Weeds (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 3 - Last Tango in Agrestic - full transcript
Nancy literally loses her lunch when she realizes that Peter knows she is a drug dealer, but Peter assures her that he's OK with it; Shane has clogged up the plumbing in the house with his tube socks, so Andy has a talk with him about how to better dispose of his "man juice"; speaking of man juice, 1 condom + 1 safety pin = Silas' plan to keep Megan from going away to Princeton; Celia enrolls Isabelle in Boot Camp to get her ready for Fat Camp this summer, but when asked to participate, Celia pulls a muscle she hasn't used in quite a while; later, Celia finally talks Nancy into helping her with her campaign; Peter does something with Nancy in Las Vegas that proves beyond a doubt that she can trust him with her secrets.
Conrad, this is Celia.
I fucked a black man. Conrad.
Where's Conrad?
Hey, I've been meaning to ask:
is Conrad a popular name in the
African-American community?
You don't get it. This is Princeton.
I can't get into Princeton. I'm not deaf.
Did you just say what
I think you've said?
Megan and I broke up, okay?
Basically, my whole life
has been leading up to this,
to here, to the rabbinat.
I think you're full of shit.
Are you letting me in?
Provisionally.
You should run for City Council.
Doug would lose his mind.
I have a dead plant
and a check for $80,000.
You need to find a grow house.
Where the hell did you get that kind of money?
Sanjay burned the bakery down.
What do you do exactly?
I'm a DEA agent.
Don't ever call me
or contact me again.
I know you're a drug dealer.
So stupid.
Come on, Nancy.
Let's talk.
There are only 400 DEA
agents in the entire world.
Stupid.
And it's our job to go after
every single drug dealer.
So stupid.
Crystal meth labs in Colorado,
heroin exporters in Afghanistan,
cocaine growers in Colombia.
So unbelievably fucking stupid.
So when I come accross a
suburban widow dealing dime bags
to bored housewives, I like
to flatter myself by thinking
that I have more important
things to do with my time.
Professionally speaking.
No offense, Nancy, but
you're way below my radar.
Small patatoes, teeny tiny
fish in a deep narcotic sea.
So, I'm thinking, if
you're well enough,
we grab a bite to eat,
get a nice bottle of wine,
try to figure this whole thing out.
You could be trying to set me up.
- I'm not.
- How do I know that?
You just have to trust me.
Trust you?
You're a DEA agent.
Natural enemies.
We're like that story, the
scorpion and the turtle.
- The scorpion and the frog.
- Turtle.
Turtles have hard shells.
How can the scorpion
sting through a hard shell?
Sting 'em in the neck.
Repeat.
Stop being cute.
How long have you known?
After we first met,
when you blew me off.
I sort of snooped
into your life, sorry.
Wasn't hard to figure out.
It is my job after all.
Are you wearing a wire?
How do I check for a wire?
Oh God! I love your chest.
God! I'm completely freaking out.
I love this wine. Don't
you love this wine?
You're adorable when you're looped.
I'm not looped.
The alcohol flushes me. It gives a natural blush.
All girls look better with blush.
At least, that's what
my sister told me.
Jill?
You're good.
Okay, let's say I quit.
Quit everything and got a job at
Nordstroms. Would you let me go?
I don't wanna let you go.
Can't you just pretend
you don't know what I do?
- Yeah, I could.
- No, you couldn't. Scorpion.
What if this is all an act
you put on to nail dealers?
Take them to dinner
and profess my love?
That's how I took down
the Santiago brothers.
Still no way I can trust you ever.
Never ever.
Never say never.
I've had a little
time to think this out.
And?
I am a man with a plan.
A man. A plan.
A canal Panama.
- What?
- It's a palindrome.
It's the same backwards as
forwards like Madam I'm Adam.
We're going to Panama?
We're going to make this work.
Rise and shine, little girl.
What?
School is not till 8.
Yes, but boot camp is at 6.
Boot camp?
Yeah, you don't wanna be the
fattest girl at fat camp this summer.
Do you?
Okay, you guys, we begin now!
Feel it in the chest!
Left arm, pull!
Feel it in the back!
Yeah, I'm gonna be in the car.
Okay, okay, here we go. Jump!
Uno, dos, three, four, ...
Do you want to join us?
- Me?
- Just you.
