shoot me.

Oh, that's not pot.

- Guillermo.
- Nancy?

Everything's fine, Sanjay.
Go back to your book.

- Okay.
- What the fuck?

Exactly.
This is supposed to be a pot tunnel.

I know you ain't as slow as you acting.

It's a tunnel. There's no magical
"Weed Only" sign at the entrance.

Cut the shit.

When did the floodgates open?

When the water got here.

- Headcheese sandwich.
- Six-inch or footlong?

Footlong all the way, bro.

- Enjoy.
- You know it.

Headcheese sandwich, please.

Six-inch or footlong?

Six-inch.

Hey, there's no meat
anywhere in there, right?

Because if meat even touches
the weed, I can't smoke it.

- I'm vegan.
- No worries.

That's 240.

Bargain.

- Two-forty.
- I gave you a 5.

Yeah, you ordered
the headcheese sandwich?

I did.
Everybody seems to like them.

You may have actually
gotten the wrong sandwich.

Well, let me check.

Yeah, I gave you
the wrong sandwich. My bad.

And we just ran out of bread.

You got a stack of sandwiches
right there.

Those were pre-ordered.

What's going on here?

Sir, you're too fat.

You fattist.

I'm gonna write you up
on Chowhound.

Your mom's a rude bitch.

Nice save, Mom.

Celia, we're waiting
for your promise partner, Barry.

Any idea where he is?

I saw him at breakfast.

What?

Oh, right.

I'm responsible for him,
and he's responsible for me...

...because I can't do this alone.
I do this as a "we."

So that means...?

I'll be right back.

Barry, Barry.

Promise partner.

What are you doing?

Where did you get that?

Seventeen years
as a commercial pilot...

...I think I know
how to sneak shit past security.

And I can't take
these places sober, you know?

Therapy, bonding,
all the fucking yapping.

Hey, this ain't my first time
at the fair, okay?

I've been to Betty Ford,
Cottonwood, New Days.

Fresh Start in Albuquerque.
That place is like a whorehouse.

Eighteen-hour layovers
in Bangkok are nothing...

...compared to the saunas
at Fresh Start.

You're a pilot. Do you fly like this?

Coked to the gills.

You don't wanna fly with me
when I'm sober.

When I crash, we all crash.

Remember the Trump Shuttle?

That was my first gig, right?
I couldn't afford blow.

Fucking No Doze and Dexatrim.
That is no way to live.

I love the moment right before, you
know, when you're still looking at it --

I love the moment when it
goes up your nose. Fucking awesome.

Here.

No.

No.

I'm gonna help you.

Barry, I am your partner.

We can do this.

Clean and sober.

Come on.

Fuck off.
Hey, I was gonna share this with you.

- Now you're bumming me out.
- Give me the drug.

- Give it to me.
- Hey, that's mine.

- I snuck this in up my ass.
- Give it to me!

- Give it to me!
- You can't!

She is fucking forcing me to
snort coke. Oh, you gotta help me.

It's bullshit.

I spent 25 years
with a woman who didn't put out.

I deserve some.

- It's been one day.
- And a half.

I don't know what to do.

It's been forever
since I had to court a chick...

...and let's face it,
getting laid in the '70s was easy.

I drove a Camaro.

Man, I wish I grew up then.
I got totally shafted.

Fucking AIDS.

Ruined everyone's fun.

I thought you got laid all the time.

But I had to use condoms.

Andy, I smuggled her here.

I think that merits some "cock-amole"
on her "face-adilla."

Possibly, but what do you
really know about her?

Not much.

Maybe I should
buy her scented body wash.

Look, she's probably scared.

I mean, she's totally out of her
element. Make her feel comfortable.

- How do I do that?
- Talk to her.

Okay, talk to her. About what?

About anything.

On the way over here,
we had great talks.

She grew up in an orphanage.
Start there.

- She's an orphan?
- Yeah.

Sweet. Daddy issues.

Age difference
should work in my favor.

Finding God?

God finds me.

You don't look well.

No.

I'm not well.

That ayahuasca really fucked me up.

You, however, look fantastic.

I have a charity function,
but my love says we need to talk.

So...

...charity waits.

What's coming through the tunnel?

What comes through the tunnel.

I am told by the people I work with...

...the people you work with...

...that boxes come through that tunnel.

Like...

...weed.

Heroin.

Cocaine. Guns.

- Stop me if I make a mistake.
- Boxes.

- Girls.
- No.

- No girls.
- There was a girl.

Guillermo brought her in.
Said she was his cousin.

I don't get into details.
I really don't.

There are guns coming through
the tunnel into your city.

Where are they going?

They go to the people who want them.

And you're okay with that?

It's how I build schools.

Hospitals.

It's how you provide for your family.

Yeah.

She wasn't Guillermo's cousin.

Charity calls.

It's not enough.

Your charity.

Go home, Nancy.

Get some sleep.

Eat with your children.

Take a walk by the water.

Nothing is ever enough...

...but we live, and we try.

Got a proposition for you.

Can it wait till after my bath?

Guess not.

The cheese shop is really taking off.

People love cheese.

People love my weed.

- The proposition?
- I'm getting to it.

Okay, get to it faster.

Okay.

The problem is space.
I need more space.

You and me both.

Secure space,
where people can't wander in.

Larger, safer,
away from where I sell, right?

- Right.
- Okay. So here it is.

We're partners.

