Weeds (2005–2012): Season 3, Episode 10 - Roy Till Called - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...
- I'm making a buy.

You come back with five figures,
and we'll do business.

Any chance I could borrow $10,000?

I know an accountant/councilman

with access to a civic
investment portfolio...

Make it $50,000.

Summer reading from Internal Affairs.

It appears Pete was the brains behind
the skimming, extortion, wiretapping.

Good thing for us he turned up the way
he did and we don't have to get honest.

- How's Tim doing?
- How do you think? His father's dead.

Are you free for dinner?



- Who's your friend?
- Peter's ex-wife.

Are you fucking insane?

- I thought Dean was out of your life.
- He was.

- Until the handitard drove off of a cliff.
- Is he going to be OK?

The initial surgery was successful
but he'll need more.

We are getting a divorce.

- There's no one else but you.
- Oh, God.

Sanjay, your territories
are junior colleges...

And gay bars and dance clubs.

Tara's completely active in the Church.

The Lord wants me to sell pot, Mrs Botwin.

- Fine, you're in.
- Do I get a cell phone, too?

- Yeah. Take Silas'.
- I'd like my phone back.

I have other plans for you.
Teach him to grow.



All right, Nancy. You want your boy
to be my bitch? He'll be my bitch.

What we need is to redirect a small portion
of our sewage through your town.

Shit highway could be our road to riches.

- We need these votes.
- I'm thinking a golf membership.

- Your membership's been revoked.
- What?

God bless the new Majestic!

- Holy shit!
- That's a lot of sewage.

That motherfucker.
I'm gonna have him killed.

From the boys at Sigma Alpha Delta.

Thank you, Sanjay.

You may have another.

- The youth pastor is a wake-and-baker.
- Holy smokes.

Thank you.

- Why is this all wet?
- Water park.

That's $20,000.

The way things are going,
I'll have the rest in a few days.

- Why is this stack wet?
- Water park.

All the money goes back into the
Agrestic account. No trails back to us.

There's no more Agrestic, Nance.
No town. We're good.

- Let's keep it.
- Doug.

I might be a drug dealer,
but I'm no embezzler.

Oh, no, we'll put it back. Eventually.

Until they figure out which way is up,
we could use this capital to our advantage.

Yeah. I'm not comfortable with this.

Well, get comfortable.
Buy more drugs, sell more drugs.

And then when we're crazy rich,
we can pay back Agrestic

and buy corn dogs for all of Darfur.

I'm not sure corn dogs are first up
on the wish list in Darfur.

My point is, we need this capital
if we're gonna be the Weed-Mart

of the San Fernando Valley.

Homegrown Depot. Potco.
You need to trust me on this, Nancy.

- I don't tell you how to move a brick.
- Fine.

For now.

Listen, Doug, a word of advice.

Watch your back. Sullivan's on the warpath.

I didn't do anything.

So you had nothing to do
with that pipe exploding?

- That was clearly an act of God.
- Well, tell God to watch his back.

Nancy, don't anthropomorphise God.

That sounds like fun.

Tim and Shane together?

We could give it a shot.
Yeah, I know where that is. Great.

Terrific. All right.
We'll see you there. Bye, Val.

You got a call.

- From who?
- Roy Till.

- I don't know Roy Till.
- Roy Till knew you.

And what did Roy Till want?

- I asked Roy Till that very question.
- Why are you making me work so hard for this?

Because Captain Roy Till is with the DEA,

because he wants you to come down
to his office as soon as possible,

because he said you've probably
been expecting this call.

That was my reaction.

"The side effects may be
urinary incontinence,

migraine, fuzzy vision, rapid heartbeat,

swollen limbs, depression, mania, nocturnal
psychosis, erectile dysfunction...

Wake up.

- Wake up.
- It's not a dream.

Here's his feeding schedule.

And the physical therapy exercises
are in the binder.

- And you're gonna have to change his diaper.
- Stop speaking.

Fine. Figure it out yourself.