Not, it's not for me. It's for my daughter.
I have a tape that I do at home.
No looky lose, just dooey does.
Yes, well, I've only paid for her.
So, go into your stuff.
Muy bien.
I've seen your posters.
What?
You know de... campagna.
- My campaign posters?
- Yes.
And to be winner, you must be thinner.
I don't have time for this.
And at $40 an hour, neither do you.
Talk to the muscles!
Yeah, fuck my muscles.
You'll live to be 110 years old.
I'm 75 and I look 21!
I just had this outfit drycleaned.
- You okay, mom?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- He bullied me into this!
- No Ricardo's fault.
I went through chimo.
- Oh, I went through chimo!
- Oh, me too!
Yeah, well, I had radiation.
- I had radiations.
- So did I.
Plus I'm low blood sugar.
- Type 1 diabetis.
- Type 2 for me.
Oh, fuck you both!
Sweetheart, don't worry. Your
mom is gonna be just fine.
Please... That bitch
will outlive us all.
- I heard that.
- Good.
Alright! We're here to exercise.
We're not here to
stand around. Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking.
We're encoutering some turbulence.
We'd like you to return to your
seat and fasten your seatbelt.
Thank you.
Hey, shalom! Hi.
I'm doing an article
for the school paper.
Mind answering a few questions?
We don't have a school paper.
No, it's more of a prototype really.
Anyway, you're married?
Dating? Living in sin?
Not since my lover was killed.
Dead lover you say.
He was my commanding
officer in the Israeli army.
Fucking Hamas suicide bomber piece of
shit blew him up in a pizza parlour.
That is so awful. The whole
Middle East thing, I mean... why?
Anyway, since hunting
down Zev's murderer,
I've sort of been
concentrating on my studies.
Well, grief takes us strange places.
You've lost someone
close to you as well?
My brother Judah dropped dead
while jogging with his young son.
We were really close.
We were like brothers.
Judah... it's a beautiful name.
It means the praised one.
What's the story behind Yael?
It's from the Book of Judges.
Yael invites a leader of
the enemy army into her tent,
gives him milk to drink,
when he falls asleep,
she hammers a tent
stake through his skull.
I love judges.
Guess my parents expected
big things from me.
In that case, how about I take
you out to dinner some time?
No milk, a little wine maybe.
To say thanks for
everything you've done.
I have a policy never to date students.
- Just commanding officers, huh?
- I was following orders.
Come on, I just...
I just wanna say thanks...
for saving me from
being a victim of a
road side bomb in downtown Baghdad.
Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
Hi, everyone! Sorry I'm late.
Rough day at the office, dear?
I had some stuff to take care of.
- Stuff?
- What kind of stuff?
What do you do now
that the bakery is gone?
I'm looking for a small
business to invest in, I look.
Today, I looked. I might
look again tomorrow.
You make this big deal
about family dinner
and then you show up late
after disappearing all day.
Yeah, well, I'm here now so...
give me a break.
Do we have any aspirin?
Too many aspirin can
give you bleeding ulcers.
Thanks for the tip,
Shane. What's for dinner?
Lamb and couscous and ratatouille. Why don't you pull up a seat?
Goddamn plumbing! This
house is built like crap.
It's gonna cost me a fortune.
So how was everyone's day?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
...that's okay in Hebrew.
How was your day, Nancy?
Okay. It was okay.
I fucking miss you.
I miss you too.
Are you going to stop being an asshole?
If we only have a few months
together, I wanna make them count.
Really count.
I want us both to remember this
time for the rest of our lives.
Starting now.
Fucking pipes!
Anyway, someone's been
flushing socks down your pipes.
Socks? What kind of socks?
Tube socks. Those with the stripes.
You have a son, say
around 11 or 12 years old?
He's probably been flushing
his jerk socks down the toilet.
Jerk socks?
He make the man salsa
in the sock then flush.
I never went through this with Silas.
Silas used T-shirts and then tied them
at the bottom of the laundry.
You or your husband
oughta talk to him.
Otherwise I'll be back
here in a couple of days
to snake out your pipes
all over again. Thanks.
Me or my husband...
If only Shane would have started
whacking when Mr. Judah was alive!
What have we done? Peter.
So what was it you wanted to talk about?
You know how the...
plumbing's been screwed
up in the last few days?
