Weeds (2005–2012): Season 2, Episode 2 - Cooking with Jesus - full transcript

Previously on Weeds.

Hi, I'm Craig Ex. And you are at the

Bodhi Sativa caregivers club.

Nancy, it's Sanjay. The bakery is on fire.

- Oh my God!
- I'm running for city council.

I run unoppposed, this is my thing.

You cannot become a lesbian just
because you don't wanna lose weight.

My whole life has been leading up
to this, to here, to the rabbinat.

I'm writing about what
being a Jew means to me.

Come here.

Did I mention I slept with
a DEA agent last night?



- I'm out.
- He doesn't know!

You've stepped in some shit

and you're not gonna
track it to my house.

- Hello.
- Peter.

I was wondering when I
was gonna hear from you.

You really know how to keep
a guy on the edge of his seat.

Peter, um...

I can't do this.

I really like you but uh...

I can't see you anymore, I'm sorry.

I'm a widow and I'm just
starting to get back on my feet.

And I can't get involved with
someone who does what you do.

Nancy, nothing's gonna happen to me.

You don't know that.



You deal with... drug dealers.
I can't get close to you and

lose you. I just... I couldn't...

go through that again.
I need to end this. Now.

I've been...

hurt too but I'm willing to

take the risk with you.

I have very strong feelings for you and

what I do is mostly a desk job, Nancy.

You carry a gun. I can't.

Please don't call me anymore.

I'm sorry.

- What's this?
- It's for the campaign.

Family picture. Warm. Fuzzy.

I put it on the calendar:
Wednesday, early evening.

You, me, Isabel.

What about Quinn? Isn't
she a member of this family?

I'm telling people she's
dead. Get the sympathy vote.

Celia!

I'm just kidding! Gosh!
Where's your sense of humor!

I phoned Quinn.

Offered to fly her back for the photo.

And we both agreed it would be
too hypocritical even for me.

She sends her love to you.

Wants to know if you'll mail
her some double A batteries

and s'more flavored poptarts.

That fucking rat dog
is giving me a migraine!

Well, you can count me out too.

Why? You're my husband!

And you're local, I
don't see a problem.

Maybe I don't feel
like being a hypocrit.

Hopefully by Wednesday, you'll
be back to your old self.

You don't want me to
work on your campaign.

Why do you want me in your picture?

'Cause your tie is
gonna match my dress.

Forget it! If I'm out of the
picture, I'm out of the picture.

Fine! Fine, it'll
just be me and Isabel.

You take a lousy picture anyway.

- Have a nice day!
- Oh, you too.

I don't know why we
couldn't go to Tacos Guacos.

I was up for Tacos Guacos.

It's too spicy and it
never looks clean in there.

You're a pussy.

There are Mexican things on this menu.

Look, they have tortilla soup.

It's a bowl of bullshit
with chips scraps.

- I hate chains.
- What about In & Out?

In & Out is independently
owned by religious nuts

that put biblical citations
on the bottom of the cups.

They don't franchise and
they use fresh ingredients.

They cook with Jesus.

Yeah, I bet if we went
to the kitchen here,

we'd find some guy named Jesus.

You're trying to be funny?

I am simply pointing out that most
Southern California restaurants

employ kitchen help of Latin descent.

And a lot of you name your kids
Jesus. It's a thing with you people.

Hey, kids.

Sorry we're late. It's Andy's fault.

Totally my fault.

Where's Conrad?

Yeah, I've been meaning to ask:

is Conrad a popular name in
the African American community?

He's the only one I ever met.

He's not coming.

He's out. Now...

let me show you what I worked out.

I've broken down
everything we need to do

and I've assigned you...

Wow! Time out.

The black dude had our genetics.

What happened to him?

Conrad.

He simply wasn't prepared
to take the next step.

Are we?

Thanks to a little
incident at the bakery...

I did that.

We're fully prepared, yes.

But we don't have a plant. What do
you mean "He simply wasn't prepared"?

We don't need his plant, we'll
get a new one at the Mohasky Cup.

You got us in?

They hold that in a
super secret location.

I'm just that good.

It's the promised land of pot.

