Weeds (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 5 - Mrs. Botwin's Neighborhood - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

I am running for City Council.

My little buddy over here is a first-timer.

Do you have any student discounts?

"Lacy Laplante."

Why not just call me "Mary Jane Dealer"?

This is hydro.

We are good to grow.

Basically my whole life's been
leading up to the rabbinate.

You can't downsize me!

Fuck all of you! Fuck all of you!



Aram Kesheshian,
north-side Armenian power.

You are new to the neighborhood.

This is to say goodbye.

Huskeroos. It's a clothing line
for larger children.

My daughter is not modeling fat clothes.

Y'all are gathered here today

to join these two in holy matrimony!

Megan's pregnant, and we're keeping it.

She's already taken a whole box of tests.

She's gonna take another one.

- You're humiliating her.
- Silas, she's fine.

She's pregnant!

Well, we're going to confirm that.

- Why do you have a home-pregnancy test?
- Do you want me to kill you?



- I can't pee.
- Drink some water.

I was just asking a question.

- I ask the questions.
- Fine.

- I'm the mother.
- Okay.

- How did this happen?
- You don't want to hear it.

Oh, but I really do.

If I had to bet on it, I would say
it was three weeks ago in my room.

Doggie style. When I pulled out,
the condom was gone.

Megan has really strong muscles.

Must have sucked the thing right off...

Stop. Stop. Stop.

You asked.

You want to be the cool mom.

No. No, I don't.

A million things in this world I want to be.

"Cool mom," nowhere on that list.

Well, I hope "grandma" is on that list.

This is all so exciting.

Isn't this exciting? It's exciting.

Are you nervous about the audition?

A little.

There's nothing to be nervous about.

Hodes?

Isabelle Hodes?

She's right here.

Hey.

Do your best.

Hello.

You're late.

Yes, well,
I'm running for elected office, Dean.

Believe it or not, I have better things to do.

Well, I have a job interview.
For a job, Celia,

which we need,
so we can afford your campaign.

Of course. So, who's rejecting you today?

Just try to make sure
our daughter gets out of here

with some modicum of self-esteem.

Try not to get tasered this time.

Your girl's in there right now.

That's wonderful.

You want a maple bar?

No. No, thank you.

I'm getting a corn-syrup contact high
just sitting here.

"I'm comfortable in my skin.

"I want my clothes to reflect what's within.

"Good things come in big packages.

"The bigger, the better,
the Huskeroo sweater."

Excuse me.

Huskeroo lets you be you!
Huskeroo lets you be you!

Isabelle!

Mom?

She's fantastic.

This is us.

These are our pot-growing
Armenian neighbors.

Ten houses on this block,
four of them growing.

How in the fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck
does that happen?

Hey, can I sniff your pen?

I love the smell of Sharpies.

Do you ever smell dry-erase markers?

- Oh, yeah.
- That's even... Hey!

Do none of you people even fucking get it?

We just opened up a Burger King
in the middle of fucking McDonald's,

except Ronald is this track-suit-wearing
motherfucker named Bizarre

with a last name
that looks like an eye chart,

ready to cut your dick off
and mail it in four different directions.

We're buck-naked in front of George Bush
with our dick in his daughter's mouth.

Enough with the dicks.

What if those houses
accidentally burn down?

Okay. No. No, thank you.
No, thank you, honey.

We got a house full of plants, Lacy.

We need to pack them up in soil,
rent us some U-Hauls, and get the fuck out.

We have to move.

Hey, can we at least hire the guys
outside of Home Depot to move us?

- I got lower-lumbar pain.
- We're not going anywhere.

- I don't believe that you heard me.
- I heard you. Dicks and McDonald's.

We have as much right to grow pot
in our rental house as they do.

We're staying. I'll take care of it.

Bridgeport, Connecticut, lifeguarding.

Charlie?

Florence?

Ellen?

No. No. Okay.

I want to talk to them by myself.

Okay. Okay.

It's gonna be great.

Text-message me right after, okay?

Here you go.

What's this?

New bakery, new location, under the "X."

You're opening a bakery
in a residential cul-de-sac.

