Weeds (2005–2012): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Punishment Lighter - full transcript

Previously on Weeds:

My therapist says
I'm just acting out because my dad's dead.

- You just called me a dealer.
- You are a dealer.

I'm a mother who happens
to distribute...

...illegal products
through a sham bakery...

...set up by my ethically questionable CPA.

The puppies are coming off, Nance.

Chemo is not gonna be another excuse
for you to act like a selfish fucking bitch.

Just IM'ing my girlfriend.
Megan. She's deaf.

Who would do this? Pennies!

Alejandro, isn't it?



You're slinging in my territory,
you owe me rent.

- I don't owe you shit.
- Then what do you want to do about it?

Hi. Yeah. Yes, you can help me.

You can stop sending me
your catalogs.

Why? Because I'm dead.

Yeah. Yes, that's right.
Judah Botwin is dead.

Type it in and quit sending your shit
to a corpse.

Lupita, you gotta throw out all
the junk mail that comes for Dad, okay?

Okay, Silas, okay.

- Morning.
- I'm gonna be at Megan's tonight.

- Is it okay with her parents?
- Yeah, you kidding?

Megan's one of three girls,
her dad loves having me over.

Does he know what you do
with his daughter?

Mom, he's really cool.
He's teaching me how to box.



He just wants you to know
he can kick your ass.

Here. Serena give me this
to give to you, from Alejandro.

Alejandro?

- Serena's cousin. What you do?
- Nothing.

First he give you pennies,
now he give you panties? What you do?

Must be some mistake.
Nothing. Take it away. Take it back.

- Hey! What the fuck are you doing?
- I just--

Get the hell out of my room.

- You're late.
- For what? Do I have a court date?

- The bakery.
- Oh, shit!

Is that today? Kidding.

Besides, who cares?
It's not even a real bakery.

- It's a fakery.
- Which will be more than obvious...

...if no one shows up
on the day that it opens.

Now go, you promised.

All right, just let me choke down
some java.

- What time are you gonna be there?
- I'm not sure.

I have to take Shane to school
and go by Heylia's...

...make a drop to Sanjay--
Shane, let's go!

How'd it go
at Shane's shrink yesterday?

The doctor wants to put him
on antidepressants.

Drugs are not the answer.

This from the king of all things
mind-altering.

Illegal drugs, not this prescription,
antidepressant, zombie shit.

That fries your brain.

Weed makes you hungry and happy,
and in your case, financially solvent.

He bit a kid in the foot last week.

- Oh, God, I wish I'd been there.
- Andy, it's not funny.

He's 10 years old and his dad died.

Drugging him so he acts like
everything's fine is totally fucked up.

When my ferret killed himself
a few years ago, I took Celexa.

I gained 40 pounds,
I couldn't ejaculate.

- Is that what you want for your son?
- Fuck off.

And anyway, the doctor says
that it's just temporary...

...till his neurotransmitters realign
themselves or some shit like that.

See? Even you don't believe it!

Trust me.
Those antidepressants are evil.

- He does not need them.
- Hey, mind your own business.

- Maybe I wanna be on drugs.
- Excuse me?

Carrie Phillips started taking Zoloft
so she wouldn't cut herself anymore.

Now she's in a band.

- Can she ejaculate?
- Andy.

Okay, ignore the voice of reason.
Drug your child.

Let him wander through his youth
like a robot.

Yeah, let me. Come on, Mom.

Say yes to drugs.

The city council approved the sale
of the golf course to Summer Canyon.

- I gotta talk to Doug about this.
- Why?

I don't want greens fees going up.

I'm getting cytotoxic chemicals pumped
into my bloodstream...

...and you're worried
about the price of putting.

Fuck Apprentice.
You see Survivor last night?

With the guy who ate the chipmunk?

That's Fear Factor.
Survivor's on the island.

Guys, how about concentrating
on this survivor?

It won't be long.

Oh, shit. My deposition.

Go. I'll take a cab home.

- I can't just leave you here.
- I'll be fine.

- I'll call and check up on you, okay?
- Okay.

So the reward was
three Krispy Kreme doughnuts.

