Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 11 - Cankles - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

Is it true that once a white woman's been
with a carpenter, she never goes back?

Life-insurance check made
out to Nancy Scottson.

Shouldn't be any trouble to cash.

Look at that.

- You owe me some money.
- How much?

Hundred nineteen thousand.

I need $100,000. Majestic
is checking their books tomorrow.

I might have access
to some money.

I had a little emergency.
You're gonna have it back in a month.

This is a scam, right?



It's just my way of saying,
thank you for your help.

I look so happy.

We're looking down a long road here,
Mrs Hodes.

Not me. We are getting a divorce.

There's no one else but you.

Oh, god.

- I quit.
- Bullshit.

I'm bad. Punish me.

Weeds - Season 3 - Episode 11
Cankles (1.05)

Transcript by testexam

Synchro : Macanto / [dx]
Michvanilly / San-A

How could you leave all this?

A better... more lucrative opportunity
has presented itself.

Besides, we both know you'll soon be off



to build another
just-add-water insta-town.

Utopian village, Nancy.

- Where are you going?
- A company called Aguatecture.

It's all good.

Well, would you give me
a few days to find someone new

and maybe fuck you a few more times?

Yes... and maybe.

Just let yourself in.

Hi.

Is your mom around?

I'm starting to think you
just like me for my mother.

Excuse me? Who's the one that's
been living in a grow house?

It makes a girl feel like
she can't get any attention

unless she's a pot plant.

How about we take a trip upstairs...

Oh, sorry. I have to go.

Hey, well, hold on a sec.

Who's the honker?

Kenneth.

We're gonna go see
laser bach at the greek.

- You're going on a date?
- Yes, and now I'm late.

I thought you were dating me.

I am.

You can't date both of us.

It's not like that with Kenneth, okay?

He meets my cultural needs,

and you engage my sensual/sexual side.

I'm just something
for you to rub up against?

Don't do this.

I have to go. I'll see you tomorrow.

We'll dialogue.

Oh, shit. You.

Me... Carrying cash.

See? Have a little faith.

That looks awfully thin for 100 grand.

I'm doing the best I can.

Little faith...

That's exactly what I've got for you.

This is how fucking broke I am.

He was dirty. So was his partner.

They took money whenever they could.

I know. I lived with
the creep for a decade.

He hid it somewhere.
Believe me, it's out there.

And the legit stuff...
The life insurance, the pension?

Wife two's got it.

And she put in, what,
six months with the bastard?

I'm raising his child,
and I'm begging her for money?

I don't think so.

That's my goddamn fucking money.

And I'm telling you, she played him.
I know it.

What? Suddenly he gets married
and then winds up dead?

Does that make sense to you?

That bitch knows something.

I'll need a retainer.

I'm on it.

This is bullshit.

You can't just toss us aside
like we're regular people.

We're elected officials!
I'm an elected official.

You were elected by a city
that no longer exists.

And coarse language will
not be tolerated here Mr Wilson.

Fuck you, Carilli.
We have jobs we expect to keep.

We have contracts with the city
we expect to be honored.

I expect mine to be honored.

Wilson, if you cannot control
that vile mouth of yours,

I will have you thrown out
of this meeting.

Oh, don't you get all pious on me.

You promised we'd get absorbed
into the machine here,

that I'd get absorbed
into the machine here.

And as citizens of Majestic,

you all have the right to run for office

in the next election one year from now.

Oh, horseshit!

Any city council with a half a brain
has got the system so juiced up

no one new has a prayer
of getting elected.

I want my landscaping contract back!

Well, I am sorry,
But all the landscaping is handled

by the Majestic ministries
development corporation.

If we can't get satisfaction here,
we will get it in the streets.

People! People! There are other ways
you can serve the fine city of Majestic.

You can volunteer
for a municipal program.

Volunteering is for saps.

We expect to feed off the tit of
local government just like you.

I'm afraid that all your
contracts and positions

are now null and void
per the referendum.

There is very little more to be said!

And Mr. Wilson, this council
is not finished looking

into your questionable
investment in Aguatecture.

Don't you bang that gavel at me,
you sanctimonious Jesus freak!

You know, your long skirt
isn't long enough, lady.

I saw your fat ankles...
Calf, right into ankle.

Cankles!

- That's it!
- Cankles!

That is it! That is it!
This meeting is adjourned!

Cankle bitch!

How dare you?!

- Rude and vulgar!
- You too! Man cankles!

Douglas, we need to have a word.

Okay. How about "die"?

How about "Aguatecture"?

How about "none of your business"?

Hey, how much do you know about it?

Not enough.

Mom, we got to get rid of Tara.

- Really?
- She's untrustworthy.

Last I counted, she was right on.

And she wraps her money in
those cute little Jesus ribbons.

I'm thinking she's a keeper.

Look, I know you said
not to involve Tara.

That's right, I did.

And I know that you were worried

that I would maybe break up with her.

- Let me guess... I was psychic?
- You were right.

Okay, you were right, and I was wrong.
I get it. I got it.

But we need to get rid of her.

No, my dear.

You need to suck it up... and make nice.

So, that's it?