It's a special kind of bakery.

Special? How?

Special in that we won't
necessarily bake anything there.

What are you going to do in this bakery,
if you do not bake?

We're going... That is to say, we're already

growing.

- Growing?
- I grow.

That is special.

- You didn't tell me about this in Las Vegas.
- You're mad?

- This is a visionary idea, Mrs. Botwin.
- You're mad.

Something like that.

The circles, these are...

Other visionaries.

Hostile visionaries.

I'm wondering what you think about it.

I'm thinking this wasn't one of my vows.

Silas got his girlfriend pregnant.

Doggie style.

- What?
- They're telling her parents today.

I should be at home, waiting for him,
but I can't, because I have this problem.

I have fires in two houses, Mr. Botwin.

Mr. Scottson.

I've got to get back to work.

Go be a mom.

Cheddarella. No crust.

- So...
- Well, I don't know.

She wanted to do it alone. I said okay.

But she hasn't messaged me yet.

Yeah.

She's probably dealing with a lot right now.

Maybe they took her phone.

Yeah, maybe that's it.

The water's nice.

I told Andy and Shane.

Oh?

Do you want to talk?

No.

Are you sure?

We went upstairs in this big building,
and after my uncle paid her,

Jade took me into a room
and told me to take off my pants.

- Shut up!
- No way!

- Way.
- Did you do it?

- I did.
- You took your pants off?

- I did.
- No way!

Shut up!

How long did it last?

I'd say 45 seconds.

- Shut up!
- No way!

That's awesome!

- You're supposed to be studying.
- Study this.

Bitch has gotta learn.

You guys want to see what she looked like?

- Whoa.
- Whoa.

- Whoa!
- Whoa!

My Uncle liked Cindy, but I had Jade.

I got some on my knee,
and she wiped it off with a warm towel.

Cheddarella!

Botwin house.

Not here, ma'am. Try back later.

What?

Shane?

We have reason to believe
that Shane was abused by a masseuse.

- Here at school?
- No, not at school. At a massage parlor.

And if I'm to believe the conversation
I overheard with his friends,

he's suggesting that his uncle took him
to this establishment.

- His uncle?
- You!

What? Me?

Come on.

What kind of man would take
a prepubescent boy to a massage parlor?

An irresponsible,
morally bankrupt degenerate.

Is that what you pulled me out of
the yeshiva to tell me?

- Yeshiva?
- Yeah, at HaMidrash LaTorah,

where I'm a full-time rabbinical student.

We're taught to contemplate, ask questions,

and exercise restraint
before reaching conclusions.

And only then,
and with religious trepidation,

do we attempt to interpret.

What are you saying, Mr. Botwin?

What am I saying?

I'm saying he made it up.

He wanted to look cool
in front of his friends.

- He made it up?
- Shane's going through changes.

- He's experimenting.
- Experimenting?

He's masturbating.

It's an awkward time for a young man.

- You remember that time, don't you?
- Possibly.

You know, you turn out the lights,
you crawl into bed,

- you reach down there and feel...
- That you're alone.

- Suddenly, it's...
- Halloween.

Your father's standing there,
dressed in a bee costume, watching you.

Principal Dodge?

- The shame.
- Yeah, the shame.

So, you didn't take him to see Jade?

I took him to a Chinese restaurant.

We're gonna let young Shane off
with a warning.

- That's super.
- And we're not gonna mention, you know...

Your father in the bee costume.

- Have a good day, Mr. Botwin.
- Yeah.

Hello, my name is Debra Gehringer,

calling on behalf of
Agrestic Citizens for Change...

Hello. We are making a courtesy call
to remind concerned voters, like yourself,

about the debate for City Council...

Hi, this is Nancy Botwin,

and I'm calling on behalf of
Agrestic Citizens for Change.

Would you like Agrestic to be
a drug-free community?

Nancy, put a little more perk in your pitch.

Hi, can I speak to Mr. Fuck Hewson?

- I can't do this, Celia.
- What?

We're just letting people know
about the debate.

"Debra Gehringer,
Agrestic Citizens for Change"?

Well, I can't just say it's me.