Three fucking doughnuts.

If I'm gonna sit in a tree in the jungle
for two days straight with no food...

- ...having to take a shit like an owl?
- Excuse me.

I want a hell of a lot more.
I want my own franchise.

- I don't blame you.
- Excuse me, sir.

- It won't be long.
- Two days straight with no food--

Let's see them do that
on Fear Factor.

- Hey, boss.
- I was just about to leave.

I'm sorry. I was cramming.

I lost track of time.

It is so good to see you.

- What the hell are you doing?
- Oh, shit. Sorry. Sorry.

I'm just really, really baked.

And I think you're really, really pretty.

Baked? When did you start smoking?

- Right after I started selling.
- Oh, no, Sanjay, no!

No, no, it's a good thing.

It's totally changed my life
for the better.

Fuck!

- Hey!
- Forgive me.

- Can I help you, officer?
- The bag.

- What?
- Give me your fucking bag.

Please, this was just
a one-time thing.

Really?

My surveillance tapes
show something different.

- Tapes?
- Tapes, pictures.

Shit, I got a whole dossier
on the widow Botwin.

Couple kids, nice house in Agrestic.

How do you know this?

I am head of campus security.

A suburban mom builds a cottage industry
on my turf, I'm not gonna know about it?

Do you really think
I am that bad at my job?

Damn.

Not just quantity, but quality.

Are you arresting me?

I don't know.

I'm not an unreasonable man.

Young boy shouldn't grow up
without a mom.

No.

Well, my cousin Jesse grew up
without a mother.

Wound up on the Internet with his dick
in some granny's ass...

...which is why I'm gonna
cut you a break.

I will not take this any further
if you promise...

...to never come back
on this campus again.

- Of course.
- I mean it.

You and your dot-head cohort
ever come around here peddling...

...I am not letting you off again.

Get out of here.

Can I have my stuff back?

The bag. Not my style.

Yeah.

I meant my other stuff.

Please? I promise I'll never
come back here again.

That's all I've got.
That's my mortgage payment.

Otherwise, I can't pay my bills.

It's everything I have.

Please? I promise I'll never
come back here again.

I'm begging you.

You got five seconds
to get the fuck off my campus.

Good afternoon, ladies.

I would like to start by thanking
all of you for this opportunity.

- Sorry I'm late.
- Celia, would you mind taking a seat?

- Why?
- Maggie's running the meeting.

Why?

Because we need a reliable
and healthy leader.

As I was saying, it is a thrill
to finally lead the PTA.

As many of you know, back when
Agrestic was just a golf course...

...my family was one of the first
to settle this land.

So I will do my very best
to make you proud.

Now, first order of business:

There is a problem
with the gym teacher.

He's been spotted working
at the ladies' shoe department...

...at Nordstrom's on the weekend.

- And we all know what that means, right?
- He can get us 10 percent off?

That's not news.
I've known about it for years, so...

You knew? And did nothing?

- Well, there's nothing to do.
- I disagree.

I don't think it's appropriate for our kids
to learn wrestling from a gay...

...man.

He's gay. He's not a pedophile.
There is a big difference, you know.

Thank you for your input, Celia,
but your time is up.

Now, ladies, should
Nick Papanicolopoulos be fired?

- Like hell my time's up.
- Now, next up...

What you doing back here?

I am so fucked.

That $14,000 supply I just picked up...

- ...I need a refill.
- You moved them bricks already?

Girl, you flipping shit faster
than a pooper scooper.

I didn't move it. I lost it.

Lost it? Did you go to Gelson's and
leave it on the shelf next to the Pop-Tarts?

I got busted.

- Seriously?
- Yes.

By some redneck head
of campus security at Valley State.

Threw me in his car,
let me off with a warning...

...but he confiscated all my pot,
everything I have. I'm screwed.

- You didn't get busted, you just got jacked.
- What are you talking about?

- Did you go down to the police station?
- No.

- You get fingerprinted?
- No.

Damn, girl, you as gullible
as Kobe's wife.

You think a cop gonna let a drug dealer
go just on a warning?

Even a pretty white one like you?

Are you sure?

