Weeds (2005–2012): Season 1, Episode 7 - Higher Education - full transcript

Previously on Weeds...

The puppies are
coming off, Nance.

After reconstructive surgery
you're gonna feel good as new.

Better!

So, Blanca.

Take all of the clothes.

Go ahead.

How are you set for furniture?

You protect your dong and you
swing like your life depended on it.

You just have to make it look
like you're running a bakery

to legitimize dealing.



What made me think
I could run a bakery?

Don't look at me. I'm
fucked up on cornbread.

I wrote a gangsta rap
about killing Devon Rensler.

He's got the whole school
calling me Strange Botwin.

You American dogs have
24 hours to leave our country.

Or else...

What am I gonna do with him?

♪ Little boxes On the hillside ♪

♪ Little boxes
Made of ticky-tacky ♪

♪ Little boxes On the hillside ♪

♪ Little boxes All the same ♪

♪ There's a green one ♪

♪ And a pink one ♪

♪ And a blue one ♪



♪ And a yellow one ♪

♪ And they're all made
Out of ticky-tacky ♪

♪ And they all look
Just the same ♪

♪ And the people In the houses ♪

♪ All went to the university ♪

♪ Where they were Put in boxes ♪

♪ And they came
out All the same ♪

♪ And there's
doctors And lawyers ♪

♪ And business executives ♪

♪ And they're all made
Out of ticky-tacky ♪

♪ And they all look
Just the same ♪

Hey, dude, what's your major?

Are you in the
freshman facebook?

What are you doing here?

I'm taking the Create Your
Own Small Business seminar.

That's alarming.

Why... Why aren't
you teaching it?

Are you kidding?
Teachers make shit.

I'm here to expand
my client base.

I stand at the back
of the class, and I say,

"As an accountant, shouldn't
you blah blah blah blah blah?"

Confuses the hell
out of everyone.

Finally all the students,
they just give up.

And that's when I give
them my business cards.

Minimum, 14 clients, guaranteed.

How genius is that?

What are you taking?

I'm taking a flier.

Silas needs a tutor.

You should take ceramics.

Get your fingers in some clay.

That's very sensual.

It's very Demi Moore.

Ah-ha-ha. I'm certainly
not taking your seminar.

Smart move.

All you're gonna get in there
is an earful of my bullshit.

But with ceramics, you
know, you can make a bowl.

I'll think about it.

Cool. See you at the kegger.

Here you go.

Hey.

Who's this?

This is Max.

I can stick six
quarters up my nose.

Bullshit.

Let's see.

Connecticut... Massachusetts...

New... New Hampshire.

Ah, I can't let you stick
New England up your nose.

You got lucky this time.
What else you guys up to?

Mom said we could play as
long as we did our homework first.

What homework?

Science.

Science! They're
still teaching science?

I can help you with that.

What do we got? What do we got?

Yeah, this is new science.

Okay, we're gonna forget this.

I suck at science...
but I'm good at life.

So I'll tell you what
we're gonna do.

We're gonna go online.

We're gonna order the
teacher's edition of your book.

We can do that?

Of course.

Can we order sea monkeys too?

I ate one once.

Bullshit.

What did it taste like?

Lemonade.

Okay, I'll give you that.

Hi, mom.

Hello, sweetheart.

Where's dad?

Oh, he's getting your Double-
Double with extra cheese.

Good man.

Wanna flick some peas?

Don't be scared. Mommy's fine.

I'm not scared.

Well, then, come over
here and give me a kiss.

House pediatrician to the ER.

Mm.

House pediatrician to the ER.

Hey. You wanna watch some TV?

Sure.

And you know what?

Later, I'll give you some money,

and we can go down
the end of the hall

and raid the vending machines.

Okay, okay, okay. Listen up.

Now, if you ever wanna get
laid, you gotta learn to cook

at least one thing.

Shane, go grab me those carrots.

Okay, now, here is
how we chop vegetables.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

My finger!

Oh.

Yeah, right?

You also gotta learn at
least one good joke. Mm.

You guys try.

Butter knives.

Butter knives.

Hi.

Hey.

I'm Max's mother. Eileen Dodd.

I'm Max's new best
friend, Andy Botwin.

Come on in. Hm-hm.

Hi. Hi.

So you must be
Shane's favorite uncle.