The Makkah of marijuana.

The cathedral of cannabis.

The kingdom of kush.

The temple of tea.

In show off, man!

I'm just that good.

There are growers and venders
and clones all over the place.

I'll take Doug and Andy.

We'll pick the best one,
we'll start a harvest.

Just like that?

If everyone does his job, yes.

Dean, you need to find a grow house.

Sanjay, you can start
researching hydroponics.

And you, I need you to get equipement.

Grow lights and fans and all that.

We don't need Conrad or his plant.

We can have our own strain growing...

next week.

This would be a whole lot
easier if we had the black dude.

Yes, well, we don't so...

let's move on.

Next!

So I wanna grow hydroponic
homemade organic lettuces.

Come on, Conrad. Cut the shit, bro.

Lettuce?

Lettuce. You see what ** been charging for *** shit.

Tyrell, Tyrell. There's money
in there, I'm telling you.

Fine, that's how you wanna play?

I don't see how you could possibly
make enough to cover your expencies.

Much less make a profit
using this business model.

You ain't making lettuce
or fucking lettuce.

You're funny right now. Is this
how you talk to all your customers?

I do when I shared a bunk bed
with them at the YMCA care.

And even if we didn't go way back, bro,

any loan officer is gonna know,

you wanna grow some booyah.

Can you hold it down?

Hey, Jim! I got your e-mail.

I'll have those loan estimates
to you by 3 pm, buddy.

Hey, Jim, what do you say
we get together after work

*** hockey game, dude. Yeah!

Look, brother, I'm just
doing what I need to be doing.

And I'm not gonna risk my job
just to give you a grow loan.

Even if you did keep Antoine Griffin from
kicking the shit out of me after campfire.

Yeah, well, you're welcome.

I'm sorry about the loan.

Hey, about a free calendar?

I don't know no... Can
I just get my plan, dog?

Hey, beautiful.

Princeton?

What happened to UCLA?

I got into Princeton.
It's an Ivy League school.

But you said you would
go to UCLA and then

next year I would go to Northridge
and we would get an apartment together.

You don't get it. This is Princeton.

Well, I can't get into
Princeton. I'm not deaf.

Did you just said what
I think you've said?

I got into Princeton because
I'm smart and I work hard.

Yeah, well, I'm sure
being deaf didn't hurt.

So gozer in Hebrew means a
surgeon who performs circumcism.

And my bar mitzvah
seems like GhostBusters

featuring as we all know Gozer the Gozerian.

Coincidence? I don't think so.

Megan!

I don't think she heard you. Megan. Megan!

She's not listening to me either. Are you listening to me?

I'm listening.

Your judaism is like Ghostbusters.

It's totally dumb, right?

I'm going to Iraq.

I'm gonna die.

I like the part where the Hebrew school
bully locked you in the girls bathroom.

Chepsi Aras.

It was so fucked up.

Kids are supposed to get beat
up in the way to Hebrew school.

Not in it.

Are you gonna be ready
when Doug gets here?

Yeah.

Hey, Nanc', what's the real
story with you and Conrad?

There's no story, he just decided
to go in a different direction.

I think you're full of shit.

I think you're not
telling me something.

I don't give a flying
fuck what you think.

Celia.

Here, Nancy. Sign.

I'm dying of thirst.
Do you have a diet Coke?

Never should have worn
these fucking heels.

Didn't sleep a whole night.

The neighbors have this
new fucking yappy dog.

I wanna drop kick the thing.

Hello, freeloading brother-in-law.

You're not Doug.

I'm thinking that should
be my campaign slogan.

It's broken.

It is? Since when?

I don't know, I called the man.

There are corn sodas in the vegetable door.

That's where they are?
Why would you hide them?

I don't hide. I like them crispy.

And you drink too muck caffeine.

I'm sorry about your car.

Do you know who hit me?

Is she one of your maid
friends? What's her name?

Oh, I don't know, we just
call each other maid friend.

I go call the ice man now.

So, Nancy, I have covered from
Rancho Flora to Rancho Carnay.

So, if you could hit the Hill streets.

You know Hill Dale, Hill Bason,
all the way down to Hill Hurst.