I have no memory of giving birth to you.

None whatsoever.

Oh!

Oh...

There is no God.

You have to change my diaper
so I don't get a rash.

Not gonna happen.

I stood by you when you had cancer.

Yeah, my cancer didn't stink.

Celia, if I get a rash,
it could get infected,

and my body can't fight
off infection right now.

Will you die?

Worse.

I'll have to have a lot more surgeries and
you'll have to take care of me for a lot longer.

This is not right.

After we change me,
we should do some exercises.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?

Seeing me miserable.

It's the only silver lining
on a very dark cloud.

I'm looking for Roy Till.

Nancy Botwin.

- Am I in the right place?
- Captain Till's been waiting for you.

- That's her.
- Hey, is that her?

- Check it out.
- Hey, isn't that Pete's wife?

I have questions.

- You do?
- Sit.

I see you don't use the name Scottson.

Er, no.

Kids. Kids are Botwin.

Keeping it consistent.

You and Pete kept your
marriage awful quiet.

- Yes, yes.
- Why?

Do I need a lawyer?

Frankly, I'm a little surprised you didn't
come clean to us about this sooner.

- Why's that?
- So you could get

what you have coming to you.

Why don't we settle all this right now?

And "all this" would be?

Life insurance cheque,
made out to Nancy Scottson.

Shouldn't be any trouble to cash

if you show the bank
a copy of the marriage license.

Also, forms to fill out,

so we can start sending you
his pension cheques.

Oh.

- Look at that.
- Things from Pete's desk.

That should close the book on all this.

Er, again, "all this"?

We don't know what Pete told you
and what he didn't.

Frankly, we don't care.

What he was involved with when he died,

who he was involved with,
it's all in the past.

We'd rather think the best of him.
I'm sure you would, too.

- The best.
- But should it not remain in the past,

well, that would seriously
affect his pension.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yes. Completely, totally.

- That's all, Mrs Scottson.
- Botwin.

Mrs Botwin.

God bless you.

My condolences.

You are the sun. You control it all.

If you don't keep a light schedule,
seeds sprout

and reach for any source
of light they find.

Not too different from humans,
but that's another lecture.

Point is, you didn't put
the grow light on a timer,

so these went toward my light,
made them spindly.

These seeds were your responsibility.
You fucked 'em up.

Sorry.

- Things OK at home?
- Are they ever?

Mom OK?

She's a tough read.

Yeah, I know.

And what happened here?

Brown spots, yellowing, moving upward.

Think.

- Nitrogen deficiency?
- And what do you do?

Add a solution with a high N rating,

like Advanced Nutrients' Connoisseur?

- That's right.
- Ha!

Ha, my ass, you plant killing motherfucker.

You should have got it right
the first time. Pay attention.

No one is going to take
care of you in life, Silas.

Learn and grow.

Move!

Save those plants!
That's money out of my pocket!

Oh, shit, that reminds me.

It's from my mom.
She wants more stuff.

Yo, it just slipped your mind
that there's thousands of dollars

in your fucking backpack? Jesus.

Oh, damn. I also forgot
there's a diamond up my ass.

- You want it?
- You know what?

Take care of my plants
before you find a foot up there.

- Tell your mom I said hi.
- Yeah.

Hey. Tell her, all right?

Sure.

Let me get this straight.

You say we're going to the Apple Store,
but instead, you bring me here

and force me to play
with Peter's asshole son

so you can hang out with his ex-wife?

Do I have this right?

- Er, yeah.
- So not cool.

I'm not proud.

You owe me.

It might be fun.

Fine. Debt owed. Let's go.

- You think that's funny, dickbag?
- That's not even a word, dildock.

- I'm not sure this was such a good idea.
- They'll be fine.

Er, blue raspberry or cherry?

- Cherry.
- Wait a minute.

Think you owe me some money.

Oh, how much?

$119,000.

- I was gonna tell you.
- You married him?

Married. Did that just slip your mind?