Yep. That's me.

How'd you get
stuck playing daddy?

Uh, Nancy's out, and the
maid went down to Tijuana

to buy cheap synthetic hormones.

Ow! My eye!

Max! What is it?

What is it, honey?

What should I do with his eye?!

Uh, wha...?

You should eat it.

That was no fun.

Well, no, it's only fun until
someone loses an eye.

Well, that's what you've
been teaching them, huh?

No wonder Shane loves you.

Yeah, you know,
teaching him how to cook.

We're making oso buco.

Oso buco? I love oso buco.

Wow, Max and I were
just gonna do drive-through.

Hey, there's
plenty for everyone.

Can we stay for dinner?

Well, that's up to Uncle Andy.

Uncle Andy says most definitely.

Okay, great job, guys.

Eileen and I are
gonna finish up here.

Okay, cool. Let's go to my room.

Mm. It's so good to see
Max finally find a friend.

Yeah. So, uh, you're
a single mom, huh?

Yeah, sort of.

Sort of?

Yeah, just, uh, going
through a bit of a rough patch.

Trial separation.

Oh, yeah, I'm really
sorry to hear that.

Must get pretty
lonely around here,

you know, all these

hermetically sealed houses...

chemically treated lawns.

Yeah, well, I mean,
it's all about the kids.

My friends, well, they're...
You know, they're, uh...

You know what? The truth
is... I don't have any friends.

They're just my neighbors.

I'm completely
unattached, you know.

I wake up to a blank slate.

I don't plan anything.

It just happens.

Then I run with it.

We've got an hour.

Yeah! Oh!

Yeah! Yeah! Sh, sh, sh!

Oh! Sh, sh, sh!

Oh! Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh!

Sh, sh, sh!

Ow!

Ow!

Oh.

Oh, no.

You're gonna get it for that.

Oh! Oh, yeah!

Yeah! Oh! Oh!

House pediatrician to the ER.

House pediatrician to the ER.

IV Tech, 304 west.

IV Tech, 304 west.

Isabelle.

My little sweetheart.

Grand Pat! Oh!

Here I am.

All the way from Florida.

It's much cleaner there.

So how are you?

Oh. Just...

What have you
done with your hair?

Nothing. Just...

wearing it loose.

Oh, no, sweetheart,
that's a mistake.

If you had hair from my side
of the family it would be fine,

but you have the Jew
hair from your father's side.

So, wear it back...

until you're old enough
to get it straightened.

Mother?

Yes, sweetheart, I'm here.

Mom? I'm going to
the vending machines.

What vending machines?

Neither of you need anything
from a vending machine.

What are you doing here?

You're sick.

You're my little girl.

How would it look
if I didn't come?

My whole church
group is praying for you.

Even Mr. Daniels. The cripple.

Where's Dean?
Have you seen Dean?

Has he left you?

Yes, he went to get
me a cheeseburger.

A greasy cheeseburger?

Now, that is what I call
passive-aggressive behavior.

Spouses of cancer victims

often act out because they're
not getting all the attention.

Mother.

Yes, dear?

It's thoughtful of you to come.

Okay. What
percentage of 75 is 12?

Eight percent, 12
percent, 16 percent,

18 percent or 20 percent?

I can't do this anymore.

Um, my brain is,
like, totally fried.

What?

What underwear was I
wearing last Thursday?

Powerpuff Girls.

Not that fried.

What? What did he say?

How... How do you
know how to do that?

Hey, guys.

Mrs. Botwin. Silas and I
are through for the hour.

Oh? How did it go?

He's gonna do great.

Mm. Thank you, Sanjay.

Let me get my wallet.

Thanks, Sanjay.

Oh, um...

Bye, uh, Me-gan.

What is this?

Kind of conspiracy?

I looked up a few
things. Oh. Hey.

Uh, Mrs. Botwin?

Uh, if you know anyone
else who needs a tutor

or has any work, actually,

I'd really appreciate it.

I'm paying my
way through school.

What's a smart guy like
you doing at Valley State?

Well, I'm a highly intelligent
underachiever with debt.

It's all about the
Benjamins, Mrs. Botwin.

I'm very nervous.

I spit up some vomit
and swallowed it.

Just breathe.

Think about the Benjamins.

I think I'm starting
to feel better already.

There you go.