I think we're gonna be good.

Did we have a plan?

What do you mean? I sent you an e-mail.

I sent you a whole schedule here.

Well, anyway, today, we're
canvassing for signatures.

I need like a 100 to be eligible.

Then I thought we'd have
a brainstorming session.

- I could make marguaritas.
- I'm busy today, Celia.

Doing what?

I mean I know you're not going to work.

So you have no excuse.

Who's ready to Mohasky?

Oh...

Who let in cancer cunt?

It's cancer tits, Doug.

No wonder your wife
prefers to fuck a pole.

My wife is fucking a Polish guy?

I think she's talking about
Dana's stripper class, Doug.

Oh, the actual pole.

I get it now.

That's funny.

But seriously I hate you and
I hope you get hit by a truck.

- Why are you here?
- Nancy and I are gathering signatures.

I'm not really free today, Celia.

You know what? I know I can kick
your sorry ass. Give me that.

Let me show you who the bigger man is.

Don't tell me that
you're working for Doug?

I'm not working for anybody,
you're both my friends.

You promised!

I didn't promise anything.

I'm not gonna get in
the middle of this.

We gotta get going, Nancy.

But where are you going with him?

Small business expo.

I need to find some work.

This doesn't have anything to
do with the campaign or anything.

Okay, Celia? Please, understand.

So you're really not
gonna help me with this?

- I just can't.
- I know.

- I'm sorry.
- Okay.

Andy, come meet us in the car.

Here you go.

Good luck!

Mr. Fuckyouson. 110, Eatshit Lane.

Oh, that's lovely. That's just lovely.

Hey, Nancy!

So glad you could make it!

- Douglas!
- Hey!

You're here as an official taster?

Me and Andy, we're the
lungs of the operation.

Thanks so much for getting us in.

You end up with some great
strain, you will return the favor.

Remember, it's all about relationships.

Totally.

Come on, you guys, let me show
you around. Bring the lungs.

Check it out, dudes.

I've died and gone to heaven.

I am so happy.

I'm in way over my head.

Just relax, I'll walk you through it.

Thanks, I appreciate it.

No problem, I'll catch you later.

Me too.

The trichomes on this baby are
so fat and lustrous they sparkle.

This has the musky botanical
smell of hay and autumn leaves.

This is the one.

This is the one.

We're talking yield up to
430 grams per square meter.

We're hawking Sativa
with Afghani Indica.

That last one... bullshit!

This is the one.

California strain with
White Rhino backcrossed.

This is so the one.

Ultimate body high with
giggles and munchies.

Oh, this is the one.

I'm glad that our last name isn't Drew

'cause you'd be Nancy Drew
and I'd be Andrew Drew.

When did CPR become necrophilia?

Sweet and peppery.

Psycho-active with clarity.

45 kg per plant.

Korea.

Jamaica.

Swaziland.

This is just some great shit.

You're gonna be selling
this shit inside of 3 months.

The high is cerebral and clear

but it's relaxant and
social at the same time.

It's got this piny earthy scent
like aroma therapy shit going on.

It is a Sativa Indica blend F1

but I've taken this mix
up to a F6 on a small scale

and I've stabilized the genetics
for seeing sales in the future.

I'm thinking ahead, you understand me?

This bitch right here
grow in a sealed green.

And ripen real fast
after fourth flower...

That's a beautiful plant, man.

I'm saying.

This is some beautiful shit.

I'm so proud of you, man.

I remember when you was just this
little stony kid limping behind Heylia.

Look at you now! You got your own strain.

What do you call that?

Shit, nigger, you lend me this
money, I'll call it "I like Mike".

'Cause my name is Mike!

I got you, that's beautiful.

So we can do business?

No.

How you gonna say no, dog?

No, man.

I'd love to get you some
seed money but you got...

you got some family shit, man.

And I can't get in no family
shit, not with Heylia James.

Dude, Heylia ain't got to know
nothing about what we doing.

Oh, man, we're in a small town.

We're in an even smaller business.

And if there's one thing we
all know about your aunty,

she's up in everybody's everything.

If she don't want you to grow, man,

she probably got her reasons.
Look, man, go talk to her.