You're picking her over me?

Why can't you back me up for once?

This is not your mommy talking.

This is your boss.
So I suggest you listen to me now.

- What?
- Tara's my top earner.

And when you bring in what she brings in
without getting emotional or fucking up,

you can make demands. But until then,
keep your head down and learn.

She stays...

And you get over it.

Now...

As your mother...

I am sorry it's not working out
between the two of you.

I'm sorry if she hurt you. Little bitch.

You're too good for her.

And I love you very much.

And you could use a haircut.

What's with
the banging in the morning?

Mom says we need to beef up security.

- That little thing's a camera?
- Cool, huh?

And I can broadcast the image
to any computer in the house.

Hey, could we point
one of those next door?

Jordan Klien's home from college
for summer break.

I can't spend all my time
waiting for her to get naked

one window up and three across
from my side of the house.

I got things to do.

Your father was good with tools...

Always building things, fixing things.

I had to go the other way.

- Which way is that?
- Destroying things, blowing stuff up.

Pretty good at it, too.

Unfortunately, not much of
a market for that particular skill

when you grow up, unless
you're a terrorist.

You could do special effects for movies,

blow tunnels through mountains,
building demolition, mining.

Blowing shit up is
not just for terrorists.

Don't let them take that away from you.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, sanjay.

Looking mighty, mighty homosexual today.

Way to own it, sister.

My friend isabel is a lesbian.

If I bump into her at
North Valley Gay Pasta Night,

I'll say hey.

Is Nancy home? I need to restock.

- How much you need?
- I'll hook you up.

I could use about half a pound.

Back in two shakes.

Is that little thing a camera?

- Yeah.
- Oh, it's adorable.

So, you didn't know you liked guys?

Is there something you'd
like to talk about, Shane?

Are you, feeling confused?

No, I always thought you were gay.

Okay... Good to go.

Thanks.

You have arrived at your destination.

The route guidance is now finished.

Thank you for guiding me
to the fucking post-apocalypse.

Yes, wonderful.

Richest country in the world.

Glad to see you're taking advantage

of the opportunities offered.

Can I help you?

Where's your owner?

I'm sorry.

The owner of this place.

Who wants to know?

I would like to speak to someone

who can tell me what goes on here.

Though what you see
is pretty much what you get...

Fountains... Shaped like houses.

Fountains shaped like houses.

We got indoor, outdoor,
tudor, victorian.

Used to have a craftsman split level,

but we sold out of that.

Different houses with
water flushing out the windows.

Aguatecture. You're soaking in it.

And I'm to believe that
aguatecture attracts investors?

Who on earth would buy
these tacky things?

Look, if you don't want
none of our tacky things,

how about you get the fuck on out?

We closed.

Where's the owner? Is he in back?

She's right in front of you.

What's in the back?

Ain't nothing back there
but files and inventory.

That's fine. Need to use
the restroom, anyway.

- Toilet's broke.
- Just gonna wash my hands.

You can dip them in that fountain
on the way out if you like.

Now, I done asked you nice.

Now, you all alone in a strange place.

Think it through, now, girl.

There you go.

Thank you for your time.

Hey, we all out of the, um...

Carpenter.

Who?

I'm sorry. You look like
somebody I, um...

I don't know. I've, um...

Bye.

Okay, who the fuck was that?

I don't know.
Maybe we should ask Conrad.

Mom, I need to show you something.

Oh, no. Shane, no more tutorials.

It's not a tutorial.
It's feed from earlier.

So?

It's the pool guy...

Checking us out twice in one day.

Is he a cop?

I don't know.

That would suck.

Yes.

- Yes, it sure would.
- Look at this.

When was this one taken?

It's the live feed.

It's the same guy.

He's out there right now.

Who are you?

Just surveying the water lines, ma'am.
You haven't...

had any problems, have you?

You're not surveying the water lines.

And you're not a fucking
pool cleaner, either.

Who the hell are you?

"Private... investigator."

You mind if I have that back?
I'm running kind of low.

What do you want from me?

Let's walk.

My client is interested in finding out
a whole lot about you.

What client?

Not at liberty to divulge that.

But you can tell me that
you're a private investigator.

Yes, I'm comfortable with that.

I'm comfortable because I feel...

You and I can do business together.

- Really?
- I have a strong feeling, in fact,

that in exchange for my discretion...

with the police, with my client...

Dealing with your illegal activities
vis-?-vis marijuana trafficking,

you might want to give me some money.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

Ah, that doesn't matter.
I have pictures...

Dealers coming and going.
I even followed one...

The gay indian kid... On his rounds.

I have cellphone wiretaps.
Some of it's static-ridden.

I guess it's time to invest
in that newer technology.

But you getting the idea?

Isn't that what Pellicano's
going to jail for... illegal wiretaps?

Inadmissible in court, absolutely.

Illegal? Yeah.

But if they were to show up anonymously

at the DEA Office,

I bet an extensive
investigation would ensue.

- How much do you want?
- Hey, I'm not greedy.

I work for a living.

50 thought to do the trick.

- Fuck me!
- Tempting, but I like blondes

with big, fake tits.

I'll have it in cash.