Yeah.
Turns out uh...
Someone's been...
flushing their socks down the toilet.
- Socks?
- Socks.
Oh.
Any idea who might be doing that?
Lupita?
Why would Lupita flush her socks?
'Cause she's too lazy to wash 'em?
Shane, have you been
flushing your socks?
No!
It's okay if you have.
I haven't.
Shane, have you noticed any
changes in your body recently?
What tiny changes?
- You know, changes.
- I'm getting taller.
- No, down there changes.
- Down there?
With your penis, Shane. Have you
noticed any changes with your penis?
What's wrong with my penis?
Nothing, that's just it,
it's perfectly natural.
What's perfectly natural?
Stuff that comes out when you rub it.
I have to go to school.
Go.
- Talk to Shane about jerking off.
- I'm all over it.
What am I looking at?
Gated community. Ain't
no cops driving by.
Now discreet exterior,
decent square footage,
access to power lines.
We trust the landlord?
We trust him to stay far away.
Mr. Avakian has been a
client of mine for years.
Retired to Arizona.
As long as we pay rent on time
and swear we're not Turkish,
- we are golden.
- Not Turkish?
Armenians hate Turks. Some Armenian genocide thing or something.
Just never order Turkish coffee
in an Armenian restaurant,
they'd fucking take your head off.
That's a great tip considering
all the fine Armenian dining I do.
Don't knock it. Nice Pastrami
sandwich, some fattoush salad.
It's nothing to sneer at!
Now you been eating some weird shit.
That's right, I heard you
guys ain't adventurous eaters.
No, that's just not true.
'Cause real men eat the sushi.
Okay, I don't need to be a
part of this conversation.
I just don't eat nothing
called "fat tush".
I'm sure you've had "fat tush" before.
No, see another stereotype.
Wait, wait, wait, I
know there's a joke here.
Enough! Call Mr. Avakian and
tell him we'll take the house.
It's really happening.
- It sure is.
- I feel good.
I'm not scared.
Don't make sense not to
be just a little scared.
Well, I'm not. Not even a little.
Baby...
do you know about the evil eye?
You need to stop talking like that.
Good, good. Good, good, good.
Avakian wants to know
if he has to paint.
Negative on the paint.
It's ours.
Listen up, people.
Now that we're stepping
up, we gotta watch our shit.
Growhouses get busted for like
girlfriends who want revenge,
ex-wives who don't get
their alimony check.
It's fucked up personal shit that
will get you popped everytime.
So we tell no one...
about this place.
We're clear?
Sorry, I'm late.
What did I miss?
Uh, Conrad just said something.
Conrad...
Here.
What's this?
Filed papers for my campaign.
Notarize them, send them in.
Charge it to the office Fed Ex
account, save everyone a few bucks.
Yeah. Sure.
You're the Conrad who fucked my wife.
Oh, terrific!
Um...
Look, man, I don't have to say I...
Alright, you know what...
No, no, fair is fair.
Fair is fair. Fair is fair.
You get one free shot.
Wait!
I need time to plan.
What the fuck!
Yo! Ain't no planning.
You hit me now or the
offer is off the table.
I never hit a man before.
And...
I'm not good under pressure.
You have to let me take a raincheck.
You're taking pussy to a
whole new level right now.
Please...
you did bang my wife.
Fine. Just no sucker
punches to the stomach.
That's how Houdini died and
I ain't going out like that.
Jesus!
I'm surrounded by
the fucking Lost Boys.
Alright listen closely, I'm
not gonna beat around the bush.
Your little body is changing,
it's all good, believe me.
Problem now is...
everytime we jerk the gherkin,
we end up with a lot of unwanted
sticky white stuff everywhere, right?
Right! So, first order of business...
No more socks.
They're expensive, gumming
up the works plumbing-wise.
You might be thinking to
yourself "but Uncle Andy,
what do I do with all that pearl jam
if I can't spew it
in the mystery sock?"
Glad you asked.
You can have a lovely time tugging
the tiger in the shower each morning.
That eliminates the
need for a goo glove.
But the day is long,
masturbation's fun,
so unless we wanna take
4 or 5 showers everyday,
we're gonna need some
other options here.
So let's start with the basics.
Tissues. Perfectly acceptable
backstop for all that creamy italian.