- You know, that would be too...
- Honest?

...leading.

We're trying to let the voters
decide for themselves.

I guess that's only marginally delusional.

You know, there's no gun pointed
at your head.

If you can't make time for
the pressing problems of greater Agrestic...

That's exactly it. I can't make time.
I've got problems at home.

Really?

Do you want to talk about it?

I don't want to talk about it.
I just want to go home.

You know, I tell you about
my husband's unemployment,

my daughter being
the face of America's trans fat, so...

Tell me what's going on with you.

Please, Nancy.

- Celia...
- Aren't we friends?

- I just want to go.
- You can't even say it.

You don't want to be my friend.

Everything is not about you, Celia.

- What the fuck are you doing?
- Be my friend!

- Let go of my fucking hair!
- Be my friend!

- Let go of my fucking hair!
- Be my goddamn, motherfucking friend!

- You're insane!
- Selfish! Selfish! Selfish!

You two are just like sisters.

Hi, Deano.

Hey, you got the late shift.

Don't you have a debate
with my wife tomorrow?

Oh, yeah, the debate thingy.

What's on the boob?

Yeah, as your campaign manager,

I should tell you,
she's been practicing all week.

Well, she's wasting her time.
Nobody goes to those things.

And, besides, I'm great at debating.
Go ahead. Ask me a question.

Mr. Wilson, what zoning laws
do you plan to enact

to combat suburban sprawl?

Next question.

- You're not even worried.
- Worried?

Nobody likes your wife.
You don't even like her.

I could stand up at that podium
tomorrow night,

and take a shit on one of
those Make-A-Wish cancer kids,

and people will still vote for me,
'cause they hate your wife.

And I'm likable.

Now, you almost make me feel bad
for Celia.

Tell her that. Maybe she'll fuck you.

See, I'm on your side, buddy. Vote for me.

Bitchin'.

Doug, you think it's the circuit breaker?

Next question.

Come on, boy. Zip it up.

I'm trying, Heylia.
You got to inhale more or something.

Now, I ain't that fat.

Just put some backbone into it.
Come on. One, two, three.

That's it. All right.

That's him! That's him!

- Give me the vanilla extract.
- What do you need that for?

Just give it to me. He likes baked goods.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

All right, here.
How do I look? How do I look?

- You look good.
- All right.

Oh, shit. You ain't Joseph.

You got any coffee?

- Conrad, get the child some coffee.
- Make it black.

She likes it black, Conrad.

- Late night?
- Helping my friend Lacy out.

Some kids in her neighborhood
took a hand ax to her electrical cables.

I had to drive over there and figure out
how to hook up a generator.

You'd think they'd leave instructions
on those damn things.

- Where's she live?
- Gardendale.

Lacy needs to get herself a new address.

That's what she's coming around to.

Conrad, did you say something?

Oh, no, I'm just getting missus here
some coffee.

There's sure nothing, Miss Heylia, ma'am.

- Who's having a picnic?
- I am.

I can't remember the last time
I had a picnic.

Oh, God, that's good.

- Did you pack that kush?
- Yeah.

Just two of them. Two.

Hello. Oh, hey, honey.

Calm down. Calm down.

I'm coming.

- That Lacy?
- No.

I need my stuff.

- It's almost ready.
- I need it now.

You're gonna have to give me a second.

I'll come back for it later.

- Where have you been?
- I'm here. What happened?

- Where were you?
- What happened to your face?

I just wanted to see Megan.

Well, calm down.

She hasn't been in school for two days.
They took her to a clinic.

She won't answer my messages.
I just wanted to talk to her.

I just wanted to talk to her,

and he won't let me talk to her,
and he hit me.

- Hit you? Who?
- I did.

You hit my kid?

I only wanted to talk to her.

You hit my kid?

Your son fucking stabbed me.

He put his foot through the window,
I grabbed a hold of him,

and he grabbed a piece of glass,
and he stabbed me. So, yes, I hit him.

Silas?

Keep him away from my daughter.

- Your son's a fucking loser.
- You taught me how to drive.

Silas, get in the car.