You stake me.
I find a place to grow.

Been there. Done that.

Fucked it up. Twice.

We don't have to make the same
mistakes this time. We've learned.

We've learned to not do it anymore.

Lisa told me you would say no.

- Let me think about it.
- That's all I'm asking.

Good. That's all I'm doing.

What was it like?

Confusing. Brisk.

Messy.

I don't know.

My mom hit me.

You told your mom?

Have I taught you nothing?

Tell her what she wants to hear,
then do what you want.

How's your mom doing in rehab?

Fine, I guess.

I can't visit till she's detoxed.

Where'd she get the coke?

- Probably the maternity front.
- What?

- You're kidding, right?
- No.

My mom was in jail, and then suddenly
she's free and working for your mom.

- Retail.
- You think my mom's dealing cocaine?

I think they're both dealing,
but your mom's a control freak...

...and mine's weak
and addiction-prone.

Good times, huh?

How great would it be
if we were both 18?

- So you gonna dump them?
- Why?

Because the slap-happy
drug dealer told me to?

Screw that.

Simone, Harmony. This is Izzy.

- Does she party?
- Does she party?

Depends on the party.

Are you sure
there is no border patrol here?

As long as you don't walk out
of the surf with 10 wet Mexicans...

...you'll be fine.

So Andy tells me
you grew up in an orphanage.

I prefer not to talk about it.

Then what should we talk about?

We should talk about you.

I grew up in the valley.
Married my high school sweetheart.

- It didn't really work out.
- Divorced?

No. Not yet.

- You are married?
- Just technically.

Gotta sign the papers.

Well, why do you not sign them?

I'm on the run, but it's nothing.
Just a little embezzlement.

- You steal?
- Borrow.

I was gonna pay it back.

- When?
- Someday.

Hey, what the heck?
You wrecked our castle.

It wasn't a castle.
It was a lump of sand.

You're a bad man.

You're a bad castle-builder.

Little shit.

You do not like children?

I like my four.

Well, three of them.

You have four children?
When do you see them?

When I can trust they won't tell
my cunt ex-wife where I am.

- What's the matter?
- Oh, I am not feeling so well.

Perhaps we should stop talking.

Okay. Cool with that.

Let the silence bring us closer.
Yeah, I can dig it.

I was weak. I was dishonest.

I let the plane fly me.

If it wasn't for Celia Hodes,
I'd be back in the air in 30 days...

...snorting lines off the dashboard
and jamming blow up my urethra...

...so I could fuck Paula,
the 57-year-old flight attendant.

I wanna apologize to you, Celia.

Yes. Yes.

Thank you, Barry, for your share.

We're all like one big....

...wonderful, dysfunctional family,
and I love you guys.

We're all working through it.

Together.

I mean, I never really had a family.

I mean, I have a family,
but they're not like you guys.

It's okay.

Celia, can we borrow you
for just a minute?

Yeah, sure.

Celia, hurry back, okay?

Because I need you.
You know, everybody needs you.

We ran your insurance info a few
times, and it's not exactly accurate.

What seems to be the problem?

You don't have any.

The policy number you gave us...

...belongs to an individual
who is deceased.

And Korean.

Listen.

This is going really well,
and I'm only on my second step.

I am so proud of me.

We're proud too.

We have no intention
of abandoning you.

Our sister facility across town
has a bed available...

...and they're holding it just for you.

I belong here.

Barry needs me.

Don't you have a work program?

- I could do dishes, landscaping.
- I'm sorry, Celia.

What we pay our help in a year
won't cover a week here.

Discharge paperwork is in the folder.
I'll need your signature on all pages.

And you can drop it
at the front desk on your way out.

Best of luck with your recovery.

We're going to need your room vacant
within the hour.

Hola, Maria.

Doug around?

He go to buy some mouthwash,
some toilet paper and some tweezers.

Oh, cool.

Right.

So how's it going?

Things with Doug.

- Okay.
- Just okay?

No.

He is a terrible man.

What?

Doug? Come on.

He's a great guy.

- He is a criminal.
- He's an accountant.

A thief who has abandoned his wife
and family...

...and wants to make me his whore.

A CPA with legal problems,
who's going through a divorce...

...and is wildly in love with you.

He has warts on his genitals.

Yeah, I got nothing for that.

Please, Andy, help me.

These are for you, my love.

Oh, Maria.

Look how thoughtful he is.

This is a good man.

Yeah, over there. Bust it open.
I could use the hand lotion.

Here you go.
Something to put in the pi?ata.

Hey, you say $20 each.

I say $20 total.

Don't pull that Mexican shit with me.

Look, honey.

Got us a bed.

That's when I took that crack pipe,
broke it off...

...stuck it in his neck, said,
"I'm not using this...

...except to kill you, motherfucker."

Like half a rock is worth
getting fucked with a mannequin leg.

Shoe still on it. Fuck that.

Anyway, that's all I got for now.
Thanks for listening.

Celia?

- Celia.
- Oh, ain't we fancy?

You're gonna have to take that attitude
out the door right now, you hear me?

We don't play that shit in here.

I'm gonna have
that fucking combination changed.

- I'm putting money in the safe.
- Yeah, well, then do it.

More cousins?

Yeah, that's right.

You girls okay?

I'm not seeing this.

You catching on. About fucking time.

The day's over.

Go home.

Thank you for coming.

I know you're busy.

Guillermo Garcia-Gomez.