It can be rough and dry on
such soft sensitive skin,
not to mention that can stick to
your dick head like a fucking band-aid.
Aouch!
From there we move on
to more lubricated ***,
specifically bananas.
Step 1: peel the banana.
Step 2: slip the peel
over your Andy Johnson,
start pitching.
Now for extra credit, warm up
the peal in the microwave...
Not too hot!
Serious yowza.
Also olive oil, moisturizer,
honey, spit, butter, hair
conditioner and vaseline
can all be used for lube.
In my opinion, the best lube...
is lube.
So save your allowance.
Invest in some soon.
Alright, moving on.
When you tug your
Thomas on the toilet...
shoot right into the bowl.
In bed, soft t-shirt,
perhaps a downy handtowel
if you're very horny and you
don't mind tossing after tossing.
There's no such thing as polishing
the raised scepter of love too much.
It reduces stress. It
enhances immune function.
Also: practice makes perfect
so work on your control now
while you're a solo artist.
You'll be playing some long
happy duets in the future.
Alright, class dismissed.
Hey!
Homework.
Still using that anti-bacterial soap?
It's good for the baby.
Fucks up the baby's immunities.
It don't fuck up the baby's immunities.
Girl, that child needs
to get germs and bacteria
so he can fight 'em off
and develop antibodies.
Keep killing everything around him and
his immune sytem is gonna be for shit.
Wind up living in a fucking bubble.
Actually, she's right. Overuse
of anti-bacterials can lead to...
Not your baby, stay out of this.
Yeah, stay out of it. I've got this.
Trying to turn my
grandbaby into a bubble boy!
And I ain't having it.
Ooh! Lord! It's him. That's
him. Quick, give me that weed.
What's going on?
The prince of pies.
- What?
- It's him. He's here.
I said get rid of it.
Time to melt Snowflake.
- What?
- Alright.
That's her.
The money.
Good afternoon.
Hi. I'm Nancy.
Okay.
I brought you a bean pie, Heylia.
Oh, Joseph! Aren't you lovely!
I've never had a bean pie.
Lucky you!
So, how much do I owe you?
That will be $24.
Do you have any more? I'll buy one.
I'm out.
Best be going now.
You know, I was just
about to take my exercise
so why don't I walk next door with you.
That would be lovely.
Nice meeting you, Joseph.
Okay.
What was that about?
That was about the
mountain coming to Mohammad.
He barely acknowledged my presence.
You're the white devil girl.
He's Nation Of Islam.
Y'all two ain't never having coffee.
Now, do me a favor.
Please take some of his
fucking little pies with you.
What's in a bean pie anyway?
Ground up white babies and nutmeg.
Hmm. My favorite.
What happened to you?
Pulled a muscle in
my cooze in bootcamp.
Alright? Happy you asked.
So, what brings you by, Celia?
I know that you're
depressed, I'm here for you.
Me?
I am here to pull you out of it.
- I'm not depressed.
- Bullshit!
Your business burned down.
Kids... busy with their
lives of their own.
Brother-in-law feeds off
of you like a parasite.
You haven't been laid
in God knows how long.
And you haven't been
to PTA in over a month.
What are you doing?
I'm fine, Celia.
So what do you do all day?
- Things.
- What things?
Okay, you didn't hobble over here
with your icky vagina just
to chase my blues away.
What do you want?
Please, work on my campaign.
Please! Doug is a
turd, Pam is an idiot.
You just keep me company. I
don't even care who you vote for.
I have a broken crotch,
you need to get out of
the house, it's win-win.
Please!
Just say yes. You know if you don't,
I'll never stop harrassing you.
Fine.
Fine.
- Hi, Mrs. Hodes.
- Hello, Shane.
How do you get your kids to eat fruit?
Shane's been on this
whole banana kick lately,
maybe he needs potassium, I don't know.
Well, I'm gonna go
home and ice my beaver.
See you next Tuesday.
Hello.
Hey there.
Just thinking about where we
were less than 24 hours ago.
Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking.
We're encoutering some turbulence.
We'd like you to return to your
seat and fasten your seatbelt.
Thank you.
We'll get you something
to wear when we land.
No one but us has to know about this.
Our secret.
- Strictly business.
- Strictly business.
This means they can't make
you testify against me?
They can not make me
testify against you.