Who the fuck's mom are you?

Not yours.

Because if I were, I
would have taught you

how to treat a
stranger bearing gifts.

Gifts?

Gifts.

If you want more
where that came from...

find my man, Sanjay.

Hi.

He's got the hookup.

Have a nice day, kids.

Party on.

Remember to brush your teeth.

Do your homework.

Yeah, right.

Nice mom ass.

Oh! Ha-ha!

Oh, God.

I wanna bite you... Yeah?

Everywhere. Really?

Oh, God.

Oh, God! Oh!

My God!

Um, ow! Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Oh, no! Oh!

Ow!

Delivery for, uh,
Professor Shane Botwin.

Uh, he's grading
papers right now.

I'll sign for it.

Ahh!

Oh, God! Oh!

Can you guys ship a whole body?

We ship anything, kid.

Cool.

Oh! Oh!

Ow!

God.

Hey, Nance, you just
missed the dynamic duo.

I'm so glad Shane and Max
are playing together so well.

Mm-hm.

Thanks for lending a hand.

Sister, I've lent
you a hand, a neck,

some other parts I don't
feel comfortable talking about.

What's that?

Uh, let me put it this way.

If Eileen ever dies
in a plane crash...

I have her dental records.

Andy.

That woman is a werewolf.

My son finally gets a friend,
and you go and fuck his mother?

Actually, she came on to me.

Let's guess how
this is gonna turn out.

You're gonna get
bored and dump her,

and she's never gonna let
her kid near this house again.

Th-This will not happen.
This cannot happen.

You are gonna continue to
fuck the biter until Shane and Max

apply to separate colleges
or you run out of soft tissue,

whichever happens first.

But I...

You made your
bed, now fuck in it.

I just feel so helpless.

Why do you do this to me?

I mean, you've
never let anything go.

You still blame me for
whatever it is children make up

to blame their parents for.

I don't blame you for anything.

Well, your cancer
comes from somewhere.

Yes, from an irregular
cell on a mission.

In a weird way,

this cancer has
almost been a blessing.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Pastor Williams.

No.

No, she's not good.

She just called her
cancer "a blessing."

Oh, no, I won't
be here that long.

Of course I'll make
the church cruise.

Bless you.

Uh, well, I hope my
strength helps her too.

♪ Homeboy ♪

♪ Homeboy Homeboy ♪

I need an ounce of
Electric Haze, Big Bud,

Grape Crush, White Russian,

Blue Rhino...

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Slow down.

You ordering enough for
a Snoop Dogg pool party.

What's going on?

I'm expanding.

Whole new territory.

You can handle that?

I've got it under control.

Hey, Sanjay.

Oh, calm down.

How many orders
on your cell phone?

Sixty-seven?

No, we can handle this.

This is a good thing.

No, I'm at my dealer's
house right now.

Shit!

No, you didn't!

What did you do that for?

You compromise my business
like that again, I will fuck you up!

You hear me?

No, don't fuck me up.

We're about to
make a lot of money.

I'm cornering the college
market at Valley State.

Me. Lord have mercy.

Sit your ass down.

Go on, sit down!

Now, if we gonna stay
in business together,

you got to learn some rules.

No talking on your
cell phone in my house.

That shit will get us popped.

You think that's smart?

No.

Damn right, it's not!

The whole world don't need
to know you got the hookup.

Or you gonna be talking
to your kids through a cage.

You feel me?

I feel you.

Now, it's like a pyramid, baby.

You want to be at the top.

You got people beneath you,

and they got people
beneath them.

Soldiers.

Those soldiers do not know you.

And they damn well
better not know me.

And get yourself some
disposable cell phones.

You hear me?

I hear you.

You hear me?

I hear you.

I do.

Leave your order.

Come back later.

Oh. Every time I leave here,
I feel like such an asshole.

Mm-hm.

Only deal with people you know.

Don't take... unnecessary risks.

Always get paid in cash.

No credit, no IOU, no
"I'll pay you Tuesday."

They got the cash,
they get the stash.

Here are your cell phones.

Never dial out.

Only receive calls.

Restub...

Anayo...

Shaheed.

In two weeks, you dump them.

Everybody remember...
be careful out there.