Right?

Extend the peace pipe.

Get it? Peace pipe.

Yeah, I get it.

Andy!

Shh! I'm on a roll. Oh
God! This is so good.

This is so good, Nancy.

- What are you writing?
- My essay.

Why are you writing
in the girls' bathroom?

Men's room smells like pee.

What?

Oh, Andy. You're
right. This is the one!

I know, man, this is so the one.

What is it?

Booth 3, jar 6.

You gotta buy this,
Nancy. We'll rebrand it.

Call it Holy shit!

Holy shit, yes.

Shh! It's all flowing.

Is this your version of the Torah?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you could say that.

I found it very moving

and thoughtful.

I'm surprised.

Well, I have many layers.

I'm like lasagna.

Maybe you should never speak

but only write.

You make me nervous.

Are you letting me in?

Provisionally.

Alright! Alright! Guess who
got into rabbinical school?

It's great! Everybody's
getting into their dream school.

Congratulations!

Hey! What's up with you?

Nothing.

Come on, come on. Is it a girl thing?

I'm the expert, I saw up the
director of admissions skirt today.

Tell me what's up.

Megan got into Princeton.

Oh yeah? Good for her!

It's in New Jersey.

So go in New Jersey.

Just get a van and go, man.

I spent 4 years at Harvard

sitting in on classes, fucking
smart chicks, it was awesome.

Didn't cost me a dime.

I graduated at Magna Cum Loudly.

- Does it have to be a van?
- It has to be a van.

Come on, Isabel. We're losing the light.

Coming!

Oh, God!

- Who are you? Willy Nelson?
- I wanna wear this.

- What happened to the dress?
- I still have red on.

This picture is to make me look like
a warm and maternal public figure,

not the goddamn poster
parent for PFLAG.

Forget it!

I'm not playing dress-up for
your stupid little picture.

No, no, you march back into that house

and put on the goddamn pretty dress.

No!

It's all a lie.

Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter.

Yeah, and she's not in
any of the pictures either.

That's politics, honey.

And I didn't shoot anybody in the
face, so stop making comparisons.

I'm out of here.

Okay.

Alright, photographer,
let's go. It's just me.

That fucking yappy rat dog!

Come on, baby.

Don't you die on me.

Hey, mom, I just wanna let you know

next year I'm dropping out of
school and moving in New Jersey.

Okay.

..sales in the future.

This motherfucker right here will grow

in a sealed green,
I'm not playing, dude.

You know it will ripen real
fast after fourth flower...

Hey! Will you niggers shut the fuck up!

Man over here trying to talk.

You want a piece of avocado?

Got that good fat.

No, I'm good but thanks, man.

Anyway, all you gotta do...

Yeah, man, I heard enough. I'll do it.

Look, I gotta let you know that
Heylia ain't on board with this.

Yeah, I ain't afraid of Heylia.

I ain't scared of no bitch.
This about money, so...

I thought I told you all
niggers to shut the fuck up.

I don't like having to repeat myself.

Now, take Jacob into the
other room and clean him up.

And if you don't bring
my knife back clean,

I'm stabbing all of you
niggers through the heart.

You hear me? You understand?

Anyway, so just so we're clear,

you work for me.

That mean my money, my
operation, 60/40 my way.

You know what? Let me think about it.

Hey, this is some shit.

Stupid ass bitch don't know
how to take what's offered.

U-Turn, come on, man, we go
a little too far back to...

Yeah, man, I'm not talking to you,

I'm talking about this
stupid ass bitch on TV.

Anyway, go ahead, Conrad.

You know, do whatever
you gotta do, man.

You change your mind,
you know where I'm at.

I couldn't find a
house. Market's crazy.

The hydroponic seminar was
booked 3 months in advance.

How's our plant?

I think I killed it.

I have some good news.

You got us equipment?

No.

But I'm going to the show.

I got called up by the *** Toronto in the morning.

- Hey! Congratulations, man!
- Thanks, man.

Your cup of coffee, partner.

Oh, I fucking hate chains!

So I'm gonna buy a van.

And we can get an apartment
off campus together.