And I get to hang on
to the certificate.
The certificate is all yours
to do with it what you will.
Anything else?
I need to be home in
time for family dinner.
Howdy, people!
Y'all are gathered here
today to join these two...
hound dogs
in holy
matrimony!
Do you trust me know?
When you did this with the Santiago
brothers, did they wear white?
I fucked a black man. Conrad.
Where's Conrad?
Hey, I've been meaning to ask:
is Conrad a popular name in the
African-American community?
You don't get it. This is Princeton.
I can't get into Princeton. I'm not deaf.
Did you just say what
I think you've said?
Megan and I broke up, okay?
Basically, my whole life
has been leading up to this,
to here, to the rabbinat.
I think you're full of shit.
Are you letting me in?
Provisionally.
You should run for City Council.
Doug would lose his mind.
I have a dead plant
and a check for $80,000.
You need to find a grow house.
Where the hell did you get that kind of money?
Sanjay burned the bakery down.
What do you do exactly?
I'm a DEA agent.
Don't ever call me
or contact me again.
I know you're a drug dealer.
So stupid.
Come on, Nancy.
Let's talk.
There are only 400 DEA
agents in the entire world.
Stupid.
And it's our job to go after
every single drug dealer.
So stupid.
Crystal meth labs in Colorado,
heroin exporters in Afghanistan,
cocaine growers in Colombia.
So unbelievably fucking stupid.
So when I come accross a
suburban widow dealing dime bags
to bored housewives, I like
to flatter myself by thinking
that I have more important
things to do with my time.
Professionally speaking.
No offense, Nancy, but
you're way below my radar.
Small patatoes, teeny tiny
fish in a deep narcotic sea.
So, I'm thinking, if
you're well enough,
we grab a bite to eat,
get a nice bottle of wine,
try to figure this whole thing out.
You could be trying to set me up.
- I'm not.
- How do I know that?
You just have to trust me.
Trust you?
You're a DEA agent.
Natural enemies.
We're like that story, the
scorpion and the turtle.
- The scorpion and the frog.
- Turtle.
Turtles have hard shells.
How can the scorpion
sting through a hard shell?
Sting 'em in the neck.
Repeat.
Stop being cute.
How long have you known?
After we first met,
when you blew me off.
I sort of snooped
into your life, sorry.
Wasn't hard to figure out.
It is my job after all.
Are you wearing a wire?
How do I check for a wire?
Oh God! I love your chest.
God! I'm completely freaking out.
I love this wine. Don't
you love this wine?
You're adorable when you're looped.
I'm not looped.
The alcohol flushes me. It gives a natural blush.
All girls look better with blush.
At least, that's what
my sister told me.
Jill?
You're good.
Okay, let's say I quit.
Quit everything and got a job at
Nordstroms. Would you let me go?
I don't wanna let you go.
Can't you just pretend
you don't know what I do?
- Yeah, I could.
- No, you couldn't. Scorpion.
What if this is all an act
you put on to nail dealers?
Take them to dinner
and profess my love?
That's how I took down
the Santiago brothers.
Still no way I can trust you ever.
Never ever.
Never say never.
I've had a little
time to think this out.
And?
I am a man with a plan.
A man. A plan.
A canal Panama.
- What?
- It's a palindrome.
It's the same backwards as
forwards like Madam I'm Adam.
We're going to Panama?
We're going to make this work.
Rise and shine, little girl.
What?
School is not till 8.
Yes, but boot camp is at 6.
Boot camp?
Yeah, you don't wanna be the
fattest girl at fat camp this summer.
Do you?
Okay, you guys, we begin now!
Feel it in the chest!
Left arm, pull!
Feel it in the back!
Yeah, I'm gonna be in the car.
Okay, okay, here we go. Jump!
Uno, dos, three, four, ...
Do you want to join us?
- Me?
- Just you.
Not, it's not for me. It's for my daughter.
I have a tape that I do at home.
No looky lose, just dooey does.
Yes, well, I've only paid for her.
So, go into your stuff.
Muy bien.
I've seen your posters.
What?
You know de... campagna.
- My campaign posters?
- Yes.
And to be winner, you must be thinner.
I don't have time for this.
And at $40 an hour, neither do you.
Talk to the muscles!
Yeah, fuck my muscles.