Five hundred bucks say he's a dealer too.
He didn't like you dealing in his area.

- Motherfucking...
- Let it out.

- ...cocksucking...
- That's right.

...son of a bitch, hillbilly,
stalker asshole!

That's right, baby, let it out, come on.

Shit-eating, dickless,
granny-fucking prick!

- There you go!
- "Granny-fucking"?

How am I gonna get my stuff back?
Let me borrow a gun!

He jack your brain too?

You have to take your lumps on this
like everybody else.

You learned a $14,000 lesson.

Hello?

What?

Oh, shit. Yeah.

No, I'll be right there.

Well, looks like I'm not the only Botwin
who got busted today.

- You started a fire?
- It's no big deal.

I'd hardly call arson "no big deal."

You started a fire?

As you hopefully know,
it's Diversity Week.

There have been several presentations,
including "Moses and the Burning Bush"...

...which your son seemed to feel
lacked authenticity.

- Jesus.
- No, Moses.

And he was talking into
a shrub painted red.

It was totally unrealistic.

Fortunately, it was doused
before it caused any injuries or damage.

- Do you know how dangerous that is?
- Hardly at all.

The floor is concrete, and from fire drills
I knew sprinklers were right above...

...and the hose was, like, inches away.
It was out in seconds.

While soaking and terrifying
the presenters from Temple Beth Shalom.

You really frightened
those nice Jews, young man.

- I'm sorry.
- Now, Mrs. Botwin...

...I'm afraid I have to confiscate
the lighter.

And I'm suspending Shane
until Monday.

Can I have drugs now?

- What am I gonna do with you?
- Easy. Paxil.

Enough, Shane.

Hey, look. Is that Silas?

- Silas!
- Oh, shit.

Why are you in a Porsche
with a stranger?

- Hey, Mom!
- What are you doing?

This is Megan's dad.
He's teaching me how to drive a stick!

Hi, Megan's dad.

- Howard. Nice to meet you.
- You too.

Later!

Bye.

God bless Costco.

Go in, go in, it's out. Damn it!

Hey, Nance. Just in time...

...to help me close up!
Where the hell were you all day?

- How'd it go?
- We made 17 bucks.

But who gives a shit, right?

What the fuck is wrong with you?

What the fuck is wrong with you?
It's a phony bakery.

Andy, I just got ripped off.

So I am back to zero.
We are back to zero.

So we need to sell
some fucking pastries, pronto...

...because I need this phony business
to work, okay?

Lady, we're closed.

- Good start.
- Right.

Right.

- Hey! Dean ready?
- No, he's in the shower.

- Nice haircut.
- It's a wig.

Oh, right, the cancer thing.

Listen, what do you know about the sale
of the golf course to Summer Canyon?

I already told Dean the deal's done.

We're looking at $100 during the week,
150 on weekends, carts included.

I don't care about golf.

I'm wondering if the houses on the
golf course will still be a part of Agrestic.

No. That's Summer Canyon's
problem now.

- Really?
- Yeah, why?

- Would you care?
- Probably not.

Thank you.

What? What's wrong?

Nauseous. Chemo.

Oh, that sucks.

You want some pot?

- That's illegal, Doug.
- Not for you, you can get a medical card.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Well, I have pills for it, thank you.
- What did they give you?

- Zofran.
- Let me try one.

No. They're $300 a pill.

- I'll give you $400.
- They don't get you high.

It's just for nausea.

Three hundred dollars a pill
and no fun?

What a gyp.

I really like your wig.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Can I pet it?

Knock yourself out.

You a good girl?
You're a good girl, aren't you?

Yes, you are.

Put them back.

At least give it to the homeless.

This is Agrestic.
You're the only homeless in town.

Get in the kitchen.
Start baking like you promised.

- Hey.
- Thanks for coming, buddy.

You gotta talk some sense into her,
she's totally delusional.

Nance, trust me.

A bakery is virtually impossible to run
without drug money.

Let me tell you what Amos
was really famous for.

- What about Mrs. Fields?
- You mean Madame Fields?

- Big whore.
- Yeah, fuck you both.