♪ I got all ♪

♪ All the fucking work I need ♪

♪ I got all ♪

♪ All the fucking work I need ♪

♪ I got all ♪

♪ All the fucking work I need ♪

♪ I got all... ♪

Slap my ass.

Slap my ass!

♪ I got all All the
fucking work I need ♪

♪ I got all ♪

♪ All the fucking Work I need ♪

Come on!

Slap it!

Oh! Oh!

♪ I got all ♪

♪ All the fucking work I need ♪

Holy crap.

What the... What is this?

Who would do this?

Pennies!

This is cold.

Cold, trite, evil and fucked up!

It's a commuter college.

There's a lot of
displaced anger here.

Displaced on my car!

Fucking community
college losers!

Hey, it's a state school.

Shut up!

Sweetheart, you don't need that.

It hurts me to think you won't
be getting asked to your prom.

Or wearing normal-sized clothes.

Because your parents
aren't watching out for you.

Look at this house.

You're growing up like a gypsy.

Your mother gives
away furniture,

and your father isn't
man enough to stop her.

Enough.

What did I do?

Stop picking on her.

Yeah, we're tired of you
working out your psychotic bullshit

on the family.

Me? Psychotic?

Mm-hm.

Who used to open the back
of a scale with a butter knife

and pull out the springs
before I weighed you?

I went through two dozen
scales before I figured it out.

You did that?

Yeah, it used to drive
your grandmother crazy,

because she's cheap.

You've never appreciated
my good nature.

Unlike Mr. Daniels. The cripple.

How dare you.

Mr. Daniels adores
and cherishes me.

Even with his
unusually large head.

I have nothing more to say.

Finally.

I'm going for my power walk now.

I suppose none of
you wants to join in

with this sensible,
healthy activity, hm?

Best friends for life.

Yeah. Best friends for life.

It's okay.

It'll be our little secret.

This has never
happened to me before.

It's not okay.

I think it's probably
for the best.

Well... I was getting bored.

I mean...

Look, it was fun.

And it was great, and...

I mean, gosh, thanks
for everything, Andy.

It's not okay.

Oh, and please promise me
you won't say anything to Nancy.

I wouldn't want anything
that happened between us

to affect the boys' friendship.

Shane and Max really click.

It's not okay.

Who did you piss off?

What?

Oh, nobody. It was just kids.

S-somebody mad at you, girl.

What you going on about, Conrad?

Somebody pennied
that girl's ride.

Oh, hell.

There goes my collateral.

What?

No, nobody.

It was just kids at Valley
State playing a prank.

No. Someone's hatin'.

You better slow your roll.

You pissed off somebody.

Probably another dealer.

No, no. Everything's
going really well.

I'm outsourcing.

Built my pyramid.

Mm-hm. Took the Egyptians
centuries to build theirs.

I appreciate your concern.

Everything's going fine.

That girl's got too much hubris.

♪ I feel the song of love ♪

♪ Is just an empty book ♪

♪ And if I drink from it ♪

♪ I'll get the empty look ♪

♪ Pages took The
story ends in fear ♪

♪ And everyone
You know is gone ♪

♪ And no one knows where ♪

♪ So I keep on asking myself ♪

♪ Whether it's time to
stop Refill the clip, yeah ♪

♪ I keep on asking myself
whether it's time to stop ♪

♪ Thinkin' 'bout it ♪

♪ Say goodbye to all
kinds Of good times, yeah ♪

♪ No one heard, not a
word From a fallen tree ♪

♪ Say good night, we can
fight If it helps you sleep ♪

♪ Something ends, just
begin To hear it, be free ♪

This is so not okay.

Hi, sweetie.

Hi.

Oh, Mom. I got a 98
on my science test.

Oh, that's great, sweetie.

Did you show your Uncle Andy?

Oh, no.

Good job.

I made two wrong,
just like you said.

Just to make it look real.

Stick with me, kid, you'll
be going to Berkeley.

I heard about
your little problem.

Don't worry.

I'm sure it was just
a one-time thing.

Although... sometimes...

these little problems
can last a long time.

Anyway...

Thanks for taking
one for the team.

♪ It's going all right,
It's going all right ♪

♪ More insane by the minute ♪

♪ Yeah, it's going all
right, It's going all right ♪

♪ All right, yeah ♪

♪ It's going all right,
It's going all right ♪

♪ I just made mine go ♪

♪ It's going all right ♪