You'll live to be 110 years old.
I'm 75 and I look 21!
I just had this outfit drycleaned.
- You okay, mom?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- He bullied me into this!
- No Ricardo's fault.
I went through chimo.
- Oh, I went through chimo!
- Oh, me too!
Yeah, well, I had radiation.
- I had radiations.
- So did I.
Plus I'm low blood sugar.
- Type 1 diabetis.
- Type 2 for me.
Oh, fuck you both!
Sweetheart, don't worry. Your
mom is gonna be just fine.
Please... That bitch
will outlive us all.
- I heard that.
- Good.
Alright! We're here to exercise.
We're not here to
stand around. Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking.
We're encoutering some turbulence.
We'd like you to return to your
seat and fasten your seatbelt.
Thank you.
Hey, shalom! Hi.
I'm doing an article
for the school paper.
Mind answering a few questions?
We don't have a school paper.
No, it's more of a prototype really.
Anyway, you're married?
Dating? Living in sin?
Not since my lover was killed.
Dead lover you say.
He was my commanding
officer in the Israeli army.
Fucking Hamas suicide bomber piece of
shit blew him up in a pizza parlour.
That is so awful. The whole
Middle East thing, I mean... why?
Anyway, since hunting
down Zev's murderer,
I've sort of been
concentrating on my studies.
Well, grief takes us strange places.
You've lost someone
close to you as well?
My brother Judah dropped dead
while jogging with his young son.
We were really close.
We were like brothers.
Judah... it's a beautiful name.
It means the praised one.
What's the story behind Yael?
It's from the Book of Judges.
Yael invites a leader of
the enemy army into her tent,
gives him milk to drink,
when he falls asleep,
she hammers a tent
stake through his skull.
I love judges.
Guess my parents expected
big things from me.
In that case, how about I take
you out to dinner some time?
No milk, a little wine maybe.
To say thanks for
everything you've done.
I have a policy never to date students.
- Just commanding officers, huh?
- I was following orders.
Come on, I just...
I just wanna say thanks...
for saving me from
being a victim of a
road side bomb in downtown Baghdad.
Okay.
Fine.
Fine.
Hi, everyone! Sorry I'm late.
Rough day at the office, dear?
I had some stuff to take care of.
- Stuff?
- What kind of stuff?
What do you do now
that the bakery is gone?
I'm looking for a small
business to invest in, I look.
Today, I looked. I might
look again tomorrow.
You make this big deal
about family dinner
and then you show up late
after disappearing all day.
Yeah, well, I'm here now so...
give me a break.
Do we have any aspirin?
Too many aspirin can
give you bleeding ulcers.
Thanks for the tip,
Shane. What's for dinner?
Lamb and couscous and ratatouille. Why don't you pull up a seat?
Goddamn plumbing! This
house is built like crap.
It's gonna cost me a fortune.
So how was everyone's day?
- Okay.
- Okay.
Okay.
...that's okay in Hebrew.
How was your day, Nancy?
Okay. It was okay.
I fucking miss you.
I miss you too.
Are you going to stop being an asshole?
If we only have a few months
together, I wanna make them count.
Really count.
I want us both to remember this
time for the rest of our lives.
Starting now.
Fucking pipes!
Anyway, someone's been
flushing socks down your pipes.
Socks? What kind of socks?
Tube socks. Those with the stripes.
You have a son, say
around 11 or 12 years old?
He's probably been flushing
his jerk socks down the toilet.
Jerk socks?
He make the man salsa
in the sock then flush.
I never went through this with Silas.
Silas used T-shirts and then tied them
at the bottom of the laundry.
You or your husband
oughta talk to him.
Otherwise I'll be back
here in a couple of days
to snake out your pipes
all over again. Thanks.
Me or my husband...
If only Shane would have started
whacking when Mr. Judah was alive!
What have we done? Peter.
So what was it you wanted to talk about?
You know how the...
plumbing's been screwed
up in the last few days?
Yeah.
Turns out uh...
Someone's been...
flushing their socks down the toilet.
- Socks?
- Socks.
Oh.
Any idea who might be doing that?
Lupita?
Why would Lupita flush her socks?
'Cause she's too lazy to wash 'em?
Shane, have you been
flushing your socks?
No!
It's okay if you have.
I haven't.