- How do you fit that into a conversation?
- "Guess what, Val?

"Before you go down to the DEA's office
and make an ass of yourself,

"let me tell you Peter and I were married."

- There. Pretty simple.
- It was a drunken weekend.

Completely stupid,
only-on-nine-cosmos kind of thing.

- I thought we were friends.
- We are.

Well, then, how about the fucking money?

I didn't even know I was getting any money.

Yeah, well, you got it. So give it to me.
That's Tim's money.

I don't want the money.
I'm giving you the money.

Look. Here. Take it.

Just putt, asshole.

It's made out to you.

I'll endorse it over.

You can't endorse a $119,000 cheque.
I'm not stupid.

Let's go to the bank.

It's Sunday. Banks are closed.

Then we'll deposit it tomorrow.

I'll transfer it over,
and you can declare it a gift.

It's not a gift.

I lived with that asshole for 11 years.
I earned that.

OK. Bad choice of words.
It's your money.

Give me a break already.

- You were gonna tell me?
- Sure, eventually.

Putt now or die!

- Yes! Hole-in-one.
- Your son is annoying.

Oh, glass-house-dwelling person.

You're right. I'm putting down the stone.

- You want the Slushie now?
- That's OK.

Come on. The ugly, confronty part of the day
is over. We're free to have treats now.

Why did you have to assume the worst?

I'm used to getting fucked.

Oh, get over it.
Neither of us is getting fucked.

Poor us.

No shit.

Jeez, you ever hear of a phone?

Dana took the charger. I need $100,000.

Majestic is checking the books tomorrow.

I bought 10 more bricks.

"Putting it back in the business"?
You remember?

Oh, God. Me in prison.

I'm way too long for those beds.

And the food. There is no sushi in prison.

- Unless you count dick.
- OK, listen.

Why do you need $100,000 if we only
took $50,000 for the initial buy?

- Did we take more than $50,000?
- We took $50,000.

It was only a matter of time
before we doubled up

so I took another $50,000 for my divorce
lawyer and got laser eye surgery.

Recovered in a day. Fucking miracle.

Now I can read the tiny print
they use for warning labels on pills.

Big pharma fucks us coming and going,
Nance, and I'm going to prison.

I'm going to prison, while big pharma
roams free. There is no justice.

Are you on some big pharma right now?

If I go to jail, will you come with me?
I cannot do it alone.

Oh, you're not gonna go to jail, Doug.
I might have access to some money.

Have you been hoarding money
from your accountant? That is not cool.

Doug, go upstairs, take a bath.

I suggest you try the bath bomb.

The carbonation's delightful. All right?
We'll figure this out.

- She never lets me use the tub, lucky.
- I'm going to jail.

You're not going to jail, Doug.

I'm gonna have all kinds of cock
shoved up my ass.

I need to say something out loud.

I killed Peter.

Did you hear what I said?

Yeah, I heard you. You killed Peter.

We all knew that U-Turn story was bullshit.

I guessed poison. Was I right?

Silas thought you smothered
him in his sleep.

Shane had some wild theory
about you and a samurai.

My whole family thinks I'm a killer.

- You just said you killed him.
- I didn't actually kill him or have him killed.

I'm saying that if he never met me,
he'd still be alive.

Listen,

I taught Stephanie Cooper
how to give head.

She died when a guy she was blowing

drove into a swamp.
Doesn't mean I killed her.

It means I was a great teacher.

And he was a bad driver.

And the alligators were hungry.

I got Peter's life insurance
and pension money.

- Jackpot.
- No.

I promised it to Valerie and to Doug.

I don't know what to do.

If I don't give it to Doug, he goes to jail.
If I don't give it to Valerie, I go to hell.

Jail comes before hell.

Or you could give it all to me.

Sullivan.

I'm not Sullivan. I'm the Easter Bunny.

You want your basket?

Just wait, wait, wait a minute. Just a sec.
I want to freshen up.

Collect my eggs.