- $10,000.
- $50,000.

- $20,000.
- $50,000!

Come on. Please?

You can buy plenty of blondes
with big, fake tits for $20,000.

Okay, since you asked so nice...

$20... $50,000.

God, you're a real prick.

Mm-hmm. I know.

You and my wife
would totally bond on that.

So, anyhoo, here's what you're gonna do.

Meet me here tomorrow morning

at 10 with the money.

Look, it's gonna take me
a little more time than 24 hours

to come up
with that much money.

You're a drug dealer.

- With expenses.
- Consider this one of them.

Hasta la tomorra!

Son of a bitch.

Oh, look who's here.
My family.

Hey, family.

Did you know
that we're poor?

We're really poor.

Maybe we should cut down
on our liquor purchases.

Oh, no. All the poor drink.

Yeah, I saw
the poor this morning.

They all had bottles
in paper bags.

That's what I need...
A paper bag.

Wonderful idea.

You could put your bottle in it
and then vomit in it when you're done.

I don't vomit from drinking.

I vomit when
I think about my life.

Isabel, why don't you
go for another walk?

See? I'm not the only one who
thinks she needs more exercise.

I don't think
you should be alone with her.

It's okay, honey.

Why don't you go to Shane's
house or something?

Fine. I'll call in later.

Shane's house. ha!

I will rock the house of shane
before I'm done.

- Make some coffee, Celia.
- Oh, not so fast, roller-boy.

Aguatecture.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Agua-tec-ture.

I don't know what you're talking about.
And even if I did, I wouldn't tell you.

What the fuck?

- Tell me everything.
- You're insane.

Yes, I am fucking insane.

- Tell... Me... Everything.
- God!

God damn it!

Up until this point,
I have avoided your nuts

because god knows what is inside
that fucking diaper of yours.

But so help me,
if you don't come clean,

I will make sure a catheter is a
permanent part of your anatomy.

- Bitch.
- Perhaps.

Ohh! God!

Aah! God!

- Talk to me.
- Fuck... You!

Okay, i'm done playing.
Balls are next.

Okay!

Okay! Okay, please.
Please don't hurt me anymore. I'll talk.

Please don't hurt me anymore.

Aguatecture.
Aguatecture!

I'll tell you. Just take your foot off.

Please!
God, I'll tell you everything!

Lovely morning.

- It depends where you're sitting.
- It's not so terrible.

You'll make more money. There's always
more money in your line of work.

And there's
always more blackmail.

What's to stop you
from coming back?

- I give you my word.
- You're blackmailing me.

You've threatened to destroy
my life unless I give you money.

Yes. I promise I'll never
do it again. Cross my heart.

- I have kids.
- I know. Took their pictures.

Handsome boys.

- Can I have my money now?
- They're not just handsome.

They're also smart,
especially Shane.

Off the charts.

There's a $100 buy-in
at commerce in an hour,

- and I'd really like to be there so...
- You're mugging me piece of shit

You'll take a minute
to listen to what I have to say.

My smart son, Shane,
took me to a store yesterday...

Panorama city...
Off the 405.

And I know this is going.

Spyware store.

You ever been there?
It was my first time.

I bought myself
a teeny little microphone

that you hide
inside your blouse.

Records everything you say...

Transmits it back to Shane's computer...
Actually, any computer.

Only $49.95.

Technology's come a long way.

And since
blackmailing's a felony,

even when you do it
to alleged drug dealers,

you probably want me to keep
this conversation to myself.

So, I guess what
we have here is a detente.

You tell the police what I do
for a living, not good for me.

I tell the police
you blackmailed me,

not good for you.

Understood.

Now...

I don't know who your client is,
but I have a pretty good idea.

Whether you tell her what
I do for a living is up to you,

but I strongly
advise against it.

This is for me?

It's a lovely morning
after all!

Go fuck yourself.

If I could, I'd save a fortune
in strippers and alimony.

I'm off to commerce.
You wish me luck?

So, how much do you
have for me this time?

$500? $200? Some loose change?

- I don't have anything.
- Shocking.

- And it's your fault.
- How's that?

The private investigator
you hired shook me down,

took all the money
I was gonna give you.

- Shook you down... For what?
- None fo your goddamn business.

But now I have nothing.
And frankly... I'm pissed.

- You're pissed?
- Yeah.

You didn't trust me,
and you really should have.

I was gonna get you your money.

- Sure you were.
- I was.

And by the way,
it wasn't even your money.

I was legally entitled to it.

Mrs. Scottson number two.
Me. Not you.

But now it's his,
and that isn't my fault.

So I guess the whole point
is moot, actually.

Then why are you here?

I thought...
I needed a friend.

I don't need a friend.
I don't need anybody.

Don't call me.

Bye.

Please tell me you were
just in the neighborhood.

Your friend Celia
came to aguatecture.

How the hell?

Did she see anything?

- What does she know?
- I was wondering the same thing,

so I gave her a call,
'cause I still had her number.

She told me to tell you she
knows you fucked her boyfriend

and she knows
you're dealing again...

And she'll be in touch.

She'll be in touch.

How bad is this, Nancy?