Shane, have you noticed any
changes in your body recently?
What tiny changes?
- You know, changes.
- I'm getting taller.
- No, down there changes.
- Down there?
With your penis, Shane. Have you
noticed any changes with your penis?
What's wrong with my penis?
Nothing, that's just it,
it's perfectly natural.
What's perfectly natural?
Stuff that comes out when you rub it.
I have to go to school.
Go.
- Talk to Shane about jerking off.
- I'm all over it.
What am I looking at?
Gated community. Ain't
no cops driving by.
Now discreet exterior,
decent square footage,
access to power lines.
We trust the landlord?
We trust him to stay far away.
Mr. Avakian has been a
client of mine for years.
Retired to Arizona.
As long as we pay rent on time
and swear we're not Turkish,
- we are golden.
- Not Turkish?
Armenians hate Turks. Some Armenian genocide thing or something.
Just never order Turkish coffee
in an Armenian restaurant,
they'd fucking take your head off.
That's a great tip considering
all the fine Armenian dining I do.
Don't knock it. Nice Pastrami
sandwich, some fattoush salad.
It's nothing to sneer at!
Now you been eating some weird shit.
That's right, I heard you
guys ain't adventurous eaters.
No, that's just not true.
'Cause real men eat the sushi.
Okay, I don't need to be a
part of this conversation.
I just don't eat nothing
called "fat tush".
I'm sure you've had "fat tush" before.
No, see another stereotype.
Wait, wait, wait, I
know there's a joke here.
Enough! Call Mr. Avakian and
tell him we'll take the house.
It's really happening.
- It sure is.
- I feel good.
I'm not scared.
Don't make sense not to
be just a little scared.
Well, I'm not. Not even a little.
Baby...
do you know about the evil eye?
You need to stop talking like that.
Good, good. Good, good, good.
Avakian wants to know
if he has to paint.
Negative on the paint.
It's ours.
Listen up, people.
Now that we're stepping
up, we gotta watch our shit.
Growhouses get busted for like
girlfriends who want revenge,
ex-wives who don't get
their alimony check.
It's fucked up personal shit that
will get you popped everytime.
So we tell no one...
about this place.
We're clear?
Sorry, I'm late.
What did I miss?
Uh, Conrad just said something.
Conrad...
Here.
What's this?
Filed papers for my campaign.
Notarize them, send them in.
Charge it to the office Fed Ex
account, save everyone a few bucks.
Yeah. Sure.
You're the Conrad who fucked my wife.
Oh, terrific!
Um...
Look, man, I don't have to say I...
Alright, you know what...
No, no, fair is fair.
Fair is fair. Fair is fair.
You get one free shot.
Wait!
I need time to plan.
What the fuck!
Yo! Ain't no planning.
You hit me now or the
offer is off the table.
I never hit a man before.
And...
I'm not good under pressure.
You have to let me take a raincheck.
You're taking pussy to a
whole new level right now.
Please...
you did bang my wife.
Fine. Just no sucker
punches to the stomach.
That's how Houdini died and
I ain't going out like that.
Jesus!
I'm surrounded by
the fucking Lost Boys.
Alright listen closely, I'm
not gonna beat around the bush.
Your little body is changing,
it's all good, believe me.
Problem now is...
everytime we jerk the gherkin,
we end up with a lot of unwanted
sticky white stuff everywhere, right?
Right! So, first order of business...
No more socks.
They're expensive, gumming
up the works plumbing-wise.
You might be thinking to
yourself "but Uncle Andy,
what do I do with all that pearl jam
if I can't spew it
in the mystery sock?"
Glad you asked.
You can have a lovely time tugging
the tiger in the shower each morning.
That eliminates the
need for a goo glove.
But the day is long,
masturbation's fun,
so unless we wanna take
4 or 5 showers everyday,
we're gonna need some
other options here.
So let's start with the basics.
Tissues. Perfectly acceptable
backstop for all that creamy italian.
It can be rough and dry on
such soft sensitive skin,
not to mention that can stick to
your dick head like a fucking band-aid.
Aouch!
From there we move on
to more lubricated ***,
specifically bananas.
Step 1: peel the banana.
Step 2: slip the peel
over your Andy Johnson,
start pitching.
Now for extra credit, warm up
the peal in the microwave...
Not too hot!