- Celia?
- You make any noise,

so help me God,
you will be sitting in that diaper

for a week.

Oh.

Mmm.

I'm so impressed by you. Your kindness.

Dropping everything to take care of a man
you don't love,

because he has no one else.

- You are the most selfless woman.
- I am.

- I'm wonderful.
- Yes.

- You are.
- No.

- Let's go to the bedroom.
- No.

OK, fine. Fuck it.

Mm.

- What is that?
- It's a dog.

- Dryer.
- Woof!

OK, it's him.

- Come on.
- He's in there?

He's safer there. Can't hurt himself.

- Woof!
- Wait, where you going?

Woof!

Jesus.

Maybe we ought to take a little break, huh?

I'll call you.

Thanks for that, Celia.
Doggy got a big bone.

Little close there, kiddo!

Over here!

- Still hating me.
- He's very committed.

- What's this?
- That? That is cash.

It's not $119,000 in cash.

- It's $4,500.
- Where's my money?

I have the money. I just don't have
it here. This is a down payment.

I knew it.

I had a little emergency.
You're gonna have it back in a month.

This is a scam, right?

You don't understand.
There's money coming in.

- No worries.
- No worries?

I have cards maxed out.

I have creditors calling me.
I can't make my rent.

I can't wait for money to come in.
I need it now.

Jesus. Why are you in such bad shape?

I've spent all my cash
on coke and man whores.

Why the hell do you think? I work
a middle-class job in the Bush economy.

- Where's my fucking money?
- It's fucking coming!

You spent it already, didn't you?

That was my money.

Fucked.

Fucked, fucked.

Not fucked.

Just fucked in the head.

Clearly not ready to listen,
so I'm gonna go.

I'll call you.

- Mom, she took my ball!
- Fuck your ball. She took our 100 grand.

First of all, Mr Wilson,
we would like to thank you for the T-shirts

that you brought us from the 2001
Agrestic 5K Thanksgiving Fun Run.

I drew that logo.
The turkey with the sneakers.

That's quite a talent, Mr Wilson.

However, we're here to discuss
Agrestic's financial records,

- not funny T-shirts.
- Of course, Ann.

May I call you Ann? I'm getting divorced.

There seems to be
an outstanding loan here, Councilman Doug,

made to a company called Aguatecture?

Yes. Yes, there is.
And I have the repayment of that loan

right here in my back pocket.

- This is a post-dated personal check.
- Yes.

- This is all highly unorthodox, Mr Wilson.
- Yes.

You're claiming this is repayment
on the loan made to Aguatecture.

Yes. You see the memo line right there?

It says, "For Aguatecture."
It's a great little business.

A socially responsible, minority-owned company
that makes fountains shaped like houses.

Victorians, Tudors, even castles.
Heart-warming story.

Hardscrabble, good people,
invested with our hearts, and it paid off.

They're selling like bratwurst in Germany.

Praise the Lord.
Hallelujah, with the grace of the God.

So be it, amen. Hm-mm. Oh, brother.

- Amen.
- Amen.

My wife's a fountain freak.
She'd love those.

Yeah, where can I get one?

I'll hook you all up.
Fountains for everyone. At cost!

Thank you!

Crust, please.

Thank you.

- Where the fuck have you been?
- I quit.

Bullshit.

Not bullshit.

- Look at how you treat me.
- How I treat you?

I haven't had lunch.

I left three messages
saying I wanted soup and a Cobb salad.

So, fire me instead.

But I like you.

You're a shitty assistant, but your skin's
like milk, and you're almost as smart as I am.

If you make this easy for me,

let me steal all the
office supplies I want,

we can do it on the table before I go.

You would have been a killer in business

if you hadn't pissed away your potential
on the mommy track.

Yeah. I guess it wasn't meant to be.

Look at you, anal.

Shouldn't you just sweep everything off
and ravage me like a real man?

I spent the whole day organising this shit.

- Bitch.
- Oh, yeah. I'm bad. Punish me.