You can't miss senior year.

Yes, I can. I'll take
the GED, I don't care.

I just wanna be with you.

You'll have nothing to do.

I'll get a job. I'll
go to junior college.

New Jersey must be
full of crappy schools.

I love you.

No.

Oh, check me out.
Making fresh bruschetta.

I think it's pronounced bruscetta.

Now what the fuck you know.

The Italian guy on Iron
Chef said bruschetta.

You know you're gonna
have to stop saying fuck

around the baby so much.

And you're gonna have to stop
cooking with so much garlic.

- 'Cause it gives them gas.
- "You have to do this for me."

Well, if you don't like it,
you don't have to hear it.

- But I will watch my mouth.
- "Please talk to me."

I don't want my grandbaby first
words being something nasty.

"I just need a few minutes."

You want some bruschetta, Conrad?

Oh, no. No thanks, I gotta run.

Where the fuck he going?

I mean "hell". Where the hell he going?

Like you don't know.

You know he's looking for financing.

Well, he'll give up soon enough.

Ain't nobody around here gonna
back him while I'm around.

Damn, you're cold!

I'm not. Doing from
love. Boy ain't ready.

Still makes too many stupid decisions.

So you call my ass up 7000 times to
show me the Charlie Brown Christmas tree?

- I shouldn't even be here.
- Yes, you should.

Please, Conrad. I can't
do this without you.

No shit! That don't change things.

Conrad, I swear: he never knew a thing.

And I stopped seeing
him. We haven't spoken

in over a week.

I swear on my children. He had no idea.

And now he's out of my life.

And I have a dead plant.

And a check for $80,000 and
I'm surrounded by idiots.

Where the hell did you
get that kind of money?

Sanjay burned the bakery down.

Alright.

You know, my plant is so
much finer than this one.

I know your plant is fantastic.

Unbelievable trichomes.

So now you're showing off?

I'm just getting started.

So your kid just bit his kid's foot?

At a karate match. Totally
random like a sick cosmic joke.

Ever asked what you do?

Sure he did and he saw: I ran a bakery.

And when I asked about his work,

he came right out and told
me. No weirdness or anything.

So how did you break it off?

Clean.

I told him his work was too
dangerous. I couldn't lose another man.

He understood.

That's pretty good.

Conrad...

We're a great team.

Please, please, trust me.

It's all gonna work out.

Let's do this.

Shit!

Here we go.

I'll get napkins for everybody.

Thank you, honey. That's so great.

Icemaker is still broken.

Lupita!

He say he coming, I
don't control the man.

We need to talk about that little
bombshell you dropped on me.

- You're not quitting high school.
- I know.

Plan's off. Can we
just forget about it?

Plan's off? What happened?

Did you have something to do with this?

What? No! What are you talking about?

- What happened?
- Nothing.

Megan and I broke up, okay?
Can we change the subject?

We could talk about bird flu.

It's gonna kill everybody.

Let's not talk about
bird flu, sweetheart.

Swan flu?

Are you saying there's
flu in these spare ribs?

Beef ribs, baby.

This Jew boy is off
the other white meat.

- Hello.
- Hey, Nancy.

Peter.

I'm outside your house
right now and I'm not leaving

until I speak to you in person.

I'm getting out of the car
and walking to your door.

No, no, just... I'm coming out there.

Stay in your car. I'm coming.

There's this kid at my school
who always picks his nose

and he says that if you
don't pick your nose,

that your buggers could
back up and block your airway

and you could die.

I'll be right back.

I can see how that would be true.

Peter, I asked not to call me,

let alone drive to my house
and I think I was really clear.

I can't see you and I don't
know what you're doing here.

When I told you, this isn't
gonna work, I meant it.

And I didn't say it lightly
'cause I really do like you.

But I can't and I'm not
gonna change my mind.

And I'm really kind of
upset to see you here

because it hasn't been easy for me.

And frankly I think it shows
a lack of respect on your part

'cause I asked you to
stay away and you didn't.

So I'm gonna say it one last
time and I hope that you hear me:

please go away

and don't ever call
me or contact me again

because

we will never be.

I know you're a drug dealer.