Serious yowza.
Also olive oil, moisturizer,
honey, spit, butter, hair
conditioner and vaseline
can all be used for lube.
In my opinion, the best lube...
is lube.
So save your allowance.
Invest in some soon.
Alright, moving on.
When you tug your
Thomas on the toilet...
shoot right into the bowl.
In bed, soft t-shirt,
perhaps a downy handtowel
if you're very horny and you
don't mind tossing after tossing.
There's no such thing as polishing
the raised scepter of love too much.
It reduces stress. It
enhances immune function.
Also: practice makes perfect
so work on your control now
while you're a solo artist.
You'll be playing some long
happy duets in the future.
Alright, class dismissed.
Hey!
Homework.
Still using that anti-bacterial soap?
It's good for the baby.
Fucks up the baby's immunities.
It don't fuck up the baby's immunities.
Girl, that child needs
to get germs and bacteria
so he can fight 'em off
and develop antibodies.
Keep killing everything around him and
his immune sytem is gonna be for shit.
Wind up living in a fucking bubble.
Actually, she's right. Overuse
of anti-bacterials can lead to...
Not your baby, stay out of this.
Yeah, stay out of it. I've got this.
Trying to turn my
grandbaby into a bubble boy!
And I ain't having it.
Ooh! Lord! It's him. That's
him. Quick, give me that weed.
What's going on?
The prince of pies.
- What?
- It's him. He's here.
I said get rid of it.
Time to melt Snowflake.
- What?
- Alright.
That's her.
The money.
Good afternoon.
Hi. I'm Nancy.
Okay.
I brought you a bean pie, Heylia.
Oh, Joseph! Aren't you lovely!
I've never had a bean pie.
Lucky you!
So, how much do I owe you?
That will be $24.
Do you have any more? I'll buy one.
I'm out.
Best be going now.
You know, I was just
about to take my exercise
so why don't I walk next door with you.
That would be lovely.
Nice meeting you, Joseph.
Okay.
What was that about?
That was about the
mountain coming to Mohammad.
He barely acknowledged my presence.
You're the white devil girl.
He's Nation Of Islam.
Y'all two ain't never having coffee.
Now, do me a favor.
Please take some of his
fucking little pies with you.
What's in a bean pie anyway?
Ground up white babies and nutmeg.
Hmm. My favorite.
What happened to you?
Pulled a muscle in
my cooze in bootcamp.
Alright? Happy you asked.
So, what brings you by, Celia?
I know that you're
depressed, I'm here for you.
Me?
I am here to pull you out of it.
- I'm not depressed.
- Bullshit!
Your business burned down.
Kids... busy with their
lives of their own.
Brother-in-law feeds off
of you like a parasite.
You haven't been laid
in God knows how long.
And you haven't been
to PTA in over a month.
What are you doing?
I'm fine, Celia.
So what do you do all day?
- Things.
- What things?
Okay, you didn't hobble over here
with your icky vagina just
to chase my blues away.
What do you want?
Please, work on my campaign.
Please! Doug is a
turd, Pam is an idiot.
You just keep me company. I
don't even care who you vote for.
I have a broken crotch,
you need to get out of
the house, it's win-win.
Please!
Just say yes. You know if you don't,
I'll never stop harrassing you.
Fine.
Fine.
- Hi, Mrs. Hodes.
- Hello, Shane.
How do you get your kids to eat fruit?
Shane's been on this
whole banana kick lately,
maybe he needs potassium, I don't know.
Well, I'm gonna go
home and ice my beaver.
See you next Tuesday.
Hello.
Hey there.
Just thinking about where we
were less than 24 hours ago.
Ladies and gentlemen, this
is your captain speaking.
We're encoutering some turbulence.
We'd like you to return to your
seat and fasten your seatbelt.
Thank you.
We'll get you something
to wear when we land.
No one but us has to know about this.
Our secret.
- Strictly business.
- Strictly business.
This means they can't make
you testify against me?
They can not make me
testify against you.
And I get to hang on
to the certificate.
The certificate is all yours
to do with it what you will.
Anything else?
I need to be home in
time for family dinner.
Howdy, people!
Y'all are gathered here
today to join these two...
hound dogs
in holy
matrimony!
Do you trust me know?
When you did this with the Santiago
brothers, did they wear white?