In this town, the 12 people that still
eat carbs buy muffins at Starbucks.

I don't care. I have bills to pay.

I'm doing this.

Oh, my God.

Hello?

- I'm dry. Find somebody else.
- You're dry? What do you mean?

I got wiped out.
Some campus cop at Valley State.

What? Okay, okay.
How do I find this guy?

- What are you gonna do?
- What do you think? Buy your pot back.

- Hundred bucks at a time.
- I'm not built for this.

I was gonna be a dancer,
not a dealer.

Certainly not a baker.

And I wanted to be Patrick Swayze
in Road House.

I will stab you.

Get out of my fakery. I have work to do.

Obviously you're not thinking clearly.

You're upset and you're edgy,
which is making me upset and edgy.

- I'm aiming.
- If you throw that, there better be pot in it.

I need a smoke.

- You got any on you?
- No.

- Damn it.
- It's in my car.

- Forgive me?
- Your chivalry leaves a lot to be desired.

Who brings cookies to a bakery?

I'm sorry.

How can I make it up to you?
I will do anything.

Please, I might be a coward...

...but I love you.

God.

Start baking.

Good afternoon, ladies.

- First order of business is this--
- No, ladies.

First order of business is this.

Maggie.

For you.

Oh, my goodness,
a welcome gift?

Bon voyage present, actually.
For you and your children.

Bon voyage?

Where are we going? I hope it's Vegas.

Open it.

"Summer Canyon Elementary School
application." I don't understand.

Well, since your house
is on the golf course...

...which is now part
of Summer Canyon...

...your children can no longer
attend Agrestic.

- What?
- Yeah, out of district.

Oh, but there is an upside.
Their gym teacher? Straight as an arrow.

Now, since you actually
have to have...

...a child who attends Agrestic
to be president of the PTA...

...I believe the position is open again...

...and I would like to reinstate myself.

God, I am feeling so much better.

Excuse me while I play through.

All of those in favor of reinstating me,
say "aye."

- Aye.
- I object.

Well, take it up with Summer Canyon.

Thank you for your input.

Hello. Welcome to
Breadsticks and Scones.

- What's the matter, you don't like my gift?
- I told you to stay away from me.

Who is this guy, Nancy?
You want me to kick his ass?

- Okay.
- I gave up 15 hits last night.

I beaned four batters.

And when they charged the mound,
I could only think about you.

Sir, if you're not gonna order anything,
I'm gonna have to ask you-- Forgive me!

- Think I'm gonna be your girlfriend?
- Girlfriend? Is this high school?

We do business together.

Occasionally,
we celebrate our success.

Go away.

I'm gonna change your mind.
You're gonna need me.

- For what?
- A lot of things.

I could help you open up
more territories.

I got connections with domestics
who already distribute.

- And most of all, I can protect you.
- What do you need me for?

The business has changed.
I can't push my ditch weed anymore.

- I need your quality supply.
- I don't have a supply.

I got jacked by some campus cop
at Valley State yesterday.

Then you're gonna need my protection
a lot more than you think.

Hey.

Oh, I hope I don't lose my sex drive.

Enough. You don't need no pills.

Hey, Lupita? You haven't seen the lighter
that was in my drawer, have you?

- No.
- It's kind of in the principal's office.

- Where?
- At my school.

He confiscated it.

You fucking idiot.

- You're an idiot. Fuck you!
- That was Dad's lighter!

- He gave it to me. He gave it to me.
- What is wrong with you?

- Lupita, get some ice.
- Yes.

Oh, my God.

I lost his lighter. He went nuts.

- What?
- It really hurts.

Goddamn it, Silas.

- Don't panic, I'm not gonna hurt you.
- Get the fuck away from my house!

Wait, wait. Here. This is yours.

And I wanted to apologize
for the other day, Ms. Botwin.

I didn't realize who you were.

I mean, I knew who you were,
I just didn't know who you were.

And if you need any protection on campus,
or more connections, I'm your man.

Whatever you need, just ask for me.
I'm Cash, that's me.

- I need you to get away from my house.
- Right. Well, yeah, okay.

And again, I am so sorry.