He just wanted to talk to her.
What's the big fucking deal?

The big deal, Mrs. Botwin, is that
I had a decent, respectable daughter.

Please.

She meets your son,
she starts smoking pot,

she's doing ecstasy,
and she's having abortions.

Before she met Silas, she was
the blowjob queen of Dewey Street.

And you're a shitty parent.

You lay a hand on my kid again,
I will kill you.

Do you understand me?
Are you fucking hearing me?

- You need to leave now.
- We're leaving. We are completely leaving.

Just drive. Just drive.

And you can make that choice for change
by giving me your vote on election day.

And, when elected, I promise to be
everything that Doug Wilson is not.

Active, committed, engaged.

Ace.

Thank you.

Mr. Wilson, your final statement.

Nah, I'm good.

Go, Doug!

- Hey, Sanjay.
- Hey, Andy.

- What's that humming sound?
- The generators.

The Armenians cut the electrical cables.

- Well, that's not very neighborly.
- They're a historically put-upon people.

It's not neighborly, but it's understandable.

Why are you standing like that?

It's the only way to get Channel 12.

Thanks.

We also get channel 34, infomercials,
and you don't have to hold the antenna.

I bought Diamonique earrings for Nancy.

I mean my mother.

- Good night.
- Night.

This is a beautiful commemorative set
of baby-Jesus singing bowls.

Each were handcrafted
in Santa Fe, New Mexico,

and signed by the original artist.

You know, and the great thing about
these singing bowls, Roger, is that they...

- It's a raid.
- What?

The cops are outside everywhere.
They're all over the place, Andy.

Shit. Shit! Shit!

- What do we do? What do we do?
- I don't know.

- We got to hide it! We got to hide it all!
- Okay, okay, okay.

- Turn on the lights.
- No. We can't turn on the lights.

- We'll ruin the grow cycle.
- Turn on the lights, Sanjay!

Conrad said never turn on the lights
at night.

Fuck Conrad!

Okay. God damn it. All right.

Plants.

Shit! Shit! Shit!

Get the plants. You better get the plants!

- Wait. Wait. What do I do?
- Flush everything. I got to save the mother!

If you take the prayer stick, and stir it
around the outside rim of the bowl,

not only does it make a beautiful sound...

No. Oh, no.

Okay, Mama.

The baby Jesus blinks his eyes.
Isn't that precious?

Forgive me.

We had this pregnant hamster
in science class, last year,

and Denny Corwin
stuck a pencil up her butt,

and, later, she had dead babies,
kind of like an abortion.

Fuck you.

It was not a fucking hamster.

- Shane.
- What?

I don't want you playing
with Denny Corwin anymore.

Go get ready for school.

Hello?

I have a gift for you.

- You do?
- Yeah.

Turn on your TV. Channel 8.

- All right.
- I'd hurry.

The daring raid
on four marijuana grow houses

took place late last night in Gardendale.

Residents were awakened to the sounds
of police sirens and battering rams.

Over 1,000 plants were confiscated,
and dozens were arrested,

including drug kingpin Aram Kesheshian.

I'm here live with Agent Peter Scottson
from the Drug Enforcement Agency.

He led this raid. He joins us now.
Agent Scottson?

Hang on just a second, will you?

Lieutenant Scottson, can you tell us,

is this a common base of operation
for drug dealers?

Gated communities can provide
the perfect cover for a drug operation,

insulation from the outside world.

But they can also provide the
ideal environment for a well-executed bust.

Gates keep people out,
but they can also keep people in.

In this case, an Armenian drug cartel.

I'm not sure I would use the term "cartel,"
but no doubt it was a major operation.

This is a drug-free zone now.

Okay. Thank you.
Agent Scottson from the DEA.

Reporting live from the scene,
I'm Lynette Romero.

- Back to you in the studio.
- Thanks, Lynette.

Oh, wow.

Yep.

As I was saying, I was looking for
the perfect gift to get my wife,

and, so, I got her a neighborhood.

You got me a neighborhood.

I did.

You're very thoughtful, Mr. Scottson.

And you are very, very beautiful,
Mrs. Scottson.

Oh, my.